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YOLYME ^ElGHTEEMTH. 



LONDON : 
PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 86, FLEET STRLET. 

AXD lOLD BY ALL BOOKStLLERS. 

1850. 



LONbOM : 
DRAUUt'RV ANU EVANS, l*RINTEIt5. WHITErKlAUS. 





XJNCH now stands Eighteen Volumes bigli in the world, without his 
stockings. And as he grows a Volume every Six Months, it ia a 
calculation which he defies Joseph Hume to disprove — ^that he, 
Punch, is, with the present halmj June, exactly Nine Ysabs Old. 

Punch, — twiddling a sprig of geranium between his finger and 
thumb, — a radiant bit of La Reine de» Franqai$ ; white as though 
noiuished with the milk of Venus' doves^ and pink as though 
reflecting Venus* blush — Punch bethought him of a Fitting Presence, 
whereto he might dedicate this, the closing Work of his Ninth 
Year. 

There was inspiration in the thought. Punch leapt from his 
velvet chair. " We will dedicate it to skittles ! yes " — said we, 
glowing with the grateful notion, — ''we will dedicate the close of 
our Ninth Year to Nine Pins 1 " 

Punch gently subsided into his seat, took his Vulcanic pen, 
spread out his elephantine sheet of paper, and^ beginning his 
Dedication, wrote, — 



"TO NINE PINS. 



"This Volume, the fruit of- 



A sharp knock at the door, and enter Mr, RespeetahUUp, We tossed him the sheet, and in few 
words, made known our intention, whereupon Mr, RespectabiUiif, drawing himself up, and throwing a glance 
at us, sufficiently withering to blight — even in June — a whoto wall of peaches, in a sort of cold, hissing 
voice, said — but we give the dialogue. 

Mr, Respectability. In the name of all our institutions, the Three per Cents., the Court of Chancery, 
and the Best Pew of the Church, in the name of all these^ what are you about ? 

Punch. A debt of gratitude, dear Sir. Many a jolly hour, in bye-gone days, has Punch had with 
skittles. Dear nine old friends I true friends, for with all the readiness in life, they 'd be knocked down 
a hundred times to serve us. Can't always say as much for flesh-and-blood, eh ? 

Mr, Respectability, My good Punch, this was all very well when you squeaked in the street j but 
you must remember, you are now a householder with fine plate-glass windows; you never appear but — at 
honsewivea have it— in print, with illustrations sparkling about you that defy the most golden evening-waistcoat* 



" PREFACE. 



Punch. Wbat^s that to do with it? Nine-pins are nine-pius just the same. Hearts of oak were 
they in old times and — in a word — skittles shall have our Volume. 

Respectability {throunng himself between Punch and his Sheet of Paper). I protest against it. As 
your friend — your bosom friend, Mr. Punch. 

Mb. Punch. Friend 1 Fiddlededee 1 When we were friends with skittles, you turned up your nose 
at poor Punch. 

Respectability. Sir, that painful gesture is sometimes a stem duty of life. Society, my dear friend, 
is frequently saved by the judicious tuming-up of noses ; and if it was my hard position to be compelled 
to despise you when in the gutter, have I not — Punch, I put it to your beating bosom — have I not 
cultivated you ever since you lived in a house? 

Mr. Punch. There's no denying it. Nevertheless, whatever may be the consequence, I dedicate the 
fulness of my Ninth Year to Nine Pins. 

Respectability. Then Punch, I'll tell you the consequence. You'll be cv^i, Sir; cut. You'll never 
dine beyond Baker Street more — ^you will never again, surmounting all obstacles, have your glittering name 
registered as guest in the Morning Post; and, in a word. Sir, that great hope, end and aim of your daily 
life, that vision of your sleep, and torture of your nightmare, to shake hands in open Pall Mall with a 
Puke, — ^that glorifying triumph, that social apotheosis, will be for ever and for ever barred, denied you. 

Thus spoke Respectability, and cowardice— like an ague — crept over the heart of Punch. 

"What must we do?" we faltered, looking entreatitfgly at our stem but trathfiil monitor. "The 
Volume must be dedicated, and, if not to Nine Pins, to what — to whom, then?" 

"To whom?" cried Respect ability, rising upon his toes, and distending hia nostrils, "Why, to 

THE NINE MUSES!" 

" Be it so," said Punch, with compelled resignation ; " be it so ;" nevertheless, it would have looked 
much better, truer, and altogether more delightful to our recollections, had the Volume been oflfered 

TO NINE PINSl 

However, Custom — says the Poet — ^is the King of Men. Now, if Custom be the King, how often is 
BviPXCTABiUTT the Tyrant? 




|iitnhtti0n. 



VOLUME XVIII. JANUARY TO JUNE, 1850. 



THE EUSSBLL CABmBT.-1850. 

Flnt Lord of the Treuury ... Lord John Russexx. 

Lord Chancellor Lobd Cottenhah. 

Chaooellor of the Kxchequer Sib. C. Wood. 

Chancellor of the Duchy of Laacuter Lous Caicfbill. 

President of the Council MjiBquis or Lahsdowke. 

Lord Privy Seal Earl or Mnrto. 

Home Ofiloe Sib Oxorqk Oret. 

Foreign Office Visoount Palxibston. 

Colonial Office Eabl Obey. 

Admiralty Snt Fbahois Thobnhill Barino. 

Board of Trade Mr. H. Laboitoherb. 

Board of Control ^ Bib John Cam Hobhoubb. 

Poetmaster-Qeneni . .......'...... Marquis or Clakbioabdb. 

Wooda and Foraito Eabl or Cablislb. 



POLITICAL SUMMAEY. 



A T the eommenoeiaent of 1850 the excess of income over 
-^ expenditure was announced to be two miUiona, and the 
26 inerease of exptoti in 1849 above thoae of 1848 was nearly ten 
millioni. A diminution of pauperism, an increased facility of 
Bubsifltence and a larger command of the comforts of life on 
the part of the labouring population, gave sure indications that 
the Free Trade polioy had worked beneficially for the country 
at large, although the depressed condition of the classes oon- 
neoted with agriculture was generally acknowledged and 
loudly expressed by the su^rers. A return to protective 
duties or a remission of financial burdens were among the 
remedial measures suggested, and few persons denied that the 
landed interest had a lair olaim to any relief that did not 
interfere with the interests of other classes of the oommunity. 
Some very violent language was used at some of the Protec- 
tionist meetings, and provoked the reprehension of Mr, Punch, 
Parliament assembled on the 31st of January, and the Qitxxn's 
Speech was expressive of the general prosperity of the country. 
Amendments to the Address were moved in both Houses by 
the country party, and lost by very coufiiderable majorities, 
and other retrogressive measures met with the same fate. 

Mb. Hukx proposed a Besolntion for the extension of the 
fomobise, which received the support of Feabotts O'Connor, 
Sib JoaHUA Walxszjet, Mb. Eoiebuce, Mb. B, Osbobitb, 
and Mb. Locks Kiko, but being opposed by Sib Oeobob 
Obey and Lobd John Evssell, Mb. Huhb's proposition 
waa negatiTed by 242 to 96. 

The Chutoiclob ov tke ExoEEamB introduced his Budget 
on the Idth of March, and showed a favourable balance of two 
miUioni. A reduction of the Stamp Duties and a repeal of 



the Briok Tax were proposed, and the Government were de- 
feated on an Amendment moved by Sib H. Whloitqhbt ; 
but the Bziok Duties Repeal and the Stamp Duties Reduction 
Bills ultimately passed. 

Motions in favour of retrenchment were brought forward by 
Mb. Cobdbv and Mb. Hbhbt Bbctkhond, bat negatived by 
the House, and others were anticipated by Lobd Joqk Rus- 
sell proposing the appointment of a Select Committee for the 
same object. The Repeal of ^e window duty was also pro- 
posed by Lobd Duncan, and only defeated by a majority 
of 3. The proposed repeal of the Malt Tax was rejected by 
247 to 123. 

Much discussion arose in both Houses on the extension of 
the Irish parliamentary firanchise, with occasional majorities 
against Ministers ; but Lobd John Russell moved the House 
to accept of a £12 franchise as a compromise between con- 
flicting opinions, and the Bill passed. 

The Irish party was greatly excited by a proposition of Lobd 
John Russell to abolish the office of Lord Lieutenant of 
Ireland, and the Second Reading, after a strong debate, was 
carried by a majority of 225, but the measure was ultimately 
thrown over to the following Session. 

The most interesting debates of the Session arose out of 
causes apparently trivial in themselves, but which nearly pro- 
duced the dissolution of the Ministry and a rupture with 
France. It appeared that the Greek Government had broken 
faith with England, and had put us off with one evasion after 
another, and had at last given a flat denial of the redress to 
which we were entitled. Advibal Sib Williau Pabxbb 
had been sent therefore to the Greek waters and blookad.«^^2ost» 



\ 



Vol. XVIII.] 



INTRODUCTION 



[JiiarABT TO JtmE, 1B60. 



FirsQus. Explanations were demanded in both Houses, and 
Lord Faluebstok said : — 

" In the fint pUce there In a Mr. Fihlat (a Brltdsh lubject), who has been 
long established In Orocco, and who some time since had lands there, fmit of 
which wns taken forcibly irom him for the purpose of fanning a portion of 
the gardens of the palace which Kmo Otho was then building. Mb. Finlat 
has been for a long course of time, supported by Her Majesty's representa- 
tives, cndoavouring to obtain proper payment for the land so taken. That 
payment, however, has never been got. Tbo other'casc Is that of a British sub- 
ject — not a Portuguese Jew, as stated by my honourable Friend — of the name 
of PACxnco. His house in Athens was violently broken into at midday by a 
mob, of which port were soldiers in the service of the Kino or Grrccb, and 
some gendarmes, the son of the Minister of War encouraging them. There 
were, bcKidos, Ionian subjectfi, who upon different occasions were the vlctlmi 
cither of plunder or of corpoi-eal ill-usage, for whom also compensation and 
indemnity have been required." 

With respect to the other and separate question about the 
two islands of Elapbonitti and Sapienzo, Lonn Palmgbstox 
made this statement : — 

" By the treaty between Russia and the Porto, signed in 1800, the Ionian 
State was cuntitituted witti tbo consent of the Sti-tan : and the State was to 
consist of certain islands tlicrcin named, and of all other islands and islets 
lying between those islands and the coast of Greece, up to a certain point. 
In pursuance of that treaty, the two islands in question, Elaphonlsl and 
SapicnEo — two very small inlands, though from elrcumstancos one of them la 
[>f importance — were by name aggregated to two of the larger islands named 
in tlie treaty, and those iKlouds bavoever since been considered by the Porte, 
and have been considered by the Sovereign of Greece, as part of the Ionian 
States. When the treaty of 1830 was signed, by which the Greek State was 
constituted, the territories of that State were specified as oonslstiug of certain 
portions of the Continent, and of certain islands; those islands did not 
Include tbo islands of Klaphonisi and Saplonca. There can, therefore, be no 
doubt whatever that those islands have been, ever since the treaty of 1800, 
confirmed by the treaty of 1815, and that they ue, portions of the Ionian 
States." 

France and Kussia took exception to tbo course England had 
pursued, and on the anniversary of Heb Majesty's birthday 
the French Ambassador returned to Paris and the Russian 
Uinisler was absent from Court. Much disoussion ensued in 
both Houses of Parliament, and a majoritj of 37 was obtained 
in the Ix)rds by Lobb Stanley, condemnatory of the Foreign 
Policy of the Government in regard to Greece. 

After such an expression of opinion it was thought generally 
that the Ministry would have resigned, but Lobb Johk 
Russell, in reply to Mb. Roebttck, objected to place on the 
House of Lords the responsibility of controlling the Executive 
Government, and which would place it in a position it never 
hitherto occupied, and which it could not maintain, and he 
called upon Mb. Bisbaeli — if he coincided with the course 
pursued by his party elsewhere — to ascertain the feeling of the 
House of Commons upon the Foreign policy of the Government. 

Lobi) John added, that if Mb. Koebvcx wished to make 
a motion, ho should have the earliest possible opportunity, for 
"I can only say," continued his Ixtrdship, **that we shall 
continue in that course which we have hitherto followed with 
respect to our foreign policy. So long as we oontinne the 
Government of this country, I can answer for my noble Friend^ 
that he will act, not as Minister of Austria {eh6er$) — or of 
Kussia (protracted cheering) — or of France, or of any other 



country— but as the Minister of England, The honour of 
England, and the inteiesta of England— such are the matters 
which are within onr keeping ; and it is to those interests and 
to that honour that our conduct will in future be, as it has 
hitherto been directed." {Loud and general cheering.) 

Ma. Roebuck not entirely agreeing with the constitutional 
doctrines laid down by the noble Lord, said he should pro- 
pose a resolution " according to the offer the noble Lord held 
out." To him it seemed that Loed John Russell had only 
stated one half of the great rule that governs the Executive 
of this country, adding : — 

" I admit, a mere resolution of the House of Lords Is not of itself a suffi* 
dent reason to lesd to the alteration of a Government ; yet it la so im- 
portant in our double-chamber system of legislation, that both should act, if 
possibly in hanoony, or if not, that there should be a complete understanding 
in the public mind as to the ground of the disagreement, that any Adminis- 
tration which has been thus censured by the Bouse of Lords is bound not to 
shrink fWim an appeal to the House of Commons ; and if that appeal, when 
mode, is not succcasfhl, then their path is clear. {Otterf.) It is because I 
ngroe in the policy laid down by the noble Lord at the head of Foreign Affairs 
in this coimtiy, that I will test the opinion of this House, in order to learn 
whether we can find a verdict in tho House in his favour, and also to learn 
distinctly and clearly, and sufficiently for the world to know, whether or not 
Her Hajestt'b Government has the confidence of the people of England. 
(Ckeen.) Therefore, Sir, I shall, in acoordanoe with the permission of the 
coble Lord, to-morrow move the following resolution, of which I now bog to 
give notice, namely, 

" ' That the prindplea which have hitherto regnlated tlie for«lgn policy of 
Hsu Hajcstt's Government are such as were required to preserve untarniHhed 
the honour and dignity of this country, and, in times of unexampled dlfflculty, 
tho best calc\ilated to maintain peace between England and the Torinus 
nations of the world.' " 

The debate extended over four nights, and resulted in a 
majority for the Government of 310 to 264. 

This debate will also be memorable as the occasion of the 
last speech of Sib Robbbt Pebl. It was adverse to Ministers. 
Within a few hours after its delivery, the eloquent statesman 
was dead. All remembranoe of political differences were for- 
gotten, and only his great practical reforms, his power of 
mind and strength of body remembered. In every part of 
England he was mourned and regretted. 

Among the misoellaneouB measures of the Sessions, the 
Reform of the Universities, the Alteration of the Law of 
Marriage and the Amendment of the Factory Act attracted 
some attention, but a Motion by Lobd Ashlet to discontinue 
Labour in the Post Office on Sunday, and which he carried 
against the Government by a majority of 93 to 68, created 
almost universal interest throughout the country, as it caused 
the sudden closing of the operations of the Post Office on the 
Sunday. The vote of the House was aoted upon for several 
weeks, and there was a total suspension of the delivery of 
letters and newspapers on Sunday, and the strongest remou- 
stranoea were made from all parts of the Country, and the 
subject being again brought before the House, the Post Office 
regulations were placed on their former footing in conformity 
to the Totea of a very large majority. 



Vol. XVIIL] 



INTRODUCTION, 



[Javcaxt to Juiri, 1860. 



NOTES. 



MOB 

2 Three Butchers' Bride. — Tho high price of butoher'a 

meal liad betn gtiu rally complained of iu letters lo tho Timre, 

4 Tho exorbitant char(^ea of tbo under talc crs had also been dis- 

cussed, and the agitation resalted in a number of Cheap 

Funeral estahlishmcnta. 

14 The Needlowomen'B Farewell. — Sidttev ■ Herbert 

15 and other benevolent people projected an cmi^ation achome, 
which has been of inestimable value to thousands of poor 
workers. 

The Protection " Bodge." — At intervals for some years 
a D)aa, accompanied by a womau and children neatly but 
meanly dressed, has i>erambulated the streets of London 
bawling: aloud an address, of which the " Bufiering Land- 
lords " is a political paraphrase. 

Agriculture— the Real Unprotected Female. — CoBDEtr 
and DisUAELi. 

The Herculea Cheap Paletot. — Public attention bad 
been called to the miserable pittance paid by tho cheap adver- 
tising tailors to their work women and men, and there is still 
reason to fear that the same system of " sweating," as it is 
called, prevails at this time. (1662.) 

Frightful Case of Stitch in the Side. — It was reported 
that the Mahqui!:) ov Westjiiikster had his liveries made by 
one of the cheap tailors. 

Imposing Poses.— Feaqqus 0*Conwou. 

Isle of Dogs a Penal Settlement. — The Isle of Dogs is 
opposite Greenwich Hospital, and nuw principally occupied by 
the works of Messrs. Silvkh, the celebrated outfitters and 
gutta-percha manufacturers of Uishopegate Street. It is called 
Silvcrtown. 

Clerical Oonundnun.—PROFESSOR Keller was a Qerman 
posture-master, and introduced that very questionable exhi- 
bition, the *' PoBcg plastiqiU'S." 

The Worst of Taxes. — It is gratifying to know tliat 
Mr. Cuarles Kniqht lives to profit by his victory over the 
Kxdseman (1862). 

Pro8i>ects of the Tunnel. — The Thames Tunnel — and 
the shareholders we fear have literally sunk their money in 
tlmt undertaking. 

Mr. Finigan'a Lament was occasioned by the rumour 
that tho ofiico of lyjrd Lieutenant of Ireland was to bo 
abolished. 

The Grecian Difficulty. Sls Introduction. 

A Spider of Westminster Hall.— Tho beautiful roof 
of tbiti Hall is made of oUustnut wood, but is generally thought 
to be of Irish oak, which is said to be inimical to those pri- 
mitive weavers — spiders. 

Knife and Fork Exhibition at the Ifansion House, 
— Tho Loud MaY'ju invited all the provincial Mayors to dine 
nt tho Manaion House preparatory to the Great Exhibition 
of 1851, 

The Coming Animal is still iu good health and spirits 
at the Itoyai Zoological Gardens (1662}. 



24 



35 



38 



39 

42 
48 



48 



110 



113 



115 
119 



123 



Hi 



r*«s 

167 



Street Luxury. — Gofres are (or were, for they have dis- 
appeared from the streets of Ijondon] large thin cakes made 
of batter. 

A Juvenile Teacher on Education. — ^Tbe initial W ITS 
has attached to it a machine called a Baby Jumper. It was 
an American invention to supersede nursing in the ordinary 
way, and found little patronage from English mothers. 

The Whipper-in*s liament.— William JIolmes, Eao., 172 
M.P. — or Billy Doluzs, as be was more generally called, 
was long the Tory whipper-in of the House of Commons, and 
was saooeeded by Lord Marcus Hill. Mr. Bram) now dis- 
charges that responsible office (1862). 

To Unlicensed Hawkers of Jokes.— Miss Sellok. 177 
See A REHARKAitLE MiSNouEn. 190 

TiTftTims and Despatches, &c.— Mb. Widpicoud has 179 
been frequently referred to in preceding Volumes, 

Mr. Bright and hia Hill.— The condition of tho journey- 193 
men Bakers has improved very little. Poor fellows I (18G2.) 

The Political " Bouge et Noir** refers to the state 195 
of France in 18o0. 

Hemovals and Promotions. — CnowLER was a noisy pro- 196 
tecliouifit farmer. Cui'fet was a violent Chartist shoemaker. 

Besignation of Soyer.— Alexis Soter was a noted man 204 
in his day, and pubUshcd many works upon Cookery. Ho was 
a good-natured fellow and rather a harmless charlatan. 

The Barley-corn Plot. — Chowleb and other " Pro- 206 
tectiooists " had been making very violent speeohes. The 
BuKE OF KicuHOXD, as leader of tho party, is included in 
tho group. 

The Botany Bay for Artists.— The Octagon room was 208 
a dark nook in the National Gallery, and formed a limha tot a 
few pictures at the Exhibition of the Koyal Academy. It 
exists no longer. 

The Wofle New Ballad , &c.— Mr. Gildert A'Becxett, 209 
one of the Metropolitan Magistrates, has been mentioned in the 
Notes to a former Volume. 

Palmerston the Mischievous Boy.—LoRD PaLicsssTOV^lTy 
was said at this time to be embroiling Franco and England. ~ " 
SCr. Archer Ferrand wus a rabid Protectionist and U.P. 219 
The Greatest British Subject.— Doy Pacipico. 220 

Field ISTarshal Punch on Epsom Downs, &c.— is a 230 
parody on tho celebrated picture of tbo Dcke of Weluho- 
TON and the Marchioness ok Doouo viaiting Waterloo. 

News for the Horse Uarines.— The Hippopotamos on 242 
its first arrival in England became the ragc^ and so oontinned 
for an entire London Season. 
Master Jonathan tries to Smoke a Cuba. — See 243 

An Author's Cry of Agony.— Printers' messengers ore 246 
called printer's devils, from thtir "inky cloaks." 

Carrying Coals to Newcastle.— When tho Nepaulese 346 
Prinoca visited England, a burlesque called the ItUmd c/ 
Jewels wfts playing at the Olympic Theatre, 



mms 




w 



mn. 



fim 



(loM, tMit 

(.vlliui; t« ifif VtlUt It. 

CALIFORMAN MEASURES. 
On* loA ■!?«■ » 0am tU tok«Bu 

iflcilnlBs *- TvvlMbaofilDvtokiillL 
« Om IdOUd IrflM : 



OMtHiflTiuniBs 



I»l iserutUT imi-i.iGPirrK.- Ttirre will be rWMp fre- 

., . - ■ ■ - T^ ,,:.' ^v :----,, -- , ,^ 

! .ir 

111* 
».■ 

'■■• << ^--1 i': i.vcK.*. — On Ui« Kill of fulinwr? gim 
^' -.:■.-.' •>• |M .1 liolhUjr; fur,on1lilji4My. UK!ft»Uiarei1 
ill '. ; >:r rii ihiit (be t<u«du;nviU Dii( l» ftb1» totUstniy 

n '' ■-,'• ' ■ ■ ' 

Si- ' t'lifcir 'fiRR,— T>>'th!ngln EnslnpiirArrit-f m 
mucli " ' tltv vcryftMofliao « nMxuiMbc. 

Soi ■ . V- — Amciiig tli« Fclliurd Tiir t^e yr«r 

16&0 >u t- •- • ^niit u iiullco ibo lotAl £rllpM u{ 

tk* Siiu, vblcii cNKim everj d*y In Ilia Vernon (•■Ulery, 




"Diu run WABT Tax iiooft ffwcrr, MiKH)** 



QBEOIKAL DIRECTIONS FOB RAILWAY 
TR \VJ:M.r.H8. 

To «i««rtito It a« 0« 
, r«D mtmt ga to flwy 



"f^Srssr*. 



^y rlih * Kuoil«y," -M fiii lit it ttr 



l$ii->i:;y» ~Xvl alloWod, from ohriatia tnoUrM; eSMptlo 
the lucoiuativM KUd tbH i|lt<l->M>SM, 

ttA:i.\riT Rrr.Y \m- Are |t«ia«t»llf Miilr fiwn i—if«n 

t-trnln. A Mirk U kMrt fbr ««BflUl«B^ 

very Mitfurfl c<* <*«( 1x4 MBAta 

1 !>• ti«fl t4liarff« lalnl ywi Ma ■■• h to 

I -li»re. 



Tirt Yorifn Cpcboo 4 CairKrTni.~F«K* fur Um (44 
CiiekoQ Uyi hor «sii In Uw bvd«w-«P*n«*'' ifsl. Unt Uk* 
viMiii^ iitic, «wu after U U hUelkwl, bowU 11m yonnis bvifi*- 

,.. ._ -.,;. .. ,,,^ ,^ ,^^ «Byr ftt ilM 









Mui • burre) at ojwtmw to prv 



&' 



MEMS. FOn PAYEB8 OF ASSESSED TAXES. 
Tax or BL>Tcmu' Uouse*.— Always h«f Inf to Ui*t Mi mOcfl nn hoar, unA to go lupl««l 
ovsr the itonoi. 

I ■lug to drag A lwur-irh««l«tl tUalite, 



0* UoBASS s<n < 
wUli a stout pont^ t 

Oir CAUiiAnx^.— I 
toAf used on • 
alxiccti mIiIIu 

Oir Saavv:-' 
bivaluffn, U*r, .r !>■■ > 

Fua IVRKV Waitir 
lob* looked ni^di a» A . 



r.. (ui'l U»« UJC on "iTvrry iwli1)ti<iitit] 

.'.., tt-'i i<n<l It '. t IX imvnUa una HauuinnJuUli 'busi, wVtii 

-r« In jMvy for tine, Cir If.— 21.1). Thi« docs tmt Uictu<lo 

<^' n. 

Ik I T*^ Ti:v lie ]' vTi>k>.-<tou«K — <hiit [<«nny |wr lutnl, U rfin vMi 

; f*a.\\ jv-T l'-<-.- l••t•i''''"^ l/y'i'i aUlt i>i1iect)iut«I>'rT<4 k;;>'nilttiuttii. 






rlii4lac M« sfka Ihn* poltMaw vol silsto am 



To FisDTHi Vau.'x or * '■ - - 
tlii< k.ltchr<n aliitf ftiit)trBC( M 
ari.>«, anil lUa quitLl«>nl will I.> 

To Fiaro Tini ViLra or * I'uv ■ . ; , ; 

To FiKp ni« Vxt-ua ot Tiuk. 

To FiyD TUB VkLvm at E*D Ufi , - . - \^ .4-- -i.^ - - -.— . - .^t- „. . 

Tn Fivn ntv Vau-v or pATiBsta.—CoiuilK BaanouWi &MUf ■• aHartalji tUi Ujm m 
ALiriliiu u/a ILtilwAy Train. 

MK orr iir rBB»|i4«r.-T1i'' wfll tM»tw«>n PprliiK n4 Wlirtar wni Uh« iOms 
i-pi[M.<tcd iMt utJ $iuf«y Mftlatitiw [liny ; Imii tlit lM<1i antoti iuorw«ii Uia 



DOMESTIC SANITARY REGULATIONS. 




tniVHPIILV. 



JJJ 






)^J 



iGJ 



p 



h' 



-^o 



1^ 



B 



\\ 



MIDSUMMER'^ BIRTH-DA^. 

THE world m»y amSvlf r«Ic<in ap^n my birth on th« 24th of Juna. Thii yew 
I prop^MC to enjoy tnyMlf— to make up for Uio plnehlBKB that my elder 
brvtbera, Mjwturs MiMtmuM Kuutt-Eioht &nd Fi>kTV-NuiB— (poorf«Uevll>— 
(nflhJed Kt iba handi of meu ; bfiTing nuwherv lo rpcrenlr, m.tid no int)vtry to nim^imI. 
TbeniAjra^ gentle friend, expect tat, ODtheSltli, Id look in %t your winduw—whirS 
pny leikTe open -with t jrriuiotu imllf, knd r daliriotiu whitfof (Icvteni. I nhAri 

\^X ))■ ftwKT to Corent Gardtio, and cciosidcr ttic pnia In tlicirtiwcctncMi, llio 
alnnrberrica tnUMtrKlftfT. Let lu pluck our n>4«!i whiU^ «u may; pnt oiirwiilii'ltait 
wbliti we have health and itxviiirth ; and quslT our tuutl««t glaaa of liwck n l(h iJiu 
pleaaant Iwnr a* It paasea. Aod ao wander with the wUe of your 1>OM>ru, ur tlio 
wife that U to be, itpplnc from flower to flower, and Im the lea at tiKAiwoia's the 
only ooldiMHM that ahall ever come between ye. Aitd a« Crab la tJio sodlacal 
mnliiB of my Urth, ao do proper botuagB to Die atgn, by eacriflctng to a Lutiktrr At 
UM mipper hearth. Atuf then oomo vlih MtuiuiuiB Into hia Kvlda, and take 
pleaiure and gather wtadom from what MiuKtnima there halh done for you. Lleivo 
to ttiH cuckoo, and take tieed how you Ho nought but talk of youmelf; behold ihc 
Kraishopper, bow merrily bo einge and vaults, bccauae he baa no tbick bloiMl la 
him. 8ce the mtllloDa of flowen Uiat etnll* upon yoa, and-dropptiiit *>» a 
hnrcock, a thmriB fur A r-riM.O - cuuHider what a Iwaulifnl world le above yuli, 
*nrl About yau ; and take hticd you do your btat to be worthy of tbe gtwdiiea* that 
atwoudJ in it, and le heaped (u iM ]iliie4>fl." 



crRsocioirs to uakb a will. 

Take a light dinner, with three- 

fotirthi of a twttle of eo>to<1 pcnlal port 

to opau the pora of the htfurt. t'nl nil 

I our tninxialtles off with a ihillinx. 
f, tiowever, yoa have a dexltfn Kcaiiut 
the anlat who paiatod ynar tKirtndt. 
you wlU bequeath it tr* Uia National 
OftUcry. To insure society tn your 
widow, only leara her your fortune on 
axpreaa oonditlun that aba nuurtea 
ajpiin. After thlt, ahould dM preftv 
poverty, tbe oompllmenc will b« dmiUf 
Taluable. Should yon hare a grndge 
agaiiiat any particular pariah, leare a 
icic of mutton and ulaalngi to bt 
mtiff lor throe times a Wttok at ail Ibe 
churrhcA.— N.B. If yon make your will 
your«.'H. malLe i( ehort and atral»;)it- 
f>.'rwn.i-iJ,Hko the wnrdion a Anger-pusL 
Lhin't liultAlv If)*!!! pliraaeolo^. Vou 
uin't ^o ill a nnintlabuut, like Ute li\W> 
ycr«, witlumt meaning lomothing— and 
the something may ba fiital. 

A COIt. VOK TBI CORrOltlTION. 

Why are the Corporation, opponenta 
of Bathi and Waahnoosoa, InoDnalsteut 
with Ibemeelvoe? DiscauM, tbouch 
tliey an not Bath chape, they are 
pl^^iaaded. 



DAKOBBOna DBAUHOS. 
A Smithftdd barMln In neomurtiy 
a gambling truuaeiToa. floee It alwajri 
involve* riakinif tbe ebanoe of a toea-iip, 

1 OHAHQE rOX THB WOESB. 
SmitbAeld, oneo celebrated for the 
firmneMa q' ItJi Martym, la now euoally 
renowned fwribaobatinacy of ita Caltlo- 
mart^rs. 

UOW TO HAKB TBIXOS PLKABAJI3 
IK XH OMKIBC8. 

Take a bull-dog la with yon ; or a 
eouple of bitblca ', or produm a piiitui, 
and quietly cock It ; or take the Hit* 
and Cry out of yonr pocket, and ae you 
reail It, look moat Intrntly at the ica- 
turc-i nfeTory perwn In tboomnlbui. 

jIm O'jvitnu TVuijm. — If there ware no 
beaaLt there wouid be no SwItUfivld. 

JVay Kni. t^uakert iwtrm in th* 
Jfrtrc7>o;w.— The beadle of Kxeter-llali 
i« mltuken by ArcadlMUH for Um Lord 
Mayor of Uooaon. 

Clhapatferufjet n/ a yoMenAa.— The 
eteyanofl of hla carrlaco, and tbe lofU- 
neac of bU gikte. 

Pupplca and white kida. 



t^. 



ft -V 



■Up 



{k 



:^ 



O 



*Ui 




1!^ 



Hfr.D WMTsn i)TW7«*«o».— U tha Weather OttM t^nnKod to 0(nraimin«nl« whom 
oaghi («OEo Jo«« IbriMKtj. ia ap|Mlal fur Its dlreewrt Fatum* MA-rnnw, tv kiwp tko 



Advicb to Sro^mui. — Tbe luifnrltad RUMt. vIm ** dim In " tbc tlitrf iiw» bi < 
make up bU mind tii ih« fi'1k)«tnf oMtubroDW ; 0mC flHtMT tlte miatniM of Ibi 
ItlniMlf, ti ran to bo jntt mi, uid pvriuip* both. 



trneUorui AtTorded 
by Londoa t»n»cni- 
try Ttil!<»r< w«i for- 
merly ihd mpiift- 
garla nt Kzulor 

loiiK Ikoti iona 
sway with ; hut 
thflM wtin llk)> 
vUd-bciut alioirt 
may <U1I ro aaiI 
ttriir tlio II vo |K>iitt 
pr*r At tlio NV 
PoMry iUatliis 
•t kxetar Uftlf. 

ntiouA rnn rou- 

Wliy Is A (tIkh 
of K'Mxl Port ltk« 
K I*riiti'cUunl»e 
pnrty ? IkcAiiaoU 
huft bMlywlthoat 
a be«d. 



THE HONEYMOON. 



inB ETKras or 
TW« fn«i.iov. 
AVhitc-bait DoW 

nttko tbfllrRpprar- 
KnM> at Oraenvlcb 
and Block wiJI. 

KATV&ii. nirroRT 

TIm A<miI ihftt 
bus providenulr 
b«(ipfJ tosQtlxir 
bcr tiivm fur itin 
vtntffr will rcf«y 
Ktlcntlun. 

nnrocrrt Twnif. 
linns besf. 

Wben U « ntll- 
w»y trvln Itko • 
farco »t tlwi Ad«1- 
plil? WhfnU'fftU 
rlfbt (Wuaar). 




AuauaTU9 HAKu rsv TiA roa Tn rntsr mowo or mi lAUtuaa. 



TO KAa« rinuna 
An lithUlbU 

..1-,. f,, .-..Mlm 
U 

.. ■ V Mt 

hiiMHo vti um Dar- 
by niBT. 

VAnica ur Kvt^ 

I kVK, AHtWKB 

ir tftA mn la • 
vn>ir'b vbA Mil 
fill ii->t<>Y «trRlntt 
^■. ■ fi'j-| 

ll> -tin 



"SUX'i loci 

It i nrw lli.tattn 
dlMtefff of dwktL 
liWQMdMW-nisi- 



■f wLuti u markeA 
MB tiek«t<»lgli^ 
U wh>t Qvy omO 
IbMir "eodo of »- 

tl^untta." 

vnv rsifT 09 
nciftv. 

Tbo flovan fa 
Joiw. Wot 111 
UMtlfFkUMMHoara, 
afliml tbo «p* * 
na^utcsal blow- 

Mnir TVry ^ 

—Tha SliT ud 




IM UW^IIM iiVi 41 WPUWII PiRIL 





^Jtr^£ 



BOW TO KAKE UFC BMIKEKTLT DI5A0&S&ABLE. 
(0V a iimiv wfarfrf JTcrrwl HVmm). 

H 11 J ftiM Mbrvbaad. Aj thisci are nun (a turn out dlflfennllT- Trocn 
_ >d, Otb wtilteilUAriM jQu wllii dlMVpot 
n|Hn turtittilu l«i ■ inliliiiinnr.inilin taJnUwapportmiltrof FwlDKlum 
_ JB «<M]i hftv* tam If KtiMiMiig had been ilooo iIhU ham't 

nmm0nwtr la iri0«a^ •• tiicire U no njing hov iocn you mft^ bt Mllcd upon la give 
«*v Ik MMton m Bora inparuna. 
A m if l j ■» T lAlk«>rhvr t^rmabi, tiDtsbonld iwrnrloirwr httrwl/ «o nu- «• to talk fotlimi. 
Xercr Ansi fhr yvur hu«b«£ul, whldli vUl ttach him La tjUuc yuu fur 70UI- gift« dF lailult 
aei. T'nir *Urv:u<iiu o^ ["^r-fio. 

fir A(lKt[fin<<. tut itiftTO ts no tmyiag hnw noB Ibey mtj mttar, 
1.: ! hfnot iiitoiiBi^UncT, 

. lu 1j I ) ..K.I <r bf? VUl in Ubm ocHBO Id look on ) u hotue u • 
Club, u l>t;ru aU b Ci^ulti I un . '' :. 

BiorTntiurr ta 8fiuh<}.— TU< Irr vrltl ncnr n ltm i n Ihit tke inc*dowi, unn th« 

Tenwl ihownn, utt iwlonied •tau ..i< Ln.M.tf ulm or txM^inlWt l>uUuo; iad wiU wLdi li* «4lM 
■■7 tlM mow m hb slilru wbon thry ixiRiu bntiio frapi tW tt«th. 



TTPOGHApmcAL rv 

Lmct year « Kvero slMck of to tArtlnioako wu t 




I uiiuii u iiuniiiiiiiuii I uii ^ 



hwdkL Homv— Wbea yoor Uwycr tctbi yon ttut toq i»n mnlnuln nn irtton, 1m 

frmoently baa no rrfhrr lUiJect than th&t you •liould Ajulat in r. . i m. 

Under the RejclstrftlloQ Aet,Uli doI DCoettuy toregUlerk l^erUi ur< : ,t. 

IitRqcAUTT OP Taxbi. Th« dnty on a pMk of hontHU ta Um :a, 
but CIO ■ pick oTimrdi II is only dchtMn-peoeB. 



To FniD TBI Tim or Pnnu^F. 
•nil if jnn ftlli 'I 
wtH n«Tcr rm.l 
b kppl up Willi . 
exjul baar of saiiriv*. 



'Tttt itineof(T]nri^i<iI^ppnilB utviu the UttCuile. 

Utitiwl^ in t\ h , . tuU 

it all. A *■ ing 

■, will he iiic"ri . ... (bo 




III 



'MP MASS Mn|i OJ qaipi ■ tiip •lai ^^ aipMNi Xjsa* uo oXb di*i|f « Bavq u) 



•£in«nb 
fo HMUV Aig « i{}^ {mtiuAap ptni 'j«}«jt ju miil « 9iu\ Xipidoj tLHuitj) 'JKJfnijo 







OUR FEMALE SUPERNlJMERAItlES. IN A SERIES OF VIEWS. 



THE COMMERCIAL VIEW.— The muslin home-mu-ket is in a staf e 
■■■ of cxtrcwedcpreMion. The supply grefttly exceeds the denwnd, and 
the hrliclt; is a uiere drug. Haud» cui scarcely oonunaud a purchaser, 
iDd the liKiuiries for hearts are very few. Sempstreasec are ({uoted at 
lanienUbly reduced figures, and domestic tervattU, at no time parti- 
cularl/ brisk, are now duller than cTcr. The colonial trade in this 
descnptionof goods, however, is still lively, tbcy b^ing especially in 
request in AusTralia, whither some shipmenls of i\\tm have been 
already coniigrned ; and if is to be hoped that every facility wiil be given 
to their coDtmued eiportafton. 

Taa CrsiCAt View,— Wherever there is misohief, women are sure 
to be at the bottom f>f it. 'i'he state of the country hears out Ibis old 
saying. All our difficulties arise from a supei abundance of females. 
The cmlr remedy for this evil is to pack up bi^ and baggage, aitd start 
them away. 

The A.LABMWT View. — If the surplus female population with which 
we are overrun increases much more, we shall be eaten up with women. 
What used to be our better half will soon become our worse nine-tenths; 
a numerical mojorit-y which it will be vain to contend with, and which 
will rednce our free and glorious constitution to that most degrading 
o( all deapotismt, a petticoat government. 



Thb Domestic Vibtt.— The daughters of England sre ♦oo numerous, 
and if their Motlier cannot otberwiae get them off her hands, she muat 
send them abroad into the world. 

The Scholastic View. — The country is fail losing its masculine 
chariicter. and brooming daily more feminine. Measures must be UUten 
for restoring the balance of gender, or them will soon be no such pro- 
perty a* propria qtue marUmn in Grpat Britain, and not a a'iver shail wo 
uare to bless ourselves with of «•« itproMHii. 

The NiTURxuai's View.— On the Cockney Sportsman's game-list 
there is a li'ile bird callid commonlv the chaffinch; by Hal»lp^hire 
you»h, tlie chink ; and hv T,inv.€L's, FnHgilla atiebs. Liknjeus was «, 
Swede, and called tlic chafliuch arfedt, bi caisr in Swr-lcn and other 
northern countries, in winter, ihe females nii,^rate, and leave the malea 
bachelors. It is to be wished tha* our own redundant females were far 
enough north to take wing, like the hen ohriffiuch. 

Our own View.- It is lamentable that thousands of poor girls 
should starve here upon slops workuig for slopsellers, and only not 
dying old maid3 because dving young^ when stalwart mates and sohd 
meals might he found for all in Australia. Doubtless, they would flv as 
fast as the Swedish ben-chaffinches— if only they had the means of flying. 
It remains with the Government and the country to find them wings. 



e 



A Oloriouft Beaolv«. 

An important resolution has just been come to by the Corporation of 
Bocheater, whose members, we are told by the public press, have 
"determined to wear appropriate costume on all fu'ure public occa- 
sions," There mas^ be some very determined characters among the 
Corporation of Rochester, for it requires no little determination in 
these daya to resume the ma»quer;ide dresses of a Mayor and Alderman, 
alter it has once been aitreed to abandon them. It is rare, indeed, that 
we ftod persons desiroiu of hugging their oludns, even though they be 
of an Aldermanic oharaeier. 



The SignHy of OoaL 

The Nmo fork Snquirer says of Iho " Negro Emperor," that ** hii 
colour is the most thorough ooal-bUck." Cau this personage be iden- 
tical with our ancient friend, Kms CoalF If so, we hope His Majesty 

will keep up his famous ounccrrts with renewed spirit, and that the 
merry oid soul, with his fiddlers and trumpeters, wdl be merrier than 
ever, now Ihit lie has been promoted to be Emperor. Coal will mak( 
as good an EDipcror. no doub', as anvbody. in the fnoe uf his coit 
plexion : and, notwithstanding the ootd weather, we r^oice i^t this ri 
of Coal. 



Vol. XVj 



^&S*~*»KVv 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



TRAPS AND RATTLE TRAPS. 

Ton nraai be lomethinic quite Hindooiih in tbe eonstitntion of thf 
British fenuMe of our own oaf, for in tpile of ererr wanung sbe u 
eontionftllx nuhtDf to the alftrmiag Mcribce. Directly a lioen-dnper 
rftisee the ftUrm, and intinutes to tbe public an exteoeiTe emuh or 
CTMh, the British female mns forward to beimaabed or eraahed, as tbe 
ease mar be, and to implicate herself in the meshes of tome ruinous and 
trcmeodous failure. The Lineodraperr Juggernaut has an unintemtpted 
stream ot female rieiims throwing tfaemselTes constantly beneath it, 
•ad we can scarce!/ pitj thm, when, having Toluntarilf placed them- 
selves in the power of the victimiser, they flad tbeir ntreat mdelf cot 
off, and their eaoaipt impossible. 

All sorU of 
eipedients are 
BOW adopted to 
prevent tbe de* 
parture of a fair 
oaptive, who Um 
onoe4)ecn tempt- 
ed within the 
cheap linen-dra- 
pery estabUsh- 
ment, to which 
the cave of the 
fortv thieves af- 
foroii a fit com- 
panion. Steps 
•re drawn across 
the door to bar 
lier egress, and 
•n unrestricted 
opening of rhe 
purse IS tbe onlr 
'^OpnnSe.ame'^ 
which will set 
her again at lib- 
erty. We begin 
to see the dnft 
of those remark- 
•bteoontrirances 
for shutting up 
• shop entnuice 
by means of a 
■ort of blind 




« OUR WASHERWOMAN ! " I 

[The interests of society denMmd the insertica of the sufafoined 

letter]. 

"Oe.ME.PinrcH! 

"Talk of undertakers' char^! T^ of butchers' aad 
bakers' bills ! WeU— Christmas is the tune for making a tcMlo about 
them, certainly. But of all the expense and ruinatum to families, 
there's nothing comes near tbe wickedness then is in washing. Here, 
I came up a month ago, next Wednesday, to keep house for AuouavM, 
who I ho^ and tmst will succeed in his professicm, end in his poor 
Uncle's tune, when he lived in tbe Cottage^ hnving none of our own. 
we oonsideFed him •• sudi, and used to wash him im the country. I 
know he '11 never forget his poor Aunt, and how nice his thinga used 
to, be sent him, witoont speck or spot, as white and as sweet aa 
lilies, without a rumple or a crease, and not a button off any of then. 
80. when I got here, I toc^ end looked over his Unen| when k^ end 
behold yon, it was all shrids and fribbitL the pleats of toe shirt-fronts 
slit all up, tbe gussets unripped, the backs all in holes, and the rest aa 
rotten as a pear : and his sheets the sameL and his mght-gowBL nd 
nigbi-csps, and nis doileys, fit for nothing but to make tinder o^ and 
that is no use now they nave thoae dangerous oongreves. His best silk 
handkerchiefs I bought myself, end gave five shillmn a-piece for, worn 
to rags, worse than (Ad dusters ; his drawers and under-waisteoala, 
fine merino, patched all over with caHoo, and bis poor toea coming 
through his socks. 'Gracious goodness! Auovstvs,' I said, 'how 
yon lave been wearing ont_your things.' ' Well,' he says, ' Aunt, I 
don't know how it is.' 'Well,' said J, 'it's verr strange.' But I 
soon found out the reason. Not more than twice nad I sent my own 
things to the wash, when home Uiey came; my frilU that I had only 

shimmyxetts, 

Scandalous I 

and sixpencft> 

halfpenny, ifa farthing ; and all my nice things spoiled. Abominable 1 
You may suppose I gave our Washenrofnan a pretty talking to; but 



what do you think 1 foimd out f I said to her * * * JWt mt mnder 

ike neeettitjf qf tligktlp ewtaiUng (he eonvertatiom.—ED,'] • • * 

and she said • • • * and then wiys Jawe • • * and so* • * 

Ay D I romro it was au. bxcaosb thet use Bleachdio Powdek ! 

Xett Mr, Fimek : that is what the nasty Usy old creatures do to 

save trouble. Tbey might as well steep thin^ in vittril, or put them 

into the fire to be cleaned, as I have heard u done with clothes made 

out of asbbestis. This is now my beautiful mnrons, every one, and aU 

Augustus's table-cloths, and each hit of under-clothing we have either 

r<«».^ *r I z . . , , . of ^ BO** li*'« •!! bemi mined. Besides, the bleaching only whitens 

lorroea Of Iron bars, which, upon betoif let down, would at once convert ' the dirt- doesn't get it out, so it is natty as well as destructive. I 

:.TSii .Y? _"*""**"r ^°*o. » tr*P» ?i **>»<!>• ^*»« .customer remains caged i have no patience with those good-for-nothing washerwomen that eat up 

our clothes, worse than moths, in this way; it is ftsin. There is quite 
waste eoongb in every honse without that Do, |)ray, Mr, Pmks, ti/ 
your best to put down this wicked system of washing ; and the save it 
will be, and the distress you will remove, and tbe dreadful scenes of 
passion and scolding that you will prevent, there is no saying. Do, Sir, 
and 1 am sure X shall ever be, 

" Your thankful Reader, 

"Sabah Tsimxee." 



until the ransom is paid under the nominal guise of purchases. 

We recommend the British female to avoid every puffing concern 

Where th^e onsonlike arranwrnents are in use, or she may find her- 

ifiwd ■•""' **" **'* ^°^^ •**• submits to be alarmingly 



THUEE BUTCnERS' BRIDE 

A Ladt, residing in Aldgate, writes • letter to the Timei in defence 
of the high oh*rces of butchers, on the plea of the hardsbips endured 
by that class of persons. " I have been," says this good lady, "a 
butcher's wife on and off for the last 26 years"— a piece of information 
which she explains by stating : — 

'' I lun had thne hail)*n4i all batehan, and 07 laat dlad odIj iU montha afio." 

NevrrthelesSf sbe asks 

" ?.l** *?"" "y *^T enatoimri Ilka thalr htubandii to eona to bad at 1 ^Cleek, 
smallljir of bMf or naiton mal, and othar thliifa too dalloata to nantlon t " 

Considering that the worthy widow has had a threefold experience 
of such bnshands, we must say she appears to have been singnlariv 
wedded to butohen. 



Tho Xxperimtnt of Xtodging^Bouios. 

PuHCn halls with all bis heart the opening of the lodging-house for 
m single men m Spitalflelds. He sincerely hopes that the success of 
the establishment, at reguds the single, will lead to iU wider appli- 
eat^ to the married. He supposes it wu tried on first wHh the 
baehelort--whom oertemly it has proved to fit-^ aooordaaoe with the 
masim— " ^0/ •tptrmtJm im eorpon vUL" 



Otm Stzvimr'oTK or Mmat.— Just to show how impartially we 
Mm view either side of •question, we will Murtbikt ia the ense ofBtnx 
MTfM BuTcniL Hi. Bull is acting very like iStr^oo^-deterrnhMd to 
have his pound of flesh for hu money. 



DEPOSITS rOR THE SINKING FUND. 

We present Mb. Diseaeu with the following small deposits for his 
Sinking-Fund. 

Westminster Bridn^ u^ich looks in snob a very weak sfato thai we 
are sure it is gradually sinking. 

The new fa^e to Buckingham Falaci^ vhicb has sunk the remainder 
of the building to the very lowest inai^ificance. 

M&. Chaklbs pHiLLirs's Letter, which has been the meant of sinking 
him in the public estimation. 

And lastly, Mk. Disraeli's speeches on apiricultnral questions, which 
we are sure are heavy enough to sink anythmg. 

The above are sufficient to start the femous Sinking Fund, for at 
present it is • matter of such very little account that we doubt if there 
IS any foundation for it nt kli. We really believe the Fund in question 
is nothing more than a mere Fund of Humour, upon whioL Ms. 
DiSRAEU draws pretty freely as often as he wishes to nay off the poor 
Protectionists. 

KidwintoT Harreati 

Jx tiio oonrie of • iuburbui walk last Saturday, in oompany wi& an 
aaqnaintouMi, we passod • horso-pond, out <^ which some oonfeotionflr's 
men were loading • donkey-cart with ice. On our obaerving that this 
was a wise prepvation for ne&t summer, oar oompanion, aa Iriah geor 
tleman, said "ihat it oertainlr was makmg hay ia fine weather." 



PTjNCH. or the LONDON CHARIVARI. 



OUR LITTLE BIRD. 



FB0PO8AL rOB A VOVTnaVT TO TEX ZATB QUCEX DOVAGEB. 

There have beeo made seTcral prcv-osi'ioni for a monument of aoroe 
kind to tell to future fEcnerationa the' aboundiofr goodness of the late 
QuEEB DoTAGER. One writer prcposes that the sum of a hundred 
thousand pounds be raisrd in Bub*orinlions of no larger anioant iban 
haif-a-crown, so that eight huudred luousaud persona nmv have a tmall 
ebare^ astone or brick in the cliarch, to be called Adelwdo Church — 
an edifice thai shall make memorable the piefy of the departed Indr. 

Another kindly projector sujrjtesta the erection of a Cmaa only— a 
simple Cross. At which suepestion, we take it, Exeter Hall shakes its 
atony head, and glowers with becoming scorn. 

Another thinks a certain number of Alms-houses, in which poor 
gentlewomen may meekljr wait to die, would in a manner, sieniGcant 
as tt«ful, illustrate the active virlues of the noble gcnllewoman 
who has made to gracious an end, rebuking nothing save the rauiiies 
of the undertaker, that n>ight follow her; and which, indeed, were not 
to bo fttfogelhcr rebuffed even by the last words of an anointed Qdeen. 
Pomp leoti/d somewhat assert itself. 

We meddle not with any of these prefects. If the money he forih- 
coming, if the half-crowns leap to the willing hand, let them be paid in. 
and let the masons set forthwith to work, Ihe trowels tinkling har- 
moniously. All we ask is, the enjoyment of our right to propose the 
notion ol a Queek Adelaide Mouument, such memorial to be solely 
undertaken and wholly carried out a', the expense of government. 

But then, it may be urged, the expense of government is only a 
phrase of course — so many shifting words, the tru» meaning of which is, 
the expense of llis Majesty, the People. In this case, liowcver, we 
do not propose to lay even an extra pennvweight upon the aforesaid 
people. No ; ihe Adelaide Monument shall s(and fair and beautiful in 
the light, and not cost ihe people an additional farthing. For the 
Monument: shall not be of ephemeral Purbcck atone or deca)iDg 
granite — but of enduring stuff : of nothing less tban Paper — of paper 
white and spotless, and typical of the purit-y of the memory it eternises. 
Our plan is wondrously simple — and toen so very facile of execution. 

One hundred thousand pounds a year is saveit to tbe revenue by the 
loss of thfi good Qi;£KN Adelaide. We simply propose that, saving 
this much, we repeal the excise upon paper. For consider, what a 
seTJous thinfT^what a grand thing, is paper ! liow lofty— now tub- 
lime, ma^ be its functions ! A sheet of paper is as the physical wing to 
tbe spiritual thought, carrying its presence round atiout the worid. 
Upon such wings do the philosophers and poets, the jurists and the 
joumali<4ls, fly. Upon such win^ do all mute words enter into the 
souls and hearts of men. What u the paper of a letter, but the wings 
that bear a voice P 

Well, knowing this, it is a little irksome to human patience lo know 
the many tyrannical and foolish practices wrought upon paper pinions 
by the fantastic exciseman. How they are cut and plucked, ana laden 
by a hundred stupid nnd despotic caprices. The t^yptians, who bad a 
deep meaning in ail their symbols — so deep, it often hafQcs us in its 
darkness— shipped Isis, when she searched for the remains of Osibis 
in a bark of papyrus — a paper boat ; for even the crocodiles respected 
the papyrus, never so much as snapping at it. There can be no doubt 
that in this the Egyptians intended to manifest the solemn function 
of ^per as a vessel sacred to the Intellect — a vessel that even the 
instinct of savage ignorance shonld respect. Such was the paper boat 
of lais. How oifTerent the fate of tbe paper boats of Britannia — the 
milliona of erafi made on the banks of her thousand rivulets and 
streams ! Why, in every paper milhdaio lurk twenty alligators, who, 
at any hour, may turn up in the shape of excisemen ! And how thev 
overhaul the boats, wtiab pranks they are duly licensed to plaj witL 
them, it would take too maoh paper here to tell. 

And yet the S'al« professes to venerate tbe function of paper. In 
our love of its sublime utility, we make schools for raggedness, and 
hope to save from shipwreck the soul of ignorance in a paper boat. 
And we do ail we can to overload, even to sinking, the pjwer vessel 
with the weight of taxes flung aboard. Wonderful is it to tnink how, 
with such a crew of excisemen, paper swims ! 

However, to proceed with our jlan for a Paper Monument to the 
Memory of Queen Adelaide, Tlie repeal of the excise on the fabric 
would DC a ttpautiful memorial, and lasting as touching. Her late 
Majesty, from her shelf in St. George's Vault, subscribes towards the 
repeal a hundred thousand a year. 

Ye rr true," answers a stAtistical familiar; "but then the Paper 
duty— the tax laid upon the wings of knowledge — was for 184S, not 
one hundred, but seven hundred and Ufty-one thousand pounds. Thu?, 
it is clear that tbe dropped pension of Queeh Adklaidx, would not 
give even a seventh of the tax. To be sure, the whole matter might 
be disposed of in a trice if certain of the living would subicrihc to the 
Monument. Xf, for instance, a king would send from Hanover a 
subscription of £i21,000 a-year— if a king in Belgium would do some- 
thing—if sinecurists, the white ants of tbe State, who devour anything 



bx the shape of taxes, and some of whom especially, feed upon lettrr- 
Mper— for the family tree of a Graptok is in truth only a bulrush* 
Post OlBoB napyras * — if these, the teeth of the State, would forego 
somewhat oi their provender, paper would instantly, like No&n's dove, 
fly free — nor fly without the oiive. But this is not to he hopfd/* %sj% 
our statistical friend; "and so we must seek a Monument t<» QTrRCK 
Apelaidb in other materials. Paper is forbidden us. But what think 
you of an Advertisement Monument ? Tbe amount of duty on 
advertisements in 1849— tlie price paid to the State for permission to 
ssk custom, or to ask emplov in pri'it., was only one hundred and 
fifty two thousand, nine hundred and twenty six pounds. The late 
QuEEK DowAOER, in her lapsed pension, at onco contributes one 
hundred thousand of the sum — whiUt the odd 6fty-two, why, it is not 
fo be spoken of — the Life Guards would contribute it in ahi^ndoned 
gold-lace, or the Maids of Honour offer it in pocket-money. What say 
you y An Adverlisement Monument to the Qiteck Dowaqeb ? " 

A most felicitous thought. Far b?tter than the hallorown subscrip- 
tion is thn eighteenpence saved to the poor who, seeking labour 
through the ncwspap'^rs, must pay tbe additional one-and-sixpence to 
the Exchequer, or liold their peace. Abolish the advertisement duty; 
U'uke such abolition monumental lo the memory of the QCEEV 
Do WAG EH, and consider for a moment the number and the condttion 
of the [>eople who are made to feel the rrltef granted by QuXEir 
Adelaide even in her grave. The "Young Lady who wants a situa- 
tion as Governess," feels Ihe royal bounty in her own narrow pocket. 
The "Wtt-nurse, a respectable married woman," is eighteenpence the 
richer ; and ** A Uood Plain Cook, with no objection to the country." 
saves her one-and-sixpence to help her on her way by rail or coacIi, the 
ritua'iou carried. From the schoolroom, down — down to the scullery 
— the cighreenpenny benevolcncs would be felt, and the memory of 
Queen Adelaide be gratefully enshrined. 

AnKighteenpenny Monument to IheQtiEEK Dowagea, by all meant. 

A Lirrus Btao. 

* Fran Clw moflta of RnwLAMb Hnx's jMmDlsii. tlia Ditxk ov 0%Awmm. hvrinf^ 
CnABLXS THK RKoont's eosUy blood In bis tsIiu — um rvjui iiurplu U Mry 4iMr,boW' 
evtsr mlaltVKtnl— uli«6 by nf»l grant, £l0,fiee a ywr. 



ROMAN WALLS HAVE EARS. 

B. PmfCB'a old friends, the 
Arcbwologians, bnvo lately 
« discovered something which 

they call a Koman Wall , and 
they are determined the wall 
shall have ears, for they give 
it an audience. How lliey 
ascertained tbe Uomantsm of 
the wall, we cannot tell, for it 
consisted only of a few old 
bricks, and there was no other 
foundation to go upon. 

DiL Pettjgrew brought it 
forward, and the Committee 
sat on the wall for nearly an 
hour. Another Member then 
produced some fragments of 
coarse pottery, consisting of a 
slice of an old tile, half an 
ounce of broken plate, and Ihe spout d \ pipkin, which somebody turned 
into a handle for a long argument. Aiwlher Member then threw down 
upon the table a "small collection of old nails:" but after vainly trying 
to tack something on to these nails, or to hit, the right one on the bead, 
the meeting broke up in a state of wisdom absut equal to that in which 
they had assembled. Another Member had been proceeding to lecture- 
upon an old helmet, which he called a "caaque." but the casque WM 
so thoroughly dry, that it served as a wet to noDody's curiosity. 





aoMAx mzMAins t 



Punch's Abridged Seport of Fhilpotts v. Oorhani. 

The Pope, his comiuission for finners to prove. 
Sends BuUs, without mercy, to bore 'em: 

Our Philfotts, to show his "more fatberiy love, 
Kefuses pcrmisaion to ffore *«m. 



U 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




A FUNERAL AFTER SIR JOHN MOORE'S. 

rUBiriSHXD BT AX UHDXBTAKEl. 

Not a mute one word at tlie foneral apoke^ 

Till avay to the pot-houae we harriea, 
Kot a be&cer diachar^ his ribald joke 

O'er the glare where onr *' party " we buried. 

We buried him deariy with Tain diBj^, 

Two hundred per cent, returning. 
Which we made the tira^fiting or^DaBa pay, 

AU consideratioB flptming. 

With plumes of feathers hia hearae was dreat. 

Pall and hatbanda and scarfs we found faim ; 
And he went^, as a Chriatian, unto his rest, 

With his empty pomp around him. 

None at all were the praters we said. 

And wfi felt not the slightest sorrow, 
But we thoneht, as the rii ea were perform'd o'er the dead. 

Of the bill we 'd run up on the morrow. 

We thought as he sunk to his lowly bed 

That we wish'd they cut it shorter, 
So that we might be off to the Saracen's Head, 

For our gin, and our pipes, and our porter. 



Lightly we speak of the "party " that 's gone^ 
Now all due respect has been paid him ; 

Ah ! little he reck'd of the lark that went on 
Near the spot where we fellows had laid hina. 

As soon as our sable task was done, 

Not a moment we lost in retiring ; 
And we feasted and froUck'd, andjpoked our (on. 

Gin and water each jolly boul finog. 

Blitbdjr and quickly we quaff'd it down, 
Siogug Bong, cracking ioke, telling story ; 

And we snouted and huigh'd all the way up. to Town, 
Riding outside the hearse in our glory ! 



Thm Old L&dt is supposed (aftsr a okut kpport) to hatk mack 
up usb. himd to tbatbl, just por oncb, bt onb ** of th&b nbw 
faiiolbd bailwatb," amd thb pibst thing bmb bbholds ob abaitlka 
at thb station, is tbs abovb host alabmimg placand. 



A BETTER PLANT THAN PROTECTION. 

" 1 B£ a farmer; and afore the cam lawa was done away wi, 
I waa a monoppullHt, as was only nateral, for of all oar mother's 
ohildem we all on ua lores ourzelves the best. But full well I knows 
'til in vain a;|>ectin to get them laws back. The people wnn't stand a 
bicad-tax Map. never no more. We 're got Yree Trade, and must put 
np wi 't. Well ;' aeein aa how we hare got it, what I say is let 's make 
toe. moat on't. Qoo droo wi't. D^'t stand shiliy-ahallyin ball- 
w». Goo the whole hog in Yree Trade, and iat *a ha 't in every thinfr- 
If jorrenera be to compete wi ua, let' we compete ¥i forrenera. Gie ua 
Vree Cultivation. Let *i ha liberty and licence to ^w whatsamdever 
we 're a mind to. What cause or mat impediment u there, I wants to 
know, why we a)u)uldn't cult ivate Tobacco P Th«re 'a a law agin it, m 
I dare say you're aware; and don't tell me that 't wouldn't pay^; for U 
80 there never- would ha bin no sich law: besides 'Ua well anouelj 
know 'd as 'twould pay in some siles, specially in Ireland. Let 's La 
the tobscoo-stopper took out o' the statutes, and zee what we can do 
with the Tobacco Plavt. I say our game is to ai^tate for the right 
to maVe the most aa ever we can out cr the land, wfaieh ool do us moor 
good by half thanjtoin about blubberon fa Purt^ion. Just you mind, 
Mr. Fmnek, what laipra about TOBAOOOiand if. so be as how you M hb 
ao ^ood as to print it, I 'd thaakeat fori do believe 'tis a hint^ worth 
takin. 

" I believe. Sir, you be a true friend to the Farmer, thof you doan't 
palaver un. Now juat tou put the fanneran world up to this here 
notion o mine about Horn Qbowv Tobacco; and 1 doan't tbiuk 
you 'U repent foUem the.adviee of 

" Tour reghwr Reader, 

"F&ULAMD TlLLBR." 



I THE LAST DAT8 OP THE PALACE COUBT. 

As Foinpeii was swept away or rather buried under a stream of lava, 
80 has the Palace Court been destroyed by the volcanic buret of indig- 
nation which, within the last year, has broken over itl Its own plreous 
palaver baa "heea wa^Led away in the lava eibanating from that avenging 
Vesuvine, ihe public mouthy which had sent forth in worda that horn, 
the doom of the Palace Cowft. 

Friday. December the aSfh, will be remarkable, in the annals of 
enlightenment^ as the last day of the sittings of this tribonaL The 
Ju[|ge W43 on the bench, but ttie bar was absent from the melancholy 
scene, ami a aolitsTv usher attended as chief mourner at the colemnity. 

.Two Rttomie* acted bs mutes, fur they never opened their mouths, and 
as if to perform an act of pity in its liuit moments, the Court refused to 
make an order upon a pE>or woruau, who a';tended for her sick hui^band,' 
at the suit of a tiklly-man- 

The case vas one with which the Court would, no doubt, have dealt, 
in its dnys of vigour and ri^ur; for though the defendant's bea 
had been pawned, Mid the family were starving, there waa nothii^to 

Idistrnguiah the ea&e from hundreds of others tnat had gone before, 
and would have coroe again if the Court had continued to exiat. 
Happily, the reicording angel has something to place among the final 

I retiordfl of tHe Court which may be accepted as a nartial expiation of - 

, soniis of its past enormities. De mortwu ml msi oomm. Tne I^Iaoe' 
Court ia dead"; so is our enmity. 



A Dead Swivdlv.— An Undertaker's BtU. 



Vniveraity PrixAs. 

TiTB subjects propoied to the competitors for prises in the Univfiv, 
sity of C^mbridie, wo^dd certainly do credt*: to the authors of thai' 
popakr farlhtng aerial which comes out at four sheets a pennv, ujpdar 
the li'le of " N«ts to Cract" at Christmas ti^ue. The Cambridge nuts 
are peculiarly adapted for those who have cut their wise teeth; and 
perhfips a dfig-tooth or two may be useful in digesting such dog Latiir 
ax Sfuikvuperui, afld otlier tehnSf in which the' University H mntiH iH 
Iwiuriftre. 

Ont! of the theniei for I^iktin prose, is "Shakbspbabh and HOKM 
compared," which seems to pave the way for the atill , greater ^anteitt 
an imstting year, of a oompuiaon between Goodwb cnada 'a^ Tatt^ 
terdctt Steeple. 



m 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAlllVAHJ. 



BCJENES FEOM THE LIFE OF AN UNPEOTECTEB 
FEMALE. 

ScSNt 9.— 2V Crotting ai Charing Crou, The Unpeotectm) Fexalb ' 
ij on tlui foot-way, with three QaUUvttn teaitinff for an " Atloi" (tea 
Ladiea experiing a " Brompton" ttoo membem of the itrtet sme^ing 
familji^ Kelt known i« the migh/iourhocd, Mseral reduced tradetMM 
Mtiiing penknive$t and a nuPuroM lUsortmeHt qf orange-toomtn, 

Ailoi Cad. Now, K'nnVt'n ! K'nnVt'n ! {Vupbotecied Femalb 
maktt a nah to eros4). Here you are — MVani — K'onV^'ii- iSeua her. 

Unprotected Female. IDon't, please — 1 'm not goinsr to KeniungtoQ. 

BfiM^ttoH Cad. Here you are, Ma'am; Fuibani ! Pultiam ! 

Unprotected Female. No. no, — [ 'm not going to Fulliam. 

Ci<Uea Cad. Ch'Isea- Ma'am? Cli'lsea- ! 

[They jevrround UNFROtECTED F£UjU4E, and argue teitk her. 

Unprcteiled Female. No! no! I'm not going anywhere — thank you. 

BoMiom Caiman {whtpfifff tharp out r/ Parliameni Street). Now — 
Stoopid — Hoy ! 

Unprotected Female {escaping back to pavement mth some difficulty). 
Ob ! goodness graciouB ! 

Hamom Cabmwi, 'Ere you ore, Ma'am. 

Clermiee Cabman {off Farliament Street rank). 'Ere you are, Ma'am — 
(to Utmscm). Lady don't vont ^our JHck*io-tLe-box. 

Bmnaom Cabman. Anyways, it 's better nor your pill-box. 

Ut^troteeied Female {deprecating^). Oh, I don't want either. I 'm 
not going anjwkere. Now, then, 1 think. I can get across. ( Makes hvr 
iSrstnuh^but is arrested &y a solemn procession efstreetsiee^ngmackina.) 
Ub, dear, dear I 

EldesK^the (kossing-Siceeper Family. Oil, please, Ma'am — do. Ma'am 
—poor little gurl, Ma am. 

[Sxeeutes pantomime with Kerbetom^ andtcinisat Atlas Conductor. 

Umprvtected Female. Go away, you bad girt— 1 saw you laugltinij just 
now. Now, then. {She prepares for her serotid tusk. 

Siaid Jtlas Passenger {seizes her by the thawl). Stop— you '11 be run 
over ! [Two Kenniagton 'busses turn the comer, racing at full speed. 

Hansom Qtbman. Now, Mum, you 'ailed me. It 's a BoiJliB'. 

Unprotected Female. But I 'm going to walk. 

Clarence Cabman. No — it was me toe lady 'oiled. A sbilim', Marm. 

Unprotected Female, Ob 1 never did bail either of you— 1 'm sure I 
didn't, Sit {to Staq) Atuls PjLSSKKCEu). Now, go away, or i'U call 
Aomebody. 

BoMiom Oabman, Ob, you calls yourself a lady— Yah 1 

Clarence Cabman. I vouldn't be mean, if I vaa you — now then ! 

Unprotected Female {wondering what ihe has done to deserve this). Ob, 
gracious me ! Ob, dear me. 

Foiieeman {lounging round the corner^ severely to Unpeotecteo 
Fjeiiaijb). Now, Marm, move on— do — we can't avc any rows here, 

Unprotected Female. Oh, it's these cabmen — I dou't wjuit ibem, and 
they teiil coiue. (Casvek retire to ihtir ranks at appearance of Fo 
UCXKAM}. Now, 1 think I can get across. \She makes a thtra rush. 

2nd Hewtber ^tke Croesiajf' Siceeper Family {jumping btfure her). Oh, 
a penny, please — please Mum, a penny — a penny. Mum — ^poor girl. 
Muni. \_Bars toe passage. 

Unprotected Female. Ah ! get away, do, you wicked girl ! Here 's a 
coal waggon I {Strives in vain to escttpe over the C&ossino-Sweepek — 
the coai-tcaggon gets uearer — SKe appeals to the fote horse of the team.) 
Ob» don't run over me! {fke s-gaiions emimat answers the appeal by 
wUkisuf tuomfar krr tofoes back io^ot-way.) Thank goodness t 

%r4 Member (f Crosstng-Siceeper Family. Ob, please Mum — a penny. 
Mum— poor gjrl, Mum— 

Unprotected Female. Oh, it was you nearly got me roa over. 1 've 
a good mind to give you in charge. 

OrossingSKceptr [leering at her). Come now— stagh it, old 'ooman. 
[£»c«(/m a wild donee qfdeHance with the oid ^ her besom to the 
great delight of the Cads and Cabmen. The eoalieaggon has 
now ddiled aerois Trafalgar Square. 

Unprotecled Female. Now, I think 1 cau get across, {^he perceicet an 
Omnsbus coming past Spring Gardens {l^t), and another at the Charing 
Crots Hospital {right) and pauses to calculate their distances). Yes, 1 
think I can get over oefore that one comes up. {Rushes two steps into 
the road.) Ob, no ; I don't Ibink I can. {Her heart misgives W, and 
$ke maiet a ttep in retreat.) Yes, 1 'm sure I can. 

{^Jkiakes a violent rush, and comes in ierrHic contact with a stout gentU' 
man who it reading a letter he kas just received at the Charing 
Cfist Fost-OjRce. 

Letterreoding GentJeman. Confound the woman — hollo, Ma'am — any 
dainageP 

Unprotected Female {a good deal stunned), Ob, I beg your pardon — I 
do, indeed — I didn't mean to. 

{Jpotopises earnestly for being run against. 

Ssght-hand'But Driver {who Ma* got up from &nng Qardens.) Now 
lhui--«toopid I yah— t^ rushes to the /^, 



^ft hand 'Sue Driver. Now, then— ttoopid I yah I 

[JSke rushes to the right 

Both 'Bus Drivers. Now, then ! yah ! yah ! 

[She gives kerulfup to immediate destruction 

Letter- reading Gentleman {pulling her oh to the little Oasis round the 
laatpposl). Here, you silly woman — one would think you wanted to be 
run over— 

Utiproiecled Fem*tle. Oh, no. I don't, but T can't get across. 

Several Memters qf the Cyoitsing Stfccper Family {whose headquarters 
the Oasis appears to be), Uh. pleftAC, Mum, a penny, Mum ; poor little 
gurl Mum — oh, do, iileaae I 

Unprotected Female, Ob, here's more of those wicked little girls. 
How dare you F (The Family leave her to beset an Omnibus^ and hold a 
friendly chiff with tks Conductor.) Iwonderif 1 Cnii g«t riglit across now K 
{She commences on ci-amiHation at the 9jn,e mometit dou^n Farlvment 
Street, along the Strand, oirosa Trafalgar S<fuare^ and in other directions ) 
I wonder If there's anylhing coming ruund the corner !* Now. I 
think {She makes a step, 

frith Beggar-Woman {with large family). Ah, thin, Marm, darlin', me 
and my poor ohildtbcr ! 

Unprotected Female {pierced trith compass'on). Poor little thinvs I 
And with bare feet, too — pretty dears— Oh, here, poor woman— 1 'II 
give you some bread, if we &(n only ret across. (Irisu Beggak-Wojiak 
proceeds to pass Ofier) Don't— you 'll be run over. 

IPoiniing to a cab several hundred yards off. 

Irish Bcggar-Woman. Ah, thin, Marm, darlin* — come along — sorr* 
the misdiicf they '11 do yt at. all, ar all. 

\_Froceeds to lug UNrEOTECTBD Fbmai.b acrost. 

UttprJecied Female. Oh, but, I 'm sure. {Jtlemptt to return. 

Crossing-Sweeper Family {anxious to join the parly to the bun shop). Ob» 
pleas?. Mum, bit o' bread, Mum, pcor litile gurl. Mum— 

[UNrROTECTED Feualk. gaining the pavement on the other side, very 
much against her will, and Scene closes. 



POKERS AND PANTOMIMES. 




Tax usual oufoiy, 
that thiors are not as 
they usra to be, is 
applied now-a-days to 
evervlhing; and one 
would almost imagine, 
that " As you were, 
is the only word of 
command that pru- 
dence ought to ad* 
dre&s to us. 
Among other lamentations over the past, we are always inundated 
about this time of year, with regrets over the fac^ that Pantomimes 
are not what they iised to be. We must admit that they are not; and 
we particularly miss the red-hot pok^r that once played such a promi- 
nent part in every pantomime. Clown used to produce nearly the 
whole of bis ** effects" with this implement ; and in fact he presided 
over (be whole fun of the evening with a red-hut poker, or, in olher 
wordi, ruled it with a rod of iron. Poor Pantaloon baa the red-hot 
poker continually at his fingers* ends ; and there was not a sc<ne 
throughout the Pantomime in which the poker was not introduced for 
some purpose or other. Sometimes it was brought in, that, a verbal 

t'oke niigbt be made, and that Clown might say, " Come, you want to 
>e stirred up." Or it was required, in order tha^ a beggar might have 
it thrust into bis face, with tlie announcement, *' Here, poor fellow; 
here 'a something warm for you." 

This Poker, which was kept permanently red-hot, never missed fire, 
and we can understand how essential it must have seemed to pantomime 
writers in the days of our forefathers, wliose ideas of wit and humour 
were chiefly oonuned to acts of cruelt/ on the part of Clown towards 
Pantaloon^ or pieces of roguery in which both were concerned, or feats 
of gluttony, such as the swallowing of an unlimited chain of sausageo. 

'The davs are, however, gone, when fun oould be poked at the public 
with a Poker, Pantomune writers have now so many other irons in 
the fire, that red-hot fire-irons have quite gone out, and it is very 
uidikely that they will ever come in agam. 



Hope for the BaU. 

The depression and sinking of so many Lines of Railway is, in great 
measure, attributable to the sleepers: the shareholders, tiU lately, 
having been for the most oart dormant; but they being now fully awake 
to their position, it is to oe hoped that, in consequence of their future 
vigilance, every suukeu Line of Kail wdl be ultimately elevated to its 
proper level. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAiUVARl. 



HOW MR. PUNCH SPENT BOXINQ-NIQHT. 

N many occaniona Mr, Pnnek haa 
lamented tbe space afforded by his 
«rare ooDtemporariea to the consi- 
aeration of thie Drama : baa aa often 
lamented tbe needleu expense which 
a niajestio part of the Press is wont 
to incur in the outlay upon dramatic 
ori^iciam. No sooner does a new 
drama appear, than it is discussed at 
monstrous length in daily and weekly 
coluoms, to the exclusion of thrilting 
accidents and offences, and the ori|^ 
and growth of mighty gooseberries. 
Mr. Funehf on the morning of Box- 
iog-day, resolred to show to bis con- 
temporaries a more compendious way 
of attending to the interests of the 
Drama. When new i)la}houies spring 
up like asparagus, it behoves the 
journalist to be chary of his atten- 
tion; for if he proposes to notice at 
length every work of art — if be rashly 
determines to discuss and analyse the 
pretensions of tvtry actor — he wiU 
snon have no room whatever to chro- 
nicle the mightier events of the time. 
Even a popular Murder will be cast 
into the shade by a new Tragedy; 
and a Mabia. Manning neglected in 
the undue Httention bestowed upon 
merely the Heroine of the Dumestic 
Hearth -stone. 

/'wfffA, therefore, laid a wager, 
R-.Rinst his own pocket, of a supper 
at the Clarendon (a celebrated hos- 
telry for ciiMcisni). that lie would 
alone critici-'e every new piece pre- 
sented at every "pUced" London 
Theatre on Boxing-night. -It was a 
(quarter to seven when he Btrpped 
into his own hackney-cab at 85, Fleet 
Street, drawn for the occasion by 
a horse from the Parnassian Stables 
—a horse now backed by Thalia, 
and now b^ Mklpoueme, in their 
sky-blue riding-habits. The Olympic 
being a bran-new ediGce, with its bloom upon it fresh as Hay hawthorn!*, Funeh drove first thither. 

OiiTUFic. — New theatre : commodious, beautiful : light as fairy-land at mid-day, and cosey and 
convenient as an easy chair after dinner. Maa. Mowatt, the American lily, looking purity- 
breathing odour. Opening address. Tbe fair lady dropping a diamond in one linp, and a pearl to 
rhyme to it in the other. DeliKhlfulty given, retires m a shower of Camellia Japnnica^. Two 
Gents, of Verona gave capital proniise, and every appearance that tbe new pantomime by Lkk 
Nklson— descendant of the imiiiortal Hoiutio — would be a greater blow than IVafalgar. House 
crammed — Gallery so crowded, impcssible for a single housemaid to get a single apple out of 
her pocket. 

DBuaT-LAME.— The boards that Gabkick trod— that Keah (as Richard) died upon. New lessee. 
Spirited undertaking ! Tenderest wishes of the good and gentle wait upon it. House crammed. 
M&. ANDERSOv'a Skjfloek won by of tbe Asylum ot Deaf and Dumb; not a word heard— «nd there- 
fore, it is to be hoped, not a word thrown away. Miss Addison's Portia. Beautiful in fragments 
as tney reached us. Casket-scene magnificent. The Golden Casket, we are informed, from gold 
sent by a distant dramatist, now picking up the be^t materials for a new pUy in California. Row 
in the gallery— too crowded. M». Akdemok offered the malcontents £6 a head and his own 
portrait, t« make room by quittine the building. Indignantly refused. Storm lulled. Pantomime 
began. Work of Kodwxll. the 1860 Magician. fJurlequiH and Good Beu nobly handled. Produced 
in us a melancholy but pbilo*ophic thought. In the >eaT 2000, ano'her Uodwell— if Nature has 
stuff for another—may write Harlequin and Good (or Better) Qeen Victoria. pHUtomime terrilic bit 
— full of points aa a pinonshion. Author called for at oonclusion, and bouquets of mistletoe and 
holly thrown to him f Pressed them to his bosom; and, in the very moment of triumph, prickedl 
hia fingers. I 

Hatmabmt.— Zw/iv. W'oman (why leill woman love in f his desperate manner P) and Ki»o Ren^t ; 
Daughter. Autiience wife awake to the pathos of Mb8. Keak; melt marble, and make cast-iron' 
run. New builesque— 7!ltf Ninth Statue* Evidently a statue of luad-stone; made to draw. Full 
of hitsaa a prize-Bght. Authors called for. The Gemini BnpuoH appear in fall Court dressee 
and are greeted with rounds of appUuiae, and— in recognition of the season — two plum dumplings. 
Authors bow and exeunt, picking out plums. 

•pBiNCESs'a.— B.eader, bast thou, ever seen Venice? Hast thou ever aeen VeNiee Pretervedf 
Hast thou ever gazed unon the Lion of St. Mark F Hast- thou ^ra mused upon the pigeons that 
flutter about his edifice r Harit thou ever marked a gpndolaF Hast thou ever stood upon the 
Itialto P BedauM, whether thou hast or not, it ja no matieir, aince thou hast aeen, or very probably 
wilt see a pantomime, which thing originated in Venice, ua vhioh matter briw iu to the panto- 




mime of King Jamie, produced at thu 
theatre.* Zi'iy /asiM (also by BoDVXii^ 

•Tnll of jtaffu HbrUuid plaid, 
And jntt u niU of c 



but stuff of wonderful web. and cros*«s 
enlarging into circles of delight. Tho 
panioniime was more successful than any 
future pantomime ever cm be. ' Nerer- 
tfaelesR, as revering our institutiinis ; as 
defending Magna Charta, the Right of 
Succession, the Income Tax, and all the 
other Palladiums of tmce Menr EoglaDd 
(when Traitor Pxel was yet in the future) 
— we must protest against this irrererent 
usage of our kings and Qucfiiu. Let the 
Gbambsrlain look to it. Therevdulionist 
—foiled at Kennington Commoit—lurkt 
in the theatre. _ The Chartist deprired 
of his pike, seizes his iron pen. He 
cannot overturn our institutions, so he 
knocks down the royaltv of historv as 
Clown and Pantaloon, and — but we hope 
we have said enough to alarm the weasel 
vigilance of Load Brbadalbaitx, who, 
as a Scotchman and a Lord ChambieTUiD, 
must be particularly sensitive to the sub- 
ject, of 'he pant.omintP^ King Jame^ or 
Harlequin and the Magie Fiadie. It is, 
however, but bare justice to Mk. Maj>- 
DOx, the proof-spiritfd proprietor, to 
state that the piece is got up reckless 
of all expense. Kven the fiddle has all 
its strings-. The outlay upon catgut must 
have been tremendous. 

Lyceum.— JWtf Island <f Jetctls—yiisL 
Plancii£*s "entirt-ly new and original" 
work — is the Serpentine Vert of the 
Countess D'Avois. StiU, under the 
reviving hand of the adapter, jSerjOM/ifftf 
Vfft b^comes an Invisilile Greeu Prince 
—just as, in Holywell Street, an Invi- 
sible Green Coat is made " belt* r m 
new." Need we say that the hiand if 
Jeice't is gorgeous? With such a look 
of reality that the paste would not.be 
delected even by the Keeper of the 
Crown Jewels P All the actors did more 
than they could to ensure a success that 
was inevitable even before the curtain 
ro^e. As for Maj>asi£ Vestbis, it is 
plain that 

** 8he on honey-dnw hsi fM, 
And. dronlc tbe milk of Pandlae.* 

She looks more blooming than ever, and 
warbles like the nightingale, not to be 
"trod down" by "hungry generations." 
The author was called fur when the piece 
concluded, and retired amidst a shower 
of kid gloves— Paris made. 

kTXW^xni.—Frunken»tein is here made 
killinglv droll. The Model Man of Hbu 
Paul Bkd?o&d might be improved if 
be could only conquer a besetting timi- 
dity that ever seeins to check his gushing 
humour. Why will he not surrender his 
genius to the gallery P Why. as the poet 
says, will he dwell in inevitable decen- 
cies^' for everP What a rich humourist 
he might be, but tlien he is so modest. 
Wkxoht's -AvwitfiMMi is wondrous. 8U 
children in arms were taken from the pit 
to the nearest apothecary's, in convul- 
sions of laughter. In common with thou- 
sanus of WftiOHT't friends, we await the 
result; but we much fear a verdict of 
" unconscious infanticide." 

Stkavd. — /)i)iyMM and hie tanUm, 
Like a red hemng ; full of salt, with a 



* Mr. Aim* btM vlfh Ui caiiaman pnUhr, 

U i^^not to ba tili ■■ f m tmmi m tt<f«t tilS 
woikcaBoKlBC.Ml^t . 



u. 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CUARIVARL 



wdl-iifveloped tale. A Diglitly reliBU for miliions. Mas. SriELUiO u 
Minena. An owl ibal miJcM night lotely. 

Madamu Tumaud.— Tliift ia**ruciive establishment is not to be 
Otcrlookod. J'uneh, in common with his daily oontemporariea, treaU 
the place with bis bett deference, and on boxiDgiUKbt visited it 
accordingly. The Chantber of Horrors was tastefiJly accoratMi with 
boily and the bami played a new couiposirioo, " 7'ke Bermomis^ Folka" 
which spenied lo impart & tbrilliiig saliafiicMoQ to the audience. Let 
111 not omiL to flUiQ thai Ma[mȣ T., niih ber customary ta^tr, had 
caused a larse buncb of miftttetne lo br: stispcndnl over the tiguro of 
Mahu Mavkiko, with permission — price id. extra— to any of the 
company to salute the waxen individual, a pennisaiun that wasglndly 
purcbased by numerous spectaturs. 

Soma of Ihe Eastern ThcAtres. and the Surrey Houses, Funek-^it 
confesses it — did not visit; but be understood, on lbo best auihority, 
that (bey were all orowdt'd. The Victoria, for instance, was so ctHuiuiPil, 
Ibat the proiirietor had lo provide beds out of the bouse for those mUo 
would not, aurmtf the domestic drama, ale«p upon the preujiscs. 



LBGAL LOVE-LETTERS. 
"Ma. PuNCff. 

" The Ijaw m regard lo 'Breach of Promise of Marriage' 
baa long been in an unsalisfaotory state. Allow me, through your 
columns, (o give I be LepisUture a nint on this subject. Let no pro- 
missory note, or other writ ing, engaging the subsoriW to rnarr^l be party 
therein aadrcssed or spcciHed, be considered valid or binding unless 
fctam(>ed The amount of ihe 9tan>p should be proportionate to tiiat of 
the income-tax paid by the writer, to prevent the abuae of cheap 
B'amps by the unprincipled rich. Let my proposal be adopted, and 
the consequences will be:— L The most unsuspectlnw fcmtile will put 
no trust m a btlUldoux which is not stamned. S. Ihe expense 
attending fnlae pn misca of tnarringe will (iiscourogc those base 
atteotptiB nt deception. 3. Mania^es will become genenilly more 
rational, beontise mm will ihink twice before signing an engagement 
wh'ch Mill nt any rnte cost them a stwnp. 4. Ilie stamp^uty on 
marriage -promi-es will Ik a source of revenue to Government, atul of 
income to your humble Servant, 

" A SouciToa AiiD DisT&ifiutoB OF SraMM." 



fTHE FARMER'S STORY. 




FOWL IS FARE AND F.^RE IS FOWL. 

Enolaxd ia at this mouieut undergoing a glut of pouliry, for every 
description of fowl, from the guinea to the cightecnpenny, is being 
brought over in spite of foul winds from Ihe Continent. Such has 
bfcn (be arrival of turkeys, that the markets appeared to have a great 
Turkey carpet laid down over th*m. 

The arrival of chickens has beensomethiug so extraordinary as lo 
cause a ghit, which has Ird to an awlul panic, and tlie dealers have 
become so chicken-liearied as to be afraid to specula'e We, however, 
hope the consumption will be quite equal to the supply, and that no 
fowl wiU be left on the hands of the lair dealers. 



TUE FINEST COLUMN IN THE WOULD. 

Bbjtannu is a great deal happier in her heroes than she is in her 
attempts to perpctuaie tlieir memory. It is fortunate that the actions 
of her great men sufHce for their own monuments. Those which she 
erects lo (hem do nothing for llieir fame except to associate it with 
soraething ludicrous, All that can be said to account for this is, that 
there is a st^ne-ntasonry in Brilifih Art. Jl were better, henceforth, to 
give an aUogether new form to these testimonials. Let them no longer 
consist of sculp'ural and architectural monstrosities^ but c/ist them, in 
every instance, in the sh^w of a column, to be provided by the largest 
amount of tiubscription obtainable : and that the memorial may be ms 
Ittsting^ and at the same time as magnilicent as possible, let the column 
set up in honour of the soldier— the statesman— the poet— be a column 

®^ ^"'*^*' ========= 

QuDpowder Honours. 

We condole with the Dejchess op KE^T, the victim of noise. She 
takes boat at O^Home, ami aleanis into Portsmouth, nhen "Her 
IIajeett's ship Viciorp^nii thi* garrifton battery lire royal salutca!" 
Near, without waiting to calcnla e the Talue of the powder — the price 
of 10 many wheaten loaves blovn irom the ounona mouth, to split 
ihe ears of the Uuchefts — we may a<ic, is it not a monster folly that an 
elderly gen'lewoman cannot gd to and fro to pay a visit to her children 
and rrandoliihlren without betrg thus rudelv and expensively saluted 
by the "adamantine lips" of 4^ pounders? We think all powder 
wait«d upon a Ikdy— pearl powder, of oourae, excepted. 



TifB Farmer's storr ptu €SMlieiu$, is the upper story of No. 17, 
Bond Street, where the Proteciouists liave got, rather a large rocra, 
with rather a small company. Protection ha% for »Qme time occuptea 
what in Kugland we term a floor, and the Scotch coll a flat — the Luttr 
designation being in this rose the mnrc appropriate. 

We bilicve a ruined faimer la always on ibe uremi^es to recciva 
people who come to be mehincboly over the fa'o ot Agriculture : nnd, 
as there a^e other lodgers in tlir bouse. w«« think it votild be only fair 
to have " Pull the tup brll for Protection," irscribed on the door-post. 
We suspect that the Bri^'sh Ckiies mu»t be a very bras-^nf^ced crea- 
ture, or she would never cry out to be ijlac<sl again under Protection ; 
which, if it did not ruin Ikt in ntean«(, most certainly dc^troyrd her 
^arncler. Wc canno* help seeing, ut-TertheIc»*, tlut she Is r>etter off, 
as well as more respectable, without the protrction to which she 
fooliihty wishes lo return ; for wlir-n an allirincc with Agiicultiire is in 
the Market, where there is a farm for fair, the competition is quite 
hrge enough to show that the connection is not considered by any 
means riiinous. 

Looking on the two pictures onr artist has here dravn. it is dilTioatt 
to reconcile on^ with the other: for while taking a farm iioems to be 
the object of the nio^t eager desire, to be a farmer would appear to 
be certain bankraptoy, despair, and ruin. 




Reduced OircoxnatAnces, 

We have seen some very gratifying accounts of the reduction of 
rents by varions landlords, but if there is any actual merit in receiving 
a reducrd rent, wr (hmk there is not a more meritorious person in tku 
rcsprct than Mr. O'Conxell. He has been lately taking such a very 
reduced rent, ihat it will amount to a iw/«<:/to o4 alMifdiim, if it goes 
on n>uch longer in the eame direction, and at his weekly audits be will 
at las' have to say, " Thank you for nothing," to his audifora. £ver7 
rent-day exhibits s'lme diminution in the receipts, and it ia to be «K- 
pected that before long the sub«<cribprs will not only lake off aomaUuDf 
from the rent, but will take themselves off altogether. 



10 



PUNCH, OB THE LONDON CUAIUYARL 



AN IDEA FOR A NEW BALLET. 



/DliCX f^ 
fj' OFF 




SoxcBOlfT tone tijD« afo ofercd Kate frciteLioLs icm for ascv 
|4MSure, m the ttmmitm boMttm to whicb be Mpired, and we are aniethat 
the nuuiager of Her Majeat/'i Theatre would be Moall/ liberal in hit 
ol&r for a new idt% for a ballet. The elements nave already been 
esJiMuted : Water has been dried up in Ondiw, Fire has been bomt 
oat in Mma, Karth has been fully occupied as a ground-work, until 
there is not an inch left of which a ballet-master can take a building 
lease for the eosstruotion of his plot, and when be asks. " Where" be 
can Uy bis foundations f Echo answers, " Nowhere ! " In this dilemma 
commerce seems still to present an opening to the imagination, and the 
Linendrapery bosineaB offers the most appropriate field, for it admiU of 
the introaDCtiott of an unlimited number of danteu9€$ and a variety of 



The subject will at once snaattkefM «r 
propfietor. and the pat defaaeiamiiom by the •nma*' 
niac scrolla, which, while embrsmff all the homn 
ng STSteni, lore on to their own loss the crowd i 



pat of erety character. 

with their aemoniac acn^ which, while embrtciBff all the homn ol 
the cheap ticketing system, lore on to their own loss the crowd oi 
female purchasers. It might be too painful to introduce amamr the 
JiffuranUt tbe half starred work-people, whose iU-paid labow" eoBstitidea 
in reality the Kuinous Sacrifice inscribed on tbe placards, tat u tha 
reality were not too shocking, a $rand pa* det ricitma wocdd be an 
" eifeotiye " novelty. The theme, if diosen for a ballet, might pm^ 
bring under the notice of the aristocratic female ftequenters of the OP^ 
Ihe horrors entaUed by the cheap Alanning Failure System, and wi*k 
this hope alone the experiment would be well worth a tnaL 



TJJK JMITCIIKR. 



Tub poet, in an idle dream 

Lull'd by the sound of fancy's f,'.^ng, 
Souxht in his visions for a theme 

Whereon to found a simple song. 
Upon his ear there chancea to full 

A slirill, and old familiar cry : 
The Butcher at his market stall, 

Was shouting, "What d'youbuy, buy, buj >*' 

As quick as the electrio spark 

Uuns o'er the telegraphic wires, 
Th«« poet's mind no lon^r dark. 

Biased with imagination's fires ; 
The Butcher 1 'Twas a happy thought : 

It seem'd a subject to supplr. 
'Ti« often thus— mere chance Las brought 

What Ubour ne'er could buy, bay, buy. 

The Butdier. u he walks along. 

Looks with an anxious eye about ; 
Conscience accuses him of wrong, 

He knows the world has found him out. 
Stern retribution comes ai last ; 

The trembling Butcher heavei a sigh. 
And to the prices of the past, 

He soba ft sad " Good bye, bye, b;e/' 

No more the Butcher gaily drops 

His customer a imile and bow ; 
Thnre's such a fearful fall in chops, 

The Butcher 's quite ohap-fidlen now. 



In every joint a shock he feels. 
His shoulders are no longer high ; 

Upon his legs a weakness steaK 
They '11 fall much lower by-and-bje. 

Sonie would-be stoics of the craft, 

Fliilosophers of block and steel, 
Haye at the outcry wUdly laugh'd 

And scorn at lower price to deal. 
Of '* stiokings " and of bone they prate. 

To lay aHloep suspicious eye ; 
We '11 '" si ick ^* to them at any rale. 

Before we go to by— by, buy. 

How cowardioe and guilt and shame 

Leap to perdition 'ere tbev bok ! 
Thft Butcher thus augments his blame. 

By inculpation of the cook. 
Of (feoenoy how blunt the sense. 

When to a charge the sole reply 
Is owning to a fresh offence, 

We had not thought of by-the bye. 

Oblivion's gulf shall open wide ; 

An overflow from Lethe's tanks 
Under a deep obscure shall hide 

Our Butcher's bng ftrrear of pranks. 
Fair prices let him cHarge alone. 

From him we Ml take our whole supply ; 
Avoiding but contention's bone 

In every joint we buy, buy, boy. 



Ktcratlon of Fair and Fowl. 

Tmi suMrabondanoe of those dear creatures, of whom it is hard to 
oonoeive that there ooukl be too many, namely, our female population, 
being discussed at a modeimte tea<party, a mud wag present predictea 
that there would bo a migration of the Ducks. Wocreupon another 
WBK of a bitterer tun, remained that it would be better u there wen 
a mlfraUon of the ' 



The Buke of Xarlborongh'a Example. 

Thb Great Dtru or Mablboiovoh, throng the Putt, AddreaMt 
Sd>nit HxaBKaT on his Emigration Soheme. To the which, he, the 
mighty Duke, " deoUnee to lend the influence of his example." Fcom hu 
Qraoe^B anteoedenU, nobody could have expected hm, to^ N»thiiw ; 
but it is a iitUe oh)ee, even for a ICaaLBoioiTaB^ refua to ".tad'^a 
matter of each inooBoeiTable ■msllncw aa hie Qnmri 




I 

I 



I 



I 



OB THE TflLlBUtATIOKS 0» A GBNTLEUA>I IN SBARCU OP A MAN REttVAKT. 

BPORE my wife's dear mother. Mrs. Captaxu Bdoob, 
c«itie to live with ns, — whiclk sbn did on occasion of 
the birth of our darling third child, Albkbt, named 
in conipUment to a Gracious Pi incp. and now Mvcn- 
aod-a-bulf years of age — our eetablislinient waa in 
ratiirr wiiat you call a small way, and we only had 
female servants in our kitchen. 
I liked them, I own. I like to be waited on hy a 
neat-handed PniLua of a parlour-maid, ina nice-tiMioR gown, and a pink 
ribbon to her cap : and I do not care to deny that 1 liked to have my par- 
lour-maidagood looking. Notfor any reaaon h\ich&3j>tiIoujy miohisuffgeH 
— such reasons I scorn; bu'.ae, for a continuance and for a lianijlesa recre- 
ation and enjoyment. I would much rather look out on a preltv view of 
green fields and a shining river, from my drawing-room window, than 
upon a blauk wall, or an oU-clolheiircan's shop: bo I am free to 
confess I would choosfi for preference a brisk, rosy, good-natured, 
smiling lass, 'oimtmy dinn-r and tea before me onthelaDle, ratlierthan 
a crooked, blact-TiiuMled fnmp^ with a dirty cap and bhick hands. I 
»ay I Idle to have nice-looking iicoplc about nie ; and when 1 used to 
chuck my Anna Mabu under ihc chin, and aay thai was one of the 
reasons for which 1 niiirrird her, I warrant you Mlis. H. was not 
offended; and so she let nie have my harmless way about the parlour* 
maids. Sir, the only way in which we lost our girU iu our early days, 
was by marriage. One married the baker, aod gives my bov, Ai.bkrt, 
gingerbread, whenever he ijusaes her shop: one became tnc wife of 
PoUeeroan i, who dia'inguiflhcd himself by having his nose broken in 
the Chartist riots: and a third is almost a lady, keeping heroue-hoiBe 
carriage, and being wife to a carpenter nnd builder. 

Well. MiS. Captain Budge, Mbs. II.'s mother, or " Mamma," as 
she insists that 1 shoidd call her, and I do so, for it pleases her worm 
and affectionate nature, came to stop for a few weeks, on the occasion 
of our darling Albbut's birth, ohhq domini 1312 ; and the ciiHd and its 
mother being delicate, Mrs. Captain B. staid to nutse them both, 
and so has remained with us, occupying the room which used to be nty 
study and drrssing-room ever sinre. When she came to us, wo may 
be said to have moved ii a humb'e sphere, viz., in Bernard Street, 
Foundling Hospital, which we left four years ago, for our presen*. 
residence. Stucco Gardens, Pocklington Square. And up to the period 
of Mns. Captain B.'h arrifal, wo were^ as 1 say, waited upon in the 
parlour bv maids, the rough below-ataira* work, of knife and shoc- 
dcaning, heing done by Gecndsell, our greengrocer's third son. 

But, Ihuugh Ileaven forbid that I should say a word against my 
mother-in-law, who has a handsome sum to leave, and vho is besides a 
woman all self-denial, with her etery ihovgkt for our good : yet, I think 
tbst. without Mamma, my wife would not have had those tantrums, may 
I call them of jealousy, which she never exhibited previously, and which 
she certainly began to show very soon after our dear kltle scapegrace 
of an Albekt was born. We had at that lime, I remember, a parlour 
servant, called Emma Buck, who came to ua from the country, from 
a Doctor of Divinity's family, and who pleased my wife very well at 
firsf, as indeed she did all in her power to please her. But on the very 
day Anna Mahia came down stairs to the drawing-room, being 
brought down in tliese very arm% which 1 swear brlouf; to as faithful 
a husband as any in the City of London, and Emma bringing uo her 
little bit of dinner on a tray, I observed Ann\ Makia's eyes look un- 
common ravage at the poor girl, Mna. Captain B- looking away the 
whole time, on to whose neck my wife plunged herself as soon as the 
girl had left the room; bursling out into tears, and calUog somebody 
A viper. 

"Hullo 1 " savs I, " my beloved, what is the matter ? Where 's the 
viper? I didn't know there were any in Bernard Street," (for I thought 
she might he nervous st bl, and wished to turn off the thing, whatever it 
mijrht be, with a pleasantry). " Who is the seruent P " 

— That— that woman," gurgles out Mrs. H., sobbing on Mamma's 
shoulder, and Mbs. Captain B. scowling sadly at me over her daughter. 
"What, KmmaP" I Oikcd, in astonishment; for the girl had been 
uncommonly attentive to her mistress, making her gruels and thing!*, 
and sitting up with her, besides tending my eldest daughter, Emily, 
tlirough the scarlet fever. 

*' Ehka I don't say Euma in that cruel audacious way, Mabkaduus 
— Mb. Ho— o — obbon," says my wife, (for such are my two names as 
iven me by my godfathers and my fathers). "You call the creature by 
er christian name before mv very face I " 

"Oh, HoBsoN, Hobsoh!'' says Mb5. Captain B.,waggir.g her head. 
" Confound it " — (" Don't swear," says Mamma) — '* Confound it, my 
love," says I, stamping my foot, "you wouldn't have me call the girl 
BuCL. Buck, as if she was a rabbit? She's the best girl that ever 
was: she nursed EMiLTthro\igh the fever; she has been attentive to 
you : she is always up when you want her—" 

" Yes ; and when jfou-iM-oo come horns from ike club, MAiuLLDtTKe." 
my wife shrieks out, and falli again on Munma's shoulder, who looks me 



r: 



in the face and nodi her head fit to drive me m^. I oome home from 
the club, indeed ! Wasn't I forbidden to see Avva Ma&u ? Waant 
I turned away a hundred times from my wife's door by Mamma 
herself, and could 1 &it alone in the dining-room, (for my eldest two. a 
boy and girl, were at school,)— alone in the dming-room, where /m/ 
very Emka would have had to wait upon me I 

Not one morsel of chicken would Anna Maria eat. (She said she 
dared to say that woman would poison the egg-sauce.) She had hys- 
terical laughter and tears, and was in a highly nervous state, a state as 
dangerous for the mother as for Ibe darling baby Mifl, Captaim B. 
remarked justtr ; and I was of course a good deal alarmed, and sent, or 
rather went off. for BoKEii, oirr medical man. Boker saw hia interest- 
ing patient, said that her nerves were highly excited, that she must at all 
socnlices be kept quiet, and corroborated Mrs Caitain B.'s opinion in 
every particular. As we walked down stairs I guve hiui a hint of what 
was the niatter, at the same time requesting him to step into the book- 
parlour, and there see me take an affidavit that I was as iimocent as the 
htessed baby just bora, and named but three days before after his Koyal 
Highness the Prince. 

"1 know, I know my good fellow," says Bokeb. iwking me in the 
side, (lor he has a good deal of fun,) " that you are innocent. Of course 
you arc innocent. Evrr>l)ody is, you sly dog. But what of thai. ? The 
two women have taken it into their heads to be jr nlousof your maid — tod 
an uncommonly prelt v girl she is too, HoBsON, you sly rogue, vou. And 
were she a Vestal Virgin, the girl must go if you waul to Lave any 
peace in the house * if you want your wife and the little one to thrive 
—if you want to nave a quiet house and family. And if you do," 
»ay8 BoK£R, looking me in the face hard, "though it is against my 
own interest, will you let me give you a bit of advice, old boy ? " 

We had been bred up at Merchant Tailors* together, and had Hoked 
each otlier often and olten, so of course 1 let him speak. 

" Well then," says he, " Uou, my boy. get rid of the old dragon— 
the old Mother-in-law. She meddles with my t>re8Ciiplions for your 
wife; she doctors the infant in private: you Ml never have a quiet 
bouse or a tiuiet wife as long as that old Catamaran is here." 

" Boxer, ' says I. " Mrs. Captain Bcdge is a lady who must not 
at leost in mv house be called a Catamaran. She hss seven thousand 
pounds in toe funds, and always says Anna Maria is her favourite 
I daughter" And so we parted, not on the best of terms, for I did not 
' like Mamma to be spoken of disrcfipectfulty by any man. 
{ What was the upshot of this? When Mamma heard from Amna 
I Maria (who weakly told her what I had let slip laughing, and in con- 
fidence to my wife) that Boker had called her a Catamaran, of course 
1 she went up to pack her trunks, and of course we apologised, and took 
I another medical man. And as for Emsia Buck, there was nothing for 
lit but that she poor girl, should go to the right about; my little 
: Emiiy. then a child of ten years of age, crying bitterly at jiariing with 
I her. The child very nearly got me into a second scrape, for I gave her 
a sovereign to give to Emaia, and she told her Orandmamma; who 
would have related all to An>'a Maiua. but that L went down on my 
knees, and begfred her not. But she haa me in her power after that^ 
and made me wince when she would say, " Markaduke, have you aajr 
sovereigns to give away ? " &o. 

After Emma Buck came Mary Blackmore, whose name I remember 
because AIrs. Captain B. called her Mart Blackyuorb (and a dark, 
swarthy girl ahe was, not at all good-looking in wp eyes). This poor 
Mary Blacuiorb was sent about her business because she looked 
sweet on the twopenny postman. Mamma said. And she knew, no 
doubt, for (my wife beinc; down stairs again long since) 2iAs. fi. saw 
everything thst was passing at the door, as she regularly sate in the 
parlour window. 

After Blackhobe, came another girl of Mrs. B.'s own choosing: 
own rearing I may say, for she was named Barbara, after Mammi^ 
being a soldier's daughter, and coming from Fortsea, where the 
late Captain Budge was quartered, in command of his oompanv of 
Marines. Of this girl Mrs. B. would ask questions out of the Calechum 
at breakfast, and my scapegrace of a ToK would burbt out laughing at 
her blundering ans vent. But from a demurs country Uss, as she was when 
she came to us, 3tli&s Barbara very quickly became a dressy impudent- 
looking thing; coquetting with the grocer's and butcher's boys, and 
wearing silk-gowns and ilowera in her bonnet when she went to church 
I on Sunday evenings, and actually appearing one day with her hair in 
bauds, and the next day in ringlets. Of course she was setting her cap at 
^ me. Mamma said, as I was the only gentleman in the house, though for 
, my part 1 declare 1 never saw the set of her cap at all, or knew if her 
I hair was straight or curly. So, in a word, Bailbara was sent back to 
her mother, and Mrs. Budoe didn't fail to ask lue whether I bad not 
a sovereign to give her ? 

I After this girl we had two or three more maids, whose appearance or 
history is not necessary to particularise — the Utter was uninteresting, 
I let it suffice to say ; the former grew worse and worse. I nevt-r saw 
' BQch a woman as Gbuzel Scrikgeocr, from Berwick-upon-Tweed, 
I who was the las^. that waited on us, and who was enough. 1 declare, to 
curdle the very milk in the jag as she put it down to breakfast. 
1 At hub the real aim of my two conspirators of women came oat. 



I 



j^^ik 



J 



12 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



"Mauushkx," Mbs. Gaptaiv B. said to me one monung, tfter this 
^■'■'■^ bad lirouslit me ul oiuoaj knife to cut the bread ; " women- 
atramu are tr7 vcU in their wajr, but there ia always something 
4iHVtn«ifalr vi'Ji them, aniL in families of a certain rank, a num-serrant 
«aniiKA|y v»iu at table. It is proper : it is decent that it should be so 
in tfaf m-pec able classes : and m are of those classes. In CAFTAni 
£n»fiK's Oicinie ve vrre nerer without oar groom, and our tea-boy. 
Mj dcsr father had his butler and coachman, as our family has had ever 
ihe eonquest ; and though you are certainly in business, as your 
>ur relations are respectable : your grand- 
rman in the west of England; you have 



bsher was before ^ou. yet your relations are respectable : your grand- 
father was a dinufied clergyman in the west of England; rouhave 
eoBnecTions both in the army and narv, who are members of Clubs, and 
known in the fashionable world ; ana, (though I nerer shall speak to 
that man again,) remember that your wife's sister is married to a 
barrister, who lives in Oxford Square, and goes the Western Circuit. 
Bt keeps a man-servanf. 2%^ keep men-serrants, and I do not like to 
see m/ poor Anka Mahu occupying an inferior position in society to 
her sister F&£D£fiicj|, named after the Duk2 or Yosk. though sbe 
was, when His Koysl Highness reviewed the Marines at Chatham; and 
seeing some empty bottles carried from the table, said " 

"In mercy's name," eays I, bursting out, for when she came to this 
story Mamma used to drive me frantic, " have a man, if you like. Ma'am, 
and inwe me a Uttle peatcc." 

" lou needn't swear, Mb. Hobsov," she replied with a toss of her 
bead ; and when 1 went to business that day it was decided by the 
that our livery should be set np. 



A 8MASH AMONG THE PROTECTIONISTS. 

The Protectionisms are everywhere meeting, but they are nowhere 
meeting with the sucoe^s or s;;mpathy they desire. In seversJ instances 
the accounts of their gatherings are beaded with the ominous words 
" Protectionist Failurpf and in many cases the reports of their sprecbes 
are seasoned with interpolations, far more " spicy than complimentary. 
At Sidifibury, tlie other day, the first cry that assailed the ears of the 

Setters up of the "Protectionist" meeting was, "Three cheers for 
lUL EoBEBT Peel ! " and the chairman. Loud Nelson, took his place 
amidst ** much confusion and riot." His Speech was interspersed with 
allusions to the price of corn, which were met witli volleys of "chaff" 
from his auditors, and his eloquencf, as (he report tells us, was cut 
short by about "twenty fights taking place umultaneomly " in all 
parts of the building. 

The next speaker was a Mb. R. P. Long, whose oration was pnnc- 
tuated. or rather brought to a series of stops, by cries of " Murder !" 
and " Police 1'* which mav be compared to to many commas, semicolons, 
and colons, with which his harangue was dotted, until it wound up 
with a crash of window?, and a volley of stones and groans, which put 
a full stop and furnished a note of exclamation to his discourse. 

We are disposed, nevertheless, to iJatroniae the Protectionist Dinners, 
for two reasons ; first, because t he failure of the business part of the 
affair will in time convince the parlies of the weakness of their cause ; 
and secondly, because good cheer is of itself a good thmg : and, in the 
case of the Irish farmers especially, the banquets may relieve some of 
them from that "lean and hungry look" which has so long disfigured 
them. 




THS CATSBFILIiAB AlfD THE BUTTEEFLT, 

(A Y^OA) 

ToiK caterpillan, when one of their number, hAving been bid up m a 
chiysalis. arose as a butterfly, leaving bis case behind him, used foiv 
merly to gather np the exuviA, and deposit them in the earth vltb a 
prodigions deal of ostentation and pageantry. At length, howfir, 
once upon a time,* one of the caterpillars climbed up a rosD>tree into 
the light of the Sun, when a batterfly that he had known in the 
creeping state came to sip honey from the roses. The oataipilhr 
related to the butterfly with what splendour and msgnifioenee tha 
chrysalis shell, which he had left behmd him, had been Interted* 
Whereupon the butterfly, smiling, answered that he dared say that the 
caterpillars meant well by what they had done, but that the honoon 
that had been paid bis old case had given no satisfaction to him, for, 
being now a butterfly, he eared no longer for the mere covering he had 
lived in, and regarded it as nothing but a worn-out, cast-off suit. So, 
after this, the caterpiUars put the chrysalis-cases into the earth without 
parade or unnecessary ceremony. 

The spirit that ascends has no concern with the senseless relics which 
it leaves below. Cease to accompany funerals with absurd and expensive 
mummery. 



« OUR WASHERWOMAN." 

[We have received more letters, comphdnlng of Washerwoman's 
destructiveness to linen in one week, than Joseph Adt writes in a 
mon h. We subjoin a few specimens of these communications, snd 
would publish more, but that we have too many irons in the fire to be 
able to devote more than a few lines to washing-] 

" Punch, ut Brick ! 

** I'tf precious glad you've given a wipe to the washerwomen 
for usinnr bleachmg stuff. I speak feeiiDgly, as a sufferer by it. Bought 
the other day half-a-dozen bailet-girl euiris; regular stunners, spi^, 

Erime. When they canie back, first time, from the wash, they all tore 
ke tinder, and every blessed aatuetue had dis^peared, as also bad the 
distinguished and illustrious name of *( Cutaiono." 

" Dbae Mb. Punch, 

*' Albeast have Williax and I. though scarcely a month 
united, begun to experience the cares of life. The washerwoman has 
just sent home all our new linen, but oh ! in such a state. It crumbles 
to pieces almost with a touc'i. We must replace tlie whole of it: and 
as our means are slender, I must go without the new bonnet. I know 
our things have all been mined by that bleaching powder. Oh ! those 
horrid old washerwomen. I am almost wicked enough to wish them 
boiled in their own coppers, and in the meantime I hope you will go 
on roasting them till they discontinue the tricks which have destroyed 
the linen, and embittered the happiness shared with an idFeclionate, 
though almost shirtless husband, by « Coluhba Tubtls " 



" To TUB Editoe op Pukch,— Sib, 

" Feom lime immemorial, until recently, we were employed 
exclusively — except an occasional recourse to Pearjash — by wssher- 
wotiitn. Linen and woollen fabrics were thoroughly cleansed by us 
wii bout b^ing injured in the least. We are now almost beaten out of 
the Tub by a compound of iniquity, which imparts whiteness with a 
fa^a] fadlit.y, but in an equal ratio effects destmotioiL We are willing 
that this p«Tniciou8 agent should be resorted to in the case of those 
wbo mtanly dsbble in slops; but for all who bu^fair linen we claim 
th« benefit of our honest serrioes in our conjoint capacity of suds. 

" Your servants to command, 

" Soap and Watbe." 



VBAPPft A LA OLACB. 

SoTBB describes his accident in Bt. James's Park as an "en<rie^-9k 
remore— and then for dessert, une petite 90rre ^mtu-devie," 



Uisa Fauumm. Fattsmbs vrw paortcrioiiWT Dimisas. 



Thb Bbot TiDores.— The High Tide did not overflow the litakB of 
the Thames, aa raedieted, and we todk npon tiib M Mat tiw beit 
TidingB. 




PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



.3- 



CHIT-CHAT BY TELEGRAPH. 

XT UB expreii thv greAt delight with which 
we learn tliat "therigh! to eaUbliib im 
elect rio telecrapb lioe bctweeo Fruce 
and EdgUna, bj a tiiib-niariae oommuni- 
catiou across the Channel," has been olH- 
cially conceded. Hy the aid of a Biofcle 
wire, and of two peraons only — one in 
France and one in Enttland — a mes«aa;« of 
fifteen words, including address and feigna- 
ture, may be delivered in one minute! 
»Th*-»e wires will, of course, communicate, 
Wrt South Eastern and BouioKne railwaj"!, 
witheith rcApitai: thu<t Ijonnon and Paris 
maj-. when they will, Ro^ip with one 
another. The amenities nroduced between 
the two coiintne?, bv Inis prac'ioe, must 
be of tbr most rapia growth and of ihe 
widest influence. Let us give a few ex- 
amples of the probable questions and answers put and answered by 
pames, high and low, of both kin^rioiKS :— 

S(. Jamcif to tka Sf^'e. 
Q How d' ye do? Review or shoot this morning P 
J Neither : got to ba bothered with Nokma.hbt. Complimenta to 

Foreigti Affairs to rort^gn Jffmrt, 

What says Tlnsiia F 

Mtizzled. 

AuBiria? 

Mum. 
Q. Any arrival from Turkey ? , . ^ « .j 

A. Yes: magnificent chibonquc, and Oircastian ibawl for Prwident. 
Q We reduce our amiy cstiiuAtrs 10,000. Ei pom f 
A. Win think of it. 

W^9 in London to UuMband in Paru, 
Q. Smith— I any. Smrn. Isn't this shameful — abominable — 
idted— 

A. My life, what is tbo matter? 

Q. Oh, it 's just like you men. Been gone ten days, and you said— 
A. My ilear, hus'neBB. Do you think anything but bus'ness could— 
Q. DouV, talk f.o me ! I wonder you can show your face— I— 
A. Now, \\i)' lore — 

Q r>ouH " love " me, and the clerk here lauyliing— 
A. Well, woman, what do you want ? This 15 the last I Ml listen to. 

S. Woman, indeed ! Want— well, 1 w»nt— but you know what, I want. 
Hi>w CAB I tell » Now, this is the last 'ime. 

Q, I want to know where 's the key of t he money-box ; here yon 've 
gont! and left me — 

A. In my desk— spring-drawer— right. Don't be extravagant, 

Q. Extravagant ! Here, you oau go and spetnd— now, SirtTH — my 
love — 

A. Well : this is the list. 

Q, Mind you 're not c^ieated, darling; Lake care that the laoe is real 
VrJpncirnnes. 

A, All riKht. 

Q. Make haste home. I blow you— you know what. 

Tail r in London to Ikbtor in Parii. 

Q. You call yourwlf a gentleman? 

A. Certainly. Gmtlrnmn at large. Ha! ha! 

Q. And I dare sav, sou think you've done meP 

A. Hope so. England expects every man to do Ms tailor. 

Q. One word, do you ever intend to pay me ? 

J. . (A line, hnt no answer.) 

Lumber Trooper to a National Gnard. 
Q. I aay, old chap, wbon are you coming over P 
A. In de spring. 
Q. Bring III ' old woman and the young una? 

Q. Th4t*» all riuht— won't we be joUy P 

A. Wc shall. Adi^u, Oon enfttiit. Srmtnirt a madame. riee roai bif 
ti botelporethr f 

ERgtiah Dramatist to Cot^denttat Corrospondmt. 

Q How has I he pifCc gone ? 

A, Made quite nftiratr, 

Q Do for us ? Anythiag availfcble ? 

A. Nothing brtt<r. Celrste— Wkiobt— WooLOAtt— all can be 
nactt Vonuy bishop for Bju>i'OKU— and conscicooc-ttrickea cala'-meat 
man for 0. SintH. 



O^AU right 



Translate in train, and give MS. to Captain of Prinrets 



These are a very few, and very meagre, samples of the international 
information that will tremUe along the wires through •'- '■ — ^i of 
Neftuke; who, by the way. according to the song, < VuL- 

c&n's thunder, hut afterwaras — it being of no use to h' <ie a 

present of the bolts to BBiraifTfiA. However Nrptuns may have 
failed with the thunder, there is bttle doubt that h« «ill sucoaed 
admirably with the lightning. 



THE THREATENED INUNDATION. 

ToK aUrmists of the public press sacoeeAed, about a week ag«, in 
throwing us into a state of the most horrible consternation, at the 
prospect of Father Thames bcini^ attout to take a sort of S«tiiniitie 
turn, and gobble up a number of his oiiildren. W^* wer- told t hnt bis 
swelling bosom was ahorily to give way with ate:- t Nature ; 

and those who did not consider themselvas born U i, began to 

prepare very ^erloubly for the popular alternative 0' iroH-mng. 

In the kitchens sou'hot the nver'a bimk*. wR^hrng-lubs bad been 
launched, and tin fwl-pan" w*"--^ KI-at -.i (inchor. with a vicv '" "" 
ridipg out uf the inundn' \ place: and cki 

wei« in readiness to enab ^ of a Louse to 1 

liigh'borse in the event o( »ii>-l> u luuiit' oi freU-pre^ervntiou Itaving 
been renuired. The kitciien-drrsisers had been laid out as a reef of 
rocks, wnere small articles couM be deposited high and dry instead of 
being left to take their chance on the ground, ni>d every prudent housc- 
nuiidTs'OWBd sway the coutenta of lier worV-*'a.sket. 

To the relief ot the expected Acydf^/^ nud tho discomfiture of the 
penny-a-liners, the inundation did not come off, and the whule thing 
remained almost as imagmary as a theatrical overflow. Wiien we last 
made OUT entjuiryon ttie fcubjeci, Father Thames was reported to be 
ooufined 10 bis bed, where he is expected to remain for the present. 




rilK CUW una TU£ lUON UJI* 



ODD RAT IT. 

Wb may well say " Odd Bat i'," when we hear how mnch better they 
still manage some things in France, for we find the scavengers of Pans 
have lately been dininfj together, to celehratflihedcetruciioiiof G0O,(JOO 
rats in the French capital. We wish the scavengers of London would 
enter into a treatj to exterminate the rats, and we ourselves would see 
it properly ra ificd. Mort awe ratt wa* one of the loasti at the 
banquet, which terniina'ed with a grand chorus to the air of the cele- 
brated lUt a-plan in Li Fxglia. It is much to be regretted that the 
Uriti-'h scavengcni. aa a body, do not unite their energirs for the destnio- 
t ion of those veruiin by wliom we are so frequently undf-rmined in a 
political, as well as in a social senses, and tbera is no doubt we are called 
upon by a loud rat-»-tat at our doora to get rid of the erU. 




I 

: 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



PLEASURES OF HORSEKEEPINO. 





I 

II 



Bf/ the time Mr, Briggs'n Horse (which suits hhn exactly) has recovered from his cold, a long frost sets in. 
Oroom. "That's just wkat 1 sat, Sib; it is aggehavatin* to peh a vict, Oss ukb that, Sib, a doiw' norinK* but xati3v* 

UIS ED OFF ! " 



THE NEEDLEWOMEN'S FAKEWELL. 



Tin put looms dark behind us, the future risf s fair, 

Tlioitgli ne'er so bleak the shore we serk, acroes this wwte of Wafers ; 
Hxrcl atep-niotlier, Eagland, and niuiErard of thy care, 

6*.ill bast thou been, great ]»Und Queen, to us tlif hapless daugfatcn ! 

As to the Tesael'a aide we throng to look our last at ihe«, 
Each sunken eye is dead and dry — what cause have we for weeping ? 

We IcaTe no homes behind us, no hou»e!'oId ties had we; 
In one long coil of heavy toil our hours went creeping — creeping. 

We hawked about thy stony streets what skill we could command; 

For work we prayed, if so but bread might to our need be granted ; 
And in a wolfiah struggle each wan and waited hand 

Clutched at the pay, that waned eacli day as waied the crowd tbat 
wanted. 

And so we strore with straining eyes, in squalid rooms, and chill ; 
The needle plied until we died— or worse — oh, Heaven, have pity !— 

Thou knowest how 'twaa oftener for want we sinned, than will- 
Ob, nights of pain and sharueful gain, about the darkling city ! 



Body and soul we gate for food, nor yet could wc be fed ; 

Blear-eyed or bliud, we pored and pined, and ballled like our 
neighbours ; 
And the oity roared about us, and over each weak head 

Washed iho wild wares, till in our graves we rested from our labours. 

Till came among us eyes and pens, and to a wondering world, 
That gathered paly to hear the tale, revealed in port our story; 

Then hopes from out the darkness were on sad eyes unfurled,— 
To those whose aid our suffering stayed be honour and be glory. 

Now speed thee, good ship, over sea, and bear us far away. 
Where food to cat, and friends to greet, aud work to do await us— 

Where against Imnger's tempting we shall not need to pray- 
Where in wedlock's tie, not harlotry, we shall find men to mate us. 

Lift up your hearts, my sisters ! and to the fresh sea air. 
Oh wan and weak, give each pale cheek, till it forget its sorrow : 

Our yesterdays were gloomy — but our to-day is bright and fair — 
And loving powers will guide the liours of our uiioerta.in morrow. 



I 



How TO POUOT A YoWiO AIaw.— We read in a Sheffield paper 
that "the last polish to a piece of cutlery is given bribe hand of 
vomau." The same may be said of human cutlery: that "the last 
polish to a young blade is giren by his mixing with female 
society/* 



The Wiees op Bbotiixehood.— It sppean from a paragraph in 
the Standard that an electric telegraph between Prance and Eugland 
is about to he efllahllshed in goo*! earnest. We confidently hope that 
international good freliog will prore the ooatinoaUy augmenting rMult 
of this entente electriqng. 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



17 



SCENES rBOM THE LIFE OF AN UNPROTECTED 
FEMALE. 

ScinB 10.^^// ih tca^ io the Bank. Ja ike Srtne fiperat, the Uhtio- 
TBCTKD FuMAUK haa ffot tctU Over the Charing Orou Ctotnmg, and 
imiup re/i^ced the Iriik hanaljf at the Bakfff^i thop, »tarii on her 

esf.eJitioii to draw her dhidendt. 

Unprotected Frmale (thtmJ^g). I wonder if I had better take a oabl* 
I 'm sure, if I do, ihey 'II impose upon me. And I *U never ride in one 
of those nuljr omnibu&es affaio, as loug M I lire. IJn Omttihiti pateea, 
Omnibut (ktd.^ Bank P Bank f 

UKprotteted Femafe {is tempted). It u a long walk (ca«aM)» and I 'm 
not quite sure I know the vay, after St. Paul's Churohyard. 

[SAe makee a step toicardt the OniHtbue. 
CadUeiui heir and attempt* to put herirti/jf/oire). 'Ereyounre, Mum. 
Unprotected Female (outrpged and draiciwg back). No — don't, hjru — 
do— I VQ* c'^'infr. but I 8ban:t. There ! 

[She dedet him with a look, supported Ifji the conttiousne*» f^f a neigh- 
l/onring Policeman. 
Cad (Jumping back to his footboard). Go MonR, Sairc/. 

l^lfinks at llNpROTEirrED FeuiOif. andis whirled off". 
UnproterJed Feamle isuddenlp clasping her hands). Oh, my buff ! i Tifns 
$hort round, and attemvts to make head ttgainst the Hiiand Jttream emt- 
teard^.) Ob ! tSAe is bumped by a clerk ) Do. please t (She is jostled l/ff 
a newabvy.) Ob. let nie I iji^e is all but cmshed by a porter with a chest 
<f drawers.) Alt— thask goodnrss ! (She has by this time been htutledittto 
the human tideway weitwardSj and it swept back to the Baker' $ thop^ 
which the enters, startling the bun-eater* by her agonised manHer.) Ou, 
)jlea«e, not five luinutes niuce, witb t be poor IrisU Ituiiilj^, ou the counter, 
without shoes and stocking, in a black bag — 
Baker^i Man {bewildered). Family ou tbe counter, Ma'am ? 
Unprotected Female, Ob! iiideedl leftit.nrniypocke^'sbeenpicked since. 
Zfa-fcfr** /^rf^. Tbe ba^, WiLiJAM, tbe ladv left. Here, Ma'am. {Tie 
bag IS produced.) Pray lee the money *b rigut. 
Unprotected Ftmate. Ob, ! hank you. 
[£n/, hugging her bag, and commits kene\f once more to the dangera 
if the Strand. 
Iwo small and eery naked Befgars (wilh very red feet). OU— pi— 4— I— 
ease m'm — 'apeimy to buy a bit o* bread. Oii— h— h — h ! 

IH^ilh a tery artistic and jrrolonged shake. 
Unprotected Female, Oh, you wicked little impostors, bow can you F 
Poor thinn ! There ! 

Iffitn uncontrollable compassion giva them eome coppera^ which they 
carry to an elderly lady far adtaneed in intoxication at the gin- 
shop three doors of. 
Dog Beater {wUk a Scotch terrier under one arm, and a poodle under 
the other. In a mysterious whisper). Vant a dnrg, Marm P outanout 
Ifldv'a dorfr, Marm, sveet aa a nu^and vont getbisself prigged, Marm 1* 
Unprotected Female. Get away, cfo — 1 don't waul any. 

[She is brought to a atand by a ecalwaggon slowly deHling from a 

cross Btreet. 

Reduced Young Man {in black, with dcjecttd countenance, and white 

neckrluth. In a very coMjiJen/iat and Jluent manner). Purcbase-ar small* 

articleof-myowu-nianulttcturc-Mem-tbe-Blx-sided- razor -strop- wich-it- 

keeps-your-razors-ue»er-to-want -^riudin-or-sett m. 

Unprutecled Frma/c {in ama:cmeni . I don't use razors, Sir. 
Reduced Young Man. Or-a-pCDknife,-coQib.-or pcnctl-ciwe.-wich-I-am-a- 
young-iuon-regulariy- brcd-a cutler - by-trade-aud-rcduccd-lo-dialreas-by- 
tbe-conipet it ion-of- machine ry. 

IFrotntdea cloae io the face of the UiipaoTKCTED FsktaLK a ehccaus 
defrise of cheap cutlery. 
Unprotected Female (in horror at the numeront bladea). Ob, take Vm 
away, do; and go away this instant, or I'll call the police. {The 
WOf^n haspassed.) Now 1 Ibink 1 oan get over. 

[AmAm across the street with unnecessary haste, nearly upsetting 

herself and several othcra. r^# Reduced Youug Man trips 

closely itfter her. 

Reduced Yow^g Man. Wich-I-Bve-not-now-tasted-food-for-three-days- 

andquite-insuffioieut-to- support- life-and-aahfuued - to* ruention • my-<us- 

tress'to-kind-Cbnstian'fricndif'hut-uDger-is-a'ibarp-thoni. 

Unprotected Female, Oh ! 1 '11 buy you some bread. Stop— bcrc 's 
a Mendicity ticket. \Uffen one. 

Reduced Young Mom {with a sudden change qf look and tone). Ob, 
blow that, you old ihikater— none o' yer akilly tickets for me. 

IRetires inorofomid disgust. 
Unprotected Female {bitterly). Ob, I've a good mind to give you in 
charge, imposinff upon people. 

iShe M suddenly arrested by the tableau t^ the Oi,n EsTABLlSHro 

Decbkt Widow with the Ttcins, in ine white cap.i, very neatly 

made up for the furlorn and broien hearted business under the 

railingn ai St, JJuNstan's. 

Unprotected FemaJe. Ob, what loveljr babiea!— Ob. you shoiddn't sit 

Uiore in tbe cold 1 poor woman— 



Old Established Widow with Twins [nghs heavily). Ah— b— h ! 
[Osf^ her eyes up to heaven and then down to the Twins, who dot^t 
exactlymatch, having been hired from different babytstablishmenis. 
Unprotected Female (gives a shilling). Buy sonie warm fiumel for 'em 
— dn — poor tbingn — how sweetly they arc sleeping ! 

Old islablished Jfidow (in a voice rather husky from gin). Oh, the 
blessina of the widdcr and tbe fatherless. Mum. 

[JFeeps into the Twins* fares, causing them to sneeze in spite of the 
soothing ir^Jluenre (^ GoDruKY. 
Unprotected Female {continues her walk). It 's dreadful to think on tbe 
distress one sees, I'm sure, betides all the impostors. {She has now got 
to Farringdon Street.) How ever am I to get over there ! 

[She pauses ia diemay, 
I Dreadful Object {who is lying crouched with mucJk art, with bare feei, 
pale face, white nightcap vulled very low down and large nakad shoulder 
I coming through a hole in his tight wuittcoaf). Ob— b— b— [Shudders. 
I Unprotected Female (perceiving him). lj|;h 1 poor creature ! in this 
dre&tlful cold weather too ! {Reads the sereeve, or inscription on thefiags.) 
"Starving— no home— no friends." Oh, it's dreadful! Here, poor 
boy {gices him sixpence), got up, do, and go and apply at tbe work-house. 
They must take you in, you know. Mb. JuNia told nte so. 
Jjreadfnl Object. Ob, I cau't walk, I 'm so wi-ak. Mum. 
[Groans, and subsides agatn With his face to the wall, and his bare soles 
and shoulder well diaotayed. 
Unprvtecfed Female. Ub. tnen, you must be supported. Here's a 
policenian coming; I'll ask him to take you. 

th-endful Object {supematurally recovering himself). A crusher 1 rere P 
' Olloh 1 

1 [Picks himself up very vigorously, and bolls down Farringdon 
! Street at the rate <^ seven miles an hour. 

Unprotected Female (j$lmt*st giving way to tears). Ob, there's anolber 

iQiposior ! What m a woman to do 7 I must talk to Mk. JuKuontho 

j subjpot.. He 's to meet mo at tbe Bank at two. (SI- Font's strikes 

I " two.") Kb P I declare it 's striking ; I must get a cab, or I shall be 

too late. Here, hoy 1 

[Iloids up her umbrella. A rush of cabs from the Stand. She is 
surrounded by cabmen and Jiereely contended for. The ScEKl 
closes as the is borne off in triumph by the succea^ul eombataiU, 




THE ENTHUSIASTIC BOYEE. 



ABLY last week, M. Soyek— warm from the Reform 

Club kitchen— was enjoying bis skat« in St. 
James's Park. Having laid out aa imaginary 
dinner for a hundred upon the ioo, be boldly 
skated to the thiuneat place, and went souse into 
the water. Many persona belieTed tbe immer- 
aion of tbe cook to be the effect of accident. By 
no means : with that enthusiasm that marks and 
heightens the character of the man, M. Soyer 
spontaneously went through tbe ioe that be might 
arrive at tbe full knowledge of the use and abuse 
of — dripping. 



Sin, 



JENKINS TO SIDNEY HERBERT. 



I take tbe license of addressing you as a Protectionist. What 
do you meaa. Sir, by sending to my office, and asking me to subscribe 
to your scheme of emigration for needlewomen f Your Free Tr%de is 
the cause of all their misery, which, ihongh their wages were as low aa 
they are now. and their bread was dearer than at present, before Peel's 
treason, would no doubt have ceased of itself, if tbe Com liaws had 
been mnintaioed. What tbe wretched sempstresses require is Pro- 
tection. You must defend them from the competition of wives, sisters, 
and housekeepers, who make up tbeir husbands , brothers', and masters 
shirts. You may ask bow tbia is to be accompUshedF Wait idl oar 
party gets into power. No more at present than you got out of 
MjLiLuiOBouou from "jKHtma," 

The Hational Ohamber of Horrors. 

Fbom a recent letter in tbe Times, it appears that tbe widow of 
Belxoni, in a state of extreme indigence, is anolbt-r living example of 
England's ingratitude to its heroes and benefactors. If Madamb 
TiT»8Ai)u would get together all the effigies of the nefrlected widows 
and orphans, such as Madaxb Bilzovi and Nei^n'b daughter 
HoaATiA, of those who " have done tbe State soiue service,** abemigbt 
eatabUab another, and a more edifying, Chamber of Horrora. 



18 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVABI. 



THE BANK AND ITS BULLION. 

Tux Papers are daily 
informing us of the 
glut of gold wkicU 
Eas increased the 
bnliioQ in the Bank 
to such an extent 
that the coffers of 
the establisliment 
are crovded to in- 
convenience. We 
really thiok there 
ought to be au inti- 
mation that "no 
more money will be 
taken at the doors," 
and that a placard 
inscribed "Quite 
full." should bo 
placed at all the 
entrances. So great 
is the emharra$ det richesset within the bank, that the clerks can scarcely 
grope their way through the heaps of gold, which flows in so fast, tliat 
tiie^ lire in danger of being knocked down by the force of the current 
of the metallic currency. Threadneedle Street has, in fact, been turned 
into a sort of local California, and whenever a customer applies at the 
Bank for gold, the clerks have only to dig up a shovel-fuU from the 
ground about them. 

With a glut of gold in the great National Establishment, a surplus in 
the Eichequer, and money with which nobody knows what to do in 
evenbody's pocket, we shall begin to doubt the proprietv of financial | 
reform, and to consider whether the metallic plethora ougut not to be \ 
relieved by a little wholesome ex'ravagance. At all events we mayi 
hope that the abundance of cash in the country will take away jail excuse 
for bad wages, and that peculiar kind of economy in the public service ' 
which leaves large sinecures untouched, and faitening its clutches on' 
the salaries of the really working men, devotes itself to the reduction 
of useful— instead of useless — expenditure. 




A VICTIM TO LET. 

How easT is it to dip a pen in an ink-bottle and bring out nothing ; 
how remarLably easy in comparison with the attempt to put either 
hand in either ^cket, and bnng out something I Ink is dirt chnp; 
but silver carries so much an ounce. These truisms are everv tuv 
shining in the columns of the Herald, that will noi be comfort«a witn 
the domgs of the Fost-Ofiice. Tuese truisms are furnished br certain 
correspondents whose pens continually weep, and whose pockets are 
continually buttoned, in the case of K G. Howlett, the postman dis- 
charged for distributing bills condemnalory of what was called the 
desecration of the Sabbath by the Post-Omce authorities. The man 
circulated falsehoods, and did his best to create a revolt amongst his 
fellows. He was thereupon — and we think, very properly — cashiered. 
However, the friends of the Sabbath, as they take delight to call them- 
selves, further assuming, under the comprehensive distinc'ion, rarioua 
personal titles, smacking more of self-conceit, than of modest pie^ — 
contend that R. G. Howlett is a victim. Be it so. Why not tnen 
succour the persecuted? Why not recompense the martyr? Why 
not indicate the beauty of a pious cause, by aiding and assisting its 
heroic but discomtited champion ? R. G. Howlett and family cannot 
live upon printer's ink ; whatever their stomachs may be, they cannot, 
for wnolesome food, swallow and digest the Morni/tff Herald, No 
human chyle, however potent, can turn that to nutriment. R. G. 
Howlett is a victim— but why should he continue to be A Victim 
to Let? 

Words of sympathy may be real, but there can be no mistake in 
minted sixpences. "A Fnend to Order" writes very touchingly : and 
if every line he writes were even of the value of a pound of potatos, 
nay, of a single potato, to tlie cashiered Howlett, he could immedi- 
ately arrive at the value of his Orderiy Friend's compassion. "One in 
Earnest" is very earnest in sentences : but his earnestness stops short 
at even a penny loaf in the matter of the rejected one. " An Income- 
Tax Payer " suggests, that, in the matter of Howlett. the Quebk 
should be "appealed to as Defender of the Faith." The proposed 
suggestion may be valuable ; but a ton of coals would prove a 
defender — not to be mistaken at Howlett's fireside — in the sharpness 
of this actual January. If Howlett could bo fed upon goosequiils, it 
would be well indeed with the cashiered postman? Quills are very 
useful instruments ; but why not send the poor man tne price of a 
goose? 

If the feeling against what was thought to be, what will be. mnsl; b^ 
and cannot otherwise than be, the desecration of the Sabbath 1)7 Fost- 
Office wickedness, be so very wide and so very deep— why should poor 
HowXKXT be sacrificed? Why should there not be a Howlett 
testimonial? Where are the bankers, the merchants,, the solici ors, 
the churchmen, who met and aired their piety, denouncing, with frothy 
indignation, the iniquity of the Post-Office? Where are these great 
actors — these s^ars— in the postal play of MurA Ado About Kolhinff^ 
every man playing either DogUerry or V^ges ?^ Why, gentlemen bankers, 
merchants, solici'ors, and cimrchmen, here is poorjttowLETT — a man 
after your own pious hearts— a real actor, a downriglit striver in the 
cause— not a talker merely — suffering for his zealous championship. 
Howlett is starving. The glass is below freezing point, and Howlett 
and family need coals when up, and blankets wtieu abed. Howlett 
is the child of your cause— of that cause that made your hearts swell so 
highly, and your brows perspire so freely when, from the platform, you 
let flow the lava of your eloquence upon the heathenism o^ St. Martin's- 
jeGrand, and ftlt yourselves mightily relieved and comforted accord- 
ingly. But here is no such glory for Howlett— Howlett, like 
MoBDECAi, sits on the outer steps, and HxLi^ unlike Hahai^, will not 
be hanged for his iniqui'y. 

Therefore, we say to you— bankers, merchants, solicitors, churchmen, 
and all men, good ana pious, who renounce CLAifBiCABOE and his 
doings,— take Howlett, and, in his person, show to a backsliding 
world, what noble recompence awaits a some-time martyr. Let a 
cottage— a small model of the Post-Office would be a very significant 
erection — be straightway built for Howlett ; let a joint annuity be 
purchased for Howlett and the wife of Howlett ; let Howlett's 
children be bestowed in civic free-schools, — and let all the world, in the 
prosperous condition of Howlett, reco^ise on one hand the humble 
champion of truth, and on the other the muniScent gratitude of truth's 
worshippers, the rich and 1 he well-to-do. In this the Postman would 
not alone be benefitted ; no. it would be to UO an example of justice to 
all the world, and not merely to howl it. 

Small, however, is our hope of this. We fear, so far as the effectual 
assistance of the bankers, merchants, solicitors, apd cliurchmen is con- 
cerned, R. G. Howlett will continue as he is— A Victim to Lei ! 

A Oontributioik from Mr. Batty. 

CAii you tell me, Sir, what is t^ difference between TattkesaWi's ; Ihsaot Peoposal.— Tde i/brjwitf Herald indigumtly 4aks, " Why 
and the Wood Pavement? No? Well, then. I 'U tcU you. 'don't the Irish ^wwarfAr^* 

Taxtsbsaix knocks down horses in lots, but the Wood Farement j Why, were this permitted, we should have m($9 ^^g^ pf ^rgUetion 
does iflore; it knocks them up 1 jthanever. 




Thimblerig and Veedlerlg. 

The united efforts of the Legislature and the Police have almost 
completely succeeded in suppressing the Thimblerig. The Needlerig, 
however, is carried on to as great an extent as ever, and will be effec- 
tually put down only bv the Public 's discouraging it in ceasing to deal 
with the cheap slop-sellers who victimise the poor sempstresses. 

TH.^ CONSEQUENCES OF UNDEBTAKEBS. 

Extoetionate Undertakers occasion Burial Clubs. 
Burial Clubs pay Funeral Money. 
Funeral Money tempts to Murder. 



PUNCp, OR TJIB LONDON CHARIVARI. 



Id 




THE LIGHT OF ALL NATIONS. 

EAS BROreHAM 

has been astoniah- 
ing the p!;oplc of 
Cannes, by tlirow- 
ing upon llicm 
the electric Hgbt, 
at: 11 o'clock p.m., 
from the (opinosl 
lower of Ill's ehft- 
teau. Whfrcver 
Loao BnocauAM 
happens to be, he 
must establish 
binisetf as the 
greatest liin deary 
of the neighbour- 
hood, aud there is 
no Buhjec, bow- 
"~ ever dark, ibat he 

will not throw a 
light upon. We l)ope that, vben bis lordsbiu comes to town, be will 
not object to enlighten London with rome of loose powerful rays, which 
bo never fails to carry about with him in that enormous lantboro, bis 
mmd— whose powers of leileotioa are almost unlimited. 




LAST MOMENTS OF THE PALACE COUET. 

Thz Palace Court teems to have died rather hard, for, after haviog 
gone throuffb its last da; on Friday, December 28lb. it gave a convulsire 

fasp, and had n few ** more last, words ** on Monuay. the 31st ulUmo. 
ho "last eccne of all" was marked by rather an affect iog in- 
cident, for when the judge retired to his robiag-room, be was 
followed by the attorneys, who expressed a wish to present him 
with a festimonial. 

His HonouTj baring consented to receive the proffered coDipliment:, 
found a sheet of paper thrust into bis bandp, with the thanks of the 
attorneys inseribed upon it in fine hold text characters. Whether the 
testimonial was cxacllv the kiud of thing his Honour bad expected, we 
cannot tell, bat be folaed it to his bosom — or, in other words, placed it 
in his breast-pocket. He declared in a sad tone of voice that he had 
always tried to hold Ibe seal a of Justice with an even band, however 
odd the proceedings of the Court may have uppc&red to the public in 
general. The usher went through Ihe pro-esa ol breaking his wand in 
luiitation of Pro^ro, as a sort of farewell to Iiis prosperity. The 
office-keeper, being unable any longer to keep his office, drew down the 
Blind, raked out the fire, shut the door with a slam, and strewed some 
repentant ashes on the loot pavement before the door, where the " dogs 
of law " had been so frequently let slip upon any game that chanced to 
•how itself. 



IHE BRANDY AND WATER FISHERUB. 

TniM Fisheries are Ibe most abunilant in the Parks. The plan 
of fishing is very simple. Vou venture on the ice with a pair 
of skatca, and where the ice is tbiuneat, of course you go in. Vou cut 
a flounder or two with your bkates, and after going to the bottom, just 
lo feel your fooling, you come to the surface, where you find a rope 
presented lo you. This vou accept with all the warmth possible, and 
at the end 70U will find in your bands a glass of warm brandy-and- 
waler. The best Gshing is in Hyde Park, for there they give you the 
best brandy, and the least water. The liegcnt'a Park preserve is not 
so good \ and it has been fotuul oecea&ary to plant on the ioe large 
pladtfda, marked— 



PANOKROUS: 
BEWABE OF " BRITISH 1 1 



M u to wars entbnsiaats from being liken in. A whisky Qsbery has 
lately been started in St. James's Park, but it baa been described as 



very weak, and no', at all equal lo the current of 
flows through the famous Serpentine. 



warm within," that 



" Look on this Picture '* if you can. 

It is said that one of the pictures in Ibe Vernon Ciallery baaauatained 
a alight injur/ at the bands of the artist employed to copy it. The ex- 
cuse urged la a very plausible one, namely, that the damage, if any, 
having been done to a picture in the hole appropriated to the Vernon 
CoticetioD, ipiil nw^ be tmn. 



A BLACK STATUS TO THOMAS CARLTLE. 

Pleasant is it to record the ready gratitude of bodies of men. Well. 
Thomas Cauiyle, the man who, with his iron pen, pricks *' wind-bagfc ;" 
who, wi h his iron-tipped shoon, kicks " fluiikeyaom ; " who, with his 
Vulcanic list knocks \town the giant "Sham,"— Thomas CARLrLi is 
to be rewaiaed by the West India plauterii for his late advocacy of 
" the beneficent whip," and the Kentuckian wrath with which he has 
all-hut deitro.ved emancipated "Black Quashee," the wretch who will 
notworkamongsugar-canes, unless well paid for bis sweat ;* ifrcferring 
to live upon pumpkin ! to be, in fact, a free, luxurious citizen of aocurred 
Pumpkindom. i homas Cabltle ts to be vicariously executed in black 
marble, and to stand in the most conspicuous ^pot of the island cf 
Jamaica, with a pumpkin fashioned into a atandiah m one hand, and the 
sugar-cane pointed and nibbed into a pen in ttie other. 

DO should it be done unto the man whom the slave-holder delights to 
honour! 

There will be copies in little— etaluettes— for the American market, 
to grace the mantel-ahclf of the Virginian man-buyer. 

* Sm Frattr'M Mag. toe VmmtHm, 



THB RETURN OF PROSPERITY AND THE BOAllD 
OF TRADE. 

Now matters are mending ; onr exports, ascending. 

Cause Business to caper and Credit to crow ; 
Our liaheries are rising in manner surprising. 

And butter is moving, and cheese on the go. 
Ud cordage has gotten, aud fabrics of ooitoa 

ExJubit an increase deligliltul to see ; 
Glaas, hardware, and potter)-, with drapery, ailk-sholteryt 

And leather, are doing as well aa may be. 
Our dealings m linen give proof of a spinning, 

Which all Europe's spiders can't equal us in ; 
We 've sold the world metals for saucepans and kettles, 

And had a proportionate influx of tin. 
Wi^h colours tor dying and painters supplying, 

We're driving a trade very llattering to hope, 
Which consideration affords cuusulatiuu 

For not h&viug been quite so well off for aoap. 
Despite contradiction, without any fiction. 

Our stationery has advanced we may say ; 
The woollen trade, lastly, is prospering vastly : 

The Lufercnce wc draw from thcae facta is — Hooray I 



He Falls like luoifer. 



The Railwav Monarchy has undergone the last meUncholy process 
of dissolution by the melting down of the wax figure of Mk. lluDsON 
in Maba^£ Tu&saud's collection. The lUilway; King has been 
reduced to a liouid atate; though other actA of liquidation have yet to 
be gone througli by the ex-sovereign of the itajl, whose treatment has 
been enough to melt an> thing or anybody. We cannot inwgine a 
more complete dowufal than that of a[man driven out from the Baker 
Street Bazaar, and whoso room is preferred even by AIadaius Tussai'D 
to hia company, 

A Slip-Shod Article. 

Sci£M£. — TJie ff^ood PavemeiU, ^m Ommibvi, wiik both iV< horu* ut 
their fkU ki^h* ott the tcood. 

Cabman, "Hollo, Busite, why didn't yer take ycr oases to the 
farrier's h" 

*Buman. " So I did, Cabbie, but in the 'urry of business, instead of 
shoes, be has given the warmint tiippere." 



UTERATtr&K OOTHO TO THE TAlLOfiS. 

Sticn is the rage for registering everything, that a keep-pace-witb-tlie 
limes publisher has announced a new ediuou of " LtUors to his Son/' 
under liie title of '* A lUgiateied ChtnUrfield." 



The High-Tides Hoav. 

Ak abortive attempt has been made by some a trouomers — who 
appear to have gone star-gazing till they were moonstiuck— to create a 
panic, by predicting a run upon the Banks of the Thames. Dirty Old 
Father Thames has kept his own dead and deadly level \ not bavisjc 
done any more mischjef than that of ooutinuing to emit pernicious 
exhaUtions. 



20 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



A STATION ON THE NORTH STAFFORDSHIRE LINE, 



^<- 



^^^^^ 



\ 



.. 



'U 






/ 



.itfv. 



^' 



\\ 



\ 



TVaveiler. " Now tken, Bor, where 's tue Clebk who gives the Ticket," 

^oy {afier finishing an air he u:a$ ichutling), "I'm the CumiL** 

Traveller. "Well, Sir! Aku what tike does the Tbaj» leave toe Loiidom." 

Bop. " Oh, I don't kxow. No tihe is pesticxieb. Sometimes ome time— ajtd sohetimbs ai)0i:h3Uil" 



THE POPE OF FLEET STREET. 



" Season your admir&lion for & while." reailers. r>Io Court in Fleet 
Street haa become the Court of Pius the Niktu. Aa ycl the Komwi 
I'oulif bas not tougUt au &5y]ium over tbe wfijr. His Holiness of Fleet 
Street ia a Prote»t«nt ; revertheleM, bfi ia every incb a Pope : — nay, several 
inchea more of a Pope tluui the greftL Hildebiuni>. Fur he ia the founder 
of his own Popedom ; not beitij^in the least indebted for the same to the 
FisiiKlLMAK; luid be wiH prescribe your faith by hia mere ipse dtxit. 
indepeudeutly of Scripture or trudiiion either. Tliia p/iM-^n-papul 
Protcftfant Pope is the Editor of the Record. 

His Uuline^s of Fleet Street published, tbo other day, a letter si^ed 
"ENquiKEB," signifvinfr that, a series of readinKa from Suakspeaee, 
commeooing with ^^luacMh " aud " Otkelto" w{is about to be given at 
!Exeter UalT, and deoianding whether it waa '* aa a sort of preparatory 
school to Drury Lane " that the building in question was founded? 

To this waa appended, in the shape ot a note, tbe following pontifical 
rescript :— 

" rOiuTouos hftTO bocn eoosldand imhae ^considering ibo nsnal clun«ten oi the 
pcrioni]pr«,and the spirit of ttMin^cni^ of the llsbmonjtiytomoof Uie cbolceft DiTtncs 
tlilii country hiiA produced. UiMOllADBOuB ConenrtA, Ik hu yotiermlly beftn ooaeadad hj 
Scripturallr enliRli lenMl penntu, tvestbo maeh more of the iplrit of the wortd thao vf tbe 
Goepel. TlMjr ooutUnte OMDmon gronod vhere Infinite mfiKhlBf Is done. TIkkq litve 
■rreiluBllr beODOM eppar«itl7 the staple subjects of profit to the ahareLolilvrs of Eiat£r 
llell. Now we have ruedliiH of Oikelh. ProooedlnvwIcadUy In thU do«-nwerd career, 
wo may expect preiently to hare acting of Othello We dan lajr tbe Kail would tiuike 
a ftocd lIu>Btnt. It Hucma full timii tor Uie proprietora to ooiuider wlutber the/ are 
bound.— liLfiTOB.]" 

Fearless of the thunders of the Fleet Street VaticAn, we protest 
agsinst the above allocution. If the first sentence of that document 
has any nicaaing, it is a grossattdunchanrahlr insinuation n^ainst both 
the singers aud the audience &t the Sacred liarmoNie Society's perform- 



ances. Here is a pretty Pope, without any power of tbe keys, except 
that by which be unlocks (he floodgates of calumny ! 

The next ensuing papal position is not ver^ clear ; for, if lliscelUmeoai 
CoDcerfs "breathe much more of the spirit of the world than of the 
Qospel," they must breathe wme of the latter: and how can that be, it 
even Oratorios tbemselrca are nrofane? No doubt, however, it is 
intended for a condemnation of ** Miscellaneous Coucerta," baaed cm ^e 
^ncr&l consent of " ScriDtumlly enlightened persons." Now there is. 
in a verv well-known booa, a faithful narralive, bearing on this point, 
to which we refer the " Scripturally enlightened" — nna their Pope. 

hi the history alluded to, it will be found recorded that a oertain 
Father's celebration of the return of his unthrifty son included " mwm 
and dancitiff." 

The "Scnpturally enlightened" may be aware that this authentic 
tale is figurative. Possibw tbev may know who is meant by the Father 
that is nieut-ioned in it. Will the/ presume to say that He who related 
it would, if music — even dancing music — were in itself evil, have 
represented it as bearing a correspondence to anything of Uiat Fatbet'ft 
institution ^ 

Let us return to our Bull. 

Having denounced music, it could 1>e only expected that our Pontiff 
should anathematise dramatic reading. Yet a better authority than hia 
Holiness, who once lived in Bolt Court close by him — Dii, Johkson— " 
wrote ft play, and went to aeeit inaredcoa^. Under the papal favour we 
submit tnat there is uccasiunixlly a deal of higuted niving m Kxeter Hall, 
to which the moat, ranting recitations from Otfiello would be infinitely pre* 
fcrable ; and that thecan-er which tends from Stigoins tu SuAksrEAAE 
is the reverse of dowHtcard. Althougli MiscellAoeoua Concerts were 
even very sinful, they might still be Icsa wicked than fanatical howling. 





PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



21 



JENKINS AND MRS. MOWATT. 

Ma. Jekkdis, laat week, f«voarod the limited world io whtrh he 
moTes wi b a nolice of the fir^t repres#'ntation of KIbs. Mowatt'8 
comfidjr* t'tttki»m; or, Life im Ntw io<ifr, ft plAy which, according to thp 
Timtt, **bM twea uotod wi<h cuocrss at t^err ohirf citv in the Umoo/' 
anU WHi receiTed at ourOljinpio here wltL *' tomuituouB applau&c." 
*' It may/' tajw JiKKtM^ 

" Uj •ain» vemk'pvnon* tn thoaght anfttumn ta oi, vhn vpaaklnf of Um prodncHoo 
•f a UAj UiA ft fltTBDgcr, wt eBipk^ tnf Ubcucs that la not tdBtly oomplimetiUrT ; 
bot fcvnJu U of tx> ler." 

An<i Mien j£NKU(s procofds to abuM the ladr and 8trBDger*s plavp 
eUt.orati ly, iner. rj pariicular, "ilh all his nigh'v soul nnd gigantic 
streng b. For the dead sei (ha b^ thus mttkra. he musl of courftc buve 
a niotiTf, which, ha>l be limitcil bi^l»^lf to flncturcs on thr production 
jt»rlr, txight pOFfihly have bren supposed to he a no meaner one ifaan 
Au rxorsa of chri&i leal Hut, Mk. JcnXiks not conient »i'h jretpmg 
at I he ul&Vi ihu&t ii''eds have a a ap at. the authoress. " When the 
a£lor8/ writes |ffnfl/-»nefring Jenktks, 

" Had lodulgvd OK trltb another glw}e* At thflr p«reonft, a very gaDerai c«U IVAm all 
parU of tlM* Iiouw brongbt Mju.MuwArroa tlwtUgw. Tha noUv was iben trvmaDdotu, 
aad (be tbower cf ciutomary l*itMiurt« nior« vrlgbljr and conilnuoua tluiD we vrttr r»- 
B«nib«r \\ to have barci. Th* q/air tro* a i\M» a^triicm^ for Dot oalr wer« tlw flowers 
piuriikd too protiuclj. ^( (A« Mir, la mt cvm, OKIwarnl i«te raotty <irw«Mf/w iA« 



Why cmld von not bav« mod^ated the raTioour of vonr pen a Itttle, 
JebkIWsP Why aMack the lady and atranftcr personally P Is it your 
inaividual «clf or your order — Jekkinb or Fluiikcydooi— that 

UaB. M0Wi.TT has offfl^drdP 

Juruys, you lay, that "geniuB is of no s«x." Neither is oriticlim, 
ta peraoniBed by you. At any rate it is not maniy. 



HOBSON'S CHOICE, 

OR TOB r£fiFL£XlTI£S OV A OEMLXIUV IN 8EABCB GY A RIAVAKT. 

ETBR GniiiriMeM., the knife-boy, the 
youth previou'Iy mfntioiied aa, rou 
of my jfrften-grorrr and occaional 
bu'ier, a demure lit'le fair-haired lad, 
who bad received hi« e^lncation in a 
tT<!en baiee ooa^ and )rliow leather 
Breeches at Saint Blniec'a Chari'y 
Bebool, was our Grut fool-boy or page 
Mamma thought that a full-^izeu 
foo'n<an migbtoccasion inco'ivenicnce 
in the housp, and would not be able 
to sleep in our back afic (which in- 
deed was scarcely six fe»-t long), and 
she had souiebow conceived a ffri-at 
fondness for this youth, with hiapale 
eh ek«, blue eyes, and yellow htiir, 
wbo sang the sweetest of all the 
ohihiren in the orgun toft of Saint 
Bla a 's. A' five o'clock every moin- 
ing, winter and sun uirr, that boy, 
before he took a permanent ^ngage■ 
znent in my estahhshment, «tid down 
our area-slep", of which and of the 
kitchen entrance he was enlnisted 
with the key. He crept up the stairs 
ai fileut as a cat, and carrie^l off 
the boots and shoes from the doors 
of onr resrpeclive apartments without dis'urbing one of uii : the 
kniTes and shoes of my domesUc circle were oleaued as brilliant as 
pOMible before six o'clock : be did odd joba for the cook, be wrnt upon 
pur messages and errands ; h« carried out his father's potatoes and 
eauliflo«era; he aflended school it Saint BlaiEr's; be turned Ms 
ino'her'a mangle: — there was no end to the work that bov could do in 
the course of a day, and he was the most j»cmv«, quiet, humbh- hitle 
rogue you ever knew. Mbs. Captain Budob then took a just liking to 
th<- lad, and resolve I to nromotr him to the litujition of page. Uit name 
was cha' ged from Petcr to PnuiP, ai Iwing more ren e Is and a bat 
with a g^ Id conl and a k"oh n <he lop lik" a gilt BruHsels sprout, and 
a dnrk grei-n sui*. with a white g..ll<xm atripe down the rrowver-s anis, 
anri a b(i*h"1 ofbu'tonsoti the jacket, were yurrhkiied at an esablisli- 
ment in Hn|tiorn, off lh - diinimi a' the door. Munit)>a is a great big 
Vtron? Wfjman. viib a high ?r>itit. wbo I vhonid think could pnteci 
li»r»e(i very well ; but when PBIUP had his livery, she made him walk 
b bind her regnlarlv, and neier coukl go t«> church without Fbilip 
after her to carry the books, or out to tea of an eveaiog, wiifaout that 
Itoy on the box of tJie «aU 




Maa. Cattaib B. ia fond of good living hera^lf; and, to do b«r 

iustice, always kept our servant* w*-IL I don't meddJs with the 
kjLohen affair* n.yseif, having my own buiinesa 'O attend : bu' I brlieve 
my servants bad as mneh meat aa they o uU ea% and a great deal mors 
than Wat good for them. They weal to bed pretty soon, for ouis wat 
an early housr, and when I oame in from the CitT after bntineaa. I wm 
glad enough to get to bed ; and they go'- op rather late, for we are ail 
good sleepers (especially M£a. B., who tJces a heavy supper, which / 
never could indulge in), so that th^-y were never called upon to bar* 
their beds much before seven o'clock, and had their eight or nine good 
hours of rest every night. 

And here I ctinno' help remarking, that if these folk* knew their 
luck ; tua n bcma Morut,^ we used to say at Merchant Tailor^'; if 'hcf 
reii<eit<bered that they are fed as well as lords, that thev' have warm 
hrda and plenty of Mrep tn them; that, ii they are ill. they bava 
ff. qupullv their mastei'a d ctor; that they get good wakc*. and beer, 
and S'lgar and tea in sufiicirnc) : tbev need not be robbing iheir 
employer?, or ?akirg fees Irom trades i en. or prumbling at their lor. 
My Iricnd an.i hesd-clrk, Kaddles. I b' a hu-dr^d xnd tweniy a 
lear, and eight childrr-n; the RkVLRhND Mr. lilTTLEs, our rfremed 
cura'eat t^amt BiaiscV.has thr same sDpeud and fauiU of three; and 
I aiii sure that bu h o 'huae gentl nien woik hard i-r, and fare V'or«e, 
iban any of the servant* in niv ki dim, or my rriui-b'nr's, And I, 
»ho have feen tlat d a^ good.elekani a^'^* ofa Mrs KtTTLEa Ironing 
ber hiishami's bandi at d neckcloth* 4 and ti ai urconmonlv rh mipp-r 
ot dry bread, and niilk-ar:d-«aie', «Uich he KADhLta fan.ii^ rake vtben 
I have dropped in 10 visit them at their pUe, iCJIeualvon Cotiaiie. 
Magnolia Hiini S-.uih, Camd n To-n,) on mv walk* f^^lIl Unrnpafraa 
of a Sunday erening :— 1 aay, who have seen these peopl , and thought 
about n*y servants at home, on the same July evening, earinx 1 uttered 
toast round ihc kitchen fir*. — b*ve luariclled how rcMgued and con- 
tented some pei'p'ewere, and bo* readily 01 ber people grumbled. 

Well then, thi« young Philiv being introduced into my lamilr, and 
bring at that period as lean as a whipping-pu&i, aud as cuuteuted with 
ihf* acrapa and broken victuals winch tjir cook eava him, as an a'drrn an 
wi h his turtle and ven!-»on, tow left bis mother'a mangle, on which, 
or on a sack in bis father's potato bio l>e used to sleep, and put on my 
buttons and strip' s, waited at my own table, and took his legular place 
at ihaf tu ht? kitchen, and ocoupMd a warm bed and three bUnkcta in 
the bftckalic. 

Therrteci of the thrce(orfourorfiTe, jail f— for the deuce knowg how 
many they take,)mealiaday up^n the young ra«cal, wa^* speedily evident 
ill hi!i pergonal apnearanoe. His le&n cheeks b-gan to HL ou*. till ihey 
grew as round ana pate as a pair of sue' dumptinKS. Hiit dress (for ihe 
title dummy in Holbon, a bargain of MBfi. CaptaIW B's. was aJwajro 
a light |]t,) grew tighter and tighter— as if i>is meats id the kitchen were 
not suflicient for any two Chnntians ; the little gormandi^^er levied coa- 
iributjcius upon our parlour dishes. And one d-y my wile spied him 
with his moutb smeared all over with our juii pudding; and on another 
occasion he c«me in with tear* in his eyes and baraly able to speak« 
truni the eff'-cts of a curry on ftliich be hail laid hands in the ball, and 
a Inch wc make (from ihe Nawobb 01 Mulligatawney's own receipt) re- 
ntal kaoly fine, and as hot as hot — as Ihe dogdavs. 

As lor the crockery, bo'h the coiiiinon blue and the stone china 
Mamma ftave us on our marriage, (and which I must confess I didn't 
mmd seeing an end of, because she brairgcd and botimtd so about it,) 
(lie smashes t hat boy made were incrediole. The handler of all the tea- 
cups went ; aud the knobs off the covers of the vr gel able diabes* and 
thw stems of the wine-^laascs ; and the china punch-b*iwl my Aw ma 
Ma^rja was christened in. And the di>s he did not break the dinhea 
on ihe table; be spilt the gravy on the do h. Lord ! Lord ! bow I did 
wish for my pretty neat little parlour-maid again. But I bad best 
no*, for peace' sake, enlarse again upon that point. 

And as lor get ing up, I suppose the suppers and dinners made him 
sleepy as well as fa ; certainly the li'lle ra-sc^l forthc first week did get 
np at his usual hour : then he was a Utile lat^r : at the end of a month 
he came yawning down si aira after the maid !i had long been at work: 
there was no more polishing of boo's and knives : bardy time to get 
mine clean, ard knives enough ready for me and my wi/e's br^fast 
(Mss. CaPTAilf B. taking hers aud her pouched egvs and rushers of baoon 
in bed), in time enoagb. 1 say. for my breakfast, oef ore I went into tbe 
City. 

Many and many a scolding did I sire that boy, until my temper 
Hein^ easy and the lad gel ing no eartlilv good from my abuse of hun, 
I fell off— from shr-er wearin^Bi and a acsire for a quiet life. Ajia 
Maon^a, to do her justice, wa< never lirrd of giving it to hinuaud 
r^'ed hini up hill anl dovin dale. It was **Phiup you are a fool" 
"Puiup, ^ou ilir \ wretch." "Phiup, you sloveiV' nnd *o fortt), all 
dinner 'inie. Bu' a' ill, wheni talked of Hnuine him off, MRii.CAPTAUi B, 
hl^a^s somehow plea;icd Or him and i fis'ea upon kecpn'g hitn. Well. 
My weakness i** 'hat 1 enTt'l any no •© a W'tnan. and Master Phiup 



L 



' J uy (liLf. bi'cauM- I think p), and wU) mot ba put dc><rn. 
UiEra U atitliln^tQ ST " 
caitt in ber ay* 'Hit ■ 
U(Mua ball, or tha Op«r« 



Mr wlfa feays iltn UiUikS 
to Maa. Umxth, and Maaiina *&}-« tb« gtrat hcrMttf alr*. aod ti»«a 



eb 



;t"' 



/ liavt otfrr 



M, Dot at a Maualou 



Vol. XVIII.-18i 



22 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



ataid od, breaking the j^lcs and smaahing the glaw, and getting more mischieroos 
and Uxjr erny di^. 

At laat there came a enui, which, though it wasn 't m «(|r creekerf, did Mabtbb 
Phiuf*! buaineaa. Hearing a great laoshter in the kitchen one erening^ Mamma 
(who ia a good honaekeeper, and does not Eke her aervanta to laugh on any aoooont, 
atepped down,— and what ahould ahe fiad P 




—Master Phiup. mimioking her to Uie women aerrantt and saying, "Look, this 
Xi^2 ]Ity**PS^"»\B'"»?««<ff'"And,imllinganapkm (some- 

i? Sfhi^l.**"' T^rkiih turbim Mm. Cmiix B* w«£i), he began to tpeak at 
W ™ ^^/5?^' T**"!' ^^-^P?' y°« ""tyi »<ile. goo<^-for-n^Siing, lazy, dirty 

lr«V**' iT^ ^ 'S'" ^/J»''^ **»« gravy 8of" &i 
■hor.t1;,-rh^.i™. f ^ T** ^^f? M« ea™ soundly, and the neit day he was sent 

untUafUr !^?TP^?^ Hf ^ ^^^^.^ t^'* *»fore. 1 could not comprehend. 
Sws a* th«^«n'. fctij^* "V i*'*'*- *^? *^°»* »»i< looking with tears in her 
SS^thinilika fim^^H /h*? if **^ "* *^? Pf'**^* t*»»t her little boy Augustus wu 



It 



HAMPTON COURT HOSPITAL. 
Tra existence of this charitable institution u not, perhans Mm«Ml1* w««-« 
forms a considerable portion of Hampton (5urt iCln. :«T^« il"*^^' /" 
remainder of that esUblishment, ia^pS^dlrhouf by ii A 
or ta««^ which, according to a statrSSit recently mU b^ShVwVt^l'l**"'^^ 
Ute M.I*. for Coyentry amount to £7,000 per annum. The %^ilJi^,'iTf!' 
dianty are the decayed members of tLst lam but n^..i*V. ^ i ?* *"" ™"»h « 
the-ritocraij. of tli coun^J^T^ho ^i *& "^^ ,1 :;;»:,': '^ 1"*- 

•ecure ftomtTie contamination of inferior paupers. U his hnw^vl i**''^''^' 
without some show of njason, been aUetedthS a nortinnVr 7 i^ P^rUnim tmt 
Bute Hospital might as well li\X"niS a fc^^ 

haye done the st^te some scryice ; and if thia yiew should bTrfoXSi" d^jj; 'J^ 
^ow of LuuTBNAKT Waghorh may be considered a w*riKv ^2 ^-3 J*'*"]** 
admission to b^ with. w amcnw a wonjiy c^iidirffttft f^xr 

A ym lUw MATEBUL.--BtR. Dmhabli says that the land is the landlord'. 
IJTi^*'*^''^ ' Md sou IS. But Undlords haye a much rawrr material In thi ^SS! 
of those bmiera whom they delude into contbuing to pay exoeasiye renU udZ 7k! 
falhMaouahopeofarMnaotmentoftheCorn-LaiS. ™» wow the 



SCENES FBOM THE LIFE OY AN UNPBO- 
TECIED FJOiALK 

ScsNE 11.— 7itf Bimi. Th Uxpbotbgtbb FbxaIiB «- 
eapn from th$ ka*d9 (/her CabAiMftOfi^r tm Ji^&r 
qf $toppaffet. proven, fean, nwtOMatrameet, kiggiiafft, 
and general nneomforieAleneetet rj all kmde, 

Unproleeied Female (be/ore tie Boat enlrance). Thank 

raess ! {Gazes eaoerlp round ier.) Oh ! I wonder whore 
Jones is P (JSl. FauP$ Clock eirikee <- Three.'*) Oh ! it 'a 

three o'clock, and I ought to have been here at two. UShe 
enter* the Comrl.) I thought he would haye waited, (lb 
the Stately Beadle in the coded hat.) Oh, please^ haa 
Mk. Jomes been here? 

I^alefy Beadle {vacantly). Jones P— There's a deal 
o' Joneses. 

Unprcteeied Female {with nnsoiieited communieatioeneei). 
It 's M&. Jones, who is in the City, and has always come 
with me to draw my diyidends ; and he said he would meet 
nie here to~day, at two: but the horrid cabman would jget 
inloft G^oppa^f, and it s past three, and I don't aee him; 
ai]d 1 're got till my papers here; ana if you pteak& do you 
tbink thF>'d give me the money P and where am I to go P 
and it ^s too bad of Mb. Jones ; for he knows I 'm not used 
to business : ard please, could you direct me to the Funds P 

Si&iei^ BeadU {whose attention ha* wandered a good deal 
during the atfoce^ Fust door to the right. 

Unprotected Female. Oh, thank you 1 
{Snters the door (/ the Botvnda^ which, it being a 
dividend day, isjUled with an average of hay^-a-doeem 
euitomers to each Clerk. 

Unprotected Female {looking about her in aUmm). Oh, I 
wish Mk. Jones was here. {Jddreseing herself to the near" 
est group o^ two verjf impatient CUjf Gents, an embttrrasted 
elderly lady, a deaf old gentleman, and a widow, all upon 
one Clerk.) Oh! please, I 'ye come for my diyidends. 
{Finding herself not mtened to, she raps the eouiUer.) Please, 
I 'ye come for my diyidends. 

Clerk {in the same breath). Two three fiye— how will yon 
have it F What d'ye make it P Eight four six eiicht and 
eight. Take it short P Seven three two. {Dispatches hi* 
group with incredible rapidity and good temper. To the 
Unfbotected Female.) Now Ma'am, please. 

U/yarotecled Female. U you please 1 'm come for my 
diyidends — 

Oerk {rapidly). Dividend Office. 
IDathes into the businet* <f the next ha^-doten customer*, 
leaving (he Unfeotectes Female m utter help* 
lessnets. 

Uimvtected Female. Oh, they wont attend to me. It's 
shameful! They duratn't treat me so if Mb Johm was 
liere {Fiolently thrusting herself ta the desk), but I must 
haye my dividends. _. . , , _ _. - _ , 

1*/. Customer (politely). Dividend pffic^ Ma am. 

%nd Cy*lomer {indignantly). It isn't here. Ma am. 

Srrf Customer {humourously) First door round the comer, 

^m Customer {savagely). Now. MaW get^t of the wj. 

Unprotected Female {oozing wretchedly from one to the 
vther). Oh, it's my dividends. 

aerk {with eontemptuou* ptty)- 

F^sS^'houghtfyigfo himeefn. Elderly lady. Long. 

iin'J it. Ma'am P^ ^J^^Xt^f^'v vou. I'm sure I didn't 
UmoUcted Female, Oh, ^^^^^^l^* herselftomMy 

know (^rrr fo ih^ HMfOst desk aitdaoa^ ^^^j^j^J^ 

infHtrlifuhr). Pl''*^oI'vewnieior^J^ whining open 
Vl^'i \sHsift0 a ditengaged momen* -w-r 

Trfiiif/ir /h»rjk). Wt^MnHineP^^^^^^^v eijP "What P 
IhprohHM F^mftfr {not ^ndersfamHng}. 
Offh WATTf' t^'tothe vvsi TheWsP 
fhpTtitfrif,d F^fnf»i^ ^jiSain the way— fourth desk 
mUMO teith hupenh ^' 



Here— FoBBESTEii— tell 



f'/-F^ ipoi/iiifip 

-th'Tf * 



¥?'!:;':t^zi-L^Z!ri^%P>''^ 



CLraE at the desk im^eated)' 







PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 



I 



{Rttmnin-i orer Ike " Watts*5 " toith hi9ji$tger in the Tratufer Book. 

VnproUt'Ud Ffmafe, Martha. 

CUrk. No MARTHAWATr here. Must \\vff mwJft a misfakc, Ma'ani. 

Umvrol-ffed Ftmale (ii fn-eai teretrhedrutt). Ob, they told me to come. 

Cl^rk. Ho»v tlo vou sprll »our DftiueP 

U^proUtfdFmaU 5. T^ 

CUrk iindiijnaitttjf). Then what do you come to the Ws for P You 
gave me name " Watt." 

UnprotetUd Female {fxplanoioriM. No, I wiid "What?" 

Ork. Weil, " Watt. That Jon't, brgin with S— T— 

Vnern^ettfd Female. No- my nfime isn't Watt. I only aaid " What." 
It *« Stbuggles ia my name — Mahtba StBt'oGLEa. 

CUrk [reluved and kindljf). Go to S. T. and give your name, and 
tbey Ml give you a warrant. 

VmprcttfUd FemaU. Oh— T don't want a warrant— I've come for my 
dividends. 

Clerk impatimitp). Te— Tc— Tc. Why don't you bring somebody 
wilh ymi ? 

Utfprotrc£^d Female {fftad rf the opoorittaitp, is about to esplain the de- 
ferti H fiovta) Oh, you see. Mr Jonks— 

Clfrk. Well— well— never mind Mr, Jones— go to Ihe STa— there 
{minting idtk his pen^ and take what they give you. Nnw, 6ir. 

[7b tha next Pafee. 

Vnprot-'etfd FemaU ^gaining the ST» at fast, teith unutual dtreclnei*), 
^Iautiia Sthcgolks. and I've conic for my dividends. 

Clerk \ditc vering the name). How nnich P 

Unprotected Female (plunging into her bog and bringing irp a handful qf 
popert). It's all down urre. 

Clerk {hastilp). Put it down. T^ow, ^la'am. 

[_Proceed9 to difpoee of other apphcanie. 

Unprotected Female inftcr performiHo a icries ofcompUcat:d calcnlatione, 
puts 14 h^r pfiper trivmphantlff). 'Ihai » it. 

Clerk reading out [tcagaf$htf). 280731! — two hundred and eighty-nine 
tlioiisanil, ^evcii Imndreti and thiny four pounds— Mn'am P 

Vnprotecteii Frmalc. No— no— two hundred and eighty-nine pounds, 
seven HhillinRs and t hret^-farthings, and I don't mind the copper. 

Cierk {rrf'trring tj bock). No luch sum under that name in Long 
Annui'ies. What stock. P 

Unprotected Female. In the Funds. 

Cierk. Bunk Stock, Consols, Keducod,Tliree-and-a-quarters, or Terms 
of veam P 

l/nvrote^ed F^ male Uolemnlp^ but with much alarm). No, it *a all in the 
Funoi. 

Clerk, Yes, but what Stock ? 

Unprotee/ed Female [in a tone intended to inspire rapeet). In the 
Governmenf Securiiirs, every farthing of it. 

Clerk ikuddenl^). Oh! you've got your Stock reoeinta there. Let 
me look. [Holding hie hand, 

Uttproieeted FemaU (suspidously). Ob, bat Mr. Jones said 1 wasn't. 
Thev *re my urcurilies. 

Clerk ihfrlf amu.<trd, half hopeleu arricitg at a resulf). Hold *em 
t'ght, Ma'itm; only le^ me look. Longs, and Three -an d-a- Quarters. 
iSfakej out the learrantfor the long Jnnuiu'e^ Stock.) Now, sign ihere, 
5la'»ni. {Fmahes the Dtvidend book ovfr to her. Unprotectkd FEMiOiE 
i> about to tcrite her name promiicuowly.) No, no. Opposite there 
—So. 

Unprotected Female ijfuddenlff seized leith a qualm). But you'll 
pay nie P 

Clerk. Dear, dear, dear ! Now. sign there. {Giving her the varraut.) 
So. ^Sigte.) Now, take that to the Kolunds, and they'll give you 
the money. 

Unprotected Female. Oh, but e&n't you, please? I'd rather have 
it here. 

Clerk. No. We don't pay here. There, it's that round room you 
came through. 

Unprotected Female. Ob, but I asked there sa I came on, and they 
wouldn't. 

Cierk. But they will now, if you show 'em that. Now do go, Ma'am. 
These gentlemen are waiting. 

[Fviutiug to a group which hae been jointlf and teverallv eoneipning 
the Unprotected Female to oery unpleatant place* during 
the nbooe colloquy. 

Unprotected FemaU (verp humbly to the group), I'm sure I'm very 
wrry— But Mr. Jokes— {Her explanation u cut ekort by a rush qf 
Payeei ; and the UHtnder* back to (he Rotunda. Addreuing First 
Qerky teho has his hands full already). Please could you pay me my 
dividends P 

Elderly Oentleman. Wait a moment, Madam. 

Unprotected Female. Tliey said you would if I showed you this. 
{Holding up warrant. KLUEiar Gentleuan is drspoied qf. 

Unprotected Female. Oh ! pleaiie. could you P — 

Bruk CUrk. There *» three before you, old lady. 

[Brisk Clerk u disposed (f. 

UnprotecUd Female Now, if you pleas^ 




Severe Widow (mth mueh aspetHy.) I beg yon 'U wait for your tnra, 

Ma'ant. 

Unprotected Female (in a tone <f dignified retort)* Oh I by all means, 
Ma'am. (Severe Widow is di*pc4ed ^.) Now, pteaae. my dividends. 

[Hmsii over warrant, 

Ffarnxied Cfcrk (snappishly). How do you make it ? 

Unprotected Female. Oh I I didn't make it. It was my poor XTvoiA 
ThoVas left it to mr. 

Harassed Oerk {glaring at her a* tetth a desire to amUkUaU her). Add 
it up. How mueh i% it ? 

Unprotected Female {with a rtryqfinteUsymce), Oh I it 's £289 7«. 0}^ 
But I don't mind the copper. 

Harassed Clerk (flinging back the wmmsnt). It 'a only for £800. 

Unprotected Femaie. Oh! then they 've cheated me, I thought they 
would. Here are my secunties. X^f^' ^^^^ Orrtifieates. 

Harassed Clerk (comprehending at n glance). £900 in Longs, I he rest 
in Tkree-and-a-quarters. If tou bring the warraat for the rest 1 '11 pay 
you. You can only have £200 on this— 

Unprotected Female {claiping her hands in dttpair). Oh, fhey didn't 
f^ive me auythinx but thai, and they said youM pay me if I showed it 
you— and now you won't — Oh— 

iiarojisfd Clerk (on the ve*ge of an esplosion). Bleaa the woman! 

Unprotected Female {oaMtttg suddenly from tha depths of despair to 
the summit tf felicity). On. there's Mr Jones! Oh, Mr. Jokks! 

[Htuhes towards that indioidual who enters the Rotunda ; all but 
falls inio his arms, and the Scemc dotes on her rapture qfreliif. 



k 



HALVING THE CENTURY. 




rsT now our table 
is cracking and 
groaniuff under a 
neap of letters on 
botti sides of the 
controversy about 
the completion of 
the Am half of 
the centurv. One 
correspondent il- 
lustrates tiis view 
by proposing that 
we should drink 
the half of a hun- 
dred barrels of 
stout in as many 
yearv.aud informs 
us tbHt half the 
hundred barrels 
will have been 
drunk so soon* 
but only so soon. 
as the Inst pot of 
the fiftieth barrel shall have been swallowed. Our only objection to 
this mode of deteniiininf; the question is^ that be has not sent us 
the means of trying his experiment. "We may apply similar observa- 
tions to the propoaitionfi of those who ask us to smoke so many bundles 
or cigars, eat so much cheet>e, and wear out so many suits of clothes in 
half a century. The quantities of these articles are represented as 
given quantities, but all we can say is, that we iiave not rrceived au^ 
of them. As to the matter in dispute, we need only remark, that if 
the year 1800 was the first year of the century, l&Ol was ttie ^cond 
year, 1849 the fiftieth, and the present year of grace, 1S50. is the fifty- 
first. If noL then otherwise. To us, the question would seeitt |>er- 
fectly clear, bvit for the following communication, which, being brief, 
we publish in extenso : — 

"Mr. PiracH, 

" My cousin Brunjxt, to my knowledge, was bom on January 
1, ISOO. If we are now begirtning the second half of the century, she 
must just have entered her fifty-first year. Yet a lady's word is unde- 
niable ; and all who have been acquainted with Biddt for the last 90 
years can testify that, during all that time, she has declared herself to be 
only thirty. 

" Your constant reader, 

"Tsittns FcGiT." 



Bogues in arain. 

A Co&RBsroKDENT of the Times says, with reforenoo to " Servanta' 
Poundage," " I know of one corn-dealer who invariRbly sends to bis 
west-end customers three and three Quarters for four bushels in every 
sack." If we were so treated by our corn-dealer through the 
connivance of our groom, we would send the former his com back again, 
and give the Utt.«r the sack. 



I 




Mr. Watiar BdviUe (»0JtUf*tMf). " I«imoiit41. Bin, inbkkd ! ! 1 mopld 

n«T LIKK TO K?t0W WHIIKI TOV WOULD RAVI BKKH, MT BdCH| IF I UaDK't 
— WT MO HATTXIL [^Jfit ffTWOfg. 



THE PROTECTION "DODGE." 

&flfkrittff Lnnil^vntr Oh a noiemn and $onf>mua low, itith a fffance at thefirtt- 
floor tetHifoie). My ky— ind fer— iends, I am wh— wnfd to app — cat be— fore 
yon, and to pi— po»c my mis — or— able state. • • • 

I am a Ian— Hrd prop — er — i — elor re— dooocd to jrer — eat mis — e— ry, 
ow— inir to the oom— pe— tition of the foreigner. There i^ a ger— eat 
many of as a$ bad off aa my — felf and the count — er— y i» a— britig mined 
all along off free— trade Sie Robebt Peil and Mjstzr Cob— dbk. 
We 'ave only twen — ly milliooB of money in the Bank, also an inor — rai«e 
of £S8.23S on the Cu«t— oms. also £371.899 on the Ex— ciae, and £94.W0 
oa the In — come Tax, pity the poor land— ow— ner re— doo— ced to mis — 
er— y wich they will soon low— er our rents, &c., &c. 

Oh, my kind fer— ienda is not this 'ard — Oh yparn a ter — ifte of pro 
Section for the poor land— owner— wich yon will nev — er feel the want 
of it jour— selves. 

My ky-bd fer— iends, ftc. Ac. da«<tpo, 

Mr. Polieeman Punch, Now then, you cadger, there, move on, will yoa, 
«nd don't be a gammonin' of the public. 



A TEXT WORTHY 01 COMMENT. 

" OaOBoa KniT a bnj ^c«l 14, waa jrat Id(o the box to ta avora, and IM 
Taatamcot wu put Into hi* IuuhI. B« lookud qnlta utm)lah«d Bpoa Uklnf botd 
of the txicik. 

** AH. lhmpim$> WeU. do yn kw> wk*( yoa ara attoitf Do yoa ka^vvtet 
an oaib lat 

"Bof. No. 

" AU. n. Do jrou know what a TaMMBSal k 

•Bos No. 

" Aid. a. Can roa raad ? 
-ft>ff. No. 

- Aid, U. Do T<m tvar my yoar prayait F 
"4hw. NOinerar. 

*'Am,B. DoroukDow what prayera an? 
" Bojf. No. 

" Md. B. Do yoa knov wliat Ood lat 
"Dot- No. 

"Aid.e. Do yuu kaowwhat the Der(| t4 ^i 
** B03. I 've h«nl (if iho rh-rll, but I ilim't know him. 
" Aid. n. What do j-rm know, mj poor buy I 
*'Svg. I knova bov to svocp iheorDanlDg. 
-Ald.B. And ihat'iall? 
" JBoy. Tltat 'n all. I cireepB the eruaalng. 



'- Tha AtdonDsn aald, b», of onanwt, onuld not laka 4bci erldenoa of • 1 
who kB«w nntMng wbatererofttie obllgattoo to tell the tntth."— n>/< Tmt*' Poltst 
Rvpcrt of WedneMla]', jao. 9. 

So. says the law, which the Alderman has to adminiater. Bitt 
are no*, these a conversntion and a result wor^h noting, jrood pcfiple 
of this wonderfnl time of Kailways, R pgcd Schools, Model 
LodgmR-houses, Soup-kitchen", ilofici Prisons, and oth^-r excellent 
crutches for helping along this sociefyof ours, which stiHstumblea 
souieliow, most sadly, in spile of tbemP 

Here is the raw material of a citizen — a boy well half way to 
mnniiood, who knows neither oa'h, nor book, nor prayer, nor God * 
has bul hrard of the Devil even — and whose sum and substance of 
knowIfdRcis "how to sweep the crossing — that 'a all." A crossing- 
SAeepiifg machine this, wiMi a superfluous soul in it apparently, 
— ihat no man, or set of men, has luonght it worth while to waken 
— a tongue that the law ties — a sort ot bnite biped in the eyes of 
ail— «ho, introduced !oa worthy Alderman and a police court, sud- 
denly hears of the oddesL things, oath», ami books, and prayer, and 
Goii, and Devil — ideas which had not developed Ihemaclves in 
crossing- sweeping. 

But though Society leave (his lump of Man to his besom and 
his blank ignorance of right and wrong, and I he powers 1 he eof,— 
ami t hough Law, when he risea to say w hat he has seen — lor he can 
«pcak — says to him, "No! Be dumb, brute, how shoulu'st thou 
lilt up ihy voice among m«n f "—this same Society anu l^aw would 
use a very dtflVr^nt rone, if once our bru'e bip'-d .^Imuld begin to 
develop himself brute frtsbion- if he shouU strike or hi e — or kick, 
or lake lo dalisfy hU lunger — to prey, in short, wiM-beast-like on 
the world in which be is as a wiw beast. Then Society would bo 
alert with its policemen, and committing magistrates and cells- 
and Law with ita judges and jurief, and learned harrister», all 
arrayed to deal justice upon thi.s poor neglected brute, as if he 
were a man. 

A strange sight and one worthy of being weighed in these 
times aliove all others. Oor blunt ancestors went roundly to Wai k. 
If they saw without concern bnite men gathering and growing 
about tbcn>, tliey flogged, and imprisoned, snd ironed and raokeo, 
and hung, with hsht royal hru'atiiy of punishment. But now w« 
have changed the U'ter half of their systtm, while we leave the 
lornter unaltered. While the animal sleei s, we let hioi sleep. But 
onc^ let him w&ke to show the ai.in al in act, and we niake a man 
of him. His cage mubt be comfortuble, — with "a regard 
shown to his leelings" — his diet must be varied and sue- 
ctUent — he must have awret air onoush — and cleanjiness — and all, 
iu faC, that was denied him till the orute propensities awoke to 
ac ive life! 

If any painter of our new Houses of Parliament WMst an allegory 
for our Great Britain, we give him this— 

Let bim paint a great tree with a vrorm at the root; with 
healthy boughs and withered; with 6ne fruit and sickly; here 
blossom, and 1 here blight ; and Benevolence, and Piety, and States- 
ninn^hip, carefully nipping a soabby fniit off this bough, and as 
oarefuliy nursing a dwarfed flower on tliat ; and the crowd round 
about clappiBg tlieir bauds and applauding the mighty work of 
improvenient; and all I he while, a new scabby fruif, and a new 
de'ectivr fluwer, appearing for each that ts nipped off. or nursed 
into sicklv coinelinesa; and a few poor timid speotatora hinting 
tha', "All this work about fruit and bloMom, is vain, while 
50tne'liing must bo wrong with the roots;" and nobody 
I'stcniiig to them — and the worm working and working towards 
the heart of the tree, and "very general satisfaction with our 
pro.*pecta.'* 



4 
4 




THE PROTECTION "DODGE. 



Si^eri^'Q Landholder (tn a soUmn and toncrokt ton^, v>ith a gfanee at th$ pttjtoof trwrfoip).— Mt kt— ikd per— ibni>s, 1 aK 

ASn— AMED TO Al'P— EAR BB— POBE TOO, AND TO II— POBE MY MI8-EE— ABLE 8TATR. • • • 

I AM A LAN— DED PHOP— EK— I— ETOtt RE— DOOCED TO OER— E\T MIS— 1 — RT, OW — IHO TO THE COM— PB— TTTtOK Of T«B 

TouriONER. There is a ger — eat kant op cs as had ofp as mv— sklp, and the Couwt— be— t is a— being rotxed all 

ALONG OP PREE— TRvDE Sitt VOBKRT PPIL ARD >USTBR CoH— DEK. \Yb 'avK QNI.Y TWEH— TT MILLIONS OP MONBT IN THE BaNK. 

ALSO AS iscK— EASE OP £39 335 ON the Cost— 0M8, also £i>7l,S99 os tki tx-cisa, abd £«*,960 ob the In— come TaI, pitt 
tita POOR Laud— ow— NRB, &c. &c. 



I 



PUNCH. OR THE LOiVDON CHARIVARJ. 



27 



ALL THE TOWN'S A SLTDK. 

All the town 'a a slide, 
And ill the men and women merely fik&ters. 
Ther have their ^lippioRV and their fluaoderings. 
And one man in liis life has many falls : 
His fate havinf^ seren stages. At first, the bfant, 
Bliiveriag aod shaking in tiis nurse's arms ; 
And then tbo shuffling sohool-boy, with his bigblows 
And iiobnailed sole and heel, cu(tin^-out nlides 
Instead ot ^m? to school. And then the luver, 
Bigbing like furnace, till wiih wofful tumble 
He and his mistress lie low. Then a xoldier. 
Wearing odd skates, acd bearding all the park ; 
Jealous or otherv, sudden and quick in turning. 
Seeking the bubble reputaiioa 
Even m the deepest holts. And then the iceman 
In fair round hat, with a good cape on, lined 
\Vilb oilskin ciear, and coat ot formal cut. 
Full of ice-saws and modern instrunicnti ; 
And so Ke plays bin part. The sixth stage slips 
In'o the lean and »lippery pantaloon, 
With ictcle on nosr, hud slick in hand. 
His luuia-rubbcr shoes a world too large 
for hi« sbruitk ftei ; and his poor trtfinbling knces 
Stra^gUntr apart, like childish helplessness. 
He tuujblea on the ground ! Last scene of all 
That ends this cold and Irosly history 
Is a sharp wind — upsetting every one, 
Sana sLiolt, sans cloak, sana hat, sana everything. 



HORRIBLE EFFECT OF THE CHAMBER OF HORRORS. 

SOCH is the infiiience of evil example, that we sliall be haying our 
doll-niakers taking Ibeir models from the uasemblaee of waxen horrom 
in Baker Street. Men are but children of a larger growili, and if full- 
stzed people can be amused by murderers cot up as mere dolls ^be sixe 
of \i\t, it is to be exp-cied that ilie smaller Iiy will take delight in 
havini^, as puppeta to amuse their play hours, the miniature repre* 
acnUtiiona of tnose atrocious monsters in whom their parents take on 
intereaK 

The very prospect of such a profAniition of one of the most pleading 
instincts ot fitllc Rirlhood— a love of dolls— is sufficient to inspire us with 
adflicrminalion to put down a nuisance, which is bad enough when it 
corrupta the taste of our elders, but which becomes ten times more 
odious when ii aeema likely to bring contamination upon our female 
jtiTe&iles. 



A^^. 



-^^4'i»r^^jiK> 



aiS, PXAa, WHAT A aWEST doll MA-A MAS KAfiC poa MB.' 



Th« Bath «nd Wftah-house for Old Mastera. 

A ORXAT deal has been said both for and agairst the picture-cleaning 
at ilie Nktiuitttl Gallery, ll seems undeniable tl<nt the clfbiiinic of tlir 
old iMdSlers biings out their tints, but unfortunately, with such strength 
aa to lay bare their canvas. 




THE LATEST ADDITION TO THE BRITISH STAGE. 

New character has latelr aprongnp into tbo pantomimis 
sphere. He ia — aa little ooya should be — seen, but not 
heard. His name ia the J^oriie. All hia talent ia con* 
oentratcd in hia body, arms, and legs. He is kicked 
about, thrown about, tumoled, twiated. and turned 
about in all poaaible and impoasible directions. One 
moment he is a wheelbarrow— the next he is a human 
cracker, bounding across the stage, and ultima ely dis- 
appearing through a chemia''s window. He prrfcn 
walking on hia hands to hii feet. His akin ia niostlf 
greepf when not red — but if It ia not red, then i' la 
mostly green with red stripes. His hraa is sonieiimra 
furnished with a pair of crimson horns, and his ejes, 
when he winks and oglea at tlte gallery, are not 
pleasant to look at, though generally rewarded with 
a loud cry of " Bra>To ! '* 

The Sfrt-iie is on familiar ternta with the dene* and Pantaloon, and 
allows them to take what liberties ibey pleaae with bim. He is open to 
all sorts of blows, smacks, and insult*, and only skips and luoibles the 
merrier fur them. The more be is kicked, the better he is nteased, and 
he rarely leaves the stage without some bodily affront. He rt-spcotj^ 
however, the ColvwLine, excepting iu the 6rst scene after the changes, 
when he joins hands wiih ber wittiout any pride, previous to falling flat 
upon hia face with CUacm and Pantaloo*, by express order of HorUquiiCt 
wand. But it is in thr lasi soene wliere he is the grandest. Look for 
him in the final *' Bower of Sugar Candy," 
and you will see him on bis head, standing on 
the topmost bar of the glittering Cfige of 
wickerwork. He ia tbo crowning glory of the 
evening. If there ia a "Catarac of a Thou- 
sand Battles of Champagne." wherewith to 
send every one home madly intoxicated with 
the evrntng'a rfmtomime, ^ouwill behold the 
^ritc dMigling by bis feet in an oo^an of t>lue 
tire, kiFsinK his hands ex'aticaly to the pit. 

The Sprile is proud of his high position, and 
he has one great virtue, which many a Uowk 
might borrow from him wirh sdvanttige— he never talks. There is 
another p-culiar merit about hia caou'cbouc performances; and that 
is, like buxiDg-Day, be onlv comes once a year. It ii especially fot 
this rare merit that we rank the Spriia far higlier on the English 
S'age than many other performers whoui we could mention. The ^priU 
haa so ideniiOed himself, body and bone4, with the British Stage, and 
haa obtained so tirm a liuld round the necks of down. Pantaloon^ and 
the BriMsh Public.tliat uuthtDtr short of the total anniljdaUon ol Oeoiye 
BartiKfll, or the sudien coiilUgration of all the copies in the worlu of 
Jane tiAorv, cao possibly kick him olT those buaros that bare been so 
nobly trod by Gbimaldi. and atill feel the stupendous stamp ol ToK 
MATHiwa. 




CORN AND CROWN. 

Tfs existence of the Monarchy is to depend upon the re>enaotraei)t 
of the Com Laws. Queen Victokia'b Cro»n is to be secured in the 
sack of Protection or— or— but let Me. RoptR, wlio spoke a day or 
two ago, at the Dublin County Meeting, apeak the threat fur himsell — 

** ' GcnUemeD,* aald Ma. CBASLaa Rons, ' If wt an t« bftr« Am«rleui pricM for 
provUJotu, TUX pBorut at LSJiuTy wijo. axva AitaaiCAir raicai voa OovaavMarr.* ** 

And we are told that this observation was received with rapturous 
cheering. If com is to range below &0#., Ui Mh. Switt. the keeper of 
the Crown Jewels, look warily to his charge— if Indian cobs conie in 
duty free, what a blight upon that bed of strawberry-leave», the House 
of Lords 1 If the landlords do not protect high rents, they will have 
cheap Government. Thus — awful 'o consider I's ultiiiiate end! — the 
very chair taken by the Cavalier DisEasu at Bucks, may beoome the 
official seat of Peescdeht BenjauI}( at t5t. James's t 



LAZARUS 8HUNAMITK. FLORIST. COVKNT-OARDEN MARKET, 
UkcH thli oppoTttiDltr— tbi TbtFMtnm Mnfg now lo fuU blow— «f lufnnBltic 
ACTRESSES In gvneral. tbit hn cunltnun ta supply bouinieU af all w>rU and itxat, 
to ht flimir te Udlci of trvrj cra^«. during tb« ptaM, or on UM Ml of ttks enruUD. H« 
hastiouqnatfl cooataDUy od baud fur oTerybody, froa lo^p JftuMA dawn to tittU IKeltit 
— the tiigli trHgwIjr Ixniquvl— tbu prUum tlunna bowiMi—aiid tba bouquet for oooiia 
chftnibftnnaldA. 

Tbn bcvquiu are arrmngwl afWr tho Oriental fashion, h that tb« actrvM haa a 
noft«^y uid a ertddam In ibo Mama bunch,— arery Oovar aaanUn ioBaihliig. Tba 
vijnnnl'MK vary tt'.rm "beautUul" — " ilrliriinii " " nnrtliral." ta tha anlTCril arntciwa 
" Ernty Evsnlax, IT ]rna plaaM, until Further Ntftloal'* 

AotTMiaf or Hanaitara trwitacl with, alihvr nightly, fcr tha ran ofa piece, or fbr tka 
ivIm>I« aesjuo. Ordera for iMPDfnata [and th« Boaaa] pvnoittany attcoAad to. 



B deligtit in picking up itrt^ ■trawa of duu 
racter, and balaccing Ihem on our mind** nose 
— Tor tf ihi uiiml hu an tfo, of ooorte it must 
luTe a nose. 

Tiie lUilwv »t'iU abounds in charact«ra^ 
though so Biainr have reorntly been tost there. 
It baa beos at Woolvc^rtfin. HinaiAuhani, Derby, 
•ad muy otber stations ot preasing hunger and 
ihint, that ye bnvo dcToured— n<vw villi a stale 
bun, now wih a ba^in of l»ot soup iu our hand 
— tho following liiile delicious bit of character. 
It anawera to Ibe name of— 




Tifli BaiLwar oEraBanMEHT oru. 

How prelLy she is I Y"u jump from the *ram 
wi'h mx hours' acounmta'ion of appe ite. Your 
hungry eyes survey the ilock of piw'ry and pork 
pies ihai- are amnged niathen.aticaily on the 
Board of Il)-Healih berore you« and, in the 
templing variety, you arf> pr.Tz\t-(i uhich to 
cbooae. A fairy form with a hionde cap tti't 
before you, and your indrciMon grows ^rrateTt 
A silyenr litlie voice, no bigger than a fuurpennr 
piroe, asks you " what you will pirate to l^ke r* 
and in tt'e nervou-ness of your throat, you 
nairmur oo'iingly, "Turtle, real lurlr." The 
n*xt riinufe i* iiKuded vou a ^ouo-pU'e, swim- 
ming full of ox-toils— and mechaniciilly you dip 
the silver spoon in'o it. You have »cald<-a 
yourself, of course — but wha'. mutter P One 
glance from those loving eyes, and the pain 
has sweetened iu^o pleasure. The plate is 
still before }ou, and you keep, blowing^ bbwing 
—or rather sighing, signing;— but your eyes and thoughts are fixed on the moving Graee beforr^ you. 

H'jw good-natured she is t She has smiles and change for every one. Her hands fly over I he table as nimblr as those of a Oennan professor 
over ibe piunoforle. She plajs on the teacups with the rapidity of Thaiakbo. Harmony secois to flow from her flogera, and ceeh gtisa 
she touches becomes a nuisicdl eUss. 

But though ihr Railway Refr»bm^ni Girl plays so adntirably. yet she \s rarely heard to sing. Talk to her as much as yon please, she 
seldom replies. The fact Li, she discourses with siuiles, siid each smile is as good as a song, looking almost as if it said aluud, " Will Ibou lore 
me then as nowF" 

Neatness waits on each li'tle sotion she performs. She puts in the sugar to the ne^s herseJf, screws up the mouth of each paper ba|r so 
tighMy that the mixed bi:<cuits will not fall out, and never bands "coppers" (Shame that she should touch such things !) exccptlsK in 
the handsomest envelope of brown paper. 

Hrr dre.t| is a study for a milliner. Her oap would win a smile from the most captious Utile griuUe, and the gay, fluttering, strings, never 
obtrude I bemstlvrs into the coffee, or th^call's-fooi jrlly, or improper places. Hrr apron is after tlie pattern of aprons that are worn by 
stace wax' ing-niaid\ only much prettier. Her gown shines like a summer's day, and brightens your eyes io look at it, Takeheralto- 
ffethcr (otJy the counter prevents thai. !j you woula say tliai she lived all her life in a Fiench Fashion-Book, and only came down upon eftrth 
for certain five minutes every day to feed a drove of sta-^vmg passengers. 

Is sbe moflalF For apparently she does not require the vui^r sleep tliat other mortals in bright petticoats cannot dispense with. 
Drop upon her at what hour you will, the Railway Hcfre^bment Girl is alwa>s the same. At five o'clocic in the morning she looks as 
sun&binv as at noon; a*; ten at night her eyrs pour out as much brightness as in the ntiddle of the day. Her dress, too, never betrays 
the smallest loof^epin of hurry, or negligence. You can generally tell the time of day bv a lady's hair; but. it is quite impossible to pay what 
hoiir it IS— whi-ther A.H. or PH.— {rom the neat little head before you. Who ever saw a Hatlway Refreshment Qirl in curl-papers P She lives 
in perpetual ringlets. 

Tour heart is at her feet— if feet she has any— for nono are to be seen ; and she appears to walk on wings. Toor reverie deepens at 
every glance : your admirrttion is sunk to the depth of an Artesian well, and overflows all your nature ; when suddenir a sharp bell wakes 
Tou up to life again. Timidly, you ask what there is to pay? and, leaving your soup and your heart, behind you, hurry out, none the 
Lappier for iho cliango ihat is ringing with a hillow sound in your wais'coH'-pockrt next to your bea'ing bosom. Your appetite is un- 
i^eased, but your thoughts are full^ and for hours you feast on the sweet reooilectiocs you have imbibea, if nothing else, fiom your 
tnterriew with the Railwat Refkeshment Gr&L. 



4 

4 



HOPE FOR HUDSON. 

T01 Chr^nicU^ in ■ ver? philosophical arlicle on the treatment of 
spots and s'ains, shows how the^ majr be discharged by proper means 
— shows how dirt, though inch-thick, icill rub off reputations, when the 
dirt is well-dried. 1 

" Tboa [flKr" t^ Chrmid*. bwlhlny hape to HoAaoallo the caanm of net nimy yean, | 
byUMeflKtnr« pni'Icnt Bliraoc, snd t dvcnnm* roUirtn^nt (Vum otMcrvBtlao, « dl>- ' 
graesd pobUc m*u oot unrrvMlKoUy rrxrrtt* his MtamitrT, knd - albvlt itigMl^ damagtd ' 
IB Audi* ^ tk»tt who raaMktnr tht elttmataiMM U hi* cut— if h« liaa flCHira|« 
•Doa^ to|iut Kgmid fMwupon Uw in«tler,w«y waw h\» yot^iim^ 

Contemplating this sentence, we leaned back in our chair, looking — j 
as is our wont when in meditation — upward to tbeeeilint; and there- 1 
npoD, in a few seconds, we rtsdj or seemed to read, these lines : 

" From the Morning Po»t, Teb. — , ISfiO. 

"LMtnl«ht,alt04«l 800 of (lwi«Miwnd;v««r««ntarUln«l brOCxTMil HoMOV, Ba4, , 
who. ftftf r a n!tin<m»nl bC koma yeum, ta MfuaqoenM of dftlMie ti«»ltli. ibnogh not 
UuUgtiUoD, u gcMnlly bttUrsS, bu acftla imcamad to % brllUant aad noEMroiia 
clKl«,ofwUafaha WM Lb byevBttfo^tbtaml ■aA«rwa«Dt ; aad wboM looc-lUBaBUtl 



AlMwnoe has Ihrown oouslonal tf nam awar Chosa fiurioH wlan (tbs amotloa eoald not 
»lwftr« bo vuppnnsf) sona klad volos baa wblmr'd, " I wUb he wera here." Wa 
fjimiot r1v« ■llrt of tlMomqiMif ; BoiBae It to mt.Ii wu oompcwedof the leading stara 
orrathlon; of alt that mates lift wlsi^ and good, and twblv, aod brlllUot, DanciDC 



wu kept lip antn a lai* hmr, aad tlia aaeMr wae of a tuuet pmftiM jtud eoMly dMcrit^ 
tfon. We are happr to hoar that, called Vif ttte Qna&lniotu voice of tbn wn«Htu«Dcr, 
Ma. HiTpeaNcoeadoTTi tn lUnil fur BnnderUni] next week. Be wiU, of coiinie, be 
tehimed with ono bant of triimipiL By t)in way, one email loddeat dut epeak tl« 
aralable rood-aattira of the riiA mod worthjr geaUemao. Tbongh m»ob preued br 
tlmn, he has. at the reqaoaCof the elttscu of York, consented to ill for aiuMhar ftafl- 
fength, for their UaneleD Uouae. Candnwenrion like title U abore all oommeQL'* 

And this was the handwriting on the ceiling with the fottahadowed 
dat«ofl860. 



LONDON VTLK AND LONDON WATEB. 

Tub principal difference between Lrndon Milk and Ivondon Wafer, 
after tiaving been subjeottrd to a careful anatvsii, appears to be prettf 
nearly as tollows :— In the case of I^ondon Water tou esprc' to find 
water at the bottom of the chalk : whereas, in the ease of London 
Milk, you may be sure to find chalk at the bottom of the water. 



I 

i 




LONDON CHAl 



NELSON'S DAUGHTER. 

The hard frost set in at an unlucky hour. We bare i^, upon vhat 
we would fain take us authnrity, that just as certain dignirarita of ttie 
two professions of arms— the Field-Mar»lmla and tbe Admiral*— liad 
warmed thtmaelves into & late deternunalion to become tlie bud of a 
Committee lo keep Kelson's Horatia from the palronasre of France 
—a visilaMon threatened in lofticBt wording by the rresiaent— Must a* 
the head* of the Nayy and Army had resclved to appeal to the English 
nation in aid of Nelson's dauRbter. tlie frost set in— the quickailvrr 
dropl in Ibe gUss, and witt* it fell the sympathy of Marshals and 
Admirals. Like Mi^ciuusEN'a trumpet, their »pirils were frozen 
in tbeir marliat bodiei. 

Olhennise, and had only the frost held off, we should have seen ere 
this, ihe name of the DutE ov Wellimgtok, with the names of all ihe 
Waterloo men, of the men of Trafalgar, shining— shin inj in a cluster- 
like the beat of their own blood-bought stari. They would have bcpn 
Kathered together, the lustrous Couiniittee—*ith power to add to their 
brilli8nls—k)r the purpose ol viuUicating the right of Nelson to the 
gratitude of EnglisLmen ; a rigbt. living and beating in the veins of bis 
child. Bat juit at the moment, the frost as we say, sot in, and 
Murshats and Admirals, with their Bngers prepared for the operation, 
could not— Ibey were so cold- unbutton their pockets. 

Wc know that the name of Nelsom is aUeadv chargeable. Excise, 
or Customs, or Assessed Taxes, have one of tbe nibbles out of the 
many thousand, at the daily subitance of the EngUshman, such nibhlci 
put together, making these pensions (without a word upon the sum 
that bought the Nklsos lands.) thus allotted— 



Eaiil NBUoy.MDofibetMpbrwd'ADJUiut, NcLSba 

CooimLM or NiLCOM, ■rU'o of tba Kbora 

DowAaaa ComrriM. widow of Um Ailinlr&l'i nepbaw 

TonAineorNBLSuit 



caono 

1000 
90OO 

saxo 



Tliis is a good sum; very handsome salaries enjoyed upon the luck 
of alliance with hero's blood heroioiDyshcd. As for the Earl Admiral's 
brother, who inherited the profits of Trafalgar, and bobbed in for Ihe 
coronet that missed the deiid— he was in heart aaJ soul as much allied 
to the sailor, as a barnacle upon the coppers of the Firtoru was a portion 
of her heart of oak. Neveribcless, they took pABaoN Baknaclx, and 
gilded his simoniacal head with a coronet, and he — kcepinjr iho tenor 
of bis way— cheated Lady Hamilton, duly robbing the sailor's child^ 
Ncuoh's oiphan lloaATiA. Whereupon, the Prince op Wales 
wrote letters of sympathy that, like all such epistles from his royal 
hand, were by no means worth the ink that blotted the paper. 

In the meanwhile, Hob-atia's mother dies. The woman to whom 
England was indebted for the intflligencethat made victory sure— for 
it took Nelson alongside I he French tlect — dies in a corner of Calais and. 
with liHle other than a pauper's funeral— (two Englisbwomen clubbed 
old silk petticoa's to serve for a pall) -was laid in earth, now turned to 
a tinibcr-^ard. The Parson Earl did not erect a handVbrcadth of stone. 
Yet, to him, stone must hare been cheap enough. The man must have 
carried a quarry inside of him. 

Nevertheless, England is very grateful to the memory of her hero. 
England buys a magnificent es* ate for Nelson's black brot her : England 
dresws tbe par*on as Ehrl, and gilds him and his successors— and wives 
to boot,— inch-thick wiih the alchcn y of the tax-man. And so we 
hououred the hero Nelsok. We honoured him at St. Paul's ; and we 
honoured him. dressing up a human lay-figure in bis name— in the 
I House of Lords. . . 

^ft And still, we honour Nelson in his Traralgar ooat. Por is it not to 

^1 be seen in a shrme of plale-gUsa at Greenwicli P There it lies, a thing 

^1 of daily honour— open to all worshippers. 

^m And do we not honour Nelson in tbe very bullet— in the mortal bit 

^1 of lead that deprived Hokatia of her fatlier, to be exposed by her 

^1 fathcr'a brother? Yea; we do honour even to that bit of misctuef. 

^1 since associated with the fate of Nelson— for only a while ago did not 

^1 pRJKCK Albeet receive as a precious gift, that bit of Irad ; and did he 

^1 not— if Court historians write truly— in a very graceful speech, express 

^H his v^ue of the gift, and his determination to treasure it as a dearest 

■ 

^1 We honour ibe Nelson coat — we honour the Nelson bullet— but 

^1 Nelson's child, Nelson's living flesh and blood, are not of such value 

^1 u moth-eaten woollen, or an ounce of old metal 

L 



As. however, the Lords of the Admiralty permit the Victory \q be 
shown, and, as where Nilson was shot is roaracd hy an engrRvedpUte 
— WAsuggesK to tbrm the eligibihiy of cutting a till-slit through the 
plank where Nelson fell, and placing a money-box below, with another 
plate above, thus marked— 

"fiUBacEiPiioKB roa hoblatu." 

In this way. Nelson's counirymcD, desirous of contribul ing to a Fond 
for Nelsom'i daughter, will know in what place to deposit tbeir money. 
Wc do Lot buRgcst Ihia without due cause, for. at thu moment, we are 



beset by a difficulty, having received a subscription for Hoiutia, which 
is worded thus : — 

"riVE I<OUNI>8 TQVl IIlRATIA 7R0U AN OIJ) MAlI}." 

Now, as the frost has prevented the formation of IheCorimiilter, and, 
indeed, as the bod)* of Marshals and Admirals niay never thaw to 
cougenial point again, we know not what to Ho with the subscripLi'on 
forwarded by our Correspondent, "An Old Maid," whose good heart 
shows that she deserved the best of husbands, and that b'lsband the 
very beat of tailors. Any way. Me will wail a few days for tlie prubablo 
formation of the Committee. If, however, the bard frost seems hkely 
to continue — and if, again, tbe Lords of the Admiralty will not 
comply with our suggestion, by establishing, in default of grra'er 
measures, a subscrintion-box aboard tbe fidory, so that we may forward 
the £5 to the fund there to be garnered— then, and with deep regrcf, 
we must return the money to tbe kind hand that sent it forth upon its 
journey of goodness — upon its task of true and gentle sisterhood, — to 
be further directed where the hand shall it list. 

But let us hope better, both from tbe Lords of the Admiralty, and 
from a genial thaw. 



TEE NEW HOUSE OF COMMONS. 

AViNQ been adaiit- 
ted to a private 
view of this great 
national eatablisU- 
ment which is — 
like a pert child— 
in a state of great 
furwardurs*, we 
proceed to give a 
aescnpliouot what 
we observed. Over 
I he Speaker's chair 
is a gallery intend- 
ed (or Udies ^hicli 
is screened with 
metal work^ an ar- 
rangement in very 
bad taste, for the 
ladies tliemselvea 
would be "iiielal 
more attractive-" 

The floor of the 
House is of iron, 
which ii very hard 
indeed for ALa, 
"^^*' O'CoNNELL. and 

other members, who may have a faiUeue for dying on the floor ot 
the House, ana who may not be prepared for taking in good part 
this touch of irony. The \^indowB wDI be filled with stained glaaSi 
reprrsenting armorial bearings, which is crtainly an odd sort ot 
compliment to the persons whose shields are represented, for it stains 
all their scutcheons. The length of the chamber ia 62 feet, which is 
nearly one third less than the Lords— an arrangement of which we 
cannot guess (he cause ; for the Lords are not likely, we suppose, to 
go ffreater lengths than the Commons. 

The height of the building is 45 feet, which will allow Cfrlain eccen- 
tric members to go to their usual height of absurdity. The Houses of 
Parliament arc to be connected with Westminster Hall by anenormoui 
archway and a magnificent flight of stepf, which it ia expected will 

Erovc to be one of the most remarkable flights of fancy ever attempted 
y any architect. Tbe cloi&tets are undergoing restoration : for it baa 
been found thrit the beauty of the work in these "vaulted aislea," 
readers it impossible for a "vaulting ambition" to do auythins but 
" overleap itself," in an attempt to unprove them. 




Windaor TbeatricaU.-8halupeare BoTived. 

Jatlivs Caiar and Henry th Fourth are to be acted before the Court 
at Windsor in February when, in accordance with the spirit of recog- 
nition that complimented the dramatists last year, Shacspeaub will be 
duly honoured. As, however, in hit case it is found impossible to com- 
mand him to Court, tbe Chamberlain has received orders to proceed 
tD due form to Stratford Church, and then and there to prescut the 
bust of the immortal Bard with a handsome eoat of while-wash. After 
such painting of the lily, Shaxspeajie mtat look up ! 

a koyal daupeb. 
Tm papers inform us that tbe King or WiRTEiUERn has dissolved 
his diet, by which wc understand ihat hii diet being rather too atrooS 
for him, he has dissolved it by throwing cold water nil over it. 



80 



PUNCH* OR THE LONDON CUARIVARL 



SHOEOTG THE DUZE OP WEUINQTOH. 




Wb are sonrr to say, that the City has lately held the Hero of Waterloo 
■0 oheai>, that London has been, what is vulgarly called, smokiBR the 
Duke vith TolQmes of its celebrated smoke, until every statne of hii 
Grace haa become thoroughly graceless from the quantity of soot by 
which it is shrouded. We know that Wxlukoton swept erervthing 
before him on the Continent, but hi^ statue at the Boval Excbange, 
looks as if he had swept everything behind him, including toe chimnies in 
the rear, as well as all the flues of this ^reat metropolis. We do not 
wonder at the Iron Buke being black in the face, with the neglect 
he has been made to experience. He that never showed an alteration 
of countenance at the fire of the enemy, has positively changed oolooi 
at the fire and smoke of the citizens. 

We know that every statue may exclaim, "To this complexion must 
we oome at last ;" but sorply the Ramoneur may provide something in 
the shape of a remedy. We would have the Duke first thoroughly 
swept, and then kept regularly hearth-stoned every week; for hi» 
prf sent condition is really a most distressing one. When the wind is 
northerly he receives in his ear the whole ot the smoke from the Bank 
parlours, while a western breeze turns tlie whites of his eyes into bUck 
with the culinary apparatus from t)ie Mansion House. We are not 
favonrable to what may be termed Hero Wash-up in its ordinary sense, 
but we woald certainly have the hero of Waterloo undergo a regular 
W&sh*up once or twice a year should occasion require. 



MAKING VERY LIGHT OF IT. 

A Mb. Da&t, who seems actuated by the most laudable aims, haa 
lately been lecturing on the philosophy of a candle. Though the 
subject is a simple one, we thmk that a candle, in judicious hands, 
might stiL* serve as one of the lights of the age, notwithstanding the 
advance that gas has made, wherever it can nnd an opening. The 
philosophy of a candle must, at all events, put us up to snuff, and if an 
enlarged view is taken of t he world of candles, the " mould of form " 
will oome in for its due share of illustration. To those who are not 
prepared to take a bold plunge into the retpons of tallow, it may be 
oonveninit to take a dip with the accompiisfaed lecturer. It may 
seem like going back m the world of i^hilosoptiy to return to the 
common candle, but revenons it nos momiom is a maxim that is not at all 
times to be discarded. The philosophy of the candle will, no doubt, 
bring to light some carious phenomena, as to how many times one 
pound of candles, whicb, by the ordinary rules of duration, will not go 
into two eandlestioka, may be found to pro easily into one graaseirat. 
We do not wonder »t the iUwmiimti MiBBg on a ouuUe la a menu of 
ganentl enlightenment. 



THE BOND STBEET MENDICANTS. 

Jb U sMJiff adoui ike Sireeit to a JPtalm-iwu, accompaiikd 2y m 
Orffan, b^ a Part^ <f Dukei^ Lordt, and *8^r€t, M tkt 
HabilimeiUt appropnate to their Caute, 

Solo A5D Choktis. 
yz kind Christian friends, subsisting by your laboart» 

With shame in this state we before you appear, 
Kedticed thus to beg from our poor hard-working neighbooia ; 
Embarrassments, believe us. 
And difficulties grievous. 
The reasons are why you behold us here. 
C4«rtM.^Reduoea thus to beg, &c. 

Restore na the Corn-Laws to keep our rents from falling 

The bread that you eat this is asking, we know ; 
But haying before us a prospect so ^palling 
Of moat extreme privation, 
Through Free-Trade legislation. 
Upon your cbuitv ourselves we throw. 
CAtwM.— Heaueed thus to beg, fto. 

You know not what 'tis to put down a stud or carriage, 

To give up a kennel, a yacht, or a tour, 
Abaadon the hope of an advantageous marriage^ 
Curtail display and splendoui^ 
And influencR surrender; 
Strangers to such afflictions are you poor. 
Chona. — Reduced thus to beg, sc. 

The farmers at last have begun to growl and grumble, 

Upon them we cannot much longer rely, 
A ud therefore we pray you, with supplication humble. 
To tax yourselves to ease us, 
And starve that vou may please us. 
Our incomes raised by famine prices high. 
Cionrf.— Reduced thus to beg, &c. 

KrNO Alfred his loaf with the mendicant divided ; 

\ e workmen, share yoors with the poor *sqnire and peer : 
Oh, let not our piteous petition be derided ; 
But giving bade Protection, 
That we and our connexion 
Mav live in clover, make your own bread dear. 
Ckomt, — Reduced thus to beg, &e. 



GOING, GOING. BUT NOT GONE. 

I!v£RV now and then we are startled by a false alarm — and we are 
very happy to find the alarm is a false one— of Lord Dehkav being aboofc 
to retire from the chief-juaticesbip of the Queen's Bench on acooont 
of illness. Whether anybody's wish is father to the thought, or 
whether nothing is farther from the wish, or whatever the case may 
really be, it is quite clear that the cry of ** Going, ^ing," which is con- 
stantly f^ot up in reference to Lord Denmak. is one that finds no 
response iu tne mind of that distinguished judge, who is by far too 
good a judge to resign without reason an office ne fills with so much 
gracSj learninj;, and dignity. 

Tbe cry is mvariably accoinpanied by the old air of the " CampbelU 
are coming \" and if LoRD Denhan should be. as we are, tired to 
death of the tune in question, it will be entitled to the nsme^f the 
tunc llie judge died of. We smcerely hope it will never earn ineh a 
hateful celebrity. We do not question the proprietr of LoBD 
Caupbell's succeeding to the Queen's Bench when there is a vaeue^ 
but, notwithstanding his success in " The Uoe* pf the CU^ Jmeticm, 
we hope tbe life of Lord Benican as chief justice will be iffolonged, so 
as to prevent Lord Caufbrll from having an opportunity jost yet of 
attempting his own- 



Shameful Libel. 



Ths Mtffmmff Fott says, in allusion to the Windsor play^ 
'^ Tha pUvan' Tanitv kM lieen the ohm of tlia waSmn drmma ; sad «■ 
Iftfannt Uui'iba hlghMtpoverof tlw Btate tboold hftvs s&vltttBsly 

puiilar to the evil of the time." 

Our Fo^t tells of something monstrous. We have seen a Uadc swa& 
— a white raven, — but never saw, never heard of, a vain player. If 
rhere ba such an animal, we would earnestly advise Ma. TnsB, of thff 
Zoological Gardens, to possess himself of the creataze. It wottU be 
more than vortk its keen whetter eamiTonraa. betUraoaa, m 
^Einaoeoaa! 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



31 



PREVENTION BETTER THAN CURE, 

K the dajrs that we weat floaoderiog a short time kgo, we thought we bad used ererr 

precaution to avoid the maor a alip between the heel and the hip, which the frosty weather 

exposed us to. We never reoollect to have seen such a perfect process of " holding a 

mirror up to nature" as the streets exhibited, for the p&Tement was like glass, and every 

one who walked along could not only see himself in it, but felt himself on it rather too 

frequently. Hopin;^ to preserve our standing in society, we resorted to gutta peroba 

^^^^^^^^^ ^ sole*, hut bitter was our disappointment after making them our sole reliance. The gutta 

\j l ^^pItm^^H^^^^^^^^^^^ perchas gave us so purchase or hold upon the pavement, and our legs slipped away from 

7^^=". .^^ / jMR ^^^^^^S^^^^ under us, in consequence of our precautions Laving proved altogether bootlesi. It is 

true that, after the frost had disappeared, the papers were good enongii to tell us how 
to get ourselves rough-shod for frosty weather. It seems we oaght to have got a lot of 
old iron, reduced it to filings, mixed it with emery scrubbings, &c. &c., and having made 
the whole mixture thoroughly red hot, we ought to have put our foot in it. A person 
who could Bland this might, we think, stand anything, as well as stand anywhere, and 
so far there would appear to be virtue ia such a remedy against slipping in frosty 
weather. 

In the event of the return of the ice, it may bo desirable for our skating readers to 
be supplied with some means of oiaiotainiog that equilibhum which is so essontial to inm 
dignity. 'A balancing pole,snpported by two footmen, will furnish the aristocratic votaries 
of that pleasure, which glides away faster than any other, with the means of pursuing it unalloyed by those casualties which prostrate the 
best energie?, and reduce the highest and the humblest to the lamc dumpy or bumpy level. 




^».*i*-H. 7?^ 




I HBT the waiter in his prime 

At a magnificent hotel ; 
His hair, untinged by care or time, 

Was oiled and brushed exceeding weM. 
When *' waiter," was ihft impatient err, 

In accents growing stronfEer, 
He ftCftm'd to murmur, " Ijv and by. 

Wait a litUe longer." 

Within a year we met once more ; 

'Twas in another part of town. 
An humbler air the waiter wore, 

i fancii'd he was going down. 
Still when I shouted " Waiter, bread ! " 

He came out rather stronger, 
As if he 'd s«y wi^h toss of head, 

"WaitahlUeioDger." 



THE WAITER. 

Time takes ua on through many a gra^Ie -, 

Of " nps and downs " 1' ve had mv run, 
Passing full often through the shade 

And sometimes loitering in the suo. 
1 and the waiter met again 

At a small inn at Ongar* 
Still when I call'd, 'twas almost rain — 

He made me wait the longer. 

Another time— years since the last — 

At eating-house I sought relief 
From present care and troubles past. 

In a small plate of round of beef. 
" Oae beef, one taturs," was the cry. 

In toaea than mine much stronger; 
Twas the old waiter standing byi 

" Wailing a liitle longer." 



I 've mark'd him now for many a year'; 

I 've seen his coat more rusty grow ; 
His linen is less bright and clear, 

His polish'd pumps are on the go. 
Tom are, alas ! his Berlin gloves— 

They used to be much stronger ; 
The waiter's whole appearance proves 

He cannot wait much longer. 

T sometimes see the waiter still ; 

'Gainst want he wages feehle strile ; 
He 's at the bottom of the hill. 

Downwards has been his path through life. 
Of " waiter, waiter," there are cries. 

Which louder grow and atrooger ; 
'Tis to old Time he now replies, 

"Wait a Uttlo longer." 



Ice-berg;s in the Tbuues. 

Amn the breaking up of the frost — which broke up just at the close 
of every one else's holiiiays — the Thames was in such a stale, that every 
vojsge between London Bridge and Chelsea was a sort of Arctic 
Expedition in miniature. The Bachelor was ice-bound fur some time 
in trying to effect one of those passages which form the most eventful 
passsgfs m the life of a Thames mariner. Had the frost continued 
much longer, we might have looked forward to the total freezing up 
of the river, vhich would for a time have connected, in the bond of 
union, the opposite and sometimes opposing shores of Southwark and 
Blsckfrian. 



Kautical Swemiing. 

It was stated in the morning papers Ust week that in the Bail 
Court— 

" Sib T. B. IUim took Um oatlu m AAulnl of tb« FIok." 

Taking oaths as an Admiral of the Fleet, it may be thonght, is much 
the same thing with swearing like a trooper; a prxotic^ which we 
hoped had ceased in the British Navy. We trust ihat the galUnt 
Admiroi uttered no stronger an expression than the wish that his 
timbers might be shivered; an imprecation, however, of which vre 
should lament the fulfilment. 



\ 



VOt. XVIIJ. 



r t 



IXi 



KSKCK &R THE LD^DOW CHARIVARI 




HOBSON'S CHOICE, 

,QR IHl FEBJLEZITJXS 01 A Q^HthEMAiS IN AEAUCH OF A 9.rKV^X% 
I 

Tthe tiwi« I bad bad two or thrift nMjTff bo?> in 

nk}' fan.iJy, I |roL 10 bate ibcm as if i K^d been a 

acond Herod, and the rest ^f my honatholti, 

toOjWas prelly sr>on tired of thp wrelchf-s. Ii 

any youur itousfkrcpers read r his, I would pay 

to ihfm, Profit bf Tijy pup^riene", *nd ncvtir 

keep a boy— be httppy wirh il inilour-iftBid, fiut 

up with & olmT*nroni&T], let the oook bring up your 

Qinner from ihe ki cheix: get a gooii servant wbo 

known hia biinnr??, aqd pay his wa«ra a§ eh«vr- 

fully as yon pay : but never have a boy mlo 

j'our plaof, if foa value jour pfkce of niincL 

You may »av« a Jitrlo in the article of waRpg 

wi^h Ibe little ra^cal^ but hawnmch do }ou pu> 

in diacort^foT-I ! A boy fa^j f^^ mucb aA a man, 

a hoy hrcjilM tirice a* nmob ah a. n an, a boy is 

t^idoe ai long upon an frriiud aa a omti ; a boy hatt^s your plat^t and 

semis it up to table dirU ; to\i are ncTcr ceHaju Umt a boy's linRrra 

are not in iht) dish vhichWbrinj^ up to your dinner; a boy puis your 

boots Oh the wrong treei ; and wl^eii af the end of a year or two he 

kat broken hts way ihrougn yoar crockery^ and at laat learned v^mt 

6f hi* bujttptMi the H'tie miscreant privaJety adverturs bin<»elf in tbe 

T.ates sA R you'h who has 3 years' characLer» and leaves you for higher 

WAigf^s, and anolher place. Two ^oung tcailors served lUfl so iu the 

CQurac of Diy fatal eipfiience: with beys. 

Then, ia a family rouDcil, it was agreed that a maTi ?hauld h* ei]gB4red 
for our eBfabil-ilmienf, and we hAd a «erirA of footnieo (our curate 
rccomntGnded to nm our lirat man, whom ihe cl<;rfF.i man had foucd in 
the course of his cbaiifable eicur&ions). I took fouv ToHEJiia out 
of the aarrer, where he vaa aiarviQ?. He had panned every an ide of 
Talue oelonging to liLirt; he bad do d^ceDt clothes left in wlicti be 
could ^0 out 10 offer himaelf for a aituatbo ; be had not laa^ed mej^ 
for wecl(!<» except Bueh rare blip n^he could ire t from f be ^avr Cur&Le^a 
spare table. Hr. came to ftiy boiisCj aad all of a TOddtn m*hed into 
plecLy £LgEun. He bad a ormforrabJe supply of olotbe?^ meat, fire, ard 
blankets. He had Dot a bard master, and as tor Manjm«^a icolUiDfr, he 
took it as a matter of ooarse. He bao but few pairs of shnes to clean, 
and liTed as well »*t a Stan of five hundi^d a-ycar. WciJ, Joaw ToHKiiite 
left my semce in sin nonths after be bad been drawn out of Thr jaws 
of deatb^ and af^er be had ooirsidered hinkscLf luoky a^ bein^ ubie to grt 
a crust of brtad, because the oook served bitn a diiuterof Ouid ment 
two da}g running—" Ha neTer ad bwn used to wJd neat j it wa^ the 
custom in no good fam'Lies to gitt cold meat— he wouldn't stay wberv 
it was praoliacd/* And away he woa^, thea— very likely to starve 
again. 

Him there followed a (fentiemaiij whom I sball call Mk. A^ershaw, 

for t am posttiv^e be did it, although we never could find him out. W« 
hftd a cbafdcter with rhis aiuiabb jouth, which an anp^l no^'it ha^c hcra 
proud of— hitd lived for sevcu years wi'b Geweral ItECToa — only left 
occfiusc ttie family wb-i goinji( aoroad, the General bein^ made G vemor 
ard Commander in Ctiief of the Tapioca Islanda^the Gen'-rari i^i» rr, 
Mils. Colon JL A ja.x, livinp in iodf ing* in the Edeware Hoad, answered 
for the man^and for rbeau'bentici^y oflbe Getierarate*timonialn- WliPti 
Mamma, MrS. rAFTj^m B, wailed upotiber, Miis. Captain ti. remarked 
that Mm CouiKKL'slodgiuts were rather queer, bcmgsbabby in them- 
»elTC3i and over a sbabbier stioTi-^ard slie thought Ihere wai a snitll of 
hot ppiiilsatid water in Miia, Coi/5ifEL*a room whew Mrs, B entpred 
it at 1 o*clook ^ but, pei-haps^ she was not very rich, the Colonel hr\ng on 
faalf-pay, tmditDiiRbt have been ether aud not. runi which Mna. B. 
smelt. She Okme borne annoan^^n^ thai abe had found a treasMre of 
a servant, and Mm^ hjizSMHAW stepped into our pantry and put oil our 
livery. 

Ko^btn^ oould be hetier for some time than this fontlfinia'n'a 
behaviour: and it wu edifjinff to remark how be barred up the 
house of a nighty and besought ma to see Ibfitthe plalew&is ali right 
when he hrought it upstairs in the basket. He cons'anlly warned up, 
too, of thieves and rasr^S about ; and, Ihoq^^h he had a viibmou^ ban^* 
doff look of his own, which I could not bear, yet Mamina said. This was 
only a prt^judice of minfl, and, indeed, Iliad no fault *o find with the 
man. Once I thought something was wrongs with rbelook ol my study- 
*&Me ; but, as 1 keep Utile or no money 10 'he hous?*, I did not give 
Una circun^flt-RncB much thought, and once Mbs Captain Bwdue ?aw 
Mr. ABtnauAw in conTeriation with a lady who had very much the 
appearance of Mofi. Coi^nel AjaX, us she afterwarda remembtred^ 
but the resemblance did not, unluckily, strike Maiuma at the tme. 

It hit^pentd onQ ctcuq^ tbat we all went to see the Chrisbnas 

rntomime ; and of eourn took the footmaD on the box of the flv, and 
treatrd him to the pit, »bet« I could not see him ; but be said 
afterwards, that he enjoy ed the play very mndL When the pantomime 



was oTf^r, he was hi waitinjr in tbe bbby to hand ns back to th« 
carriw^ and a prflt* good load we were, our throe cldldrcn, ourselves* 
and MBS, CAFTaUi B,, who ia a very rootny woman. 

Wbfn we got home, — ibe cook, with rather a guilty and terrified 
look, owned to her mi^lrea^ tha^ a nioat "'singlar" misfortune bad hap- 
petied. Shp wao positive she shut ibe door — sihe could take her Biblo 
04' h she dfd — afitr the boT who conies every evening wi h the paper; 
but the polfeeman, about ll o'cl' ck, bari lung and knocked to say that 
The dfior was op&n^find otwn it wa*, »ure cnougli ; and great coat, and 
two h«ts, and an umbrella, w«re ^ooe. 

" I'hank 'Evirs \ the pJate was all locked up safe in my pantry,*' Mr. 
ABZBBifa.w said, turning up bis eyes; and he showed me that it. was 
nil I igbf before goin;^ to bed thai Tcry uiAht ; he cmild not slesp unleas 
1 counted i^ he s^id— and then it was that he orir-d oa% Lord! 
Lord I to think that while he was an barnjy and unsu9p<cious, enjoin' 
01 biniBtlf at the plav^ some rvcal abouldi come in and rob Itis kind 
masier I tf he 'd a knowd it^ he oarer would hare left the iMuse — 
nOi, tbat he wouldn't. 

He was talking on in ihk way, wLen we heard a lood ahriek from 
Mamma's room, and her b«il began to ring like mad: and vresently. 
out i^he ran, roaring mt, "Awna MawaI Cook! Mm. HomonI 
1 bjeves ] 1 'jii robbed, I 'm robbed I" 

*' Where's the ecoundrel ?" says ABiitsRAw, reising tbe pokff as 
valiant as any man I ever saw^ and he mabed upstairs towante Mrs. 
B.'s apartment, I following behin.l, more leisurely; for, if the rascal of 
a housebreaker had pistols with him, how waa 1 to resist him, I should 
likn to know? 

But when £ got tip^there was no tbi«f. The rooondrdi had bosn 
there: but he waa tonei and a lar^e l>ox of Mju._b.'s stood in tbe 
c ntre of the room, burst open, with numbf^rs of things strown about 
tbe floor. Marimia was sobhmg her eyes out^, in her big chair; my 
wife and the female servants already asBembled: and Abkbshaw^ 
Mth tbe poker, banging under the bed to see if tbe villain was atill 
then. 

I WIS tot aware at first of the extent of Msa. B.'s misfortune, and it 
Waa only by degreei, as it were, tbat tbat unfortunate Udv was brought 
*o faell us what she had lost. Firs', it was her dresses she bemoaned, 
two of which, her rich purpie velvet and Iwr black satia, were gone : 
t4im, it was her Cashmere shawl : ther, a boi full of ornaments, her 
JBt, her pearls, and her garnets ; nor was it until tbe next day that she 
contessed to my wife that the great loss of all was an old black velvet 
rerioule, contaiciag two hundrrd and twenty-three pounds, in gold and 
Doles, L suppose «be did not like to tell me of this ; for a short time 
b?fort^ being nomewbat prwaed for monev, I bad asked her to lend me 
some ; when, I am lorry to say, tba old laily declared, upon her honour, 
tbat she had not a guinea, nor should have one until her dividends 
eaivtc in. Now, if she had lent, it to roe, the would have been paid back 
af air), and this she owned, with tears in her eyeft. 

Well, when she had cried and tcreamed sufficiently, as none of this 
grief would mend matters, or bring back her money, we went to bed, 
Abebsbaw clapptng to all f he bolrs of the house door, and putting the 
great bar up witb a clang that might be heard all through the street. 
Arid it was Qot until two days after tbe event tbat I got the numbers 
nf tbe notes which Mrs. Cattajw B. had lost, and which were all paid 
into the Bank, ^d eichan^ed for gold tbe morning after the robbeiy. 

When 1 was aware of its extent, and wlien the horse was stolen, of 
course I shut the atable-door, and oalled in a policeman— not one of 
.vour letter X policemen— but a gentleman in pUin clolhea, who 
inspected the premises, ciamined the family, and questioned the 
servants one by one. This Kentieman'a opinion was that the robbew 
waa not up in the house. First, he au'^ppcied the cook, thenheincunM 
towards llie housemaid, and the jounglcllow wi'h whom, as it appeared, 
t bar. artful hu*^sey was seeping company ; and those two poor wretches 
pjtpisjted to be carried off to jail forthwith, so gnat was the terror 
under which they lay, 

_ All this while Mr. AsEBiiitAW gave the poUecman every informa- 
lion; insisted upon Ijavicg bis hot «!• examined and his accounts looked 
into, for though he waa absent, wai ing upon his master and mtstresa, 
on fhe night when the robbery was committed, he did not wish to 
eieape B?nrcti— not he; and so we looked over his trunks just out of 
eomplmiPTit, 

Th« otEcer did not seem f be sat jslied--a^, indeed, he h^d discovered 
nobbing as yet— and after n long and fruiUess visit in ibe evening, 
returned on the next moruing in company with another of the detectives, 
the famous ScnoaGii^s indeM. 

A<i aootmsihr famous dcaoo«Tm saw Abrwhaw, all matters seemed 
to change— "HuikJimRi-!*' said be; **wliat, )ou hereP atyeuro&d 
tricks again P This is the man what hna done iH, dir," be said to me; 
"he ia a well -known rogue md prig/* Ml. ABBBSSaw swore more 
than ever that be was innocent, ana called upon nm to swear tbat I had 
seen him in the pit of the theatre daring the whole of the performanoe; 
but i conid nei-^er take my aJSdavit to this ftot., nor was Mm. 8CS0»- 
onta a bit wUisQed, nor would he bs until be bad tin »an op to iMc 
Street Police Court, and examined by the magistrate. 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CnARIYARL 



S3 



Here my jonag man mw knovm as an old pracli'ionar oa tlie tread- 
tiiiU, and, freiag tlierc wm no usr tn dfnyirtfr lite fnof, he confeswd it 
yery oAndiiUv. Hu owofd 'ha' ho *»ad br^en unfar-uiiAfc in his youIh» 
111 . ' ; ut been in Qknkual Hkctou's s«rviO" f.he»e fiv<* ye^rs; 

til (ter be had got wm a »liuro on», and Mu. Ajav infrrly 

a r^.n.... v ..o'ioii. Eafi DO it'Ora woalU '"• "I'-.i*! ^ . ^jj whole 
dent e in life, he »&il, «aa 1o be an kone'- since h" had 

enter«d my service be bad aHedaa auoh. uut a aincle 

instanee in wludi be bad fatl^d to do his duiy? Huc there vtm no um 
in a 'Kjor fpMow who Itad met with misfortune trying to retrieve bim- 
lu-ir -n- when be id i I th<s, and »pokc ao natiirallr tlui 

I L to swew that 1 Aad seen biin under ua aU niglit ift 

the |M. vti i ii- ■ lit '•' re. 

9b«re was ito evidpDOA a^inst him; and this gooi men vaa dla- 
ehar^l, botU (rotn the Polioe oDioe And (tou our aervice, wbero be 
oottldn't ahcar fo star, he iwiid. no* that, hi* Uhonour wa% questinn?;!. 
And Mb*. Buook believed in hia innooetiop, and prn^ialed in luming 
ofTihe cook and hoiiHcmaid, who ahf^ wu «iiro boa sf.n ei ber nionr^v : 
nop waa she quite c mviooad of fbe conlraT7 iwo v^nrs nffer, wh^n Miu 
Astiiaaaw aod Maa. Couovbl Ajax were boUt transported for 
forgery. 



WOODEN IIEIDS OF SEVENOAKS. 



1. iTbv ike Kent Farmers (rtaUd iJiair Friend. 

ECBKTLY at *bc Scvcnonka meeting for 
the artificial BnrmmUlion of rent« hist 
week. Ea.rl Stasoopi: i^ reported to 
have made the following confc9»ion :— 



THE ?RII>B OF THE THISTLE. 

Th» b«m*.T, the tenderness, of a poor Higldand Girl ia »erv well in 
pf>etrjr ; but is an awiul visitation upon (he oridc of an old Su(.) cii 
family, •'one of ibc o'dcat and mosT. rwpcr'abia — ti* dmcendHnta of 
the c-h-b &'od Lard I'reMdent KoiuiJia ! " Wben Wo&oawoftiH ^poa- 
trophisca his HiKhla:id Qirl — 

" flVTCt KtelilaiMt QktLa TtrryfltMircr 
Ofbeauir U Ui> («rttily ikiwrr. '— 

tha dowry o' Hliea and roaaa ia of allowRd valae in rer^e ; but Dofc worth 
a bawbea wben estimaied by the ** present poaaeasors of the extenkive 
eita es of Culloatn.'* 

Wfl haTr been v meted by a recent instaooe of morality 

manifested by Sco ■ A youns; een'leman— poai ivcly onft of 

the dwcendanis uf lUc J ■ FowiES— falla in love wi h a poor 

Highland Girl *' of con iMwal chaniis." The oouple take 

fli<ht,aad are duly mar* u'u. iii'r>ri0Do' - " -' \o be said agaiuit 
the brid^ if wa except the one worst woi And then n-bat. 

evar loses she aiay have in her fece — sbt^ i._ ..:d, un oli eunablod 

fluid in her Vfins. She is merely a itood, be4Uiihil, i^>vii)g girl — and 
tbafisalh What a filial ma'ch — what hvnienrMl degiadauonlor one 
of lh« '* dpscendiiut-* of the PaEiiDENX Fo&bk!» ! " 

The lovers are pursued to Gla8i,'ow. " fwr. ai tlm priest cnn make 
theai tbay are one." Ttujr are moreorcr fast laleep ; but, aays the 
acoouat— 

"TYm M»ttdi ftf Um ymmm KwUeoMn ao«D i i MwtA Ibam fttnanaai* »r love, «wl 
ue4 |>«|iiU*ilon*, •ryutDmla, •nd Ihnmlis ti> indn«M- biui I0 <^mmr* *<■—% iiiiii 1 M H^ 
ami rvUini to hU *""'>"-*r— '•■• ■ : but In vnin - tan hadl m^ M* cMn, uid nailM 
Id Uve tiid din In Uw wetilr of bis Manning bride." 

UflsnaiiimoufdrsoaDdazi'sof the PRcsiBiniT Fobbbs! We cannot 
but admire thei^deTofc•dne^3 to the nobility of h ^nour nnd Ixalb. They 
threa'en and wnecdle the yoiinf^ man to dev^rt ibe wnman lie has, an 
hoar or two before, sworn to cleave to for life ; and when be will not 
abanik»n the young ereaturt* who haa confided to Uiju iBore than her 




nf LordR UpM 

■■ofwlOffrod «n>Miv 
■ lltxir atdt, KtHl 1 111! 
ihfio • riiiinN-r ■■( 
drwiMiii ' 

«fliK-t, 1 ' 

Vor*>Ut>'<j tAnli.n nn I mlilf. -"icij junt 

Ckbtsgcs •fid AAtiUnmron." 



In th« XXtmm 
'•Cwdlnjr (VxMB 
liry wunj ool 

■ ■'n tnm 

■ ■\ 



lor 



. ....J 



At which words th" noble RrirlS affri- 
cullural auditory csclai-ned " llf-ar/* 

T^ow, if the Kent, farmers bad I'elt any 
sympathjr with Kakl tsTANiiui'K, any 
indiitnaMon at the diarcdpec'lul treat* 
ment which birLordvhip d^scrib'-d hiutself to have rcc.ived from his 
Peer", tb-v mip;h* to have ciied " Si'Sme." 

I ii<ht the Houne of Lords ri<ht in taking no notice of bun, 

to ' 't" wafl couaiatcnt enough, 

i^ut. ih •maa \try cruel. 

2. Pkiiifiopk^ <ifan Jgri^Uuml MUd, 
Subjoined is a special mnnifesta'ioo of the Landed Wi^d^m in con- 
clave, Hs above- mentioned, at Sevenoaks assembled. A Mn. J. Bau. 

S&l I itlttt — 
I **Ther* wManiattfaiibtMnd— oiM 4j> v)iicb Ma. Co«on> and Uiom who wled with 

Hm w«r*«Mtint to mC hU'-i <*■•( iB»My«d lnterc«t rCAMv«)-UM gmU 

tnlltirr llirr IM r r -* i >;ttod«U-ihe ftind-bolder ukd ntf>rTcaMb 

\ ii»f nuxuT-joabor. uMircr. «ii-> < •tn*, wko ikMw hftd beaefllud Irora Um low, 

yriCMi vhtoh bwl "k lU« Iwi 35 yft*n'CA«r*). If tW pr«w«nt nv^nm 

•bould bf* Mnlov " not alv« tire ywmm' purcbMC for UUc runt of KnglAiMt 

or itoa dlTMtmto oi u." 

Firs'lr, how sensible is the complaint of the lowness of pn'cM for 
the Ust 35 }'earv. uttered by a grn teruan who. iu the same breath, 
bdwls for a re«torft*'on of the Corn-Laws, which have existed during 
the irca^er part of that time ! 

Seoondly.bow sagscioua that estimate of " the great moneyed interest" 
which fuppoaea that the debt-owners and fitnaholders are seeking to 
maintain a »y«teii>, which, if per*i»ted in, will cause ihe dividends to 
cease to be paid. Either they, like pigs swimming, are cu ti^it their 
own tbroatj, or as suicidal an act bas been peruetraied by Mjl J Bell^ 
at Seveno&k.9, with the rope wbich he waa too Uberaliy indulged with. 



" B« w»« (old UmI Id • %v 4a7* tie woaM rvrafae Um mmti fortiuM mcnnd to him u 

a jouncvT bmittcr by tl>« ftBfljrftsUlcniwit. lutJ tb^t log ttm n»t of bla Ufa ht vould be 
dbiQvitttS by Um tkmily. TfeaMattU tiion kit liint, panwcd Uwlr w«r aonawirda, Md 
Ml Iba joaacattd lovlog timuoam u laMir o»o 



This ia tndy noble. The young man'a *'friend!i." the illustrious 
descendants of the PaBslDEKT Forbks, in tfeeir anxiety for the purity 
of the favtily *&Gutchn)n, do not ice bow it can be blotted, cither bv i he 
falsebord of a n'Sn, or the broken heart of a woman ; the man. oeing 
one of the ^eat- folks of Culloden, and tbe woman only a poor Highland 
giri \^A gul who, we doubt not, might stwid for the poet's picture :— 

" Tbon w«u-'tt ttpw Ihv forelxwd cIomt, 
Tfai ft oJo ni ofa sounUlAcrr ; 
A IWrc wHk fclkdnaMUTcnpnwI. 
SoA *ff'Uff^ by '*T"i*p' IrtniliHMi )*trd " 



Any wav, we wonld wager it, her "forakiad dear" will not be 
deepcn'-d by tbe blush that ougtit to have paaseaaed tba faces of the 
"fne-ndi" of the bridegroom, enrneatly entreating bim to vindicate the 
nobi'ily of his blood, and be a rascal. Such \9> Uns tiride of ihe Ttii^fle, 
as worn by tbe desceniianU of "tba oelebr^ca Loiu> PajtaiDurr 
FoftBis ! ** We wish them joy of it 



A. TBtTOI^L vtrmmnMTmnw 

Own American corrcspondeot has met, in New York, with a conrart 
to laetotaliam, wboj whereas, before taking tbe pledge, he used to see all 
objccta double, now sees only their halves. 



I THE SMTTHFIELT) PHTLHATIMONIC CONCERTS. 

I TireSB celebrated reunions continue to be sttended every Monday 
and Friday by numerous assemblies, of a refinement. uorreT<pon<ling to 
I the drlicate atmosphere of the locality. The perrormance 00 Mondur 
I last presented no novel feature*, hut afforded, as it never fatls to afTjru, 
eitrenie Rratificatinn to tbe katituea. A barairo'e by a sheep-dog at- 
tracted our especial notice, and a vocal symphony of boss presented a 
cuiious contrast of the trebles and /^aoti with the 6assi ; though con- 
taioiii^, we 1 bought, seveml discords introduced with n ore effect than 
^cieuUlic skill. Another piece performed by these artiatts had a strong 
reseriibUnce to the Coittert StUck. The Soulhdowns and Leicesters wre 
s'rong a<« uiual in their pastoral chorus, to which the cows gave effect 
by the adoi^ion of their low note*. An ailegro fitrioto passage dashed 
out by an ox. and accompanied by a horn movf'ment, told greatly on 
tbe crowd, at whom it was evidently directed. We have ^till to oom- 
plain of the bad acconimoda'ion provided at these entrrtainntents, and 
know not whether to refer their maintenance on their present incon- 
venient aite to the obstinacy, or folly, or cupidity of their ouectors, or 
to ail three causes together. 



Bhakapeare among the Cheap Tailora. 

Tbb Shade of William Shakspkahe, having peru«ed certain ao- 
COunts o( t%rannous (ailurs, hrss te^vo to sugvest from a tilile plav of 
his own, what be conceives to be a pertinent motto, to be painted in 
red letiers over their shop-doors. The motto wUl be found in a play 
called " Oih£Uo;* and run* ibua : 

" X ■wftATmo Divn. b«r«." 

And therefore,— as W. 8. further suggests,— a dcril to bo incon- 
tinently avoided. 



:^ 




SCENES FEOM THE LIPE OF AJH UNTEOTECTED 
FEMALE. 

ScMTB IS.— Wp 9»4*U* ^ MocrKLES, ?LY-TltAT, ft Co-'S, Wurfier%\ 
Shatci and MaiUia tVareh'^f, ^.. ^e. The windOH* are lamd 
ifiih hand* tf all flours, and runniwff tU all angies^ ifSrriietL 
" SrUinff 'ff, ffff per tent teUno prime cvsi*' '* E^iormau^ hargaina. 
" Uuiniiu NHTtJice'* **MvHbeg»i tidqfat at:y P'ire." '^Oraad 
cirarence Sfi/u." '* dn itmetiee number of Bonkruph* itorH." 



Bid of ti».i:ar ddutire import ate stuck ahaitt erery tMirt of ihexkop. 
AH the gtfOfif erhtitfd it the windoica dispitu tnutli tiiktU qf inh 
pan ened HrirHp/iun, sveh at, " Heckerehe. ^' The Mode" '* Juei 
oui." "Jvtiin:' " The hH thing from Pari^** "Chaste:* ''Horn 
etrpetrntf" ** Befinfd :<pief>d<mr." " Irretitti6>'0/" "Quite tie 
tM'^g/" *' Perjeri Tmter '* Orighai" '' Bighip heccming:' "Jis 
kn^^tedgrd by all ! /" Fhnnle uufer g^trme^te, of a pnural rmm- 
blanet im sh^pr^ hut a tiitgular and recondite variety im mute, «r9 
tittelfd leith ttaHling titiet, and more eiaiitii^ priam^ 0Mihe**Ca- 
maii dee CameUtex cnlg £1 IChr." Tke " rmim^ pMin ecitrt, 
JES a», // " The *^IUdmgoie RnsHfake, iiritd throughoid with reai 
mfji*, at £10.—-^ bargain // / " "BunMi3 ^ la Bou Mioa, Com the 
bai^ ^ikeSiftU,atii lOf." Mantlet, MantUUe, ManleUtt, MaatO' 
Unax ^ft.hne^ AtntemiJiengai^rilUr, Bt rteett, Camiile, CauMmim^ 
CardinaU*, Oraehouroit Ceie-hurdia, Paletot*, Pordr$eu», PrkinM 
^onchettei, Ponchoiu. Pofime, Redtngvtes, FitHei, FttHoHrai, and 
othertf Uto nitmeioua to aaumerate, and too d^fiemit to proaonnte^ are 
fixfd Hpfor the ndn^iration^pateeagers. l%e USTROTBCm) FsHaia 
iegaetna into the tcmdow^/aeeinated bg a^oegtmm tmdbm^rie thaeU 
ttcttted, " Heal India at £S lOi." 

Unprotected Female (thinJU). Well, lh»t ii ibc »wwU*tfc obi^ut, 

thing 1 ever did «ee t Oti, I think it would beconw n« ui B UWuii lj 

And 1 ooald afford it out of tny diTidtmiiii. But tb«n, porlMn, I 

ouRbtn't f Oh, yw 1 1 must (She goes to enter the shop, btt starts back 

i« homr 0t a verv amorphom and mangy lion, which guards the 

**f"*^ 4»/«WP»rf hjf mm eqmait^ distorted and dingy Uofntrd et Ike 

ommttt Aor^mt.) Oh. grueiouBl wbat'e that? Ob. it *8 only siuffed. 

(JShe enters the shop. S<xne changes to (he inferior ^ the Sstahtishment.) 

[MocKLEa is koepifu an ej)$ to the Fur Drpartment. Flt-Tea? 

vaks up and Ooien the Shotrl and Mantle Department^ in 

a Napofeoriic manner, vith hia hands be kind him, and his eyes 

t^» *.'"'* A^^'«rf hiM. and in rvery direction^ at the same time, 

Jw " Co. is M a smaU rai'rd g'ass cose^ ketping guard wer the 

Caskiet, and checking the Enincs. The shop is filled with ladies ; 

and yourg " getUs," in white ties and tender manners, are 

• shaving " them. 

Unfrcteeied Female {rather appalhd by the splendid scale on vkieh 

ihimpt arc carried on). Ob ! if you plrtsc— 

Fy Trap {with Icrd/y obtegnionsness), A chair for the lady. Now, 
■*«»«• TO** <*«pW'inent? Our s'ock of furs is extensive and 
vmique. Wc are sole akcdU to all tbo compaciea everywhere. 
Winter fuTB, Ua'am, no doubt? SmtnTS, this lady to ide Kor 
Dniartmenr, iw-mediatelj. 

Vm,rotec{ed Female {dftsmng her bretrth vhieh has been taken away, 
^ Mr Ply-Trap'» donche ^ wor4s). Ob. please-ifa not furs. It 
wa» a sliawt m the window. 

Fly-Trap. Mji- Fbibblb— a chair for the lady. Slmwl and Mantle 
Department, im- mediately. 

[The IJMrBOT&CTED Fehua is chaired to the cannter by one of 

Toung Man [letUng kmaelf damn eopjlde^Hally and neertty over the 
L^L-^^^V^^ ''h UKfaoraCTED Pihali^s face, and leanint; 
■m me iam^kta). Now, Mefn, ii you please, what oau ve have the 
pieijiur* of »bowin(c vo*i to-day ? [riVA tender intere^. 

Unprotected FemaU. Oh, if yoa please, there's a ahiwi in the 
Window — 

Fossng Afmn. Cer tably. Mem, {fmppiM a pile <ff shavls on the counter 
^yprf /w ing them into a Ironbledma <ifPat»ley Isfons, and Noneich Ind-a 
«*n«). Very aapenor article in Lyons and India. A sweet thing Ibis 
tM. Oriental style — folds into twenty-fonr—noiTteons— quite suit your 
iionpleuoa, Uem— {performs ranous feats tf Ugfrdemmn toith IheshateU) 
--stout niateriAl— cleans beao-iifiilly— look under I be ligh% Mem— 
whai » gloss ! sod the design our own— that is— oar Indiwi designer— 
S.A'*P 'J*^ *" Cashmwa and two a* Lahore— delicious arranffsm^nt. 
Wds^ WoUe, toteet, tsmbtes, tmtehet, Jhshes into the light, Jli.ts into 
Ha dark, wreaihee, vntereathes, and ihen pauses to teatch the effect with 
miense lennbilttv.) At twrlv© twelve. Mem— only— ! 
r\Cx^"^^1^'^ A««& {praytftg inwardly for strength to resist temptation). 
Ub ! they re charming, but if you please, 1 don't want Ihem. It 'b the 
ona in the window— marked ** real India, at £3 iO»." 

romirM. Beg pardon, Mem. {Whi/j another pile on to eotaUer of 
^nMune^wftmr to tke decoy shamt.) This is the article at £3 gr- 
Heal India— an enormwu bargain— we couldn't do it if it hadn't been for 



the PuTijaub Victories — de-Iiciou^ — and go with that bonnet sweetly, 
[He becomes fMis/aitp imprmed «ti(h th$ bctmUy if the shawl.) Lovely, 
indeed, Mem. 

Vntfrotectcd Female (going through variot/s testing processes (f mMtipnlo' 
tionknotm only fn ffmales). Ob, t'Ht ihifl isn't the *ame material at alL 

Toung 3^- - psrdin^ M'-m, from the -BTiie loom — Famcship* 

mr-nt— if ar rior. {ff'ith an appeal to hir eandonr) Now at 

£3 lOt. — ti's iiTOttinij 'em away ! Let o-e put it upl 

Vnprotsetai Female. Bnt it 's not su good us the one in the window. 

Young ht an tuit4 a smile of svpetioiily). Kxxoao me, Mem— shall 
we say £3 %s, 

Unptoteeted Female. But the one in the wis^w is only £2 lOf. 

Fi-nng i.'an (piinks at Flt-T&lp). lou railj must let me put it into 
your earn lice— 

Vttprotettcd Femata (Jlottered). Oh, IVe iw4 got a evriage. But if 
you please. I 'd like that one in the wisdow. 

Fly-Trap {sharpy a9d»-gierfleant^y.mesestamtini go eai4haved). Door! 
[A Foriae tmmAitety piants m eMptt in frtnt^f tha door inside^ 
and hgyins ctfaniig the shop fanlight with pretenatttrat care, 
eomphteiy bh'king np th* doot--icay. 

Fly-Trttp {corning upblandly). It's the san* art icie— madam — poaHively 
the same article — bat of (iuer desian. We put :,b« worst in tl»e window. 

Unprotected FamtUe. Oh, no, inaeed— it was much better than any of 
them. 

Fly-Trap. Kimm, show the lady the window article in Tnclia at 
two>ten. (J shasot i$ prodwoed, mhich^ by a st^ight if hand, hsm bmn es- 
changed for the decoy one, m its progress jrom wndosaU w—ftfJ ■) A very 
inferior article vou will obsfrve, Ma'ara. 

Urfn-otected F^nia. Oh, but that waar,' r\ ^w. 

Fly Trap \deeplywomded in tmfeeting ^ resprdabi* «tab- 

lishownf. Ma'am— and jowr words are acnunauic, I oelieve^ before 
wiinrsscs. 

Unprotected Female {in agony at the notion <f anything aftkmabte). 
Oh, I'an sure I doti't me«& to— but, perhaps, haven't yam taade a 
niis laha, Sir, or some of these gentlrmen. 

[7b tha Gents teko are watering roknd^ and whose tenderness ig 
chUiit^g into the sternness (fconsciuus rectitude. 

Fly-Trap {Jreeeingly). I beg to observe wo don't make mistakes in 
this establishment — i bclifve not, pentlenien. 

[Lcok'ng round the young men, mho agree viih him. 

UnproteeUd Female (humbly). Oh. then, parhapi I 'ni wiong— bat I 
don't want anrthing; please— so I 11 go. [Riets. 

Fly-Trap. Go— Ma am! Come inio a respectable tradesman's, and 
mmple his goods^ and insinuate afainst his honesty, and not buy any- 
thing] Go— indeed! How do I Know what you came forF 

Unprotected Femafe (piteously), Ot), indeed, it was the real India at 
two-and-ten, and 1 wtuld bate Dought one, if you'd shown me any — 
hut you haven't— so I 'd rather go. 

lOtanties towards the deor^ at meditating a rmh^ but the Porier^t 
blockade is stilt rigorouslg kept tsp. 

Fly-Trap. We don't know riariies-^bu( wo lose a Bttniy Mrtiolea hy 
parties pretending to buy, and not buyinyr. 

^With a look rfawfiU snepidoa. 

Unprotected Female (in an agony ^sertous alarm). Oh do— 1 'm not— 
ind«!d, I Ve no ptyfcets on— yon caa— do yon can't— bnt I "m not, 

Fly-Trap Kurpi-BU, look out if there '» a policeman. 

Unprotected Femate (eiaeping her handd). Oh, what for P Whatenr 
have I done P 

Fly Trap, Shop-lifting is very common by pArtlea pretending to.be 
cnstontcrs. 

Unprotected Female. Oh, but I can prove who 1 am. 

Fly-Tn/p. Parties being strangers and no reference aakcd— bfft if 
yon purchase— of course — 

Vnproiecicd Female. Oh, I'll purchase anything— bttt indeed they^W 
an interior article. 

Fly-Trap. One of the real India at threc-and-eight for the lady, 
Wk KinBKT. 

Unpn^teeted Female {to herself). Ob, it *s a shocking impositioB ! 
(JowiH enddenfy passes the skop.) Oh, t-here 's Mr. Joxm I iShe mshs 
a boU ai the door, nearly ^setting the Porter^ and, jamndag hef9r(f very 
tight between the leat o/ his step ladder^ makes signals rf distras to 
JoiTEs.) Ob, Mr. Jowbs— do. please, Mr. Joifts. 

IBnter JoyT.8. Con»temat,on td' FLT-Tiur, tudden retapae ixto 
gtneral obsejmonsne^s, and ScKSE l^oms on the eonsegaeaem. 



A Tond Fnther'i Adwiee to his 8oxl 

As you make your bed, my son, so you must lie in it, but if you s*uff 
it full of bills, you will soon find k very hard tying to Keep matters in 
the least straigiit. \yn^% the Dun from the d or, and vou need never 
trouble yourself about boiling ; but if the bailiff's once Wain knocking 
outside, you will never know apiin a moment's rest. So be caroiul. my 
son, bow you make vour bed, and nvoid debt., for, believe me, many a 
young man bas had nts bed sna'cbed from under him, and been tlirown 
on the world, simply from sleeping on tick.~~The £«guteT«d; CUaVvt^udA 



THE W£ATH£E AHD THE FAVEHEHT. 

BiraniG the late severe wufher, it has been delightful to sea the alera rigour of aalboritf rel&xinf 
in an inrerse r&tio viib the rigidity of thn [rosU and to witnesa the booted and belted policeman •baring 
the same slide with the hatlcss and homclc&s orcbio. There is something sposonably benevolent in the 
earoest desire of erer^body to "keep the pot a boiliDg." And indeed, as it is the prorince of the 
policeman to make all the world " move on," that great embodinient of the idea of progress could not 
be better occupied than in the pastime in which our artist has depicted him. 




"Now, Old Ganr, Mova o».*' 

The Serpentine, during the froit, afforded frequent i::8t.a!:ces ol a Tarantnla-like effect npon the 
police in raneral • for many of the force, that came to clear tlie ice, s.'opped to slide; and, one by one, 
they alidcd into toe paatime which they auould haro checked as dangerous. 



THE LION QUEEN. 



All ottf Tt»4ttn kaoviiMt th* Liov Qcm— a yoang creaturs of seTentcen— in the course of her 
performance, has beea kUM by OM of her tiger suhjrcts. One minute, the girl was alive, in all her pride 
of dominatioi^ nilixig tint bcMM for tvopeBoea— the mxU the tiger had (ixed his teclh in her neck, the 
joiralar poured out tlie life ; and, in ikrief oonrse. a Ouroner's Jury sat upon the bo^iy. '* Accidental Death." 

What baa become of the tigerT Uaa it b«en killed ? Or vill the human blood that, in its ferocious 
instinct, it has ahed^ make the brute a more valuable beast— a greater attraction to the show? Will 
the tiger remain a more important member ot Ma. Wombwbll s compaoT—or will i*. as it has been 
lUMrsted— become the onlr quadruped tenant of Madamb Tussaud's Choaiborof Horrors, the Tiger 
to Mabia Mamiim;*s AriadHet Up to the present time, we bear nothing certain of the destruction of 
the brute. 

The ChronieU lias a fine essay on the n.iserable ta^te, the low craving for excitement, fostered by the 
performances of what are called Lion Kings and Lion Queens— the Potentates — as it has appeared 
with other Powers, in these days of revolution — occ«8ionally made quick conveyance of by their rebellious 
subjects, ".We trusf/* says our oonteniporary, **that the recent frif(htful catastrophe will be the Uat 
of Its kind, and that in pleasure, a« in all else, we may see a healthier state of things brought abont." 
We trust so too, and indeed, if wo may credit a report — be it undersfood we only give it as a rumour — 
of the effect produced by the death of the girl Bright in the roost exalted place. — we have no doubt that 
the very highest example will henceforth tend to discourage all such brutal exhioitions. 

Our readers may remember that, iu the high and glorious days of Yak Akburgii. Hek XLijcsty 
and attending Lords and Ladies patronised a private exhibition of the tricks of Sovereign sway 
and masterdom " manifested by toe Liun King over his brute iieges on the stage of Drury Lane. More : 
ExR Majebtt was so pleasecf with the governing power of Klng Van Amburgu. that she commanded 
£dwin Lamdseek to inimortalisa his Msjesty and four-footed subjects on about half-anacre of canvas, 
tha^, when filled and glowing— we w?re about to write, giowlin^— witli brute life ruled bv human 
will, was duly exhibited at the Royal Academy ; and was, until within a few days, a part oi* the royal 
ooUection. We hear that, since ttie deaih of the Lion Queen, and pureJv to exert ihe u^fluence of high 
example, the picture has been takrn down, packed up, and is nbont to be shipped as a present to the 
EiC7CR0R or Morocco. In the dominion of his Majesty, Lion Tamers may certainly find a more 
OGogenial atmosphere than in highly civUised and Christianised Great Britain. 



PROBLEMS tor TimfKERS. 

How is it that Johk Bull is continually having Lis pocket picked, when, nevertheless, he is always 
puttinff his hand in itP 

If tne Socialists oould convert the world into one great common, would they make themselves 
aases or geese ? 



TBE 

HEUCULES CHEAP PALETOT. 

You 'VE read the death of HzscuLSS, 

In classic tale related ; 
But there the facts of his decease 

Erroneoosly are stated i 
Each schoolboy will at large recite 

Fast as his Atphabeta, 
How that eximious man of might 

Departed on Kount CEta. 

The hero^ having ceased to rove, 

Tis said, his laboun ended. 
To sacrifice to Father Jove, 

That mountain steep ascended. 
Desirous proper clothes to doo, 

Such as he would look nice in. 
He put a Centaur tunic on. 

To offer sacrifice in. 

This tunic having been imbued 

With Hydra's deadly poison, 
Itself unto the wearer gfued, 

Like plaster with Spain's fiies on. 
Not to come off— the Income-Tai 

A blister of the sort is— 
It stuck to him like cobbler's wax. 

And stung like aqna fortis. 

Such direful pugs convulsed his 
frame. 

And pierced through bone and mar- 
row, 
That Hercules felt much the same 

As toad beneath a barrow ; 
Such agonies his nerves did rive. 

Did trouble, vex, and tease him ; 
He chose to bum himself alive, 

As thinking fire would ease him. 

Now, this same storjr is a myth. 

Or mvstical narration. 
In which there is of truth a pith, 

Involved in fabrication. 
The vest that poisonM Hercules 

Was bought from a stop-seller ; 
It was the virus of disease 

That racked the monsier-quellcr. 

'Twas Typhus, which the garment 
caught 

Of Misery and Famine, 
Hands that for some cheap tulor 
wrought ; 

The Hydra-story 's gammon. 
Sucli clothes are manufactured still ; 

And you 're besought to try 'em 
In poster, puff, placard, and bill— 

—If you are wise, don't buy 'em. 



WIDOWS. 

Tin Perth Courifr speaks of m 

colony of widows in Bridgend. They 
"almost worry a man," says the Courier, 
who ventures near their precincts. 
They patronise nothing that is not 
widow. They have widow-cook, and 
widoW'Waiting*woman. Punch further 
suggests that tbey should have, tberr 
mice caught by widowed caty, and 
their cgsslaid by widowed hens. And 
to conclude, and to make Bridgend 
quite a paradise, not a flower— cer- 
tainly not the flower of bacbelorV 
buttons — should be allowed to infest 
their parterre ; but, like themselves, 
their ^rden of life should run to 
nothing but weeds. 



4 



A Jkwxl op a Wtte.— a Wife who, 
whatever may be the journey, copies 
the sagacious elephant, and travels 
with a single tnmk. 



H 




CHARTIST STATISTICS. 

T a meeling of the ChartisU at the London 
Tftvem a few evenings ago, one of the CDm- 
pfttijr out-did aJnost nil former cfforiB by 
msiBliug iiuil the Ctiarl*?r had hoooma 
aotiull; neocttarj in cuu»equer.ce (,f " 16^000 
poonds bavlDg bern paid lost Trar for 
Du'^er, pggs, ud t>acoQ for BuokiagbAm 
Palace," 

We do not prefend to toow the data on 
which tiiis assertion a founded, bii* we can 
only say, for the s'ory of ihc ilC.OOO worth 
of DUtter, e(rti(f, and bacon, that we cannot 
swallow one half of if. The iipeaker eeenied 
to have the butter quite pa^ but, unless the 
praotioe of putting it, upon bfcoon prevails to 
an awful eitemt in tiie Palace^ we really 
caoMt see boir tiw oonaumption can be 
eAot«d, while, m for the eggs, we are 

man there tm not half as many laid la Bngbnd as are laid iu bia 

iniiictmenfc. 
I' i« m^hrr Tng^rnions on his ptrt to sugsevt to the country that the 

f «ily mode by which i'« Uic.ctn am be sarrd, though it is 

01 unlr^s the royal househoi<l lived ei eggs and bacon all ihe 
year romui, the bill for these iteois could sol amotuit to one hundredth 
part of the orsf-or's ratimate. Wt suapeofc be baa got several wrong 
pigs by the ear. and we are satisfied that soimMlh bacon an he allrgea 
eould neither no cured nor emlnred Inf thp inmat,« of Uuckiiif;ham 
Palace. To feed the household on notfiing but sailed swine would be 
rather tcurvy freatriout, and we can only oonie to thp eonclusioo, that 
the Chartist DxuosTiiENes, in enlarging on the qunr.tit^ of pig con- 
iomed in ihePaiaoe. was merely giving way to the propensity for going 
the whole bog, whiou is a characleristio of the party he ia a ntember of. 



MARRIAGES IN EVERY DAY LIFK. 



THE TEA DEPUTATION. 



Ow Wednesday, the IGfh of January, a deputation from Liverpool, 
beaded by its mfmbers, wai'ed on Loud Johw Kl'ssell and the CnaK- 
CRLLOE or THE ExcBt^mm, wit.ti the laudable desire of obtatoiag 
tbeir consent to a reduction in the Tea duty. 

The buaincas commenoed by a few words from Sra Thomas BracH, 
who was very appropriately selected on this occasion, for, as the 
Premier (must have mentally) renarked. " Bmru has always been 
looked DDon as one of the principal representatives of Tea in thta 
oountry/' 

Ma. Cabdwisll went into the aritfametic of Tea, and proved that, 
while in the United Kingdom the consumption amounted to only a 
pound and three quarters per head, it was nine pounds per head per 
snnura in tbe Australian colonies. This, at a spoonful each, and one 
for the pot, gave several Diliion cups of tea to tiie colonists while, at 
tbe same strength of brewing, there would be little more tuan a flish 
(of Tea) per diem for the inhabitants of Grrat Britain. . 

Mr. Ed wi no Brodribb enlarged on the social merits of Tea, and 
insisted that, although mere spoons had sometimes made a stir in Tea, 
there was now a small but determined Tea party ppringing up in tbe 
kingdom, and, with all respect, be would say that tbe Govemment would 
Cfentua'ty be teased out of tlic duty. 

Another Member of the deputation took a view of (be matter in 
reference to tbe agricultural interests, urging, that, so long &*« \ he genuine 
Tea was kept out of the country by tbe heavy duty, the hedges of tiie 
farmer would never he safe from those depredHtors wtio plucked a 
spurious sort of Twankav from the sloe, and stole for the Tea market 
tut which was neither Hy!>on nor Uis'n, 

After a few further rentarks from other Members of the deputation, 
LoBI> Joirs Kdsskll courteously acknowledged himself the frieud of 
Tea, and though some called it mere slop, sent over by our foc9 the 
Chinese, he was not one of tho^e who regarded it as a " weak invention 
of the enemy." After intimating his wiUingnc«s to take a Tea leaf, if 
praotioable. out of the book of free trade, he assured the deputation ttiat 
be and his friend, the Cha.hoiixob or thb RicuEqtncR, would, some 
day, after dinner, take Tea— into their best oouaidcraiion. 



At about this period of the year t*'" ^"■^-■^ -r^^-* iinu«f their readers 
with occasional lists of marriagos in :o not 9>-e why as 

much in'.ereat should not allach U) lUg olTLf hiintbter 

couples. "VVc hav», Iherefore, authorisetl our 'Vrtu corre>ijoni]ent" to 
poke his nose into private life, and our worthy Sccrctaiy tor Other- 
people's -aSiurs has favoured us with the fuUowing:— 

The marriaire brtween Young IIowanD, surnamed th* Prinw of the 
House o' —he being an asaisUint ia ("■ * "^ i " e 

fair M ^ - ' s, famiimrly knowu as 1.)rr 

a iim6u'/»'i -.iic 'hub gained by a long engageit><:ut- <ju .nr • "iMr.i,.,udI 
tifld of Waterloo House— will tiike place before the spring, as the bnde 
and bridegroom must both be in town for the commenccmcut of the 
sea^cMD. 

The nuptials of Oklaxdo Ssooxkt, tbe attorney's clerk, with Miss 
Elizabbtix IUadttin, will be solemnised as soon as tbe bridegroon 
has saved up the money for a clandestine lionise. Mr. Skoocbt 
will be given away by a 5--— -' rl-, and Miss RiaomH will Uuow 
herself away wi*h the a&' le clerk and pe«-opener. 

The iong-talked-of »;&'.. - -j:. Mr. Jaco? StowcOiCiT, of Ihe 
liong Room in the Custom House, and Miss Mabtiu M atoat^ of Ibe 
Soho Bazaar, is still upon the Upu, the difficulty being to hnd the 
neoessary sum for tapi^f^ie, for tbe newly- wedded couple, shcutd they 
mislead one another to the altar. Mr. Slowcoach was understood to 
have stated that he had furnished a floor; but it seems he had OLly 
furnished an excuse for not having done so earlier. 

The wtdding of the galldnt, dashing CArrary Cutawat, with 
Madave Mbrveille, the fafcinating miiliner — not miiUvnaire^ as was 
once stated by mistake — mil take place as soon us the habea* can be 
obrained for the removal of the gallant bridegroom elect Irom the 
Queen's prison, where he is at prescmt oonfioed with a severe iudis> 
position to pay bis creditors. 

The above are a few specimens of the sort of domestic news famished 
by some of onr oontemporaries. but we have taken our intelligence from 
a somewhat lower range of society, whose every-day life seen.3 to us to 
possess quite as mooh interest as that of wha; are termed the upper 
circles. 



ERIGHTFUL CASE OF STITCH IN THE SIDE. 

Yesterday, the family of the Most Noble the Marquess op Foub^ 
I HUNDRZD-'ruortsAKD were thrown into tbe greatest alarm bythe sudden 
I and, apparently, violent dlness of the Marquess, who rose iu his usual 
I health, and partook of bis breakfast with his usual vigour. The 
Marquess, having dressed himself tu go out—it was observed by certain 
members of tbe family that be appeared in a new coat, one of the 
newest things of the season, brought only from the East the previous 
evening — was suddenly seized wiih ilie most violent pains — with the 
roost tremendous attack of what is vulgarly known as sliloh in the 
side. Medical astittance was imnaedtately summoned, when, after & 
long and critical cxsmination of the sufferer, it was discovered by the 
intelligence of tbe physician — intelligeno?, it. must be confessed, cxlrtr 
professional — thai the cause of the attack was not in tiie anatomy of 
bis Lordship, but in his Lordship's new coat. The ooat, i( appeared, 
had been made under the despotism of a "sweater," ihat it might bo 
made dog-cheap, and— it is platn there must have been " magic tn the 
web " — every stitch in the garment transferred itself into bis Lordship^s 
flesh. Never was nohility so ilrtadlully sewed up. Uis Lordfthip, 
having desired the coat to bo given, as a oonscienoe olTering, to Urn 
Home for iho Houseless, felt immediate rcUef ; and is now going CiD4i 
well as can be expected. 



^* Our Own Corrospondent.'^ 

Tm Pottt " Own Correspondent," writing from Paris, my% fwy 
profoundly — 
- n«v>w aliMutad ttat tu mm i M U k Mpte, iln vsstber. thm ranalBa ludlHS 

tulely, llltla«^lDi|mA aXmmL" 

This nchausting person — eihausttng the interminable—is, vo dooht, 
a descendant of the Irish sailor, who, pulling up what 8een>ed tn him 
an iniermiuable rope, gave it as bis cpiniou that some motdetiuf viiiaia 
had '* out the end off." 



Tbe Boianey Oat. 

Thb Vdsiiftw* Oateite stAtes that the EaEL q? Rosotit has, at the 
uui \ent Sessions, shown a livelv desire to emplny the cat upon grown 
mm. Fivrt i^or wrcfchps, n^ed from 94 fo 30, who, stairiug, liad 
stolen SIX loaves, were rpo«i;ly whipped by sent^ce of his lordship! 
The Dohleinan's arms bra for supporters two lions, We tliink his 
Lordship hud better assume a couple of cats. Hi* Lordship's motto is | A ?BrvATB Note rnoc Meiucok.— Tlic Mtimmr is the rfrouMst 

Jro» tm, fd poena,*' We would— cirotimstanc^ of the luh oon- proof tbAi ihe First Lav of Uamaa Nature is decidedlx--nSWm««r^ 
aider^d— suggest an alteration : '* Hon patrut^ ud M.'* ration. 



CUBAF BIBLKS. 

Tifi wa^ paid to the wretched women by the BriHsh and Poreiga 
Bible t^oriRly prove that, wbit'pver eLv (hoy msy desire to msAe of 
religioD, they have no wuti to make il " binding." 




A COCE fnZASAMI GET! UP, A5i> Mb. BbXGOS'S DCPKZttlOS IS, THAT A. TZ&T lAXGZ FlS£VOBX KaS BEZ5 IXX CPT CXAU 10 

Hb u ALXon rueHTXxzx) to dlath. 



" A AlCTIM TO LET." 



ani I bcf to BT poMklT ilttx if ucj iaiivUsiL «r 1 

annate Kikl too. .-m .-^ V/j^v tku if, fi>r ■ 

vi;i. oa the 30c^ iaiuat. teai rx-«c \ &it£nl £35 flbrll 

dLu be abltf u (iw lua a lift wvanU «4 



A DtTUk tifflple toul, btt earned a fuU rizht— if each rixht impart to I TnesibT. the Sih in-nu: : i 
bi« », »jorii.«jt-tp »b»..e y«c4. H, b« p»id £25 h«d cuh for I J^SJITL'Se'r'S.'S.^i 
the privilege ; and declare* himself, under certun conditions, readj to I par^-. ao4 i bope ■ 
pw £S5 more, for £50 be majr hare his be:lf full—or empty, as he may respectable liae&f use 

!lrL*^££ut:2f ***"** "^ ^'*'* • "^'"''''* ** ''' ""^^ **^ ** ''^•"^' There is heart in this, at least. 0! the braics s»:ewn ia «he kttor. 

pfSIl-S^i^iui^ ««mJ-» h^f *— 1- ««*..:«« 4« ..^u - 1 »e would lain not speak, seeinf none. Nerertheless, we wiU given 

Ho'«^^»Ll^UX'?i.l^*«3'Pt~'a^^^^ twoof "Okz o,™ Pr.ucVn<.a-.«uB,. 

tviu Eetl— u "A Victim to Let." And the Victim leat to Let. Punek 
dwelt upon the ungrateful fact. Howlett received much sympathy 
through the oolumns of the fferaU—mneh praise, but no reward. Tlie 
eommendatioB was great and frequent, but there was not, for th^ 
deftitute man, whose destitution was so piteooslr bemoaned, a single 
cut of solid podding. Fwick, thereupon, called on the platform Chnstians 
who bad bellowed their piety, and, in their charity, pelted Loed ; '^^ •?• ^"*« *« «*^ 
RuMBLL-B man of earnest, unaffected reUgion-wIth the foulest ^J^i^^^^Z 
words implying the foulest motives, to comfort and shelter the destitute 
lIoWLBTii to show that their- Christianity was a little deeper than 
their lips, descending even to their breeches-pocknts. i^MvA was not 
the apologist of the offender IIowlett, who—as PuneA still believes— 
was rightly dismissed; but PuncA would not see the ex-poitman 
infferiag the mere sympathy of his pa*^^rons, their patronage unrepre- 
Noted Of e single shilling. Punch called for tangible aid ; and a cor- 
respondent of the Herald— 

''Ojib of tub I'obuo— a Vwee— Aud Patwg Taxes wnicn I 

OBJECT TO lUVB DISSIPATED DT roST-O/EICE TilEOKIES AND ATTACKS 
OB THB 8ABBATII "— 

Yes, " Obb or TUB Public," who is moreover all the above, and, for 
the length of his signature, maf be the Sea-Serpent into the bargain— 
"Obb or TUB PuBUc" IS stung hyi^iM^A into practical sympatliv for 
HowLETT— and so, like indignant virtue,— comes down rap wiih £25 for 
the ei-postman. 



"J ^ ~ '"^l" ""■• ^ )-wlth all my heart, and wttb many tbanka to nowutrr-io 
MDd btm, thruiiKh your kind handa, CHS, and to raqtwft yoa to glTe It to lilm on 



" One fe«U the atmist dUns t at which tbc prrfuMil vie !ua as»apaid. aa ha tfafaki^ 

to diamiaa ihe poor maa'i cMc." 

Punch did cot attempt to dis*n!5s it; Punch dwelt coon it; sod 
the result is to the jocund Uowleti— £:25. *' Give Punch " ana 

"OffE"- 

** Give ApkA tba Tapid arid leatiawnu and rain beart-drrlBg; phUeaopfay at fcia 

glorify, and be is jrranl and fiiU of repedtioa: bat glT« fate On 

Kton.i to defend ia ilci?l;cUy and ainfWmlndedaMa, aad 1^ 

i^beUled aa iIk tlapirla^ ponrait ba vaeUy draw* of I ~ 



Yes; "A working-man" says "One,"— "a working man who eaa*t 
afford to pay thremcce for Punch, \9 of no account." Tefc her« hai 
Punch chiuDpionea the destitute Howlett. causing more good to the 
man by such championship, than whole columns ox Herald newapener 
—of letters, long as tape-worm, and with head and tail equally oie- 
tingnishable. 

" OxE " declares that " a professed wit "—and " OxE " meena AobaI 
by the cruel sneer— is, generally, a heartless felbw. Be it so. , "OiiA " 
nas paid for the opinion, and be shall enjoy it — every bit of it. It is 
only sound, solid, sulratantial dolness that has real heart in it. Trtid 
charity, like Portia** picture, is only to ba found cuketted in 
lead. Now, "Ose" —we are glad to proclaim it— "Obb" has ia 
him charity, at least. 

We beg to ask for HovLBTT-^ho sends the next £S6f— that 

Obe's" second £35 m» be forthcoming ? What meiohaat — beaker— 



churchmanr-or solicitor: What hero of the platform speaJo— in Bmkr 
note utterance— next ? 



triad hrffiltiMMbvr, .ma laUravWobaiB-flM^lBtVe 
OBfl-. la La BMffJ.iiNM. IB Ml PfMlMtai ^m\mr»tKit^am Cu 



nw*A ar St. Phcm^ Md VMdMlckMBBflC Bvaa^ or If 97 
Cuy of tBaiaa. aaa p>uiuk*t Br tbaa at Jf a. ■* , nm ntt» 



Inctaa, tatk (a tw Coaair aTMidfinn, T^mrfjm fhito 
iMafclatbBCiiyaflaaJiia S*waB*i.Jaa S«Ui HH* 



PUNCH OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



41 



PROSPECTS OF POLITICAL TBADE. 

'Wim.B every other kint) of busineas is fortunMely looking: up, the prospects of the Political 
Trade arc, to the traders themselves, far from encouraging. 

There is not mucb of ihe raw nia'erial of popular ignorance to give employment tolhe 
Great Grievance Mauufacturers wbo have usually found a market for their BtufTs, and llie con- 
slant cUck of those cver-workinit niilU, the ton^ties of the lalkative rr.emberp, will in all 
probability be stoppedforwant of the usual supply to keep tbem Roing. The work of the session 
u likely to be stnck, a circumstaiioe that is extremely satiffactory ; for when the work of 
legislation runs sbort, all other work seems to erjov a sta'e of braJIbfuI activity. 

Tbere app-rara no chance of any fre!*li imporlalion of material for working upin*o yam, 
with the exception, perhaps, of the usual cargo from Irrland, whicli always provides the 
hravirst conini(KhlirRo(the scf^sion. Tlie machinenr proyidfd by Government for the production 
of Ruch Icgi&lative fabrics as may b« in demand, will, it is expected, fcmisb the rpquisite supply ; 
and though the usual a'lempU will be made by some of the disaffected, to break the machinery 
up, there is every reason to believe that the peace of the house willuot be seriously disturbed 
by the Parliamentary malconlfnta. 

Tbe weavers of the legislative web-work, which usually gets into a s^ate of entaDglemeiit 
ai an early period of the session, will most of them he out of employ, but everythinr out of 
doora will he umcb brisker in couseouence. Kven the 6rm, or ra'her the iiiGrm of Dis&aeli and 
Company will be working at a dra'i loss, if they con'inue 'o work at all. for tbrir manufaciured 
stu^s cannot obtain a price in the market. There has been such a glut of tbfir wart-s.that th* 
public have become quite weary, and though iJlsiUEUamlCojupany may continue lo open (heir 
iDOuibs Tory wide — as the couimcrciid phrase gofs— they will not coi m&ud a single olTrr. 



tJLI«'vc 







bQ QQ ;u O c* • o 



?" 




COATS I— THE NOVELTY OF THE SEASON. 

Mji, Punch — as an universal genius — luw produced a Coat, that may he called ike Novelty 
of the Sf-ason. It ia denominated the LIVE- AND-LET-LIVE-COAT; being a most com- 
forlable garment for every time of the year, impar ing an honest anl pIcaRurable warmth lo the 
heart of the purchaser, and being made upon the pren.i^es, isnotcon*a<!iou5 with the Sweating 
Sickness — a disease that centuiies ago ravaged Kngland — and has of late re-appraredwith more 
than its original violence, many alarining cases — ^rom the uae of contagious icarracnts — having 
appeared in the very highest rank* of hfe,eDdangeriDg coronets, uianiuisate and duct). 

The LIVE-ANDLKTLIVE is of the best and noblest ma'e iaU— the wool interwoven 
with Goose Down; the Geese treated uj;>on the most lihrral principlen. bring only plucked 
onoeniib the most scrupulous rpgard to justice :— the LIVE-ANU- LET-LIVE Qf^ew being 
by no means such Geese as (he Kider Ducks, of which animals it is written by Mddie, in his 
*' Britith Birds," as follows: — "The nest of the tidcr duck is lined with eiqui'litely fine down, 
which the bird puiU fntn her bremt ; and ns the (gga arc dtpositcd "— (eggs made, by a 
certain modem process golden onei) — '*»he covers them with more « f that (inwn. Ttie bird 
is 10 tame (ktit ike eltotu the people to i'fi her from her neit, ilkmovs the down, and egos in 
PAET. ond axoin replace her, whrre [she lays a'resb, and polls mohe down ! Thii process 
u continued, not. only lill the fcnmle can farni^h no more down, hut iiU Ihe male also in in part. 
denuded, as he comes lo assist as ^oon as the supply of the female becomes exbaueted." 

Man, iu his mul ifarious inventions, or, rather, adaptations, is under the deepest debt to 
the lower animal''^ although he has rarely the justice even to confess the obtightion. As (be 
ooachmakcr owes the thouitht of his spring to the leg of a grasshopper, so docs Mr. Punch 



owe the idea of fau LIVE-AND-LET-LIVE 
CO\T to the sufferings of the Eider Duck. 
"Wbat."8aii i'aiKrA, ajmpathiiing with the poor 
plucked pair, "shall I pluck and pluck my poor 
tailor gee e until ihey are almost nuked, shall I 
lay upon them contributions until they csn supply 
no more, and then out of their very misery, out 
of their absolute nakedness, put economy into mf 
coa^s, and sell, not garments, but the blood and 
bones commingled, crushed, and with devil's dust, 
worked into a webf No: my tailor Ree*e shall 
not be plundered Etder Ducks, but Geese, made 
to contribute down, for down's worth — Geese 
plucked wiih Ibe fingers of mercy, and fed with 
the hand of justice. 

Ttie smallest q'lantity of goose-down obtained 
upon these prim iples has in it the warmth of aa 
angel's wing. U dtGes all cold, and even in 
a deluge, lets the torrent r\ui ofr i*. like water 
iroiii a duck's back. Many persons suffering 
under wha!wa3 considered by their best frj-nda 
and bitterest acquaintance, the most incurable 
confrBCi-m of (he heart, have — wearing the 
LlVE-AND-LET-LlVE-rtjoiced in a sudden 
expansion of the organ. Tliat " hollow muscle " 
—in the phrase o( anatomists— has dilated with 
the warntcst and most generous fluid, and — 
wonderful to relate — all the world and ail its men 
and women, have been regarded with sympathising 
and affectionate eyes by the LIVK-AWD-LKT- 
LIVE professor. 

Mr. Punch has no wish f o underrate (he works 
of his fellow-lahoiirers. It ih only to repeat a 
many-told fac*- to state that there are Coats made 
upon such principles that the pockets they contain 
are narrow and comfortless ai a rat-trap, and. 
therefore constantly fhunned by the fingers of 
Ihe wearer. It m othetwisr with the pockets of 
the LIVEAND LEl-LlVE. They are ample 
and coney, and have a ma^ic m the web of their 
lining, l hat upon every just and merciful occasion, 
incontinently draws the hand of the wearer into 
Iherr^. ]t is upon this i special account that the 
LIVE-AND-LET-LIVE has a!rea.iy been so 
lartely patronised by the Heads of the Nobility, 
and the Heads and Hearts and Mitres of toe 
Clergy. 

Mr. PifffrA has disdained to register his LIVB- 
AND-LEI'-LIVE. On the contrar)-, pailcmt 
are to be hud, gratis, at bisot&oe, Irom the rising 
to the going down of the sun. 

«r CAUTION. No sweater should rcDtura 
to apply, a pump being on the prendses. 



Wordsworth and Agriculture, 

A WANiTEB of getting through the world, 
strongly recommended by economy and sorne 
other conHideralions. is described by 'he distin- 
guished Wjllum Wordsworth as that of 

" ruin Urlng and high ILlukfiis." 

Just slightly alter these words into 

" Plato llrlns and high fwnUif,** 

and will Ihey not express Ihe very best conrB# 
that oould be suggested, just now, to the agriool- 
turists ? 

Trembling on the Verge of n Joke. 

Thr .^forKiHff Chronide was very nrara joke last 
week, but not quite. Talking of the shabby 
conduct of Ministers towards t he M.P, forCock- 
ermoutli.i' said that last ses^ionlbey comitlctety 
" unhorsed him off bis hobby." As the illuscd 
M. ?. in question is Mn, Hoksma^t, the ChronicU 
might as well have completed its joke, instead of 
leaving it to us to do. bv calling him Mr. Uk- 
UOnsKAK. iWe do not tc'th to he too Lira ppon 
fke '* CkrowiHe** fmt it w/Zy mwMi miike it* ova 
joket for the future. J l>et of our rknrge* map ke 
had at the Ojke,fnm j6S0 wpK>arde.\ 



Vol. XVIII.— IBOO. 



-5.<a,^«^ 



42 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



THFOSIITG POSES. 




OVT or THfi UOCaK. 



Wno 15 ttiLi tliKt hftranguetbf 

And plat orni rail b&iigt^th, 

Ail bluster, and bully, and hlunilfr— 

Wtioiu there's no liope of fiiKlit-'iiioff 

tVitb ParliomeDt ligliining ? 

*Xu " FsAKCus d(.i>i»g lie thunder," 



m TBX House. 

Bl'T who is (bis coward, 

ViOiH bis jilatrorrii do^vn lowered. 

Who is f»m tothpHuuse to knock under — 

Who »o huu.b1y up-rtiider* 

His accounts with SnigVEnders ? 

'Tis " i*'ZAKGC8 aUrmed at the thu&der." 



QUADRIUiE DKS PATINEURS. 
Jrranffee pour Its Checauj (TOmmhut, 4^ 

Babon Nathan has juftt be«n coqiposmK * new s«t of 
QiiKdrilIrs for Hordes, to be d>^iiC'd in the piiHUo stmiU 
wbinever the slipper? sinte ol' the roads wtil allow. 

We Jtubjoin a alight •ketch of ^be equestrian figures ;— 

The finf dance is I'llioer, which has evidently been tofi- 
Iffs'cd by l*Ef^, aiui is . aneed as follows : — 

First Omnibus advances. 

Second Uiuuihua advAuces. 

Tbey do the vis a-vi* orsi'veral miouiea, ih^n perfonnlbe 
g isiadeUom ri^ht to Itft, and from left lo ritEnt, and fall 
on tbrir reitiHcrivfl knort, affrr fttvcral la'aitcfz, hut, Qmiir^ 
tlit'.v cannot h.dunco tltt:ni?elvefl, tbr> execu c k lew Irtmbh- 
m«H9 da pi*d*, aud real ibcir booi*.* at fuU leoRtli on tbo 
wood paveuiCQ'. 

C*id jumps doarn, and di^cs Hie fucah'tr atttl. 

rolioeni.m advances anil, waviLg his rieht hand, ordera 
ibcMi *' 10 nio\e on." 

Koth OiiiTiibiiMes niain'ain their 6ni' pontton. 

Pttssengci's get out^ and cfnu»ti in alt direct ioQ», 

OinnibiiMcs vihef-1 round, and niake Ihe beat of it 

Grand Finale. Uur>c8 ictire to ibc knackers! 

rhr f^Cii.d figure is much more simple, ant is called 
Thr. HuMSQBi Fiinff, 

llunsom cliooscs a fftPc for hia partjirr fft' "■ y-rt;. 

Purlncr 1 brows binivrll into <lie arms o florae 

ininiediiilely cuts on the splii^hhoard a fr.\^ , .^.i with 

his hindlexs; Partner ruLires into tho fuiLlici'mo^k^ con er 
of Cab, Uor^e drups on one leer, and, after a rapid dot-u-dos^ 
leta do"n Partner in Ihe middle of the road. 

Gruitde Sonde of rtrangen ard pickpocket*, wbo lake 
ParlnrrS haidkerchi!, and c^o^5inJ^ ov. r to ihe other aldo 
of the wav, shulU" olfm doublc-timck (imc. 

Hop- Waltz b> Parmer into CUeiuiai's Shop. 

Hansom Widks olf. 

y.B, 1he General Finale of T&e Hansom Fling Is a 
Doctor*a BUI. 



4 



fcCBNES FROM THE LQ'E OF AN UNPROTECTED FEMALE. 

ScJE^Ji \Zr~iiii-'l' (if the Pv^t-Qffke, Si. Martin^iU Grand. The Unp»OTECTKD Vemalk, having "paii a liltle Bid'* /or a Fri^rnd 'n tha Cbwr/fy, 
hui ImeK rnpuid the a^iOunt bp a Pott Office Ofder, and ka$ got a* fur as tk Poii Offic9 in a desperate atlmpt lo get ii ca^iked. 



(/nproteetfd FfVtale tfdiiMg im f^-rplrifp ft the range qf d^n and 
vl^domi, duly described i» vrrjf large fncfiptirnt, *^ Accvaniant^ OJice'^ 
*' &eretay\-i Office." *' H-reieerGtwars Offire*' " Stamp* Murd h/re'* 
** Paid letter*." " Unpaid Ultert." " f/aiU going »tr 'Ireland, 
Jef*eUt Gverttneg, Jamaien^ Mexiro^ 4'e., *fv., ^g," " Par Newepaper* 
onfjrr " L-tters rea ited here after 8 '^ '•'TVi'* bin will be rlaed at — ." 
•' Stecttie Telrgreph Office.*' " Met'ogea received here.** — Pansea at the 
ioft). '*MeF&af^es received here." 1 wonder if ihev 'd pay me at ibis 
window, if I detirerfd ny nifSsageP [Knock* timid p^ and tcaiU.) Id<>n't 
think there's anybody coaiirig. {JKnock* again altttU I itder) What 
ft many windows (o be sure*! I wonder bow ever they get through 
their business. Is there evr uny tx>dy eo-iip^P 

[^Approaches to knock a thi'd lime, tflhen the i^s'ariicd into feinf>oratg 
imbectiitg by the hatrh being throtrn cioleut/g open from the imide, 
and ihe appariti/n qfa Man** Head presenting itieif. 

Man's Head Uh'trply), Now, MaVn ; what's your niespaee? 

Unproiectfd Female. Ob. if you please, I want to know where 1 'm to 
get nty monev for a Post-Office Order? 

Afant Head. \\ here at P 

UnpTQieeied Female. Oh, it only aava Post-OfRce, Market Weighton, 

Man** Head. Ott. Market Weighton; and what's the mcaaagel* 
Qire it me in wri iofc* please. 

UtproUded Femak {exircmelg confiaed). Oh, here 's the Order. 

[Pt/thee ii in. 

Man** Head {with an esprejuton rf peeviihHe**) . Why, llii* is a Pdst- 
OlUce Oruer. Uere, Ma am — attend. Do you wish any message 
telegraphed to Market Weigh'on about this Post-( »i}ire Order!* 

tJnprntecied Female. Oh, Mie money 's been raid at Marktrt Weiibton. 

Mtiu'* Head {concentrating U^elf in the effort to cuMceutrale theukinder- 
iagwii* qf tne Uvr&OTecTaD Kemals) What do you want, Mu'amP 
Hare you amy nie^save lor rite Kl rtric Teiexraph P 

Unprotected Female. ElfCiric Telegraph P (/'mw/erf.) Oh, dear 
it 'a a Post-OfBce Order— please ? I thought as messages . 



Man** Head {ditappearing^ as the AaicA elate* with a ilam). Go to 

the . 

[^Leaeirg it doubtful uhcther the direeiioa be to the Monty-Order Qfiee 

cr a warmer place. 

Unprotected Female. Yea— but where am I to go to! That *s just «)iAt 

I want to know. {Addrftiing herself to an mnoccMpi'd and Skedt p£BaoN, 

tr/.o M engaged in di^cuainga lakfd potato.) Ob, if you please, could you 

tell me where the Post-OOice Orders goP 

Seedy Perion {pausing in his progreu through the potato). Where 
they're sent, Marm. 

U"prircied F'mal^. Oh, lin^ I want one paid. 

*'eedy Person {p'ikting trith his potato io notice ** Money-Order Qfiee 
remoeed to No. I. Ald(rm"te Sireei.*') 

UnproterteH Femal . Oh, hut where ■# Aldersgn/e S'r^et P 
Se^/iy Person ibrig^tenif-g at th" proepef^i of m job^ and poeketting hit 
pjfato). I Ml !»how »ou lor Inpwnce — MArm. 

Unprotected Feeh/le (thankful fr any i,-uidanre). Ob, indeed, I wiith 
yon wuulii, and 1 wilt, ilnstitmte* a search fvr twop.'nce in her bgg. 

Seedy Person. T*iis way, Marm, 

[ScENB changes to th/f Mafcy-Order Office in Alderegaie Sireei. A 
range of slidi'>g h>Uch aoors runs acrfsa the room, wth labete 
abooe tlm " Or.^ert Paid," '* Order* ihantrd " The Udf^e in front 
qfihrm i* occupied by a crowd (fall Oi/es, »txe», f*nd i'ze% aboni 
eight to a bcoF—imd ik$ Clerks *etm to har^ combined for ihf pur- 
pone of eluding payment t/nny Order tthateoer There i < </ general 
expre *ioH tf imvatUncet mingled mth oceutionai resignation on 
the part of old hand*. 

Enter the Seedy Pebsou, showing in the Ujl?BOTECT£D FeJ1AL£. 

S^</ J'erson There yon are, Marm. 

U^proleclcd Female {jjayinghim ihe stipultUed fte) Oh, I 'm so mucti 
oblived o vou. [Exit SrEPt PsHfiuif. 

Unprotected Female fpau-nngto collect her en'rout) Oli, I wondtr i^ I 
ihttU have to wain till they're all served. (JShe *ii§ doten am ihe bencJk 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



ikal rum alof tlU wall bp the tide of a Boixr UL Fsxalb ^ ker own affe.) 
It 8a>8 " r»y*bU frvui irri till four." 1 wcnd<T \i I tlittll liitre ro w«it 
till four ? [Erprtn't thi% KQnier in her look at tfut dork 

l>ofeful Fe»rih {inUrpreiiHa her fethngt ecrreciip). 0)>, yes. Ma'&in, 
indeed jou wil, I've hrrn here IhPse two hours, imd Vfe tried ever 
so oflfn, but the men will pu»h in first. 

&Kproi€Ctfd FrmaU {in ogonv). Oil, I WM svro I OQgbl'nt to liATO 
come ftloce. But He. Jonks wouldn't. 

\A latM <^ OJK koHT M tupposed to $nferwMe, dwutg %ekiek ike 
UNPROTECTED Female hai tffeetnalip »'un\fefi hers^'f i% an 
eUemptto Blatter tht> InUnteUoHt on the bxrh of her Order, infer- 
ntpiti bn ten dintinct mehft at a ha/cA, ontp to see tomthodp 
etse pet thire before ker. She haa at ia»t nteeeeded in oeer- 
poteerinff a amali boy, and haa got command of a ffffon^Aole. 
UirPROTECTED Fema.le. iKitochinff with pardonable efveritjf on tie 
pannel). Oh, if >ou plewc, I 'vc been wai" ing rrcr so lonp. 

Clerk (wiMm, loh aeema to be ammiwg himafff with roantinff or«r fioid 
and ailoer very rapid/p, and Making it up into ttttlr< pi/fA, antl />« toHftg 
them dotM agoMf to gn over the tame procae backward*). In tt uioincut, 
Ma*aut. 

[Jn&i^er htnte if ten mnulet. 

Unproteeted Female (bitlerlp). Oh, really, if you pleaae, Sir— would 
you— 

Cierk (ahoieing a teonderfwl power qf not att^ding to anybody). Fire— 
ten — «ix— fight. {Geta at faet to a awn total.) Now. MR'am ? 

Vnprotectfd Female [with a gn*h of restr^n^d tpeec.h^ and puahing in 
her Order). A u Order, if you please -hf. Market WeiglifOD, for lour 
pounds ten, and it isn't clipped or mutilHted, and my surname ia 
Martha, and my Christian name is SmrooLCs, and I *ve no occupa- 
tion, and the party who paid it 1o me is a lady, who owed a Bmall 
account 

Clerk {qfter ttveral rain attempts to ttop her). Ma'am— Ma*am— con- 
found if. Ma'am. iTSii ij deiieered with sueh ialeneiiy. that it bringt the 
Usprotected Fkmaus tip thort.) Can't \ou read ? This is the window 
for granting Order*— not pajing them. 

If/urls her Order baek at her with diagnat, and retnmee kit oeenpaiion 
if keeping people icaitimg. 

Vnproteettd Female {overcome by her failure). I 'm tare itwu the only 
window I could get at. Oii, dear me : 

[A tapee of another hour^ during lehich the Ukphotbctbt) Femalb 
haaftrt^eralnp^ed heme!/ ocer the iHalrucliona, but has moitered 
the dtatimtion bctieeen the windou $ for groHting Orders, and the 
windomfor payinp them Tn the sixth attempt ahe hoe again 
establiahsd herscfat it tdndow. 
Unprotected Femtle ipuahing in her Order), An order on Market 
Weighion, please, for — 
Oenrdone Clerk {intide). They 'U pay you lower down. 

[Pnahet back her Order. 
Unproteeted Female (yearly reduced to coolnefa by deaperation). They 
fthall pay mr, next time, if I see the Post-MasterGeneral himself. 

{A iaote ^another half hour, which the UHrBOTECTFn Fekale hat 
devoted to mnie meala to the eonaideratioM ofpjrtiea, and viable 
demouairationa ijfMpUa»n»u. At laal ake tueeeeda " li>wer dovn." 
Uhprotbcxbd Female pushe* in her Order. 

Clerk (/woo* down). They'll pa? you higher up. 

Unprotected Female i firmly). They said higher up they 'd pay lower 
down, and I won't go, if }ou please, without the money. I've been 
be.'e three hours and a quarter. 

Clerk {oterpQfi*red by her obeioua deierminaiion). Where paid P 

Unproteeted Female {with nnntual brevity). Market Weignton. 

Cteek. Whob.? 

Umpeoteeted Female. A party of the name of Smith. 

Cbf'k Christian name F 

Unprotected Female. Oh, I wonder if it was LucT or Sarah, or 
Jatib or Mrs. Smith, or Ibeir aunt Suitherii that they 're expeotatione 
front, and tiiat lirea with thew P 

Clerk iattmlji). ChrisMan name? 

Unprotected Female {trie* the exhauatioe procesa). It isn't 8a&aH, Sir, 
is it? 

Clerk iatill more alemly). Christian name ? 

Unprotected Female. Is it Jams? But I shouldn't wonder if Mrs. 
Smithkus i«id if, and perhsps it 's in her name ? 

Clerk (Ringing hack Order). Surname, Chris' fan name, and occupation 
of naiiicR ohiaininjf ordsr luust be given ia full. See Tnifrruction!'. 

Unprotected Female (ranging denperatefy fo the hatch). Oh— nlease — it 
was one of ihe family, but there are half-a-doeen of them, ana I dou't 
know which. 

IShe ia borne back by new applicanta, andfalU exhanated and tearful 
* on the bench. Sczxa r/cK«, 



THE AMERICAN FLOATING DRAMA. 

INCE the Drama has been goins 
on so swimmingly in Amerie*, 
it is no wonder that, on the 
Mississippi and Ohio — accord* 
ing -0 the secount of Mr. 
IU}«TARD in describing his Pano- 
rama of ihoB? rivers — there are 
aotonlly floating thralrts, which 
travel from ci'v to eitr fituated 
along their banks. Dollsrs being 
rcarce in these regions, the pricea 
of admiftftion are oased on a sya- 
tem of barter; the sabstitale 
for hard ca^h hi ing, for instance, 
a bushel <f pot&'oe^, or two- 
dozrn eggs. Of course, any 
other useful commodities would 
be taken in lieu of lilrer, so that 
hsviiig no money in your pocket 
would be no onitacle to yciur 
feeing the play; pruvidfd you 
ha^l a penknife or a pencil case 
about 3011 tba*. jou could Br*f«- 
As the payments must be pro- 
portioned to the quality of the 
places ; supposing a seat in the 
gHllrry to be a pound of butter, 

we might conceive a place in the dress-circle to be a bUdder rf lard ; 

or a stall, a cherse ; whilst for a ftuuily box the charge would be, 
\ perhaps, a family joint. It is clear that the aquatic actors of America 

need nut starve. As to pota* oes and eegs, which are capable of ferving 
'aa missiles, we think, recollecting now our TransatUntio oouiina 
, treated Mr. Macrzapt, that there is a peculiar wisdom in taking alt 

Buob articles at the doors. 




POLITICAL FISTIANA. 



The Yotjihtul Stiwxer requests us to state that he ma? be beard 
of at the Pig and Tindrrbox by any parties, whether Free Traders or 
Froteetionists, that may happen to be passing that way. The Stxthvib 
will be happy to initiate (gentlemen of either wav of tninkinv into the 
mysteries of the fistic science; a knowledge of which has neoome so 
necessary to both sides at Pro-Cora-Law meetings, where the discnssion 
now consists of such literally knock-down arguments. The noble Art 
of Self-Defence the Stuttker contends is the beat resouroe of the Pro- 
tectiooitts ; whereas nothing cau be more desirable for the adrocatat 
of Free Trade tban a fair stand-up fight and no favour. YovTHTtn 
approves of the return to the good old English practice of deci'iing 
disputes by the fist, instead of by resoniog to the onmaoly use of the 
tongno and pen, and thinks that both cotton-spinnera and fanners 
would meet on equal ground in a mill. 



Something out of the Oomnaon. 

M0N8TETTR PROUDHON has just married a young lady of immenaa 
property. Now, if all " property is a tlieft." it is clear that Provdbom 
stands at present in the ignoble position of a reeeiver of stolen goods^ 
and the rrceivrr, we are told, is fully as bad as the thief. pRotTD'noir 
wai generally looked up to as " the Solomov of Communism/' but the 
result has proved he wa« nothing in common with ibe great naino. 
furt.her than being an Iret Solohoks. If tried by his own Laws of 
Property, ho would most certainly b^ condemned "guilty of a-fenoe.** 
The only thing he can do to save himself^ will be to restore the pro* 
I>erty. which he clearly, by his own confession, has stolen. 



The Unlwenal Luminary. 

Lord BRoroHAM is stated to have delivered a lecture on the snl^ect 
of heh'^. last Monday week, a^. the Institute of the Academy of Sciences 
at Paris, and to have illustrated his discourse by means of an apparatus 
which be bad got made by M. Solbu. In going to If. SoLca's. the 
noble and learned Lord went to the right shop fur the means of experi- 
menting on light, and doubtless was enabled by the help of SOLliL lo 
make bia theory as clear as noon-day. 



THE SCHOOL OE VLTRA REEORM. 

Mr. Fsarous O'Conkor and hi« party propose to convert tbe 
House of Comuions into the Charterhouse. 




Im •jf0.f.f*^tmh JJv *//'•, 'tf '-.A y' 



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Wtrftlijr Api*'Mmh<'» «m« jour ')i<lr(«<, Hrj'l rnfirvf* yi»iir riMlifiiriiniitiifftl 
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Iti llmMfMlMi'av'ff lih hf «il,ii|i'iii " llifi vrryiiri-ii' liMiKuin ton Iirvpk"', 
Villi Ink ft II Imiiiii, mill flim 'i«i r Hint |iiiif Iuhkhui woulil Ihi (Imr hL 
11*11 •lilHlH^a I 

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Immi** llml lliit|r limy lliiiflMlflf "lKk«i In" vuiLotn, williniii wulkiriK in 
fiif RVH iiilhulM |iUi|riiMil|r liitiiioy llin i*iiiiiiUr Utfin uf ** i{»i»iiig thtt 
ff'imd" llml U UliiK miImI limliU In tlin IimmiI lUyliRlil. 



-. . ; k "-.*■ w' M ." ' .* J-x - . i.Ti- ,r:::i 7, ;::^ iveiiing such 






THE CAPITALIST 









r. 



THE MOCKAUCTION. 

>x fcr *.;.e«s tiihr cr ren years, and 
r*"i^ CT'Ty (i'ly, fcr live cajs evrry 



:a;.h ''..f. M'.'^<- ^uc'i n is eeneral >" c.''*e.' . Ise has 

of h.* rari a. ;.e- I Tfi- arnioir.* »i'.a' r'^-'ff^l o**"* 

^'a- woj:! cr.v* llOTilsCHiLD iL*o :he worklioiis?. 

v>'-.hty/i r.'t\.ifj', — ^-0 expulsive or loo cheap— 

.'.'': - «:.. u ly a swer cacdelaijra, tlie ii'-xt a silver 

'; f.i r- i'.^ h*: »:. a':d a h lureti suiaea drrssinK-caae 



'.'.' Iiirii. ^i-y : 

ti.. •.'.'>. I:: 

'o;..- ';'.',r.-.ii i.r'jfj^r'y, »r.'i iri*t:^fcf*eniconan.useh:ni«el by biddinic 

a Hi.. ..r.v lor a h^'l*; tr j'r pTy [icn kr.: e. Wby, he iuu*t h.ve aome- 

vrii*T'; 4',Mi* 5f),W)//J'l wT.i£ri:vfts alrt-n'iy I 

1 r.#; sf'i', i'> li#: r-as'li'; t'nV«"»- liar.K^rir.s for are evilen'Iy razors. 
ari'l ;<■», '', . ^< a* li s i-i.-li /rn hfrar-t, you wouli fancy he never »havea 
U'f.tx til.*; u.','..'\\ *'> ar;'.tniTf. Tsi*; hairs s ici: 'ui 0:1 hi« cvin Hke ihe 
Hiri'iiii h rr.-i'.'-al iiiiiif1-h<x. If is niO»t. amtisin? to valch htui whra 
til*; raxorii nxf l.-i-'iM rout.d. 11^ will sna'ch one off ihe tray, arawthe 
f'iKf; nrro'n lui f.a 1. hr'ra'lir Upon it, tlien holil U up to *he li<h', and, 
a'tfir wi|iuiK it in th*: ^*-\\\\*:**y manner ii[X)n the cut) of his coat, bid for 
i>. aa rav<wK'H*ily ai if hr: wniiM not los^ the sc-trce articU for all the 
wfhl'h ofdi*! .Minori»-!f, Jl': lias ch-arly a mania for raurs. 
I Wha*. hi: iIokh wirli all fli*; articiea he buys we cannot tell. If the 
{'fciili-rhnieon wrn; hin, it, wo»)'l cut be large enough to contain all the 
nibbiHJi liK ha*i hern accuninUlinBr the^e lut fen years. His collection 
of »i(li;l)Oar(i!i alone would fill ]i>do Park, and he must possess by this 
tune more diiinb- waiters than there are real wbiters in linfcland. The 
niiiiilier of boot-jaf;k<i, alio, which he must have upon his hands would 
have nniHhed any oth^r man Ionf( ago. How lie stands up against this 
dailr aenitnula'ion of fiirnilurc in a Irial of strength thnt but few men 
in ttm (/ily could endure ! Any body else's fortune would hare bf*en 
broken with one half the load that he must have upon LU mind. We 
havu actually seen him carry off lix chests of drawers in one morning ! 




I 



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a. 

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p. a - a. 



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PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARr\ARl. 



47 



It TDAj be tli&t he pvea a gtttX deal away, for be in Cfirtainlr very 
libffnU— o'herwise wlut can De want with tbe innamermble work^xM, 
broochea, and thiuibles be is for ever ^tircbaains? We are sure 
the C«pitali5t of a MookAuction is a rrry tomt hukhand, and that he 
hai a very Urge family of daughters, and that be never goea honic lo 
the bo^oni of his ftmilj' without some little trillc lucked under hi& arin» 
lo conTiQce his dear wifr, and eacti of bis di^ar children, that., even in 
the nddst of hi« boundless speculatioas, bis thoughts at times rest 
lovingly upon thrm. 

The CaiiiiAli&t at a Mock-Auotion is calm, self-pOAsessed, Diild, afiable, 
and far from arrozant. as you would suppose from tbe enormiiy of his 
wralt}] be must be. IfaatraoK^r comes into the arena of his many 
triumphs, ( e gives way directly, and ceases bidding in bis favour. Is 
not titis conUe9cen>ion in one who has only to nod, and tbe mos^ 
expensive articte in (he shop, nay, the entire shop itself, would be 
imntiiiately knocked do^rn to bimf 

You rever would fuppose from I he Capitalist's appearance that he 
tvAR &0 iucaiculably rich aa be is. His dress, it must be confes-ed, is 
rather shabby. A ruKty bUck suit is all that emhcllishes l-ini. and bis 
fairly bAudii ate ungloved. But th^sc are little ecccntrtci' 'ei 'hat. 
Wt-al'b is privilege! to iuiUil;;e in. A man ibat &p;:n;:s from ii^SOO to 
£'2000 a day merely in trifles and eleiancics can well afford to be a 
Utile negligent in his person I 

The nam© of the Capi^nIi^t ha* always l>ecn a mystery. We have 
watciied hioi when a Frpnch clock, worth at least £S0, has been 
knocked down to bim for £10, and waited in anxie'y for bmi lo pro- 
nounce the mvsifriousDame — but all in vain, A coDfJdcrn'ial smile was 
all that DftsBcd brtveen him and the Auc'ioneer, and ibe clock wns pu* 
on the 'iielf. In fact, his face is sofamiliiir to every one contiectrd with 
ihe eslahlii'limenl, from tlir Inrffe pnrrhasf« he is contintially mj<kin|f, 
that it is quuo unnfoebsary for bim to give his name, and ye', wh' n we 
asked one of the porters who lie was, the stupid man could not 
tril us. It is very strange tliat one who spends so mucti should bo so 
little known 1 

As the clock struck Gve one day, we no! iced tbe Capitalist was pre- 
paring to go to his dinner. We followed bin), and fonna ourselves 
leated opposite lo him in one of the many eaiitig-liouses iliat run round 
the Poultry. We naturally expected he vou'd order turtle, ic-d puijcb, 
venwon, ortolans young p as, every expensive delicacy of \hf season ; 
but will itlw Iwlirvcd, ttiatthat great Capiralist, whn hal been Ihvisbing 
his bundre<U all day, did not spend nioi o than l'H(^* upon his dinner, 
including his )ialf':in(l-half and the waiter? 

He started honie, but oJled for no oab. " Well, you are a curious 
n iiture," thought we, '"of eiiravarancc and economy." We w.. Iked 
afier him, in silent admiral ion. He sfopp'-d, in a byestrerf, nnd 
darlod into one of themns^ wretched-looking houses. Soon afterwards 
we suied a liglit at the top part of tbe bouse. "Isi' possible," we 
couM not help cxclaiminr, "that in tba* lorrly garrrt lire* one of the 
greatest Capitalists of tbe present day P " No wonder that he has not 
room 10 accomriiodate all the aideboarda he is perpetually buying ! 

Tbu occurred a week ago. Since then we have had reason to Kuspeot 
the honesty or, a^. Iraat, the sanity, of our friend iheCapt^al^st. W-tcr. 
day we looked in at a Modt-Aucliuu. The indefaiigabls Capitalist 
was there, as usual. A valuable maboijany sideboard had just bmn 
knocked down to him (or £18 KV. 

At twelv? n'clr>ck we ptused again. Another sideboard was knocked 
to him for £19 b*. 

At three we pa<4^ed a third time, »nd again he bad another sideboard 
knocked down lo turn for £18 7». 61/.4 and on inspection we found ho 
had purchased thrre rinica over the same ptece of furuiture. Ho had 
given upwards of £60 fur the fame si if board 1 

We suspected ourn.anius an'ly. Our admiration fell into the gutter. 
It was evident he wa^ no more a Capitalist than we were. He 
wasonly playing the lartnf ItoTiLsciiiLD for something like two shillings 
a dny. Vrnly, every" hing a' a Mock-Auction is mock, from Iho Auc- 
tioneer down to the Capitalist I 




A Mockery, a D«luaion, and a Snare. 
We peroeivp by the railway intelligence of the past week that one of 
the larxe companies haa given its resident engineer a portrait of himself 
and £500 worth of stock at par. Considt-ring that everything in the 
Ballway world is now at a tremendouH dix-ount, the presentation of 
anytking at par to anybody is like giving bim a ravenous bear, for it is ten 
toone hut trie shares will rat bim up m future calls, to say nothing of 
the actual difference between acoep^bg at par what may be already at 
diioount. The portrait may give the affair a different complexiOF>, and 
at ail evcnta it is better to be done in oU 1 ban dona in railway tecuriLiei. 

TSBTB WABRaNTBO TO BITE. 

FoK tbe supply of ktst teeth never think of consulting a regular 
praoli'ioner in dental surgery. Go to an advertising d^nti^it, who wdi 
ottlv charge you 90 guineas a eel for teeth, wlucb, you m^y depend unun 

ir, will ceitainlv bite the purchaaer. One trial (which look place 

laat week, in a law court) will prove the fact. 



A NOTE FROM ELYSIUM, 

B see you Iir*re 
every week, Mr. 
PmmcA — imlrcd, 
would it he Ely- 
sium wi'hout 
you— and,iherc- 
tore, Hs a oon- 
etantrcadoi.and 
as a brother 
quill, a broibij* 
who was ever 
pioud of his bit 
of goo^e — even 
Wheu I « an led a 
dinner— I have 
to rcgue-t a 
word thiougb 
y OU to I he 
rro'ecticnisJs. 
shades as wa are, we are s'ill suaotpiibic of what you say of us above; 
and feel aa much delight when now editions of u^ comr nut. as 1 was 
delighted in my blooni-coloured couf, luade by John ViUBt, at the 
Harrow, in Water l/ane. If, then, we are pleasaiiUy ulive to a com- 
pliiiirnt, we are no less susceptible of vulgar usage. We do rol like 
our tinea pressed into wrongful service. It is a lort of moral forgery 
oommitled npon ns. that »tirs our ioHor. Nom^, 1 who, n-hil-t iu)oiir 
world, w-aa one of the least irri able of creatures, I, who had not a drop 
of vanity of ink in my whole bcdy— reen 1, am conip»lleJ to couiplaiii 
of the treatment that my poetry daily sus'aiim at the mouths ot the 
'ProuctiontalV hs fhcy call thtniselves. The ili-uaed bnea— if I 
remember them aright — are these: — 

" ' PrlncM and IoMr ni»r fi(rart»h iinJ lony fudp, 
A bnatl) can nuke tuem u k lireiLili luu muto.' 

" Now, Mr, Punek^ these Princes and Ivords have been put upon suob 
bard service — have be<'n so pawed ani mauled abou', ihiit, I am sure of 
it, I hey are bv no mrans the samp people iIih) orumalty came out of H'y 
iiik-tK>Ml.'. The Princes, are Phincb Purttymass. and lb« Lords, 
LobdNoodl£S. I p'-otrst.iV/-. i'Kjwjt, 1 will notendurelbis. Again:— 

** Bnt ■ bold peuiintry, tbelr romitrjr'a pride. 
When onc« denmiy'd can nercr ho &iij>[>llo<].' 

"My peasantry were sturdy, rrd-cbcekcd feliov»s. with smockfrocks 
whi'e as daisif-s on Ibem, — now, ihtae 'ijcasantry' hwve been fo 
worked hnd belaboured at public meetings, that t ffbi>iildii*t. know th* m 
from serfs or Hotteuiots. I must request, iVr. /*tfiiiJ">J, 1 hat my pro- 
P'-rty— 'he property eiisbrined in the four lines riicd ahovc, be in luture 
respccied, fur a twelvemonth— .'ay a t welvemouth, at least— not expoaed 
ei' her in parliament or upon platforms. 

" We have a great deal of fun here, especially with our k'o ori iM, 
wh' m we now and Iben turn out and hunt, juat as you, in ihc upper 
world, bunt bares : only there ia tbia disaiivantage in our sport, we 
caunoL eat our game that, although duly killed forthetiuie, is iilive again 
for new diversion. But no one, better than ynurself, Pvnek, knows 
that critics, like turtles, are vary hard to kill. Likp tur'.les, 100, they 
have been tnown to live for a long timci without Ihtir brains. 

'* Xou wmdd hardly know Johnson— he baa turned so droll and 
frisky. He is atill attended by Baubkb, bia black servant ; only be is 
not black here, all being of the same colour in Elysium, a melauo'^oly 
fact that may cause very virtuous disgust in the bosom of Tuomas 
Cajilyle. wbose lettrr, by the »ay, upmi ^Uv^^y, in a lule Prater, was 
publicly burnt here by an indignant flash from Al-OLLO— irom that 
iM.uartial God, who»e lighf hghs all ; and even Cahltle 'a *clephanl* 
England, and my own rat* Ireland. 

" But to r»-iuni lo JouKSON: I eeni you lis U»t conundrum. Only 
think of \Rajtelas' making conurdrums! But here are kU soria of 
contradidions- all kinds of pretty nmenitir;!. I could show yr u a 
ptt'tern for a sampler dra*n by IUphaiel, and a tob-cc'-^lonpcr, 
carvrd and presentrd to Fajlb, I mean 'he UocTon. not the Pill PaRB, 
by MicuAEL Akoblo. But. Johnson's conundrum— it ii of course 
at tbe expense of BoawuLL. 'What,' says the Doctor, 'What ia 
the cause of the scarcity of tiitiber in Scotland?' Nohodv could 
guess it— not even Mebcubt, ' Whr, Sirs, this— because every Scotch- 
man, when be comes to yeara of discrei ion, cuts hi* R'ick.* 

" What ttiink you of that from the 'Vaoity of Human Wishes f* 
" Yours affectionately, dear Punch. 

" OuTKK Golhsmxtb." 

" P.8. RiiHOLDa and Flaxuak. with a crowd of painters und 
sculp'ors, hsTe been lookinic and wonderine nil 'ho afternoon at Doyle's 
book of ' Manners and Ccstoms qf pe Snglynht* winch even IUt.nouds 
pronounces * nuracidoui ! ' B* ihe wuy, Sia Jo-hua sends Woyle a 
•ubjeot, an allegory of the Protecting Landlord and the Prnt.ecled 
tarmcr. Tlie subject ia tbi^- A Vamp're Hnl, MctdiTig i's sleeping 
Tiotuu ; blficdiug and gently fanning winU it bleeds. Will it do F *' 



I 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



THE DWARF AND THE GIANT. 




We never remember such a evirious illuatralion of Ibe old puff of 
"Two Exhibitiona in One," m ihhi afforded by ihe career of Locw 
Napoleon. Little more tliaa a year ago he was looked upon as a 
politjcnl dwarf, and errry bodj was laiiphing; at the idra of ao very small 
an objec' beinf^ pUced iti a conspicuous po«itioD, for it was felt almost 
universally, that to rlevate it pea de ekoie wa« not to uphold him, but to 
hold liitii up to ridicule. France tieenied to beading the part of show- 
man in the midal of the fantastic absurdities of its revolution, and 
appeared lo be or>inf; out to the rest of Europe, " Walk up, here, walk 
lip. You are now in time to see the llcpublican dwarf, the smallest 
President in the world. ^\'iilk up. and you will tee a worthy follower 
of tbe American General Tou Thumb, so famoua for hia miniature 
copy of thd £iiFEROib Na?OLEOK." 



Scarcclr »ix months, however, had e!a|)sed, when the dwarf oom- 
nitnced shooting up in a manner that surprised (he whole world, which 
bad not been prepared for the upshot. Time's trltscopa has siuca 
acted as a maKnifving glass of the moat extraordinary power, for when 
iX the close of 1849 we look at the dwarf of 1S4^S, we find tliat. he baa 
cutgrown all knowledge, and if he should oul-grow his own strength, 
■lis rapid aggraodiaeatcnt will prove in iho end to have been a 
^rowing evil. 

It is nofc surprising that a man, who seems to place no limits tx) hit 
owtt political growth, should refuse 1o be restricted bv any measures 
whatever. We never saw a more complete instance of an ell having 
been taken, where only an inch was intended to be given. 



ISLK OF DOGS A PENAL SETTLEMENT. 

As it appears that all our Colonies have given notice to EaRL Gret 
that none of our convicts shall lodge and board with them, ii. has bet-n 
de'eriuiued by the Colonial Minister to m»ke the hie of Doars a penal 
settlement. It is calculated thxt the isUnd will accommodut', well- 
packf^, about 100,000 I'elous. All communicatiou will be cut otf wi^h 
the iiUud, and acordon sanitaiie estabtisbed upon ihe opposite shore's. 
We are further enabled to iiiforoi our readeis th^t Mr. Gkorge 
HoDsoN, uewlf-cleanscd and sweetenc^l for the office, will he appoiutrd 
Governur of the Island, with permissiua occasir-nally lo hoiat \i\\ fl«g— 
three stags in a field improper— on board the /Fjv. Government engi- 
neers and architects have been ordered to the island, to make the 
necessary prepara'ioni, and lo commence the building of a mansion for 
the Governor The mansion, i'. is understood, will be of the I. O. Unic 
order, faced — and very boldly faced— with oomposilion. 



A Coroner on Fire. 



I 



The Coroner for the City of London is so warm in his official 2fal, 
that he insists upon silting on every fire ho hears of. Some people 
ohj ct to his doing so, and be no sooner sits upon a fire than he finds 
himself hauled over the coals rather unceremoniously. His Salaman- 
drtne ambition proves a spirit deeply imhncd with the philosophy of 
Houus. and there is no doubt tha^, in silling upon a fire, he feels lie has 
an a'ldilional range — though sometimes a kitchen range — of usefulness. 
'1 he Coroner takes very goodtemperedly all the remarks made u'oun his 
alleged ofHciousness, and indeed it is not surprising that a functionary, 
who ii alwwa ready to sit upon a fire, should not be ea&il^ put out, and 
requires a great deal of cold water lo be thrown upon him, before his 
enthusiasm is completely damped. 



THE HEiLTH OF EUROPE DURING THE LAST WEEK. 

F&AircE is excessivply weak, and her consfitution is gradually break- 
ing up. She says she has the weight of a mountun on her breast that 
pieveuts her lismg. She still complaina bitterly of the great vacuum 
m her chest'. 

Russia has been troubled with a sHght attack of yellow feyer. 
B'eeuinfl; was recommended, and wa* insfan ly carried out to a copious 
extent in the Ci'y. Rua-'ift has fell very much better siuce, aud ia 
very tbaukful to England for ihs unexpected relief. 

Austria is endeavouring to re^m the strength she has lost in 
Hungary. She ia still ntunned wirh the dreadful blow she received 
ilifrc, which was nearly the deailiof her. She is recommended to keep 
t|uiet for some time to come. 

England is collfotlng her members together, and rubbing them up 
for the grand light t hat is expect.ed to come off on the 3Ui instant. She 
feels quite strong enough, sbe says, to spurn the smallest offer of 
" Protect ion." 

Ireland is still very low and weak, but hopes to pickup a little during 
(he Session. She is strictly ordered not to make a noise, and to refrain 
from all quack medicines. 



CLERICAL CONUNDRUJl. 



Q. WuT is the case of Goaiuu p. Thk Bishop or Exbtbk, in the 
view of the Privy Council, like Professor Keller of ploatto notoriety F 
A. Because it '« a poser. 



TUa RAILWAY BHARE-BIAAIUT. 

A BLionT rise in the pric3 nf wasteusper has given en impstus fo 
almost every description of Railway Bliares : and there is no doubt 
that when some of llie hravier stock — the coarse cartridge paper — has 
been cleared off, the heavier railway stock will Bynpathtsc. 



A SIBTHORP. 



k 



Q. When will the Irish people cease (o call for repeal f 

J* When there are no fools left wiikin iViW, to listen lo Ibeni- 



Tne crflXQxs or otm oov)9try. 
" HoflViTALiTY (like property) has its duties aa wrll as its ritm**^ 
and this is best proved by the duties that are nlwaya levied at the 
Custom House whenever a strauger lands in England to partake of ita 

hospitality. 



KJENTISU FIRE AND SUOKB. 



Wr have often heard of Krntiih fire at public assemblies, but never, 
bitbc:tt«\ of any Ken'ish smoke, though the fire in question is usually 
accompanied bv much vapour. Kentish fmoke^ however, of the deiiseat 
kind, was emitted last week by the Pro-Com-Law orators on Penendea 
Heath. 



I 

4 

H 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



49 



GENEROUS KEDUCTION OF RENT. 

Ma. JoHif O'COKKBLL held his meeting of tenants in Dublin last 
week. Jt w&B not very numerously atspmbled, for we doubt if the 
number of his tenants exceeded ten. Mk. Jomv O'Connell said he 
vvuitlii detain ttieui but a few minutes. He then l>egan a apeech which 
lastrd two bonrv. In the course of it he aaid, " He had heard a great 
deal of the hardness of the ttnie«. and he must say they wrre parlicu- 
l^rly hard upon him. for let him worlc m bard as he would, he couM 
hardly make a decent penny. Aa fur Kepeal. it was fairly reduced to 
it» last penny. What did he rn&ke last week? Why only ttnpencc- 
halfpenny 1 And the wet^k brfore? Why«nolhinR but adirty fourpeuny* 
bit! He should like to reduce their rents, hut, in the face of such 
terrible truths, how could he do it ? However, he was the last man to 
lax their good-nature, and so he would leave the matter entirely to their 
generosity. As for hiuiself. he didn't wk for anvfhing! They might 
give exactly what they pIcAsed." [Tremendoui chtcring, toMck latted 
iecerai mtHmt^s) 

After this the Meetinir separated, and we are happy to stale that in 
consequrDCc of the liberal proposal of M*. John Cosxell, every one 
availeil himself of it ; ana as the rent was left eulirely to them, thev 
tliought the best thiDg was to leave it alone. The amount of " licnt/' 
therefore, collected at the doors did not exceed a penny postage stamp. 
and there aic some strong douois whether that baa not beeu used 
before 1 



THOUGHTS ON A NEW COMEDY. 
{Being a LeiUrfrom M&. J— A Plvsh to a FrUnd.) 

" Whell of Fortune, Ban, 

"Mt Dkaji Rntctn, ^'JeTivimry twenty Jith, 

**Mh and Mary Hank was very much pleased with ibc box 
of feznia and woodcox, which jou sent us, both for the attention 
which was dellygit, and because the burds waa uncommon good and 
full of flaviour. Some we gev away : some we bett : and I leave you 
to emailgin lliat the Idann tA sent em will holways find a glass of 
aomtthink comforablo in our Barr ; and I hope youll soon come back 
to Ijondon, Kinceo, my boy. Your acount of the Servants* all fesliv- 
Tatiea at Fitzbattlcaxe Caatle, and your dancing Sir Rodjydycovyly (I 
dont know hovr to suell it) with L&dt Havgdsteb, emuaed Ma&Y 
Qakn vtry mucli. Tnat sottathiug ia very well— onat a year or to : 
but in my time I thought the fun didnt begin until the great folks h«d 
(tone away. Give my kind tuvvices to Mus. Lupin, and tell MoHSiiEa 
Basniufu. with my and Makt Haxn's best wuhes, that our Uttlo 
Fanny can play several tunes on his planner. Comps to oM 
Coachy. 

" Till parlymint nolhink ia atirring, and ihercs no noose to give you 
or fill my sheat — igvept (and I dessay this will surprizs you)— igaept I 
talk about the new Flay, 

" Although Im not genly a paHemiser of the Crammer, which 
it int«rfcara very nmch with my abbits and ixpeshly ia not plesnt 
dareckly after dinner to set ligfT to a culd thcafter for a middle- 
Hago Mann, who likes to fake things beasy; yet, my dear feller, 
I do from time to titue step in (with a border) to the walls of the 
little Ayoiarket or Old Dewry, sometimes to give a treat to Mhs. 
Jkaius and the younguns, sometimes to wild awa;ra bidle hour when 
ahea out&town or outatemper (which sometimes wilt ocur in the best 
reglated famlies you know) or when some private mellumcoUy or sorrer 
of niv own is a hagitating bof me. 

*' Yesdy evening it was none of these motib which iujuiced me to go 
to the tueayter—l had heard there was aoommady jcat brought out, 
inwulviiiff the carricklerof our profession — tha' protcshn which you 
and me NJLu. Uikc£B, did oust belong to — I'm not above that profeshn. 
I ave its hintarcsta and Hunor at art : and of hevery man that wears 
the Flush, I say tiiat Mann ia my Brother — (uot that I need be pfaonder 
of him for that, on the contry« I reckleot at our sc)k>o1 where 1 lunt 
Iho fust rules of athography and grammer, the Brothers were holwis a 
pitclien into heach other)— bat in fine, I lore the Flush of hold days, 
and hah I 1 regret that hold Fatiuk TiiiE is doing somethbk to uy 
hit, which wighlns it more pumminanlly than the Powder which once 
I warl 

"A. commady. Sir, lia^ been brought out, (which Im surpriacd it aint 
been mentioned at my Barr, thouj^h to be sure moae gents is keeping 
Griimass Olydays in the Ciumry) in which 1 was crcdilably infomtmed 
— one of bus — one of the old Ptu»he^ — why should 1 fxitiie to »ay, a 
Footman, forms the prirsple drammitis-pursony. How is ay border 
represented on the British S^age I hast myself? Are we apoke of 
reapeckful or otherwise ? Does anybody inear at our youniiorm or 
purfcahnP I waa determingd to see ; and in ca^ of hanythink inslant 
neing eaid of us, 1 took a key with ute in border to ias propply ; and 
bou^t sevnj horringers yat to make uce of em if I sor any nneuaty. 

" jly dear Bj^cbil. 1 greave to say» that though there wia nothink 
•giinst oar puifcahn aaid in the pease— and though the uost delligit 



and senaatif footman (and Ive known no men of more dellixy of feelin 
and sensabtllatr than a well reglated footman is whether bin or bout of 
iivry) could find folt with the lamgmidge of the T4ew Commadv of " leap 
year." jet Us priosples ia dangerous to publick maralaty, as likewise to 
our beloved purfeahn. 

"The plot of the Pease is founderd upon a hancieut Lor, which tho 
Uauther, Ma. Bcckstonb, discovned in an uncommon hold book, and 
by whioh it epears that in Lip-Year (or whals called Bisiixdile in 
Istronnamy) it is the women who have the libbaty of choosing their 
Ubbands, and not as in homary times, rtie men who choose their wi?ea 
(I rrckmend you old feller who are a reglar hold Batchylor, to look out 
in the Ormnack for Lip Year, and kip noui of tie uay that year) and 
tills pragttoe must be common Enough in Heugland, for a commady is a 
r^prasentation of natur, and in this one, every one of the women asts 
eveiy one of the men lo marry : igsept one, and she asts two of em. 

"Onst upon a time there waa an old geulum by the name of 
Flowerdkw as married a young woman^ who became in consouinoe 
Mrs Flora Flowkildew. She made this hold buck so Appy auring 
Uic breaf coarse of hia meddrimoniai career, that he left a will, border- 
ing hfr to marry agin before three years was over, failing vich, hevary 
«hillin of his proppaty should co to his nex llair. Aving maid these 
destimentry eraugeuieuts hold FLOW£iu>£w died. Peace be to his 
Hashi^! 

" His widder didnt cry much (fur betwigat you and me F. must have 
been raytber a silly old feller), but lived on in a genteal manner in a 
house somewhere in the drecshoo of Amstid I shoiud think, entertaining 
her frends like a lady : and like a lady she kcp her ooachman and groom : 
had her own maid, a cook & housemaid of coarse, a page acdaMANN. 

*• If / had been u widder 1 would have chcas a Man of a belter Ithe, 
than Mkp. Fi/jwEHJtw did. Rethink becomc^t a footman sn much as 
Ithe. Its that which dixtinguidges us from the wulnr, and I greave to 
say in Ibis pediokkr the gentleman as bacted Viluau Valxxb, Mns. F's 
man, was sadly dcfishnt. He was respeckble, quiet, horderly, hactive 
—but bis figger I must ray was no go. You and me Kincbr avo seen 
footmen uia know whats the proper sort— seen em F Hah, what 
men there wa^ in hour time ! Do you reckleol Bill the Maypole as 
was with us at Lord Akmebsmitus F What a chap that was ! what 
a leg be ad ! The young men are not like us. Ton Kikckk,— but 1 am 
diwerging from my tail^ which I rcshume. 

" X didonarive at the oommeosment of the drummer (for tbeir wa4 a 
Puriy a settling his akower in my Barr which kep me a cumscdentble 
time), but when I hentcrcd the theaytre I fown myself in presnts of 
Ma. & Mb£. C. Keam in a droring-roomb, Mns. K. at a tabble pertend- 
ing to right letters, or (o so ankyshuffs, or somethink, Mb.. K. a elapsing 
bis ks, a rowling his his, and a quoa'ing poa'ry & Btkou and that sort 
of thing bke anythinL 

**Mhs. Keait. shewBstbewiddo, and MilK. he wasViLLUlf the man. 
He wasnt a Buttler dear Hiacea like U. Uewasnt groom of the 
Chiuibera like Mil. Mkvt at my Lords (to wbomb my best eom- 
plymince), be wasnt a mear footman, be wasnt a pan : but he was 
a mixfcr of all 4. He had trowties like a page with a red strip; he had a 
coatlikeaUunndresa Jghn ; he had the helegant mialarv of Mk. Mewt, 
and there was a graceful abanding and a daggijay hair a^out him which 
I whish it was more adopted in our purfeslm. 

" Haltlio in hour time, dear Hinceil we didn quoat BruoM and 
&H1KSFYBU in the droring-room to the laoies of the famly, pmps things 
is haltered sins the marge of kinlaUcl, and the young Jeauess do talk 
po'rv'.— Well, for sevral year?, during which be bad bran in Mas. F.'s 
servjoc, AValkkr hul bera goin on in this manner, and it was faeaay at 
one: to see at the very hopeuiug of the pease, from the manner of musia 
and man, that there was more t^an the common sewdUt ies of a lady and 
a genloiau in livary goin on between em, and in oue word that they 
were p<L8hintly in love with each other. This wont surpiize w>u 
Hixczii. my boy; and in the coarse of m^ exoearance I might tell a 
story or two — Lady Ha&abellab! but Honor forbids, and Im 
mumm. 

" Several shutors come to whoo the widow ; but none, and no great 
wonder, have made an impresbn on her heart. One she takes a* a 
hmbana on trial — and he went out to dinner oa the very fust day of 
his apprentiabip, and came home intog^icattd. Another whomb she 
would not have, a Captain in the Harmy, pulls out a bill when she 
refuses him, and requestes her to pay for his loss of time, and the 
clothes he has bordered m border to captiwatr lier. Finely the piece 
hcnds by the widdo proposing to Willlak Walkxb, hex servant) and 
marrying that pusson. 

*' I don't bask whether widdos take nshands on trial. I do not pores 
to inquier whether Captings send in bills of costs for ooortship, or 
igsamming other absudoafies in Ibis Commady. I look it purfeshnly, 
and I Ijok at it gravely, BufCER. Hand, 1 cant help seoog that ts 
diUigerous to our norder, and subwussive of domestic maralaiy. 

"I say Iheres a Pnna[>te in a honist foo'man which should make 
him purtest and rewolt aginst suoh doctorings as tbese. A fatle pashn 
may OApa bany day to hany Mann; as n ctiiuibly-pott may drop on bis 
bead, or a homnibus drive hover him. We cant help fallkg in love 
with a fine woman— we are men : we are fine men praps ; and prapt 



>£s^6rfvV?'. 




50 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



ahe ntutm our Wd^r. But whMs Ihe UMof itf There co» be no iD%rrid|ei bet wen 
footmen md Umilies in whicU they live. There '» » Lor of Nator »g*iiut if, uid it 

tltould b« wTolo Jo Ilia prayef-books for the use of JoiiK* tb*t «, maa iu*F not tuArrr 
hU Misim— It'lhia kind of thiitff w« to go on hoftenjUere would b^ an end to domialic 
life. JOHH would be bolways up in the droriajf room coiiriinff: or Miss wo-uld be for 
liorcr dowD in tfio p*utry : you'd ffct no vphirk done. How could beclcan bis plate propplj 
wiU Mis* holding one of iiis anda sitlin on ihe knife bordP It's impawsablc- Wc ctuij 
marry in ofher fjoilies but not in our iiown. We have eacli our spears an »e haTeMch our 
BelU* Tliairs i» the fust flor ; hour* is the baaemiDt. A man who marris bis Miisiis hioffer* 
Lib purfe*hflAl brutberiaf. I would cut lb*t Man dedd itho married hii Miwis. I would 
bUckb*wl him at the clubb. Let it oust git abrtad that we do ao, ns^d famUea will leaTft off 
iriog footmen haltogetlier hnd be 'Weighted upon by maids, wliich llie young Udits cant marry 
them, and I leave you lo aay wbttUcr the purfeibn isnt a good on^, and wbetber it woodnt 
be a pity to spoil it. 

louii ueTer mj dear Iuitceil 

"o^ /^ Dure OF FiTZBATTUA^caj 

*'BUbsiUiaM CffMtU, FLnUkvrt." 




The "Kma ptvsji uLTBi " ov Sa^TiHuxi. 



A COlJfiCrEKCE MONM-MANIAC. 

AotEAT(!eal oF cash must puss (broughfhe hand* of fhcCnASCHLixm op iwt. EicnzqiiKE; 
jret nobody, one would think, would coutribule more to tbe ainoimt thiin he could lielp. Not 
W. AmonfT tbe acknowledgments of Ibose ^jsaccauntafale r^ mitfanccs of conscicncC'inoney 
to GoTenimcnt which are alu oit daily published in the Time,\ it was notiHed tbe Otbrr 
day, tbat— 

"The CiiirtrtLLCiti nr -mi Eicfteoum tu« r«*ivcd fma T. C. D. XU Bmt lulTwof Ewik ?«►*«■ far £aO, 
nAlttvd as » nim eduLdenitl to be owJnff to Gorcniia'GtiC 

C&MtiJend lo be owiog to Government [ Tben T. C D.— ioitialg tbit we feel tempted 
Jo lUppOM to B+tttpd for "Tender Conftcienced Dockey"— is not ivrtoj* tbat bo owes 
Govemmfnt the £00. Come— aurelj-^ in a dubioua Question like tbij, a man may be allowed 
to fcire buiteir tbe benefit of tbe doubr. 



A Curling imtch on the Ic*. 

A cquiapoNTJKJiT, whoie slupia Ke*d oujjbt to be brought at once to tho barber's block, 
lu wn-len lo into knowwhat m ihe mesniug of! be recent Curiibg Mafcli oatheitse.bttween 
the EiJU. OP MAtfftFiELD and the E^rloi-Egltntqi*, Our correepondcttt, to whom, we sbouM 
^ ^*'li*°v' 1** corrcipond in any particular, is imbecde enough to ask us bow it happens that 
Ihc nohio Mrl9, who must bavc fo Jifcauy o'her irons iu the Gre, can procure time to pop a pair 
of curliDgirona mlo the fire also ? We will not comleacend to explain lo our feeble-minded 
correspondent tLat- curl mg' is a fine old aport, v<?ry different frem Ihe effeniinato praotice 
of twialing the hair into rmgleU ; and we cftn only add, that if be couU now behold us. he would 
witneia a swctmen of another kind of curlio^f. for he would see our lip in the very stiffest curl 
of contempt at hn— anything hut—'* bleased'* ignorance. 



Thb Doijfti 01 NkboljlS.— mitst the EjtPEEon or RuaaiA'i dodge is To B«m b 
one i«c^ it 11 evidently to be For B^ntUG in another. 



TEE BABE HETORMEBS OF DOWTIQIG 
STREET. 

Tt has been stated^ en in^onty^ that Uuus- 
tera mean to bring fomrd this scaiion a sdumB 
of tbeir own for toe re adjii&tmeDl of the parlia- 
mentary represeGtatioQ; as, by the tiiue Ihmo 
woidi come fairly before th« nnivene, will 
probiblf hare been signified hi the ipeeeb from 
the Throne. We hope Lobd Jomt Rcss£ll 
and his coUeagnea will do ootbiaf msb in the 
attempt to improre our slorious ConsiltutioD. 
But we fear thai iheir rocainre of reform wili be 
too sweeping. For in«taDce» we are aFraid tbat 
they wUl tt tbe pecunUrr qnidiiication to Tote^ 
at too low a ^gme^ and depart too widely from 
the good old principle of making moLcy the 
criterion of sbiliiy to eiercbe the francliL^e. 

Wc are apprcbeasiTC that they will give an 
insuffident preferciice to breecbea-oocketa oTer 
hnim b determinbg the stanclara of eledire 
lights. ^ Nay, we are not without 6itMd that 
ihey will be so prectpitalc and reckless ai io 
allow every respectable man a vote provided he 
is a taipajer, and can write his name, and re^d 
a coluitn of Fuiu^, We think it loo probabip, 
alsov that they will be [for apprOAfhing more 
Dearly than they ough^ to an equalisation of 
clectoia] district?, and grimting consULuencifs 
of enul popuUlioDs, representatives in usduly 
small disproportion. We are furTher alsitnea 
lest thpy should concfde ihe bs-Uot, or derlM 
some other inconTcniently s'ringent securitf 
against bribery, oorruptioD, and intimidation. 
In short we tremble with the expectation that 
they will go too fast and too far, and confer 
more polirical power on Hee MaJI^ti's subjecta 
at large than the bulk of ihe people wish to bo 
entrusted wiLb. 



IF lOIJ'RE AN EDITOR, BEHAYE A3 
SUCH. 

As Locia NAPOLCotr has turned Editor of a 
weekly newopapcr, we hope he will be a little 
more charitable towards his comrades of the 
pre89j otherwise tbe public prosecution of a 
joamal will look ver? much like an act of prira's 
opposttion. sind a heavy fine imposed on an 
Kaitor will appear as if it were an attempt To 
crush a rival journalist. For bstance, this spirit 
of compeliiion Tnigbt be carried to such an 
extent^ that every 1 reach paper in Paris might be 
suppressed, every Editor imprisoned* m or^er to 
force an enormous aide for Ls KapaUoi^. 

The Republic of Francs is quite noisy enongb 
without Louis Kapoleopt wishbg to be Preii- 
dent, E-lso, of the Uepublic of LeUcrs, He wi'I 
soon find that P&massus is a much more di^cuH 
Montage to get over, cveOj thau the one in the 
Assembly. At all events, if ha is detenBin&d 
to play at editing, let biia plsy it in a generou*, 
brotherly spirit, and not turn it into a game 
of " Pfi*oner'B-Base," for every Editor who 
hsnpccis to be on the opposite side to him. 

Wc stroiigly suspect that this new mania of 
eJitit:g a newspaper, &nd, callbjg it Napothn^ is 
only indulged in hy the President in order to 
prove to the oation tbat he Is literally the ijfp* of 
Lis Uncle ! 

The Unbluahing Trencli. 

HoRAOS ViKNiT ii really at Rome, cammis- 
sioDed to pvut tubjeets— to be enshrined at 
Ver^flUles— commemoraive of the late feats of 
Ihe Fr<nch army in the Etemil City. Tbeimnu- 
dence of this is astounding. It is as tboagn a 
housebreaker^ proud of his oi&cnpatioQ, sbontd 
order biniBclf to be painted— the picture to be* 
come an heirloora — with all hia implements of 
trade about him. The crowbar, the falM keys, 
the mask, cnpe and Ihe dark lanthornl 



PUNCH, OR TIffi LONDON CHARIVARL 



51 



NOOKS AND CORNERS OF CHARACTER.-THE CHARWOMAN, 

F there u one pereoo mora Uuui another whoM 
life is regolarly puted in Nooks and Conaers, it 
ii the CDanromaa'a ! Her bud, it may be said, 
rues in a cobweb, and sets in a cupboard. 

She knows more of a house than the miatresi 
herself. Its most inmost recesses are kid bare 
to her. Not a floor but what has disclosed its 
lecrets— Dot a boudoir, not a consult iog-room, not 
a family sanctuary, however private, but has made 
a clean breast to her, and felt sll the better 
afterwards for the confession. This confidence, 
however, is never very well repaid, for it is seldom 
that the Charwoman gets more than I«. 6f/. a day, 
with her beer, tea. and Bugar ; or at the best 
2*. a day, and " to find herself." ■ 

This Ignominious expression, *' to find herself," 
is, however, rather applicable to the CbarwomaOt 
for it is always a dimculty, when she is wanted, 
to know where to find her. Wa&herwomea, 
monthly-nurses, and hulies who do a little man- 
gling, all have cards, bat we never aav a piece of 
pasteboard yet that had the face to own to the 
profession of *' a Charwoman." No brass plate, 
or painted board either, displaying that* honour- 
able title, flanked by a pleasing request to "ring 
the top bell." flashes upon our recollection. 

Be it moaesty, or a horror of the income-tax, 
or a healthy mixture of the two, we c&onot tell, 
but there is decidedly a great difficulty in find- 
ing out the abode of the Charwoman. Like Echo, 
she is to be " beard of" in the circle of a Urge 
neighbourhood, but no one can tell the precise 
sjKit where she dwells. The only chance is by 
enquirv of the milkwoman, or the butcher, or the baker, who enquires of his man. who says he'll ask hia "good 'ooman," who he thinks knows a neigh- 
bour that can let Mus. Grimks know that "she is wanted."— and it is only by this bunt-the-slipper fashion that Mbs. GaiKES eventually turns up. 

But wbenMBs. Ghimks has once promised to come^ she is sure to come. We never knew a Charwoman yet break her appointment, f 
Nothing but her own death, we thick, would ujake her do it. She rings the bell before the "milk." even before the "swccns." 

Her social position is not to be envied much, ^he is the lowest grade of domestic — even lower than the maid of all work, to whom ahe 
officiates as a sort of maid of all work herself. Mistresses have but little love for her. fur she is never called in but at the last extremity, and the 
house is never comfortable tiil she is out of it. Her reverses in the course of the day are endless, but she must bear every litile turn of 
fortune wi h cool eo'ianimity, even if it be the fate of her pail to be violently kicked down st^iira by coming in contact with master's indignant boot. 
How " master ^' does hate her, to be sure ! With the mistress it is simply an antipathy, only a genreel aversion ; but if she were a bailiff, or 
a mad bull, or a 6re in the house, there could not be a stronger desire on the part of master " to have her instantly put out. He knows there 
is no comfort, no luncheon, no dinner, no answering (he bell, as long as the Charwoman is pattering, steaming, scrubbing, slopping about, from 
one room into another. He hates the clatter of her pattens — for Charwomen are still shod with these detestable iron shoes — and woo to them 
if he finds them lying about the hall ! Tbe chances are that they part, never to meet again. 

She slaves, and yet never gives satisfaction. She is expected to do the work of six days in one. Let her come with daybreak, and 
leave close upon the stroke of midnight, she can never do all the work that is required of her. She pleases no one. £ven the servants take a 
pleasure in finding fhult with her. bbe is disowned by the very person who has engaged her. No lady talks of " her Charwoman," any mora 
tlian a gentleman breathes a word about "bis pawnbroker." The nearest admisf ion that is ever made to the fact of her existence is that "Mas. 
GkImks has come to assist." And yet her characteristics are so patent that none butaCountesv.wbobad been confined all her lifeinadrawing-room« 
could possibly be deceived as to her appearance. The dirty mob-cap,— the battered bonnet, generally black, that perches on the top of it,— the 
soiled ribbons that, sun or rain, are never tied, — the tucked-up gown, and bare arms, that are of an unpleasant redness all the way up to the 




I 



iloeve.— are so many witnesses making oath to her identity. 
The Charwoman^ it mast be oonussed, is of 



, a most forgiving disposition. Loaded, as she is, with the insults of the entire house, sh&.is 

too willing to help any one. She fetches the beer, — la}s tbe cloth — washes the p!a'«— toas*9 the mufEns, &c , and waits at table until the 
servants have their dluDer or te«, before she touches ascrap herself. She addresses Jeamks, and the clerical -looking Butler, as " Sir ; " and 
Cook, and my Ladv's-maid, are always spoken to as '* Ma'am." And jet, strange to say, the Charwoman is, in ten cases out of a dozen, a decayed 
servant herself. She bus genersUy saved a little money — married a speculative Jouhnt— soon lost all in the "green line," and become "iba 
drab of a thing" that she m her proud prosperity snarled at and snubbed. {Moral {andt) : "Be kind to jour inferiors.") 

There are many more strange Nooks and Corners to be found in tbe character of the Charwoman, but we have not time to explore them just 
sow, much less ppace to record the result of our discoveries. We must throw dowu, therefore, without comment, the following fugitive 
facta, which we cannot help catching as I hey hiiiK in our ears, and fly in our faces, wiih all the impudence of London blue-bottles. 

The Charwoman averages from 40 to 60. She has a remarkably good appetite, and can cat anyihicg. She wears large pockets, which 
keep gradually swelling towards night-time, and has a penchant for snuff, which she carries in a screw of brown paper. Report declares 
that sue smokes, but as this habit is never allowed to interfere with her avocations, we have no right to enquire into the rumour. 

She has a large family, but Ihry are rigidly forbidden tbe house she is " charing " at. The same law is enforced against her husband, but 
quite unuecessariTv, as he has too much sense to ^how himself. It is supposed he has some post in a public Filiar, or Monument, or Light- 
house, or in the i'olice, for he is never seen from one year's end to another. 

Ibere are many speculations as to the honesty of the Charwoman, but slie is poor, and therefore we must not wonder at her being sus* 
peoted. The "Ladies" down stairs, however, always lock up their lea-caddics, Jeam£3 counts his spoonp, Cook hides her kilchen-sluff, 
axul MissTU makes a general clearance, whenever Mas. Gfimcb comes to stop for a day. Whatever is missing, the Charwoman is sure to be 
the thief. Ev.^rythiug that is broken is without fail: he handiwork of her fingers. The Charwoman is invariably the Cat for the week after her viMt. 

And for all her irisJs, labours, snubbings, and accusalionr, ibe has nut one compensation, and that is a diah of tea. The Saucer is the 
Lethe in which she drowns all the cares of tbe day. Buttered loaat. and tea! GivA her plenty of butter, plenty of thick toast, and ponds 
of strong tea, and she is happier than any bride at a wedding feast. As she lifts the brimming saucer, time after time, to her thirsty lips, she 
pours out the experiences of her proftssion. A fresh family is cut up with each new slice of toast— the scandal of the whole reighbourho>od is 
•tirred up, thouah not much sweetened, and handed round, for the tastes of her kitchen audience. For if there is an Imiuisitor in aa 
Englishwoman's home it ia the Charwsman, for she has tbe enlre'i of every house, and, as you sit in the parlour, there she is accumutating 
evidence against you under jour very feet. Ladies, both in the parlour and the pantry, should beware of this secret tribunal, which runs itam. 
parish to narisli. and speaks of them, according as they behave to that universal outcast, that out-doot druA^'t^ ^SaiS- '" ^siktS^ v«».^v^a»te 
machine," that nardcst- worked servant of servants, the Charwoman. 



VOL. XViil. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




BowTEB SmncH, and Ma. Baoox, cursed free-trade and Peel; the 
tast awfarinff in chonu with 'en), and Ms. Fbanklih, a parson, aa 
good aa saym* Amni ! This vas roarinrwon hj of the Mountain. {Hear.) 
Let them flare up, then, and jine the Protectionists. Protection now. 
and the Demoeratie ud Social EepnbLic for ever ! He would call 
spoa tbfl» to reM^ve— 

" That A0 belt ooone u ous be adopML hf the CommmUtta and SocUIiits fbr tha 
m or their ulterior ol^Jecti, ii that of fratemlaiiis ftir the preitat with the 



The reaolution having been seconded by Mb. Bbtetov BnuM; and 
carried by fTlaimatvin, 

I'hree cheera ««• giva far IiQUi Stavxxt and M. JjomB Buvc ; 
for M. PBoxjDaav and tlM Diru or Kichicokd: for Kjl PuKasLi 
and Ledrt; Boudt; for Sek J. Tthsll and K RMKaflk; and for 
Sebjeant fioicaoK uid Colohel Sothobp. 

Alter which, tkanka having been Toted to the ChainsMB, Ifca Meeting 
separated, and we came a««r-^vitho«t our handkercfaial 



«A 7ICTIM TO LET/' 

0«m wmgUmIki, geed-ealaicd frind, vx& a km9 aigoaiare, 
wfaotathe ffmmU atmaed peer JhtneK aiKphr. we take it»bMBuae it 
vaa aeft ia the dull Bua*a braia. to understana tniih when ed|ad with 
■arifi BTMt thvafoie iaaoatiattHy cai hia tsgera wkk it--our 
frind has gone bayoad hia liberal promia^ and ae&t hia eecoad S5 to 
HovuTX; the diamiased postmaa. tmm. ftaough no haterfeaniff aun of 
£K haa been aabacribed. Howutt, however, ia the riehar naa by 
iSO, for hia banefartoii'a aoiibterpretatioa of FwmeJk, who atog dalaeaa 
iafee liberality P t mek complains not. He ia wilting to be miannder- 
itoo< when the error bears sucli golden fruit to the deatitute. Never- 
theleu, Jhm$k marvels at the meaning of Howlbtt's beaeCictor, when 
heaaya — 

" The phil060pber Punch shows how relentless are Mb orders ^om head^^varUr$, hy 
bUU tnamtaiuing, a; 
missed.'" 



against the plainest eridenoo, that Uowunr vas 'rightly dio- 



THE REAL STAFF OF LIFE. 



mPOETANT MEETING OF THE COMMUNISTS. 

yuTBBSAT a nnmerously attended meeting of gentlemen holding 
the doctrines of Socialism and Communism took place at the Fox-wmdw- 
Ut-Botc. Among the oompan]r we observed 9onie of the moat notorious 
rogues in the metropolis. Owing to the admirable arrangements of the 
police^ there occurred no interruption of the proceedings. 

The chair was taken by a Mn. Moodt, a personage with a hideons i 
cnrcasion of couutenuice, and a great, beard. I 

The Chairman briefly stated that the ohjeot of the meeting was to 
oQoaider wbat otiurso to take with rpgard to the Protectionist agita'ion 
excited among the agriculturists by the aristocracy. He believed t here 
was a good time coming, and they 'd ave to wait but a very little 
longer. 

Mb. MoBBiVfl hated the aristocracy with all his heart and soui 
{Hear.) But he would hold a candle to a duke — or to a wuss than 
a duke—to light him to play his (Mb. Mf'BBiNs's) game. The cry of 
Protection to Agriculture was askin' of Parliament to raise rents by 
checkin' competition. There was no difference between that and askin' 
Parliament to raise wages by the same means. {Hear.) Except this.! 
The rent was to be screwed out of the poor man's loaf, for ttie idle; i 
whereas the wafces was to be took out of the rich man's income for the 
industrious. What was Socialism but Protection for everybody ! The 
baae aristocracy was puilin' in the same boat with theirselvea. He 
would say, " Pull away, my harpies ! " {Laughter.) He was for puUin' 
along witn them so long as they was a steeriu' the same course. {Hear) 
When done with, he 'd fling 'em overboard. {Tremendotu Cheering.) He 
wonhlmove — | 

That Protection to Agrictilturo beIngal(»(H!>latlvo interferrace vtth Competltlnn, lt« 
'-'- la, in the oj^ion of this here meeting, tildenUcal with that of C<nanuniam and 



The resolution was seconded by Mb. Wxldgoosi, and carried 

«0M. COM. 

Mb. Fibedbakb would elapse the Protectionist aristocrats in is open 
harms. [Oi, ok !). The Proteoiioniita were tumingjiot onl? Communists 
and Sodaliats, but rrgular jolly Red Kepubiicans. What diii Mb. Chekt- 
HAK say the other day at the West Norfolk Meeting P " It he were in i 
Pbbl's position he should be afraid ot the poniard and dagger, and so 
he bad a right to." {Prokmged ckeeriitg,) He (Mb. Fibbdbakb) was glad 
to hea r respectable farnters begin to talk about poniards and daggers. 
CuTTT, his self, never beat that. Then, at the same meeting, Mb. \ 



Again:— 

" KeitlKF vUl the poblle aeeevt (at least aa a reason wbj t1ie7 abonld anietly labmlt 
to Ou demolition of their Sabbath) of Punek's t«stlnionlal— {/« the Sabbath so broken to 
bits t»y Lord Johh f]— howerer tme it may be— that ' Loao JoHir Bdmkl is a man of 
eanwat and nnallMted nligion.' Far be U from hu to say that neh itmtth« aua ; bat 
It la impoasible not to aee vlut theae words mean in Ptittck's use of them." 

Firstljr, JpMuai confesses thai it is always his desire, moreover, 
always his practiee, to write from "head-quarters :" namelyi from all 
the quarters of hia own head. 

Secondly. If, as our dull friend confesses at the last, '* it i^ impoesible 
not to see ** what Pwiek means— if this be really true in the particukr 
case of our obtuse reviler, — we conaratulaie him on his amended 
inteliigence. It is quite wor+h the £50 he has given to Howubtt, 
who, we trust, will make the beat and meat profliable uses of the 
benefaction. 



"SPEAKING DAGGERS." 

Onb Mb. Chbethau, a Protectionist (not a bad name for a aaull 

com party) at the Oakhiim Meetmg, said : 

" He conid not holp thinking that phantoms of mined fhrmera would haunt tha 
sleeping pillnw of Sir R. Pkkl. Knowing how much be wm execrated, he abonld think 
lie inaHt more about in fear and drrad. Even if Sib R. Pekl should have a majority 
again, he dared not take ofiice. He (Mb. Cueethah) knew that if he was in SiB R. 
Pebl,'s position, be should be afraid of the poniard and the dagger, attd so he had a 
riyht." 

Since the awful, but no less popular appearance, of " Giles Seroggins* 
Ghost " — sung at all the playhouses— we can conceive nothing, in even 
an agricultural sense, more harrowing than the "phantoms of ruined 
farmers," all with shadowy pitchforks, and moonshine flails, threatening 
the "sleeping pillow" (why are not pillows wide-awakr?) of Sra 
Rr)BEBT Pkil. Bone into a couiic song, Giles Scboggiks would be 
laid for ever. 

But one word with Mk. Chebtham. A person who talks of poniarda 
and daggers, expressing his ready beli f that a man " has a right to 
fear them, may— by the unreflecting— be thought to be the very sort of 
person who would not hesitate to use them. Let Mb. CubethaM, in 
the matter of speculative assassination, hold his tongue, if he would hold 
hia character. 

A GB0S8 ncposinoF. 

Mb. Dis&abij, in his Speech on the Address, dedared that "What 
the land now wants ia simple justice." We are no agriculturista. but 
we should say that the land was in want of something besides justice 
iust now— we mean better eul ivatioa. If this were carried out to a 
large extend the land would not have zeaflon to complain* even though 
it Bbouhi be a good deal put upon* 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAIU. 



53 




MR. FERRAND MISINTERPRETED. 

At & late Protrclion, and very Free Speech Meeting, Mb. 
Fekhanu deTetaped }eamiiif:B that muRt liave touched tb« 
tympatliiea of Mil. Calciuft of the Old Bailey, provided that 
functionarr ever amune^ liia griti leisure with anything so 
■olemu as Mjl FcBft^KD's orations, Mbl Ferramd, aMiiming 
Uia^ some day— the date not named— oorn and corton would 
Dorao to a fight, and that Ck>BDEi»— (cotton beinK down)— 
would become prisoner to com, declared it to be his intention 
— rcady-nmde and honip-madc— to hang Cobden to the nest 
tree, compelling JouN Bright— on pain of hanging too, '' like 
twin cherries on one stalk"— to do dutv as executioner. 
A few days after, a Ma. Wortlky, at Unilsliam, an orator of 
the like fire with Ferrand^a companion lucifer from the 
bundle — prayed for Cobdsx that he — 

*< Urlnff, mmf forfolt Mr 



And, duably ■Ij'InKt ™*7 tP* 4o«a 

Ta tbd vll* Mrtti from vrbancw Im nmRg, 

Unwept, nnhoaouTMi, uid niuuac. 

Mil. FkukjlND, reading the abore, imniediat-ely di»patclied 
A li"le note — fuU of amenity— to th« epttker; a note ruanixtg 
u follow! : — 

"My dear Sir.— T hare read your speech at Hailsbam with 
great delijeht. Permit me, however, to snggeat when you 
repeal ir — and Protection, I fear, has but one atring to i'a 
fiddle — tha*. you improve the last line of ^he quotation to adapt 
U the belter to the spirit of our cause. Let it run thus : — 

"Believe me, my dear Sir, with senlimeatA of admiration 
arising from kindred feelings, 

" lours, faithfullv ever, 
" Mr. Vortlr^r ** B. tlR»a»D." 



THE BALLAD OF ELIZA DAVIS. 

ALLIANT gents and lovely ladies. 
List a tail vich late befel, 
Yich I heard it, brin on duty, 
At th« Fleaee Hoffice, Clerkenwell. 

praps you know the Fondling Chapel, 
Vere the little children sings ; 

(Lor ! 1 likes to hear on Sunoiea 
Them there pooty little thingt !) 

In this street there lived a housemaid, 
If you particklarly ask me where— 

Vy, i* vas at four-and-tventy. 

Guilford Street byBronsvickSqaatv. 

Vich ber name was Eliza Davis, 
And she went to fetch the beer : 

In the street she met a party 
Aa was quite surprized to see her. 

Yich be vaa a British Sailor. 

For to judge hint by his look : 
Tarry jacket, oanvosa trowsiM. 

Ua-h Mb. T. P. Cooke. 

PtesenUy this Mann accostes 
Of this hinnnccnt yoiuig gal — 

Pra^, f ay&ee, Excuse my freedom, 
lou *re so like my Sister Sajl ! 

Yon 're so like my Sister Sally, 
Both in valk and face and si/.e; 

Miss, t iiat— dang my old lee scuppcn, 
It brings tears into my heyes t 

I *m a mate on board a wesse]« 
I 'm a sailor bold and trae ; 

Shiver up my poor old timbers, 
Let me be a mate for you ! 

What 's your name, my beauti^t^ll mc ? 

And she faintly liansrrs, " Lore, 
Sir, my name's tuxA Divis, 

Anci I Uve at tveuiy-four." 

Hoft times came this Britioh sesiuan. 
This deluded izal to meet : 

And at tventyfour was welcome, 
Tventy-four ia Guilford Street. 

And EUZA told her Master, 
(Kinder they than Missuses are). 

How in marridge he had a«t her. 
Like a galliant Briuish Tar. 

And he brougiit. his landlady vith him, 
(Vich vas all hi* hariful pl»n). 

And she told how Cbarusy rHOursoN 
R-ely vas a good young man. 

And how she beneif had lived in 
Many years of union sweet, 

Vith a fcent she met promiakous, 
Valkw in the public street. 

And £li7.a listened to them. 
And sUcthoiigh'rhatsooDtheir bands 

Vould be published at the Foudlin, 
Hand the clergyman jine their ands. 



And he ast about the lodgers, 
(Vich her master let tome rooms), 

Likevise vere they keptheir things, and 
Vere her master kep his spoons. 

Hand this vicked Chaklet THOVTfoy 
Came on Sundjf vfk 10 see her. 

And he sent Eliza Davis 
Hout to fetch a pint of beer. 

Haod while pore Eliza vent to 
Fetch the Deer, dewoid of sin. 

This rtrocious Chaiu.bt TiioHraoir 
Let his wile accomplish hin. 

To the lodgers, their apartments. 
This abandingd feoruklr goes, 

Prigs their sliirts and amberellas: 
Prigs their boots,and hat6,aad clothes. 

VilethescoundrleCiiARLEYTaoicpaoifi 
Lest his wicfim should escape, 

Hocust her vith rum and vater, 
Like a fiend in huniing thape. : 

But a bi was fix^ upon Vm 
Vich these nskles little sore : 

Namely, Mb. Hide the landlord, 
Of the bouse at tveaty-four. 

He vas valkin in his garden. 

Just afore he vent to sup; 
And on looking up he aor tba 

Lodger's viudera l)ght«d hup. 

Hup the sfurs the landlord tumbled ; 

Soniettiing's gomK wrong, he said; 
And he CAugbt the vickrd vonian 

Underueatu the lodger^ s bed. 

And he called a brother Pleaseman, 
A'ich vas passing on lii^ beat; 

Like a true and gallif-ini feller. 
Hup and down ia Guilford Str«et. 

And that Pleaseman able-bodied 
Took tills voman 10 the o-ll ; 

To the cell vere she was quodded, 
In the Close of Cletkenwell. 

AndihonghTickedCnAiiMTTHOMfSOir 
Boulten like a mi«cr&at base, 

Presentlv another Pln-aseman 
Took him to the self-same place. 

And thii precious pair of rasklea 
Tuesday last came up for doom ; 

By the b^ok they was cnmndtted, 
Vich his name vraa Mil. CoxfiE. 

Han for poor Eliza Davis, 
Simple gurl of Ivenly-four, 

Sh^t 1 ope, vill never listen 
In the sUeeti to sailora xooar. 

But if she must avr a sweet-art, 
(A^ch most every gnrl expei.) 

Let her take a jolly plrasomaai 
Vich ia name peraps is X. 



Olut of OAciaU In Tranee. 

Such i^ the compeiilioa for employment in the financial department 
of France, ibat the autborities declare their iuahility to read the appli- 
cations, mucb less to answer the applicants. French finanoe has got 
into such a atat« tba^ it would seem to have been nobodi's busintts, 
and as nobid^'s business is evcr> body's business, everybody is now 
offering to look after it. We ah uld lay that, as far a^ capacity goes, 
the whole of the public would he about upon an equality, for every one 
asems cquallr mcavahle of fmdinir a remedy for the financial difhcuUiet 
of the republic. In a case thMt really looks like one m wtiicb no'hiny 
can bv d<AP, those wito are competent to the doing of cotlitiig nalura'ly 
feel themselves as well adapted as the rest of the cooimunity for giving 
their serrioes. 



The Bank Ooflbn! 

We have heard so mucb, and we hear so frequent Ir, al>out tjid 

Coffers of ihe Bank, Ihnt our cnrioiily is rising to a tremendous pi'oh 

about these mysterious JirticJes. How muoh will a Coffer hold ? How 

many Coffers liave they got- at the Bank, and if all tbe Coffers Rhonid 

happen tx) be *'cliuek" full, where do they chuck the surplus bullion? 

I Our early and infantine idea of a Coffer was, that it is an affair soma* 

I thing like a coal scuttle, and that there is always one &taQ>iing full of 

bullion undrr the aide-iioard in that most wonderful apartmenl, ttie 

I Krtnk parlour. We shall bo bappr to accept an invitation from tba 

' Governor of the Bank, to go over tnat esiablnhmcnt, any day when be 

1 happens to have nothing to do, and when iheOiStw^^v^aix-s'si^iajfa!***- 

I and Band-yeyQatcd sv.^ Vi\ M^i* «a«c«Bsm,'art:i'*Wi''S*fc*^^^^'=*^^^ 



SIGNS OF THE TIMES. 



I 



TW OhgM Jrmni Stmt** 




Fiec t M fft to ih« Emperor 

I6UTT CuJt, 

*' Fsox niT 

public «iul ei- 
flvated posi- 
ticHi I we and 
bear & tbin;; 
or two IhaL 'a 
godafr OB, — 
and I do as- 
8tm voUi tre- 
uenaooB Au- 
tocrat, ttiat, 
witatfTer tb&t 
CoBDEJf may 
Bay to the 
contrary, you 
are very bigh- 
ty spoken of 
by many pfo- 
plp — specially 
folks of »ub- 
Blancf, V ith 
money tbey 
don't know well how to lay out at decent interest — and your loan 
praised and taken acoonlinffly. 

*"rwo or throe merchants (wilh oranges and hnndred-hhuled pen- 
lutves) who trade under me at the short stagra and 'busses, are per- 
tioiilarty disrated with that Cotton (Josden, whose ucadonied elo- 
qnenoe thought to re-button thousands of pockets that were open and 
gaping, and ready to pour forth their blood in the cause of fire par 
oent,, and for the glory of your Cearship. The ohanoes were— thought 
CoHDEN— that a luaipin;? lot of the loan would be left on the bands 
ot the contractors; for be hoped to demolish tbo reputation of my 
Nicholas, He dared to insinuate tb&t even an Emperor mizht be 
insolvent or unprincipled ; that even the niagniBccnt two-headed eagle 
— witbf of course, two aiomacba to match— mi^ht be little better than 
a fclomoua magpie. He iosiauated the probability — I shudder as much 
aa bear can shudder^ and growl again with indignation at the thought— 
the probability that the glorious Cur might be very liable to pick a guarrel 
with Kn^land for the purpoae of swindling the Kngliab bonuliolder, when 
he promiaed that Woolwich arsenal should aifora no aisiitance m the 
recovery of the debt — no cannon-balls be served as writs, and no 
execution be levied in the shape of squa&lrons. All this is disgusting 
— mischievous. But these calumnies bave not vrorked upon the virtuous, 
but timid people, hungry for five per cent., who need not now continue 
to satisfy themselves wirh three, or at l>est, lbrce-and-«-baJf. 

" Vain is the craft of the denmgogne ! Good, excellent men, gY>od in 
themselves, and doubtless excellent as tmsteea, anxious to obtain the 
best interest for t heir clients, the widowed and the orphaned, have gone 
into Uussiau bonds: tbey have trusted their gold to paper ships, and 
— and their confidence is very becoming, graceful to themaalvea, and 
no doubt profitable to tiie Emperor. 

" Nevertbeltss — my Nicholas — that arch-agitator Cobden has 
dared to hint the probability of the death of a Caar of all the Rnasias 1 
As if nn Emperor was ever knovn to die, — especiiiUy in Bnaaia! 
Nevertheless, the atrocious idea has entered Cobdbk's dark mind, and 
revelling in tbe thought, he has painted to a timid, money-loving 
people, the possibility of The Emperor's successor repuaiatmg the loan 
contracted 6y his then sainted parent ! 

**1 quite agree withthelfflmvi'tw^— <nie of the newsmen jost under 
me read the passage that— 

•• ' Tti^re la not luJ f the duft'irneo which saMrfldal obterwr* mlfclit ImB^iw betire«n 
Um g&og* or Hazzisi, who jtXXtA tlivlr ritwM Jcit %\ the viodow «bcre Maoaxk Row 



obinTed]dK.C08ET to MslCuumbs, both waitinir for a Kensin^^ton 'bus 
— 'in • pnreAy comnMroial coauiry. the brcecbrs' packet has r.o morals. 
This is a sentence to be written in letters of diamonJ over the architrave 
of every Exchange, and to be bow»d U>— «a tha Peratan bow* to bbe 
rising sun — by every broker and ■■rthwit, ai Um* OBoa iatlM OMniif;* 

"*What matters it to the leader, wko nU hta intcnftl,* svjoilid 
Cbuwbs to C08EY, * how money is employed ? Consider tea hundred 
thousand pounds, as an army of a hundred thouBund men — accoutred 
and armed to munlcr, bum^ and pillj^c. What of it P The Knglish 
moralist sleeps comfortably m his oed, and what matters to liim hov his 
hundred pounds earn their yearly interest of fiveP Pfcuma mon oUL 
The money may certainly be steeped in the blood of PoUnd, and may 
pass through the fires of Hungary,— ff^M, I demand, what of it ? The 
five per cr nt. is paid, and — no riurstions ought to be asked, %i lcast» Sir — 
but here 'a our 'bus — at least in a commercial country.* 

" [—the Beai^-acree in the opinions of Mr. Bakabka.1, that the loan 
is perfectly ■ofaLKcause commercially profitable. * As for abusing 
the Brotiubs Baanao. why, Sir. it's all very wrll/ snid Hunks to 
Closb, waitiBC far a lUaimmniilh— * all very well, but all canl. In a 
commeroial oo«*tiT, people would prefer 5 per cent, through tho hands 
of the BrolKea CalV tu 4ft from the Brothers Abkl.' 

"GUil ■Ml BOlkkx Cz«r— to see your loans at high preauun. 
andaa 

"Yoors, tympatbeticallyt 

"Tax Orioutai. Bbowk Biaft." 



THE NEW CABINET. 
[FoaaA at Uw Ster nA ^wttm, Btahnond.] 



n<rt itfnT <a» iv«Hwv 



Am. in AWAmm 
rtmnrrlier ^Ma^agwrr 
Sterttmeyal fVV 



or OaAioT. 
Ma. ri.rMPTmE {atamxm ffitfea rcerafe«> 

LOKD HtAITUTT. 

Mft. HawD*aATB. 

Ma. D1BIU.KU. 

Hb. Cboouakt. 
t Itft. 8POOVCS. (wllb pennli^Htodo wbat 
( be llkM wltii Sunday!). 

Couwn. Bimiou. 

I^osD Giokos Lnntoi. 

LoKo ALSXAXDia LxnoT. 



[Here the paper is torn, and other names are illegible. A qnotation 
from the Duke oy Richmond's Speech on the Opeainsr of the Session 
may, however, be made out. It runs — ** I am prtpartd. if this amend- 
ment is carried, to get rid of the present Govenuueat."J 



MR. COBDKN'S QUERISTS. 



vu wmlehlac Um body <r hw naiduW InuaMd. and Um d^-murt RvnOvneti wlw coo- 
snialtd|abMrGOftQ«ii*fllilDii ktoattb*DiioirteiiiiT nftheCurUlUa. Tbe lullaii 
vUUliu cartetaly wmated on* umAU rloe of th«lr £ii|U«h iiioBam saiMly, hypoeriay.' 

** 'The unoertainty of the Car's life ! ' Why, let *em canvass London 
Assorance Offices^ and see if a Cxar's life isnH a life held as immortal 
as the life of Pbcenix at the office of that name. Ask whether, the life 
offered,— the Amicable would not embrace it— the Anchor drop upon 
it— the Argna look with all its eyes delighted at it— the Atlas, with new 
joy at his heart, sustun it— the Briraunia, like a sister, hug it — the 
Pelican, with its beat blood, foster it? The Emperor's hfe, say I— the 
Emperors justice! Why, in Russia, when was ever hfe sacnticed — 
when, in any sense, hempen or otherwise, was Peteb ever robbed to 
pay Paux P 

" And tben. ray Czas» ' what a pother/ as Mo. Bajubbas. the orange- 
man* observed, ' about the morality of the Loan.' Mf hat, a joke 1 Where, 
I siiouid like to know, is the morality in money ? Whereaboats, in his 
anatomy, the heart of PlutusP 'In a purely commercial country,' 



To Ma. CosDtii. 

DxA& Sib, 

Tn£ following questions— of a nature rery similar to those to 
which you alluded the other day at Manchester- are a tew out of BMoy 
that I have been desired to ask you b> certain country correapofi dents, 
who don't Boem to approve of vou very much. 

In advocatine Free Trade, Peace, and Financial Reform, are you 
really actuated t^ a feeling of hostility to the nobilitv and gentry, oc- 
casioned by an anront received by you ia early life from somebody of 
the superior classes ? If so, how were your feelings hurt P 

When you were sent by your employers to wait upon a Dnke with 
some paliems, did bis Grace tell a menial to take you down stairs, and 
i give you some beer P 

Is it true that a young lady of rank boxed your ears for making her 
an offer over the counter P 

Did a noble Marquess offend you by offering yon sixpence in r«tum 
for helping faira on wiih his great coat P 

Is your antipathy to the military profession, in particular, owing to 
a Colonel of Dragoons havinjc once requested you to hold his horse ? 

Perhaps you will be so kind as to answer these enquiries at tout 
perfect convenience. Perhaps you may be of opinion that their nest 
answer would be one such as I aaw some time since among (he Notices 
to Correspondents in a sporting paper—" X. T. Z. is an Aas." 

Your sincere well-wisher. 

Vert STBA5GB, BUT YimT Tbvb. — The deotrio telegraph is now 
one of tbe really sovereign powers by which the world is governed, and 
though civilisation, with a thousand other hl<»stn?s, ma; he raid to be 
advanced by the potent engine, it must be admitted that wherever 
the electric telegraph holds its away, it rules with rods of iron. 



WANTED, A MEMBER FOR SUNDERLANP.— A*%^'«. 
IhB rvnoD ApplTlD« abovld lanw • T«Crt«DMt\N«X Vn 

p^iuable mat I'artiiu appear (»lbaC«Kc«%a«aA'>*' 



S 




68 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAEL 



OBXS VBOX ADYBBTISBMBVTB. 

** A bMHtlM hud to lii4liip«HiM« to alli It t« tht dlitlnfnlihlsff mvk bttwMa nfis*- 
feMl And Tutnri^. With tbtald of Amudliw aTa7 hund In tha kluRdom majbt nndued 
Mft| bMUtlAil^MM whit*, •wtry rude Impniilm of wMthor or bard uug* maorod, doUoacf 
of louoh FMtond. And the Ntl of tlofanoo ImprMwd upon It— lot Ito proMnt oondUton bo orer 
■o nnproBitiliMl.'' 




A PUSH K)K A: PLACE. 

Poor BoQoiNs. the Uiher of WMtmiiuter HaU, is iurassed 01^ 
of his iifo with nesrtless whispers About "six evident want of 
Tigonr in his err of "Silence! Fray, Silence!" and ernel in- 
sinuations that the official Toioe of the Usher should be finally 
hashed, and limited henceforth to the narrow arena of the domestic 
eirdo. Malicious stories are in circulation about an alleged 
ahakiness in the hand, while handing in a oompate, and there are 
sinister allentions Afloat that the gown of legal stuff— and non- 
sense— shomd be laid aside at once for the paletot of privacy. 

We have watched Btjgoins for years—ii&Tuig had little dse to 
do in Court— and we can affirm that hia roar of " Silence " has, if 
anything, gained in depth what it has lost in pitch, and that 
his toitetnUo, or holdinjp the note, on the word "Fray,** when hi» 
demand for silence is m the form of an entreaty, may be ranked 
among one of the fiQesfc efforts of the toee di petto (his pet voioe) 
that we ever heard.^ 



PxotectioniAt Candour* 



The Protectionists commenced the session in the House of Com- 
mons on the opening night with a burst of candour that argues 
fxoellently well for the future avowal of faults and fallacies. 
When Load John Russell very properly asked, with a view 
to the saving of time, whether it was understood the debate on 
the Address was to be concluded on^the next night, a cry from 
the Proteotionists of " No, No ! No understanding on this side 
the house" became loud and generaL The confession of a de- 
ficiency of understanding is the first step— though it may be a yvry 
long way off— towards the supply of the absent commodity. We 
should not have been so uncomplimentary to the Protectionists 
as to 90 the whole length of t heir own cry of " No understanding " 
on their side of the house, but as the assertion was made wj 
generally, and the whole party seemed eager to assent to it, we an 
not dispoised to be contradictory. 



A4II1SS lAVG-WDIBBD. 



_. _ Tha Speech from the Throne was telegraphed over 9000 miles 

> of wire within an hour of its deliveiy. Though the Speedi was 
I t\i«ArrMMi^. •( Now, MiSTKR, I w&Mis MT uiLicACY OK TtncH sKsTiiKKP, | abovo the Aversgo in point of matter, it must be confessed that 
ANik THR SKAL OT HKUMAKOK ixrAOSBo rfox MT RVNCH OP Fitei^** I ncvcr wss A Royu Spcech so thoroughly wire-drawn before. 



SCENES FROM THE LIFE OF AN UNPROTECTED FEMALE. 

THK VMraOTACTAO VtSALA HAVIXO »AB!« Arri>tXTKO» VNPaR HBft UTK AVNT^S WILL, EXaCCTRIX AND SOU 

CVMrU.LKt» TV tiO TO raOVK TBK VIIX AT DOCTOBs' COMMOXS. 



Fims 



ScBKt.-'AiM'f rW, tWHs-n* iXmmxm*. TU VsrAOTri.^rD Fevali 

^ittfmit^i^m, J ^i^V'»ihH*i n^ft/^r, M lis mx^-^^^! *uSt /in^' 

rmf>Mm.iM FmsU ^tki^h trrf UrJ\ \«s, this ks IVAn*s Yard. 
TWatH tikt wa; m the mai\ And thea I take drst tura to the right— 
«Ad iKeA— tti\ Ar»l tuTA to the Uft : Aai thea, I *m in Carter Siree% and 
t^Athinl turn to tK« right i»— l^n yure lWUYArd*A out of Carter 
$Si«*t^ And thAl iMbis iaio Urf«t Kidn- Street ; Hut I *n not to torn to 
tW Wr— thm— IWr. deAr, I thouicKt I coakt nmember the nu|v 
\i>4« w-w«*« 4f<tm ;W»V r*f?wL^ iJut I Ov-a'l thiak I do— ^ur< — 

MAr«KO^\VuH'ttrt.>afm-U'»^how-;«sal.^'a-<m-^wx-<>nr,-)larn,-TULt- 
A'\>w:o«s.wsa.lXv:«, Marm? 

r^f«v«Man«* rnu>, l\>csor? Nt\ nan; what »ho«ii 1 wast a 
1V««ir f.w? Ye«— 4y it dowa kerr« b«t I wvo^t mv wbas I vmni : for 
Um«^«»> sajw^^ii Uw ps|iers io get »%<« — * ^'jsw* /*< ;*y nry 
Di^ 4W MMtr 4^jwfm Timnt T*fik Aftrwiwis .v iiu t'w i'^A-^^v /.r 
itrtff^ It «M« ia l>Ms'» Yani, scer^wiwj*. 

Kv9«roMa.*«^-if^'<«''^^Hi9wvAi>lAO«>«9s>aI:. 



}foff Pim-'f-Xcs-J JAiJi (orerieariMg ier). Proctor, or Doctor, or 
Juice, MA^m* 

f ■*pTW<".yr»/ FmjU, 0\ ! here *s another of these men. {Graip$ ler 
&V t' ft ti-r^ty fi'f ^^''-^ I tnow I ought to find it myself; bat I 
can*!. Ou : ic 's a parrv of tue name of Tupfel, ifyoa please ? 

Mt>rt ISmp ^.V.A^i.ViM. Is it SuL Jovs, or the Doctor, or TurrnL 
And AVxnDLKPOTS y 

VtpfMtecteJ feau>. What can he meui by SiK Joe5, and tke 
Doctor? It'sTAiprrL T— a— i— 

J* pnxnfcu^ !o 9r.V tie mawee ft cm tie cmrd fknieied hg iw 

JH^^t PiMpi^X^seJ MsM, It an't no Ase A speUin' of it— iheT*Ee All 
one ^«m:'T — fb^re's SiA John acd the Docsor and the Proctors. 

l\pn:s^.'!eJ Ffwkxe, JLU cal>d TiLimLL— Oh, I woadcr whidi it is I 
want? 

jVvfY Pd^^.VdW Jf ML TWy mossly docs ran in twos aad threes ia 
the Oo3\3Me» — oesades TAxrniA, tbetr's Sia Jacob STtTnra* Rnr. 
a-d taere '• IhL RrsT, and there 's DA-STtrxxiA, and there 's Sttsxxx. 
KtrsT. aad Srrsnnu; «ad tiicrv 's Di. Ttck, andTrxx and TwATTLsa^ 
A£a Da. Ttxa Twjlttles, asd youg Da. Twattus. It rua m 
:Asi:'.3es a ora!*. it does, *efeftblMt9-^>^ I kw>ws *em aLi— biess ytm. ! 

''mrMKtei fewuue vaaiw «■ itr mmd /« cAr ntt^siim mCi asBt 



hwvr. d 



mmm m4 imtke wflkM titf the n«rt»-N0Ar:' Ma^ Am s »f*^ wpim 
me' XnA^ \\^ sno ibt Vu««r mr, *« 1 k»w itoF »«T per>cc jr. 

^<Mn>» Afn*^ tie .W jM^M^ % Air jar v»u vtanl the jmaa Mtai 
•tMw V TsnL 
t^ \ Smd Mm. AA9K!ii^<7c«-w«:t»*UArm.>A9c?'-9^sba«*}««. 



im.-,-Muf gfc^'*^*— 'ft*fci«yi<rAy • It'sthbcard iihaM vHiaipDOsa- 
m BMs ^<»msmjlS i» ftime t^ Mie ii."^ N^ T0« OBB looA At it— 



'cre-Mam-it'A 
atrifleL 

■A.*11 



Mbn l^A«ki I^2M«wtf;c««CK&^ tc^w*^ 
<rtim»^<iAi» Ma» si—fc wa m s imi^ 9e im jf jAw> ,i JEbvdsn 



iJkcii^t to ftal I'UsAowyoa. Wc 

r«|tf«^MM lemekt^ Oft— if ytn 
;0A«£ipeMe- 

rScsn eimetm t» tit C^rb" rwss at Twnm, 

SL 



CIcrh. If jou please^ M»'wn— Wbom did you ple&se to wuii P 
UnproUcUd Femalt. Oh— Mft. T&imL, if you please 



Clerk. Mk. Tbjppel's ia Court, 
papers, or a Enfssait 

Vt 



[Nerwnatjf gramitiB her bag. 
Ha'un~but if )ou'Il Ifave >our 



nproiecied Female {at once detfcting ku dfs'tgn to ohtain mrreptitiomB 
p04K$non qf ihe paperx and df/ntud hrr ff (hA properiy). 0\^ — no tbaak 
you — it *s of BO conafqucncc — ttiack you. {Aside.) I 'm sure I uuiebta't 
to mention the vitl to a stranger. [^Skt Uatet ihrq^, 

JUore PimpU-Naeed Mam {teho kaa teen wmturff for her). Now^ Matiu, 
nbere to P 

Unproteded FemaU, Qb, thank you !— I don't vant you, maa. aey 
more, [Paps kirn and then stands itrmUmie, 

More Timple-Kosed Mami^tpg *tp). Blc»s you, Marm— I knoir— it's 
a will. 

Unprotected Female {in agortf^^ Oh. man, how dar« ytm.? Oo away 
this miniitr, or I 'II call Pahce. 
[Mo&B FiHVLE NoBiQ MaK,^WiV^ there u noihing io le cfona^ reiirm, 
Unprotecied Frma/e {swidenfv sets a direetion Aoard ** 7b Hie Witt 
O&cen. Ob, the Will Offioo! That must bo where 1 'm io go. Tbey *U 
tell me what to do^ there. 
^H i^cxxtmcioKgetlotielnieriorof (keWiliQll^, dvmfmmigamd 

^H MiiUfoam, wUh mronge ^f desks atoag the eamitt^amdopemreotsett 

^^K wilh sAelees m emek side^ filed teiU squai amd aaH^ wlmmes, 

L u 

^" Sab 

I ^' 

I intl 

I lure 



miiM thelees m emem seae^miea teuM s^uat ama mnwm 
fettered and mwsierad, JleM amd tromem arm emeuftino ruriau* 
doettmenia <m dte deah^ amd reepfciatite amd tUami Ulfpii are 
empioged im tedtimg ont and rrplacing the volumes. 
Unproieeied Female (Jiattdl^). Oh ia Ihia the Will Office, please? 
CierA, Ywt Ma'am! What willr Giro jrear, month, and name. 
Unprotected Female. Oh. it 'a Ia5t year, in July, and the name is 
Saejlh Ja}{b Struggled. And I 'm come — 

[CliEfiK disappears. SAe looks round teiih a vogue apprehension. 
Clerk {briags eolmme). Sh — Sp — Sr — St — very odd — you rauBt be wrong 
in the year. Ma'am, or the name ! 

Umproieeted Fema'e Uarnesllg). 0^, no, indeed — it's my aunt. I'm 
lure I 'm right, for L had txpectations, and X 'm sure I remember. 



Cterk. No auoh will of ibttt dat& Ma'am 

Unprotected Female. Oh — bol that it the dai»» I aesare you. 

aerk. Can't be, Ma'w. 

Unproieeted Fmmif. Oh— indeed— I Vq got tbo wiU. 

Clerk. ProbfttA* Let's see? 

Unproieried Feesale. No ; 1 Va got ihe wiU itaelf. 

CUrk. Then, it 's not been proved ? 

Unprotecled Female. I've come to prove it— but I can't find Mb. 

EurpEL; 80 I thought perhaps they *d prove it here — ss it 's all oorrect. 

Clerk. Pooh— pooh— pooh— Ma'am. This is the Will Office. 

Vnprciected Female. Yes, so I thought. 

Clerk. We don't proTC wills here — we ^l *cm after they 're proved — 
you must find your Pfoctor— he'll setile it for you. 

Unproteried Female. Ob, but In 'a not at home. Sir, please. 

Clerk. Pooh— pooh~{>ooh— Ma'am, we really can't attend to joa — 
one shilling, for search. 

Vmprot«eied Female. Eh? 

Clerk. One ebilJiBR please— for search. 

Unprotected Female (pagiegvithout the least notion tchat Jhr). Oh, if 
yoa '<! Qnjr^ [Clfjik imrms ateag to amotker portg. 

More Pmfl^Hated Mmm {mho hat foliomed keraio dislamee mh the 
qfie^. Now, Mam — you cant find nothink in the G<umQons, without 
somebody as knows all about it— come — I '11 show you the Court for a 



Umpeoiaekd FemmU {%mddemig retMnf h pU imself imdo Ue hand* of 
I^MoutPiHrLfr-NowDMA}!). Now,ia]rg»odinaa.O^MK»(«ic94iak) 
Oh. I derlaro, h« aacila avihUjr of driniiu^ Oh, you^re sue you 'ra 
BOt (IniDk ? 

J/(/r? Fif»pU-Nosed Mam (Mrf impieeui9elg\ Nuflm stronger nor tea; 
nobody never drinks nuffin in the Commons. 

Unprotected Female. 'Ihen if vou couJd show me the Court. I want 
Mb. Tbitpel, and he 's in the Court. 
More Fimpte-Nosed Mam. 'Krc yon are. Marm. 

i^KSKMekmnpteiotkt Ci»r/.— Sra Jacob &nrKKMH Ruotu in the 
chair— YiXl ]{pst m on his lege m$ Jdooeoie « m redgotcn behind 
am esirmde— }1slKv a oA .Procter iM Ihe caim it eUtn^ai a tahle 
m0Jmeestif, im m bUtek gmem, Db. T%tmh ie JdooemU om tke 
other iide^ amd Mr. Tripfbl m Proctor. J JUaorce eaee w beieg 
carried tkroegh the Qmrt im a conzereational bid aligkilgelerpy 



More Pimple-Ncsed Man (in am atcestrickem manner). That 'b Str 
Jacob, that are in the Rownd and the cliair — and ' hat there 's Youxo 
Rust on his legs in hi* red gownd, wieh he's a Doctor, and they all 
wear* 'em lo-d^y ; he's a rum uu is Ydvno IIust ; and that 'a t'other 
TouKG Krex in the black gownd^ «icU that's the rroctot's ublc, and 
(li«M *» TiurtE:;— 'ere— 

[ff'iiMri tke Usher, mhtt mhisp^rs Triitu, rko leasee his eeoi OMd 
advance* to the UyvDotbcrico 1'Biuki.a m 



Unprotected Female, Oh— please — Sir— I beg your pardou for dis- 
turbing you, but — here's my card, and one of Waddledot and Cr[p- 
ILES, mysolidfors, {gives cards.) and I've come to prove my poor aunt 
Sa&ah Jack's mill— and {verg mgsleriomsig) I've got it iu my bsff— 
and 1 ' m certain that man's drunk. 

[Looking vUh great seoerilg at ike MoRE Puf rLi:-NosED V AJf. %chom 
the elosfM^.u (fthe Court seems to huic rulher orerpoiccrca , as he 
twayt to and fro a good dealt amd shows a desire to drop asleep 
om his legs. 

More Pimple-Nosed Man. All rii^ht. 

Trippel. The will, my dear Madam, if you please. 

Unprotected Female (ejtrartjt it from her lag, and rommita it leilh secret 
misgiHMgs to TfilPPZL, teho nnfulas aud t^ainiH/s ihe date indorsed). Good 
gracious- my dear Madam— death on 2Sth July, and here we are on 
SSth January— bv heavens, you 've jnst savf d it ! 

Unprotecf'ed Female [clasping her hande). Oh, gracious goodness, what 
is it? isn't it good, Sir? 

Wmpei. The six months eipirc fo-day. If we hadu't proved today, 
w« aooold h«f« bad tbe STamp-olBce down upon us ! (UKruoTECTED 
FeSULB almaei fgiaU at the dm horror tehicm this prospect sitggesle to 
bar.) But we moit swear ^ou— without delay — without the least delay. 

UmproUdedFemmU. Oh, if yon please. I 'd rather not swear anything. 

Thppel. AhaolntcJf necessary— as executrix- and then you cao sign. 

Uattrotected Feasate. Oh, if you please, I 'd rather not sign. Jliu JOXM 
haa aJwftvs tfJd me to he very cautions about signing. 

Mr. Trippei, You muit really, Ma**m. I '11 fetch the Doctor. 

UnprotecUd Fhnale. Oh no, thank you. Sir. I shall be better 
directly. It'a only nervousness. Oh ! I don't want the doctor, really. 

Mr. Tnppel. Ha! ha! ha! It's mv brother. I mean— Dil TfllPrEL, 
IiL.D.. not M.I)., ft Doctor of Laws, Ma'am, not Physic. 

UnpralaeUd Female. Oh! but please if you do without signbg— 
[Dk. ICsirrsL is brovghi op, and ScEVS closes om ihe impruthe 
ceemsong i/ swearing tie U»nu>TECiXl) TmhASM aggtmai her 



THE 'raOUGHTS OF A Sn.ENT MEMBER. 

VEVBR speak, but I think all the more. 

I often tfunk, ir Members spoke no more than I did. 
that business would get on all tlie better for it. 

I think tbe reporters are at the bottom of the long 
debates. If there were no repoiters, there would be no 
speeches, and, there being no speeches, we should only 
have to divide, and the Session might easily be over in one 
day. 

I think, if cigara and refreshments were allowed in the 
House, it would tend very much to enliven the debates, 
and would do more towards bringing opposite parties to- 
fetber than all tbe ipeeobilyng in tbe world. I half think, 
if CoBDEN and Disbaeu only bad a sherry-cobbler toge- 
ther, they wonld not care a straw afterwards about any little 
difference of opinion; and I do think, if MirSTZ were 
to cfTer Ststhorp a cigar, that it would almost induce 
the staunch old colonel to cross over from one aide of the 
House r.o the other. 
T think, if we were to meet earlier, and not to break up so late, it 
would be much more ra^cnal. It does appear strange, not to sar 
pdieulous, that some 500 gentlemen ahoula sit up alf night to tallc 
about the nation, when all the nniion is in bed. Anfi I think, if 
this arrangement were carried out. that onr wives would like it 
all the better. I know / should, for ray wife will nlways fcit up for 
me. and question me about *'my speech." Now, this addressed to a 
man who never by any accident says a word, is iMrticutarl^ unpleasant 
at two o'clock in the movnrng. No ! if there ia one thing I pride 
myself upon more than another, it is upon never haring made a fool of 
myself by attempting to apeak. I thtiuL but nerer spoJ:, — and that's 
bettrr than manv others, who vpeak without thinking. 

I think I 'm abont the only man in the House who oasn't made a fool 
of himself. 
Now, for a man who nerer says a word, I think I \e said enough. 




& Good Price given Cor B re ea e a. 
We read last week an advertisement in the Times headed :— 

'• C O N T E A C T FOR H R E E Z E." 

Here's a grand opportunity for those married gentlemen who hare 
oiore breezes at home than they know what to do with t , 

A Good Sigx.— If there we» any doubt as io tbo falMbood of the 
absurd rumour that Lord John liussxxx was ineroe^') ^«^^iv^v^ 
finality, or having come to tk%^AaA-S^6^Nsvk'VBawe5KabWS«cMhiAL -««$«»■ 



I 





The Fbost gois, a}4D Hb. BBtoos's Hob£B is oisACfiisBASLY rsLtsa aftea his lovg kest. 

A^D FLOXOES AT BVEBTTHniQ BB tfEETS, 



He sets uf ms back avd squeaks, 



I 



I : 



WHERE IS BLISS TO BE FOUND? 

The son^-Trriters havfl freatieatly asked wilh some slight Taristions 
of phraseology, " WAere u Miss to be found?' " aud we are glad to be 
able at last to answer their question by saying, once for all, toat " Bliss 
is to be found in the last scene of every pantumime." 

The srarcber after happiness lias only to go to the theatre where the 
usual Chriatmas entertainment is given, and by following the precfpt 
of the moralist, to ** Wait for the end," he wiU be sure to make tbe 
desired discoverv. The curtain will oertainlr not descend until he has 
■een either the "Halls of Blias." tbe "Realms of Delight;" tbe 
"Groves of Felicity," or the "Saloons," "Temples." or "Porticos" 
of "Joy," "ilirtb," or " Happinoaa." 

It is trae, that as that which is "One man's meat is another'& 
poisoD," so that which the play-bills describe as "bliss" would bean 
intense boro to the world in genera); for pantomimic rapture usually 
consists in maintainiog a most uncomrortable position, amid a dis- 
agreeable blaze of blue or red light, and a driuling shower of uncom- 
fortable spark« from smoky fireworks. If such are the elements that 
rule in the Halls of " Bliss," it is clear that Mobtraji's firework 
manofaciory, in the Westminster Road, must be, a fortiori, an Klysium. 

We know that there is no plrasure without pain, but «e should 
deelina a heiu tiattdi in the " Halls of Delight," when the condition of 
sneh A standing is, that you stand upon your head on the top of a pike, 
with a Roman candle stuck into pur mouth by way of Koman-candle- 
stick, and a Catherine wheel revolving round your nose inttead of its own 
axis, Tbe poet who told uo, that ignorance is bliss," was certunly 
right as far as pantomime bliss is concerned, for it would be much 
better to be ignorant of such bliss Altogether. K walk through tbe 
"Halls of Hapoiness" after thecurlaiu goes down, when clown is being 
released from the top of the pole, upon wiiich his popularity has placed 
him, and the other heroes and heroines of the night descend from their 
uncomfortftble elevation into the arms of the carpenters, 4hile tbe fire- 
man extinguishes tbe sparks slill remsiriing with his heavy higblows, 
and prepares hi^ hose for the night— «ucfi a ramble behind the scenes 
would AUord sad proof of the emptiness of all theatrical felicity. 



NELSON'S HORATIA. 

We think we now espy hope for Nelson's Daughter. We truRtthat, 
the Aristocracy rejecting her, she will now be adopted by the People. 
PuHch, to aid m the publicity of the subjoined, copies it from the Tim9$ 
of Feb. 1 :— 

HORATIA NELSON.— If W. M., tbe writer of a letter in the Tima, of 
Decvmber, 1S49, viU CONFEB with H. Q., l'a«tK»tBc«. CAaterbuiy, tM will h«mr of 
MTTcnl penoDB auiotu to fall Id wlta tiU ra^iution for " a Matlooal Bubs crlptloa ia 
01 Nbuov's Dftosbtw." 



Punch ha<i, he thinks, to make an admirable suggest ion to the excellent 
people of Norwich. As Nelson was a Norfolk man — (a real Norfolk 
Dumpling, transmuted bv M^B5 in^o a cannon-ball) — as Nelsok began 
his eaiication at the High School of Norwich,— J^r Puneh suggests to 
the Mayor of that city the propriety of beginning the public work, by 
calhng a public meeting in aid of Nkl-son's Child. 



A Oompliment to Tftck. 

The Natal Cir/mfar notices the arriral of the Hecate at Fortsmontb, 
from Bermuda, with this compliment : — 

" It la fTTfttiffinK t> stAtc, thAt althxni^'b bcr crew 1« one borrowsd from tbo S^etHgta 
cbivfly, ftmoD^ wlwini LTD ■onto bmutu guotifir*, not tini* casa of deaertlou to AjD«rlaa 
htu occurnu], altluqgh ihfl Ik/ aoma tUno off ui Ajucrioui port," 

Thof, it would Boem, that Bnglish tars, when shipped to American 
markets, like English printed oottons, are ^most to be praised when 
warranted— not to run. 

splitting the IirPFERENCB, 

CnAitiTABix persons are in the habit of sendinjir portions of five-ponnd 
notes by way of coiilrihutions to benevolent objects. We are sorry to 
throw a ttlur upon what is undoubl-cdly a very noble action, but when a 
man fortrards a bank note in two separate pieces, truth compels us to 
declare that tie is only doing things by halves. 



I 



''J^a^ ^ WillUm BrUkwr. «/!(• u, Dprffr Woftom^UM, tatt«nii4k of SL AMni,aM4 



Sm bf itii 



a**ajk«t Xo-^Ohortb- 



r. %t«b* ^aHL-tMi bnik lu Ik* rjHiiiTvnr M'^l 



pf1>tfn.&! TbaU 



CUHIOSITIES OF MBDICAL EXPEDIENCE. 




AMical Studmt. " Whli., old FcLLCit, so roo'VK *pa&5Sd* at lait." 
Cofifu/dil^ Aileron. " Ybs ; but I dow't okt much ■■racticb. somb- 

IIOW — ALTUOVOa 1 AM XEAKt.t ALWAYl AT UOMK, IX CASK AXT OXR 
SHOULD CALL." 



MR. PUNCH 



ON CHURCH 
EDUCATION. 



AND STATE 



Mk. Punch has often made liis appearance at Willis's Rooms, but. 
bring a dtr.ided opponent of "National Kducat ion upon strictly Cliurcli 
rnnciplcs,*' he kept away from the building; last Thursday when the 
friends of Chnrch Education met to uphold their plan. 

Mr. F. declares that he is as much interested in the Education 
question as any Prfilati?, Archdeacon, Warden of Winchester College, 
or Majesty's Counsel learued in the law th^-n present, at Willis's ; where, 
as of course ihey bad hired the rooms for their own purpose, tliey had as 
good a right to dAiice to their own tunes, so (o speak, ns other folks do 
at the same plac^ up^n payment of their money. It is only in the 
columns of the JSmf* newspaper tbaf- Mr. P. r*'Bd8 a record of their 

1>roceedings : and of tiiese, as he also is a public preacher, he feels 
timself bound to speak. 

That eloquent Q. C, who presided over the raeeling, and whose 
tongue is lo tweet that even wheu he speaks against you, one is 
charmed to hear him : that ac«)mplished orator, Mu. .1 Tai.BUT, stated 
not twfairly what the purposes of the Government J{ducatiou ^cheuie 
are: and pretentcd it m what be called its hideous dclorniity. 

" Tha ffnvemtncst plui," Ms. TAUioruiid, "wms nmr ran«ired In aU Iti hMontu 
delbriDlljr, ad<1 requlr»l liutAnt mistauce. [Hear, Aror.t It woa proposal to ooosUtulo 
aMntr*! mIwoI fur tbe nibply ofdUtrici cebools wltti uacberi, tn wii\eh Ui«n *u not 
lu bd th« tUKlitoKt Rppnmrli to % Diurcli Cliu«ct«r, tvi coutiexion «h«l(>v«r Willi Rpti- 
comI 9up«rinU)nileno«, do profiaMion of fmitb, no crted, do Cfttcchlani, but & delibcnia 
MiiKinc tuKetber, uodiw um plat of oumpniliciulTo edneatloa, evsry mrioty of dlxMni 
and ctf diffientMM, or ladlShranee, la religion, tb« prabkbld rvault of vhleh would be anl- 
renwl seepUoUm and lufldeUty. In eonoecUoit wltb thU wiu ttie arstein of InspectotB, 
uon mpotulbla to tlic Comtnltiee of EdncaU^ni a]oDi>, and riulto Independent of ths 
bl«bop« and of onlralaatlcaJ aothorl^, ao4 wIioko wbuli> builiivt* r«UlM) to ibe diue- 
mloaaon of uraiUr kttowlcilge rfttn«r than of rellgloiu tnitli, (Utar, fttar)- ample 
alMbrat mach tuaihematica and toMljanics land lurveylat;, aod what not; but of 
nU^OR, Dotblng; of dogmatic UiachUig, notlitng." 

Now, beauty is a quesiion of tasle like any other; and Mr. P., 
taking Mr. Talbot's state ment as his own. declares in the face of tbe 
honoured public of Great Britain, th«t this plan of edneat ion, pronounced 
by Mr. Taldot to be a " hideous deformity," is, in Mb. P.'s eyes, a very 
pretty plan. 

P, u heartily and earnestly wi^h^a th%t there msy be schools eslab- 
liihed throughout England, for 1 he " disseminai ion of secular knowledge, 
ample algebra, mnoK mechanics and mathematicp, land surreving, ana 
what not" — as he heartily and earnestly denies that their result will be 
*' universal inUdelity and scepticism." A black Fetish roan, or a priest 
of the Obi persuasion, may not wish hiswoollr congregation to leani 
to read, or to listen to the white missionaries lest they ahould begin to 
doubt of MUHBO Jwso: a conjurer does not allow the children to 
yp.i :oo close to his table, or they wonld set how some of his tricks are 



performed :— these are tlie prAcantiona of knarea and quacks— not ol 
tDlighteued teachers and professors of the truth. The teaming 
of it cin't lead lo error. Does the learning of algebra lead lo a dia- 
beiief in the Gospels? Does n knowledge of mechanics cause a man 
lo douht in the miracles? What else do young men i earn at Cam- 
bridge, but algebra and mechauics? It is a blasphemy against 
the Truth to say that i!s consequences are liea and evil ; and be 
doubts it, and is a coward regarding it, who fears d.ingers to if, 
from (00 close public iuTestigalion. We won't look at truth, now-a-day>L 
as travellers do at HoniiHh relic«, across a raiting, or through a glaud 
hole, with a verger at their sides canting out bis account of the wonder. 
That sort of guardianship is good for the Crowns of tbe Three Kings, 
or the Bones of the Eleven Thousand Virgins, but not for the TnttJi, 
It belongs to all; its book is always open and ready for every man's eyes. 
It is set up in the public place now, and does not sneak in SAnclunriea 
to be exbit)ited occasionallv by the priest, and locked uo at night bv tho 
bradle. Truth is not phys-ic or jKiiaon, to be adniinisf^red carefully by 
Divinity Doctors ; but bread, life's sustenance, of which every man may 
take his reasonnblc share, without asking grace of the phvsicinn. It n 
not we who doubt its wholesouieness, wbo say "Come all men and par- 
take of it ; " but those who would keep the public away from it, eicepfc 
under the prescription of the doctor. Doctors I* psha! GorjiaK 
ift a Doctor; PiiiLi.POTTs is a Doctor; MR.NEWMAKwas a famous 
IWtor of ourfchools, which he has Quitted forquiteadifler«utprac'iott 
Mr. NoKt was a regular Doctor and has left the Colleg'';— we spt-HiE.M 
these learned persons no*, with (hr slightest disrespect fur tlie opittioni 
which each holds, and which they bear conscientiously through evil and 
good repute ; but, because the very notoriety of their differences pleads 
for toleration, and proves that there ought to be a neutral ground wbera 
finglish boys and j^iris may learn reading, and stowing, and geography, 
and the nmtfiplication table in quiet. Are not these Diings good, true, 
and wholesome? Is it not goou that all should know them 1* Xtisgood 
tlint a We^eyun milk^niaid sliould be able to spell, that an Anabaptist 
plough-boy should know his multiplication tabic, that a High Church 
tailor's apprentice should know someUurgof history, and a Low-Church 
young cobbler should be able to write dccmtly, whatever differences of 
religious opinion there may exist between him and the little Papist 
who is casting up a Itule of Three sum at hi* side. Oh. you doctors, 
you are brawling and battling among yoiirsrlves ceaselessly, and yet 
>ou cry out tliat there are none but you who are lit to teach little 
children to write and to spell, and that their souls are in peril if your 
eyes are not over their slairs and grammar-boo ka ! 

Here, for instance, at this meeting, gets up Mn. NAriEB from Dublin, 
who says that the Government M:heme of teaching ctiildren of all religions 
denominations to read, is " rrn atiffnpt io exclude iionf/om the Governmeni 
rf (he vorld ; to sepnrute FrovnUacffrom man ; to tet tip the wi$dom 9J 
man aoaitut God's truth.*' In this wav the honourable gentleman raves 
and blasphemes, because two boys of different religious persuasions sit 
at the same bench to learn the multiplication table. This is a seal 
ardent, indeed; worthy of Laynez, the hereticbumer ; wortli^ of 
Cam'in, ibc Socioianroaster ; worthy of the wickedest days of the 
wickedest persecution. Oh, NaI'Ier of Dublin, who are you, to come 
from Ireland, and charge wiih atheism all £nghuid ihat docs not agree 
with you P What commission or authority have you, timt you so meddle 
wilh the Divine name? How dare you to call me atheist? blasphemer! — 
that am born by the Divine will, as you are ; that worship it and acknow- 
ledge it as you do ; though I do not. believe as you do, (tltank heaven I) 
or, that a consemience of my creed is a curse of Ibe greater part of 
nmnkind ? Mh. Napier, who charges us all with rebellion agnniAt the 
Divinity, so that we are so many devils — neither more nor less — this 
amiable gentleman is " one of the friends of Kducalion on strictly 
Church principles," and a popular Champion to choose in the days of 
her dolours and difficuliien. 

After him rises Mr. G. A- Dznisok, another auxiliary of Mother 
Church, who is likely to make her cause popular. 

" Dy everr nw»ns «l their Dommand, tUe CnmaUMasof EdneaUon wets seeking U 
make •dttoatloD ludotHinduut of auy dcHnlta form of reUgUitu tUtb; In qnartorv exer' 
dstnK no contempliMti intluftn'o nwr thn Cbnnah there wai manlftutJd a fearful 
indUienuioe to divine truth; laUtudinarianUm was fbdlnf (kroar In blgb placm. 



{Htar,Juar.) But the grMtut danger of all was the praetloal nflgatlon of dcfiiUta truth 
wlilrli waa found ao latgeljr In the Church itaelf, from that ipirit of eotnpTomtee which 
Ittl men, for the lake of what they erraoeouAly called peace, to Critter away tiie 
obJccUru truth ; from that eieklv BenUmeitt which made men ahrink froni uafurtln]; 
tbe banner on which wer« written the awful wortti, 'ThU it tbe Catholia Kalth, which 
uoleM man be11eve«, be cannot bo utved.' (//mr, ktar.) Thu efSKta ol this «ptr1t of 
negation and of cunipromiM were not far to auek. Tbe qaeatlon of educaUan tiad boea 
fhim tho firit, tKtwMn the malntcnaaoa or tbe wrrsndar of tbo ened and doctriac* of 
tbe Churrh OaOioltc and of the ealaeblsiD of the duareh Of EngUad. (Umte, Aaer.) 
All Miuealiii* Jlototd from amd wmcMori/y dtp<^4ed mpom |A« ioetmt ^ r^omtmiitm 
in htpUm.{Uiar, Ardr.)-that doctrine vhifh bad M raooatRHulj- bean of Intti made 
nibject of appeal to a court not ncceesarlly compoaod of Churelimcn, and baring 
neoekiariljr no iplritual character." 

Now, Mn. Napier from Dublin, what do jou say to this doctrine o( 
the origin of education, by Mr. Deki90K from Oxford? Very likely 
your little Dublin boys never heard of such a thing. Do you believe it, 
—or don't you P Lf you don't, Mr. Denison refers you wilh politeness 
but wilh pain (for bis curses do not seem to us to have the Napikr smnck) 
— Mk. Denisok refers you to the paragraph in his speech, he^.s£^^nj»* 




OL. XYIU.! 



1^ 



iliU 



62 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 



" Thia is the Cathdlio Faith/* fto. Now, Mb. Nafisb, do you hold this 
dootme. or not P if not — ^you know the couseguences — you are as badly 
off as tae atheists whom you were assaultins just now. And the 
chances are that being an Irishman you do not oelieTe it : it is certain 
that very few of the little Irish children have ever read i^ or heard of 
it: some of Philpotts's boys may hold this doctrine, but Gorham's 
boys don't: Gobhau dmies it flatly: and half the Church of £ngland 
I with him. Things may be changed since we went to school, but iu our 
time, we believe that the head-masters of public schools did not begin 
lessons every morning with a statement of " Boys, all education flows 
from, and necessarily depends on. the doctrine of," &c. Why should tliey P 
when they disagree about it in Doctors* Commons, when the archbijihoijs 
themselves are very reserved about it, and the Bench of bishops is mum. 
After these laymen rises Mb. Sewell, who says, that, if my boy 
learns to spell at a school where the Catechism is not taught, he is 
brought up under a system 

** Which mutt iHevUabljf destroy In the created being: venenitlon for the Creator, In 
Am child love for the pai-eot, la the pupilreipectfortlie teacher, in the subject obedience 
to the lUte." 

And after Sbwell comes the Warden of Winchester, who declares 
"titit the Committee of Council of Education are not only forgetful of 
their duty to their God and to the people, but also of their duty to the 
Sovereign" — declarations rather alarming, certainly, were the truth of 
them proved : but let us hope that the clerical gentlemen are wrong, 
and 1^ away by professional zeal, rather than thinklhatHer Majesty's 
QoTemmeiit, andthe Council of Education, and the School Inspectors, 
masters, mistresses, and pupils, are in the deplorable condii ion described, 
and all cursed from beginning to end. Let us humbly hope, we say, 
that your Keverenoes are wrong. Among the approvers of the Govern- 
ment Educational Scheme, are persons just as wise as you ; among the 
Inspectors, other clergymen no doubt as good. The gentlemea of whom 
you say that they " forget their duty to God and the Sovereign," are 
by age and education capable of judging for themselves ; it may be that 
a knowledge of the multiplication table, however acquired, will not lead 
to Atheism, and that Jews, Methodists, Baptists, and Socinians, honour 
their fathers and mothers as well as you do. 

O gentlemen ! O servants of the poor dear old Church of England, 
while you are boxing and brawling within the sanctuary, why send forth 
these absurd emissaries to curse the people outside? They don't mind 
your commications ; they are only ieerinf^ at your battles. *'A8 sure 
as you learn geography without us,^' shrieks Sewell from the tower, 

"you'll be .' '* Go it, Gobdam— Pitch into him. Philpotts!" 

bellows the mob, grinning tlirough the windows. " Beware of the mul- 
tiplication table," cries out the Warden from the door : — and the people 
are looking at Baddelt and Bayfobd fiKhting over the font. Alas 
and alack ! we are in tiuies- of difficulty. Why don't you, archbishops 
and bishops with ten thousand a year, tell us what to do P you waggle 
your venerable wigs and say nothing. The chitf priests are silent, and 
the Lerites are in commotion. One walks out of the place altogether 
and leaves his cassock (and brings his Nemesis) behind him : ever so 
many more quit it, and get the tops of their heads shaved, and have 
themselves christened over again, each as a new man : Baptist walks 
off and has himself rebaptised in Gray's Inn Lane— ! the limes are 
sad ! 0, Ministers of our venerable mother — keep quiet tongues in 
your heads, for her sake, will youP pious laymen, such as Denison 
and Naheb, do, do if )[ou can, restrain yourselves from cursing so 
freely. The people in this country teill learn to read and write; they 
will not let the parsons set their sums and point out their lessons, or 
meddle in all their business of life : and as for your ou* cries about iu- 
fidelity and atheism, they will laugh at you (liS long as they keep their 
temper,) aud mind you no more than Mumbo Jumbo. 



THE WATDR KINGS. 

Correspon- 
dent of the 
7iW< suggests 
that having 
caused tne 
overthrow of 
the Railway 
King, it is 
now time to 
free ourselves 
from the des- 
potism of the 
lliver Gods» 
who tTranoise 
over the com- 
munity. The 
water ques- 
tion is one 
that comes 
home to our hearts and our hearths, our cisterns and our tea-kettles. If 
we go on drinking poison at the present rate, the Bur^lvors will begin to 
rfsrarJiheir tefiL-urns ^6ftQ many urns to the meisiory of departed relatives. 
We suapeot that there ore sevt^ral cocsigued aunubUy to a Thames 
! watery grave, without their being in the least aware of the liquid being 
the cause of their liquidation of the debt of nature. 
I It is bad enough to oe poisoned, but it is still worse to have to par 
! an enormous price for the lethiferous trash, which, laid on through 
leaden pipes, renders the "piping times of peace" more deadly than 
war to the water drinker. The rates are fearfully high, and if you seek 
r( dress at the fountain head, the New River head is the only one that is 
accessible. The water despotism must be overthrown ; we must revolt 
against the aquatic authorities who have usurped the fork of Neptune, 
which they only use to make the public fork out as much as possible^ 




A Few Stumbling Blocks in the Path of Tame. 

BT ilR. BRIKFLESS. 

Beino engaged as junior in a cause, and finding ourself described in 
the papers of ilie following day as *' another learned gentleman." 

Going into Court without our wig and gown, to hand a compute to 
the Usher, who tells us that "those things can't be taken from the 
attorney's clerk", but must be handed in by a barrister." 

Having a half guinea motion, and refusing it on the plea of "other 
retainers eliewhere^" the real tact being that it does not pay for the 
sake of a solitary ten-and-six to incur the usual charge of one pound 
nineteen for the robing-room. 

Having to open the door to a client while our clerk has gone out 
for a lobster, aud the clerk bursting into the room with the lobster just 
M we are quoting "Cbibb's Digest" 

8ATIN0S without DOINGS. 

" I SHOUU) just like to pay you off," as John Boll said to the 
National Debt. 

" I wish I oonld get things into the right train," m the Unpro- 
XKCTEit FiMALS stid to herseU when she uw her luggage going away 
from ber in all dinctioas. 



LOUIS-NAPOLEON " SPARE THAT TREE." 

The Parisians must be getting as nervous as a lot of old aspens ; 
for there is continually something happening to fri(?hten them out of a 
portion of the few senses that may still remain to them. 

Within the last few days considerable excitement has been caused 
by the removal of some of those eyeeores— the dead trees of liberty. 
Upon some of them had been placed various flags and revolutionary 
emblems, which being hoisted to the top of the high trees, were 
regarded by the Government as little less than high treas-on. The 
disaffected on the other hand, thought Louis -Napoleon guilty of a 
design to cut up the Republic root and branch hy laying the axe — 
without aieing the permission of the people— to the trees of Ubertjr. 
For our own parts we think that if these sorry symbols of the Republic 
are not likely to flourish or put forth foliage, it is quiie as well that they 
should be compelled to take their leaves by order of the authorities. 



NELSON'S "HORATIA." 



Punch is a little embarrassed by the communication of a " Constant 
Reader" — albeit very flattering to Punch, ^nd. very indicative of im- 
pulsive generosity on the part of the aforesaid " Header ;" of whom 
Punch has to request an early line, that the " Reader's " communication 
may be returned to him. Pauch being desirous in this, and in all 
matters, of no other testimonial than the rewarding sympathy of his 
Readers, and tlie approval of his own conscience. 

In default of ihe " Reader" not seeing the above — or seeing it, not 
acting upon it— the communication, though at present very perplexing 
to Punchy will be forwarded to the benefit of some object that may 
make the best and speediest use of the difficulty. 

A line, however, is earnestly regueated from a " Constant Reader" a 
line recapitulating the substance of his former letter, that there may be no 
mistake in the person replying to this, PunckU emphatic solicitation. 



Another Case " for the Protectionists. 

Wb read the other day. in one of those amusing miscellanies, a " City 
article,'* that pepper was getting up, and we foresaw at once that the 
Protectionists would have a good cry directl;? they set their eyes on 
pepper. They will of course bewail the additional difficulty of getting 
their rents in those oases where the rent is a pepneroom, aud with a 
frantic shout of "Look at pepper" they will dedare they are beina 
ground down worse than ever. There is no fear that tiie artiob vill 
maintain too high a price, for pepper is about the last thing that 
will pay for through the note very readily. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



63 



PUNCHES PARLIAMENTARY HODGE PODGE. 

To EviE^ One Ge^etln*;: Tho Parlieiment meelinf, 

Puitei oriien hia faithful reporler* reporter, 
Wbile no^hinif mit-itar^infr, to RtTe the dehatinff, 

BufccuHioff the Bpeeches much shorter, much shorter. 

In the strife and the UmEness, there 'a always » ^ameneaB, 

Anolher day's very like one day, like onr dny s 
So after some weedinga» we giTe the praceedingp, 

In the w<^ that they h^ppeaed on Monday, oa Monday, 

With Eloquence manly, up rose 'he Lord StakIxt, 
And t&iVed nhoat Ar>MiHir PAiiKfcii, ye5, Fabkbr ; 

Some papers he wanted — thoiigh pap«ta when grantedj 
Will oflea make matters much darker^ muck darker, 

Then came MAaQUT^^ Lansdow^se with look soft »s swanB-down, 
Trust tng quarrels wilh Giept^e would be ftfetinp, quite fleeting ; 

The docrumonts ^ranlia;; Loild Staklev was waatinf. 
The nuitter ihm pleaaatitly meeii&g, ft*, meetis^. 

Diaenssioa procefclled, thoiijuh none couM He needled : 
Lord LANSDOWjiE'e compliance had s'opp*d iJ, hftditopp'd U; 

Bufc [fBe or tfO meiiil>er5 kept poking ilie embers, 
TiU thtir Lordships conciuHvely dropp'd it, j*s, droppM it. 

Oa the vsTf same ni^iih too* a* tliey had a rii^ht: t:o, 
The Commons 'bout Gref ce had oeen askings, been asking ; 

LofttJ Paltiteh&ton's readiuefla, with obctittftte »te*ditiesi, 
Mn. GiASON adroitly waa ta^kingr, WM taskingi 

Thfn MiaiEB Disjlasu detemitnintr gaily 

To physic Los.n P. as wifb s^nna» with acnna; 
Said, relations with Turkey look'd gloomy aid murky. 

At weU aa with Spain and Yiensft, yienna. 

Ncit AxsTET, calt'J CriisHOLM. delightiDK in schism, 

A word iutroductd 'bout Moldavia, Moldavia ; 
When Paxwerston' coolly put down the unruly, 

With hia ttflual off-band beliaviour, behaviour. 

The addrcia Ihe report on. no sooner tu brought on. 
Than there rose with a look of dejection, dejection. 

MiSTZR Packe, who Umented in tenna disEOLtentcd, 
The loss of his dear friend Protection, Protection, 

Mfl. HuiiE in repijinK io Mister Packers sigliin?. 
Demanded Reform from Loud Hiissell, LduD KussELl, 

Which aet many serkingat once toJfc spfakiog, 
And threw the House into a bustle, a bustle. 

Then both sides together got arffnin^, whether 
Free Trade was ag^od or a bad Ihimc. abad thing; 

There rose aueh a bother, 'twiit one and the other, 
The confaaion was really a sad thing, a sad thing. 

LoBB KcssELL, however, by earnest endeavour. 

In answering questions succeeded, succeeded. 
Proceeding to mention— he thought an extension 

Of the franchise, at present, not needed, not needed. 

Next came some orations and small observations. 
Evincing no wondrous discernment, discernment ; 

And a member who woke up, the niglit's business broke up, 
By moving at once the adjournment, adjoumment. 



THAMES WATER IN THE NURSERY AND THE GARDEN. 

" Esteemed Sik, 

'* As you do not always reject scientific communvcations, I 
venture to submit to you a curious case iUuAtraLiug the compafativQ 
£fft*ct of Thames water on auimul and vrpfetahle Hfe. I took my house 
— wbich derives its water-supply, throuf^h a Company, from the Thames 
— about a year a^, 1 bad scarcely beeu in it sit inoatba, when my 
chlldren'fl growth seemed to have stopped, and they had become en- 
dentjy emaciated. My doctor ascribed tjjcse alarming symptoms to 
tbc watrr we drank. Behind my house I have a little back i^Arden, 
with cabbages in it. Not far from our reaidence there is an Artefian 
well. The doctor recommended mo to give the w^ell-wafep to the 
cluidren, and ttie Thamea-water to the cabbagea. His adtice was 
followed, with equal benefit to my plants and my progeny. Tbe latter, 
on leavinf off Tnanies water, 800q rcRainpd flesh ; the fonner, on being 
supplied with it, bef an to vegetate I nsuriantt J, I wonder what those 
peculiar principlea can be ilk tbe water of the Thames, wbich, wUikt 
they s^unt the humaa frame, are so highly nutririous to vegetable P 
Can you inrorm 

" Your fervent Admirer, Simom PurbF" 

•#* Th* peculiar principles contained in Thames wa*cr, in addition 
to their more useful [yropoTties, evolve such a quantity of aulphujetlwl 
hydrogen gas, which is inflamTnable, that if the River continues much 
longer to be tue receptacle of the London sewage, we beiievc even our 
Cofttapondent will be able to set it on fire. 



THE CREDIT OF AN EMPEROR. 

Cub dingv friend, Souloxtqtje, having got tired of a tub for his 
throne, whicn furnished a butt for ridicule, has been sending orders to 
Paris for splendid upholstery, to uphold his imperial dignitv. Tbe 
furniture was put in hand, but the manufacturers want tbe casn to be 
in hand as well as the furniture. Soulou^tte having been called upon 
for a remittance, and being almost as destitute of money as he is of 
clothes, sent off a cargo of sugar, in the hope that it would sweeten 
anyihing like bitterness on the part of his creditors. The Parisian 
tradesmen were, however, not to be done by anythiog so raw as a lot 
of brown sugar, and have returned it all on SoiTLOtrquz's hands, who 
has no wav of showing his anger but by his black looks, which we need 
not say are quite lost m the distance. He is rather disgusted at the 
manofacturers bemg so excessively reluctant to part with their fur- 
niture, and be thislu— though he has not said as much— that persons 
who are so ohary of their chairs and tables, must be most un^ari-table 
(Attneters. Instead of •cadiiw out the fmttituUt and easy lonogea, he 
oider^ thM hav« by their remsal of credit, girea hiss a wttiBt down 
of % yvn Admit nalnre. 



AFFAIES OF HUNGARY. 

TnE^E afairs have^ sltogetfaer, been treated 
fn ihe Hoiiie of Commcna with a vpifit of 
pleasantry ttiat iMtructively proves the truth 
of Fieltjtkg'.^ aiiom, that tber« are many 
ptoplfi who can bear tbe Diisforlunes of their 
neighbours like Christians. Shooting of 
brave soldiers, hanging of venerable leaalists 
and judges, atid scourging on the naked back, 
under the glaring eyes of a savage soldiery, 
ircives and mothers — l]ioite:U mortal, horrible 
BTid loattiaonie to the suiTerers, m&y b* very 
placidly talked about — Jiay, eloquently de- 
fended, 1o "a frigid house" by membera of a 
British parliament. 

Thus Lord Dt*m.ET_ Stuart made his 
fitatement of ihe atrocities suffered by Hun* 
gAry at ihe iccamadine hands cf the Eu- 
TEEOB OP AusrrtiA— (hia Lordship read over 
the list of death) — a terrific caialogue, to 
startle Kaisers at some time — when — 

Lord C. Hamilton wondered at anybody 
who could think ill of the EsfFEBOR or Aus- 
tria I The House (Lord S. must acknow- 
ledge) was as cool as a cucumber, with all his i>other about Hungary. 
And who could think Austria's young Emperor any other than an 
Imperial flower— the very pink of Potentates— a perfect gentleman P 

He. Disraeli said the whole matter was ridiculous. Some noisy 
people bad been hung and shot and whipped in Hungary ! Well, hadn't 
people been shot andflogged in Ceylon? If there were lialters and cats 
in Hungary, were there not halters and cats under English dominion 
in the East ? People who could not— as he could— look upon these 
matters, and generalise them with a philosophic spirit, addbg thereto a 
shake of Cayenne and a squeeze of lemon, — people who could not do 
this, were people of a very narrow mind, and— pcrhap^ he was very 
sorry for them. 
Aiid here, for the present, the matter (bleeding Hungary) rests. 




Our Ooloners Experience. 



Wz are delighted to find our old friend, Colonbl Sibthobp, on his 
legs again, overwhelming the Government with inoffensive abuse 
apropos of any and every question before the House. Alluding to the 
Commission for the Grand Industrial Display to take place next year, 
the Gallant Colonel is reported to have said — 

" If luch were to b« the oomponent parts of tb« Commlwtoa fat woald only angnr, 
for experience bad made him wise, that there would be tuHblng but tmk um 
mKDoeuvre." 

We hope our Colonel will not rejteat this. There is a certain sort 
of persons who are proverbially said to be made wise by experienoe. 
We would not hear <Hir Colonel's enemy class him with such, nor «hall 
he, with our acquiescence, do our ear that violence. 




PUNCH'S PRIZE PALETOT. 

A pRi7.e of Five HuNuaEO Pounds worth of rccommendaiion ii 
offered by 3/r. PhhcH, of 85, Flccl S'rect, liOndon, for tbc best 
vpecitutiD of a Palktot, to be exhibited at the Great Kxhibitiou of 
iSnl. 

Condition 1. That a jury comptowd of l3 men =12 tailors, six of 
whom ahall be masters. an<l six journeymen, shall be empanelled to 
adjudicate on the merits of the competini^ garments. 

Condition S. That the Paletot, as reii:ard.s pecuniary figure, shall be 
reasonably adjusted lo the pocket of Mr. Punch's nether ^iLrmenls. 

Condition 3. That the Paletot shall be cfilculated to wear some lill!e 
time without bursting at the seams, or getiiug threadbare, or the lining 
becoming dclactied from the cloth. 

Condition 4. That the Paletot shall be adapted to display to iht; 
greatest advantage the elegant proporrions of the person of Aft: PuH<:h. 

Condition 5. That the Paletot shall be of such a texture as to impart 
perfect comfort to Mr, Funrh's senaitiye skin. 

Condition 0. That it shall impart the fame agreeable feeling to Mr. 
PuHch'i equally sensitive nerves and conscience. 

Condition 7. That the preceding condition may bo sat is fact only 
guaranteed, the worknten who made the several Paletots Ahall be 
protluceJ, and testify that none of those vestments were worn by them 
in the QuikiDg for want of other clothes, and whilst bfllicted with a 
catching di&order. Also, that for thtrir hibuur in the niauufaulure of 
the Paletot they were paid fairly by their employers. 

Condition 8. The Priu-Palctot sluiU be called the Gentleman's Wrap 
per, to distinguish it from the Wrap-ltascalB, or those cheap Ptdctots, of 
which the cheapness is obtained by starvation wages, atul which are 
bought with a knowledge of that circumatancc. 



Ctiiiocs Inconsistkkcv.— It U singular that the Protecliooisla 
should make such a fuss about British ludualry, whilst they them- 
icivea are lo oompltttelj abroad. 



A nuMOUB having got into circulation that this respectable membe. 
of the UoroloRical Society was sutfering from an mteroji complwnt 
which had deprived him ol the use of both his hands, a letter ha* bed 
wrilten to the 'ftmes by his physician, Mji, Ukst, who has had liis cas 
— we-menn the clock-case— under treatment. It seems that the palicnf. 
like many other iuhabitants of the City of London, hud been injured by 
want of attention to cleanliness, the dirt standing nearly an mch thick 
on his face and hands, and tiiere being such an accumulaUon of particlf a 
in tlioso passages which ought to have been quite free, that how he liaa 
gone on so long is quite a miracle. . ■.- . . r 

We have ourselves been to visit the clock twice wiihm twcMj-lour 
hours, and we were glad to (ind he had come round completely. We are 
happy to hear that the Greahain Comnattee hare set a waioli upon the 
Clock, and that Mil. Dent, the pliysician. is directed to "look np 
now and then through a glass sky -lighv, in order to sec wUet.ber U 
Ecrvicea may be required. 



Bailway Punctuation. 

Theue is nothing that has so little punctuality about Haa railway 
punciuAtiou, a truth of which every line ol BaADsnAw's (Ji^iatf furnishes 
frequent instances. The other day. on the North Kent, the tnun was 
out in its punctuation, and was brought to d dead btond-atdl from a 
deliciency of steam power, or in other words, it came to a lull stop tor 
want of a coal-on. There were several notes of exclamation and inter- 
rogation from the passengt-rs ; but the guard could not or would 
exphiia the cause of the full stop, which so much curtailed Uto 
comma-dation of the passengers. 



II 



top tor 

inter- 

Id not 

m 



FEARroL Inundation.— The most ruinous inundation, and Ilia 
largest destruction of property that has occurred for some Imie, has 
boeo occasioned within the lust year or two by the Hudson having 
overflowed its own banks, and exhausted nearly everybody else seoaen. 




THE FREE-TRADER'S VALENTINE. 



COBDEN. 

LoTBur maiden looL not ihjt Turn not angrily away ; 

Kindly unto me indiuc: Peftce uid plenty shall be tbino, 

I can pive you reasons vliy If you will but sweetly eny 

You &liOuld bo my Valenliae, You vill be my Valentine. 



AGRICULTURE. 



M 



Ov yonr wordi 1 will rely, I '11 to bouachold wants attend. 

Nor for ooid Proteotiou pme ; All good things in mc oombU 

Ita forebodings I defy, Mutton, beef, and beer I'll «« 

You shall be my Valentine. To my failiiful Valentine- 



PUNCH. OB THE LONDON CHAMVARL 



67 



SCENES FEOM THE LIFE OP AN UNPEOTECTEL 
FEMALE, 

Mb. JoHXa ia* a library frteiid, Gbidbles, icAo haa a Comedy hroughi 
imi, and hat ** Idl Mb. JovBa'a name " for a private box on the 
eccation. Ms. Jonks ^u persuaded ike Unprotected Feuale to 
aeeompan^ him. The IfNpaoTECTBD Female m vnder the impranon 
that Jones ka» gallantly paid for ike box^ and Jones u under the 
imprenion that m need not dUabuse her of suck notion. 

SCBVE. Outtide t^ike Theatre, viti the veual scene of contrary behaviour 
on the part if the vehicles, their hontt, and drivers. The Unpeotec- 
TEB Feualk is in great terror by the side qf "}&.%, Jokes. 

Onbman {outside). Yah— StoopM— now then— where are you ashovin' 
to P— [Politeness forbids our following this " interpellation ** further. 
Unprotected Female {shudders). What dreadful UsRuage 1 
Mr. Jones. Disgusting ! {Chivalrously.) I mast suence these nifilaiis. 
iHahes a violent attempt on tkefroiU unndow c/* the Cab, and hat hit 
hoi crushed several timet in the untuceestful ^ort to open it. 
Unprotected Female {admiriaa his energy, hut dreading the contegueneet). 
Ob, pray don't mind it, M&. Jones, for my sake— I don't care— indeed 
I dQn*l--<^ fresh interchange qf foul-mouthed repartee among the cabmen, 
&oO Oh— It 's dreadful ! 

BiU-Seller {ftppearing and disappearing at the cab window). Bill of 
the play, Maam— Bill of ihe play. Sir— only a penny— 
Jonet {sternly). No, woman, we don't want one. 
Unproteeted Female. Oh— she '11 be crushed ! 
Bill-Seller {reappears). Bill of the play. Ma'am— 
Unprotected Female {in horror). Oh, gracious, she's got a baby— and 
an aruifull of play-bills, and a basket of oranges. 
Jones {still more sternly). Go away, do, woman, we don't want one. 
[During all this time, the cab not been performing a seriet qf sticks, 
jolts, bumps, curoels, sudden pulls up, sudden starlings forward, 
grindings of the curbstone, ^c.,&'c^ ^c, to the grieoous discom- 
posure of ihe XJNPiOTECTED Femalb, whose only confort it 
Mh. Jones. Bis conduct it firm and dignified. Cab stops. 
Unprotected Female. Thank goodness. 
Mr, Jones {jumping gallantly out). Now. my dear Madam. 
[UMPaOTECTED Femalx, who really looks very well, dretted for the 
play, scuds under the portico* Jones pays something, and 
follows her. 
Cabman i following him). Hollo — wot's this? {Gating helpleuly and 
ignorantlyaiJdv^Sos^i'aeighteen-pence.) 'Ere— yoa— [-^Ki^ Jones. 
Jones {in a withering manner). Go about your business, — you black- 
guard ! 
Umroteeted Female. Oh— dear — please — 

Cabman. Two bob 's t he fare, ana it ort to be arf-a-crowu for a female ! 
Unprotected Female. Oh, give it him — please— do anything — 
[A small crowd of Hnkmen, orange girls, ^c-j §rc., has gathered, and 
enioys the conversation. 
Jones {who cannot bear to be imposed on). Why, you scoundrel, it 's 
within the mile and a half. 

Cabman. Pay me my fare, will yer P— you calls yourself a gentleman — 

yah— you calls her a lady— I dessay. {Sticks his tongue im hit ekeek. 

Jones {pausing for words to express his wrath). Oh, you — by JoVE — 

Unprotected Female {clasping his arm passionately). Oh— please — pay 
him. Ob — ijlease. 
Jones{feeiing his helplestness). Ob, you blackguard. I '11 — 

IPays him, in the most awful state of mind. 
[Cab1£an winks at the group of listeners, remounts his box, and drives 
off amidst general approbation. M&. Jones guides ihe Unpeo- 
TECTED r^VALB ihto the House. Having beeen accustomed to 
pay to the fit, he has a very vague notion where to apply for his 
Box. He passes the Money-Iaksk. 
Money-Taker. Hollo! here— now, you Sir! 

Jonet {in a haughty and arittociatie manner). Oh 1 it's a private box. 
Money'Taker. Show yoat ticket. 

Jones {with some hsmiliation). Oh I I've no tjoket. My name 's left. 

Money-Xnker {sutpidoutly). Oh.—wait. Here ! {Calls.) Boxkeeper ! 

Unproteeted Female {shrinking into a comer, and feeling that she and 

Mk. Jones are rank impostors). Oh, gracious 1 1 thought you had a 

ticket? 

Jonet. Ob no 1 my name 's left. It 's all the same. Confound it 1 
Where 's the Box-keeper P 

Money-Taker {having lotf all respect for Ma. Jones and hit party). 
Stand back, Mann. Sir, you musn't block up the way — 

Unprotected Female {suddenly mshing she had not come). Oh 1 really, 
Mb. Jones- [Box-Kbepeb arrivet with hit list. 

Money-Taker {pointing to Jones). Now ! 
^Mf . M&. Jones's box P Ify name 's left for a box. 
JBo S ' J Ctep e r {examining kit litf). No such name on the list. 

[JoNU ttandt coi^finmM, 



UttproUctfd Femah. Oh ! please— Had'nt we better pay or go back- 
er souiethinff. Oli, why did you ? — And where 's your aunt, and your 
brotberin-law. Smith, and the rest of the pwty that was to nave 
ujetua? Oh! really — 

JoHis {in itfjjeci eatfution). Oh, it 's very annoying-hut couldn't I 
^te somebody P 1% Mr. Guddles in the house P X must see Ms. 

Bcj^Afefier. He 'e not here. He '11 be behind. 

Jojie.9: Oh I which is the way behind? I'U go — 

Bcx-Kefper {eontemptuously). You go out again, and then round the 
corner— fourth door. [Jones it rushing ^, 

bttprotected Feiaate. But I'm not to be left here, in this way, and all 
ihe people froini^ in and out. Oh, really — 

Jones {fooihingly]. For one minute— my dear— madam, only a minute. 

[fie abandons her. 

Unprotected Ffmale, Oh, I 'm sure if I 'd known, I 'd never— {J party 
entfts.) Oh, if any body comes that knows me, what will they think P 

„, , . , iWnter another party, 

Nderljf Gentteman. Mb, Smith's box. 

Unprotected Female {with sudden conviction). Oh, that must be bis 
brothfrin-law, Smith. 0\l— {Seising the EukiBLT GxNTUtifAN's arm) 
la it Mk. Joi^isa'a Mil. Smith? 

Eidirljf Genii man [much ttaggered). Sh— hollo! what? 

Eiderly Gt«ilman*s Wife {muck seandaHted). la the woman drunk ? 

Unprotected temale. Oh, please, is it Mb. Jones's brother-in-law— 
because we expected you, and he's gone, somewhere— I'm sure I 
dou't know anyliiing &bout it— but I'm loft. Oh, arc you Mb. Jones's 
Mh. Smith P 

J^fderly GetUteman {very savagely). No, I'm not anybody's Mb. Smith. 

Elderly Gentkmsn'i Wife {very much amaud). Mb. Jones's Mb. 
Smith, mdsed ! 

[They stpeep on into the Theatre, leaving the XJnpbotected Female 
in CDfifiition and abandonment. 

Re-enter Jomss, radiant. 
Jones. Here it is— here 's the ordei^--all right 1 've seen Gbiddles. 
[TJnfroti:ctei> Fxmalb. too glad to find any protection, followt 
Jones without remonttranee. 
Boat-Keeper {cer^ iovd), Gbiddias' party ! 

Unprotected Female [disgutted at being called Gbiddles* /wrr^y). Oh, 
really ^TAe^ are rottducted up seoeraljliohls qf stairs: the Unpbotectei* 
Fjcjialk Khose respect for JoKES and hersef diminithes with every JHght.) 
Uh, Mb. Jones, hre we going to the gallery ? 

[Joy^s (*pAy has not yet recovered himtelf from the combined effectt <^ 

the Cabm^h and the Monet Takee, doet not trust himtelf to reply. 

[SciiNE chavges (o the box, which it on the tvpiier, very small— very 

dirty, Jusi over a lustre, and commands a view of only one-eighth 

^ the stagef and the crowns of the actors* heads within that 

limited area, 

Box-Keecer {shtMing in Mb. Jones and the Unpuotected Femaia). 
Want «b4 Sir? 

Uftproteried Female {innocently taking one). Thank yon. Sir. 
Box-Keeper {ftHsuenng an imaginary question as to the price). What 
you piva^, Ma'am. 

Unprotected Female (timidly). There 's apenny. ICffers one. 

Box Keeper (with unutterable disgust, to Jones). What yo« please, Sir. 
Jtmes {suddenly letting loose his pent-up wrath). Go to the devil. 

[Hurls the bill at him. 
Box Keeper {Lelween hit teeth). Nice — private-box — company ! 
Unproteded Female {with a sudden desire to cry, and a sense qfpn^ound 
sef-contempt). Oh— really— and Where's your aunt, and your Mb. 
Smith's pwty F 

Jonet {in an under tone, andwith a sudden desire to precipitate hsmtetf 
into ike Fit}. 'Drat it all ! I don't know. 

******** 
[A lapse of three hours of a profoundly stupid and thoroughly legi- 
fim&te Gjtaedp ff Gbiddles'. The green curtain falls, audioes 
Mb. Jones and the Unprotected Female intensely wretched. 
[Scene chat^ges fo the outside qf the Theatre. The usual clashing, 
curting, cutting in and cutting out. The Ukpbotictsd FEMALE 
stands in horror. 
TAnksian. Now, itsiy lad v— call yer ladyship's coach P Don't I know 
yer noble husband— now? 
Jones {in a it^itiorian voice), Mb. Jones's cab. 
Linkman {echoing). Mb. Jones's cab. 
1.^^ CaOman. TUo Gont 'ailed me. 
2>i^ Cabman. No ; it was me you took off the rank. 
[ Both Cabmen, l^r the tnnr. and make preparationt for ftyhlinr 
Mr. Jones and each other. 
Unprotected FfmnU {in utter despair). Oh ! please, either of you. 
Jones iopetting a door <(f Cab No. 8). In here. 
{Thrmtt Uhfbotbczu) FnuLB m, and it preparinQ to follow her, 
when he it seitedtm Cabmam No. 1, while Uabkav Na ft hmgi 
tyn to the window frame, and Scm elotm on the TnHaast, 



63 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




Btirothtd (%Bho docn not danet the Polka). "I siioitt.D like to punch 

HIS HEAD— A CONCEITED BEAST." 



MR. HORSMAN'S ANATOMY. 

An interesliog dissection and demonstration of an Organised Humbug 
WM made last week by Mk. Mobsman, in the Hall of St. Stephena' 
Legialative Society. The Humbug in question is called the Ecclesias- 
tical Commission. Its organisation consists of certain Bishops, com- 
bined with some laymen, distioguisbed and undistinguished, of the 
Church of England : and formerly included a Becretarv, o( whom the 
best that can be said at present is, non est inventus. Ihe design of its 
formation was to provide for spiriiual destitution ; instead of which it 
baa been employing itself cliieny in building palaces for Bishops. With 
a large remainder of the funds of the concern that were not thus mis- 
applied, the Secretary bolted. Nobody knows where he is; nor does 
it appear that Mr. Damiel Fokrester, or any other such pursuivant, 
has oeen commisBioned to find out. Happy Secretary, in not having 
been a foreman that absconded with the contents of hia employer's till, 
and was had up at the Central Criminal Court, and sentenced to seven 
years transportation ! Finis coronal opus. With such a career, such a 
secretary, and such a consummation, is not the Ecclesiastical Commis- 
sion, a regular Humbug, a thorough Humbug, a Humbug from 
beginning to end ? 



Our Foreign Feuds. 

Snubbed as we are by Spain, slighted by Austria, at odds with 
Greece, and barely on speaking terms with the world at large, unless 
some very great improvement takes place in our foreign relations, and 
provided — ^to borrow a word or two from Mr. Carlyle,— the next 
Speech from the Throne is not to be a Sham-Speech concocted by a 
Fnantasm- Cabinet J the passage in it alluding to the assurances, &c., 
received from foreign Powers, will run somewhat thus : — 

" I eontinufl to rMelve fmra almost all foreign States aod Sovereigns the mo«t nn- 
•qpilTOGAl maniteitatlona of diireipect and resentment." 



THE THOUGHTS OF A SILENT MEMBER. 

I TUINK it is absurd quarrellinj^ ; and so by remaining silent, i 
keep my friends and make no enemies. If you wish never to quarrel, 
[ know of no surer plan than never opening your mouth. 

I think quarrels in the House only bring disrepute upon it. It is 
like a matrimonial squabble in the street. A large crowd collecta, 
cheer?, shouts, urges both parties on, and laughs at them all the while. 
Not a person troubles liimself about the cause of the row. It is a 
source of amusement to them ; and they are perfectljr indifferent which 
side is right, or which is wron^. It is the same with our squabbles. 
The nation does not care one lot about them, further than the little 
unusement it gets out of tuem. Depend upon it we are only 
laughed at. 

i think, however, that when we do quarrel — when we regularly make 
a night of it — that strangers should be ordered to withdraw. It is bad 
enough quarrelling ; but I consider it fifty times worse letting all the 
irorld into the secret. If we do make fools or blackguards of our- 
selves, there is no necessity why everybody should know it. Why 
cannot we quarrel peaceably, quietly, amongst ourselves? As for the 
reporters, they make half tlie mischief. If they hear anything bad, 
delicacy should teach them not to say anything about it ; I wonder they 
ure not tired of circulating so many evil reports. 

X think I would not be Prime Minister for all the world. What with 
the sharp work, and the immense grinding, it strikes me as the life of a 
continuEtl grindstone, which must wear out tlie stoutest blade in no time. 
No onmibus horse is harder worked, and worse whipped, or more severely 
pulled up when he makes a stumble. Besides, he gets no thanlu, ex- 
cepting when he goes out ; I know I should earn my small portion of 
thanks as soon as I could, for I should look upon myself as an unfortu- 
nate man who had fallen into the ice, and that I should'nt feel comfort- 
able till I had got myself well out of it. I do not think there is much 
chance of my ever being Prime Minister, but to avoid accidents, I shall 
not try. I think Lord John knows me better than to suspect I would 
take any mean advantage of him. 



JOCULAR LONGEVITY. 

QUE extraordinary instances of longevity in 
the regions of facetiae are upon record, 
but we rfc >llect nothing in the annals of 
the venerable which comes up to the follow- 
ing : — There are still living in a burlesque, 
which shall be nameless, sii puns whose 
united ages amount to 425 years. The 
whole of the puns may be seen every even- 
ing in a state of tolerable activity, with no 
other signs of decay but a shortness of 
breath, which creates a necessity for the 
omission of the letter H in cases requiring 
aspiration. Three of the aged puns were 
familiars of Old Joe Miller, and one of 
them boasts that be has assisted at every 
performance of every burlesque that liaa 
ever been written. We are happy to tee 
that the venerable character of tne puna 
causes them to be treated with respect Vy 
the public, who never smile even at their 
infirmities. One of the puns boaats of 
being on the best terms with several 

members of Parliament, Judges, and other dignitaries, who have always 

a good word or a bon mot to say for him. 




Lord Falherston's broils are indeed pretty dishes 
the Queen." 



to set before 



Much of a MucHinsss. — Since the recent disclosures of gross 
falsehood practised b^ Bailway Boards, the term "lie direct" has 
been amplified into "lie directory." 



WIT AND WISDOM IN THE HOUSE OF LORDS. 

" SAriEXZA," gentlemen of the rural districts, is Italian for wisdom. 
It is also the name of an island concerned in the squabble between our 
Government and Greece. Now, you will be enabled to perceiye the 
force of the subjoined remark which the Earl op Aberdeen, com- 
menting on Admiral Parker's demonstration at Athens, is reported 
to have made in the House of Lords. His Lordship 

" Did not mwin to deny that It might be better for oar Government to be In poaMfMtloit 
of Sapienza ; but even wlidom onght only to ba obtained by legitimate meana." 

This is a rather vivid flash of that mild merriment that is wont to lefc 
the Peers in a titter. A faint coruscation shows brightly in n dark 
place. LoBD Abekdeen is a " wit among Lords " and a pretty ree- 
pectable commoner among wi^a. It is a pity that he did not go on 
while he was in the vein, and say that Lord PALVEBflTON wia K lea 
in the Pir»ua, or would get into a mess by meddling with Greeoe. 
Indeed, our foreign policy in f^eneral is so absurd in itself, that tha 
noble Lord might, without any impropriety, have turned all its poiiita 
into pons, and converted every one of its questions into oonundmiia. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



69 




" AN APPEAL TO THE ARISTOCRACY." 

We h&te treason — even the 
treason of ihe SerT»*nt8' 
Hall.orButler'8P«utry; 
hence, we must express 
our most devaatafin^ 
contempt of the princi- 
ple that has put a goose- 
quill into the traitor- 
ous hand of an individual 
who has vritien and 
published a pamphlet 
called — 

"Jn Appeal to the Ari$' 
torracjf, the Upper and 
Middling Classes of So- 
Hetjf, to Remedy ihe Ex- 
isliNg Eoils Regarding 
London Servants." 

The writer is an Ei-Footman, a Retired Jenwss ; a traitor who has 
ahed his ploshas a viper casts its skin, and is now exultant tnsms 
viribus—, or, to take a free translation, ia now strutting in plwn 
clothi 8. There is no name to the pamphlet ; but the whole et^le of the 
thing crawls with the obsequiousness of the most obsequious liveryman. 
Every line smells of the JEHKiwaoNiAN hair-powder. However, to give 
our reader a whiff of the fellow's quality. Having knocked off the 
House Steward, or Butler.— the Head Groom or Stud Groom, the 
Trainer, orRjscing Groom— all of whom, he, one and severallr. shows to 
be worthy of no other livery tbau the Woolwich pepper-and-salt, 
turned up with iron ornaments at the ankles : after these, the ex-plush 
ruffian comes to "Ladies' Maids." And here he begins by a warning 
to all English mistresses. He says — 

<' r am obliged to beUerv, In addittoD to tfaeM qiuliflcatloiu. that, taking them, 
Pitdles' maldiJgeneralljruBelAU, they are alao not tho most moral in the world. 
There is one I vonld e^>eciaU7 extend to your noUce to avoid— It Is * the your.g and 
preUj/ uomoN, recommended /rim tJu eotmfry as a perfect treasure, to utdike those horrid 
I^ondon Maids:' this is ft most dangerous intruder . . . But, as I said before, we 
must not cIrh them all alike ; at any rate, ' the treasure from the antntry, so unlike those 
horrid London Maids,' Is beat avoided. Indeed, I would much recou.mend " 

Whaf, fair ladies, think ye? What would this traitorous Jenkins, 
this fellow who. found out in bis worthlessness, has evidently been cast 
off by some honest English girl,— what does this yellow-plushhearted 
varlet recommend P— Listen :— 

*' Indeed, I would much recommend in thU particular department, the services o/our 
FVeneh nfighbovrs : there is, rest assured, to all ladles, Botnethiug no much more pleaBing, 
added to * willinff, light-bearted, satis/sctory (lulckneas and iatelligence in thclrcnlliii^, 
which is a sort of second nature in them, bo far preferaUe to tlie comparative slow 
moTcmeots and inordinate presumptloa and vaaity of our countiy women." 

And yet, there may be gratitude in this paltry, unpatriotic Jenkins 
The Koman twins were suckled by a wolf. The wnter of the above, 
was, no doubt, wet-nursed by a French poodle. 

And what the fellow's remedy for the evils abounding in English 
servants P How would he abolish English Ladies' Maids, casting them, 
no matter to what destitution, to what misery, in favour of the " willing, 
light-hearted, satisfactory " services of our French neighbours ? Why, 
he puts the remedy in the way of a question, and asks^ 

" Csn anything bo .more easy, or any course mora simple, than the calling together a 
meeting of some of the bigtieHt and wealthiest of our aristocracy and higher clasies, 
during the time of tho Mason in London and Hittlngs of our Houses of Legislature, 
when they are most likely to be In nnmbers on the spot." 

And there and then to obtain a pledge from them— 

" That they win forthwith, flrom that time forward, aend fortheir house stewards, one 
and aU, and briefly state their fixed and unalterable determination, in consequence of 
the change of times, to discharge all those of their domestic establishment that will 
not nerve them at a reduced rate of twenty-five per cent, in all descripUons of wageo, 
■abaiatenee moneys, and the Uke." 

All the English Ladies' Maids of "comparative slow movements and 
inordinate presumption," being cashiered, no matter to what destiny, in 
favour of the " willing, light-hearted," Ladiea* Maids of France. 

JPuneh, it may be supposcii, ia no friend to impressment ; but with a 
view to a proper rewarii being vouchsafed to the ex-pantry writer of the 
*' Appeal, PuHfik would propose that the traitor be immediately sought 
for and seized, and kept in safe keeping, until a certain ship be said 
to sail for Van Dieman's Land : the ship that shall bear from our 
coast hundreds of bAlT-Btsrved, broken-apirited Englishwomen. On 
board this ship, let the writrr bave a special ^pointment; namely, 
an appointment for the wiiole cf tJie vcyagf, tot to open his mouth 
to a female passenger, and ooutinually to wring swabs in the ship's 



THE WORST or TAXES. 

Suppose, readers, that there existed a tax upon water, which, in' iti 
operation, compelled the poorer classes to slake their thirst at cess- 
pi)ols ; to drink sewagr, and mere sewage, qualified " with no allaying 
Thames." 

Such a fax there is, which renders Aving water— the knowledges of 
good and truth— dear, and so withholds tbem from the many ; whom it 
drives to s«ili aboniinable slush, replete with ail manner of pollution. 

That tax is the lax on paper. For a full view of its workings, see 
Mil. Chaklss Kmoht*s remarks on " The Struggles of a Book against 
Excessive Taxation." 

M&. Knight shows that, by reason of this impost, cheap and good 
publicatioDs do not pay ; whilst the cheap and nasty, weekly venled in 
myriads by Ihe scoundrelhood of the Press, are remunerative, llie 
former cla*8 of works he typifies— we thank him for the use of the 
figure— as the Fountain \ the latter as the Sewer; and he aives an 
estimate of the comparative cost of their production. The Fountain 
can only be set up at a considerable expense, both in materials and 
architects' «ages. The Sewer is established at small charge, and fed 
by scavengers, for scavengera' hire. The Sewer can be turned on, at a 
low rate, with profit ; the Fountain— in consequence of the Paper-tax— 
not. Take off the Paper Tax, and the Fountain can compete with the 
Sewer. If farther reason is wanted for the removal of this Protection 
to Literary Filth, let Government ponder the foUowiug words of Mk. 
Knight :— 

'' upon a tolrrmbly accurate calculation, I hare, from my own unaided reaouroea. 
expended during ttiu laxt twenty years, eighty thousand pound.i upon copyright ana 
editorial labonr. During the same period 1 have paid fifty thousand pounds paper duty, 
which sum has become a double charge to me by the inevitable operation of a tax upon 
raw material. May I venture to ask what, during these twenty years, tlte Oovemmeat 
baa done for the encouragement of learning and literature, equal to the sum wtiicli it lias 
exacted trtxa me in the shape of a tax upon knowledge f " 

Mr. Knigut ought lot to lose his investment. Some few crumbs, 
at le^st, of the bread which he has cast upon the waters should be 
restored to him. He asks not a pension, but the repeal of the Paper 
Tax. Grant it, mv Lords and Gentlemen, and if good instruction has 
the effect it is said to have, the amount will soon be saved in prison 
exprnses. Bo an act of justice to Mr. Knight, and remove a prohi- 
' birory duty on wholesome beverages, and a bonus on the sale of poison. 



A MINISTER IS INFALLIBLE! 

Lord Jobn Kussell saiil, last week. " A Cabinet Minister cannot 
be sorrv for his expressions." The old fable was, "A King can do no 
wrong. The new one apparently is, "A Cabinet Minis' er can say 
nothing wrouf" At Least, however wrong he may talk, he need not 
be sorrr for it. This is a Utitude of speech which none but a Minister 
can itidiiUe in. He may advance what he likes, but will withdraw no- 
thing. This J8 another reading of Finality, an expression, which, if we 
remember right, Lord John una had occasion more Ihnu once to be 
aorry for. Sinrr LoRD John has a taste for curious dogmas, the 
folbviDg U perfec'ly at his service: 

" The Minister who is never sorry for his expressions, makes at best, 
but a sorry Minister." 



Bailway Sipaals. 

We dare say that out of the various Railwav Signals that have been 
invented by ingenious enthusiasts, we should nnd many signal failures, 
but we are not quite prepared to go the length of the Railway au ho- 
rities in rejecting all other plans, and declaring that the break is a 
sufficient means of communication between the guard and the engine- 
driver, pariicuiarly when we recollect that the " break " is usu^ly one 
affecting the armp, legs, and beads of the passengers. 

" VouB en avez Henti " 

The French papers of last week tell us that the above words, uttered 
in the Chamber by M. Leo Be la Borde^ "caused a great sensation." 
We cannot but wonder at this. Considering that the courtesy is fiung 
at somebody's head about once a week, it only shows that, the Frencli 
at least, «re not " a people of babit." 

aN OLD question settled at last. 

Who is Miles* Boy ? 

Mr. Hanvard. Mr. Bonomi, and Mr. Brees, are clearly "Three 
Miles' Boys" Irom the fact of their Panoramas all running that 
distance. 

Thb Extreme of Protbctiok.— There is a great fitness of things 
in Lord Johm Manners' standing for Colchester ; for his Lordship 
ia so thorough a Protectionist, that, no doubt, he is prepared to Toie 
for Protection to Native Oysters. 



I 



7e 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 




SAILORS ON SHORE CAROUSING— AS IT WILL BE WHEN THK GROG IS STOPPED. 



NOTHING LIKE GROG. 

(fit\D Version.) 

[A CoHXiTTBE ol flag officers and captains, witli Adhjkal Sm Dtam Mabtin in the 
cbur, is nnir sitting at the Admiralty, to pronounce on the expediency of reducing tlin 
nrCMnt allowaiic*; of groR wliich is djiily RcrveU out to tbti seamen of Ukr Majkstv's 
Navy, a fair compensation being made to them by n proportionate Increase in tlie nmonnt 
of their pay . . . It is a notorious fact that the majority of punlnhmenta which take 
place in tlie British Navy, ai-o eitlier directly or indirectly the result of dmnlcenne^s; 
and the transition from the " chferful can " to the cut of nine tails, js but too freqiu-Dlly 
a consoquenoe of the Incvitablo laws of cauM and effect.— Times. "] 

Avast ! how degenVa'e the aire is ! 

What lubbers we soon sliall become ! 
They talk of increasin* our wages. 

And low'rin* our Mowancc of mm. 
Time wag. we Jack Tabs— when we twigg'd it— 

Perferr*d liquor to pay or to proff, 
And Ben Brack, and Jack Ratlin-, 

Bill Mizbn, Kit Catlin, 

And Bunting, and Bowling, 

Like porpoises rollinfr, 

Contiayally swigg'd it : 
And, dear me ! there 'a nothing like grog. 

Of my pay I had spent mv Ust guinea, 

And gone was the whole of my wealth ; 
Says the Doctor, " Jack ! don't be a ninny, 

And drink out both money and health." 
To the leeward I lurch'd— and he twigg'd it— 

And callM me a sad drunken dog. 
And he blister'd and bled me, 

On washy slops fed me. 

And bade them to shave me» 

And physic he gave me. 

Such stuff! — And I swifcg'd it ! 
But, dear me ! 'twas nothing like grog. 



The Chaplain one Sunday was preachin* 

A sermon as dry as old junk. 
And me and my messmates was teachin,* 

As how we should never get drunk : 
But I show'd him the can— and he twigg'd it— 

And saw I was drunk as a hog. 
When tipsy, for scorning 

His Rev rence, next morning 

I had ten dozen lashes, 

And my back was in gaslies ; 

And ail 'cause I swigg'd it : 
And, dear me ! there 's nothing like grog. 

Believe me, there 's no way like drinking, 

To lead you to tliat side the grave ; 
It disables tiie wisest from thinking, 

And to Iremblc it makes e'en tlifi brave. 
As for me — I suppose you have twigg'd it — 

From perpetyalfy gettin* agog, 
Never mind what the weather. 

For whole months together,— 

}Iere 's mv hand all a-quiver. 

And I've oumt up my liver, 

So hard hare I swigg'd it; 
But, dear me I there's nothing like grog. 




PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 




71 



A RUN OF BAD LUCK. 

The Red Kepublicana made a futile effort a week or two ago to 
diiturb the peace of Parii, when the aoldiers, laudably anxious to avoid 
bloodibed, took the hint of thetr commaniler to diiiperM the mob et 
tht point of the toe, Lnatead of at the point of the bayonet. We wish 
we could look upon the little affair as literally the last kick of the Red 
Republicans. The method adopted by the miiitary was perfectly sno- 
cessfuJ, for the soldiera no sooner took to their toea, than ** the Red*** 
took to their heels with wonderful rapidity. The fugitives, who had 
juH before been assuming an alarming attitude, were at once rendered 
ridioutou5, eTon in the eyes of the wouieu of their own party, and wi!l 
no doubt remember for some time their collision with a detachment of 
foot, and its ignoble consequences. We daxe say they will attempt to 
make out— after the fashion of their own historians — that they suffered 
uo discomfiture at all, and that it was nothing bat their own tremendous 
enthusiasm that ran away wiih them. 



T having struck, 

and at the same 

time, the conge- 
nial minds of 

several individu- 
als, that, society 

19 divided into 

classes, namely, 

the Class that 

is honoured and 

enriched with 

pieces of plate, in 

the wayorTesti- 

nioniai, and the 

Class tliat is 

not, — 

The marked in- 
justice, the social 

discrepancr, is 

sought to be re- 
medied and set 

atraiRht by the 

establishment (in 

confidence) of 

A Piece-of-Plato 

Club that shall 

at once be Self- 
Fresentinilf and Setf-Supportinf . With thisView it is thought desirable 
that a Society be forniea, to l>e composed of a certain number of indi- 
viduals, who, having no expectation that their Merita and Virtues, 
though intimately well known, and equalhr well appreciated, will be 
represented to them in so many ounces of gold, litver-giU, or modest 
silver, by Others, — I 

Are neverlheless desiroua to pay some slight mark (in the way ofj 
Goldsmiths' TTall Mark) of esteem and veneration to Themaelves. | 

Aiid thus much for the sentiment, the philoBopliy, and the iEsthettca 
of the Club under consideration. It is now high time to proceed to 
the most eQlcient means of its practical development. 

It is proposed that the Clun shall consist of at least not less than 
[ ] Members. That subscnptiona shall be paid woekir, mon'hly, 
or quarterly ; tlie subscriptions being of any amount from One Shilling 
to One Hundred Pounds, according to the Value of the Testimonial, 
that is the Laudable Object of Ambition to the Subscriber. 

That Once a Month, a DrawiuR shall take place of the Names of 
Memben {the nvmbtr to be hermfti^ dtvidcd upon) to be duly Plsled. 
That the Members so Drawn shall have immediate permission to 
decide upon the Tes'imonial to be by Themselves presented to Them- 
selves, on givicfr Sufficient Security to the Club for the payment of the 
Silversmith's Bill (by paying it) for the Object of the Selected. That 
Everjr Member— ss best knowing Himself— shall write his Own 
Inscription, recording his Own Virtues, and hallowing his Own 
Merits. 

Thus, after the Establishmantof The Self Pbxsbntatiok Piece-o?- 
Plats CLUU.it will be wholly attributable to the indolence or the poverty 
of every man if he have not upon his own Side-Board some llatlering 
Record of his Excellence, in the Sliapc of a Salvei^a Wine-Coolei^- 
a Bread Basket^ or an unassuming CelUret. 

Further Particulars of the Club will speedily appear in the Publio 
Prints. Thus much is, for the present, imparted, that it may beneficially 
work and ferment in the Public Intelfert. 

The Meditated Circle of the Club will be very Comprehensive, taking 
in All Classes of Men, from the Member of Parliament anxious to 
eternise, in a Candelabra, his Otm Sense of his Own Eloquence, and 
his Own Unwearied Watchfulness of Public Interest?, to the Paro- 
chial Beadle who, on a Small Silver Mur, would speak of his Fidelity. 
bis Civility, his Integrity to the Parish at Large, and bis Suavity ana 
Benevolence to Little Boys in Particular. 

N. B. To Husbaruls, desirous of Commemorating tJie Virtues of their 
Wives in at least a Silver Tea-Pot, the Club offers an (Opportunity of 
dispb^ing perhaps one of the most, if not the moet, noble Emotions of 
the Human Heart. 

«r Fltate to Qit€ nis Bopw io ike Lad$ qfthe House, 

High Waya and Low Waya. 

It may be cited as a melancholy instance of the niinoni effect of 

credit, that sereral turnpike trusts arc in a state of insolvency. It 

It is a cnrions fact in tbe gramnmr of politics that when statesmen mav Iw further observed, that the ticketing system, which has bean in 

get into place they become often oblivious of their antooedeals, but full force amongst all these coDcenu, most commonly leads to bank* 

are seldom forgetful of their relatives. I ruptcy. 




A TBCTU FOB TUB TIXES. 



THE LAND. 

Jh Echo (o Bany ConnoaiVt " &*i.'* 

Trk liand ! The Land ! The grumbling Land ! 

The poor, the always at a stand ; 

■Without a penny, without a pound. 

It tumeth the same dull circle round. 

It bray* fof" relief, for Proteciion cries, 

Or like a nauRhty creature lies. 

They 've got the Land ! They *ve got the Land ! 

But to help themselves won't lend a hand. 

With debts above, and debts below, 

And a mortgage wheresoeVr thev go. 

If a chance should come, while they wail and weep. 

What matter ! The Land will go to sleep. 

I hate, ob ! how I hate to bear 

Their murmurs foaming in my ear ! 

When sonin mad member bavs the moon, 

Or whistles Protection's dull old tune ; 

And tells how goeth the com bo low. 

That it really never will pay to grow. 
I never heard Protection's roar. 
But 1 saw the humbug more and more, 
And backwards flew to reason's test 
Whicti proves Free Trade to be the best. 
Por Free Trade aiwa^ appear'd to me 
The thing tbat 'a right, and that ought to be. 

The landlords look'd black, with rage and scorn. 

In the hour when fiir Free Trade was born- 

The noisy whistled — the Torips old 

Declared tbemselvea completely solid ; 

And never was heard sucli an outcry wild. 

As welcotned to life Peel's Free Trade child. 
We 'vc lived since then in calm and strife, 
A few short summer% an active life \ 
With wealth to barter and power to range, 
Where'er we can make the oest exchange. 
But alas ! there 's onl; the same dead stamL 
When we turn to look at the poor old Land! 



UUNCEB OF DOWNING STREET. 

MtNTsTEBs are at a loss what to do with the Ten Hours Factory 
Bill, which, owing to a defect in its wording, proves inoperative. For 
the present Ihey had better send it to the Dead Letter Office. Really, 
Parliament must have an Editor to prepare its acta for publication. 
His salary would cost the country but little, m a gentleman of moderata 
literary attainments would be competent to the employment. He would 
only he reciuired to poasess the ability to write the English languan 
correo'ly, an art, apparently, be;rond the reach of stslesmanahip. To 
create ciicb an office would be giving aome little encouragement to the 
profession of the Pen. What but faulty composition can be expected 
of a Government that neglects literature. 



Vou XVIIL— 185»\. 



Na» 'ifi^. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




Tub political galea which Imve recently act in have blowa no Kood to 
the poor old bull of Protection, which is now &o beftten ftbout that the 
miserable uralt can scarcely sastaiu the craftamaa who ootitinuea to 
adhere to it. The horizon cihibitB & verv dreary prospect, ahowine 
nolbing but a few unhappy ajrricultural %\u\i in the distance, who still 
hover over Die wreck, wmie the slupper, clinging desperately to an old 
looker — aa a drowning man catches at a straw,— waves in the air his 
signals of distress, and shouts to the winds bis vain lamentations, which 
even eoho disdains to aosver. 



NOOKS AND CORNERS OF CHARACTER. 



THE GREENGROCER WHO WAITS AT PARTIES. 

ABOtrr fire o'clock there is a quiet ring at the bell, labelled 
" Servants'." The next minute a pair of heavy feet are heard tramping 
along the hall. You look out, and see a huge mass of great coat^ 
carrjinR a big bundle in a colouied handkercliief. In one second it has 
dived down the kitchen slaircoac. It is tbc Greengrocer. 

Eioon afterwards the sound of feet is heard overhead. Tbe elegant 
figaxt of a man, with his hair curled, ia on the top of a pair of steps, 
arranging tbe chandeher. Uis costume would be of too stem a black- 
Deas, if it were not delicately softened by the purity of a white 
neckcloth. He glides over the soft carpet, making no sound, ssve a 
pleasant Jingle that is played after him by a waring bnnch of seals, like a 
peal of fairy bells. The extreme neatness of the pump, if nothmg else, 
would tell you that it is the Waiter. 

With the quickness of a pantomimic change, the Greengrocer has 
transformed himself into the Waiter. If he had stood at tbe side-wing 
of a tbealTP, and the carpenter from behind had pulled the string out of 
bis grral coat, the change could not have been effected quicker. And 
what a change ! It is hard to believe that the two individuals— the 
butterfly and the grub— have ipnug from tbe same body. You can 
scarcely imagine the flitterinff thing before you serves greens in the 
dayUime! 

What is it that refines him? How is it that, by flimply decorating 
his neck with a wisp of clean muslin, and winging hu feet with 
an aerial pair of pumps, the nature ot the Greengrocer is so com- 
pletely changed? We shall really believe that there is something 
spiritualiiiDg in the profession of a Waiter, and that a gentleman, to be 
a perfect gentleman, should put tbe last touch of polish to his education 
by going through a six months* course of rubbing mahogany tables. 

Look at the specimen before us ! An hour ago he was a hard, din^y, 
lump of a man. Uow bright he is now 1 He sparkles and burns wiih 
now fire, and that Promethean fire be has stolen from the kitchen- 
grate. Call on him to-morrow, Catch him behind his apron, and 
you will not recognise in tbe soiled bands that are playing at marbles 
with tbe potatoes, the Beau Brummel of the Berlins who heloed 
you so grscefully to blanc-mange the evening before. Or observe uim 



when he is on the front bar of » coTercd ran, whipping « jadwi while 
horse, with "eighteen insides," to Hampton Court. You would hardly 
believe that dusty-looking man with a short pipe in tbe comer of hia 
mouth was the same bright creature that only yesterday was playing 
about the room, like summer lightning, shedding a radiance wherem 
he darted in and out with his napkin. There is decidedly some TiviXymg 
charm, some magic reviver, that lies hid in the butler's pantry. 

But on no other could this charm act so ethereally, on no other wonld 
this reviver operate with such lustre, as on the (Greengrocer 1 It wodd 
be absurd to try it on the Batcher, and the Cbimney-Sweep would be 
CQually ridiculous. Tbe Milkman unfortunately knows nothmg of 
waiting, excepting at the area gate. Tbe Tailor wants anstocratic 
presence for the high office. The Baker, when asked for Bread, would 
hand you the loaf on the palm of his hand. The Ohresemonger would 
be tasting the cheese before he took it round, and the Postoian. if told 
to inform the gentleman that the " tea was waiting," would deliver the 
message with a tremendoua double knock. No ! the Patent to wait at 
parties has been exclusively lodged by Nature in the bosom of the 
Greengrocer. , ^ , , 

Besides, his good temper is a key to open every door and every 
heart. The waiter that is only laid on for a night, is always better 
tempered than the waiter who is a refular tlxture. The tender way 
m which the Greengrocer behaves to children would be a cheap lesson 
to many a big-calvcd Johnny, He never kicks them, or calls them 
" brats.^* He lets them pilfer tbe " sweets " as they come out, as much 
as they please, and if they get between his lega when he is carrying some 
mighty dome of a silver dish-cover, he mana^ somehow to bear up 
■gainst it, where any other servant would be violently upset. He is as 
ffiable below. He compliments the lady Vmwds, and jokes with the 
cook, helping her to unspit joints, and untie pudding-bags. There must 
be Bomething in the atmosphere of spring onions and summer cabbages, 
tha^ to contract a loan with the Latin grammar,— 
" emoIUt moTBi, nee flnil esM fenM." 

After the fatigues of the evening, his temper is as little ruffledai hia 
fine linen shirt. He helps on great coats, and fastens goloshes, with the 
most nimble readiness, and if you give him a shilling, be bidet hu 
emotion by turning away hia head. .,.,..- , • j- 

Then comes the washing-up, and then,— pauiful duty ! implying dis- 
trust, but wliich he cheerfully goes through— the counting " the plate.** 
After that he is free. The AVolter is cast off— the Greengrocer la 
himself again. Exit tbe butterfly, and enter the grub. 

He sits down to supper— and all the good thin^ you had at dinner 
are brought out for his meal. He has the choice of the best. The 
whole larder is spreiad on tbe kitchen-table before him. There is a largo 
tankard foaming with fresh beer. There are innumerable ghuses of 
wine, which he crilicisea, as he takes a sip of each. His opinion is 
greatly respected, for who tastes more wine in the course of his life 
than the Greengrocer who waits at parties P Tbe professed cook unbends 
to him, and drinks his health out of the pewter, for, independcnt'of hu 
being a man who pays taxes, ho is a talking directory of the whole neigh- 
bourhood. He is a great personsgc, for the Greengrocer, in addition to hu 
other duties, is a large purveyor of situations. Accordingly, if a servant 
widhea to " better him or herself," the Greengrocer is always tbe great 
oracle consulted. He knows tbe wages of the best housej. the moat 
becoming liveries, and the perquisites, and the strength of the beer, 
attached to each. He is a portable Servant's Bazaar.— a living column 
of ** Want Places,"— but without the usual stipulation on the top, 
" All Answers must be prepaid." . . „ .... 

Tbe Ust person in the honse u the Greengrocer. About eleven 
o'clock (we are supposinir it is a quiet dinner party) the same sound of 
heavy feet, or perhaps a little hi^avier. ia heard tramping along the hall. 
The same mats of great coat, above which now peeps a red comforter, 
is seen going out, carrying the same bundle in a coloured handkerchief. 
It may be that the bundle has grown a trifle larger, for in the fulness 
of his heart the Greengrocer has not forgotten he has a wife and family. 
In another minute tbe street-door is bolted. The Greengrocer haa 
gone home to smoke a pipe by his own llreaide. 



Beauties without Faint. 

The Picture Cleaning Mania has extended all the way to Holyrood, 
where tbe portraits have most of them been brought to the scrubbing 
brush, and are rapidly finding a soap and watery grave. The alle^d 
object of placing Ine pictures in the hands of the charwoman is to bnng 
out the colours, and the attempt is so far successful, for in these casea 
the colours are most thoroughly brought out, and cannot be brought m 
again. Nearly all the pictures we have seen, after their having under- 
gone the cleaning process, are remarkable for their similarity of subject, 
for they look the pictures of misery. 

"ova LaTsax" from bomx, 
Lettesa from Kome of the 6th instant announce the reinm of the 
Pope to his capital as dcflnitively fixed for tbe 1st of April 



1 



4 







I 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



73 




^f^t Hamrnta^Ir Italia)! 

or 

THE FOUNDLING OF SHOBEDITCH. 

/Vow tks Timei qfm. li. 

' "i - OKI all 70 GUnstiu 

people, and listen to 
my tail. 

It is all aoout a doctor 
vaa Inveliing by tlie 
rail. 

By the Heaatern Coun- 
tiea Railway (yich the 
tharet I don't desire), 

From Ixworlh town in 
SulTolk, vicb his name 
did not transpire. 

A travelling from Bury 
this Doctor was em- 
lojed 
1th a gestleman, a 
friend of his, vicb his 
name was Caita.!!! 
Lorn; 

Aiid on reaching Marks 
Tey StaMon. that is 
next beyond Colcbest' 

•er, a lady entered into 
tbem most elegantly 
dressed. 

She entered into the 
Carriage all with a 
tottering step. 
And a poo'y little Bayby 
upon her buaaiiui 
sfep; 

The gentlemen received her with kindneas and aiwillaty. 
Pitying this lady for her iilncsB aad debili&ty. 

8he had a fust class ticket, tliia lovely lady said. 
Bee&nae it wsa so lonesome the took a secknd instead. 
Better to travel by secknd class, than sit alone in the fust. 
And the pooty little Baby upon her breast she nuat. 

A Bcein of her cryin, and shiverin and pail, 

To her spoke this surpinr, the £ro of my tail ; 

Saysee you look unwell. Ma'am, I'll elp vou if I can, 

And you may teli your case to roe, for I m a meddicle man. 

" Thank you. Sir," the lady said, "T ony look so pale. 
Because I ain't accuatom'd to travelling on the RaJe ; 
I shall be better presnly, when I 've ad some rest : " 
And that pooty little Baby she squeegjd it to her breast. 

80 in conwersation the journey they beguiled, 

C^rrrN'o Loth and the medical man, and the lady and the child. 

Till the warioua stations along the line was passed. 

For tfta the Heastem Counties' trains must come in at last. 

When at Shoreditcb tumminos at lenth stoptied the traio. 
Thia kind meddicle gentleman proposed his aid again. 
** Thank vou. Sir," the lad;r said, *' for your kyindness dear ; 
My carriage and my osaea u probbibly come here. 

Will you old this baby, please, vilst I step and see ? ** 
The Doctor was a famly man : *' That I will." says he. 
Then the little child she kist, kiat it ^trj gently, 
Yich was sucking his little fist, sleeping innocently. 

With a sigh from her art, as though she would have bust it, 
Then she gave the doctor the child— wery kind he nust it : 
Hup then the lady jum^ted bofT the bench she sate from. 
Tumbled down the oarndge atepa and ran along the platform. 

Vile ball the other passengers vent upon their vayi, 
The Capting and the Doctor sate there in a maze; 
Some vent in a Homminibus, some voit in a Cab^, 
The Capting and the Doctor vaited vith the babby. 

There they sate looking queer, for an hour or more. 
But their feller paaainger neataer on 'em sore : 
Never, never, back again did that lady come 
To that pooty ileeping Hinfnt a suckm of bis Thum I 



What could this pore Doctor do, bein treated thus, 

When the darling Babv woke, cryin for its nnss ? 

Off be drove to a femaJe (hend, vioh she was both kind and ntild. 

And igsplained to her the circumstance of thia year little cfaUd. 

That kind lady took tlie child instantly in her lap. 

And made it very comforable bv giving it some pap ; 

And when she took its close off. what d* you think she found i* 

A couple of ten pun notes sewn up, in its littlo gownd ! 

Also in its little close, was a note which did conwey. 
That this little baby's parents lived in a handsome way : 
And for its Headucation they reglarly would pav. 
And sirtiofily like gentlefolks would obim I he child one day, 
U the Chriatian people who 'd chana of it would say, 
Per adwertisement in the Times, where the baby lay. 

Pity of this bayby many people took. 

It had such pooty ways and such a pootry look; 

And there came a lady formrd <l wish toat I could see 

Any kind lady u would do aa much for me ; 

And I wteh with all my art. aome night in n^ night gownd, 
I could find a note stitcbea for ten or twenty pound)— 
There came a lady forrard, that most honorable did aay. 
She'd adopt this little baby, which her parents caat 4«ay. 

While the Doctor pondered on thia hoffer fair, 
Comes a letter from Devonshire, from a party there, 
Hordering the Doctor, at its Mar's desire, 
To send the little Infant back to Devonshire. 

Lost in ^>op1exily, this pore meddicle man, 
Like a sensable gentleman^o the Juatice ran: 
Which bis name was Mb. Hamuill, a boooraole beak, 
That takes liia aeat in Worship Street four times a week. 

" Juatice ! " says the Doctor, " instmgt me what to do, 
1 've come up from the country, to throw myaelf on you \ 
Mv patients nave no doctor to tend them in their ills, 
Ciucre they are in Suffolk without their draffla and pdla !) 

" I 're come up from the country, to know how I '11 dispose 

Of this pore little babv, and the twenty pun note, and the clothes, 

Aod I want to go back to Suffolk, dear Justice, if you please, 

A nd my patients wants their Dootor.and theirDoctor wants his feez." 

Up spoke Mn. Hamuill. sittin at hia desk/ 

" This year application does me much perpleak ; 

What I do adwise you, is to leave this babby 

In the Parish where it wu left, by its mother shabby."^ 

The Doctor from bis Worship sadly did depart — 
He might have left tlie baby, but be hadn't got the heart. 
To go for to leave that Uinnocent, has the laws allowa. 
To the tender muuiea of the Union House. 

Mother, who left this little one on a stranger's knee, 

Think how cruel vou have been, and how good was he ! 

Think, if you *ve been guilty, innocent was she ; 

And do not take unkindly this little word of me -. 

Ileafen be merciful to us all, einnen aa we be ! X. 



HAPPY AND HUME-OROUS. 



It is not often that BfB. IIdkb indulgea in a joke — for he is eoo« 
nomical even of his wit — and he avoids humorous as well aa all other 
extravagance. He did, however, a few eveninrs ago indulge in a sally, 
which, though coming from the venerable Joseph, might have beoi 
mistaken for an " Old Jok," but which was rtally of a rather fresh 
and buoyant character. He rose for the purpose of moving for an 
address to Her Majesty, recommending the abolition of the Lord 
Lieutenant of Ireland, and at the same time gave notice of a motion 
proposing a drawback on bricks— the point evidently being thecoupling 
of tae Lord Lieutenant with bricks in g^eneral. Now the antecedents 
of the present Lord Lieutenant prove him to be a brick in the largest 
sense of the word, and henoe arieea the combination to which we nave 
thought ourselrea justified in profiling the epithet* " luppj nnd Hamc- 
arous." 

fX) BE DISPOSED OF.— A tmaXX Joko BusiaeMi dolD| fn/m lU to mtqh 

-i- Pnaa per lUy. The dlnser oMUMCtlon li guod, Ukd GMMibU Of laiplvraBieDt, vtih 
•tock of Uaen, and kmmUM modantv. No pioMMd 



Uk avwacs nock of nam, man kmmuw moaanw. 
■eai vn*T' T1** ww T P li oiuj pcrtod with In 
_ .. _ \By pBTiOO ' 

\j OooMba 



1 ponai 
or Um 



toto HxiCbar Ha*— tba Miiiir-«-Uii«. Anj 



rtttriu (km tbe Utur 



lir or pIcrpookM 
proprttlor yoli 



bATlBc on b*a4 ft few Am 8*rp«&u. wrlr tfooMbsrrlM, tfensaidi, or Earttwiukci, aot 



BOOb 



ttw 



won* for irstr, b*7 taow of % pimbAMr. 




s 

■ 

o 
'o 



1-^ 



o 

CO 

il4 



VS9P 




THE COLONIES. 

Downinff Street^ llomi and Colonial Tailortt 
Xarll* Attefitkm to U»ir Mav BTatein of ColonUI MeuuremtaL 




PUNCH, OR TH£ LONDON CHARITARL 




77 




WiTu jor and pride a parent sees 

His ehiloren climb about bis koeei; 

Pleated we regard tbe tiny elves. 

The little dittos of ourBelres ; 

It it a gratifviug aight 

To wiinesa their increaaicfr height. 

And mark, aa every father knows, 

Uow quickly they outgrow their clothcf. 

A change of garb, too, muit be bad, 

Soon as tbe child becomes a l&d ; 

We then select a manlier style 

Of clothing for the juvcoile. 

'IVitb tittle Bulls Johk Bull ia bleat, 

'Tia time tbiit they were rightlv drest ; 

KtJSSZLL AVD Co. will uodtrtake 

The requisite costume to make. 

Wilb needful meaaures duly squared, , 

To meet all wants they 're quite itrepared. 

Buita they provide for every agp, 

Of growth according to the stage, 



Adapted to each size and shape 
Cai 
Jamaica, Canada, Ceylon 



Tea ; from Australia to the Cape, 



Ru&fiULL invites to try them on ; 

Easy they 're warranted to si^ 

Full freedom to combine with fit. 

And elegance wiih what must be 

Kesislleaa — strict economyi 

In which all other firms compete 

In vain with Rl&sell'b, Downing Street. 

*•* Mtaturei to order, and a Nev {Blue) Book teili tioril^ bepublUh^d. 




UTSTERIOnS DISAPPEARANCE. 

o US there is oo greater marvel 
among tbe Mysteries of Lon- 
don, than what becomes of all 
the Clowns, Harlequins, and 
Pantaloons when the panto- 
mime season is over. For a 
few weeks at Christmas holi- 
day-time the metroDolis t^f ms 
with specimens of the c'ass 
alluded to, and ve £nd them 
bound together in a bond of 
brotherhood, united into a 
human wheel-barrow, piled up 
into a pyramid, or groping to- 

f ether through the Cave of 
)espair on every stage in Xion- 
den. Out of the pantomime 
season the race seemt to be- 
CQine extinct, and we never hear of a Clown, for even that remark- 
able Bpeoimen of humanity " a country Clown " ia fast fading away, 
and we scarcely ever read of a case of " clowniah ignorance." It is 
tme there may be a sprinkling of Clowns in tbe provinces and else- 
where, in the form of "Clowns to the'.ring" where horsemanship is 
going on, but even then there is an enormous surplus of Clowns wholly 
unaccounted for, and the Clowns to the ring can embrace but a very 
limited circle. 

As the London pantomimes are now coming to the close of their 
career, we would aslc what is to become of the Clowns that will be 
thrown upon the wide world^ together with the numerous pairs of 
Pantaloons and the accumulation of Harlequins who will have to ex- 
change the magic wand for far less enchanting vranderinn. We have 
Myloma for decayed everythings, and as nothing — except Stilton cheese 
—decays so fast as the gymnastic powers, why do we not hare an 
asylum for decayed Clowns. Pantaloons, and Harlequins P They are 
accustomed to a good deal oE buffeting about, but the severest blow of 
ftU must be, the stoppage which the withdrawal of the Pantomimea 
necessarily puts to tnose kicks which are the source of all their 
half-pence. 

RZABOK rOK BeUEVTVO a GENTLEMA.V WHO EA5 DUHOKOUXZD 

BI8 Bill.—** His word \m as good as his bond." 



THE GREAT DUNUP CONTRACTS. 

The commercial world has been a little startled, and the "city* 
taken somewhat by surprise, at Ihe announcement ot a novel class of 
contracts, which seem to offer peculiar advantrgea to one at least of the 
parties oooeemed. "Perhaps," says our commercial correapondentg 
' tbe matter may be better understood from the following advertise- 
ments, which have been handed about during the last week on 'Cbaoge, 
tboogh they have not yet formed the basis of any poaitive transact. iona. 
We quote one or two specimens of the announcements alluded to." 

"Me. Dnsvp is now prepared to receive tenders for tbe supply of 
meat, fuel, and cigars, tor the use of the Dumrr estAblishmeni, and 
specimens of the articles named may be at once sent in to bim under 
tne following regulations ' — 

** The Meat Contract will remain open during an unlimited period, 
in order that time may he allowed for testing the effects of Free Trade, 
and that tbe contractor may have tbe fullest opportunity of aliering his 
prices according to the markets. Every butcher tendering for the 
suppl/ must send in a quantity of not leas tliau three pounds per week 
of prime beef or mutton, as specimen food, until the contract is either 
accepted or declined, and Mr Doiur does not bind himself to any 
particular period for the adjudication, as it is expedient to open the 
door — bis own private doer — to oompetition as wiae aa possible. 

" With reference to tbe article of fuel, Ma. Dunup is now readv to 
receive samples of coal in (luantitiea of not less than one hundred 
weight, whicn must be shot at tbe expense of the parties tendering at 
any time between tbe present date and tbe Slat of Uecenilwr, lo50, 
when the sealed tenders will be opened for the purpose of adjudication. 
Mn. Dunup does not bind himself to accept the lowest tender, and he 
will require a deposit at the rate of sixpence per sack to cover the 
expense of cellarage, the actual coat of couaumption, and the removal 
of ashes. 

'* The parties tendering will not be bound by the quality of their 
latest Bupply. but will be at liberty to amend their tender from time to 
time by sending in frc!<h speciniena of superior qualities at any period 
before the acceptation or refusal of tbe contract. 

" The rules respecting the tender for the supplv of cigars will be the 
same as those that have been framed for food and fuel, except that no 
particnlar quantity will be insisted upon, and a single ci^ar will be 
received as a sample from any respeotable party desirous ortendering. 
Every cigar muat be accompanied bv a certificate from a duly qualified 
chemist, guaranteeing the purity of the leaf, and certifying the non- 
employment of the native cabbage in the process of its manufacture. A4 
eacn cigar will have to undergo separately the somewhat elaborate 
process of smoking, Mn. Dt'NCP will not pledge himself to any limi- 
taiion of time, which might hastily commit him to a second class 
commodity. 

" The tenders need not be sealed, but may be wafered. aa ii: is 
dtsired that Uie parties tendering should be put to no mure expense 
tban is necessary for tbe due carrying out of the purposes of the 
contract. 

*' Lowness of pries, it has been already intimated, will not be an 
essential in determining whether the tender will be received, and 
persons are invited to keep in view first-rate Quality r&tber than cheap- 
ness in tbe selection of the samples forwardea. 

" The contract ia not confined to the merchants or manufacturers of 
any particular locality ; but it baa been placed on the broadest baaii 
so as to allow of its taking in as many as possible." 



i 



FRENCH AND ENGLISH POLICEMEN. 

Thb Kngliahmau is as laconic as an electric telegraph's message. The 
Frenctimau ia as lengthy and as pompous as an American President's 
meBSH,ge. Observe the difference in the two following expresaive 
examples. 

The English Policeman says briefly and sharplv, ** Move on there." 

The French Policeman takes off his hat and says in the blandest 
manner, *' Manears, il faut gue je votu prie de w pat ewtp^Jter ia 
cirruhtion" 

The above polite little order, or entreaty rather, will be found in the 
Paris correspondence of the Ttaus on the occasion of the late Tree of 
Liberty riots. The infuriated mob took off their hats, bowed, and 
insUnlly retired. 

Imagine Policeman X. addressing an English mbb in the following 
terms ;— 

" Gentlemen, I should esteem it as a personal favour if you would be 
kind enough to disperse, for you may not be aware that by loitering 
here you are greatly impeding the general circulation." 

We wonder if it would have tbe same effect aa "Now, Geati, 
I move on." 



H 



78 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHABIVARL 



LITTLE LESSONS FOR LITTLE LADIES. 




FiH'iT Fal-lal^ d4boiiffh the «ai not ricli, nor a per-aon of ruk^ wai a ve^ry ^e 
Lirdf. She WQuld pM* alt her time rcfld-iug no-veb and work icg cro-cbet, but wodd 
ne-fl^ct ber tumM-bold du-ltet; u> her faut-buid!, who vm & ve-ry mc« ajui. «iid food of a 
nice db'iur, be-cvnv « mem^ber of a Club, uii natd to itop out ve-ry late at night, vhloh 
\td to m&'iry qiur*r«li> How fodl'iBb it wu of Fax-vt to nc*glect hf r bouac^boM dn-ties, 
ud ao( to D»k0 bcr Ai/'HE&t bAppjr at home ! 



BIRANGE BULDS IN EKGLA^D. 

We find hvm cne of the nrTip^Kr utumJU's 
—a niEjst induatriom and entftrtaininf class— 
that several rara^ acft hare been Bpon a visit 
to ihu oountrj in con^ucDCe of the e«&90ii*» 
aeTFTitj. We have tem&rked, ae an indic^UoB of 
the pn>ta&le aeveritr of the aenioa, the pre* 
aence Ifttdj of some tct? ■iraage birds in 

Some of theae atraoge birds are of the pxne 
tribe, tU«ir pcciiJiviiy coMiitinf chiefly in their 
bein; Ttb-footed^ vhich prevento them from 
taLm^ a firm ttaad and oftea gets tbcm inta a 
wretcbed hobble. Atnang otber Tarielies of rarfe 
avf-n our atttDtioQ has betnesptcially called to i he 
Antpelu GsTTTtliu^ or Waxen CbilUrer. so caJled 
From its beii:^ t^TT ^f^ "^d Tery talk&tiTC. 
or thia cUsa there arc Mvenl fine Farliameu- 
tary specimen* now to be seetip but they are 
considered excdient eaiue for the keen polilic^ 
Hportsman who dtlishta is bringing them down, 
a feat which i* rather difficult of achieTeoifn^ 
though a good hit well aimed will often dispo&e 
of inti Farliamcntarf Jaqjciu Gamdnt luoet 
DQDctuaivety. 

The Ct>I^m&ftM Jreiien, or Black-tbroated 
DiTfff, is a rcry diBagreeame bird, whose Wail 
)o our GommouA is always murked by extreme 
ooldntas and severitT, The blackpfss of ihe 
threat is attributed by poLitic&l uaturaiiata to a 
Bort of black nlimj matter generated in the bird 
it*elfj and dischfirged from the mouth, while 
athera think the Direr acquireatbeqnalit:f alluded 
to from a habit of diving rery much in dark, 
troubled, and dirty water. 



We helieve it is no longer a aecret that Mr. 
JoNfs Lori) h&s becQ raided to the peer«!^e 
by the appropriate title of Baeos Philojo- 

PHJiaATONE, 



SCENES FBOM THE LIFE OP AJJ UNPROTECTED FEMALE. 

TRE VariOTECTED rEMALE HAViyO BEBM REQUESTED BT A PKZEMD TO PICK HE& Vt A PATEKFO&T, CHEAP, ATTElTDa A BALE BT 

AUCTION, WHEBB SUCU AK ABTICLB IS TO BE DISPOSED OP. 



SCEVB. Jll ih focmi tf a "/amilv mannon*' leiih ihe "neie and 
fatHonable hw$ekola furniture^* di$tribu(ed in a bewildering and 
eoniradiehiy manner, the beds tn tke dinina-roomt, ihe mangle in the 
fr^nt parlouft the hall chairs and umbrella-stand in the l^t atiie, 
ihe eigkt-day dock in the back kitchen^ ihe dining-tables in the best 
bed-room^ and the splendid suit qf drawing-ro>.m furniture in comvUte 
rtmi all over the house. The ** old and choice cellar rf wines " has 
eome upstairs to the first Jlocr fronts and looks uncommonly fresh 
about the corks. The aenutne oil-oictures, by the first masters, have 
been "collected from tne continent, in Wardour Street and Holbom. 
There is a great deal if dirt on the hall floor, and the hands qf the 
Bf okers and Sroiers^Men, with a pervading atmosphere of varnish, bass- 
matting, shavings, stale tobacco, and fresh sorter. /Numerous parties, 
principally Ladies, are looking at everutking, and murkina in their 
eataUgues; BroMrs are euomitiinp tie /umilure to violent tats, 
tugging drawers out, jamming them tn, tossing, punching,and doublinp- 
tp cushions and mattresses, rubbing the rrenrk^usk from ek\f 

I tonniers, chairs and tables, and chijmng off mouldings, ornaments, and 

I sabM points jrom evergthing thai hasang. 

Ui^irotoeted Female ir^flects with astonishment over the third eight-dag 

I clock she has met with in an unexpected position). Well, I'm sure, they 

I SMin to bare bad three and four of everything in this house! I've 

eounted the rooms and the beds, and there's at least two beds to a 

room: and they had four mangles; and I can't tbbk where they can 

' have laid all the carpets. (JSmifi am article t/ furniture.) Ther must have 

I been Pranoh-poluhiag eTsrytning just before they went. And most of 

I the thiDgs look quite new. iShe gates at a chest tf drawers. 

^romSrout Broker {fiomsng out qf atop drmoer). Nioa article. Harm. 

' If you thinks of pnrehasing. (fngiteriouelid, 'ere's my card— I'm wdl 

' known to PiPKivt— this 'wa one ^Firxxiri'B sales. ' Appy to bid foi 

yoo. Mam— «nd set a wally onsnythink aforehsttd. 
I Utqp^oisetgd Female. No* thank yon. 



Mouldg Broker {in a low tone). Buy for you on arf terma, Mann. 
{Aside and alluding to PnosPEROUS Broker.) E 'e a Jew, e is. Want a 
oice feather-bed P 'Appy to bid for you- 

Unprotected Female {with dignttn). Thank you. I shall buy for myself. 
{Sees Davenport.) Tea ; I think that's the sort of thing Mrs. Smithebs 
would like. {Pulls wen a drawer in it, and nearly dt^odges an avalanche qf 
kitchen chairs.) Ob, gracious, it 'a so tight. {Tries to shut ihe drawer.) 
Nasty thing, it 'a all stuck together with the vamub. {The drawer end- 
denlg shuts qf itself with nnnecessarg violence, and the kitchen chairs are 
with dijiadtg prevented, by the jvint efforts tf a Pembroke table and tke 
Umprotected FBitALE,/nMPi comingdowM won her head.) Oh, somebody 
— please could you help me with the table r 

Bi^ry Broker {extricating her), 'Ere you are, Marm. You'd better 
take me, or you'll be doing of yerself a mischief. 'Appy to do any> 
think for you. Marm. But it's all rubbidge this 'ere. 'Sre'a my 
card — my eatabtishment's in Finsbory— sells and buys on commission. 

Unprotected Female {who is graduallg being led away by the influence tf 
the probable bargains about her). Thank you; I only want one article— 
{She petf arms a pantomime with snfa cushions. 

Beery Broker, 'Ay, Mann— nothink but 'ay. I could let you 'ave a 
lot of prime 'orse-'air articles dirt cheap. 

Promiscuous Porter. Want a Porter, Marm P Wans Xept. and puno- 
tiwality, neatness, and despatch, in town or country. [C^ervu card. 

General Jgent (cot^ldenttailu). Happy to do anything for you, Ma'am. 

Facetious Broker {cheerfully). Now. Ma'am— are we going in for a 
little bsrgaitt, tOKlay P Bless you, I m known to the authorities and 
the ladiM— all baa Jacksoh. Attends Custom's Sales, and i»ivate 
ancHons. IFeryperiinahioutfy. 

Unprotected Female. Oh 1 I wish yon woold all go. I don't want 
anybody, and I'm not going to bay anything. 

Mourns Broker. Ob, gammon I I knows the ladies. Tou on't help 
tt. Olio I There 's FiPKivs ffoing upstairs. 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



!!_ ^ 



Juetioneef^t Mait {calling ai door). TwelTe o'clock. Bale ! 
IJ gtneral rmh of BroiKra and Buytrt, m vhick th UimiOTlCTfD 

Temalk ii 9}tept ypstairt. 
[Scene changet to the fevnt drawiitgroom, tciik Mr. FirKUts. th€ 
AuetioHier, in hispulpil oh the Spatiith Mahogany dinittg-Caals. 

AtteiioMfrr, Now, wbal iihul we say for the console wit,L niarbte 
slab, turned rosewood 1m, nnd ormolu dawF W^at shall we sa/ for 
the olaaaical article F Light poiinde for the console. Quite rococo^ 
ladiM, and the Pariftian 6t>le. Eight ten, for the clas&icat article — 
eicbt Afteen is bid for the console. Look at the style of tliat Itg. 
Nine — nine four i* bid— nine fifteen. The slab is of the finest 
pftitowi ontico. (J14tf Vm protect ED TzuJihl fottotoe in breathless aiten- 
tioH.) An article suited to the boudoir — ten two — ten four is bid. 
No adyance on ten four ? Going at ten four. 

(/nproteeiad Female [shaking her head coHiemp(uowly). Ten pounds four 
for a rublitshinK thing like that ! Well ! 

Auctioneer. Thanfc you, Ma'am. Ten sii— no adrance on ten six for 
the classical article. Going at ten six — going, gone! {The ctasticai 
atticU u knocked down.) Superior pair of 36-iDch library globes. 
Shall we say five pounds for tbe highly finished globes — terrestrial aod 
calesti&lf The use of the globes is a part of cverjr education. These 
are the globes on which that branch of the Fcieaces ts taught. Fire four 
—five BIX — highlv-linished constellations. Five eight — ten — fourteen — 
six pounds is oid — with leather covers coniplele— and a book — going 
at SIX. 

Unprotected Female {who, not havinc learnt the vse <f the globes does 
notfotlote thit lot toilk muck interest). Ob. drar. there 's Mas. KofiUiaov. 
(Noddittg tveetln to Uha. R.) How d' ye do ? How d' ye do ? 

Anetioneer. 'ihankyou—^ix two— going at six two ; no advance on six 
two for the Kjpbes — going at ^iI two — gone ! {TU globes ore knocked down 
ai sis ttpo.) The next lot is tbe hIsbly-lJDi&lied set of levellmg instru- 
ment»i with case and sland. complete, by Doddle?; indispensable to 
the engineer, and cow offered at three pounds. Three ten — tliree twelve 
— going at three twelve — no advance on three twelve P 

Airs. Robttaon {nodding the gnestion to the UvpjiOTECXED Female). 
Are you going (o buy ? 

(/nproteeiea Female (nodding the oMSver). Ye^ 

Ametioneer, Three fourtern is hid. Uuintr at three fourteen— going- 
gone I {The levelling inairumeat* are knocked dmen.) A unique set of 
Gobelin tapes' ry, CroiM VMris- four pieces -, the " lUpe of the &*bine8," 
" Acis and Galatea," "the Triumph of Alexander toe Greai," and 
*' Joshua commandicg the sun to s'aud still." Tbe set is ofTered at fifty 
guineas. 

\jChe bidding begins tpiritedh^ and hat reached seventg guineas, 
teiih the accompaniment <y a florid bnt rather inaccuratr desmp^ 
turn o^ the daie^ nffjeete^ and leat qf the mannfaclure from 
Mb, Fifkii«S. The hammer is tnspended at seoenty4kree ttn. 

^ff$, B. {who tsfcnd {f ccnversat on. and apt to cat ry it on at a distant 
bg teleoraph, nodding the question), un't that an awful price for such 
ugly things? 

unprotected Female {whose notions qf art are in their infancy^ nods her 
answer). Ferfeotly ridiculous. 

Auctioneer. Seventy-four — thank you — going at seven' y-four-no 
advance on seventy-four— gone ! {^The Uipestry is ^-nocked down. 

[The UuPBOTECTED Yeualk rccpgnises other acquaintances, and is 
pTffuse qf nod* awoirgst them. 



{A lapse of three hours. 
Auctioneer, An elegant rosewood 



The Davenport is put pp at last. 
Uavtfuport, Lrasa imi&hed, wiili 
tuiued 1^8, and nest of drawers, complete. What shall we Eiav? 
Three ten for the Davmport. (Unfrotected Female htisti/y nods.) 
Three twelve. (Facetiols Broker, who has had hit eye upon her, nods.) 
Three fourteen. (Beery Bboeek nods.) Three sixteen. (PhospbrjOUS 
Broker nods,) Three eighteen. (Unfbotected Female nods very 
nervously.) Four pounds. 

I'uprvtected Female. 1 mustn't go above four pounds. 

[Facetious Brokrr iioit j^m. 
Auctioneer. Four two. 

Unprotected Female. It *s a pity to let such a nice thing go. [Nods. 

Auctioneer. Four four (Unprotected Female nods, otdding agatnst 

heneif.) Four six. (Mouldt Bboeeb nods.) Four eight. {All the 

Brokers by a curious coincidence take to nodding.) Four ten — twelve — 

fourteen. Five pounds is bid. 

Unprotected Female [who has become perfectly reckless), 1 must buy it 
now. They can'l go beyond five two. INods, 

Auctioneer. Five two is bid — five two. 
[Theoriu is snatched out if the hands of the Ukprotected Female 
Be a fresh bunt qf bidding from the Brokers, which runs the 
Davenport mp to six ten. Ut^pROTXcrxD Female, who seems 
to have lost Mr senses, nods convulsively.) 
Auctioneer, Six twelve 1 Going at six twelve. No advanoe on six 
twelve. Gone ! 

[The Davenport is knocked down to the Unprotected Female at 
about three times its value. Four o* clock strikes from seteralqftke 
sightly clocks, ^ it ix»6 leaves his pulpit. TheVvtRQTzciLD 



Female, overwhelmed with remone for what she has done, riem 
dejectedly and is going. 

Auctioneer's Clerk, 'Ere, M arm— twenty- five per cent deposit, if you 
please. Wait a moment aod 1 Ml make out yoor Hat. 

Unprotected Female. Oh, I've only bought a Davenport If you'll 
tell roe what 1 *ve to deposit. 

Auctioneer's Clerk {casting up). It Ml be sixty-two pound ten. Mann, 
plesse. 

Unprotected Female (not in the least believing her ears^. What ? 

Auctioneer^ Clerk. 'Ere's your list, Marm. {Heads rapidy.) Rich ^t 
marble console, £10 6*. ; pair 36 inch globes, £6 2«. ; set of levelling 
instruments, with case, £3 \is. ; set of four pieces tapestry. £74; a 
patent mangle^ £0 &r. ; a refrigerator. £9 4j. ; four dozen superior Fort. 
old crusted, £9 10*. ; a double-barreUcd fowling-piece, with case, and 
extra barrel, £8 ; a dozen door-plates with tbe name " Skimmer," lit. ; 
a bath chair. £13 ; a shop-counter, with fitting*, and a surgeon's door 
lanip, £6 ; an opossum skin robe, model of a New Zealand oanoe. and 
driea head from New Guinea, £3 4«. ; rosewood Davenport, £6 i2t. ; 
£62 lOx. is the deposit, Marm. 

Unprvtectcd Female. Oh, gracious goodness ! That 's somebody 
else's BccouD^ I'm sure I never did ! Oh, never I 

Auctioneer's Clerk. £h ? Every one knocked down to yoo. 

Faetiious Broker. Yea, ve aee *em. We thought you was in the 
miscellaneous line, Ma'am. 

Unprotected Female. Ob ! but I never did. I 'm sure I never did. 
I don't want any fowling-pieces, or door-plates, or dried heads. Ob, 
please, I 'm sure i didn't. 

Clerk. 1 ?ee vou bid— every time. 

Prosperous Broker. 'Appy to take the Davenport off your bands, 
at two trn, Miirm. [Winking at his brethren, 

Moudy Broker. I'll guT you two twelve, Marm — that's tbe full 
vidlr of ibc article. 

Clerk. Now, Ma'am— if you '11 give me the money— or a cheque. 

Unprvtected Ftmale. Oh ! but I hav'n't it ; and I didn't^indeed. 
Oil. indeed — I never did. Oh I please — you can inquire. I don't keep 
a shop where they sell such things. How could I buy instruments, 
and wines, and door-ulates, and things ^ 

Oerk. Females moJces worry rum purchases. Bless you, they buys 
loads of things they doesn't want. 

Mouldy Broker [tententiously). Poor creturs, they can't *elp it. Sell 
the Davenport, Marmf 

Porter. Appy to pack your purchases, and lake 'em 'ome, Mft'am. 
Got a wan bflow, Ma'am. 

Unprotected Female. Oh, but I didn't. [/« the exttemity qf agony. 

Clerk. I sec you nod 'cm down. Everr one. 

Unprotected Female. Oh— it was Mrs. Robinson. I wasn't bidd-ng. 
I was only nodding. I never bought anything. Ob, never ! never ! ! 
[She invokes the Umverse to witness. The Scene cloics on her 
dcpair. 



THE LUCKY FAMILY. 

AKOTifEB Elliott has been sdded to the ten thotisand and one 
Elliotts alreadjr attached to Miaisterial appointments. A foreigner 
would imagine ^at tbe Elliotts bad the monopoly of talent in England, 
or else that they were a race as numerous as the Ssutus. Tbe present 
reign will be chronicled in future histories as the "Reign of Victorla 
*nd the Elliotts." The last appointment is recortled in the Doily 
Neics of Feb. 11. It seems that the original stock of Elliotts is very 
urarly exhausted, aod that they are now beginning with the persons 
who have married into ihe family. Tbe husband of an Elliott has 
been appointed to tbe office of Engineer at the Admiralty. 

The CoELBGs were at one time known as the Lucky Family to marry 
into. Ir- was the surest step to npid promotion. Tbe Eluotts, how- 
ever, will soon supersede tbem. Next to a liandsome dowry nothing 
will oe so valuable as the band of an Elliott. It will t>e taken any- 
where as eauivalent to a rood £1000 a yrar st least, and, if the times 
are partiouWly good, will be eagerly snatched at as sure to throw the 
happy owner into the best: berth at the Admiralty. 

Mil. Hume should move for a return of all the Eujom who hold 
officce under Government, with speeifications of their united agee and 
joint incomes. 



What '• in-a Livery P 

The box-keepers at the Olympic Theatre are dressed in hasdeome 
liveries. A nervous oid gentleman, who went to see Ariadne tbe other 
evenbg, was greatly alarmed at their apt>earance, and, wben tbe box- 
keeper asked him for his ticket, be drew him aside, and MiJ. after great 
hesitation, " My name is 0&bu>Q3. but I must beg you will not 
announee it." Ue was evidently labouring under tbe fear that, the 
moment the door of the drcs* circle was opened, the servant would oawl 
out, in the loudest voice, " M&. and Mas. OK&iDem t " in the same way 
that guests are announced at an evening party. 



4 



I 
I 



4 



4 
I 



80 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



W 



^ 




Pirtt (Xd FooaU, **V/o\JLD Tou urb to sbbthe Paper, Still Thdib*8 NorniNO 

IK IT." 

Sttrnd Old Faode. ^ TasN what trk Dbtil did tou ukbp it so tOMO roal" 



THE LATEST HUDSON TESTIMONIAL. 

It is rumoured that tie " honourable " member for Sunderland hu ftpphed for 
and becD actually refused the stewardship of the Chiltern Hundreds. We are glad 
to &ad that the interests of these unhsppy hundreds, whose stewardahip tuis 
generally been entrusted to any hands^ however dirty, that have been readr to 
accept the trust, are at all events »umctently cared for to prevent them from 
being contigned to the charge of Mr. Hudsok. Three years ago lie would, no 
doubt, have undertaken to make the Chiltern Hundreds so profitable, that every 
aepartte hundred of them should pay ten ner cent. ; and if a company had been 
advertised with his name as Cbairman ot the Board of Directors, to run a 
railway to Chiltern direct, with a hundred branches for the accommodation of 
all the hundreds, the shares would have come out at four or five premium. 

We never exactly understood what the Chiitom Hundreds really are, and our 
imagination has wandered vaguely from a hundred of walnuts to a hundred of 
ooaU; but whatever thev may be, they are considered too valuable, at any rate, fo 
admit of their stewardshiu being consigned to the iadividual who has given so 
unaatisfactory an account o? lus stewardship in matters of a more extensive nature. 



THB 

CENTURY (BEHINDHAND) OF INVENTIONS. 

(Advebtisbmbnt.) 

Mb. Oldcistlb begs to call the attention of all Olx> 
EKGuan GcitTLEitEN, and others of the old school, to hit 
Ou> Fashio'ed iisTABLLSEMENT for the sale of articJea of 
all descriptions, in use among our forefathers in the Good 
Ou> Toas. but of late too generally displaced by a parcel 
of new-faogled inventions. M&. 0. invites partifolar atten- 
tion to hia extensive stock of genuine Old HouldCaxdum 
and Dips, warranted made of mere Tallow, and uaequaUed 
for guttering, the Moulda requiring to be snuffed every five 
minutes, and the Dips oftener still, thus enabling any enter- 
prising MufaGKR, desirous of reviving the PiXMr Datb op 
Ttrz Draiu, to restore, with all their effect, tne original 
Foot Lights to the Stage. Whale Oii., for Lamps, tho- 
rougbly unsophifilicated, recommended to Tory families and 
BoroQKhs in lieu of Camphineand Gas. A large assortment 
of Primitive Tinderboxzs, for which the uostart Con- 
creve will be found no Match, ^lint and Steel Guns, and 
PiatoU, for Fowling and Self- Defence, that snap or flash in 
the pan full as freoueuily as t liey go off, thereby diminishing 
by one half the ri^k attending the use of Percussion Fire- 
arms. Great Coats, four timea the weight of any of the 
fUmsy Wrappers now in vogue, and of a proportionably 
handsome price. Heal Beaver Hats that get rough with the 
least breath of wind, and show themaelves to be 30#. artiolea, 
and none of your paltry Paris Nap. Lbathkb Brxechu 
AMD Gait£ks ; also Top and other Boots of (antique style 
and workmanship. Watches of ample dimensions, with 
Chains or Ribands, and Bunches of^ Seals, adaptra to a 
portly gentleman's fob. 

*«* A Baker's Shop is attached to the Establish inent for 
the suppler of the Old Xoaf at the Ohi Prices to all those who 
have a dutaste for the Novel Cheap Bread. 



FOOD FOR THE MDrt). 



Im republics it is usual to discard titles altogether, but everv day brings forth 
some new and astounding title in (he republic of tetters. We have had all sorts 
of odd names, including Man and his Motives, and Woman and her Mission, to 
which will no doubt soon be added Oirl-Boy and his Gig, with other similar pro- 
ductions. One of the greatest puulea we have met wiih in this line, is a new 
work whose scenes are evidently laid in the poultryy ard, and we shall be much 
obliged to any one who will enlighten us aa to the probable contents of 




NO ACCOUNTING FOR TASTE. 

Vfr. hope that in the next edition of the Phfftiokffit tU 
Gout some notice will be taken of the following advertiae- 
ment, which appeared a few days ago in the Tintes.-^ 

A MARRIED GENTLEMAN, whow bniioeM require* him tn 
lire near the Pnnt OfHc«, would Lata no obJacUoa lo TAKB 
CUAKOE of A WAKEHUUSK tn the city. Ai moMy U not «a 
object, be would undertake It on retr reAiookbla taimi, Unexc«p- 
Uotuiblc rafercQce will bo g-iven. 

Now, in the name of common sense, we would inquire 
what can be the peculiar attraction to this Married Gentle- 
man of a *' Warehouse in the City/* that he should be ao 
desirous of looking after it. We misht imagine that 
pecuniary considerations supplied a sufficient inducement, 
were it not that ' he expressly repudiates all merccnarr 
motives by distinctly alleging that " money is not an object 
with him. 

It is not very complimentary to the wife of the Married 
GeatlemaD, that he snould yearn for a Warehouse in which 
to while away his leisure hours. He is perhaps of a con- 
teroplalive turn of mind, and regards a Warehouse as a 
place well adapted for meditation after office hours, when, 
to UBQ the Unguage of the poet— 

."Oft in the stillv night, 

Ere slumber's chains have bound him. 
Left there without n lighf, 

With goods and boxes round him : 
The stools and chairs, 
The sundry wares, 

01 soUtade the token ; 
Leave him alone, 
The clerks all gone. 

By nought the silence broken.' ; 

For an iadividual sentimentally disposed, and anxiouB 
to do a bit of Majiius over the ruins of Carthage, after 
buiiness hours, the run of a deserted Warehouse in the 
city, after dark, may be a desirable investment of his leisure. 



HtKT TO WAXUt-COKPAXIia. 

It has been calculated that the Metropolis might be 
supplied with manv tliousands of gallons of water obtained 
by being separated from the Loudon milk. If this be 
tnie, whatever Db. Bucllamd may say. a pretty abundant 
loaroe of water-supply exists in the obalk formation. 




UNCH— Iftfiog bis band 
upon a blank sheet of 
foolscAp— has registered 
a vow to take no sort of 
pleastire, to mix in no 
vaiadelight.nntU be shall 
have performed & solemn 
duty to the City of Lon- 
don, and a heart-deep 
satisfaction 1o himself. 

PuneA calls upon ail 
men vith hearts in their 
breast 9f and.whnt is more, 
with Bixpencps in their 
nockcLs — upon all such 
happy being?, to come 
forth, and aubucribe at 
least a tester towards 
a monament for Sta 
Fkter LmRTE! Lon- 
don's Sir Petbr— ilie 
world's 8xa Petib — 
PuHfKa SirPeteb! 
It is needful to tftke 
breath before Punch attempts to number the many claims of his 
hero to the peculiar cousideration of the world — the many 
public virtues of Laurie, the Knight of Uie Thistle ! 

Has he not entirely put down suicide ? Jlas man or woman 
sought untimely death, since Sir Petes sonorously declared that 
he would no ionper permit the custom of djiof?? Since the 
time that Sir PeT£B made thesraTo ridiculoua—from that hour, no amner haa volun- 
tarily sought it; a sustaining truth, to be vouched for by all coroners ! 

lias not Sir Pkter dccmred for the impenitence of erring man? Has be not pro- 
pounded the grand idea — that has sunk like a leaden plummet into the very depths of 
society — that once a thief, always a thief P Would not Sib Peteh, if he could, lock the 
gate of mercy, and throw away the key ? 

Uaa not Sm Peter demoliahed Joshpu Ady— annihilated Jacob's Island— and repealed 
the wood-pavement — the Utter thing, as one would bare thought, quite after Sia 
Petkb's own head and heart F 

Haa not SiE Peter 

(But here, our pensive printer informs Q3 tliat be has no room in the present nnmber 
for the full treatment of the theme. — Punch must therefore say nothinRofat least abuabcl of 
Sir Peter's claims, and nirh a pang for the omission— come to Sir Peter's last, and* 
perhaps, liis greatest triumph !) 

Has not Sir Peter cut down [the proposed salary nf Mr. Stuon, the city officer of 
h' ali-h. from £700 a vear to £500 P Has be not saved the city £300 per annum P He has : 
and if the £200 divided into fart.hings, and endowed with copper voice, could shout or squeal 
StR Peter's praise— poor, small, weak, and all unworthy, would be the approving sound. 
No ; upon every waroiing-nan, upon every candle-fltick~>upon all things brazen and brassy, 
the praise of La.ubje should b(^ struck with loud and approving hoUowness ! 

Mark, bow finely— how loRically— Sih Peter disposes of Ma. Simon. The Man of 
Health is utterly demolished by the Knight of Wisdom : — 

**l(e eotuMorod tbat Mx.BiiioN'a Brport wu quite enough to glvn any one the choler*. {LattgXtir). He 
mrned tbayConrt that, If ih«y were to Lncraue mtlvies evpry Urae they had kd iBterwUng Beport, neit 
year their feo)(nc« wuld be huroired np to tho latocnUble extent of lOOOt. a year {LamgkUr). The 
uoMtnt of 600i. a year was anipla mtnuwraUoa far all tbfl aerricaa whlcb ooold bn reqnlrad tnm an o0c«r 
of health for a^pulation of only 00,000 pcnoiie, nad be thould oppOM any tnereaio of amouat where there waa 
no locreaae of iluty," 

8iK Peter's powers of humour are tremendous. He would be too much for the gravity 
of an ape. There was a certain philosopher who died in a fit of laughter, upon seeinj? a 
donkey eat 6ga. If, in return, any individual of the race of asses is to be killed by hAanDr 
a philosopher make a joke, Laurie is the man predestined to that execution. Let all 
asses beware of him ! 



THE SUN'S WALK. 

The san got up from his damp sea bed, 

For a tour of observation 
He donned bis paletot of London for, 

And his nightcap of Thames exbauLtton, 
In whose fleecy haee he wraps up hia nys, 

When he visits the Englisu nation. 

He toddled down to St. Stephen's 

On a Wednesday daylight sitting, 
And heard Ministers quash a proposal raali, 

For the window-tai remitting : 
And the Sun remarked. "They've sat in the dark. 

Till for dark than light they 're more fitting." 

From St. Stephen's he turned to St. GUea*. 

Guided less by leeing than smelling. 
For he ran his nose 'gaiust the waila toat rose 

Hound each damn and darksome dwelling. 
** No wonder," said he. " they won't admit me, 

Lest of such sights I should be telling." 

He met bis old foe. Fever, 
At his feast in the damp, so goulish ; 

And heard Mr. Bcmble, at the Poor-rates gnunble, 
Which struck him as somewhat owlish ; 

While the guardians who lord o'er the parish board 
Are Messrs. Penny-wise and Pound foolish. 

Like mites from old cheese, the houses 

Poured forth their squalid dwellers; 
The young folks sallow, the old green-yellow. 

And all those blanched cheeks were tellers 
Of the same sort of tate as the lettuces pale 

Grown by amateurs in cellars. 

He tried to get into a tenement 

Which was let oat to these poor creatures. 
Bat each window waa barred by (he tax so hard 

Against a glimpse of his features : 
DaTiight and fresn air had no business therci 

Except as over-reachert. 

From out of an open oess-pool 

He saw the gas freely wander, 
Poisons more and less pure, from gully and sewer— 

And it c&used the Sun to ponder. 
" What harm could it be, if I were as free, 

As Mr. Typhus yonder ^" 

All through Saffron Hill he strove to get in. 

But they wouldn't give him pennisaion : 
He tried Kosemary Lane and Whitcchapel in vain, 

'Gainst the tax-gath*rer'a opposition ; 
Till after a while, to a stately pile. 

All amased, he found free admission. 

" Ha ! Ha ! " thought he, " 'tis easy to see, 

Here 's a better dispensation : 
This no doubt is a home to which old folks come. 

Who *ve deserved well of the nation ; 
A resort for the old age of Industrj*, 

Or a club for people of station." 

He wandered at ease through the pa8sages» 
Peeped through windowa wide and airy. 

Roamed the light corridors, npon all the floors, 
Prom the attics down to the area ; 



Mb. Simom's Report"— propounded liAUBiE— " was quite enough to give any one the When with sudden dismay he heard somebody say 



cholera." Whereupon, tlie Alderman i proposes that the salary of the man who is to take 
pood heed of the peat, doing hia best to delcAt the evil, shall have the lesser reward— &KX) 
in Lieu of £700. Or, rather, does not Lat;ilie, in his own waggish way, mean to insinuate 
that the Report is a flam— a ghostly romance— a mortal falsehood, concoctedlwith the base 
intention of frightening honest aldermen into cleanliness? Is not the whole document a 
subtle assault upon the time-honoured interests of dirt P 

Any way, SiK Peter's amendment waa triumphant. He moved in defence of muck, 
and carried his motion. M'hereupon, we would have a monument erected to LsuaiE— a 
monument suggestive of his public worth and sterling talent. Something that should 
combine a double compliment to his utility and his economy. Hence, we would propose 
the ereclion of an inverted Tin Slop-Pail (with a proper inscription) to the honour of the 
Alderman. A Tin Slop-Pail, on a slab of Scotch Granite I 

W* are rather pleased with the notion of the significanoe of the thing. It is at once, 
hoUow, dirty, and cheap. 

y - ' 

A HiOHLT RtsPECTiBLE "Pahtt."— A PcrsoB in waot of an occupsUon, and advertising 
for the same in the Time9^ informa the world, that " The advertiser being highly'respectable, 
no retail business will tuit." This gentleman seems to be somewhat less consequential logi- 
cally than ha is personally. His address is given u K.— Should it not hare been S.N.O.B. P 



Iwas the Peniten-li-ary 



Official Ohanges. 

Gat£-Keepzr Joxes has taken possession of his 
country seat— the Windsor chair — at the entrance to 
the euclosure of St. James's Park, and Constable 
Shitu of Kensington Gardens is staying for the 
present lit bis little box in Bayswater. The family 
of the Browks remiin at the Lodge, Hyde Park, 
and hold their Ginger Beer mating* and Curds and 
Whey r^nions as usual. There is a rumour of a va- 
cancy in the Gate-keepery of one of the Parks, but it 
would be premature to say anything at present. We 
have iiowever heard that an oiBcial cane will shortly 
be at the disnosal of the Government, and we need 
not say that uiere will be no difficulty in finding 
many candidates on whom the cane * might bs 
bestowed most advantageously aad dea«rTedly. 



k 




OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



EABL OF HAEEWOOD FORBIDDING THE BANNS. 

OTICR — In contequence of the coDtinucd Practico of oTercrowding and taldog 

Lodnn loto tbe cottactf or tbe Uftrawoc^ BsUte (moK emdnllr rtltiTn Un t1Du« 

atknwooi), ooDtrary to Ibe axpreas agrMmcnt uid regulation*; Notice li ba«l(f 

r«n that way Coltitgvr bekiK a Tenant of Eahi. Haukwood, aud who abftU from Iba 

alfl bftrtof take Id anjr Lodger, or wboae Son or Cangbtar ahall norrjr pr trw^ komt 

to the ceftta^e. Wife or Huvbuid, irilAmil Aotrfa^ ffMiauMty 6btamtd rtkiaiuoir mm fhB 

K. or 11^ ihall reo»tr6 notlc« ioqait,vbtcta oottoa ibaU be atrlcUf enfoRMd« aod tf 

in amplnyinvnt of tbeaald £. H., shall ba ^iaebarged. W. HAUoiLajr, Agent. 

A NOBLEUAV in 1h« nortli of England, hu iBsued the above notice to 
bis tenantry, prohibi'ing tbem from taking lodgers into ttieir cottages, 
oratiowing asoa or daughter to nv^rry and bring home a wife or a 
buBbaod, " without having previously obtained pennission " from the 
peer alluded to. This measure is adopted, on the plea— which is not 
a bad one— of preventing the over-crowding of cottages ; but we think 
we could suggest souietliiug better than a prohibition of those lies 
which Providence designed should be formed, and which it seems must 
not be formed upon certain estates, without the sanction of the landlord, 
on pain of ejection from home, and dismiBsal from emplo}-mcnt. 

If instead of pulling down cottages on their estates, landlords would 
build more, so that it would be unnecessary to crowd lliose that exist, 
with lodgers ; and a son or daughter upon marriage, could find another 
roof beside that of the parcut, the prohibitiua referred to in this case, 
would not be required. 

Perhaps, too. if wages were rather belter, there would be no neces- 
sity for a landlord to forbid the banns, with a view to the prevention 
of what, instead of baing as they ought to be and niifcht be, happy 
and pnident unions, are in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred, 
" Improvident Marriages." 



We have in our time heard various articles mentioned aa tbe props of 
our Klorious Constitution, but thire has never been any question as to 
the fact of "twelve men m a box" affording much material support to 
British hberty. We admit the truth of the assertiuii, I bough, as thr 
"box" i« oontinually changing its contents, the twelve props will 
occasionally tarn out to be twelve sticks, a circumstance of little con- 
sequence, for the props are merely temporary, and one set is being 
always replaced by another set, so that the ^alue of liberty is not likely 
to suffer much from casual in^rmi^y. 

The following paragraph taken from a leader in the Time* will throw 
A light upon What we have been sayiog — 

" The Jury, with that Ingenloni facility of camproinlae tn whicb Jurina alone attain 
pronounofut a venUot Car tba Jefaodaat, wbo had charaelpriiird Ha. O'CoHxoit aa a 
■wtodlar, and then exprcned tlwlr opiidoa that tbe boDcetjr of the Utter jjcotlcuiatt 
*«t<XRl ualmpeached.' " 

Wa were as much puzzled as our contemporary at the result alluded 
to in the above extrac*. but as our Constitution is often said to be 
a perfeGlly oonaiitent whole, though made up of a mass of appaieot^y 
conflioiing particles, we must believe that great Constitutional 
autburiiy, a British jury, to be always right in the main, though 
apparently coming to a conclusion involving the most palpable con- 
tradictions. How a man ran be monounced a swindler withuut having 
been libelled, or Buffered the smallest impeachment of his character, is 
lo us a riddle, which we cannot hope, and wilt notattempt to, cluoidate- 
The decision in the case before un reminds ns of the old Irish verdict 
of "Murder, and served turn right;" for ihe jury in Mr. Kk-^rcvs 
O'Coknor's case, »ay iu fffect, that the defendant was juititied in 
abusing the plaiutifT, but that his character remains unimpeached. 

lliere seems to us to have been a br no means "soft impeachment/' 
wliich if unmerited— as the jury decided it was— should, we imagine, 
have entitled the plaintiff to damages. If a man has hi« eyes blacked, 
his nose broken, and his teeth knocked out by an assault, it would be 
be Tery hard when he appeals to the law, to be told to his very terth, 
and in the very face of uii damaged features, that lie is none the worse 
and that his assailant is acquitted. Such is the consolation Mb. FcaR- 
oos O'CoKKOB has cxperipnced. He goes into Court, declaring be baa 
been beaten black ana blue in reputation. The defendant does not 
deny, but justifies tbe treatment he has offered to the plaintiff, who, 
when be seeks redress. U told "tliere, run along, go away, you're not 
hurt in the least ; and the person who has attacked you is not guilty 
of any thing." 




It is suggested that Mr. Fiargus 0'Ck)KKOB and Mr. HuDAOif had 
better pair off immediately. 



THE LIMBO OF GREiTNESS. 

Madamb Tussatjd may be called the old clotheswoman— the aeoond- 
hand broker of this world's pomp. " The greatest price given for left- 
ofT vanities " mtKhl be wrifieii over her doorway ; and aa the 
d&Dgling black doll indicates — though wherefore, we must write and 
ask the editorial conjuror of Notti and Queriet. to know — that rags 
are nurchascd within, so should a tin crown and wooden sceptre, sus- 
pended in Baker Street, give oommercial notice to tbe heirs and 
executors of departed greatness- At the sale at Marlborough House, 
Madake Tussaud has been an adventurooa ptirdiaaer. 

" Tbe faU-leDgUi portnUta of thatr late M%)estlei, Oioaos tbb Thisd aod Qimir 
CuAaurrrc, ronurrly oocapylog poattlona to tbe gnnd dliiloK*n)om, and Uckateil at 
£5? oach, bave foood faTour to the algbt of Madahi Tomaou, fn wdom aalooo tbe^ 
will bfloeaforth Im aaaoclaled irltb tbelr proiotypea in wax." 

That the father of his peo;>le, and the mamma to match, should be 
made part and parcel of a shilling show ! That pictures, so sinoerely 
venerated, so passionately idolised in the life-time of their originals, — 
ahould be treated with no more reverence than the daub of any King's 
Head " that swings and creaks at the door-way of an ale-house ! There 
is a nef;Lect, a want of gratitude in this, that is melancholy — depressing. 
We think tuc rightful reverence of folks in high places is perilled by a 
custom that associates their relics with a Iwclvepenny treat. iH»«?A 
would Uierefore suggest a higher kind of Humane Society, whose 
business it should be toputotiase and presen-e the remains— whether 
pictorial or household — of great people, that the vulgar may not— as 
vulgar people arc very apt to do — tiiiunph in their degradation and 
adversity. 

When Qeorgb and Cuajllottb eat for these pictures, it would have 
been a wickedness approaching high treason, to dream of their future 
fate — a destiny that now makes the veraeffigui of sacred msjeaiy a part 
of a show with the infernal machine of l^uciil, and tbe satin gown of 
Hs^. Maxmikq ! 



HARD DRIVINQ AT MANCHESTER. 

Manchester is now exhibiting performances in the coaching line 
nnnvalled from the time of the Olympic charioteers to the palmiest daya 
of the turnpike-road. Crrrain mill-owners there are driving coachea- 
and-six through an Act of Parliament, namely, the Ten Hours' Bill, in 
which blundering legislation has left a gap admitting the operation of 
the shitt and relay lystem, and tbui of lot driving acluevement above 
mentioned. The gap ought to be stopped as soon as possible, ainoe 
the Manchester ooacb-and-six, like a sort of JucoEBKAnT's car, roU% 
in passing throojrh it, over the unfortunate factory children. Horaoi 
alludes to the Olympic dust," or the dust created by the ancient 
chariots; the Manchester coach-and-six has raised a dust — apart 
from " devil's dust"— which, it is to be hoptd, will ere long arrest tiio 
progress of the vehictf . 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



I 



CrVTL WOTIDS COST SOMKTKING. 

Oin would iiDaAiiie that there wu no ^eat barm in askiog for ■ 
thinip, even if nothing w&s to be got by it; but Ibc fact is, that if 
nothiDff is got by it, a great deal is lost by it when askiug takes the 
form of a petition to Partiament. It is to be wished that people who 
are always waiitiug impossibilitiea would be satisBed with a refusal, and 
take an answer onre for all, instead of goine to the legislftture annually 
with a request which, if it leads to no Bm in either Hou)>e> saddles 
JoHV Bull with a pnnling and stationer; bill of no ordinary magnitude. 
It is true rnough that Pariiament gives nothiug unless it ui asked, but 
there is so much unnecessary axeing as to call loudlr for the pruntng< 
knife. The teetolaUera have spent a little fortune of the public money 
in petitioning that all the spirit shall be taken out of the army and navy, 
while tlie petitions for economy have been poured in and printed at such 
an extravagant rate, that a large amount of taxation is absolutely 
necessary to pay for them. 

Civil words, we arc told, cost nothing; but the number of civil words 
addressed to the legislature would fonii a very fomndable itent among 
the Civil Contingencies. £very one who has a wish, and chooses to 
turn it into wishy-washy language, hashes up a petition, and gets some 
Member to move that it t>e printed, when forthwith John Bull has to 
par a heavy sum. because Snooxs is anxious 1o see the Uuidoos pro- 
vided with copT-DOoke, or Murro^i Gramman distributed among the 
Yahoos, or would like to see the duty taken o(T every thiuR ; or because 
Snobuins wants a Charter, with eight or nine new points to it. 

We appreciale at its utmost value the privilege of petiuonioe 
Parliament, but we like moderation in everything, and wc think 
petitioning is carried on in these days with somewhat too little regard 
to either reason or economy. It seems that there is annnallr a very 
large sum expended in sintply folding petitions; so that, in addition to 
the outlay for printing them, it costs not a trifle to double up and do 
for them. If the legislature would make a point of giving us good 
measures without waiting to be asked, the trouble and expense of 
petitioning or printing petitions would diminish very rapidly. 



to ea^, if these foreign beggars are allowed to cut the groond 
from under our feet. Free Trade in our profession will not do. I 
demsnd Protection for Native Industry, and we must have it : or else 
in a short time Begging will be reducvd to i>uch a low thing, that no 
Gent will think of turning his talents to it. We cannot compete with 
these Lascars, and that's the plain black and white of it. 1 call on 
Ma. Disbaeu— at least I would, if I knew his address— to 

PROTF.CT THE BRITISH BKOOAR. 
"Please. Sir, Gnd a comer for this cry of an Old liOndon Bejsgir, 
who is nearly reduced from affluence to beggary in consequence oTtlua 
confounded free IVade. 1 have the honour to remain 

"The Origikal Bboxfn-Dow>- REsrECTABLK Tradbbmaw.'* 
"['redrawn upa petition tmbod^ing the above facts, on the door- 
step of the National Gallery, where it lies every day for the simaturo 
of all true Protectionists. If Mak}(zrs is the gentleman I lake hioi 
to be, he will call upon me, and put bis noble hand to it." 




MOItE PROTECTION FOR NATIVE INDUSTRY. 

mcB, — I've been a beggar 
DOW of thirty years* slandiog. 
I 'm the original broken-down 
r,^ji respectable Iradesnian, with a 
worn-out pair of gloves, who 
holes his head down in shame 
for selling sticks of sealing- 
wax in the open streets. You 
must have observed me leaning against a 
doorpost in St. Martin's Court, and in 
Leicester Smiare. and about the most takinir 
corners of lieKent Street. I'm very well 
known about town ; and by the artistic way 
in wliich I almost sink to the ground, have 
picked up many a good dinner. My crea* 
ture connfortB, however, have been sadly 
walked into lately, by a set of impostors 
that have no business in London at all—/ 
ulimdt to ihoH Lasfan. Tfaev block up 
eTBTT aller. and crawl about in long proces- 
sions with their bands upon each other's 
shoulders. In the frosty weather they 
come in for all the coppers ; for, let me 
shiver as much as I will, I cannot, for the 
life of mr, look half so dead with the cold 
as tbev do with their thin muslin kilfs and 
stiirt sleeves that look as if they had been 
anowedupon. The town swarms with these 
blacks ; and they will ultimately drive 
every respectable English beggar out of 
the market, unless Pbotection is instantly 
given to the nat.ive manufaclurer. 

"We cannot compete with these foreign 
beggars. Their wages are much lower than ours. They can live upon 
lets, conseqnentlv do not mind working for less ; and thev can get up a 
Bore showy srticle for less— an inferior aKicle, it is true, nut one which 
goes off better on scoount of its gaudy sUring colour. Tliey CAn start 
without a farthing's capital, excepting an old sheet; whilst we English 
artists require meaas to cultivate the parement, which I call 'the 
beggar's raw saaierial :' and we most have money lo buy sealing-wax, or 
aocoont-books, or chalk and coloan, to turn that raw material into 
•nvthing like a paying price. 

I can assure you. Sir. those Laseara are eating the venison off our 
plates. We soon shan't have a leg of mutton to stand upon, or a 




AN INFLUENTIAL ORGAN TO MR PUNCH, 

"Sra, 

*' LiKZ yourself, 1 am an organ of some importanoe. I 
express the feelings and sentiments of some of the greatest men that 
ever lived. For instance, 1 am frequenly the exponent of no less a 
mind than thst of the immortal lUKnEL. I expect, therefore, that 
you will admit my opinion to be of some weight, 
I " You appear to think it scandalous thai the late Secretary to the 
I Ecclesiastical Commission has disapiicared with a large amount of 
j Church property, unpursued by a detective constable, uDsdvcrtised in 
the Hue ami Cry. To me it seems a matrer of indifference whether the 
funds should have been appropriated by the Secretary, or misapplied, 
as doubtless thtv would have been, otherwuie, in bmldiug Kpiscopal 
' Alhambras. PrclBtc&' palaces, I take it, hsvc run away witu more 
money than the Secretary has. 

"It would t>e another matter if the property had been likely to be 
devoted to any us^. For instance, if the Commissioners had designed 
to consider me in its distribution. Minii, I am privileged to blow my 
own Irumpet-stcp. 

** The proverb says that one is known by one's associates. Were this 
fnie, 1 should be sorry. What a character I shotdd have, if judged of 
by the \fX of choristers and stnging-men that I am forced to accompany 1 
A class of vocalists, whom no manager would engage as supemu- 
meraries, hired at menial's wages to perform in a church ! 

" Now, a little more money woold create a much better choir; and 
half the sum that has been swallowed bv the Secretary and Bishops' archi- 
tects would have made me and my children — the sons of sacred harmony 
—happy. Come, Sir, and listet— 

** * Wlwra thronsh tha long-drmwu kUI* aiid rretted rtall 
TIm pssllag antlMiD iiweUfl Um notei of prftlee,' 

and say whether the execution of the said anthem is not, nine times in 
ten. a disgrace lo the pisce, the age, the Dean and Chapter, and the 
Ecclesiasiiod Commissioners. 1 protest agKinst being made, as I con* 
stantir am, an acceasarr to the murder of old Tau.i3, and Naitcs, and 
Db. GnxEK, and Da. Blow. In the name of St. Ceciua I invoke the 
Commissioners to bestow a portion of their ample means in sid of 

" Thz Cathedrai. Oboaji." 



RUINATION FOR GOWNSMEN. 

A ClBCULAR, issuing from a certain Inn of Court, offers on the part 
of a recently established " firm," calling themselves Legal, Clerical, 
and Frivste AKcnts, to transact every description of private agenoy, 
to give their clients gratiutoos legal advice, to procure pupils for the 
Bar and the Church, to buy and selladvowsons, to collect tithes and rents, 
to negotiate loans, arrangements with creditors, and the purchase and 
fa'c of estates : in short, it would seem, as agents or doer*, to do all. 
every thing, and every tiody, that is to be done. We are induced to 
put this apparently uncharitable construction on their virwi in oonse> 
qi;ence of their scheme with regard to gentlemen in difficulties, in- 
cluding a proposal ol 

" Mftklnc mch Noooabla Cult uItuxm u the nttun of tlielr aflklr* Hsy rs^nlnt 
tttoi ocUdc Id ftprfvAtS muiD«r «■ B«uk«n to mt CUmta; and w« h>T« ra*MO to 
hvtivre ttvm mir furmrr expvricnce, tbftt thlt fMtorc Id oqt bottiwM it av aoooH- 
MODlTIOll MTCH aCQCISID ST UVDIBCaADUATBS AT 0l70U> ATO CAmsnMB." 

A nice arrangement this for defeaiioi? any ineasures tliat maybe 
adopted by I'niversity authorities for preventing vouDg, foolish, extra- 
vagant Undergraduates from running into debt! A capital plan for 
removing any obstacles which the ingenuity of parents, guardians, 
tutors, may place iu the way of such spirited youths on the road to 
ruin. We should like to know what interest is charred by Mzasas. 
Htjmswowtb, "S. C. L.. Oxon.' and Mb. Sput, ** B. A, Cantab;" 
also in what proportion their advances on bills may consist of bricks, 
oc British Havannahs, or " gross of green speotacles." 




BRIQGS 



Mb. Bmoqi cam't biab tliivq ixatb, to hb makes yob a oa: 

U TOWnrfi THAT BB WILL mCBfOBK Mm. B. IT HI coxia 



■VHICn la miCBDlATBLT raXBD BT A nUMTIC pROTBmONIST, WHO 
0ALL0FEB3UTBBUa" OTXB HIS FENOES — DAMOXD I? B£ DOAMT 



STANLEY'S POOH DOLLY- 

Wht is SiAJfUV mdUticholv f 

CLAREVDOff liu tpoilM hit UOtLT, 

Scntchcd tliR rolour off h«r face, 

SmMbfld poor I)ot,T>r'N frmffite CAM), 

Toiird her likit » itiuttlpooftk, 

Tom to hiti her onuicn frocks 

Kicked tod beitdn her fthoiit. 

Hipped Qp and turned hf.r tn»Jd« out, 

Dwna|t«d her in rvenr point, 

Put her noite nuito mil uf jjint, 

Puird her ImiU off, left nut ona 

Leg for lier to aluid upon ; 

And — AB in Bhort it mny be aald-~ 

Completely knocked her on the head ; 

And all because of STAftLsr*! folly. 

Who would teate CLABzuDOir 'boai Dollt. 



Prunkenneaa in Bport mede Sober Eenieat 

*' Tell me," wya the Querist. " which ihould be prcrerred, brandy- 
and-water in tbeir combined rtate. or brandy and water aeparateF" 

" VeriJy/* rrplie* the rihiloBopher, " brandy-and-wtter in union 
represent mingled delight, but tbe spirit and the pore element in their 
dirided condition conititnte nnmixed satisfaction. 



LEARNING FOR IX)RU PALMERSTON. 

Ik dirrctin){ the Isle a|trre>ti(m on Oreece^ the Foreign Secretary hu 
ibown a aad intensibilily to tboM aasooUtiona which we hare learned 
to chensh in <njr school davi. Wn do not enry that man's feelings 
who could ordfr Ihf* I'l'^'lculn nf Om rirmus without a compunctioaa 



nrntaiMi 



(if ^ 



0am mTLukv 

(oBivtnoolle«t«U)»..< 
iiiaj Mimkni for »" 

Atltittt*. ' 



thit nMmi t 
eTip ■ 

Ibr 

IrdfTKi' \ 
Kit djkf, 
a good ( -^ 
tbe claimi V' 
Foictiers. 



: ^ MiCLEs; to say nothing of 
LoHC Falkbb&tom ought 
indebted for all our intelleo- 
"pn and Plato. Hoicbb and 
oMiBAL Pabkbb lo menace 
>iid g1 Hellas we derive our 
iiiid ieoond Aoriat*, oar 'rip 



Mule Over-due. 

i(<d in Iba House of Lorda 

' he British heroes who were 

I to 1814. By aU me&ns let 

yrars ago receive an acknow- 

. II puriioBf. probably, at this time 

M.f'fl. Semortt vriorm, hoverer^ k 

.Illy due, in the first initaoce, to 

< ing, M were present at Creasy and 



: 




I 



5^^^ 7h^£o^ ^bml^ 



LORD CLARENDON SHAKING ALL THE BRAN OUT OF 

THE DOLLY BRAE AFFAIR. 



wr 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



87 




I 



TAKING SiKPS tX)!! THEIU OWN COMFORT. 
"WiLLVt Mr FauNpa, tou sum to uold an Ordimabt at toic stkts 

OV MT DOOR SVBBT DAY AT I'X" 



tlu d^p it cncked u euj h a monker orioks a nut. The nurow streeti ol 
the City are bad enouich when one of Picuord's rant cornea nUoping 
doWD, aod jou have only just time to nidi your body to the wall as tbio 
as a picture, to save youraeU being cruaUed; but what muat it betheo 
at the Nortu Fole, where there are no Mewa, cor a single shop where yoa 
can run into ! 

Mk. Bcrjo&d's Fanorama auggeata all these frozen horrors without 
p&inLmg them. The water ia ao natural, that you cannot believe it ia 
done in oil. The ice seta everybody's teeth on the chatter ; tlie ladieaf 
teeth, with the proTerbial lomiacity of Ihe aei, cbattering, of oour»e| 
more than the gentlemen's. Taken altogether, it is the most beautiful 
bit of frieBe-painting our eyci ever watered in looking at. In 
summer, it wifi be quite a Magnetic Pole^ for the coolneaa of the apot 
will be sure to attract all London to it. M^at a superb luncheon- 
room it would make for Farbance during the dog-days ! 

N.B. There is a long pole exhibited with some fur dresses in Mie 
room ; and aa many persona have allowed their curiosity to be stirred 
up by this long Pole, aud tiandle it and look upon it evidently aa a 
very great curiosity, we are reouested by Mr. Bujuord to state, that 
the pole in queatiou is not the North Pole, itor haa it, for what be 
knows, any connexion with it. 



PUFF PASTE. 



I 



CLIMBING UP THE NORTH POLE. 

Or all foreign climes there mast be none so difficult to get to the top 
of as the North Pole. Wc feel convinced that no one but a Bedouin 
Arab will ever do it, unless perhaps it is Mn. Stii.t, for, in standing on 
bis head on the top of a pole, that gentleman has reached the very 
summit of hia profession. By the way, what a position for a brilliant 
display of fireworks ! 

As for ourselves, knowing "how bard it is to cliatb," we shall leave 
the North Pole in the hands of others. We are perfectly content with 
Mr. BiKTOtLD's Panorama. An iceoerg is a kind of obstacle we should, 
never attempt to get tlirougli, especially with the chilly conviction that 
we should only be met on the opposite side with another iceberg. An 
ocean, with a splitting, stunning set of icebergs, continually dftncing reels 
and quadrilles^ is not exactly the kind of aociety we feel anxious to plunge 
into. We prefer Almack's, with the icea provided by Guktek. 

It is true that the Aurora Borealis is a very magnificent sisbt, ami 
weimaftine Mr. Burtord must have borrowed Aurora's rosy Angers to 
hav« painted the beautiful one be has hung round bis Arctic first-floor. 
Still the feeling that if you put your head out of window to look at it, 
you immediately lose your nose, must take away a great deal from tlie 
nteasure, for the wind is to cutting on those Snow HUls, that no Turk's 
llead could possibly bang out. for an hour without being cut to pieces. 
Besides, ioujours Aurora Borealia must eventually prove a bore, for 
however successful a ttiing may he on its first appearance, very few of 
us would like to sit it out for 300 consecutive nights and days. The 
Aurora Borealia is a substitute for the sun, or rattier it is a sun done 
to colours. The eflect is not unlike the reflection at night from a 
chemist's window. Fancy Trafalgar Square lighted up with a string of 
Savobt and Moo&e's green and piak bottles, and you have the Aurora 
Borealis brought at one coup d'oeii to your mind's eye, but with this 
improvement, that there is not anything lialf so ugly at the North Pole, 
as the National Gallery. 

The streets, and lanes, and courts, and squares, are all formed in the 
AroticKegions, of ice.^of immense high walls of ice. Picking your way 
ia very difficult, as noue of the streets are named, or the houses num- 
bered, and you lose yourself before you know where you are. Building 
is carried there to a greater extcut, even tban it is rotind London. You 
go to sleep in an open field of water, and, on waking up, find yourself 
Eemmrd in by a floating row of crescents and towering palaces of ice 
that must strike a chill into the boldest heart. It must be very 
awkward when a ahip gets into a cml-de-Moef What a turn it must 
give them, or rather, what would they not give to bo able to turn and 
get themselves out of their awkward scrape. We cannot imagine a 
greater "tarnation fix." There the ship is held between the two dead 
walUof crystalasiaauut-cracker.andif the walls close in the least* 



OtTR eyes have lately been arrested by what may be termed the very 
mcau process of a sumnioni to stay our further proceedings, and turn 
into sundry sniiill shctps in the metropolis to eat A Fuee-Tuadk Pin, 
This alleged luxury ia advertised as juicy with the meals of bmiihfield, 
succulent with the suvoary kidocy, ambrosial with the fTsb of Billings- 
gate, and gushing with 1 lie luscious syrup starling from the plethoric 
pores of the vernal rhubarb. Such is the confidence of the speculators 
m these puff paraded patties, that a reward of £5000 is ofl'ercd to any 
one who can produce tat the nricc) "alarjierand abetter" pie. The 
connection between Free Trade and the pie in question is by no means 
obvious, nor has any attempt been made in the placard before us to 
explain where, how, why, or in what respect such connection exists, 

There is a pretended quotation from EncuBUs, and several great 
men of antiquity are cited apropot of the pie, but the only hero of 
the past whose name is appropriate to pastry — we meau, of course, our 
old friend PtE-ua ^neas— is by some accident overiooked. ^Ve have 
in our tiniA had much exoerienCA in articles of this deacriplion, and 
there was a time, ere sooer reflection had taught us to curb the 
sharpness of our expressions, that we were seldom long without some* 
Lhioff tart in our mouth. 

We have learnt at the cost of experience— and many halfpence— that 
»ize is no test of auality, aud that in pastry, as in mankint}, excellence 
is not always to those looked upon as the great. If we had known how 
to moralise upon a pie before rating it— which we never could — we 
should have said '* Trust not to t hat which seems externally ovcrflowiug 
with goodness, for the sweetness that is alwaya readv to rise to the 
surface is soon exhausted, and is often a proof of hoilownesa within." 
Apropot of uies, we will conclude with one fact in Natural Uiitory» 
founded on long observation, and we should be ft lad if Von Hdhboldt, 
TiuE'MAK. Untidy-uian, or any man, would explain to us the mystery 
which we have discovered. 

We \vant to know, and we ask the simple question of the whole of 
the natural historians now living, how it is that all pigeons of which 
pigeon pies are made, have each four legs. Il there is any doubt ai to 
ihe fact being aa wo have stated, let any one buy a pigeon pie at a 
]Mutry-cook's, let him compare the protruding claws or " looteus " with 
the number of birds below the crust, and if it is not found that there 
are four of the former to one of the latter, we will eat our owu words, 
and — what will be worse still— a Free-Trade pic. 



THE INDUSTRY OF ALL NATIONS. 

TfTB admirable propositioa of Peixcx Albert to hold in this country 
an Kxhibition of the Industry of alt Nations has excited unusu&l interest, 
wiiicb has extended even to the ekevaiiers ^induAirie of France, — an 
order which it is expected will be largely repreeenled at the fortbooming 
gAthering. These gentlemen will, it is expected, exhibit various proofs 
of their mdustry, wliich ia emphatically the industry of all nations, for 
there is not a nation on the earth which does not contain among ita 
people aevaral who have at (heir fingers* ends the industry alluded to. 
buoti arrangements will, however, no doubt, be adopted, as vrill restrain 
the specimens of this sort of industry within as narrow limits as possibtcL 
and any ckextalier found in the practice will, whatever his apparent 
station, be brought at once to the station of police in the immediate 
neighbourhood. I^ is said that most of the American States will con- 
tribute specimens of their ingenuity, but Pennsylvania declines sendui? 
anything to Kngland, which contains already so many proofs of what it 
can do, in the shape of numerous creditors who have been doae by ita 
cunning device of repudiation. 



Sol. Will.- \^X\ 



^&n.^a>> 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



HEAVY BLOW AITD TOKAT DISCOURAGEMEHT. 



/"^v^ 



Wk wonder the ProtirctioiiiaU are not tired of continufcily hitting Sir Robert 
Peel. The sport must have grown rather monotonoiis by this time, especially to Sir 
RoBKKT, who mu5f. wish they would chooie some other Bubject for their thumps. 
We would recommend him to present that pugnacious corps with a handsome dummy 
of himsplf. It should be labelled, "Traitor ' on the breast, so as to excite their ire 
alt the more, tmd exhibited in the large room of the Carlton, or some other place of 
Tory resort, where it might be kept constantly on riew. By this means ttie Protec- 
tionisls wouid be able to vent their rage n^ainst their late chief to their hearts' content, 
and Sir RoBpat, by being well thumped in private, would probably receive fewer 
blows ia public. The fact of iU being a dummy, also, would bring it perfectly 
on a level with the understandings of those wliose only public aim for tne but three 
years has consisted iu abusing the cleverest man (next to Benjamin Diskaeu, of 
course,) of their party. 





A GOVERNOR BURIED ALIVE. 

One of the most eitnordinary ewes of rrematuro 
interment tliat has ever come to our knowledge hat 
recently been given in the German, and 'copied into 
the English newspapers. A remarkable feainre of the 
affair is that the sepulture has been quite voluntary on 
the part of the individual buried, and that he has 
caused the vault to which he has consigned himself to 
be fitted up with ranch splendour, as if he waa under 
the influence of a kind of vaulting ambition, which he 
has taken those onusoal means to graUfy. The annexed 
paragraph, which baa almost as much of the gay as of 
the grave about it, will explain the circumstonoea under 
whicD a Governor has become, as it were, his own 
Shillibeer, and performed his own funeral: — 

"Tbfl oflld In u wrere ftt KnmtAcliAttu tlut the G^renor hu 
bom eompellei to <iiiH Us nsi»l riMldciiwa nt BL Fvter and St. PBnt 
tA burr blfOMir ooder Uw eartb— th^ la to uj, b« luu retbrnl to 
his vnbtorauieui INitaoo^ vhlch li 90 metres below- gronnd, atwl U 
cApabloofaMommodftttiig aoopcnoni. Thti jiAltce ti MmpuUr 
llKhlKi] bf Umna. McNit wealthy private pcnonii have dwoUIon ot 
Ms fclnd, bat ft U ntnly cold ooongfa to uidnea them lo Bee tbuher 
for nfuge."— Hamburg Bar»mliaUi. 

This underground residence is evidenlly a luxury ib 
KamtMhatka, though we suspect that even in the coldest 
seasons that part of our population which lives in 
ntidergronnd kitchens or cellars from necessity, and not 
from choice, would willingly exchange their subterra- 
nean apartments with the chilly Governor, for the 
coldest garret in his doaiinions. His Kamtschatkian 
Highness can have little room for exerciee, and a walk 
about hia grounds must be anything but cheerful or 
salubrious. The fact of most wealthy persons having 
a subterranean residence, gives us the idea of high life 
below stairs being carried to the highest, or rather to 
the lowest, pitch in KatutschaLkian society. At the balls 
given in tne underground palace of the Governor, the 
dance moat in vogue is, of course, the Cellar-ius. 



Another Pee&aob. — It ia rumoured, onlv we do not 
believe the rumour, and hope the reader will di^pUy tJie 
same intelligence, that Ala. Disbaeli is to be made a 
Peer, for the purpose of getting him out of the Uouse 
of Commons, He will assume no title, it is said, but 
merely change his name to Uppeb Benjajov. 



4 

4 



SCENES FROM THE LIFE OF*AN UNPROTECTED FEMALE. 

MB, JOTTBS. A3 SOUS EEPAIUTION TOH TITX GREAT FAILUBE OF THE PRIVATE BOX, HIS WDTJCBD TUB nrPEOTBCTED FBMAM TO ACCOlCrAirT 

nxx TO a;? exeteb hail oratorio. 



I 



BCEVK.—Tke Sframd, near ExtUr Ualt, wUh the confusion incidenial to a 
Pridag nujht. Mr. Jopies and tha Ukpuotected Female make 
tMeir teaa wiik !*on« diMcuUg through the crowd of Orttnge-tettert, 
iSt'.lfta of Booh of th« Fefformanoe, Yendora of Tieiets, and TotUan 
for ocitdora of tickets. 

\al Toultr {at Cigar ahop-door). Tickets, Sir ? Only three left. 
Uerr Formes, to-night. Ma'am. Have 'em cheap. 

Unprotected Female {to Mr. Jones). You 've got tickets, Ma. JoNEa, 
of course ? 

Jonea {tcitk aome confusion). Why, no. We shall get 'em cheaper at 
the doors, I believe. They *re three Bhillings at the Hall. 

'ind fouler. Two tickets only. Sir— equal to reserved. I assure you 
you won't lind any further on. 

Unprotected Female {rheeking Mr. Jouks). There, Ma. JONBS, he says 
we slian't get any, further on. Hadn't we better ? 

Mr. Jones. How much are Ibey ? 

S«rf Twtter, Five shillings each, Sir ; and they're getting up sixpence 
a nunute. 

Mr. Joma (m/A the proper feehnff o/' a man who Kill not be imposed 
lapOH), Oh, stuiT! It's an imposition. We shall get 'em for balf-a- 
orown, at the cigar divan— I always do. 

Unprotected FemaU. It 'a a shame to let these people have tickets 
this way. 

Zrd foxier, TickeU, Sir. for ** The Oeation," The last, I assure 
yo", Mann. 

Unprotected Female (ich^j is reaolved to take the mutter out qf Mr. 
JONBS*s Aanda). How much, if you please? 

Srrf Touier. Six shilling*. Marm. You 'U get none novcres else 
imder seven. 



Jonea [verff indignatUly), Infernal imposition — We '11 get 'em at the 
Hall. Come on, pray ; come on. 

Unprotected Female. Oh! but why didn't you this morning P There, 
it's only a quarter to seven, and we shall never get placen. 

Mk Tovter. Tickets, Sir, tickets— only seven boh— Nothink under 
eight, at the 'All. 

Unprotected Female. There, I told you so — they're getting up. We 
might have had them for three, lix'sQopa further back. 

Mr Jonet. I '11 go back and get them. 

[/# aboHt to afiandon the Unprotected Female /or the purpose. 

Unprotected Female. Oh ! please. Mr. Jones — you mustn't leave me 
in this crowd. I shall be squeezea to death. Oh ! I '11 go with you. 
(TVy turn and make aftUile atmgple against ths tide). Oh, we must go 
on— We can't get back— Oh ! indeed. 1 won't go back. 

Joftsa {feeling hinaeff compromiH'd). Hero you, tickets. {Diafntrm 
sixteen ahtlliaga). By Jove, it 's ftbominnble of the directors. I '11 write 
to the Times — Sacred music, too. 

Unprotected Female. It 's just what I expected— 1 told you we ought 
to have got tickets before. 

Joaes {impalientlg, and feeling the has of his taoneji). Well, We 've got 
'em now, {jSotto voce). Dear enough, at the money. 

ITheif hope hg this time reaekad the Hall steps. The crowd already 
dense, 6ee<nnes denser and denser. Some ladies in the front ar$ 
airestdy gotng into hpsterica, and their gentlemen struggling mldip, 
trying to prorure them a suppljf of atr and elb^tc-room. 

Unproieded Female. Oh, it's ilreadful 1 Oh. Mr. Jo.vEa— Oh ! 
please, Sir— (7b a Stout Gentleman who has intruded the greater pari 
of a very large hcdy into the Unpb^ected FsUALB'tt standing room), 
Fleaae, you 're perfectly sitting uvwn me. 



4 



1 




PUNCH, OR TIIE LONDON CFIARIVARI. 



JoMt {indigmtntiy). Sir— do you hear? You're sitting upon thii 
ladr. 

Stout Omtleman {Ae/piftulp). Sir, evpi ao many people are silting upon 
me. I v'»' '* -'' iipou the lady more than I can help. 

T/Mf >,tle. Oh, I flbRlL be smothered— On, please fret off. 

Jon ■ :,j». Do you hear. Sir? Get off, will you. Sir,— this 

instant. 

Siout Geniiman. If they MI Ret off me. I don't like it. Sir, I can 
tell yoiu II nuLy be the *' Creation" but I '11 be hanged if it' s 
re-rreation. 

JoH^s (4arffptr/y). Sir, you're no gcuUeman. (T^ Stodt Ge^'TLEKAN 
nale-t no re/Jv), Sir, I insist ou your card. 

Sfofft OenthmaM. If you cnn get your band info my right coat pocket 
and won't take out my handkerchief,— you '11 find my cwd-caae. 
JiHfJt {httide hinmlf). Sir, you 're a hlackciiftrd. 
Uaproffcffd Fentah {toko knoKS JoVES's fuTif and chkalrous nainre). 
Oh — please— don't— M_R. Jon'e.s— Oh, Sir, never mind {to Stodt Gek- 
TLEMAN.) 1 dou't cate — I'm Quite comtortable— Oh dear, dear— (7%« 
prtxsurefrom witkotU auffmenU.) Oh !— Oh ! — 

Jone* (making ih« mo»t terrific efforU for space). Stand back, do; the 
lad V 'a fainting^ 

PatieiU Pfrtom. Sir, there are several ladies fainting. You must 
expect it if you bring females. 

UnprotttUfd Female [hy this time nearly uneottSCictt*, i$$iftHff tttto Isfe iiy 
tha word "ftmota "). Sir,— you 're no— 

[TU reti of the Kutence u crushed out by thi ru»k that follows on the 

openi/iff /f the doors. Mn. Jones and the Ukvrotected Femaus 

ore sfoept *>|p thestairs by the avatanehe. Mr. Jonks mei&e* the 

moit frantic efforts to retain his hold rf th4 UnrBOTECTED 

Fkmau:, but is separated from her, Hhe is l^ by the crowd at 

thf pay-place. 

Cheek-Takcr. Ticket. 

Unprotected Female. Oh, Mr. Joxes has got them. We've been 

aeparated. {Sees Mr. Jokes simpffUtig in ike sea of heads Mote.) Ob — 

there he ii — here — Mr. Jones — he's un here. 

[Tekor&pht wildly to Jones, teko at last is fitmg exhavstcd 
leside her, 
Jones ift» »ooH at he has recccfred breath). By Jove, it's ahttmeriir 
It's rascally— you ought lo be ashamed of lourselves. 

Cheei'Ttaer {impaisitely, as being accustomed to lueU adiiresses) 

Tickets. 

Joim (owiMa his ticTeets). I 'II wrife lo the papers — You sco if 1 don't 

Unprcmea Fitmale {in dre(tdof3om%'s tctalh lending to some new em- 

bantasmeHi). Oh — do come — please Mr. Jokes— you know he cau't 

help it. 

[They enter the Hall. The usual tcene presents itself; eteru seat is 
filled, tie lobbies are JiUcd with ittdiffnaHi ttanaers, and helpless 
pecpfe Kho have lost their parties ; a general tone tf rage 
mingled tcith wreUhedMcas^ prevail* tcwr this portion of the 
audience. 
Unprotected Female, Ob. there 'a not a single seat. 
Spectator J from behind. Move on in front — sil down — make way. 
/ones. By Jote — I must write to the papers — this is most scandalous. 
OenUemoH with a H'and. Now, Sir, you really must not block up the 
pAsaagee. 

Jonts (sarcastically). If you can show me where we 're to go. This is 
a pretty Harmonic Society — tliis is ! 
(jentleman trith a Wand. Abundance of room under the gallery. 
[Jones and the Unpbotected Female are graautlly hustled 
vnder (he (Jalleryj where all they cnn hear is a ttorm of hisses, as 
M. Costa comes into the Orchestra — and all they can see is the 
large t^a Stent Parly's back, immedialeiy in front <f them. 
Unprotected Female {Kho is broken doicn by disappointment and the effects 
^pressure). Oh — please— I can*t see the least, and I shall die ot the 
ue&i— ob— do. let's go borne— 

ICnesqf^' Shame, shame." "Costa, CosiA." JTuses. ''Return 

ike wumep" ^r., ^r., amidst which the 700 Performers burst into 

(he (^emng mcpement tfthe " Creation." 

JotM {maddened by a sense qf injustice, and the rufferings qf the 

TJkproTECTEO Fbiulb, u>ho is obviously preparing tofaitU). liit ua out 

—here— let us out. By Jote, we Ml have our money back. Make way 

for a lady who 's fainting. 

[£xtricatei the Unprotected Female tdth some trouble from the 
cfoied, and rrgains the CirErK-TAKEu's bos. The lobby is filled 
fcith a crowd in the same state of mind as Mr. Jones. 
Mr. Jones. Now— you. Sir— here— there's no room in the Hall— not 
R seat, by Jote— I want mr money back. 

Check-Taker {blandly), "ft here did you bny your tickets^ Sir f 
Jones. 1 bought Ihcrn of a fellow in the street, and paid sixteen sbillbgs 
for two. 

Check'l\»ker. You were cheated of ten shiJltngs, Sir. 
Jonet. And what do you mean by selling tickets to blackguards like 
Ibal P But 1 Ml expoee the system— I Ml write to the Ttmes. 

Cheek-Taker {wtiexireme poMeneu). If you had bought your tickets 
at the Hall, Sir, it wouldn't nave happened. 



Jones. Oh, bothers-Rive me back my money. 

Cheek-Taker. You really most apply to the gentleman you bought your 
tickets of. 1 'vo no doubt he '11 return the money. 

Jones. By Jove, this is swindling. At all events, you 'U give mo back 
my tickets. [Ciieck-Taeeh returns them. 

Jones {dasher cut qfthe Ball at well as the limp and shattered state t^ 
the Unprotected Fejui^ mil allow him). Here, hollo— cab— here, 
cab — 

[Runt wildly alonq the Strand for a cah, leaving the UKFROTEi 
FeKals at the door, more dead than alive. 

Speculatioe Mfan i/oUnprotectto Female). Buy your ticket, Mann. 

Unprotected Female. Oh, don't talk to me, Man. I don't sell ticket* 
— there 's no room inside. 

Jones. Here's a cab. By JoveI it's the most infernal shame thia 
lotting in more people than the place will bold. It's robbery. 

, . ,, „ [i^w/jUNraoTECTED Female w^ffM*. 

&te<vlatm Man. Bny your ticket*. Sir? 

Joses. How much will you give ? 

Speculatioe Man. Three-ano-Six. 

JoM. Here.* {Hands him the TiekeU, and takes (he money. 

Unprotected Female {indtguantfy). Oh, Mr. Jones, when you know 
there 's no room — How can you ? 

[Scene closet on her disgust oud Mr. JoNza'a humiiiation. 




THE STREET OPERA SEASON. 

KNERALLT before the opening of Her 
Mftjestj's and Covent Garden Theatres 
(for which Balfr and Costa are making 
tbeir usnal preparations,} the Street 
Opera season commences, and we now 
find Tocaliats, as well as instrumen- 
talists, in every walk along the public 
thoroughfares. 

The old stringed quartette of four 
blind double basses has reinforced its 
iustTumental power with a new stock 
of catgut, which supplies three or four 
strings that have uceu missing fur 
some years, and wc have now a com- 
pleteness of effect which was difficult 
to attain when the executants bad to 
deal with defective instruments. 

A seventh trombone has been added 
to the brass band of nine, and, in 
order to give effect to martial music, 
a triangle has been attached lo the 
elbow and knee of the comet ^-piston 
who readers his passages on both of 
his instrnmenls very conscientiously. The celebratea basso-prqfondo 
in ft sailor's costume has acquired fresh depth since last season by an 
extra hoarseness, wbicli gives great additionalirp/om^, at a alight sacniioe 
of power. His " fnil pou hoe me then at now?" may be looked upon 
OS a perfect triumph of nothing over everything.* 

We never recollect an instance in which, considering the smallness 
amounting almost to total absence of resoiuces, so much has been 
accomplished. Young Snooks, the runaway shop-boy, or, more properly 
speaking, the counter-tenor, has acquired considerable breadth in 
person, if not in style, since last season, and bis shake is more nervous 
— puiicularly when he sees a policeman coming — than it used to be. 
We witnessed the other day his extraordinary run up a passage, diver- 
sified with the most astonishing sold, while the baton of Policeman K., 
who acted as conductor on the occasion, was beating all the time. 



THE WOLF OF EXETER HALL. 

Soke little time ago we bad occasion to take coutemptnous notice o( 
the animadversions of a pseudo-sanctified newspaper culod the Record 
upon the directors of Exeter Hall for permitting SBAXEPEaiUE to be 
read in that half-conventicIe, half-concert room. The Exeter Hall 
directory, we understand, has objected to the further use of the Hall 
for SnAKSFEAUB readings, because certain Mawworm Societies 
renting portions of the ouilding, threatened to quit if any moro 
Shakspbabb were suffered in it. Yet songs,— many frivolous, not a 
few of questionable tendency, — are allowed every Wedncaday, where 
Shakspeabe's noble poetry and true philosophy may not b« beard. It 
has been remarked with disgust that among the Exeter Hall songs bu 
been included a coarse and vulgar one celeorating murder and roohery. 
and mng nowhere else bu» at Frw-and-Easies, called." y^? W^of^/* 
Mhal, however, is not the kind of Wolf that la the most odious there. 
The worst Exeter Hall Wolf— the Wolf with truly bideoua howl-is 
the Wolf in Sheep's Clothing. 



90 



PUNCH, OR TIIE LONDON CHARIVAIII. 



1 




EFFECT OF STOPPING THE GROG. 
"Couc ALONOj Jack, ht HZiJtTT ; notsino ukk lavino op rok 

RAIKT DAT, " 



THE SELF-ASSERTION OF SUNDAY. 

Backed by a numeronslT and respeoUbly Bifpied petition, I demand 
llic total discontinuance of Po»t-Omce Labour durin)? my twenly-four 
hours. Mr objection to such labour altogetber is quite different from 
the cant of my pretended partisans, who howled againa', Ministers for 
employio^ a few London postmen during part of me, in order ttint many 
postmen in the country throughout the wbole of me miphl rest. 

I repudiate the hypocritical sanotimonv that would make me a pretext 
for depririoK the jaaed citizen of a hewthful ficursioii, and denving a 
person Ihc means of conveyance to the sick bed of a friend or relative. 
I regard the man who wonid stop the railway (rains on my Account, and 
ret sllow his dinner to be cooked in spifc of me, as a miserable impostor. 
Kuf, apart from higher cons ideral ions, all who ix)ssibly can ought to 
faare a boUday osc« a week, and I am the dsy for it. I do not want to 
be forced upofn anybody, but this 1 will say: that to compel the con- 
scientious to disregard me is persecution ; and all should at least enjoy 
the option of obscrviiig me ; tuat ia to say. the Chriitiau Sabbath, or 

SUNDAT. 



OLD BAILEY CANNON-BALLS. 

Mn. Kdwji&d Kknealt, barrister and late candidate for Dublin 
UniTBfsity, has been held to bail to appear, without wig or gown, on 
the shad^ side of the Old Bailey bar, charged with the grossest cruelty 
to his child. We shall give no Ojiiiuou of the case, further than to hope 
that Ma. Kevkalt may clear Inmsclf of the accusation ; otherwise we 
know of no process that can return the learned gentleman, sweet and 
wholesome again to the fraternity of barristers. Mu. Bubsie, a legal 
(riend of the accused, very solemnly declared, that— 

" If h8 weat 14 tin ■wriooi, U voold ba Ua duty to dated a (nuul prindplo, uid 1m 
BbanUl «pMk cwiMw-talt* * 

If evidence bear out the charRC, we take it nothing short of cannon- 
balls can be of any avail to Ktk Kbnkalt ; certainly oanzton-balls 
discharged from hrus ordouoe. 



LOBD BROUGHAM'S EXHIBITION FOR 1850. 

LoKU Bhougiuh was among thft higher Westminster penonagrs 
wIm) met to discourse of the appointed Eihihitiou of 1851. Tliere was 
some excellent talk. The good Eaol or Cauusle delivered hiin«elf 
tti'h his characteristic earnestness and elegance. Then came Uie 
French Ambassador ; then Ijondon'a Bishop ; then PrusaU apoke 
through Cu£VALi£A BuNSEV- then America gave utteraoce, in the 
words of Mu. Law&smcb. All proceeded in the most cordial mantier 
everybody full of satisfaction, erervbody animated by the hearty 
enlightened sentiments varionsly delivered. This unanimity, bow< 
could hardly please Lodd BEOtroBAM. The cordmlity of the mi 
was almost an affront to himself; it was plain, he was restless uni 
the good-humour delivered and enjoyed .loout him. Whereupon. Ke 
got himself to move a resolution, that, after his best mar-— ' - -' ' 
throw two or three smiths and crackers amongst the rtj 

gathered together, rfis Lordship was. of course, sucoMilLi _ 

but cheers and plaudits had hern lieain until Lord BRoroaaJl opennl 
his mouth. Then came the differoocej for bin Lordship — departicr 
from a consideration of the things to he exhibited at iIm 
mercial festivnl of 1^51 — suddenly fell upon that d 
constables, Ap;il 10. l^tS; that dtiy when ever v one held .....,..,. ..,^, 
to keep the peace, and pertVctly succeeded. Adverting to the aighla to 
be presented to the eycB of our foreign i^ucsts— 

" Ha bofNxl «(i iljuuld nut 1mt« fbm bvabtcv fartbrr, of cltovtBg Uub— tel Ifay^tfttna 
RTOM, «-• aliould ■buwUteiu-bovhereiuoh xpf«lul«*«iChftt ni Um lOtti of AtPiil, LMS, 
an KCSlrcd." {CM^tn amd HiM*t.) 

Then, pteaiantly atimulated by the sibilation, Brouoham oonlinued, 
•ayin*:— 

" W« shnuld thaw tbam thftt, altbooflt pnftattnai art taUs on n6k ac i C Mtana by 
the QuKu's GovcmiHiit to p wwy .tb* QuB8a*a p«Mo. «ueh pffvpsmllMM mm not 
TMwdvd, for UiAt llM ettiMM tiMtBMlm at me* put down, m qulaity ■> «aRstaaUy, thm 
mlMnbledaiptttUSAUeiDptatdlalDrlwiee," {UtMmwd Cktttt mrtdUMta.) 

It ia with thia feeling that, as we understand, Lohd BBOUoaAV pro- 
poses to contribute an instruraent that, in the very triumptt of tlie 
show, shall— like the skeleton at the Egyptian banquet— call up dismal 
thought.% to overcast and sadden the revel. On the 10th of April, 1W8. 
Lord Broughaji was a most distinguished Special Constable; the 
adniiration of servant maids, and the terror of little bovs, who — when 
become the oldest inhabitants of their |^ish—wiil no d-^ i>f-ir 

great-grand-children of the grace and agility of Bkouoii.'. x. 

Well, it ia his Lordship'b intention to contribute to the Laoh^i m.xi t-be 
identical sta6f— now a precious thing, MX^rt of history—with which he 
entered on his special duty. That stafT, in the like manner tbatirws 
and cedars are dwarfed into trees of inches— that Bt«ff contains within 
itself the whole bulk and mauiveness of the British oak- The acorn 
wsa planted by Oaractaccs — the burk of the flouriahiog tree was 
carred by KlNO AtrftED, and the whole timber compresicd into one 
small weapon for the special hands of a RnouGiiAii. Keflrrling on the 
origin and history of the staiT. we are not surprised that, even at su 

KacefuJ a meeiiog as that of the inliabitanta of Weslmmsler. bta 
jrdsbip should flouri&h the bit of oak about him, with the vivacity of 
an Irishman at Donnybrook Fair. 



CHANCERY IN DANGER. 
{DroMghi Iff a PftitiOH to th€ Uoute tf Conmoru.) 

We, the imdcrsigned, loyal subjects of Her Majesty, warmly at- 
tached to all our time-honoured institutions, and in particular to the 
High Court of Chancery, beg leave humbly to approach your Honourable 
Houi^e. and pray you not to pass any measure calculated to abridge or 
simpUfy the proosedings of that Court, wherein we, your Petitionera, 
have vested interests. 

We submit that practitioners in equity have a presoriptive right to 
a portion of thn property of this country, represented by the average 
amount which is spent in litigation rcspeclmg the same. 

We are prepared to furnish your Honourable House with retnroa^ 
showing tbe number of suicides and cues of insanity, referrible, durinip 
a term of years, to the working of the Court of Chancery. We entreat 
you to consider that inquests are generally iiaid for at so much eaoba 
that cases of derangement give rise to commissions of lunacy, and aUo 
exert a material influence on tbe number of inmates uf asyluma for Ihs 
insane. We therefore implore /our Hongurable House not to assent to 
any measure, which, by limiting the operation of Chancer/ in tha 
rea^jecla aboveineutiuut'd. will diminish the customary business, and 
abridge the regular gtuus of your pvtiliuuers. And your petitioners aa 
by interest buuud will ever vote. &c. 

*,* licft at our Office for signatare by all Equity Drangbtaoien* 
Ctiancery Barristers, Coroners, and Keenen of Lunatic AsTlumt. 




mm 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



91 



NOOKS AND CORNERS OF CHARACTER 




THE BOLD SMUGGLER WHO WALKS THE STREETS. 

You know the Bold Smiift^ler at once, because there unotbingnaafic&l about his appear&nce> 
Hedoei ootwear a bluc-atriped shirt — nor pumps — nor a belt^ — nor a straw hat — nor loose 
caavaa trousers. More tiian this, to prove how Utile he has to do with the sea, he wears 
braces. He looks infinitely more like a stolen -dog-seller lliau a Bold SmuKgler, 

The Smuggler's haunts are principally at shop windows. The Wfst End is bis favourite 
cruise. Ue picks up the best prixes iu the rich cbannets of Regent Street. 

The way in which the Smuggler captures a prize is very c»sy. When a simple- looking craft 
anchors in front of a print shop, he mns in alongaide of him. He pours a broad»idr, a very 
mild one at first, rising no hiKncr than a whisper, such as, " D* ye want any cigars, Sir P you 
shall have 'em very cheap." But if that makes no impression, the next broadside is thrown in 
a little stronger, being compounded of " Chinay dresses — walenicenea lace — French cambric 
bankyobiefs — lojayshftwU," and simitar deadly ingredients, that are generally fatal for presents. 
But the joung crut ntostfy surrenders at the first shot, and then all the Smuggler has to do 
is to tow him quietly into some secluded little creek, where be can plunder him at his leisure. 

This towing retjuirea most clever tacking. The Preventive Service (the Police) may be on 
the Iook>ouli, and give ebasc. This seldom occurs, however, for the Smuggler knows all the 
itations of the Police, and manages to steer pretty clear of them. 

The Prize at last is run on shore. The bay is a public-house in some narrow inlet of a street. 
They rail rapidly tlirough the bar, — clear the yard at the back — and there, into sonic dark cave 
of a waahhouse, where neither the eye of man, nor the bull's-eye of tlie police, can penetrate, 
is the prire quietly hauled. It ia all done without a breath bting heard. The Smuggler baa 
long oeued to aay a syllabic in favour of his " prime cheroots." There is not even the 
creaking of a boot to disturb the silence of the gloom. 

A door ia unlocked. The Prise is requested to walk in. No hospitable ray shines from 
within to guide his wavering steps. The Smuggler in charity seizes Ms band, and acts as 
a friendly lugger to the unhappy craft he has captured. 

The first sound that ^tes upon the ear of the sleeping silence is the striking of a lucifer- 
match. In another minute a weak tallow candle endeavours to throw a li^ht on tiie black- 
neft of the scene. There is more silence, more darkness, and more hicifer-matches. At 
Jaat the candle is really lighted, and illuniiuates the thick figure of a second Smuggler, that 
during the straggle has tiptoed into the gloomy cave. 

Then the plunder begins. Wliat rich sluiwls are unfolded, and iicli up in all their breadth. 
and draped over the Smuggler's expansive shoulders, to display their inviting richness * 
They seem large enough to cover llyde Park, and with colours so gay that a ladv would not 
be nappy till sne bad folded them to her lienrt.. Cambric stores are curiously fingered and 
riolenlly stared tbrougb, to investigate their delicate fineness. Little violet- coloured boxes, 
fail or the creamieat laoes, as tender as cobwebs, are emptied on the dirty table, whilst 
the Bold Smugglers exchange entertaining fables about their marvellous origin and value. 

Bat where are the cigars? True! Jiu will run out and fetch the box. It doesn't do to 
keep their store here on account of the Excise. They're so precious sharp. 

The Smuggler No. 3 is soon back again. He couldn't find the box, but he can give 
tbe genM'man two or three as a specimen of the lot. I'heyVe the primest llawannahs, and 
ooolon't be had not for three times the money anywhere else. 

The cigars are liihted. The gen'I'man has his donbta as to their authenticity, and modestly 
•Kpreases tbem. This opinion is bluntly resented by both Smugglers, and one of them tikea 
the liberty to bolt the waabbouse door. 



Hereupon the Priie geti alarmed. He gently 
etatea that he does not wish to make any par- 
chaaei to-day, and binti a pressing desire to go 
home — a desire which clicita all the ferocious 
daring of the Smuggler. He plants his big back 
against the door, and roughly insinuatea *'that 
trick won't do. He doesn't stir from this 'ere 
place till he Itas bought sumfin. It *a very likely 
they 're a going to let him loose to ran and give 
information agin* 'em. They've been served 
that dodge once too often. How do they know 
he 's not an Excise OIBcer in disguise P So he 
must purchase sumfin, and then he 's as much in 
their power, as they are in hi&'n. The gen'l'mn 
must excuse him, but they're poor folk, and 
they can't risk their necks on the igh aeaa just 
to be pub in jail for nuffen." 

Tliere is no escape. The Prize, evidently, will 
not be sent adrift till he has be^n cleaned out. 
The Smugglers look threatening. Their black 
faces grow blacker with ra^ — they whisper 
together, and growl and coogb mott forebodingly. 
The Prir.e amends his opinion touching the cigars. 
They are not ao bad as he thought at first. A 
negociation of peace ia (hen entered into, and he 
ultiiiiately puts down two pounds for a box of 
the " best Hawannahs," and a couiile of cambrio 
handkerchiefs. 

The money is paid, and the Smuggler re- 
minds him that tbeV have not got the cigars with 
them. But he wiU give the gen'l'man a receipt 
for the money, and he promises the box shall 
be left to-morrow at the Fleece Inn, in Holbom, 
before six o'clock. What name shall it be left 
in? 

The Prize gives his card, the goods are packed 
away in their former hiding place, and ue and 
the Bold Smugglers saunter out together. Aa 
they pass through the bar, he ia astonished to 
bear the landlord call one of bis comrades back 
with the curious intimation "that those four 
cigars have not been paid for." 

Por a whole week he enqoirea regularly once 
a day. at the Fleece Inn, "ii a box of cigars has 
not been left there in the name of Abaji 

SrXPLBTOM P " 

Ah for the cambrio handkerchiefs, they are 
given to the housemaid the next da^ for dusters. 
A month afterwards our Prize hails in Regent 
Street the self-same Smuggler. He tells him ttut 
he has never received the Havannahs. and inno- 
cently requests to have his two potmas returned 
to him. 

The Bold Smuggler laughs boldly in his 
face, and den>iugl)ts acquaintance, aa well at 
his debt, gives him more than the amount of it 
iu abuse and blackguardism — for every Smogftlet 
knows that however rich a Prize may be the firkt 
time, there is no chance of ever catching him a 
second. 

Youn^ Prizes that Uoat up from the country, 
laden with boundless treasures, should beware of 
the Bold Smugglers ttiat infest the streets of 
London ! You invariably pay through the nose 
for smuggled goods more especially for cambric 
pocket handkerobieta and cigars. 



The Very L*teat flecreL 

PtJNCii believes he ia grossly violating Minis- 
terial coufidence. in stating, that a certain worthy. 
wise, and weighty Alderman is about to bo raised 
to the peerage, ny the style and title of Bahon 

OVBRTW£3fTT8TOIie. 



THD 5EW PEEB. 

Ttb Banker Lord must have his name destroyed: 
The Peerage must be pure— no Peer, aLlotd. 



OLD SATING (KEW VEXSTOlO. 

Don't cake " came to a Snig** End. 



92 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



THE TBEE OP LIBEIITY IN FEANCE. 




Down, Frenchmen, with your Tree of Liberty, 

The wretched emblem of an empty boast ! 
Clear ye awa^ the sapless mockery, 
Now, nothing but an inconTenient post ; 
And chop it into logs to bom. 
That it may serve some uaefol tarn. 

" Sapless, you say. Good 8trang[er, look again, 
And you 'U mscem it is a living tree." 
In faith 'tis true— its buds I see qnite plain, 
Blossom and leaf, distinct as they can be. 
Nay^ I can e'en distinguish now, 
Fruit, thick and full, on every bough. 

Seeming, erewhile, a dead old poplar— lo !— 

—Only to think how outward sense deceives ! — 
View*d closer, 'tis a flourishing wild aloe, 
For prickles having bayonets ; swords for leaves : 
And it bears cannon-shot, and bombs, 
And musket-bolletB for its plums. 

To the revision of the mind's eye, thus, 

Paris, thy Tree of Liberty appears, 
Which thou didst plant, with such a world of fuss, 
Since but a little less than two short years : 
Sword-law and Soldier-rule its fruit — 
A mighty Tree indeed— to thooL 

To outward view 'tis still a wither'd trunk, 

What other was it ever like to be P 
Transplanted— sure, by people mad or drunk— 
In its green youth, wnat nope of such a Tree ? 
If Freedom's timber you would grow. 
You must not think to rear it so. 

No : first, your care most duly set in earth 
The seed— your acorn is the only kind— 
And then the Tree must be inurea, from birth. 
To brave the nipping frost and stormy wind, 
And oft the bgntmng to defy. 
Heaching its proud arms to the sky. 

This is the sole true Tree of Liberty, 

Fixed in the soil with everlasting^ roots ; 
Beneath its shade thrives peaceful mdustry j 
Pounds, Shillings, Pence, and Order, are its fruits. 
Then bum your Maypoles, worthy folk, 
And cnltivate the British Oak. 



A. MODEL WOXAK. 

Wb hear that a statue— an embodiment of the perfection of a w(Nnan 
— ia about to be erected on the heights of Fouutone ; a statue that 
shall cany with it a great moral lesson. It ia no other than the Statue 
of a Woman (about to travel)— with only one portmanteau ! 



How TO AsYAVcs or this WosLD.— Let your advances be like 
those of a pawnbroker, who never makes a single advance unless he is 
quite sure that " it is the ticket."— (^ Prophetic Soul, 



WAITING AT THE STATION. 

We are amongst a number of people waiting for the Blackwall tndn 
at the Fenchurch Street Station. Some of us are goin^ a little farther 
than Blackwall — as far as Gravesend ; some of us are going even farther 
than Gravesend — to Port Philin, in South Australia, leaving behind the 
pairiajines and the pleasant fields of old England. It is rather a queer 
sensation to be in the same boat and station with a party that is going 
upon so prodigious a journey. One speculates about them with more 
than an ordinary interest, thinking of the difference between yoor fate 
and theirs, and that we snail never behold these faces again. 

Some eipbt-and-thirty women are sitting in the large Hall of the 
station, with bundles, baskets, and light bagp;age, waiting for the 
steamer, and the orders to embark. A Tew friends are taking leave of 
them, bonnets are laid together, and whispering going on. A little cry- 
ing is taking place ; — only a verv little crying. — and among those who 
remain, as it seems to me, not tnose who are going away. They leave 
behind them little to weep for ; they are going from bitter cold and 
hunger, constant want and unavailing labour. Why should they be 
soiry to quit a mother who has been so hard to them as our country has 
beenP How many of these women will ever see the shore again, upon 
the brink of which they stand, and from which they will depart in a few 
minutes more P It makes one sad and ashamed too, that they should 
not be more sony. But how are you to expect love where you have 
given such scan;^ kindness P If you saw your children glad at the 
thoughts of leaving you, and for ever : would you blame yourselves or 
them P It is not that the children are unfprateful, but the home was 
unbappy. and the parents indifferent or unkmd. You are in the wrong 
under whose government they only had neglect and wretchedness; not 
they, who can t be called upon to love such an unlovely thing as miseiy, 
or to make any other return for neglect but indifference ancfaversion. 

Vou and I, let us suppose ag^, are civilised persons. We have been 
decently educated : and live decently every day, and wear tolerable 
clothes, and practise^ cleanliness : and love the arts and ^aces of life. 
As we walk down this rank of eight-and-thirty female emigrants, let us 
fancy that we are at Melbourne, and not in London, and that we have 
corne down from our sheep-walks, or clearings, having heard of the 
arrival of forty honest, well- recommended voung women, and having a 
natural longing to take a wife home to the oush — which of these would 
you like P If you were an Australian Sultan, to which of these would 
you throw the liandkerchief P I am afraid not one of them. I fear, in 
our present mood of mind, we should mount horse and return to the 
countrv, preferring a solitude, and to be a bachelor, rather than to put 
up witn one of these for a companion. There is no f(irl here to tempt 
you by her looks : (and, world-wiseacre as vou are, it is by these you are 
principaliy moved)— there is no pretty, modest, red-cheeked, rustic, — no 
neat, trim, little grisette, such as what we call a gentleman might cast 
his eyes upon without too much derogating, and might find favour in 
the eyes of a man about town. No ; it ia a homely bevy of women with 
scarcely any beauty aniiDD};st them— their ctothes are decent, but not 
the least pictiiresuue-^tlieir faces arc ijale and care-worn for the most 
part — h[>w, iIldeea^ sbouild it be otherwise, seeingthat they have known 
CBXc and want all their days?— there they ait upon bare oenches, witk 
dingy bundleSf and great, cotton uuibrellaa— and the truth is, you are not 
a hardy colonist, a feeder of fibeep, a feller of trees, a hunter of kan- 
garoos—but a lrf>ndon niRn and my lord the Sultan's can^bric handker- 
chief 13 scented with Bond Street perfiuiiery — you put it in your pocket, 
and couldn't give it to any one of these women. 

They are not like you. indeed. They have not your tastes and feelings : 
your education and remiements. They would not understand a hundrMl 
things which seem perfectly simple to you. They would shock you a 
hundred times a day bv as many deficiencies of politeness, or by out- 
rages upon the Queen^s Englisn— by practices entirely harmless, and 
vet in your eyes actually worse than crimes— they have large hard 
Lands and clumsy feet. The women you love must have pretty soft 
fingers that you may hold in vours : must speak her language properly, 
and at least when you offer her your heart, must return hers with its 
h in the right place, as she whispers that it is yours, or you will have 
none of it. Il she says, " Hedward, I ham so unappy to think I shall 
never beold you agin,"— though her emotion on Icavmg you might be 
perfectly tender and genuine, you would be obliged to laugh. If she 
said, "Hedward, mv art is yours for hever and never," (and anybody 
heard her), she might as well stab you.— you couldn't accept the most 
faithful affection offered in such tenns--TOU are a town-brecf man, I say. 
and your handkerchief smells of Bond Street musk and millefleur. A 
sun-burnt settler out of the Bush won't feel any of these exquisite 
tortures, or understand this kind of huighter : or object to Molly 
because her hands are coarse and her ancles thick : but he will take 
her back to his farm, where she will nurse his children, bake his dough, 
milk his cows, and cook his kangaroo for him. 

But between you, an educated Londoner, and that woman, is not the 
union absnrd and impossible P Would it not be unbearable for either f 
Solitude would be incomparably pleasanter than such a companion.— 



p 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



93 



day. That however la not- ttie point -. l am noi TaiKing 
luueu to wbicb your worship may be poiwibly obliged to 
It- as you Ray, " to keep up your rank in fpcietv "— onJy 
bib immense locial difference does exist. Yoa don't like 



Tou might take ber vith a handsome fortune perhaps were you starring; 
bat then it is because you-w&nt a liOuM and carringe. let us lay, (witr 
necessaries of life.) and must have them even if you purcbase them 
with your precioua person. You do as mucti, or your sister does as 
jnucti, every-day. That however is not the point -. I am not talking 
about the meanness 
stoop, in orde 

stating that this 

to own it : or don't choose to talk about it, and such things had much 
better not be spoken about at all. I hear your worship say, there must 
be diffcrenoes of rank and ao forth ! M'cll I out with it at once, you 
don't think Mollt is your cgual — nor indeed is she in the possession 
of many artificial aoquircnicnls. She can't make Latin verses, for 
example, as you used to do at school, she cjin't speak French and Italian 
as your wife very likely can, &c.— and in so far Bue ia )our iuferior, and 
your amiable lady's. 

But what I note, what I marvel at^ what I acknowledge, wliat I am 
whnmcd of, what ia contrary to Christian morals, manly modesty and 
> 'Mbty, and to the national well-being, is that there should be that 
iitiMiense social disticciion between the well-dressed classes (as, if you 
wili i)cmiit me, we will call ourselves) and our brethren and sisters in 
the fustian jackets and pattens. If you deny it for your part. I say 
that you are mistaken, and deceive yourself woefully. 1 sny that you 
have been educated to it through Gotbic ages, and Imve bad it handed 
down to you from your fathers (not that they were anybody in parti- 
cular, bat respeclabic, well-dreised progeuifors, let us say for a genera- 
lion or two) from your well-dressed fathers before you. How long ago 
is it, that our prcaclicrs were teacbing the poor *'to know their 
station f" that it was t he peculiar boast of Englishmen that any man, 
the huotbleat among us, could, by talent, industry and good luck, hope 
to take his pUoe in tlie aristocracy of his country, and that we pointed 
with pride to Lord This who wa& the grandson of a barber ; and to 
£ar] Tha^ whose father was an Apothecary 1* wliat a multitude of most 
respectable folks pride themsclvea on these things sliU ! The gulf is 
not impassable, because one man in a million swims over it, and we 
hail him for his strength and success. He has landed on the bappr 
island. He is one of tlio aristocracy. Let us cUp hands and applaud. 
There's no country like ours for rational freedom. 

If you go up and speak to one of these women, as tou do (and very 
good-naturedly, and you can't help that oonfoundea cgndesceDsion) 



like their betters, and call them counter-jumpers, snobs, and what not ; 
of bia workmen we know nothing, how pitilessly they are ground down, 
bow they live and die. here close by us at the backs of our bousea; 
until some poet like Hood wakes and sin^s that dreadful " Song ij 
th6 Shirt ; " some prophet like Cabxtxe rises up and denounoea woe; 
somedear sighted, energetic man like tbewriterof the ChrcnicU \tMfA% 
into the poor man's country for as, and comes back with bis tale of 
terror and wonder. 

Awful, awful poor man's country 1 The bell rings and these eigbt- 
and'thirtr women bid adieu to it. rescued from it (aa a few thousands 
more wili be) by some kind people who are mlereited in their t>ehalf. 
In two hours more, the steamer lies alongside the ship CnUodtn, which 
mi\\ bear them to their new home. Here are the bertha aft for the un- 
married women, the married couples are in the midships, the bachelors 
in the fore-part of the ship. Above and b^-Iow decks it swarms and 
echoes with the bustle of departure. The Emigration Conunissioner 
conips and caUs over their names - there are old and young. Urge 
families, numbers of children already accustomed to the ship, and 
looking about with amused nnconscioosncss. One was bom but just 
now on board; he will not know how to speak English till be is tiliecn 
thousand miles away from home. 8onie of I hose kind people whoso 
bounty and benevolence organised the Female Emigration SoieaBiare 
here to gi\'e a last word and shake of the hand to their oro^lc^^. They 
bang aadly and graiefuUv rouud their patrons. One oi them, a oierty- 
man, who haa aeroteti Limself to this good work, aayi a few wordJs to 
) hem at parting. It is a solemn minute indeed--for those who (with 
the few thousand who will follow them,) are leaving the country and 
escaping from the question between lich aud poor; and what for those 
who remain ? But, at least, those who go will remember that in their 
' misery here they found gentle hearts to love and pitv them, and generous 
bands to give them succour, and will plant in the new country this 
grateful tradition of the old.— May Heaven's good mercy speed tUomI 



I 



she curtsies and holds down her head meekl/.and replies with modesty, 
as becomes her station, to your honour with the clean shirt and the 
well-made coat. And so she shouM ; what hundreds of thousands of 
us rich and poor say still. Both believe this to be bounden duty \ and 
that a poor person should naturally bob her head to a rich one physically 
and moraliy. 

Let us get her last curtsey from her as she stands here upon the 
English snore. When she gets into the Australian woods her back 
won't bend except to her labour ; or, if it do, from old habit and the 
reminiscence of t lie old country, do you suppose her children will be 
like that timid creature before you? They will know nothing of that 
Gothic Boeiety.witb its ranks and hierarchies, its cumbrous ceren^onies, 
its glittering antique paraphemnlia, in which we have been educated ; 
in which ricQ and poor stUl acquiesce, and which multitudes of both 
still admire : far removed from these old world traditions, they nill be 
bred up in the midst of plenty, freedom, manly brotherhood. Do you 
think it your woryhip's grandson goes into the Australian woods, or 
meets the grandchild of one of yonder women by the banks of the War- 
mwarra, the Australian will take a hat off or bob a curtsey to the new 
comer f He will hold out his baud, and say. *' titrauger, come into my 
house and take a shakedown and have a share of our supper. You 
come out of the old country, do you ! There was some people were kind 
to my grandmother there, and sent her oat to Melbourne. Times arc 
chunked eiucti (hen— come in and welcome ! " 

\Vhat a oonfession it is that we have alniost all of us been obliged to 
make ! A clever and earnest-minded writer gets a commission from 
the Morning Chronicle newspaper, and reports upon the state of our 
poor in London; he goes amongst labouring people and poor of all 
Kinds— and brings back what ? A picture of numan life so wondcrfij, 
so awful, so piteous and pathetic, so exciting and terrible, that readers 
of romances own they never read anything like to it ; and tlut the 
griefs, struggles, strange adventures here depicted exceed anything that 
any ol us could imagine. Yes; and these wonders and! terrors have 
been lying by your door and mine ever sinoe we had a door of our own. 
Wo had but to go a hundred yards off mid see for ourselves, but we 
never did. Don t we paypoor-rates, and are they not heavy enough in 
the name of patience r Very true ; and wc have our own private pen- 
sioners, and give Away some of our Kupertluity, very likely. You are 
not unkind ; not ungenerous. But of Aur.h wondrous and complicated 
misery as this you confess you Imd no idea? No. How should you P— 
you Bjid I— we are of the upper classes ; we have bad hitherto no oom- 
luuiiity with the poor. We never speak a word to the servant who 
waits on us for twenty years ; we condescend to employ s tradesman, 
keeping him at a proper distance, mmd — of course, at a proper distance 
—we laugh at his young men, if they doooe, jig, and amuse themselves 



A HINT FOR A WEW HANSAED. 




. nx idea eugmted to 

us by the foUoiring 
paragraph from the 
Tioits of Monday 
pleased us mightily : 

"In Batariiy*! naper, 

Lphlctf w 



' ^^-^ WM omitted In the sum- 
marv of tb« tSolMte In tbe 
HooM at Coonumii, «ihI 
tlio oindiulua stuibutad 
to Ma. BBrxdLDf." 



ra 



4 



An "accident" of 
this nature seems to 
be such a very lucky 
one, that the occur- 
rence of a few more 
such "accidents," which might easily be "done on purpose," would 
be an immense boon to the Newspaper KeadingComiuunity, 

The occasional omission of the first half of one speech, and the last 
half of another, would effect a saving of exactly fifty j>er oent on the 
whole amount, and wotild cause an economv of the editor's space and 
the reader's time, that both parties would appreciate. Considering 
how many speakers come to a conclusion quite independent of wtua 
thev have been alleging in the first portions of their harangues^ ther« 
could not be much harm done by the reporters now and then beginning 
at the end of a speech, or leaving oO* in the middle. A much mora 
truthful picture of the debates would thus be afforded, for many of tha 
orators speak to no practicable end ; and, of a great many others, thtt 
only valuable part of the speech is the conclusion or stoppage. 

It must have been rather annoying to the parties concerned in tha 
above typographical melange, but we dare say 8in Jomr Walsh's 
wind-np diaqutte as well without anv commencement of its own, and 
that MiL Rbtnolds's exordium fitted in at the beginning, just as well 
as the one that had been made for it. We wish our daily coutemporary 
would introduce a series of these Parliamentary cross-readings, br 
which a great portion of the debates that are now without any inUntc 
at all, could be made amusing at any rate. 



Wanted, a Few Bubbles. 

Mb. PiTifCH. having read with extreme emotion thai there is tha 
uixinf amount of £I7>(XX),000 in the Bank cellars,— calls upon tha 
ingenious and craving to come forth like men, ami blow a few bubbles I 
Any sort of bubble wiU do. if it only have the tint of nordtv. No old 
hanid nood apply, and no letter with the post-mark *' Sunderland " will 
ba taken in ; lest the compliment should be returned by tha writer. 




[We insert the subjoined account of a Bingular dream, as forwarded 
to na by a rotprctable afirncullunsi, with a request that Mr. Punch 
would " put un into his peanper if vo be he thought 'a wai worth a 
eorser ia *t^ aod had got room for uu."] 

'* Arter I 'd smoked nty pipe and drink'd my jog o' beer t'other night. 
I veil asleep in my arni-ctiair, and liadadreara. Seeminly I wds a riaun 
to market in my taxed-cart — yon koows what a taxed-cart is. T s'pose 
— Taxed!—! dooant know what bain*t taxed now-o-days; but iio 
matter. 

" I thouRht the old smootli road was all broke up, and 1 was a drinin* 
orer the bare Hint stones without Protection. The o&rt bumped and 
jotted along, and went slower and slower, till at last Blackbird stopped 
abort and oudn'i go no vurder. I geed un the whip, but 'twamt o* no 
um; and the old boss set to a kickin' ready to knock the trap all to 
pieces. 

"Thinks T, 'why, this herelooksaaif the cart was orerloaded, and yot 
I can't tee what wi'/ Whereupon mt eyes appeared to be opened, and 
then I £eed what I *d KOt in un. In the fust place, a cart-load of gurt 
Moks. as I rancied. When I come to look ctoier at 'em I found they 
was taxes. 

" There I zee the Hop firound Tax, and tlie Hop Duty as well ; the 
Fruit-Ground Tax, the Molt Tax, the Ijmd Tax, the Poor's Rate, the 
Highway Itate, the Gbarch Kate, the County HaCo. and I dooan't know 



how many moor rates and faxes. ' Dasb my buttons ! * 1 sex to myself. 
* you may well call a carridge like this a Taxed Cart.' 

" But besides all thip, lo iind behold vou, I found I was carryun' com- 
pany wi' me. Lookun' over my slioulaer — orer the riglit as well as the 
left, Mr. Ptineh .'—who should 1 dijcover but the Landlord and tbe 
Paason, one o' one side and t'other o' t'other. The Landlord was 
squatted on a sack stulTed wi* Rent, and the Psaaon was a straddle over 
anoiber cram full o' Tithes. 

'"No wouder,' I lieer'd a voice say, "you can't git on. Farmer.' I 
looked out, and there was a stranger, though I thought 1 recollected a 
likeness of un draad in yoiir oeeaper. 

'"Hollo!* aectheLandlord, 'iiere 'a that feller CoBDES— bless him I' 

" ' Amen ! ' answers his Reverence. 

"'You're tryin' to goo the old way to the old market,' says t4ie 
stranger. ' You can't do it.' 

" • Which ii the way. then ? ' sez L 

" ' That 'ere turain' to the right,' a sez, and piafa to a finger-pooaat 
directun' 'To Financial Rkfohu.* I turned the bosses head to the 
road be shov'dme; olf slaried old Blackbird directly full h^\\i'. Uie 
Faason and the Lanillord suog out, * Slop ! ' and I woke with their 
holl«run', and found 'twas a dream. 

"Not all a dream, tbougb, Mr. Ptinrh, and mark my words, you may 
'pend upon *t. that what I dreamt— and moor than some follu dreamt of 
—will alore long come true." 



HINT TO THE HUMANE SOCIETY. 



The Humane Society dined togelher last week at the Frremuoas' 
Tavern. In the course of the evenings number of persons who had 
been resoufd from drowning by the Society marched in procession 
through the room. Among the number was the illuatrious Soteb, who. 
as the world knows, was nearly " glacj en gurpristi" the other day 
while skating, and was preserved to culinary and political Keform by tlie 
Society's means. We notice the appearance of M. Soteb for the 
purpose of recording the n-i^h that he may have presided, on this occa- 
sion, over the preparation of the dinner of a Society that so well de- 
served a good one. After saying thus much, we may be excused for 



recommending that the Humane Society should extend the sphere of 
ils oneration. Why should its benevolence take an exclusively aquatic 
tumV In the metropolis, at least, more })ersons die by gas than by 
water. Let the Society lend its aid in dimmishing the mortality oeea- 
sioned by the sulphuretted hydrogen which is exhaled by our filthy 
drains. Or. still keeping to its favourite element, suppose it en- 
deavoured to obtain a pure water supply for Tendon. Were the 
attempt successful, it would save many addiiion&l lives; for such 
water aa Londonera mostly driiik poisons greater numbers than it 
drowns. 



F 



IP 





GULLIVER AND THE BROBDINGNAG FARMERS. 

"He cjilleil his hinds about him, and asked them, (so I aflerwarda learued,) whether they had ever 
•cen ill the liclds miv little crentiu-e resembling me? " Vkk " Guiiiver't TraveU.'* 



I 



JUDICIAL AUCTIONEERS. 

UxnBBthe newAot for rele&tiner F'lionmbered Estates in IreUiul, 
tbe Jodget are empovered to tit in open court and dispose of land hj 
EQciioD. It ifl nothmg new to see pTo\)triy knocked down b^ due 
oourse of law. but tie prooesa of gettinff rid of it beneGcialljr to all 
partiea by legal proi^efls, is something no le«s original than agreeable. 

We hope the puffing a^stem will not be adopted, nor indeed do we 
fear that it wilf, for their Lordfihips arc dearly actuated by a deter- 
mination to " keep tbe thiug resiwcUble." We sliould be sorry to 
seethe court covered with placards announciDg "Little Paradisfes," 
"Unencumbered Elysiums." "Eligible realms of Freehold Bliss/' or 
with any of the other claptrap mooes of attracting attention to a sale 
by auction. We could pardon some such announcement as the 
following :— 

KR. BiBOX RICItASDS. 

admitted by detraction herself to 6e 

*' NOT A BAD JTTDGB " 

will, with the raluable ussiatancc of Dr. Longfielp, in their conjoint 
capacity of Government Gonimissiouers for the 

SALE OP IBISn EKCirUBEBED ESTATES, 

have the plfasure — if pleasure it may be termed withont a solecism — 
of submitting to Public Competition a splendidly unique and incom- 
parable aeries of 

LOTS OP LANDED FBOPEBTT, 

the whole of it beinf^ divested of Kucumbrauces in Mortgage, lUnt- 
Charge, &c., amounting to the astounding sum of 

EIGHT MtLUON POUNDS, 

which would undeniably go some way towards 

PAYING GPP THE NATIONAL DEBT. 

A more tempting opportunity of investing rapital ia that truly 
laudable, and, even u an EngUsliman, patriotic object, the cultivation 
of Irish soil, so earnestly advocated by the florid and convincing 
eloquence of 

BtR'ROBEBT ITIEL, 

never perhaps preaenfcd itself even to tbe fertile imagination of 

CAPABILITT BEOWV. 

*' Now or Never," therefore, should be the motto for any enterprisiug 
Capitalist deeiroua of promoting 

THE REOBKERATION OP IRELAND. 

The Conveyance of these Estates has been so simplitied as to preclude 
tho aligbtest apprehension on ttie part of the Purchaser of being in- 
troduced to too familiar acquaintance vitU 

OENTLXVEN Of THE LONG ROBE ; 

and he may rest assured that he will require 

A VBBY BMALL BOX POa HIS TITLE DEEDS, 

which will confer upon him what tbe celebrated Db. Johnson would 
have styled the potentiality of rendering the famine-stiicken population 
of Ireland really and truly some of the 

PIKEST PEAaANTBT IN TffE UNlVEIlSr., 

tbu eifectiveiy carrying out the creditable int«ntion of the 

OOVEBNMBNT OP LORD JOHK BDSSELL. 

*•* AltboDghthe Sales will take place in a Court of Jnaticr, Mr. 
Babon Richards will endeavour to btnitU all gloomy astooiations by 
emulating the nsnal//i<*Wf.e of tho Auction Uoom ; an attempt in which 
he is allowed to have felicitously acquitted himself on his very first 
occasioft of wielding tbe Hammer. 



THE NEEDLES OF LONDON. 



To hunt for a needle in a bottle of hay is a venerable proverb of hope- 
lessness — to discover a needlewomau in London seems a matter of no 
less despair. Tbovas Cablyle has, from his paper pulpit, fulmined 
the fact that " no ueedleworiiaOf distressed or otherwise, can be pro* 
cnred in London by any housewife to give for fair wa^s fair help in 
sewing." This ia very tme. The aempstresa is a thing of mystery. 
She dwells in the attics and back rooms of eourts and aJlejrs ; but how 
to discover her? Why, Sut Robert Pwl has anticipated the 
remedial reply — "Register, register," Perhaps, Mes.sbs Shadbach 
ABP ABBDNceo, or any other benevolent 8auiarttuis of the thimble, 
would allow a book open their premises, wherein the needlewomen 
mi^bt write tbcir names and addresses in honest ink. At present such 
writing, in tbe books of such tradesmen, is done in tears. 



AN APPEAL FROM THE FIRST OF APRIL. 



SiB, 



To Sib R. Inglu, Bart. 



"Permit me, the First of April— allowed by the wisdom of 
our ancestors to be tbe greatest hoax ot a day, the greatest sham of all 
the 365— to appeal to you as a gentleman, a patnot, and a member, 
for perhaps tbe wisest university upon earth, — to appeal, 1 say. against 
a growing custom that, if not straightway ended, will deprive me of my 
vested rights, transferring what has hitherto been the hallowed 
property of the First of April to my younger brother^ April the 
Tenth. 

" Since 1S48, when my younger relative started int^ absurd import- 
ance, swaggering up and down with a constable's staff, and expressing 
tiimsclf wiUinc, and rather desirous t^ fight, when there was noliody to 
fight withal, 1— the First of April, John IHcli/s Sninl's day (if, kind 
Sir Robert, you will allow inc the expression)—/ have been made 
nobody. Not a soul has thought of my claims to noodledom. as a great 
author would call it— but all reverence, all thanks, expressed and paid 
to my vapouring younger brother. This is too bad, Sir Robeut. 
There ia not only ingratitude in such forget fulness, but grea>: social 
danger. Are the universities quite safe, if the First of April is to be 
thus despised? Are twenty state odices I co>tld name altogether 
secure, if the tom-foolcry, hitherto a part of myself, is eclipsed and 
forgotten ? 

'* It is with great grief I find a patriot and consequent!/ a ataonch 
conservative like yourself Riving his powerful name and inflacncc to 
my fraternal rival, the Tenth. On Miu W. J. Fox's Education Motion, 
I find these words spoken by Sir Robeut Ingus :— 

" ' He tikd contrasted the cdncatloa of t1u> neopl'^ <'f till* country wttb tlifl mora 
advanced eOucatitm of Ktlibr itaUoit>; but wouta be cxcbaoffo tlio manl edncaUoaof 
the pvuple of EuglutJ for tluit ot PrnwU or Fraiioe> Om (At U)t\ c/AjirU, lB4£i, bad 
iro uot leasoD to tltauk (Jod for tlu character of tbe penpk of this coimtiT- 1 ' 

" It was only a few days ago, at a meeting in Westminster, upon 
the great Cosmopolite Exhibition thftt is to be, Lobji Bbououam 
dragged in, I may bay it, by the vrry hair of his head, iAat Tenth of 
April! Indeed, when i^ he not introduced ? — when uot forced before 
the public f—now dandled at Exeter Hall— now pclled al iVotccLion 
Gatherings ! • 

" 1 have really put up with this unjust preference for mv junior 
relative, to the uttcrneglect.of myself, until even my proverbiid si n- 
plicity is outraged. I now must speak. I now must implore all states* 
men and all Members of Parliament — the distinction is very obvious — 
to forego this foolish preference, this unjust patronage of an up&t&rl, 
not yet two years old. in kindly recollection of my claims — claims that 
existed long before t he knowleuge of the oldest senator. In tbe homely 
but no less pathetic words of the advertisements I cry — 

"Englishmen! Ministers! M.lVs! Return— return to your First 
of April, and all— all shall be forgotten. 

" I have the honour, bm Robert, to remain— no npatart— but jours 

****?'' "The OBionraL Apwl Fool." 



THE BIARRIED BACHELOR. 

These is no limit to the recklessness of the penny-a-liners in 
providing pabulum for a paragraph. If the spider had a shilling an 
inch allowed him for his web, he could not set to work with more 
alacrity than is shown by tbe penny-a-liner iu spbning the yam of 
fiction into the form of fact, and, indeed, like a green snectacled 
mouster, "making the food he lives upon." Numerous have lutca the 
premature deaths of celebrated men at tbe bands of the reporters for 
the newspaper press, who, having earned a shilling by the announcement 
of a disi iDguisned character's decease, hare pocketed an additional 
sixpence by briedy bringing him to life again. To kUl an individual for 
a day or two is, however, a venial ofTeuce, inasmuch as he can alway^s 
prove his own existence by entering an appearance at any time, bat it 
ta far different with the case of the gallant aUjok EowA&DES^no had 
no sooner come home from India, and put his foot on the Waterloo 
Station of the South Western itailwav, than some penny-a-liner, in 
human form, must needs marry him, ana bestow upon him two ready- 
made liitte ones. 

The Major lost no time in geftmg himself paragrapbically divorced, 
and repudialiog the pair of infant pledges in which he bad no interest. 
He very naturally objected to the adoption of tbe system of " families 
supplied" on the ver^ gratuitous terms upon which he had been tust 
supplied with a family. His alleged wife turned out to be a black 
Ayah ; and we are of opinion that, on the very face of it, the allegation 
of his marriage ought not to have been put forth, for if it had been so, 
the fact — as well as the lidy — would have worn a very difTerrnt com- 
plexion. Such a plea as there having been a nigger female with him, 
cannot hold ; and we must insist that, to use the profeaiional term, 
there was not even enough to give colour. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




tree wu niAde the Crou, so Uut ba viio per- 

pcndi the roAller wcU "—writes our old Kuihor 
— " sh&U find tUt whole Adam as it were is re- 
collected ia aod usder the crou, ud so with 
u admirahlfi tie, oonjolued to the TiTifical naXan 

»l«lf." . ._ ^. . 

Beautiful uid sustaininc is the thoag at et 

this eolemn legend ! I^ desccoda with n opo- 

tt&l comfoft from churcbyvd }ev ind Ofpi 



A HOUSE DIVIDED. 



MUCH TOO CONSIDERATE. 
Jiolnnttm. **TuxMB, Bbovk, mt BoTi that's js riitn a Glus or Wms as you cam or 

AKIWUXJIK." 

Mr». Siruwn. * A-BKM 1 AuotrsTDS, mt Ds-ab. You arc scaur heveb qoimo to tAJim Port 

WlJfJI. YOV KJtOW IT HKVKB AORUn WJTH TOU, MY LoVB ! ** 



Tusft£ were on Monda/ ni^bt no leas Ihaa 
eight divisions of the House of Commons, by 
Vroteciionists poppiny up one after ibe other 
to move "Ihattlio Chairmioi report progress, and 
ask leare to sit af^." We do not eisctljr see 
what progress there could be to report, nben 
obstruction was so much the order of the d*/ 
that ererytbLDg in the shape of business waa 
stopped b/ tbe repeti'ion ad nauseam of tbn 
motion we have specilied. if we had been Ihs 
Chairtnan, we cerlamly would not " aak leave to 
sit again;" for, after eight divibions upon one 
proposilioQ, we think wc should have had quite 
enough of it. 

We will not question the jrreai devotion of tbe 
Protectionists, as well as of all other parties, to 
the interests of their country; bat we tbtnk it 
is a very unfortunate Diode of showing their 
eeal, that they should impede the public busineaa 
for an entire evening, by proposing over and 
over again a motion which rendered impossible 
anything else in tbe sb&pe of motion, and 
brought the Kouise to a dead stand-slill. Per- 
haps, however, the Protectionists act on the 
motto, " Divide et Impera" and imagine tliat, the 
oftener they divide, tbe better their chance of 
gOTeroiflg. 



DKATII OUT OF TOWN. 

TtfE Report on intraoinial iatemient is a most disoouragiog document. It treats death as 
anuisaoce, aod ought, therefore, to arouse tbe opposition of those worthy mrD~^ttiG genus 
Lal'KJK and Hickjs— who look upon a London tombstone as bearing, only with a difference, 
an eiirsct from tbe Qreat Cbsfter. With the recommendatiDn embodied in the Report 
once carried into effect, and alt London church bells are henceforth dumb — dumb in so far as 
funeresl solemnities appeal to them. Tbe giddy, calcuUting wayfarers of l«ondon streets are. 
moreover^ deprifed of a most touching moral lesson ; for they will not have tbtir idle or 
commercial feelingi deepened into meditation by tbe frequent appearance of walking funerals, 
shouldering and edging their way through a crowd of Dusy life. This, no doubt, is only 
another attack upon aootber vested right, ud— but we leave the measure in tbe bands of Si& 
p£tJ£K Laurib, who will, we fear it not, behave wi'h becoming indignation upon so important 
a matter. 

Tbe Heport recommends that a vast eemeterv for tbe million be est-abliabtd. Eritb is 
said to be tbe s])ot pointed at. To this spot Liiere will be easy aooess by railway; and 
farther, by steam-boal. that, at several sppointed italious, shall, on certain days, take un its 
freight of morla'itr. How civic bodi«'S, in thrir gilt bargtrs, rowed to iced punch snd wtiitr:- 
bait, will suffer tne dra'h-boat to poiion the Thames and their sense of animal enjoymtnls is 
yet to be known. Tbe measure has not >et been approved of by the Court of Aldermen, and 
that Court boasts at leut a LAURrE ! 

Tbe Report further recommends that the cemetery be planted with trees. For— 

"It ftppaftra ilut d«ou«i]MMlU(m tuTsrlAblf gnts on raort npltlljr nnu tlio rontu of trees Uun In say other piirts 
or Um burUl'irround ( that the tsarUi U Alwtya much drier nnar the rooti of trees thui ciMwhere ; IhRt the flbmi of 
llMffMtiamdnMrn Vnnrdjk lbs dls of tli« icrav«. and sr« on«Q obMTVcd to p«iu>timt« r itf Ai (AroiuA iA« daonvKf wmiI 

Tlir. products of drrompositlon are*' rcoombinod,'* savs the Report, "into living and healthful 
vegotable slructurcs " and thus what were the mortal elements of men and women, may become 
vaw and cypress, and weeping willow. In lieu ofpoisoning a city atmosphere, the human earth 
is Iransferred into a thing ol beatlhrul beauty. Very old, indeed, is the thought— but no less 
welcome in the admirable Report before us. How solemn— bow profoundly significant is the 
old legend of Adam and the Tree of Paradise ! 

*' Ad4M, being now ready to die, fell a fear of death, and desired earnestly a branch from 
tbe Tree of Paradise. He therefore sent one of his sons tbilher to fetch on^ in boi>e that 
be niiftht escape this dreadful reward of lin. Tbe son went, and made bis peiifion to tbe 
oherub who guarded the gstr, and received from him a bough, but Adau meanwhile bod 
departed. Therefore the son pisoled the bough upon Adam'a grave. It struck root, and 
grew into a great tree, snd attracted the whole nature of Adau to its nutriment. This tree 
— sny the TiQniudista~together with tbe bones of Adam from beneath it, was prescrvetl in 
tbe ark. After the waters bad abated, Nqaii divided these relics among hu sons. Tbe skull 
was Suisu's share. He buried it in a mountain of Judtea, planting the tree with it, and tbe 
plioe was called from thence Calvary and Golgotha, or the place of a SkuiL And of that 




LoEl What a uotr AOOitutASLi GtAM— T 

IT MARSB OVB UKit A PUtVICT FlUUBT I 



THE TESt OF IMTELLIGENCC. 

As most persona differ as to what 1 he Suffrage 
should be. we propose the following test :^ 
" That every onn who resds PvacA shall bo 
entitled to a vote." 



DtED— On the 3rd instant Mr. W, P. HaLa'a 

left whisker, to a deep black. It has left behind 
it a red whisker, inconsolable for iLi loss. 




^^ 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



99 




THE BAR AND THE STAGE. 

APTAiK Rthdees and others— principftl 
brawlara in Ihe Forrcst riots hi New 
York — ha?e been awiuitted by an 
American Jurv. We arc not surprued at 
the result. Had Mfi.. Ma.C££adt becD 
maimed ajid disabled by the rulBani who 
on/> pelted liim with foul efg*. pOKublr{ 
they would have had acme si|ciufloa&t 
ie«tiroonial to elermse the memorr of 
the deed. Alit. Yak Buren, coimsel for 
the aoouied, took a very pbilosopbical 
Tiev of the privUegea of aa audience. 
The learned gentleman seemed to look 
upon Aotors as echool boys are apt to 
consider fioga or cockcliafers ; llings 
made for sport — for fun; to be pelted 
wiih Hionrs. or impaled on corking-pint. 
*' Acling," aays Van Bitbjbn— 
Aetiuc !■ not a coneedecUy oieful tri, pratectoil hy Uic law, tmt it Ua raoile or 



ilch dftpendi fur lis oxUtesoo upon the eisttficatioii of tbv ptibllr In an unre- 
•tralDcd TAJ. Tljftt such ia the nile. apixnuv to mo to be »o clear, that no n;r<n>tic« to 
antbority could make It plainer. It hu boen done ttom Ume Imoieiuoilal, and not 
mcnty In rcfcrcnr« to tlu* artor and hit perftnuancv, but in ttapect to lilia priTate 
Cbiidtict, fta an actor, oil or ou tbc Bla^" 

Aetine not beini? auaeful art. what ia to be said of play-wriiineP la 
BamUt iitlle better than the kaleidoscope P U Leur not useful— £>«/i^ 
exaltiugP And then Mb. Van Buiun. vilh a triumphant peroration, 
Mka— 

** llmr ar« yon to cM do*a >^« Diroil ol a mu and kuov ttio retfoa of hU 
applauding ?" 

Very true : impoatibte. Now it is easy to Ret into (he pocket of a 
counsel— the actor in borBC-hair— and know the reason of his sophi&ii- 
catini?. The licence of the bar, liowpver — as impudence and brutality 
are too often mis-called — takes eHMcial liberties with the actor. Give 
a counsel a playhouse case to dew wilh, and — nine times out of ten — 
be considers himself justified in his worst. The great man, with the 
loftiest Gontcntpt and the ahari)est wit to nialch. despises and lacerates 
the poor player. JSven our own Seiijt4M Wilkims, whose delicacy 
has become a proverb — so that at the bar Mess nothing is more 
common than to hear, "as meek as Wilkins;" "as gracious as 
Wii,Kii.-8;" "as golden -mouthed aa Wimins'*— even that mild, 
magnanimous man, cannot forego the temptation of sport with 
the actor. A few days ago, a young lady brings an action against 
MATfAGEE Madcz. The actress is a mrson of uuimpeachea cha- 
racter; an excellent woman. NevertneleAs, even "Wilkins uixist 
faaT0 bis joke ; for he expresses his sympathy with managers who 
bajre to d«d with actresses " who come to rehearsals aj{^ dinnrr." 
The liilariouB, vinoua attempt at wit, is here patent: and the joke 
is all the more gay and daring, from the fact that tbe milky Wit- 
XIK8 knows that rehearsals never take place after dinner. The 
Serjeant himself was once a promising actor; and at Stoke Pogis 
alwaj-s secured tbe bespeak of Mias Grisicbt's boarding-school when 
he acted RowuranU. Therefore, the wit of the Serjeant's allusion to 
feminine intemperance is the more to be relished. It ia the known 
falsehood of the thing that makes it so very piquant, and bo very 
honourable— as the phrase goes — to tbe bead ana heart of the bene^cenl 

WiLKINS. 



DOMESTIC DIALOGUES. 



A Dinf having knocked at tbe door, it is opened by a servant, and tbe 
following dialogue ensues : — 

I>HH. Is your master ii^? 

Stfvani. No, Sir. 

Ihtn. Is your miitress in P 

Servant. No, Sir. 

Dnm. Is your young master in F 

Henumt. No, Sir. 

J)uH. Any of the family in ? 

Servant. No, Sir. 

Dim. Then there 's nobody in ? 

Servuni. Ob, ye«, Sir ; tbe execution's in— you can walk up and see 
that, if you like. 

THB "kO BEirmTt" OF THE ACT. 

Iv comeqnence of the recent decision by which it turns out that any 
millowncr may defeat the intentions of the Factory Act, we beg to 
soggest tbe btuati*/a£tor^ Act aa the most appropriate name for it. 



Tas DuT OP NATinut.— No Kuglishman dies exactly poor, for he 
leaves his share in tbe National Debt to his children ! 



IGNOIIANCE FOR THE MILLION ! 

BetpectfuUff Dedicated fo Sm R. H. IJSGUfl and Mb. FtUlfTTBL 

LiOHT for the many ! needful lore. 
In vain the good and wise implore, 

And wherefore is there noner 
Ikgus his portly bulk expands, 
And interposed iicuse pLCurTKE stAnda* 
With all Cant's congregated bandit. 

Between tbeui and the Suu. 

" No school without religion 1 " whoop 
The lealot band, the bigot troop, 

(Mild names the crew t« call), 
Knowing that England oan*t agree 

What that religion ia to be, 
And therefore, in realitr. 

They cry, " No school at all ! " 

Unless with orthodoxy taught, 
The Alptubei 'a a thmg of nnagbt, 

The Grainui&r is a snare ; 
Arithmetic a net of sin, 
Geography :i l>eniou*a gin. 
To catch the boijIs of children in. 

As these good folks declare. * 

" Religion ! Not a school without 1 " 
You teach it cleverly, no doubt, 

By your paroobial plan ; 
The Lesson dmwicd wiUi dronish note. 
The Calecliism rehearsed t)y rule, 
The gabbled Collect, much promote 

True piety in man. 

'Twere mighty well could you impart 
What is the learning of the heart 

Task-like, as A. B.C.; 
Could fornial i)cdagoRues inspire 
Wliat childhood Imrdly can acquire 
But from the teriching of a sire. 

Or at a mother's knee. 

Say, Ingus ; is it for your creed 
Vou won't let children learn to read ; 

Or hold you but a brief 
For Oxford, whom you represent, 
Oxford, on domination bent. 
Though torn to pieces with distent 

As to her own belief ? 

Well ; stand in Education's way. 
And still obstruct the public day, 

Ikglis and Pi.UMr-TRE loo; 
Whilit everv wretch in darkness bred. 
To freight the hulks, the drop to tread. 
Because through Iinoronce misled. 

Shall render thanks to you. 



AN ARTICLE WKITTEN DimiNG THE FOG. 

" Wen we lok arund us wc see noting but the gratest obskurity ami 
we runa abut in vane for a frendtfhandto ledus out of the prvdng 
damesssssa Grece Austra and Switser land frowndownupon us and 
the Russian Bare Rrowls ominuslv Louis Napolon is no moretobe 
trusted than Geobgy Hudson CAissioitBE is hut aJio&^rtjlacain 
and Lou Blank is only Tom Thitm with high eels."- 

Note by tue Editob.— We have submitted the above article to tbe 
talented contributor from whom wc have received it. He cannot tell 
ua what it; is alt about. He believes it is sometliing exceedingly clever 
about " The Pbesent Position of Aftairs in Eubopi," or eiae ■ 
notice of Mb. Grieves's "Gallery of Illustration." which has just 
opened in llcnent -street, — he cannot tell precisely which. "All I recol- 
lect is, that it was written in the midst of Thur&d&y'a fog, and that the 
article was interrupted by some furry substance, which I believe to 
have been the cat running across the table, and knocking the pen out 
of my hand, when I thought it was time to rise and ring for candles.** 
That is all the light our taleBted contributor can throw upon tbe abova 
article. 



a HINT FOB LraCPBltBE. 

So rre9acntly is Fleet Street in ihe hands of the FAvionra that tht 
Fia Pacta would be an excellent classical name for it. 



V^<^, v.v«- 




I 



TnB public treisury is under very grea^ obligation* just now to 
CoDsoience, in wiiose came the Ckavcellor op tu£ Exchequer it 
continutlij receiving stuns of Urge amount, aad the tirst Ijalves of 
Baiik-noles, whose better halves follow in a day or two afterward^ to 
form the nccp^s-vry union. We are not quite sure that these large 
reoeipts of conscience money may be re§rarded as proof of increased 
morality on lUe part of the public, for we may be tolerably certain 
that ibe sums sent ia to the CtiANCEM/)[i or the Excheqfeh do 
not form the kuDdredtb part of one per o:!nk upon the gross amount 
of roguery committed. The fact of conscience money coming in rather 
bri&kly sliows that diahoneaty is carried to sncn an extent, that 
even conscience, who is so t^Wy pat to sleep, can no longer remain 
completely dormant. We cannot saymuc'i eittier for the respectability 
of a principle which regards the paymeut of money in the name of 
conscience aa a sufficient eipiation of an ofTence, and indeed the 
process ia no other than the old one of plating sin with gold— a 
spcciea of electrotyping which, in our rs'imalion, leares the gilt as 
glaring as erer. 

Nevertheleits. all is grist that comcK to the Chancellob of the Ex- 
chequer's mill, and if conscience continues its coutribmions at their 
present rate, we may begin to look upon conscience money aa a 
reco»ni%ed source of revenue. We will antic pate a few cases under 
l^e bead of 

TENDER-CONSCIENCE MONEY- 

The Chakcellor of the Exchequer has received from " X. " W., 
"computed to br ttir value of a ros i picked ten y^ara ago in Kensington 
Omrdsns." He baa banded the money over to the Commiasioners of 
Woods and Forests. 

The CiiA>'CELLOE or the Exchsquer haa also to acknowledge the 
jceipt from *'Z. " of £500, being "tbe amount, wilh interest, of penal- 
ties incurred at various times br carrying notes from one friend to 
uotlier, instead of sending them by post." 

The sum of i50 haa been sent to the CHaNCELLORor the Exchequer 
by "J. B." " for having defrauded the Eiciv, by making a private still 
out of a tea-kettle, and therewith distilling an ounce of spirit from a pot 
of ale. 

"A Reformed Convict" has forwarded id. to the Chaxcellor op 
THE ExcHE^DER, " for reparation of damage don^ to Government pro- 
perty» while in gaol, by cutting out tbe name of * Spooks ' on tbe wall," 



THE COOKERY OF ALL NATIONS. 

In the classified list of objects to l>e admitted to the "Exhibition of 
Industry of all Nations " under tbe head of Section 1, " Haw Materials 
and Produce," it is stated that — 

" UtiJ«r nw materlil!! In thli Kctloo, ue to belDoluded kU pTY)duetji of tbe MlnenL 
Vagvtablf, sod Animal Kingdonu, eitlisr in u ectiraly raw utata, or In Any §tMS9 of 
I^rapftr&Uou, pravimu to arriVtng ftt tbe stmt* of ■ flnUhod LiKDurRctan).** 

Thif arrangement evidently opens the door of the Exhibition to tlis 
butclier. the greengrocer, and the cook, whose reapeciive commoditiei 
arc all derived from the Tegetahle and animal kingdoms. We think the 
perniission to exhibit objects belonging to the latter krogdom "in an 
entirely raw state " had better be revoked, for although the exterior of 
Mh. Q]BLEn*3 sboD may be considered a picture by the vulgar, yet, to 
please the eye of refinemetit, meat should bo dressed — the leg of mutton 
should apoear with iis trimmings, not as sheep's flesh unadorned. 
There can be no objection to the display of culinary Hpecimen% though 
this, in some cases, will rat hf;r involve making a hash of it. Let. France, 
then, send her countlrsi dishes, Italy her cream, Spain herolla-podrtd«. 
llussia her caviare, Turkey her kicbobs, India her curry, Ireland, 
Scotland, and Wales their atew. haggis, and r.ibbit, wbili^t English roast 
beef thiill compete with the cookery ot the world. Let Germany also 
send heraausages, and as regards sausages, it might be well to relax the 
restriction above recommended. The exposition of the raw matetiala 
of the aausage, whether Qerman or British, would not only gratify a 
wholeaome curiosity, but also (we hope) allay very unplenwnt misgivinga 



Tbe Victoria Blue. 

In "Labour and the Poor," in the ChronicU^ we have the curiou 
history, the odd staListics, of the doll-trade. A doll-maker says : — 

" Tbo «yu tlut V* inaLko fur 9pafiisli Amorica we ^1 blu-k. A blu«-«yed doU Id tliAt 
oonntry wnulilo'l tvll •( &II. llfiv, boirerernpfAtN^fiMvifowii hut btut ryri. Tba rMaun 
for thla l4, bccmuMthit'i th« eolonr of the QuMo'i eyei, and tb* Mtt thahabloo In lUa 
m In olU«r thlncs.' 

What a bleasiog it is that out good little Qoeex does not aquint. 



TuR Be-all, a.kd Kwd all— It is a great question whether the 
Govfmment that clings to Finality will not aoon And itself "iii 
tslremiM / " 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



101 



'S^i^^ 






■vV 1 -. , ( 



t-'-^ 










^rttpg Matt {loquitur.) '*I say Chables— that's a prouibimo Lrrrut Fillt aloso o* that bat-hauled Womait who's TAUUKa 

TO TH£ BL\CK-COB-LOOKI1IO MaIT ! " 



SCENES FROM THE LIFE OF AN UNPROTECTED FEMALE. 

THE UKPEOTECTEI) PEUALE, WHILE VISITWO TH8 SMITHEHaES Ilf THE COUHTBT, HAS HAD THE inSFOBTUMB TO HAVE SBEX A BOBEBBT 
COHUITTfe.D AT A BllLVAY 8TAT10X, AND riUDS ilEKSELP SUBPOEXAED AND IN ATTENDANCE AS A WITNESS AT THE ASaiEE TOWN, 



Scene. — The Oalifrw in (he CivU Court. The Unprotected Female \» 
jammed Daitif nit If into a turner, tciih a confuted impteuiom that tU 
FlaimtiJ'* are Priaonen, 

Vnprokcted Female, Is (his inlhe Queea's Bench or the Crimuiftl 
Court p 

Obliging Netghbonr, Eb ? Ob — tliia is Xisi Prias, I belieTp. Cer- 
tainly this is Aril Priu9. Your's a criminal case ? — ah — that 's a vtry 
diiTerrac case. 

ACr^mtkoui, Ma-a-btha— Stbcgo-lles ! 

Mftilaied Echo. —tua-UGGLES. 

Maii'ff. Thuggles! 

AauiLur Poiieemaa Crier. DiGGLES ! 

Unp' otected Female. Ob. I 'm sure 1 heard somebody call for me ! Ob, 
I'm mre I 'm wanttd sontewhere. 

Indignani BoiUff. Diggles wanted in the orher court ! 

Vap't'tecied Female iriiing). Oh— please— isn't it ** Struggles? "—I 
btari "Stbdggles" agoodvayoffi* Oh — nhich is the other court ? 

Judge {iadigmtntly glancing up at the Galierp). la there uo baihff io 
atteniUnco to preserve dtcrucy in the court F 

OU'lfina Neighlonr (w terror). Oh — for goodness' sake, sii down, 
Ma'ani — bis Lordship's attending to )ou. 

Unprotected Female, Ub— bui; I 'm wanted ! I 'm certain it 'a 
Strdogi^s. 

Judge {itill more ic^rety), Where's the Under Sheriff? I shall commit 
any tersons iiiterruptmg 'he busincsft I 

Ohligiag Neghhoar. Ob, pray sit down, Madam, or you will be 
coniruttted. 

t/nproteeted Female. Oh— I're not oommitted any tbinf — I'm here 
as A witOMs. Thry n ade me. I wouldn't have, but thf-y made me. 
[A coherent tUher $uoeed» »» fonoi^mg the name o/*Struogles//<?«i 
Iha Ct ihiinat to the Ciml Oourt, ofier'the mime La eeveral times 
pcrithed m the attempt. 



VIII. 




Unproteetfd Femw'e <per/ectlg frantic teilk aaxietg and termor) . Oh — it 's 
me — then — oh, please let me out — oh, let me out. 1 *m a witness. I 'm 
wanted ! Ob, indeed, 

[She attempts to effect a bUnd ruxk over her Obliging Neighbour. 
Judge {with ovenchtlmnj indignation). I will not have intoxiosted 
persons admit ed to those ^lleries. Ijet those galleries be cleared. 

{_The Oallerjf it etrarfd-the ObuoiNO NeighboT^B being turned oui 
leith the reit. The Unprotected Feicalb m borne off bg an 
Attomeg^ an Uther, ondtieoiuperffuousPoUcemen^ qfwnon there 
appears to be a perfect i ttrjtotc. 
[71*^ ScKNE rhangex to the Criminal Court. The ecse is in prcgreu, 
and the Unprotected Female at once Jindi henelj' thrunt into 
the witiwMM.box, teith the Judge scolding her for kerping the 
Court Kaitiftg. 

\_A lapte ofttco minutes^ during which alt the faculties tfthe Unpbo- 
tkctkd Ftkjllk have dt^rted allogethtr. 
Crier of the Conrt \soothinglg). be. composed, my dear Madam. Now 
— take off \our glove! 
Judae [sharply. Do you hf^sr — stand up, can't you — take your ^loTe off. 
[Unprotected Female has a stngg'e teilh her g'aves, which never 
re istfd so it bbornl^ before. She at last gets her Irft he nd glove off. 
C'ier (snapp'shlg). Kijcbt 'and glore. 

Coumset for Prosecution, llighi hand gloye, my dear Madam— now, 
prsT — Ctfii pose yoiira«-l(. 
Crier, K'gbt 'and glore — don't you 'ear— now— take the book. 

[She iaios it sinkinglp. 
Judg^. Stand up witness, can't yon. 

[Bg th' uni/ed efforts of the Counsel, Ushers, CrIEB, and JuDGE, the 
Unprotected ^r.\iKi,t.isattasltKOrn. 
Coumel for the Pro»ecution. Miss Martha Stbcgglbe, you are a 
gentlewoman residing Gicai Coraiu Siicet, BLoomsbuTT ? 



102 



PUNCH, ©R THE LONDON CHABIVABI 



Unprotected Female (tn an inaudible manner, and fieling hertelf erimi- 
nallv responiiblefor every answer she makes). Yes, my Lord — Sir. 

fudge. Speak up. Ma'am, can't you — now Ma'am— here — attend to 
me. (Unpbotected Female aiteiids to everything else). Look — /must 
hear you — and these g'^ntlemen fpi^Wc'v*^'^^ hit pen to the Jurv) and 
those gentlemen (nodding down at the Counsel)^ and, above all, that 
gentleman {facetiously pointing to the prisoner, icith a chuckle), so 
don't give us quite so much trouble, but speak up {reading his notes), 

".RtJGOLES." 

Counsel for Proseculion. SiauGOLES, my Lord. 
Judge (angrily). Well, Sir—" Struggles "—Isolto voce) now, get on, 
do — for go dne>8 sake, now — ^get on — come. (To the Jury, con^dentially.) 
These women I Now— come — what is Mbs. Struggles to prove ? 

Counsel for the JPiVMo/tion. Miss Stkvggles — do >ou remember the 
third of Keoruaryf ' 

[UypROTECTBI) Peiuxx vui&es a terrific effort to remember the Zrd qf 
Februaty, 

Eniar. SfiERi?? tsml whispers Jcdge. 
Judge. StDjpiK'jnomMfa {.Considtmtely to Jury.) You can have five 
minutes forrafrnbmeBl)'Gc:ntlem«»~^ot more than five minutes. 

[£xeimt Jitsffmen^i^ier a Bmiiffjhsts been strongly sworn im^iarge qf 

tkmi 

\_d eo9^^mfmurmwnmmes4ykmffh the crowd, amd tMtiV^r»arcECmi 

fxiUXS in hir p m m ai bewilderment become* s nddt tt iy possessed 

i9itt4kt>noti<m4katt$lm'kms.don« something she ougit Itottahave 

d ms jvm i d haiiJIim w i t H Mt tb a a; is a speeim of^pUlosg^ 

MtomsTif^ FfhsmOism {kind^ Yoit.caB <iaamdom^^Sjitat^.Hii 

his hordamjp^fittmsthatki^ifSMtdiitmndsmmfsad-ittsU) Mowmmio^Uit 

yon a taoi^itkiiMbitim^ 



irnproteetttkimmle:^ Od^-n9»^ia^l70ih^^cm^ Ob/JJhopt hipp; 



Counsel for Prisoner {reoroaelfuUy). Nevermind wbat you said. 

Judge (savagely). We'd rather not; hear what you said. 

Counsel for Prosecution (admonishingly). Noir, pray do confine your- 
self to the question. You saw a white linen parcel just under the 
shed P Now what occurred to that parcel while you were there. 

Unprotected Female, The man took it up, and said, it — 

Counsel for Prisoner, Stop ! Was it in tne prisoner's hearing P 

Unprotected Female. Oh — I hadn't seen the prisoner then. 

Judge. Why you said you saw the prisoner take it up. 

Counsel for- Prosecution. "The man," she said, my Lord. 

Judge, Well, the man ; I thought she meant the prisoner, of course. 
We *ve beard of no man before P 

Counsel for Prosecution. Do you meui the prisoner P 

Unprotected Female. WhatP 

Judge. What man do you meanP 

Unprotected Female. WhoP 

Counsel J or Pr ism ss ■ (very awfully). Remember, witness, you are on 
your oath, and ttUMith* liberty of a fellow-creature may depend on your 
answer; so let usiilEveAo prevarication. 

Unprotected Fmtk iim a mats and a terror). Oh— -I'm. sure I don't 
know— Who ^diyoviattltoMn P ' 

Judge. WVk<dd ymsmmai Thafc.'s thft point (sottcvoor), if you mean 
any tiling, wMnktljdflMbbi. (WtryinfotiMy.) Now {to Costmselfor Pro- 
secution) rfrf^^oteiBiwtttiiigi^inl ojjftier. Come— an you going to keep 
us all dav. MAit06«irf ^ 

CounsH'fdhfPfbmmtitmnUmspering Mtome^ She's perfectly be- 
wildered. {JWtUglpf.) MM'hiwe .another wiUMss who speaks to the 
same f act^iiqi^Ljbidd . 

Judge {elff^iii^.^md asjfjmueh relieved^. TlUtt for goodness' sake call 
the otneK«Hhfiiii|iiMri:uiPW--and do, prayi let us get rid of this ou- 



they won't alUMdiiso«)iimr10Qae>' wMK:thi^x!«a»'baek} 

[A suddei rtmtit im4MM>m^' Tl^i^\i9mrJutrj§v.,i^:,x0*mtmv 

Orter, Nbww-thWitneapetKWWLUA-hertfi \ 

\m isi9 udd mi ii^ r»^mUHmm* the mitmmio»f 

Counsel fi^Pfbmeutim. Ilia. vrMB«kitti*(BMk)dc StaitbyfitafciDaj^ptt: 
the third of FfcUnoy. 

Judge (shssrpiiui^md glfsasiKm0trtMMJvv»BncTED EShjue AirMVi# i» 
doubU glass). OtK-t^iisiaiJAu^S^CSMuaP WeU. 

Unprotected Female {who kdtmo independent reooUeetionihatiibsm^Hm 
Zrd of February, and is conscientious). I don't remember if' it was tll6 
third, but 

Judge (very emphatically). Then try — 

Counsel for the Prosecution. We shall fix the day by-and-bye~never 
mind that; just now— 

Counsel for the Prisoner. Ob, but we will mind if, if you pleaser {with ■ 
a half-teer, half'wink, at the Jury). .A pretty witness I doesn't even reuxem- 
ber the day ! 

Counsel for the i'rojff^ioJV..Btit you-were-at thftBuUook Smithy 
Station, early in February? 

Unprotected FemaU (eagerly). Ohf-yes, it wouU be f he third, for I 
remember they .wanted -me tocookeon the second, and 1 couldn't, for we 
had the sweeps. 

Judge, Dear, deftr 1 (Impatiently^ -Whaitimej Ansvw the<iuBstiOD, 
can't you P 

Unprotected Female. About half an hour. 

Judge {roaring. {U her). AiwhatlinaeoC'dsy P (rato vmc^ Stupid-waman ! 

CounsaiforPtosecutia»{inttnund6rtonet<xn«sft Counsel), OonCouudhtr! 

Ui^arettcted Female (hsmtdy). U might be about twelve o'clock. 

Ju^ Don't tell us what it might Joe— when was it P 

Unprotected Feinale. Oh ! I hadn'c'a watch, bat I thought— 

Counseifor Prisoner. Don't tell us what you thought, Mrs^Struggles. 

Judge (chorusing). We don't want to hear what you tbeught. (Half aside 
to the Marshal.) 1 dare say .it was something wonderfully nonsensical. 
IfU Msrshal grins, as in duty bos$nd, as do the- skcJSdrristers, who 
catch the remark 'and his Lordships s eye. 

Counsel fur the Prosecution, Now, compose yourself. Has. SiauGGLES, 
and attend to me. Did you see a white linen parcel ? 

(huMselfor Prisoner, Don't lead your witness. What did you see P 

Ui^rotected Female (makes a harrowing efft/rt to call up, all she saw 
that eventful morning). I remember I 'saw a man trying, to cross the 
line, and I thought he'd be — 

Judge (indes/Mir). Oood gracious 1 Moreof her thoughts 1 Attend 
to me, Mk'am, {impressively. W^ don't want to know what yon think, 
on any sabjeet, or at any time; w« want to know what you- saw, if you 
saw anything— about this matter, or what you did} if you did anything 
about the miAter,— or wbat.yoa saw any .•pecson'do aboutthia matter. 

Unprotected Female (in whose mind the circle qf her resposuUiUlies gets 
wider and wider as his Lordship goes om. — to i«/-M£0> Oh. I nerar shall be 
able to tell aU that. Oh, nevei>- 

Counseifor Prosecution, Did yon aee a white lioen pacceL£ 

Unprotected iemale,. Tea. 

Judge. Where P 

Unprotected Female, L>{n8juituiidavttt0ahedr£dBl^hmenbeE.Isaid 
to a guard — 



Coiassel (^oM^i.llVfcOOiNrrthc beUtor,. my Lord. You may ^ 
(Itta. ST«j&QTiigs( i4ddii3. At iaa e§ J .Why diM you aubpesiia that idiot 

Cl^ Nbw^ni'teidldviHf-wewBU; IPlueis her. 



But 



Ukmete6tedtmumi»ko/0ek:shehm,nHMtsttiiedtwr^ creditahly). 

kbl aagctiiwrtiifaeatH— 

iTUXJ&wmnmwsxaiSfkMxaMrioohtidg^^ pulled, hustled, and 

helped Mowmpa m id v i iii s s im d m ui ums Ji kt it mun d n g iaif^aeomer 

bdieify-'tpkire iha iadiHgm ikm lonely gwsktfwreichednsss, Scjbvb 



NOTHING LIKE LEATHER. 



Y the latest advices from California, we lesm that 
the articles in which it is mostr j udicioos to speeulate^ 
are jack-boots, and that a horseguard, therefore, 
emitting in his regimental chaussurt, with his boots 
on his legs, would have a little fortune on his hands 
if he felt himself disposed .-to get the-arlidcs dia^ 
posed of. 

It seems that the slushy and qnagmiry state of the 
digging!*, necessitates the use of the -most substan- 
tia protection to the feet and legs:; norcsn wie be 
surprised that there is much mud and dirt to be 
gone tbrough-in the search after filthj; lucre. 

In more civilised nations it is indispensable thal- 
the mere nioney^hunter should have a strongj.coaraa 

understanding, just as in California it is the thickness of the boot that 

aids one in the pursuit of booty. 
It is evident that a parcel of pumps would be of no use whaterer . at 

the diggings ; and that as in boots, so in men^-the jaek o£i thajoneand 

the knave of the other, will be most suited to California*. 




Brabeiy, 

TiiB Pott has a manful exposure of the^ meanness o5 oeftain print 
publishers, who vainly hope to attack the meBttbecs— at leasts the beUjr t 
— of'the press with food anddtink. 

" A pabUsher j^printaeller] onoe unt to oar oflBce m end of inrltattota, npop wMdi' 
wu written, in &lr rooad text, * Lvmekam «■ lunaiJ ** 

The printseller, in his profound i^rnorance, no doubt beUiJTed tfaat- 
plates would fail to have their proper infioenoe, unless further reaom-x 
mended, by knives and forks. 



Political' Ohoregvaphy. 

Thb ballot produced the other night at the ThetiFa«Bi(vai|*.8t 
Stepbensy' was^ we re^t to say, unsnocessful,.. Ona point in..thepfD« 
formanaa exalted, univanul dissmobationt. lids wa» Ski^ ptnmette 
executed hy StKjQ^ GBay,v>inpiy)ib]i^MMngtjigbt jwund .ia^tne most 
graceless manner possible. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



103 



ON. HIS MARRIAGE." 




T the newrpapers we 

learn Privce Al- 

JiXBT hu held the 

first. Levee for the 

QuTBN, arc! hu ac- 

quilCed himwlf witli 

uis u»iul ((race and 

good t&ate. He 

must, bowBTcr, have 

now and then been 

put io it to maintain 

ma icravirr. Two or 

three juaie creatures 

— delifiite thinffs!— 

were introduced uj>- 

on vimir " niar^ 

riage!" That a 

tffearrai who comes 

feum' India, recking 

▼itii -iniDpowder — 

that a capiain, with 

hardiv tlie dull ofT 

him from the Arctic 

Pole — Bbould wish to meet the thankful eres of his Sovereign, aiter the kurela 

frathered, af cr the iceberg eacnped, is well enouj^b; but that a bridegroont. with 

the odour of oran^e-bloaioma upon bim, should rush to Court, as if he baa done 

some signal service to the State, and not— ^^f c lura^— an inctdculablc good to 

bimfielf. IS— as CaUltte would say — a mountainous piece of flunkeydom, 

"Mr. STEPHEWflON was presented on tiling i he Britajmia Tubular Bridge!" 

Tbii read?, or would read, well enonj^h ; but — 

"TnROPHTLrs Spktko-gkkex, on placing a gold ring on tho maniage fingBT of 
Ladt Ajlabzlul DE BL&]r01IA>'GK *' — 

This we bold to be a most wicked and UTipincipled attack on the time -and 
atten'ion of the Sovereign. It is otherwise with bridea. Bless them ! We would 
not depnve them of the aweet lalisfaction of such introduction; for they have a 
n%hl to it. They have lost their maiden names; have given up their nominal 
identity. 'Aiubelul de Blaj(ciianoe is merged into Spring-qKesn, »nd is to 
be received, acknowledged, and bcDCoforih known at Court under ker new signifioa- 
tion. Not 80 with the specimen of the rougher stx. THBoraXLVa ia the same 
TwEOprntDS ;— Sprisg GUEEN has his cmtoraary verdure. 

Nevertheless, we would not limit the occasions of Court-preaentatioti for 
gentlemen. We think there are many social and domestic events upon which a 
man may feci ho has a right— either* tender or a proud one— to face lu^ Sovereign. 
Puneh will just jot dowu-s few, as they rise to hishiBin, like Chaippegme bubbles 
to the am face. 

On becoming a widower ! 

On winning the Derby ! 

' On paying a tailof ! 

-^ On getting 1 harshest of a JawDitooutiteT ! 

On ob'ainiD^l*nze ia the '* Jri-lJMum f^* 

On raading ttom beginning' -torecd.lbe Xtfst /fiamphlet of Hn. 'SaGaus 



than skin-deep. With sma!! revolt has Ibis yotith been 
"leathered" except. " with a vengeance," according to (he 
prescription of Ma. Cajilyle, whooontenda that in priion- 
disoipline there is nothing like ''leather" applied to tho 
back vindictively. The wtiippines of young Jones will have 
given little satisfaction to an>body but the writer of " Model 
PruoMi" who probably, as the v*rlet. haa not answered to the 
whip, and Appears inoorrijihie, would propose to " sweep" 
hini ''with Some rapidity into the dast-bm." But bumaa 
rabbisti ia not lo be so easily shot away. 

Tbt« retributory flogging, moreover, is by no means a 
setllenient with the culpnt. If Society has scourged Jones, 
Jokes isBtill a scourge to Society. Ho has his "revenge" 
as well. Hr, as a poc'al pest, avenges broken natural Jaws- 
moral, phy*ic«l, physiological ordinance* — the infringement 
of which produces >our Jokkses. Some »uoh "Young 
Troubleaomea." perhap*, can be reclaimed by do means, 
fair or foul; but an early trial of the former miglit^ ia 
many instances, possibly prevent recourse to tlie latter. 
It is curious that the last. oEfenoe of Master Jokes con- 
sisted in atraling books. For this he has been n^ntenced to 
til months' imprisonment and hard labour. The B*ate of 
edncational dentituiion among the JovEs-cIass considered, 
there was such clever satire in the iheft, that for this once 
he almost deserved to be let off. 



A CRY FROM ST. PAUL'S. 

We bare gretit pleasure in giving utieranoe to a Cry from 
St. PadIS Churchyard. The criers desire to express their 
concurrence in an agitation now going on in their neigh- 
boorhood for the removal of the railing in front of ttio 
cathedral. They say tliat this railing spoils the view of 
the chnrch, is an injury to the fame of Wren, an impedi> 
ment to ciroalation, often occasioniiii? accidents, and such 
a perfect eyesore as frequeotlv to give foreigners opbthal- 
mia. Tdey perfectly agree with tho Obttrver^ alluaing to 
the locality of St.. Paul's, that— 



Cahlvi.k. 



On return frnm the Vernon Gallery. 

On outtinsr Mh. Hudson (having before been band and' hoof rvhli-the 



Ooldeu Calf) in the Bouse of Contmons. 



THE WEAKNESS OF THE WHIP, AND A SATmiCAIi TOUNG 

ROGUE. 

TiirRsarellioee-vbo btOievelhat the most judicious treatmebt bf the human 
*' Donkey wt»t won't go" in the right direction is, really, to '* wallop" him. How 
little it IS 'fraaiblc to reform cnminals by the lash— how impraoticable to "whip 
the offending Adam out of them," might be proved by nuTnerous Chronicles of the 
Cat, and StaUatics of the Scourge, malting a large uile of Bbck-and-Bluo Books. 
In the meanwhile, here is one case in point, commended to tbe consideration of the 
sect of penal " FUgellaots." At tbe Middlesex Sessions, one day last work, as tbe 
Time§ relates,^ 

**TaoMAi><«iciv^»HUl*Udortb«aaaof IS, wu ooDrictsd of having sislan 93 bsolu of ibe value 
ofU.'ii.,tfa»|kaipettf ol«(iTOtloniaBnBBed TsnMAS JovM. 

"Th« iMraM 4v4^ uid ho would iMd the history of th« priMner for the tut yrAT. uid bom oa« 
prlioo oBlf. ^>n th« 17th of F»hnivy, 1849, the bor iru 'nmaiarUy' ennTietwl In tho itun« of 
Amdkvw MiTDinn.t.Hi4 wma antcmaed to one month a ImprUonmcDt ; on Uw 90Ch nf Mardi, threa 
dk^s ^Ur ha had Mtn UbemtM) ixnly, hi* vu Af^itla 'Aumtnarlljr' oonvletfd In the n&nio nf JoHV 
WiLUAm. «b>n ha wi« tfuiteaeed ia\tA*j^ lmprlM>ninral ; on the Ut of Juno he was a third tima 
'KiuDiurlly' oenriaiad, and amevAeil la M dayn' Impiiaonmnit, and to b« w«ll whipped -^o ihU 
oocoirlon hahad rce iuu od hU own vjhim; «a 0m md of Anguat be na a Ibvrth tlaie 'ainDnarllT* 
eonrictrd and oetttAnceil to one month, and lo ho wall whipped; and, on the 13th of Norembar, be 
waM a flfih tlma * tuminahly ' ooovlctad, vhen he had been aantancod lo six wwlu' UaprtaonmaDt, and 
oBuihor whlppiai." , 

The ursine attempt to lick a cub into shape has signally failed in the case of 
MasTia Jo.NBS. But the whip is a superflciai corrective : it seldom touches oiore 



" At preaent ftara can b« ba ija^atlAD that this part of Londan ia a 
dtsgraM to lb« MitnpoUs." 

There is, however, they contend, a certain metropolitan 
body, to which this pnxt of London is particularly dis- 
graceful ; and shameful as they consider it that the exterior 
of St. Paul's abouM be shut out, they think it much more 
scandalous that the Interior should be excluded from tho 
public view. They demand the removal of tbe twopenny 
obstruolion, by which the Dean and Chapteb binder the 
poor people from entering tbe church. They remark that 
twopence is a Urge sum in proportion to manv a working 
man's wages, and equivalent to a loaf of considerable size, 
iwhich the workman and UiB family cannot spare for the 
Uban and Chapter. They own that in making these 
obvenratioDs they are ringing changes on one theme, but 
deolare that they feel them^-lves justified in so doing as 
long as Mes&bi). Dean and Co.'a money-changers continue 
to nng ihcirs in the temple. 

Finally, they propose that the St. Faurs railings and 
thurch-niail should be abolished together, and that the old 
irons shuuld be appropriated for sale by the reverend 
showmen as an indenimfication for the resigned coppers. 
This Cry from St. Paul's Churchyard emanates from the 
stones that- nave it, wbich represent themselves as having 
been oonipelled to cry out by tbe protracted enormity 
of the twopenny cathednl impoailioa. 



THR OXFORD STEEPLE-CTTASB. 



The Oxford Correspondent of the ^foninff Post sfatei 
that measures have been taken by the Vioe-Chancellor and 
heads ot houses, to prevent "the practioft of riding in 
races conninoiily known as steeple-cnases." which has of 
late " prevailed to a great extent among some of the junior 
men.bcrs of the University." Stecple-cha*ing, we believe, 
is not uncommon among senior members cf the University, 
who clear scruples and go over diificulura in fine style, 
when there is a shovel hat or a mitre at the goal. 



4 
4 



A TLAT OOMTBADICTIOir TO AK OLD FHOVERB. 

There is a mnsty old proverb which says, " Every road 
leads lo Rome." This is not the case «itb the Pope at 
all events, for with him every road leads to every other 
place but Rome. 



-¥^ 




> 
UJ 

I- 
< 

> 




I 



4 



<< 



WHO'S DAT KNOCKING AT DE DOOR?" 

TiTE Old Sokg. as Svvq bt Old Jos (Hume) okc3. at least, evebt Sesmok. 



I RAD jim come down, with my r^ibjcct w«mi, 
And my annual motion about Reform ; 
1 went to the IlouftC— I might u well havc^onc to bed, 
For Lord Joum Ktmrll got up and mid* 

Wlio 'i dx\ knocking at dr diKir ? 

Am tlat V01I FKiKovi ? No, it am Jot ! 

What OM JoK ? Ye4, Old Jor. Oh, onlv old Jm ! 

Well, Tou can't come in — to you 'd better go ; 

For it '» no ato knocking at dc door any more. 

And Et *i BO TiK knocking at de door. 



Wbo '■ dat knocking at dc door. 

Making lucb a row, with w mucb ofliU jaw! 

1 Ml call tho Speaker, and tell htm how 

Yon only want to kick up a row. 
'Wlio'tt dat knocking at de door? 
Who's dat knocking at dc door? 
Am dat jou, CoBDrn ? No, it am Joc 
What! Old Job? Yc*; Old Jof.. 
I told 50U before tbat it *t ttill do go. 
And it'a do um knocking at de door. 



Dnt they *n c^n the door and let him \n. 

If in ibcir ean he contiuiiea bii din. 

Forward came Punch — and taid, •• Follow me; 

When 1 Uke the lead let In 70U '11 be. 
If they know I *m knocking at de door; 
When they know 1 'in knocking at de door.** 
Am dst you Joa ? No, it am I*\nnch ; 
They '11 »ooo make way for hU »ufr and banch ! 
You needn't ttand knocking at de door any more-^ 
Tbcrall be do more knockiog at de Aon. 



I 



£l^ 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAIIL 



107 



PUNCH'S POLICE 



A TEST KELAJICilOLT CABE. 



• 



YEaTEiiDAT ft gentleman of the Dame of Thomas Carltlb was 
brouptit before Mr. Ptmck^ charged with being unable to take care of 
Ilia own iiterarj reputalion— a very first-rate reputation until a few 
months jkast— but now, in consequenoe of the reckless and alarming 
conduct of the accused, in a most dangerous condition ; indeed, in the 
oi^ion of very competent ftutborilies, fast abking. . 

Tlieofiice wma crowded by manj diatingiiisbed persons, all of Ibem 
mamfesiing the most tender anxiety towards the accused ; wbo, how- 
eTcr, did not seem to feel tbe seriousneaa of bis situation ; but, on the 
contrary, viih folded arms and determined eocpression of visaf^e, called 
the woLthy magistrate {Mr. PuncA) a " windbag," a " serf of flunkey- 
dom," and " an ape of the Bead Sea." 

JoDN TCoKia, a policeman with a literary turn, proved that he bad 
long known the doings of the accused. Witness first became acquainted 
with him through his " Lifa (/ Schiiier" a work done in the vary best 
and decenlest manner, in which no oneuce whatever wm comodtted 
against the people's English; for he, John Nokes, had no idcttith&t 
Enichsh sbouhl be calledeither "king's "or "quem'iC^' but eaiphati- 
calfy "the people's EnKliaii." Had since known the accused through 
**Sariat RamimJ" " Tko French JUvoiutioH," '' Ftni and rrvmtt," and 
" Olitier Oromweil" From time to time, as he went on, witness liftd 
marked wiih oonsiderahle anxiety, an increasing wiidneaa, a. daring 
eccentricity of manner in the doings of the bocusod, fret^aently obsoii^ 
ing that he delighted to crack and di&locatt; the joints ct langiiBflMiid 
to melt down and alloy sterling English iulo nothing bettarrtnan 
German silfer. Nevertneless^ witness did not beiieve the- repfttation 
of the Bocuaed in any positive danger, until «ome<^tiLre«> oc four 
months back, when he detected him running witdlyyup. and* down 
tbe pages of " Fraxar's Magean§^' pelting aU.. sorta.oL^ gibberish 
at the heads of Jamaica xiggan — fantastioslly r e pToac h teg r t hem for 
being " up to the ears, content in. pumpkins, when iboy sbouldi 
work for sugai and spices" for thetr vhitc ruaaterv — threatening 
thera wiih. the> whip, and^ in a word, dealinz in lansnaga only dear 
to the heart— witness meant ix)ckets— of Yankee sWve-ownera and 
Braadian planters. Sinoe tiien, witness had named lits suspicions to 
sevefal mnit rn^ortihlr puhiisheca. warning them to have an eye upon 
the offeadex. 

Pbtbk WtLUAMB, teaoho at the Lamh*and-Flag Kagged School, 
deposed that he had purchased two numbers of a work by tbe accused, 
caUed " LaUer^lkm-PampMett" The first, number appeared to him 
(witness^ to develope rabid s^'mptoun,^ — but in the second, in Modal 
i Vt iaw there was nothiDg in i% but barking and froth. (Here Bevenl 
pasaages were read that fully bore out the opiuion of tbe witness i pas- 
sages which created a melancholy sensation in court, many pcnons 
sighinic ^c^Yt and in more than one instance dropping " some natural 
tears."] — Witness did not believe it consist'ent with public safety that, 
in his present temper, the accused shoold be trusted with pen-aad-iuk. 
If permitted the use of' such dangerous wcapona he would — untU 
recovered from his present indisposition — inevitably infiiot upon his 
repotatioa a mischief from which it could not recover. As it was, 
witOMi eoMidared it; far from aafe. 

Mr. ^uaek asked the accoaed, if he bad anything to say ; whereupon 
locosed, with a withering smile, re^Jied — 

" Pretematuial Eternal Oceans'' — "Inhuman Humanitarians" — 
" Eiderdown PhiUn' hropy " — *' 'Wide-reTcrbcra^ing Cant." — " Work 
Sans Holidn" — " Three Cheers more, and EreruMl, luimit&blci and 
ABtipodeaa Fraienitv ** — " Pumpkindom, Elunke^ dom, FooUoapdom. 
aodPcB-and'lakidom.l " 

iM*. PuncA observed, this was a meUncbolv case. Ue could not 
release the aocoaad, unless upon good and sumcient surety. Where- 
upcn two gentlemen— publishers of the first respectability— declared 
themsehcv willing to be bound,' that aceused should jiot, until in a 
more beallbful fivme of mind, be allowed the use of paper and 
gooaequillfi. 

It is believed that if aocuicd again offend, tbe whole body of pub- 
lishers will insist upon Ida oompulsory silence. Let us, however, hope 
better thing*. 




' The Qnaia&tine Lavv«r 

Wk understand that a Quarantine is to be entablisbed with reference 
to all Steam Boats nnining between Ijocdon Bridge and Batteisea, in 
consequence of chilblains having broken out in the latter locaii^. 
There have been a few cases of corns in PimJioo, but as the gcsater part 
of the distriot is inland, it is not proppaed to interfere, as yet, wirii the 
naiigatioD between VauxhaU and Westminster. Battersea haa been 
praiented wirh a clean bill of health in reference to the bunioos, which 
a month ago had ravatred tbe neiahbourhood. 



KOOKS AND CXDRNERS OF CHABACTEIL 

TH£ BACHKLOR-UUSDAND. 

Bachelor-Husband, we 
mean a husband who 
ia made a tuiohelor pro 
tern, by tbe absence of 
his wife. 

Of courw such a 
kind of life bus its little 
enviable privileges aud 
advanta^ ; but then 
it has Its drawbacks 
and annoyances, for 
which no fiecUom can 
rniiiprnsate. It Ja frec- 
iiu;n Kiivieslavrry. 

il lislidudaure al wnys 
rnnns; about the bliss 
of geitm? n^ny frotn 
tttau- V M 

creiit lire ! 

'ihey whin- 

ing iiu _ . .... c them 
back agaia. 

Tbe BaohRlnr-Hus- 
baod is a melancholy 
pioof of this. Uis wiie 
ntagooc on n vihit. to 
her I'S^ift, or some rich 
rebitioniuti^" ,^,.,ti,iry, 
from whui' >> 

graaii 1} 
Shefis not to tebura 
' for Hi fortnighU Ihe 

OdeaBjIUbb^r'iitleft a^one— not 'altogether oat of Jove vmh: the 
tlionBhbbf>t}anir3'atorBd to Jibrrfy. 

AAdtff^/tlie vrry tirst dny^ ithit a hefp!eiaMcreatilre he is ! lie is 
lo^tite uncontrolled master ot the hou&e^ and doesn't know where a 
tingle thing is kept. If he vmts anytliinK. he has to get up and 
I search for it himself, and even then there is but a small cbanoe of hia 
' finding it. i*'or he doesn't know one key from another. And he triea 
I them all ; but, as a matter of course, the very key that is wanted ia 
j miuing. 

The first day he meets some friends. He tella them with a trium- 
phant chuckle, that ho is a bachelor* and they must come homo and 
dice with him. 

What a dinner! Probably it has not been ordered. How vary, 
foolish ! He quite forgo; that he has to go to (he butoher's, and th«. 
poulterer's, and ^rreen grocer's, every day himself now. or, if the dinner 
j lias been ordered, it is sure to be some ruigar dish which he iai 
I ashamed to nee put upon tbe table, or else it tunu ouc* to be the very i 
joint which he never touches, for tbe cook docs nolknoir all his whiman 
I and faiK:ios, his choice aversions and preferences, as hia wife does. 
{ Then again, the-beer was " out '* yesterday, and a freah barrel has not t 
been ordered in. There is a pause of t«n mmutea, therefore, to enabled 
I ihe cook to rum out to theAdam and. Kve for a pint of the best ale. 
I When the brsl is brought, no one oin drink it. 

1 He is profuse in his apologies to bis dear friends, who assure him that 
I it does not, in the leaab mat^r. buU as they leave, it is evident, from 
their blank faces, that, they have turned down a page in the volume ol! 
their experience, as a privAte memorandum, never to tnutto the teadir 
hoapit^thry of a ibichrlor' Husband again. 

Poor Bachelor ! Hs is crawlmff up to bed, like a melancholy snail,. 
iust beRinuiug to feel the weight o( lite house he has oevly sot upoa. 
I tiis back, when suddenlv he reooUeots he gave permission to the Nurse 
I to psss the evening with her mother at Pentonville, and that she has not 
yet come io. He has raked the 6re out in the parlour, aud so he is obliged 
' to go down into the kiicben, where hesita, lisUsing to the tick-tick-tick 
[ of tbe kitchen clock, aud amusing himself now and then with a grand 
I 6aiiue of hUok'boetlei. till i>afit one o'clock in the morning, when tbe 
I mddest riug.at the bell proolauna Nurse's return. 

His troubles begin the firstlhingtbe next morning. He cannot geti 

I the aervants out of bed. Then ho has to ring separately for every 

' antiole be wants. The servanta' behavionx alfogether is changed to what 

it is when Miosis is at home. They seem to be aware of his helptesaaesa, 

and do as little as they can to relieve it. 

When tie Koea down stairs, tbe room ia searcely dusted, or the doaters 
are lying about* and he nearly sits down upon the boa of blaok-lead 
brushes thav has been left in bis armTchair. He cannot get the uta* 
and has (o ring for tbe loast> and cut his own biead aad blitiar, sod aic 
the neifspapcr himself. 
Thpn he i^ f«*t<ivd wih appUoations from the maid for towels, oc 



i 



PUNCH. Oil THE I/)NDON CHARIVARI 



^ 



pMri*ftsh, or loap, or clean sheets; ud, wone ihwa all, bu to meet that aw-rul enquiry from the 
cook, " Plewe Sir, what will you have for dinEcr lo-day ?" The daily enquiry pertecutea hinj 
to UiAt eiteat that at last be ia driven away from his bonie, and regularly ilinea out. 



loDg any boabaiid*! raiTeriiiB to that extant! 
—unlets perchancB they [rare him in \hm 

bands of a warranted mother-in-law. 




NOK-POLITICAL AND UN-FASHION- 
ABLE IIE-UNIONS. 

Thb Master of one of the Metropolitan 
Unions bad his customary Rc-Ujiion in the 
Workbouse on Saturday Us^. Gruel was 
served in Uie principal apartmen^l and breads 
wen laid for onn hundred acd fif^y gnesU. 
Tbe accoai(<)isbed Lady of tbe Master receired 
1 he visitors at ihe grand ooppcr as they en- 
tered, and we obierrtd annrng them aerenl 
who had recently had Ihe Ordrr of tbe Cold 
Katb conferred upon them. Several alfraeo 
li»li feasts have been lately given in vartous 
liar's of London, nod on Saturday, tbe faahi- 
unoble tveob^, Ih're is held at Brorupton a 
regulAr/cVi? »/« poUson*, or fancy fair, the 
slalis at whicb are uresided over by some of 
tbe most distinguished females of the neigb- 
bourtiood. At most of iheae stalls the Whelk 
IS the "monster of the deep" most in re- 
gu-st by ibe public, who may generally cal- 
culate on a hearty Whrlkome. 



rL£ASB, SU| UTOAX WILL XOU aA.V£ 70& DISK£A lO-DAT ? 



Moreover, it is cheerless dining all alone— sitfing opposite to liis wife's empty chsir— not a 
person to take wine or eicbange a word with. The silence grows oppiessive, and any cheap. 
saw-dust dining place, wbere there ate nothing but chops and steaks^ — excepting steaks una 
chops, — soon becomes preferable. 

Not that tbe Bachelor-Husband dires moch at cheap dinlnf? placrs. He mns tbrougb 
the circle of his friends and rf lalions, beginning? with his friends lir^it, for be knows lht*y give the 
best dinners, and reserving the relations for the Ust. He reciuirt-s do ii vitation — for tbe Tact 
of his b iiig a Bachelor, throws open every oining-room door to him. He begins to stop out 
late — associates wilb young men — gets into a habit of late supper*, and iniokes ii]Ce8fan>l> — f^^r 
a cigar is one of those recognised privileges which tbe Bacbelor -Husband takes behind hia wjfe's 
back, which be would never dare to do to her faoe. 

But smoking, even in his own parlour, is not enough to mske tbe place happy. The place looks 
empty, dreary, and no wonder he comes home la^e, for it ban U st ^1 ailrAclioir, all comfort, in 
Ilia eyes. It is a house for liim. but no lionie. He in very little better than a lodger— he has 
merely taken a sitting-room and bed-room for a fortnight in his wife's n<an8ion during her absence. 
He leaves the fuat thing in the morning, and guea borne tbe last thing at niicht to seep. 

Everything lo»es the bright appearance it had when his wile was on tbe spot to look after the 
house. Tbe drawing-room stares at him like a dingy Lowtber Bazaar smothered in dusl. Uuft 
teems to spread iUeif over every lit'le thing, and the servants themselves appear as if they 
woid'l be all the bei'cr for a good dusting. 

The Bachelor-Husband is an outcast in bis own house. He hu but Utile contiol over any 
one — and pays tbe bills that are put before him without a question, being too glad to get rid 
of tbe nuisance as quick as poaaible. Tbe washing, too. wears his lie on*. Ail hi^i linen 
comes home wrong. His waistcoats and neck-bar.dkcrchicfs are washed so biliously hr* has not 
the face to wear them. The strings are off his collais: and, as for B«cbrlor's Buttons, he has 
not a shirt wi'h one on. He docs not know whom to ask to help him. He compUins^ bu* bis 
complaints are not heeded, and if he has a cold, be is obliged to Lurse himself, rcctiving pity, 
consolation, and wa'ergruel, from no bands but his own. 

He puts bis name down to be entered at some West-End Club (a Club for Bacbflor-Hushands, 
bv-llic-bye, would not be a bad move, open at all hours to all Baclielor-Husbuids), so iba', by 
fue time hia wife leaves him a Bachelor the seoond time, be may have some table of re.uge where 
be can eat & good dinner in comfort, and invite friends to come and cat i' wiih him. 

Wives should beware of this, and should never stop away too long, — but should rather return 
ere tbe fortnight has elapsed, before thev receive a tetter iroplorit<g them to come home a^ 
soon as posoible — for when i bey receive that ftfTertiooate sumii>ons, tl'cy maybe sure that the 
very cliuiax of wretchednesi bos been attained by that po r, priable, persecuted, helples?, 
domestic beanh-broken individual, whom we call the Bachelor-Husband. Coumion prudence, 
not to aay coaipassion, should wfaiaper to ihtm it is not fair, or vortby of the fair »ex» to pro- 



TIME OUT OF MIND. 

We really cannot I ell what hu come lately 
to some of tbe principal Clocks of London. 
Siuoei S^ Cieaient's set tbe bad example of 
irregularity some four or five yt&rs ago, there 
lias been a »ort of epidemic prevailing among 
many of the princip*! tioie-pi^ces of the Me* 
Uopoli". A iiionth or so oack, it was the 
lio>al Exchange that showed symptoms of 
ill-timed eccentricity, and now we regret to 
hear of that bighlj -respected member of the 
Horologicai Society, the Asylum Clock in tbe 
Westminster lloaid, having turned off the 
whole of its hai^ds for the last fortnight. 
The absence of ibo hands cannot be the result 
of a strike, for no sinking liaa been obaerved 
by the itihabitants. 

The works are, of course, completely stop/, 
and the supposition is, that the Clock bad, in 
a moment of forget fulness, been wound up 
to a pitch of intensity which h. s proved fatjil 
to its proper equilibrium. Whatever may be 
tbe cause, we can ouly deplore the effeC, 
for this Clock, whicb seemed aUays to have 
tbe game in its band9» ia at present without 
any bands whatever. 



A HINT TO PUBLISHERS. 

There is in Literature, as in other matters, 
a great deal in a name, and no sooner does 
any thing successful appear in auv depart- 
ment, of iiprculation, than a series of nominal 
resemblatices to the fortunate achievement 
are instantly advertised. We recommend 
tbe following as a few titles for books, in- 
tended to ft/llow up the recent new work, 
called, "Tdrkey and its Destiny." 

*' CAPON AND ITS CAPABILITIES." 

"VEAL AMI) ITS WOES." 

"mutton and its CAPhBa." 

"caiCKBN AND ITS FAINT-HKARTEDNE8S," 

" GIN AND ITS BITTBES." 

"curd and its WHEVa.'* 



Brava! Jenny Lind! 
Jenny Lind was offered some thirty tbon- 
san 1 pounds to sing at tbe Imperial Ckjncerts 
at the Court of Uussia. Jknnt's ^ii^nilicant 
negative to tbe offer was "Hungary." (ireat 
is the triumph of genius, when the night- 
ingale is too much for tbe eagle. 



I 



PUNCH THE SAILOR'S FRIEND. 

Pvwai bu alwaja been asimatfd by the kindest feelinfs towardA 
U» Briiifth Seanwii— from the son of Neptcvs taking an airing in tbc 
biek-yard of b nan of wv, to the gallant tar d&ncbg hornpipes, 
fighting oombatf, and wiping his "dear eyes" on the slage of a minor 
Ihratre. Fvnch, however, naa not been blind to tboderecta of the 
nautical chanoter, including ita propenait; to iniproridence ; its ineanc 
delight in ridixif|; on the roofs of cabs; its tendency to buUf and 
bluster, when disfeipaliDg on shore; and indeed "Jack," aa every 
dmnken sailor chooses to rail liiniBelf, has often appeared to be little 
better iban an anlick^d lea-cnb, to whom the process of licking would 
be in more senses than one, a benefit. 

Several altempta have been made to effect the social (levation of the 
tar, who has frequently been sat »ipon by Parliamentary Committees, 
firom whom reoonimendatious haveiasned over and over ag-aia; but it 
nnfortunately happens that no Gorenimeiit baa yet h&d sufficient pluck, 
energr, or ^ood wiP, to act on the recommendations in quealicn. 

The L^islainre baa always within itself a ouanlity of obstructive 
force, beiiides the natural vwmtfr^'tr, or power of doing nothing, that the 
bodr contain?, and these generslly prove lufitcient to impede any good 
worlc that is not urged on vigorously from without, ana taken up in- 
doors with a thorough determination to accomplish it. The present 
Administratiop, ac'ing tbrouRh Mk. LaBOUcnEKE, the President of the 
Board of Trade, liad prepared a mcaaoro designed to improve the con- 
dition of the Merchant Stamen, whrn straijthtway the regular 
obstructors of Parliiiment, allying themselves with a self-interested 
class, bare gone to work with the intention of preventing, iX possible, 
the gocd designed by the Government for the mrrcantile navy. One 
of the objects of the measure introduced by Mjl Liabodche&b is to 
submit the masters and mates of merchant ahipa to examinaiion, with 
the view of ascertaining their fitness ; a provision opposed by the sbip- 
owner*. who contend that they ought to retain the right of appointing 
either \\\r. flf or unfit to the oommand of their vessels. 

if it could be said of a naval comn^ander, as of a poet, neucitur non /tl^ 
there night be some ground for objecting to a legislative measure for 
making sure of his titness. Experience has shown that the power, 
vhile in the hands of the shipowners, has been grossly misused, and 
that the interest of the seaman baa been grosaiy overlooked. His Life 
utder the old system has been anyllung but that canvas-trowsered, 
polish-puniped, ard hornpipe- dancing carorr, which in our infantine 
days we always pictured as the lot of the British sailor. His voyages 
have not been that delicions intermixture (f grog and sentiraent, that 
series of playful allusiuns to tee-scuppers, marlm spikea and misens 
abich we once attributed to him as the staple of his conversation, and 
the sole lubieot of hie anxietv. Domineering inefficient officers afloat, 
neglect on shore, ard want ol sympathy almost even where — eioept on 
the stage and in print— have been the Munan's fate for many years, and 
these are the evila which the Qovenment measure is calculated to 
remedy. 



SPCMIirS -COMBINATIONS.' 



SpRTKO-«irB B ccme — the sap is risinr-JENKiN.s promises to be 
almost himself again. Here ia » njnple from the Fosi of last week. 
Jenkins prophesies upon the Q|Bm prospecta vi 1851, and thus lays 
violent parts of speech upon SiVB : — 

" A thriUInc Mmm ^ awmtaitmt^m/ttvaL Us oDBMBatfkaw wblcb affMn lu In the 
fsmr msnnnr ■■ ilni ■ fiunmsmliMftiiiiii wlBiHiistj wSih i>»fciiii>i i^' n iho^sand 
Jtov^rt fctomtj tMo mt odfmr. iiiii I m wfci m Jalhmw — «taNC,^faairiUi tta excess of 
acstMj which Tibrmtcfl ttiruugh earwbolc being." 



Jenkins llirilled wiih a sense of sweetness of a bwmmt night's west 
wind blending a thousand flowers into one oAmr — M the perfumers 
Bay. eitrait de miiiejlfiirs—^nd almoti fainting with an einws of ecitasy. 
Tibrating through his whole being,— Jenkins, wc ai^. in this very 
interesting situation^ ia by no means bad. At least, to begin with. 
Proceed, itMrnn ; vibrate and prosper ! 



A Half-Pint Measora of Law Be£on& 

Thb principle that "every little helps" is bekjg adapted and artcd 
upon by the aulhoriiiea in inc Court of Chanc-ry. A few days ago a 
proceed-ng was postponed before one of the Eouity Judges, in order 
that *' all the partiea m'ght be heard at once." This is a magnificent 
idea, and I hough it runs counter to the old Royal rrgulalion of "one at 
atime,^* when a proTircial Mayor began to speak smiul'aneonaly with 
the bT«)n)gof an adjacent donkey, we are confinoed that there are 
many lilfle matters in Equit? with nferecce to which "the more ihe 
merrier," as far aa the talking of Counsel is concerned, is the best nile 
lo act upon. Though n^oney may not be saved by the arrangement, 
there would be an rconcmy of lime in letling several learned gentlemen 
jom in making a long f peech, a atjong speech, and a speech i3together. 




^THB UDTAjrrAGE ot LODGnro WDza a. xecbasical OKXiua. 



DRAININQ THE MEXaOPOLIS. 

Tbe iy««» states that the Metropoiilan Commiasionera of Severf. 
'* old ard new, have been in office nearly three years, and have spent at 
least £100,000 pounds a year of the public money." For this experdi- 
tiire cur contem^rMy eonplatna that there is nothing to show, ard adds, 
"Excepting ineidentwiy, vre have had no proclamation or rroogmtioa 
by the Commisaioners of any great principle of drainage," Nay ; giva 
the gentlemen their due. Tbey have not only recognised a principle 
but also out in practice a system of drainaM to a very great eitenK 
only tbey have made a slight mistake; they liave drained ihe City's 
resources instead of i's sewers. It does notappear that any " sumpa'* 
have been provided for the conservation of thfse valuable drainuigi. 
No ; the Commissioners ooutented themielTea with finding an outudl 
for them ; and tbe drainings have simply gone to the deuce. 



Anticipations of the Budget. 

All ciasws of interests are of course desirous of getting i he ben^v \ 
f.f any recueton of duty that may be rendered posaible by the surpln^ > 
revenue ; and we have even heard it. whispered thai a nio'ion wiQ | 

made m he House of Commons. io take apart of the duty off polioemfci? 
The application will be made on the alleged grouiui of ita bcm&C^n. v^ 
benefit of men of lettersL 



f 



no 



PUNCH, 




CAKLTLE MADE EAST. 

Ma. FcNcu differs very much on many poiots with Mk. Tbomas 
Caulylk; nevenheleas be recommends everybody to read Me. Cah- 
lti^e's I>&tter Day Pamplilets, because lliere certaioly is much fun in 
theui ; for they afford all the amuaemrnt that can be derived from the 
best enirmas. It baa. bovever, struck 3lr. Punch that for the benefit 
of the slow of compreneiision, a Carltlz made easy» a sort of Delphin 
CaRLTLE, ought to be published, aomeihing after the aubjoined phtlern. 
ifr. Punch is not quite confident that he baa rendered Ma. Caaltle in 
every resi)ccl correctiy : if be baa not, perhaps Mr. Cahlylb will point 
oat the mistake — proTiaed that he is perfectly sure that he understands 
his own meaning. The Author, in Pkmphlet No. 1, "The Present 
Time," is describing the " New Era," which he aupposca to have just 
comfflc&ced :— 



I 

r 
I 



TIU TEXT. 

" A terrible neu> country Ibis : 
no neighbours in it yet that I can 
lee^ but irrational uabby monstera 
(^hilKnthmpic and other) of the 

Eiant ipecies; hysena*, laughing 
ynnas, predatory wolves; probably 
devils^ blue (or perhaps blue and 
yellow) devils, as St. Gtjtiilac found 
in CroyUnd longago. A huge un- 
trodden, bagg&rd country, the "cha- 
otic battlefield of Frost and Fire ; " 
a country of savage glaciers, granite 
monntains.of fouliungles, unbewed 
foreits, quaking bogs : which we 
shall have oar own adoa to make 
arable and babiUble. 1 think 1 '' 



THB aVNSB. 

" Thia is a novel, alarming, state 
of things. There are no agents but 
ourselves at work in it that I can 
perceive, except irrational, unsound 
preachersof chimeras (philanthropic 
and other deceivers) of great 
BOte ; abusive and satirical jour- 
nalisfft, literary wolves that prey 
on the public morala : probably 
certain magazines of evil tendency, 
blue, or perhaps blue and yellow 
magazines [coloured like the] 
devils [which] St. Gutblac founa 
in Crovland long ago. An indefinite 
unexplored dreary state of thinzs. 
the arena, of diametrically opposed 
principles ; an age of frozen rha- 
ritiea, s'ubbom prejudicca, filthy 
mazes of immorality, unreclaimed 
populations, and socml bases threat- 
ening to give way ; astAteof things 
whicQ I think we shall have suf- 
ficient work of our own to render 
capable of improvement, and orderly 
enough for us to exist under it." 



Thrigs in the Tunnel continue to look black, and at the meeting ol 
propHrtors a few durs agn, a comparison between the receipts and ex- 
penditure presented ground for hope, iuftamuch as iherp is always play 
for the imajtinauon when nothioK has b' en realised. It appears that 
the Directors Ho all tliev can to brighten the prospec'a of I lie concern, 
for between £700 and £800 have goue in the year for gar, which makes 
the Tunnel light though it makes the expenditure heavy. There has 
been a falling uff iu ihe tolls for the put year, but this deficisocy is of 
course attributed to the cliolera. If the epidemic has been oiherwiM 
unprofiUble, i' baa, at all events, acted as a sort of general ncoountant 

I employed in balancing all matters of profit and loss, which oou!d not 
be very well explained in any other manner. 

1 One of the Uems of receipt is as usual the rent of stalls, for tliait 
continual fat)cy fair which is perpetually going on undergrnund, in 
obediei^CQ to that wonderful law of nur nature whioh teaches u^ souie- 

I times to delight in the most stAr:ling contrasts, and hnA led to tUe 

\ establishment of a bazaar iu the tunnel. We sliould be most h<ippy to 
offer anything hke consolation or encouragement to t'<e proprietors; 
but truth cunipels us to say that we utterly despair of ever seeing tba 

' concern succeeit in keeping itacU above water. 



The Buins of Mineveh. 



It appears that a French antiquarian threatens to get the beet of our 
own L^taud at Nineveh. He will — 

" with hU much tartrer Aind f£30,000 It I0 stAted), tnsterlallT eocrmub on th« harv«ft 
of KnltqiililtR wMrh would TbII to thn lot of the Engllih Oktion were CirrAiv LatjiAo'i 
eicrtioofi lacked by luora ample tawDa." 

This is an idle, an ignorant complaint. "When John Bull is made to 
lo!>e 80 much with "ducks nnd drakes," how can be, with the French, 
afford to play at " marbles ? " 



A Fact for the Agrtculturiata. 

Wk understand that one of the farmers' friends in the House of 
Commons will shortly propose a return to Protection, in conartjuence 
of the ruinous effect produced by Free Trade upon our home asricuUure, 
which has already caused the introduction in the year 1649 of £40(XJ 
worth of French i4wn» into this country. It will be urged with the 
oaual soundness of logic and accuracy of fact, for which the Protec- 
tionists are remarkable, that if foreitiu lawns are already coming in so 
fast, foreign fields may soon be expected to follow. It will douhiless be 
asked bow it is possible for the laud to stand against such conipetitlun, 
when, not simply the produce from abrond is imported, but when French 
lawns, and why not French pasture's, on a s^ill more extensive scale, 
are aomitted bodily into unhappy England. 



DOWK nr raoNT. 



, Wje letm from the papers that there is a movement getting np in the 
dty. with the view of doing away with the iron railing round St. Paul's 
Cathedral. This may be all very well, but we give due notice to the 
parliea interested, that, though the iron railing may be abolished, until 
the iwopenny-sbow pnnciple of charging lor admission has been got 
rid of, our irony and our railing will never be removed from St. Paul's. 



PLOUGOIVO BT STZAV. 



We perceive that steam hu been applied to the processof ploughing. 
If the larmen are really, as tbey allege, in terrible hot water, we think 
they cannot do better than torn the hot water to account, by uiing tbe 
Btcam for fanning purposes. 



REASOV rOR WZABIKa A BBABD. 

Trers is a Member of the Peace Society who has not shaved now for 
yearB^ and the reason he gives for his beard, which ia a very liandwme 
one, la this : " He is not going to touch a razor, leat by any accident he 
should ba lending his hand to tho unnecessary effusion of blood.'* 




We wish thai Mr. Cobden, in his next annual motion for the reduc- 
tion of useless expenditure, would oblige us by introducing a few wurds 
relative to the useless expenditure— of time — which we have so 
frequentlr incurred in telling Correapondeuts that they must take 
copies 01 their communicaMona before they consign them to PumcA's 
let.ier-box. Members of the House of Commons may move for uhat 
returns they please, but amongst such returns, no return of any *tr"iclc 
sent to us can be mclu-led. Copying machines may be had from I wo 
guineas upwards, and surely such a trilling invest ment as this caq be 
of no n»oment at such a ruonienlous crisis, as the sittmg down to write 
to PutuA a comoianicatioD of any iciad whaever. 



Quick Setunu and no Profits. 

Mil, Hudson has re-appeared " in his place" (where we should have I 
ihouaht he would have been somewbat "out;of his place ") in the House | 
j of Commons. We are not aware whether the ex-Kailway-King ia sup. I 
plied wilh a motto for his armorial bcarirg-, whatever they may b#», bat 
if rot^ we would augjt'st to him as apnropria*e to his re-apnearance in 
Parliament, the well known phrase of " Cut and come again." 



TO rORRESPONDKNTS. 



Olc* 



br Wniiu Br«4VvT. •'Ntf IL Dp9«vWoMf«.»iiai,Uth» PvMorSt PM(nA.M4 



rra««teiiil«ii«u S'ut.«riiD.;,cki. 






PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



lU 



8IBTH0RP*3 WANT OF CONFIDBNCB. 

Tki gtlUnt Colonel SistnoKF ought to be the most baslifal 
member thAt the Honse of Commons contains, for be is totally doToid 
of oonfidenoe. He takes every opportunity of declaring his total 
diftrnat of everybody and everything parliamentarr ; a slate of mind 
which is perpetually prompting bim to take up his hat and rush out of 
the house, for the purpose, as ho alwsys declares, of getting out of an 
atmoiphere of humbug and roguery. We should not be surprised at 
his puttini; on the psper a noiice of motion in something like the 
following form :— '* Colonel Sibtuobi' to move for n call of the boose, 
for the purpose of taking into consideration his confidence in nothing 
and nobody^ imd after haviug taken up his bat to ask for a committee 
to sit upon it." 

Tlie Dononrable and gallant member must suffer materially from this 
feeling of distrust in all men of bII parties, for it must be exceedingly 
disagreeable to lire in one continued state of doubt as to the wbote 
wortd's honesty. The Colonel wears out, wc understand, at least half- 
a>dozen velvet naps in ihe session, by ht^ constant practice of bonuetting 
himself, and rushing out of the fiouse with a sweeping denunciation of 
Whigs, Tories, Radicals, Conservatives, Peelitcs and Protectionists. 




THB UKFILIAL HANGMAN. 

hkij week, CaLCEiafT the hangman was summoned for refusing to 
assist m the support of his mother. Galcrapt pleaded poverty in 
excuse of filial neglect. True, it was shown that lus regulsr Newgate 
salary was one guinea per week — nothing t>eing said oT the proceeds 
of hu hempseea harvest, in the countn*. Oai^cbaft is, moreover, a 
shoemaker; and wss taken in the fact of wearing a shoemaker's apron. 
Nevertheless, Calcraft declared be oould not and would not pay a 
tester in support of his parent. 

Wo are sorry for this. We lament the bard-heartedness of the 
hangman. Reflecting upon the great moral uses of the gallows— as 
averred and obampioued by defendants of the halter— it doee appear to 
us as singularly unfortunate that CALcaaft. the great teacher nunself, 
should bring away such low moralilj from that great public school, Ibe 
scaffold . 

The report further states, that 

" A ooMldsrabl* degree of tntorcit vu Melted, sad Ibe eovt vts beoavtulcntly 
crrowd«d by perMnu, tmonnt whom wen a aamtier of «i!l-drai«d wnam, Hutioui lo 
obUla a Bl{[lit of iho deri'iutanC 

We are not without sympathy evtti fur Jack Ketch ; we art willing 
to do him a good turn, without asking him for another. 

Can Mit. Calcraft make nothing out of the " considerable degree 
of interest '* which is excited by his public appearance F If he were to 
give an "A.tHome," for example, woald not bis exhibition-room be 
mconvcnienily, but protitably crowded P Try it, Calcrapt, at li. a 
bead. Wliat an easy way of getting money ! You hare only to show 
yourself— though, if you could give a little leoture wixli jUustrations, so 
much the better, of course. Uow pleasaat too! With a nnaber of 
well-dressed women anxious to obtain a sight of you ! What young buck 
does not envy you, you happy dog ? 

Br the way, a certain la!e patient of Ma. CALcaAFT*s was remarkable 
for dressing well. Perhaps the well-dressed women gloating on him 
at Worship Street reminded him of her. Possibly it is not in externals 
alone that the ladies who could revel in snch contemplation resembled 
Uaria Mahkhto. 



SlBIUOaP UAS .fO CONFIDEHCB IM aiTRKR PaRTT. 



A MATCH FOR HAYNAU. 

Tub Timt$ tells ms that there were " 21 persons hanged or shot by 
court-marfial, and 73 fl^eged," ftccording to one report, " irrespec'ively 
of courts-mar'ial." Where, and by whom? In Hungary again? 
Another exploit of HitNAt's? No, indeed. In Cepnalonia, by 
British auihority, as shown by " Sir Krnbt Ward's own statement," 
did these military executions Uke place 1 he c<ita for tbe flogging were 
" expressly supplied for the purpose by Sir Willum Pabkbh's flag- 
ship." The culprits were, it is said, banditti, but pwliiical tools. Tbe 
population of Ceplialonia is stated by tbe Titnes as 70,000 : the 
ntuuber of capital executions in Hungary to bave been 5>. In this 
hanging, shooting, and whipping match, there appears to be a "tie" 
between Hatsiau and Lis British riv<il. lu Criihalonia, 21 victims 
must be considered as exceeding 54 in Hungary ; but then, against his 
opponent, Hatsau scores women. Hatkau is perhaps the more 
thorough whip, but it is a question wheiher he has not been distanced 
by our own countryman. 



A Prize Ministry. 



Coi/)KBL SniTHORF Complained the other night, in the House of 
Gommons that ibe Minisfcrswere gctlingrauchtoofat — a circumstance 
that is auito compatible with their having no lean-ing towards ibe 
fplUant liember's doctrines. We cnn understand the Colonpt's oh)ection 
to the fatness of the members of the Government, fur it must give them 
additional weight in the country, and it shows also tliat they are made 
a great deal of, since tbeir bulk is becoming remarkable- We don't 
object to their being double-bodied, so lon^as they are not double-faced, 
and if they increase so much in size, it will not be possible for political 
intriguers to get round them very easily. 



ANIMATED LIKENESSES OF THE LATE LORD ELDON. 

A KTSTliKlOUS 8T0RT, 

It is well observed br the Bard of Avok that there are more tbinga 
in Heaven and Earth than are dreamt of in our philosophy. Among 
such our readers will probably be diiposed to include the following 
occurrences, presuming their authenticity, which it is difTiciilt to doubL 
being voucned for by the independent testimony of various eminent 
solicitors. We are iuformed by a great number of legal correspondents 
in all parts of tbe kingdom, that the most curious and unaccountable 
phenomena have, for some time past, been exhibited by tbe portr«its 
and busts of the laic Lord Eldon, which, as is well known, are the 
ornaments of most lawyers' offices. The portraits of the sometime 
Lord CbanccUor of England have been observed suddenly to turn 
themselves to the wall ; or to tumble down from their hangings with- 
out; any nssignabh cause. His busts hnve all at once appeared to 
change countenance, and assume an expression of weeping ; a habit for 
which the original, BUS is well known, was remarkable in Ids life-time. 
Supers' itious minds have not failed to connect thcAO siogular circum- 
Bt«nces with the nroduciion of the Solicitor- General's measures fur the 
reform of the Irisn Court of Chancery. 

Certain, however, it is, that the great Equity Lawyer was a strenuous 
defender of what are now considered the abiisra of the Court wbiob 
be presided over, and if the success of Sib J. Komtllt's Irish measure 
should lead, as is expected, to a corresponding Cnancery reform in 
finRland. no doubt tbe mysterious events inuuesttou wilfat least bo 
regarded in the light of "curious coincidences. — Prooineial Paper. 



Every Man reven a GhermRn Prince) has his Price. 

Tub Primce 07 Prussia is fired at in bis travelling carriage, and 
his postillion is shot through the leg. The Prince, to record bis gra- 
titude for bis narrow escape, awards the postillion a monthly pension of 
five thalers. We must say we do not consider fiftern tbiltings a month 
as the most princely pajTiient in the world for saving a royal life,— but 
probably the Prince is a modest man, ami, in fixing the sum, he was 
arixion.s not to :;ive more than he considered himself fairly worth. i( 
the Prince of Prussia is ever reduced to ieli his life, we arc afraid Lc 
will not make much by the transaction, ancording to the very low 
estimate he has put upon liimself. Why, it isn't live shillings a-week 1 
This is low, indeed, for a Crtncn Prince f 

Head-moxiy Kffl PiBATBft. — Payiiif a lawyer's-bill in postage 

stamps. 



Vou xvin^idsti. 



-^^^ aE>^- 




PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 



THE GUARDSMAN'S UNBIASSED OPINION UPON 
MR. COBDEN. 

{Delieered ui ike Ma* aftm Dinner,) 

snoiOD liks to hare tb« 
handling of him. WonldnU 
I Kiro it him I I wouldn't 

?iirc him, I can tell you ! 
should like to have him 
for my flunk? for a weeic, 
that'i all— be »bouldn't. 
forget it soon, I would 
wev ten pair of booU 
CTcry day, that he nn'jtbi 
have tbe bother of clean- 
ins them. What can he 
know about the army f 
Why doeftn*t he come 
a-nonffst ut f I only wish 
e would. Wouldn't we 
give it him, my boya ! We 
would show him a new 
light or two, and send bim 
home in a wheelbarrovr. 
I can't help laughing, but 
I think 1 know of a plan 
that would sicken bim. 
We would pxit bim next to 
the Major, and if bis old 
jokes aidn'i punish him 
la leu (ban naif an hour, lie is lost to all sen&e of feeling. Nothing 
is too bad for that fellow. By Jingo! I wouldn't give a tin 
fixprnce for the best commission in ilic service if he vras at the 
bead of affairs to-morrow. I'd sooner buy into the Police Forc^, and 
turn officer in tlie Blues, than wear moustaches under such a man. 
It's my Hrm opinion he wants to make us rise from the ranks, and do 
away with commi»«ion8 altogether, — & prctlysfa'eof things there would 
he then. I tliiuk I shall sell out at once, for I 've no idea of seeing a 
Cotton Lord at ihe head of tbe regiment, and of taking wine with a 
Colonel after be had been choking me with Devil's-dust. If I had my 
way, 1 would pack Mr. Cobden and all bis gan^ out of the country. 
He is a dangerous firebrand that must be extinguished, or he'll be burn- 
ing us all out of our berths. However, he's loo ignorant, luckilr, t^ do 
much harm, and if ever he comes across my path I'll double him up 
like a Qibus bat, in no time — and then I will carrj bim under my arm 
to Almack'Sj to show the world what a regular flat ho ia. So much for 
CoBDEX, and now, oiy boys, I'm any man's game for bhad-bookey, 
Uneqiienet^ or a throw with the bones, or a short pipe, or anything you 
please, my little dears, from a dog-fight to a bowl of brandy-punch." 




NOOKS AND CORNERS OF CHARACTER. 



Splitting the Bifferenee. 

The Morning HeraU^ in speakingof M. CiUNO'r in ita p&perof the 
I4lb, calls him "a Aaff cynical, Aj//'' uiysticd, Aa^ Voltaiuian, ha// 
JoHAN Paul Kuhtku entbuHiaU. We always considered Carnot 
a sort of incama' ion of the *' entire animal " doctrine, but if we are to 
believe the Herald, he is one of the most half-and-half of republicans 
It is evident that, in the event of future misconduct, a man of so 
mtny halves will be allowed no gnarter; and though we do not quite 
seethe force of the H^ald*$ arithmetic, in assigtiiDg four halves to 
one man, still on the principle of bis being a man beside himself^ the 
anomaly may be perhaps accounted for. 



Weights and Measures for the Million. 

Oke pound of chalk makes two gallons of milk. 
Two twigs of birch broom— one ounce of tea. 
Three ounces of saad— half a pound of sugar. 
One stick of Spanish liquorice— two pota of porter. 
Twen'y noisy Doya— one infuriated beadle. 
Su friends in the pit — one bhue of triumph. 
Bight Proteotioniet facts — one falsehood. 



SOUETHTNO BETOND A JOKE. 

Makt persons involved in the Railway Mania of 1$^ have asked 
wliether the appHcan's for Shurc?, and Ihe Directors of a defunct 
Company, are in tbe same position. 1'hcy ccri«inlv are not, the differ- 
ence being, that, while the Committee-men are ilUt-ea&e, the share- 
seekers are simply aU-oit-ees, which makes aU the difference. 



THE MAN WHO STOPS THE BOTTLE. 

\t you notice, there is sure to be one man at the table who is slwsyt 
stopping the bottle. 

This man has pecnliaritiea so patent, that we are confident there ia A 
race of men who are born BoTTLE-STorPERS. 

The Bottli-Stopp£U ia generally a poor, inanimate, dull creature, 
who sitA, scarcely stirs, and nerer speaks — or, if he speaks, he stammers, 
unless he stutters, when he is sure to blush double-crimson-deep. He 
is both nervous and abient, — so that, if he is recalled to bis senses, his 
nervousness, upon being made conscious he is in the company of ladies 
and gentlemen, is more painful to witness than his absence, — so, of the 
two, it ia much better to let him remain absent. 

In appearance he is awkward, and cannoi carve without throwinje 
something off the diih. lie wears a white neckcloth, that has contracted 
a ludicious habit of twisUufr round his neck. 

In inteliisei c% bis countenance is not unlike a male ballet-dancer')!, 
but there the likeness stops, for tbe BonLE-STOPPEa never smiles, or 
arins, in the same bewitching manner that the ballet-dancer does, when 
lie is pleased. All kind of animation seems to have absconded from bis 
pale face long ^o. He looks much more likely to cry than toUugb; so. 
if you are wise, you will not attempt the latter for fear of succeeoiog 
in the former. 

Let the convenation be ever so brisk, he never appears to listen. His 
thougbts, if he has any, are out of tbe room. The jokes may fl.y about 
in alfdirections, but he is following a blue-boitle along the ceiling, or 
else building a red-hot castle int.be coals. Heisonlyanakened from hts 
studies by a powerful entreaty to " pass the bottle \ " when he rubs his 
eyes to see where he is. 

As a matter of course, the Bottle-Siopfeb has not the smallest 
taste for wine. Ills ignorance in this rtrspect is something con- 
remptible. An unmarried lady knows more of champagne than lie dors. 
The youngest man of the party^ who is rubbing up forapairof whiskers, 
can tell a fine plsss of port, with a higher knowledge of ils goodness, 
than he can. vVhen asked to till bis glass, be helps himself to ihebotiie 
thut is nearest to him, without any reference to the wine be has been 
drmkini; last. Red or white — sparklin;? or still — Rhioe wine or Vrcnch 
wine— it is all Ihe same to him. If it was table beer — or no better than 
SoTEES Nec'ar — he would drink it all the same. 

As the Bottue-Stopper never says a word, be is not much spoken 
to. He would not be noticed at all, if it were not for his unfortunate 
propensity to keep the bottle constantly by his side. This propensity 
only elicits a playful observation at first, but as the error is repeated 
every (ime the bottle travels round, he is sharply called to order by 
some bald-headed, elderly gentlemau, who begs of him, in a military 
voice, to "Look a iitiie more alive, and send round the port." These 
reprimands grow sharper at each new offence, till at last the Bottli;- 
Stopper is happy to escape the moment '* coffee " is announced, leaving 
the elderly genilemau and his portly compeers to denounce him as a 
"stupid fellow/' as soon as bis back is turned. 

He is not more lively with the ladies than with the gentlemen. He 
lakes refuge in some large portfolio of prints, and diBappears myste- 
riously during souie heavy ordnance pirce of music, letting himself 
quietly out of the street-door. A week afterwards he leaves his card, 
find is never seen again. 

The Bottle- Stopteb is simply a hand-and-fork automaton that is 
invited out to dinner. He is as little moved by beautiful music as he is 
by the generous influence of wine. He neither sings nor dances, and 
seems to exc-1 but in one thing, and that is dreaniing. The wonder is, 
he ever is found at a dinner-table at all, for he is neither useful nor 
ornamental, and the general apoloeryfor stupidity cannot be made in his 
favour, for be is not even rich. The secret must br, that, ha is invited 
at the last minute to fill up the gap made by tbe unavoidable absence of 
some better invita'ion. 

What ihe BottleStoppeb may be in private life, we have no means 
of knowing, and we are rather glad of it. But we can imagine him to 
be always in arrear «i'h his rent, never to eat his dinner till it ia 
perfectly cold, to be plunged in the darkest ignorance with regard to 
Dills, insurances, ana all commercial transactions, and never by any 
accident to keep an appointment, or recollect a single thing lie has 

Sromised. He is the sort of man who would invitr* twenty persons to 
inner, and then forget everything about i^, "^Ve cah fancy his slnrting 
for the Derby on a Thursday nioruing, or if there was an eciipie to-day, 
that be wonld he rushing out to see it to-morrow. After all, he is as 
harmless as be is simple ; only, as a general rule, we should say : ** Kever 
sit nest to the BorrLE-SioprEa at dinner, if you possibly can 
avoid it." 

P.S. We have dined at many hundred tables, and have known, incur 
varied "mahogany" experience, many huudrcU Uoitle StorpLUS, but 
we must say, in jostice to a niucb-catuinuiated coimtry, tiiat we have 
never met with an Irishman yet who was a BoTtLi-Sioppzal 



n 



4 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, 



113 



MR. FENIGAN'S LAMENT. 

following Poem, upoD an erent wliich at present 
occapies much of the public attention in Ireland, bai 
been sent to us by a gentleman connected with the 
Knife Board of Dublin Castle : — 

Tm, did yoQ hear of tbim Saxoni, 
And read what the peepers repoort P 

They 're goan to recal the Ltftinant, 

And shut up the Cutle and Ck>ort ! 
Our desolate countbry of Oireland. 

They're hint, the blagyards, to desthroy, 
And now baring niurdtherfd our countbry, 

They 're goin to kill the Viceroy, 
Dear boy ; 

'Twas be was our proide and our joy ! 

And will we no longer bebould bin). 

Surrounding his carriage in througs, 
As he weaves bis cocked-bat from the winuies, 

And smiles to his bould aide de-congs ? 

1 likcsd for to see the young haroes, 

Ail shoining with sthripes and with atar^i 
A horsing about in the Fnaynix, 
And winking the girls in the cyara. 

Like Mails, 
A smokin' their poipes and cigyars. 

Dear Mitchell exoiled to Bennudie?, 

Tour bfautiful oilids you'll ope, 
And there *11 be an abondance of croyin 

From O'Bhine at the Keep of Good Hope, 
When tiiey read of this news in the peepers, 

Acra» the Atlantical wave. 
That the last of tbe Oirish Liftininti 

Of the oishind of Seenta has tuck lare. 
God save 

The Queen— she should betther bebare. 

And what *a to become of poor Dame Stbiee*, 

And who'll ait tbe puffs and the tarls. 
Whin tbe Coort of imparial splindor 

From Doblin's sad city departs ? 
And who'll have the Gddlers and pipers. 

When ttie deuce of a Ciiort there remains ; 
And where 'U be tbe bucks and the ladie!!. 

To hire the Coort-shuits and tbe thrains ? 
In stbrains. 

It 'a thua that ould Erin complains t 

There 'a Cocnsellob Flamaoam's If f dy, 

'Twas ahe in the Coort didn't fail. 
And she wanted a plintv of popptin, 

For her dthress, and uer fiounc, and her fail ; 
8be bouRht it of Misthiuiss O'Cradt, 

Eight kbillings a yard tablnet 
But now that the Coort is concluded, 

Tbe dirvle a yard will she get ; 
I bet. 

Bedad, that she wears the old set. 

There's Suboeom O'Tooi.e and Miss Leaey, 

They'd daylings at Madam O'liior.s' ; 
Eaoh year at tbe dth rawing- room saysoo. 

They mounted the neatest of wigs. 
When Spring, with its buds and its dasiet. 

Gomes out in ber beauty and bloom, 
Thim tu '11 never think of new jasies. 

Because there is no dtbrawing-room, 
For whom 

They 'd choose the expence to athume. 

There's ALDEEXiN Toad and his ImJr, 

'Twas Ibey gave ths Clart acd tbe Poort, 
And the poine-apples, turbotr. and lobsters. 

To feast the Lord Lifrinlnt s Coort. 
But now that the quality *■ goin, 

I wamt that the aiting will stop, 
And you 'It get at the Alderman's leeblo 

Tbe devil a bite or a dtbrop. 
Or chop, 

Aud tbe butcher may shut up his shop. 



Yes, the grooms and the nsbers are goin, 

AJid his Lordship, the dear honest man, 
And tbe Duobess, Ins eemiable leedy. 

And CcHRT, the bould ConneUan, 
And tittle Loan Htde and the childthren. 

And the Cbewter and Governess tu ; 
And the servants are packing their boxes,— 

Oh, murtber, but what shall I duo 
Without you ? 

O Meeey, with oi's of tbe blue ! 



RED-COAT CONSTABLES. 

Mr. Stahpord, M.P.— Most Profound— of Reading, opposes reduo- 
tion m the army ; as he conceives that Manchester, Rirmmgbaui, and 
Liverpool, have especial need of well-filled barracks. If foreigu laureU 
are not to be rathered, there may be a good home crop won upon 
English soil. At Liverpool, for instance, there is tbe Financial Reform 
Association, that requires milifary watchfulness. With a hundred 
pcn-knivca wbetled to scra'ch out certain items in tbe civil list, such 
as thousands per annum for Hereditary Falconers and Masters of 
Buckhounds, we must have bayonets continually fixed to overawe and 
repress the revolutionary movement. 

At Biimingham, there is Joseph Stihige wi(b many disciples, 
preaching Universal Peace, advocating pestilent doctrines that will 
rcndrr the finest parks of artillery only bo much old iron ;— Joseph and 
his associates alone demand the vigilance of a few battalions. 

Then, again, there is the great Freehold Movement. Every man 
treasoniibly bent upon purchasing fur himself as much earth as will 
grow him a vole, is a social enemy— a ha'er of the franchise as it is — 
and reauires at least a couple of red-coats to have an eye upon turn. 
More ' let us consider tbe helpless condition of the judges without the 
aid of the military: "The seotcDces of the jadmcmld not be put 
into execution merely by a small police force." Tbla is very evident; 
most manifest from tbe msoy abortive atle[i:pts lately made to release 
felons from prison vans, and io CArry off murderers even from the very 
s^old: attempts only frustrated by the sudden presence of the 
military power, that, aword in band, scattered the evil-doers. 

" When hoDounible memben 4U(ifeilU)at(he[i«o|iI« wflracallinKforrednetLoMlnour 
nUlUry ««tal)UAbmeiitB, )m ulud tbnti what Ibey niout by * the pcoiOe r ' I>fd tbev 
Bffui to Inolodt, Dttder tb« term, plckpocketa, thlitrm, and Uut Imtfti bodf . 7o 000 In 
the natropoUs, vho wen called * the duiKoraoi cUnee?' Ifw^ tw could cmiItmcouuI 
tor ihe demuid." 

Very good— ver^ wise, Mr. StANPoao, To ask for a reduced army 
Dower is Io have five fingers itching for the property of our nf igbbours. 
To object ix> the oxtravagant outlay upon the household troops is lo 
be a man marked "dangerous." 

But it is clear that the judges are of little use without the prospect 
of military co-operation. Tbe ermine would be defiled by popular con- 
tempt, unless protected by scarlet serge. Thii is the reasoning of 
Mr. ^tankjbd — this a specimen of tbe reasoning animal loo often 
dubbed At.P., and sent to weary honest people, ana fill with frotli the 
morning papers. 

However, from the debate we extract one delicious drop of comfort. 
Colonel Sibthohp said — 



" AUaiion had baen nude to Uw pMsihlUtr of outbremks hv ■narehtcal hetions - If it 
iboold faa fbiakl wm tm r y tor the praaenrftMon at the peeee Aud dii^Hy ..r thii cotintrr 
be iboold be pnpued to lot igeJiut any mttempt whicb tbe Redlcale might ainke." 

There is a blacksmith dwelling at Linoola who is prepared—at only 
one dav's notice — to transmute the Colonel's well-known dagger of Utn 
into a broadsword of most heroic temper. The funds are uways safe, 
for is not SiBTnonr ever ready F 



BENEVOLENT MACHINES. 



Soau experiments which would have fiiglily interested a Bo&bman or 
Malay warrior were tried last week in the marshes at Woolwich. 
They were corned on, says the Momittg Ptat, 

" with ehelli, the Inrentlon at Hk. Gbovu of Blnnlngbmm, Ikarlnff for Cbeir oMcct. 
when biinil wocMff troooe, to ecetttr a quantity of prepeml maierimL irbleb »OQld m t 
Ibclr clotbea on fire, iiu deitroy the eo«ni}r by that means." 

A considerable improvement, this notion, npon that of poisoned 
arrows • It is difficult, however, to conceive how a shell could set on 
fire any clothes but petliooats. and how, therefore, it oould be available 
against any troops but Amaeons, or, perhaps, Highhuders. In tbe 
present instance, the shells all burst at the month of the howitier 
without igniting even the turpentine, or whatever it was that they wer« 
to fiing about. We had a mis'aken notion that, in civilised warfare, all 
sucK weapons had been exploded long ago. Not so, it seems ; and next, 
perhaps, it will be proposed that we ahoald fight with ritriol and 
aqua-tortis 



• 




THE GRECIAN DIFFICULTY. 



Mr. Punch* " Wht doh't tou mr okb op todh bxek ? " 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVAM. 



117 



A CAMBKTDGE LYRIC. 

THB CUBAICAL qUESTIONlST^S TOV. 

Whsrk Cam in narrow cb&nnel sleeps, 

And Johnian towera rise, 
Connecttd with the olden Court 

By the modem *' Bridge of Sighs," 
A QueBtionist, of CUuio fame. 
Gaxed on the flood below." 
And &B be cooled his fevered brow. 

Poured forth thu tale of woe, 

" Ye Gods of Hadca down below, 

Havs mercy oa a atmier, 
Six weeks of squares and triangles, 

And yet. but a beginner ! 
These cosine (betas to the «'* 

Will drive me crazy soon ; 
Oil. grant, ye God«. a quick release. 

And briDg me home the Spoon. 

*' With Milleb's hydrostatic lore, 

And Gbitfin on my lip, 
I wish I were a bold Bar^e, — 

Ob, would I were a Gyp. 
Little care they for function r. 

Sines, tangents, fulcrums, one*. 
They blow iheir baccy as thry )ike, 

AJid rest their Isxy bones. 

a MdKopts un hi<h. 
Oil, list for once a suppliant voice^ 

Oh, hear a gownsnuui's cry. 
To rou I'il pour libation free 

Of punch, of wine, of beer ; 
I ')l (nre you nectsr. if you like, 

(We 'to only Soter's here). 

" I Ml crown the cup wirh btooming flowers. 

Prepare the festive spread, 
And for the guests that mr-et that night. 

The floor snail be their bed ; 
They alum't ' go home i ill momiog, 

Till daylight doth appear ; ' 
And gyps and bedmakers shall swtm 

In ponds of College beer. 

" If in the dreadful Senate-honse, 

Where pens and ink abound, 
And Problem Papers, crabb'd and stilT, 

Lie heaped on tables round, 
Where Moderators look severe. 

And men down on their luck, 
You '11 deign nrotect the M uses' child. 

And shirld him from a pluclc" 



THK GREAT SCHOOL OF LONDON. 

To those who can learn in the school of the peripatetics, wlio Qnd 
knowledge in every walk of life, and who, as tbry run, manage to read 
— there is, we say, for such a clasi, an academy in evfry London street, 
a oollege at the corner of every court, a sort of seminary at every step. 
and a perfect univerity in every leading thoroughfare. Wiiat a fund 
of gramijiar may be supplied in a ran. Me from Ctmnng Cross to the 
Bank, and back again. Bcbold that man and woman qnarrellmg, and 
xtcognise at once ihe great erammatical rule, that tlm maaculine and 
the feminine cannot agree. Listen to the abuse bestowed by that cool- 
beaver upon that costermooger. and you will at once be struck with the 
distinction bftwecn proper and improper names. AVa'cU that urc'iin 
extractingtbe handkerchief from the pooketof the gcnilc-miin, and there 
is an eiEeiiipli6caiion of thepoues«ive casr^ while 'he coming up of 
yonder vigitnnt policeman illustrates the olijeciiv, for it is at once a 
case of objection to the thiefs walking away. There la an unhappT 
being leaning, in a state of intoxication, against a lainp-pos\ and 
realising the great grammaiical theory of an a<ljcotive, which is unable 
to stand alone. 

If we would take a lesson in punctual ion, are there not hundreds of 
omnibuses crawliug, loitering, and pausing, to initiate as into ihe 
myateries of all kinds of stops P 

We oould in the streets of London on any fine day, or fine night, 
continue ad i>r/!niftiin to Irarn by analogy the rules of tbe Gramoiarians, 
but in a spirit of deeper inquiry we turn aside from the vulgar crowd, 
and seek the solitude of the Arcadia known as that of Exeter, where 
tke beadle, wi'h a letter on his collar, enjoys the tranquillity of lettered 
ease. Like the hermit with his staff he paces to and fro, meditating on 
the emptiness of everything as he gazes ia at the windows of the on* 
tenanted shops. We never go in at the Exeter Street entrance of the 
Arcade, and come out into Calherine Street, without feeling that wo 
have gone through something indescribable, and recoUrcling it after- 
wariis as one of the most melanciioly passages of our lives. 



AS GRAVE AS A JUDGE. 

One of our illuftlra^ed contemporaries favours the public with "a 
portrait of LoRD CiMrBKLL. in the act of listening to Mo. iluM- 
FII&S1, Q. C, in an action for debt, to rfcover the price of a boiler." i 
We confess, that, if we were doomed to have our portrait taken, we I 
should hope to be drawn in some more iuteresting situation than in the ' 
act of listening to a forensic harangue on ih% price of a boiler. Judging . 
from the portrai\ Loud Cxupbell seems to be fetling his subject, for 
ho looks as if he were trying his hardest to get up the st^am. It is to 
be regretted that one ol the legal wags did not make a joke at the I 
moment of th(> portrait having brrn taken, mo that a smile miglit have 
been seen to pUy on the noble lord's coun'enance. 

If Mn. HuHi-iiAET had thought of the rampantlv comic observation 
that "disputes about boilers bring people into hot water," the object 
would tiAve been achieved. Perliops it would have been better still, if 
SiE F. TozsiGER had reserved his celebrated /nn rfff mot on the Bulijfcl 
of Le PropAe(e,ii)x the first silting of the Kcw Chief Justice. As 
Sia Pbxdbkick'b wajcgery may have escaped the observation of tbe 

fmhlic, we reproduce it for tbe use of young beginners in the facetious 
ioe. Another learned counsel baring nhsrrveU that tbe parties to tbe 
action were sick of U Prophke, Sir F. Tiiesigeb rejomed, (hat it 
MJpcarvd as if the parties were sick for want of The Prt^U. The 
Court, of course, nuig with laughter, for foreusic minds are easily 
amused. 



THE HIDDEN NEEDLEWOMEN, 

TuE Chrohirli has opened a list of Ibe names and adJres&es of 
London needlewomen ; of the suffering creatures, hard, aa it appear^, 
to discover even by those who riouire and would fairly yhj their 
services ; in such pavment afforuin^ the possible luxury of an incidental 
chop, to vary the dietary of Ihrice-drawu tea*leaves Eud buttcrless 
bread. So far so good, and great praise to the CkronieU. 

Punch, however, has his suggestion. Every post-oilice is a sort of 
public plaoe. Puirh, then, suggests to all shop keeping poslniostera 
and mis rrsses of l^mdun to have a little book— it ipay cost a peany— 
in wluch tbe needlewomen of tbe neighbourhocd may inscribe their 
nawea. 

If there are those who would hesitate at the prospective " trouble " 
of the tbing— the said trouble bringing no apparent profit ia sdver or 
copper— PuxitA begs to observe, that whoever calls at a shop to poet a 
leiter, or to ask a question, is a probable customer. There is, say 
six times out of twelve, something presented that is required-* 
that the dropper-in ia reminded of: and thus he or she who oomea 
only to post a letter, or to ask the whereabouts of a aempatresa, 
remains lo buy. _^____ 

Pottery Hxtraordinary. 

Who knows anything about a person of the name uf KkjukcuP la 
bo a Thug, or a Burkcr, or what ! Or else what meaoa lliis odd adrer- 
tisement which we saw lately in tbe Timet : — 

"Tiir. LATE Cit'Si. ArmtrT vo STirte mm Uox B, Nobu by Kewpli, la eo»- 
men&cd upon Id iho UttrtHtm VeH4t fbr Febnury. 18^- ThU nimUily pvrtodkal Is 

pubUnlied by Sk^ Ae. 

What arc the parliculars of the rufliauly outrage above alluded to? A 
grilling on a gridiron would be a filler punishuieul for Kksbpu than a 
mere dressing in an Earthen Vessel. This piece of crockeryware, by the 
way, must be one of tbe curiosities of liteniture. One feels curioui to 
ascertain the contents of this periodical pitcher, or pipkin, or pot. 



UAKISG AWAT WITff HniSELy, 

It appears that tbe Earl of Clarendon himself supports tbe projeol 
for abolishing his own office of Xjurd Lieuteiuint of Ireland. It would 
certainly be very difficult to replsce so excellent a Viceroy, and it is 
therefore prudent to give up the attempt, when it is quite dear that 
any one selected to succeed would inevitably fail. 

•COTCH TEVaCTTT. 

Thk molto on Loud Caufbell's seat is ** JiutUiat T*wx** Tlie 
translation of this, evidently, is " Holding on to the Chief Justioesbip.'* 



118 



(tmCB, OR THE LONDON CHARlVAttL 



:.-^^Uv^:tri 




^fti Cottfrmon^. ''I wo:iD£n a KBSPecritiLE cara likb ioU| Biu^ caiuii£3 T£R own CoLLtrLovHUS ! 
War oos't Tea KEii- ^ casjiidcb liiik mink I '* 



PIOrUKES OF MISERT. 

Wb have heard a great deal abont 
the OTererowding of the poor in. towna. 
but nothing we hare yet heard of 
cornea up to the orer-crowding of 
Fictores in the National Gallery. 
We wonder that the fragile frames of 
the Tiotima are able to stand such usage, 
and if many of them hare already lost 
their colour, can we be surprised, when 
we think of the uidiealtby atmosphere 
to which they are consigned F One of 
our own commissioners, who has been 
sent to inquire into the matter, reports 
to us the evil effects of jostling together 
in a limited space the old and the yonng 
masters, and we are long ago familiar 
with the treatment of the Vernon 
family of pictures, which may be said 
to have been consigned to a sort of 
modem Black Hole of Calcutta, which 
must be seen to be believed, and which, 
as nothing is to be seen, will never be 
believed by anybody. 



"pobtek's phogeesb or tue nation," 

Communism means, we believe, 
" Halp-and-Halp," and we doubt if 
Communism is ever likely to go down in 
Enghmd, or to become a popular 
measure, in any other shape. 



HERO SURGEONS. 

Laubel growi not for military surgeons. They may, in the very 
tbkk of the fight, dress wounds, amputate, perform acts of most bene- 
ficent and dexterous skill— they may, within range of the enemy's fire, 
let np their hospital, and haply be swept away by the enemas shot,— 
yet are they held of no more account than the practitioner who 
operates in the safe precincts of Guj's or St. Thomas's. Occasionally 
an army surgeon is killed; nevertheless, no laurel twig is planted 
upon his grave. He dies as obscurely as the pariah apothecary ; nis me- 
ramr as " nndecorated." 

Tnia is hardly fair ; but then, it is very English. We are, unqucs 
Ifaoabiy, a great people ; and in the serenity of our greatness, rarely 
Tonchsafe to acknowledge the existence of people of science. To be 
SQre» now and then, there is a sprinkling of them in the parties of high 
political life; just a flavour of science— a tint or two of pictorial arh ; 
Imt, as a principle, the Enslish Court and the English Gorernment do 
not condescend to be familiar with genius lliat is only pacific. A itrcat 
Gaptafn kills a few thousand Indians, and on his return home, he is 
immediately summoned "above the salt" at Windsor. A thousand 
timea greater man— a marvellous worker in iron, one Stephenson, 
drives the 2,000,000th rivet in the plate of the Britannia Bridge, Ihcrnby 
oonanmmatingawork as great as the Pyramids, wiiU utility incalculable 
aublimiog the greatness, — and wo suffer France to step before U9, find, 
in her way, acknowledge and adorn the skill of the mighty master. 
Had Stephenson, from the cannon's mouth, fired away a hundredt h part 
of the iron with which he has griped Menai shore to shore,— his coat 
would have been hung with trinkets thick as a jeweller's window. 

The soldier, in Ids terrible trade, intliots i)ain. maims, kills. The 
sorgeoD, a skilled and watchful beneficence, waits in the tnu:k of blood, 
ana comforts, assuages, saves. The heroic destroyer obtains, at least, 
the Order of the Bath,— the surReon only wears ifie Order of Neglect. 
Sut Dt Lact Etans asks ithert a decoration is to be presented "to 
mediod officers who may have been present, and proved deserving in 
important military and naval actions F " And *' when " remains unan- 
swered. It is so glorious to fire a bullet into a man — but nothing, wliilst 
bullets are flying about the operator, to extract the ball. Very service- 
able to the state is it to cut sabre-gashes, of small account to heal the 
harts received. Destruction is a demi-god ; mere healing, a pettifogger. 
We rtiae a hundred statues to Mabs, out not an ounce of brooso to 
BMnn;aptU8. Glory may be written on a drum-head, but is not to be 
put down upon lint. 

High Ufe in the New Out. 

Oei$4lma». What 's the price of this red herring ? 
yiikmonffer. Yon shall have that one for a halfpenny. Sir. 
OmUleman, Well. I 're no money i^xnit me, bat I oaa gire % postage- 
■tamp, if yon can oblige me with change." 



EXPENSIVE SOCIETY. 

We should have thought that so dignified an individual as a judge of 
a superior Court would find no difficulty whatever in getting in'o the 
very best society; but we presume it is on the {ground of a judi^e 
ceasing to be a man of parties — and acc:)rdingly declining all iavi^atioas 
7-lhat he is allowed a very handsome sum for an associate. Of course, 
if great judicial dignitaries must be very particular indeed with whom 
they associate, it is desirable that they should be allowed to find 
associates for themselves, and a few thousands a year can't be con- 
sidered misapplied in a matter of this kind, for a judge would soon 
grow veiT dull indeed without a single associate. 

The ofuce, whose duties consist, we suppose, of constant companion- 
ship with the judge, must be very agreeable in the present day, when 
the bench is graced with nice, genial, gentlemanly, welUnformed, and 
high-minded men^ but there have been periods when it might have been 
said of many a judge, that his lordship's room was preferable to 
his lordship's company. The associate has probably the task of starting 
topics of small talk to relax the judicial mind, and occasionally perhaps 
to take a part in picking one of those dry old bones of contention that 
the legal appetite yearns for the discussion and digestion of. We 
believe the salaries of the associates of the judges are from £1000 to 
£3000 a year, but we think there are many who would accept the 
situations for the mere privilege of associating with some of the most 
agreeable and entertainm|( men in England, who deserve rather to be 
paid than to pay for allowing others to become their associates. 



AVIIAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN DONE WITH THE SURPLUS. 

We have had some wonderful years latelv- but this year seems likely 
to be more wonderful than any of them. The Whig Government has 
got a surplus of some £2.000,000. The question was what were they to 
do with the money? 

They might have invested it in the creation of a fund for the reward 
of literary and scientific merit. 

Thpj might have applied it to the liquidation of the National Debt— 
setthng,we would suggest, in the first place, EngUnd's little account 

with HOKATIA. 

They might hare appropriated some of it to the erection of > decent 
National Gallery. 

But they had better have sent it all to the British Museum, which 
institution only is the proper receptacle for auch a curiosity as a 
Whig surplus. 

A BAD SPEC. 

The late Socialist triumph in the Paris eleotlona may be said to 
present an iUoatration of very Urge retnrna and very small profits. 



IPUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



119 



A SPIDEH OF WESTMINSTER HALL. 

Ths pious GooDUAX in bis *' Fall qf Man ** t-ftkea it u ao eipecisl 
eridcnoc of the bf^uty and simplicity of EnRliab law that " ProTidencc 
hath so filly ordained it, aa propheaying or presoribinK a lesson that 
tbe timber in Westminster Hall should neither admit cobweb nor 
spider." Fortified hy BQch authority, we are disposed to oonaider tbe 
correspondent who below addresses us as a designing impostor ; never- 
thelrsa we give his communication, desiring toe courteous reader to 
iodge for himself. 

COUNTY COLRTS BILl*. 

••Mil. PwKcn,— It has been moved to r i»f nd thejurisdkition of County 
Courts to debts jus* under £5(X From £90 to £50 is a jump indeed ; 
and the hairs of barristers' wio. as in duty bound, stand on end at tbe 
BttXKestion. Tlie Altomry-GeDoral looks professionally f[rave at tbe 
notion; and prophesies all sorts of evil, every kind of bconvcnience, 
from so aweepinic a nieaaure. 

"Now, Mr. JPuntk, if anyrhing in life have cause to fear sweeping 
nietrares, it is myseir — a spider of Westminster Hall ; a spider that 
has descended in a right, line from the days of Stephen. The County 
Courts Bill may. nine times out of ten, be made a puule and a fUm. — 
\{ it reoeive no furiher alteration than mere extension, it may take in— 
BominaUy take in— a £100, and law wilt be as dear aa ever: and 
defendants, like flies in a web, be caught and held inextricably in 
the meshes of tbeallorney. Let us. Sir, consider the b^au'iful con- 
struction of tbe County Courts Bill aa it stands. It ii>, indeed, a very 
pretty bit of network. 

" Wticn the plaintilT dwells more than twenty miles from the 
defendant, and the drhf is in Bhap« of a B'll, — how eaay and how rtrj 
»ati»fac'ory it is, to endorse the said Bill to a friend distant more than 
tliestatu'e iwenty nates from the acceptor! Br these facile means i be 
cause is a cause for the superior court, and tli« ootta are thumping 
accordingly, 

" When plaintilT and defendant dwrll tn different diaUict?, and g:oods 
are sold antl delivered to distant defendant, then again n.ny plainlifl' 
el^-o^ to sue in superior oourt^ snapping hi« fingers at the very nose uf 
the County Courr j-idge ! 

" AgaiPi attoraics are prifil^ged folks. Wh'-n they themarlves are 
plaintiffs — and nothing so common, especially for Hrhrew disoountem 
a< tn sue upon their own stamps — they h^ve this high prerogative, to 
make the most of the defendant, by the more exnensive process, 
* grinding his bones* to make their best wheaten breaa ! However^ by 
an after amending* act, the privil'-ge, before * fujoyed ' by aitomey of 
being sued in superior court, is taken from him ; out, as a s^eet con- 
sideration for such lo-s, he ii still permitted, aa plaintiC to take 
de''eT)dant to the dearest narket! 

"Why, there is Moses Kiitsogrk, E-q., attorney-at-law — sbarp 
fellow! He always sues in the superioTiour'. And why? ' Became,' 
aajs Moses, 'defendant won't rii-kBlO or £15 in setiing me right ; hue 
tostoptiie boiberwill pay cos's of writ; a dirty £1 15«., or £2, ai 
Btagnanimify may be.' 

Observ, Mr Punrh, 1o ntove to deprive plaintiff of costs will 
amount to some £10 for expenses of mo ion. Then, a demurrer folio**, 
and who shall ray where the cos's shall end, until a recript in full, to 
s< me romanlic amount, be duly obtained and — paiij for ? 

" So you see, Mr. Punchy with even an extension of the County Court 
Act,to £50. ii i* be rotbing more than extec&ion. >bere will yet remain 
ample work, and snfficient profit for 

"Your^Cin a line,) 

**A Sfxdes or WzsTHiysrzK Haul 

"P.S. I perceive that tbe aWomica are moving to he relieved of 
enpense of certificate lax. if they succeed, nill letters fall from Or. ^, 
toW.lW.F'* 



A Proteetloniat Banquet. 

Thi Mornins Poil says— 

" Aootbtr novil tmportaden of forrtgi) (rroduoUon has now talc«n ptsM In tbi atafw 
of ft puMl af 108 baodl** of bfty, bjr the BteaBier Eari »J Amt)imd^ Civra UoUenUm, tlw 
(Towtb ftod produoe of UoUanii. 

The importation of hay is a result of Free Trade, which would, we 
■kouid thmk, be palatable even to Protectionist donkeys. 



HEW uoiiT POR u>in>oir. 



Application for a Patrnt. — Mr. Punchy for a me'Lod of impartiag 
illummating properties to sulphuretted h/drogea, with a view to ligbt 
the nwtropohs by means of the gas contained in the sewers. 



TFTE AUTHORS OT OUR OWN PLEASUEE8. 

^ N'BXT to the pletsvre of having done a good action, there ii nothing 
lib sweet as the pleasure of havi-g written a pEOod article 1 



SIBTHORP *'WHEN AT OXPORI)." 

Decplt shall we regret the day— 
may it be a century distant — wora 
SniTBORF sball be removed from 
the House of Commons to West- 
minster Abbey. SiBTHOEF should 
be a joy for ever. Even u the 
mammies of Egyptian royalty fix 
upon the visitors of the Britiah 
Moieam tbe memory of a long- 
departed fact, Egyp'ian ci»iU»a- 
tioDi so does SiBTHoar, in hia 
old Tory swatbings, tell of the 
dajrs that are gone.— Days of bnck- 
skm breeches' loyalty and hatred 
of wooden shoes-, dajs of fox- 
hunting and hard drinking to 
follow; dafs when Georob the 
Third was realty tbe father of bis 
people, and Royal Chasj/>tti 
tbeir nursing motlter; days wheu 
Tyhom had its weekly ha'ch of 
highwaymen, coiners, and house- 
breakers, — and a squeamish senti- 
mentality lowered not tbe useful 
gains of the executioner. Last 
week, SiBTHOBP was very strong 
upon Mr. Ewabt's motion for e»- 
tnbli^hing town libraries for tbe 

nie. SiBTBORF, for himself, 
red (hat "he did not like 
reading at all. and be hated it when at Oxford." 

A certain Spanish author writes a strange matter of a canon named 
Martin, *' excellently piou;*, hut an inoorrijtible blockhead.'* In vain 
he puKsled himself to learn, till S.viyt IsiDoas appeared to him in a 
dream and made bim eat a book ! Whereupon Haktin awoke a learned 
man, ud wrote tbe purest Latin ! 

How mudi would the world have gained, if Saint Isidore bad only 
paid such a visit to 8ibthorp " wbeu at Oiford I" 




CHEAP 



BRICKS FOR TIIE COTTAGE. 

Ai«— "/« nil a»Kiiff« wear a nWd.** 



In my cottage, thanks to Wood, 

Room ana comfort now are mine, 
Bricks, by lesiala'ion ;!0od, 

Bemg frec'd from llscal tine. 
Spacious and substaulial walls 

Have our dweltinfts— as they should : 
1 don't envy " Marble Halls," 

In my cottage— thanks to Wood. 

Cbeapea'd rent eoables me 

Better livinx to afford ; 
Now that bricks are duly free. 

Ampler is tlie workman's board \ 
I can wear improved at ire, 

Tolling for my livehhi>od, 
And mamtain a warmer f:re 

In my cottage — thanks to Wood. 

Since by cheap constructed drains 

Clean and sweet our homes are made ; 
We are cured of achea and pains 

By their purifying aid. 
Since the tax is ta'en ofT bricks, 

Diiiip and Filth, with I'eTtr's brood. 
Have entirely cut their sticks 

From my cottage— t banks to Wood. 

Now I want just one more boon 

To improve my li'.ile cot; 
Let us hope to gain it soon,' 

Happy then will be our lot. 
Oh ! repeal the tai on light. 

Rulers - if you only could. 
Then, indeed, 'twould be all right 

In my cottage— thanks to Wood 1 



•* Will mo one uaj«d KoTH.scniLD a Seat ?"— But three membera 
are silting for ihe Ci^y of Londoa. We cannot see bow the City can 
be properly represented as long a» the Old Jewry is left ont. 



K<^asA5 




Wb are gl&d to Qad that tlie hi^h Btate of dUcipUno of Ihe Briliib 
army ii likclf to b« carried still higher bjr the conteDipUtcd reductions, 
which will cut off vast oumbcrs of men without dimiuiahing tbe 
qcanlity of officers. It is contemplated that our army will, iw time, be 
aote to boast of sach efficiency in the war of command, that CTcry 
prirate will have at lta«t six siipenors to Iook after him. la order to 
test the value of Ihia kind of arrangement, it has been proposed to 

M6 Tonkins, of the Grenadiers, under the new system, wLicb will 
established if the present mode of lopping off from the ranks, and 
leafing the npper grades untouched, should be pcrsistod in. 

ToMKXsa will undergo a series of drills at the bands— or rather at 
the voices — of the uomerouB officers whose duty it will be to keep up 
his efficicDCf. by showing the juvenile soldier how to handle his musket, 
and ereotually teaching the young idea how to shoot. 

The following wUl be a sample of the mode m which Tomkiks will 
be addressed, and we only trust that though too many cooks spoil the 
brotb. it will not turn out that too many ofllcers spoil the soldier :— 

Adjutant. Heads «j>, Tomkins. 

Firtt LietUenani. Keep your stomach in, TOMKjya. 

CoptaU. SUady, ToMtiNS, Steadr. 

Second Liffutenamt. As you were, Tokkiks. 

Jf«or. You *ll ^0 back into the awkward squad, Tohkdib. 

CoIomI. £^es ngfat, Toxuss. 
. /'f '^ Q^^» together. Chest out, stomach in, eyes right, shoulders 
Iclt, head lorvmoat, toM out, kneci atraight, steady, steady, Tomkinb ! ! ' 



BUSaEraUEKTITiG THEVaBLV£«. 

Tm French shopkeepers are finding fault already with the fact of so 
toaay Socialists being returned fur Paris. We do not see what right 
lluj h4V6 to grumble, considering the etil was cnlireJj their own eleotioiL 



SUNDA.! EVENING'S AMUSEilENT IN THE Cm. 

FoBKiGNFTis oomplain that there are no exhibitions open on a Sunday 
erening. Theie is, howerer, an entertainment in the City accessible to 
those who can procure an admission. It is even attended fay some of 
the clergy, whose only complaint of it seems to be that they get bad 
plaoea. ''^SrBs" thus writes to the Tinui .— 

" Sir,— HupiMiiiiig U> Iw pruseiit at utiui of tha 'nppws' gtm oo SuDdmyt darini 
L«nt to the boyii of Chritit'ii Umiplul, I wu grierM to bm thAt the Wftt ssitl^ed bi tlio 
h«ad muten and tuUin wm k Iuw forni behind all th« spectAton, upon a level with th« 
■Mtj allottad to th« Mrruits of th« wtabUshnwnt, (Lb npper puces bclog eotinly 
nweiTod for the governoni and their fkiends.' 

We sometimes hear of a ploughman's publicly devouring a leg of 
mutton as a " disgusting exhibition." Is there anything much mora 
refined or intellectual in the sight of a lot of haagry boys eating their 
supper P To those who enjoy a display of roracity. the Zoological 
Gardens on Monday at feeding time would surely afford a higher treat 
than the spectacle on the prerioas evening at the Bluecoat SchooL 
The object of thus making the scholars a gazing-stock at their meals ia 
not ver^ coneeiyable. Are tber made a public show of as tbe recipients 
of chanty to humiliate themr We should think such an exposure 
oould hardly be pleasant to themselres. and for our own part we have 
no desire to be ita spectators. We had much rather go and see how 
the citirens would eat, if they were obliged to keep Lent all the week, 
and indulged with one good supper on the Sunday. 



A Bodjr without a Head. 

Amokgst TAiTi:BaALL'fl list of sales the following occurs .— 

" YaJJLAVTXD, A GOOD 1A4DKR." 

Hay we recommend the above to the notice of the Protectionista, u at 
tbe present moment the/ Kem to be woefully in want of a 'good 
Leader P 



mm 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



vn 



VIRGIN GOLD HUNTERS IN CALIFORNU, 

Tub Toronio 2nd*pend«ni fives an acouuntof two youBg uid beautiful 
Udiet from KloriJa, who bave poac to Califomia, and are goM-seekliiK 
there on llieir own nccouo*. with no auiiiance but tlmtof an old negro. 
The eldest of theu is not SO; so that, as iha piuinmg reader will not 
fail to observe, (hey are both mioon. RanMclciug the bovola or the 
earth ii an extension of females' mininf^ operationa. which liave been 
hitherto confined to the heart of man. From the last named diggios 
thfy have often obtained large quantities of the precious mela', and 
have Rrnerallj counted themselres very uulucky if the/ got uo more 
gold than there is in a wedding ring. 

English young ladies need not go to California. They have a Siiora- 
nienlo at home in the Nui Prius Court:, where damages for breach or 
promise of marriage are extracted from the pockets of the unwary 1^ 
the sieve of an action, and the aooop of a barrister's silver tongue. 



AN APPEAL FROM "WHITE STICK." 

Mr, Pukoh. — I aopeal to you. as the common guardian and bene- 
factor of tlia Bnubbea and the oopmsed. In the width, length, and 
drpth of your benevolence, you will uot tJiink the less of me^ because I 
am a Sticic— a Wliite Stick. A Stick out to the heart — Tor sticks have 
hearts— by the cruelty of. I believe, a daily print, called the Timei^]. 
ani told, a newspaper. 

It is not for me, Vr. PitHth to boast of ray Hng. honourable, and 
useful descent. As White SticK tn the Court of England, I may cltiim 
for my genealogical tree — whence I was cut bjr the Norman sword of 
William— a very distinguished oak still flourishing near Battle. At this 
mome&t, I feel a sympathy with my illustrious km ; and though to the 
eye ana finger of all XiOrd Stewards of Royal Uoubehold, I may 
seem only ao mnch dead wood, I do assure you that, touched by the 
influence of this spring season (notwithstanding the east-wind), I do feel 
the sap rising — rismg, I say, sympa!hr:tically with the vital fluid that is 
now coursing up ana down the trunk of mr venerable parent. Indeed, 
I cannot promise — were I only s'uck inch-deep in the generous soil of a 
Court— that I would not bud and put forth leaves, ana then acorns, and 
became — like my ancestor — a mighty oak. But this is to expect too 
much. Let me be satisfied tbaC it is nevertheless my prond destinv to 
be twiddled twixt tlie finger and thumb of the Moat Noble, and Most 
Puissant MjLaQimas op Westminster. 

Mr. PtMck^ it is with that distinguished individual — within these few 
dsys more distinguished than ever by the abuse of the print called the 
TVsMT— that I am proud to make oommon cause. We are, for a time, 
one and the same : Uarc^uess and Whito Stick — wood and wood. Well, 
Sir, the Timet throws it in the teeth of the illustrious nobleman, that, 

f;dt and double-gilt as he is b^ stone-blind fortune, he should yet yearn 
or the barren honour of White Stick ? Why not ? The Timet marvels 
that noblemen — uot merely golden calves, but calves with di&mond eyes, 
pearl teeth and emerald hools — should abasn themselves by donning the 
liverjr of HiR MaJbsty! Why, Mr. Punck, it is this beautiful 
hunulity that makes the true glory of a mooarohy. The lower the 
self-defrrada*.ion of the nobleman, t" noble man," according to Dkbhktt) 
the higner the royalty. The greater the self-Bbnegationof the servuit, 
the larger the honour paid to the served. Whence would the Tine* 
obtain the QuEsy's Domestios — I mean the Domestics paid and tick- 
etted by the sta'.e ? Is Ubb Kax&flTY to order an advertisement in the 
newspapers : 

W 



nnk thiu] I 
VoUowera &Uowed. 



Lord Stamrd of tho >Irttuehol<l. He mutt not be of higher 
\ BftTQuot. No {wnou with £400^000 por sunum owd spply. 



Is it by such means that the 7Tm«f would have the Qi;ezii*8 noble- 
men in livery appointed ? Am 1— White Stick— to cease to be as much 
the object of hope, desire, and noblest ambition — of watchfulness by 
dav, and prayer bv nijcht— as though I was the wand of a Prophet ? 

I mi^ be thought prejudiced in the matter ; but I deny, denounce the 
assunkption — when I state it to be my belief that the English monarchy 
owes its serenity at home, and its power abroad, not to its legal and 
social institutions— not to its navy and its army— but to this one virtue 
alone, the humility of H£R M^JESir'a state serrants. Magna Charta 
is all very well ; but the oarchment it's written on is of no more value 
ttuu an old drum-bead. No ; the real strength of the country is in the 
lappets of the Mistress of the Robes— when that Mistress happens to 
be a Marchioness or Duchess. Not t^ the battles of a Lobd Nklso^ 
do we owe gbry as a stste \ but to the humility of a Lonn Bmorr, a 
Lord (in liverr) in Waiting. Waterloo is all very well ; but I should 
like to know of whst worth is the baton of F. M. the Duut ov Wel- 
LnrGTO"* to myself— White Stick — when humbly^e»erently, fearingly, 
gm^pe I by the devoted hand of a Makquess of WbstmissteeP 

What a noble, what a Christian answer is it to au iguurant and 
Asmooratic charge of pomps and ranilies of a Court, to be able to tell 
of Footman Dukes, Chambermaid Countesses, azul Groom and Uuuts- 



men Marquesses and EarU ? If /ou want to find the really humble, the 
truly lowly of hearty your only guide to the discovery is the Coitrt Ovtili. 
"Die true Book of Humility is the Red Book. 

The Times, no doubt intending a sneei — savs, " There is a broad vein 
of plush thst traverses the whole frame-work of English society." 1 
rejoice at the beautiful truth -a truth, that despite of all formal dis- 
tinctions, reoUr puts the Duke on a level with Lis butler, and places 
cheek by jowl, the Earl and the groom. Thus, beautiful to my 
thiukinv is the Most Noble the Ma&qubss op WEaTSUMSTSft, the 
Lord White SLicic ! True ; he migfU be a stirring benevolence — a 
national hospitality. With his preposterous amount of wealih, he— the 
Head of Brass, miglit make his wealth warm and aniutat^ the dull 
cold Feet of Clay, but the Marquess, by grasping Wuite S'ick, shows 
himself a meek, a humble, self-denying Christian. Ho might be % 
Prince \ his acts most priucely in the widest und loftiest sense of tho 
phrase — but he shrinks from the ostentation. He retires within him^ 
self, and stands iu the Court of Queen Yictoeia, with his mind in 
nluah- his soul in livery (lowliness bound up with hope, with crest of 
usb-and-loaf on livery buttons) — Lord Steward* 

That he may long so stand ; a monument of humility, is the deaire of 
at once his Friend and llod, 

White SncK. 




aOIIfO TBB WBOUI rtuNKn 



Hose Literary Intelligence. 

We gave a week or two ago the titles of a few books, suggested by 
the success of "Tukket a^d its DESTUir." Since then the flight of 
authors has set in still more strongly towards the poultrv-yard, and we 
have heard of a publisher — much addicted to coiinling his chicitens before 
they are hatched — who anticipates immense success for the following :—> 

"SWJLK AXD ITS TWO NECKS." 

" QOOSE AND ITS GBIDIHON." 

" Olta&X AJa» HU DUCKS, THE VAMItT BIOOEAfBT OV A CBLKAEATID 

MAVAL iUSO." 



The Dogs of Law. 

The papers give au account of the sudden intrusion of a pack of 
hounds into the assise court of Aylesbury. The ssgacious creatures 
thottght, perlup^, they had quite as good a right to aive tongue as any 
of the learned l>arnstprs. There is nothing, after all, so very absurd in 
the idea of a pack of hounds appearing in court, for it is simply a slight 
anticipation of the usual course of things, and instead of waiting for the 
smtors to go to the dogs, the dogs, in thu case, went to the suitors. 



Vol. XVIIL— 1100. 



"^^.»&^. 



122 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 




SIGNS OF THE TIMES. 

JVm tke Red Unm to tU Spread Soffle, 

t exfavsitx 
Fkdsnd. 

" 1 b»ve 
been deepl7 
touched hj the 
affectionate zeal 
— andyou must 
have been se- 
creting the good- 
neu lor a long 
time — that you 
have BO sud- 
denly exhibited 
towurdf Greece. 
You have really 
bowels — boweU 
in the sympa- 
thetic sense. 
That you have 
double beak, 
and double gul- 
let, Hungary 
is a manffled, 

bleeding witness: bat that you should reallv hare a heart to pulsate 
for ' a braTe people ' is a truth that — like all great truths— it will take 
some time for the incredulous and apathetic English to be reconciled to. 
" Ion have taken little Otho under your wing. We hare before 
heard the storr of the f^le and GhUd ; but you, in your astonishing 
goodness, afford a prettier and more buoiane Tersion of the tale. You 
do not propose to make a meal of the young gentleman ; you have no 
beak— not either of t he two— for any bit of Greece, and ai for Turkey. 
Tou can't abide it No : your intentions are almost dove-like ; baring 
been glutted with carrion on the fields of Hungary, yoa wouldn't 

* rumple the feathen of a Barbary hen.' 

" Well, it muflt be confessed that Otho has been hardly used hj that 
hard-hearted FAUOBaTOir. A neat man ia debt is alwi^s a subject of 
interest. Tradesmeoi may smash by the score, and it u of no more 
account to a thinkiog people than the bursting of so many sou>-bubb!e8; 
but a king — nay, sooa a bit of % kingling as small Otho — in difficulties, 
is a sight to miike enan CoionifionK CouKTOiaiEE Philups melt, 
lika brass in the funutoe. 

'^ And after all, Otho was right not to par his debts. He had been 
so long let alone br PixiutBaTOir, that when sea-attorney Fabub 
served the writ, with a few forty-two pounders to proceed to execution 
— Otuu bad, in his own belief, sufficient justification to cry ' llobbery,' 

* Piracy/ aod 'Murder!* How could Otho— knowing himself— expect 
that the plain and plodding M&. Wtse meant what he said, when, in 
tJi(! ftimi>|eH,t manner — and without any Court varnish at all — he 
inJoniicJ M. LoKDOS that War-Secretary Palmebston was by no 
means a man to be trifled with P That he had ships and metal at sea to 
back his demands : and a wise and fluent tongue in his head to juslifr 
them? Is it extraordinary that Oriio should forget that little brush 
at Acre F By no means ; for, to all experience, kings are sieves ; 
nothing— as Louis-PHiLtpPf, now of the Star-and- Garter, Richmond — 
nothing remains with them. 

"It is very true, my Expansive Double-Headed Friend, that the dirty 
money claim put in by Mb. Wyse did not amount to a thousand 
poonds. Not half as much as Lady Palmebston lays out in a season 
of evenbg parties : it is very true that the Greek Treasury— to say 
nothing of Otho*s private money-box — contained somewhere about 
nine hundred pounds: but then, what an extortionate creditor to 
expect,^ even under such circumstances, a peuuy in i^yment P England 
had quietly waited so long, it could be no matter if she continued to 
wait longer. Besides, it is well known, that of all countries of the 
earth, £ni^and has least need of mouev. At this moment there are 
miliiona lying barren in her Bank cellars. And yet Palmebston 
bulliea for a dirtv nine hundred pounds! Bullies Greece, above all 
other nations ! Greece that has given us Hover, Plato, Sophocles, 
■ad the Elgin Marbles I In the immortal words of a small minister, 
now departed—' It is too bad.' 

" Proceeding to extremities. Lobd Palmebston at this moment holds 
about 60 Greek ships, with the crews of each, as a security not only 
for the money due from Greece,-- but to assure himself of satisfaction 
for a certain act of Implied ill-mannert towards a few English blue- 
iaokets. Thia is really shameful. But then the Greek owners and 
Greek orewi must be mightily comforted by the distress yoa feel for 
them. The more so as your sympathy is warm and new, like new- 
dnwB milk. Hungary was a matter to make a meal upon ; so much 
nrbage. Bui Qr ee o e classic Greeoe* dear to the BAissian breast^ 
Greece is a land to feel, and if oooaiioa be, to weep for 1 



"There is no doubt, my Wide-spread Friend, but the abrupt and 
oontnmeliona Paucbbston— who doea somehow, with that adroit way 
of Us, get over the English Commons — by accepting the services of the 
Gallic Cock to crow bcrifween him and Otho^ did treat your £xten8iT»< 
ness with a spice of oontempt— with just a pinch of it. But then how 
serenely, bow beantifoUy. how benevolently, did you turn the War- 
Ministers iU*mannen to ^;ood aooonnt ! You cared nothing for per- 
sonal dignity, not yon. — if it was for the welfare of Greece. »> Otho 
was made comfortable, you cared not how much your feathers wero 
plucked or draggled. This is so unlike vour donble-headedness, that 
plain people are at once charmed and puzaled with it. 

"I fear, however, that you will make nothing of FAuraBSTOH : now 
northern Abebseen was another sort of person. Palmebeton, it is 
said, continually keeps John Bull in hot water ; but if he does, he at 
least keeps his hands clean, which could not be said of him when oared 
for by the auld Scotch wife who 'did' the Foreign before Pkxabj) 
Palmebston. 

" Accept my best wishes for your growing benevolence— seeing you 
have moulted your old feathers— and believe me, with every sign of 
respect, 

"Yours, 

"The Red Lion." 

[Mr. pMnek, in his wise impartiality, thinks it only fair to let the 
" Ked Lion " have his roai^-since much may be roared on both aides.] 



HOW TO SAVE THE TIME OF THE SESSION. 

All persons, both in and out of Parliament, seem to agree that It will 
be desirable during the present session to be economical of time, a com- 
modity with regard to wbich there has usually been the wildest extr»> 
vagancr. A suggestion has been thrown out that several membera 
should be allowed to spuk at cue time, an idea which we have long 
entertained, and with which we have on a former occasion entertained 
the public. There would be an immense saving effected by this arrange- 
ment, for inasmuch as the speeches if spoken in unison would in all 
probability not be heard, the unpleasant necessity of a reply would be 
avoided. A dull speech it bad enough of itself, but the worst of it is, 
that it may ^ve rise to a duller answer, and thus when a mere talker 
gets upon hu lega we never know the end of it. Speaking to no end 
at all IS quite a senatorial failing, and the conversiou of a number of 
harangues into a chorus would certainly assist the members to keep 
time instead of losing it. Personalities would also be checked, for two 
angry speeches going on at onoe would neutralise each other to a great 
extent, and — to make use of a chemical term — would correct each 
other's acidity. 



STOCK EXCHANGE. 



The following is part of a letter from Mr. Punck't Brokers, 
Messrs. Stao, Diddle, and Bolteb :— 

" The S^indleton Exteniiions are beared heavily, and so are the Gam- 
inontown Continuations. I think the latter would be safe at 1«. Zd. to 
U 4M. nett. Shall I take 1000 or 1500 P 

"A Director of the Bubbleton Junction has failed, having sold optiona 
krg^lj, and this event has occasioned a lively demand for Squeaktown 
Preferci^cen. May I take 500 of these at 94. 6d. ? The news from 
^Kuce is »Urmittg. The Pbesidemt has been iired at, and came away 
hy the tbiri-class eveniog train, with only a change of linen. The 
Socialist* are triumphant evprywbere. May I bear Paris and Bjouen's 
for you 'f You may sell 1500 or 2000 to deliver, safely. By the by, 
what do you say to a fly at Dragglestone and Dripstones ? They are 
tikel^ to he a good thinfr; Swikdle and Snafp are enquiring for them; 
6fi. h offered and 7id. would be taken for the pre- 
ferencfs 7i per cent, shares, including the dividends 
now due, which will be paid out of the firat funds 
coming in to capital i ccount. 



"Yours, 
Stag, Diddle, and Bolteb." 



1 



Nature's Uvery. 

We have lately witnessed a great tendency to what Cabltlb would 
call flnnkeydom. on the part of our old friend Nature, who is beginning 
to put on her livery of green for the season that ha^ just commenoel 
Her little lawns may be compared to velvet smalls, and every flower ia 
a livery button, while the pastures look as if she was preparing to stuff 
her calves. Before the end of the autunm we shall find I^ure wcariu 
the epaulettes of a golden harrest, which, however, will be all thraaheS 
out of her by the tdoae of the year. 



pp 



PUNCU, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



123 



k 



1^ 



KNIFE-AND-FOBK EXHIBTTTON AT TlfE 

MANSION-HOUSE. 

W« are proud of Eneland— prouder of London— mort proud of 
London's Mayor. Very beautiful wm it Iwt week to 8oc his ijordtbip, 
the type ftcd rcprrspntAtire of the commercial frrcatness of the snioky 
capital, sunounded by all tlic Mayors of tbe kingdom. 

" IJks « ■wwrt IlidUn with hU bfit ol beada, ' 

U was ft itraud nietropolilan disb. handsomely fc*rni»bed! 

HiK RnvAL HiGRNESs PiiiME Alubkt ituowcd, too, a full-hlowa 
pink of Vriuces. Nothing could be better tbnn bis speech. Simply 
giTfti, and strong with good Saxon sense. There was no diaper, no 
snip-snip about it : no uiuslin matter, worked with gold and silver- 
thread ; hut a man B speech, uttered lor the ears and hearts of men 
brought together upon two vital, national occasions ;— dinner and work. 
Glad sre we that Prince ALbEnx Uaa thrown "his hat" into the great 
ring of the world's industry. Delifihicd txi acknowledge that be has 
minded his PvmcK and retired from fel'. 

The Archbishop or C'ANTKKBrut spoke like an Archbishop. He 
was alraid that the Church mii;ht he indilTerent to the purposes of the 
Exhibition* they being secular. Why should bis Grace nare harboured 
such a modest doubt ? Tbe Exhibition will be the means — it is ex- 
pected—of icivinr us domestic comforts made more comfortable : softer 
carpets — easier cliairs—linen of a finer weh, and purple of deeper and 
wore enduring dye. Can the Church Yh'. indifl"er<»nt to these P Can 
lAmbelb neglect them— can Fulhani hold them as dust in the balance P 
We hope not. Agnin ; the Exhibition will have one j>eculiar feature 
interesting to all nations ; for it is whispered that it is the intention of 
BisuoF ruiLforrs to exhibit himself in sackcloth and cinders, as a 
model rpccimen of the meekest of martyrs. 

Tlie French Ambassador clubbed some exceltent English. Indeed, 
should bis Kxcellency ever translate any of his native vaudevilica for auy 
Enffli^h theatren, we predict that his success would be prodigious ! 

Then followed House of Lords and House of Commons ; the healths 
of Prime Minister and Kx-Prime — of Lady Mayoress and of all the 
Mayors— [it was calculated that their united gold chains would have 
reached from London (crossing the channel) to Dublin] — and then the 
Kakl or CMiLrsLB rose, and gave one of his best orations. And this 
was no wonder ; for it was the health of " the Workmen of the United 
Kingdom." 

This toast, as will be inevitably supposed, jraa received with nine 
times nine deafening cheers, and 

" Tbe IMnc0 of all 1b« boi] 

Ued Uiein on I" 

Indeed Pwneh bas rarely witnessed — with all his knife-and-fork expe- 
rience—such emotion ; such enthusiasm. The Prince cheered — Church- 
men dropped grateful tears — Ambasfadors embraced one another — 
liorda and Commons, and Commons and Lords shook hands — and in 
fact, one and all acknowledged the toast with feelings of the deepest 
gratitude. They reallv appeared to vie with one another in the outward 
expresstoa of scknowleclgnient and thankfulness. 

When the excitement bad somewhat subsided — 

A Workiko-Man (in a fustian jacket) arose at the lower end of the 
Hall, and the profoondest silence immediately ensued. The W\>nKJNO- 
Man said — (bow is it that his speech was omitted from all the news- 
paper*, it is not our buainesa or our pleasure to inquire ; it is, howevBr, 
oolh to aupply what others have failed to chronicle) — 

"Tour Rotax Highkess, My Lords and Gzxtlevek, 

"Ok behalf of hundreds of thousands of the working men of 
tbe United Kingdom, 1 am here to thank you. Let bye-gones be bye- 
KOnes; but this. I tlunk. is the first occaviun that Llie fuaiian jacket baa 
been acknowleaged ana received by snch a company, ('//^ar ' from 
pBJNCE Aldeht.] But, my Lord*, you embolden me to say in my plain 
words that the Meeting would hardly have been complete without it. 
The workiogmen honour tbe supertine coat of the nobleman — and 
respect tbe lawn of the Church. {' Hear' from the Lonn Mayor's 
CAapfain.) They admire and are grateful to I4ie red-coat of the tield, 
and the blue-jacket of tbe ocean; and now. Gentlemen, such feelings 
are only made the stronger aud the deeper by *he conviction that you 
have a somewhat like respect, and Uke recollection fur the fustian 
of labour. {Cheers.) We are to have, it seems, an Exhibition of 
Work — a great World'a Show-shon for the skill of labouring men ; for 
we are all labourers, mind ye, wnetber in fustian or super-saxony. 
Ujanahter and Chters '\ The Workmen of England rejoice at it ! Tbe 
norlLtnett desire nothing twtter than to know their brethren of the rest 
of the world ; ami to know them as men are best known— by tbeir 
works. iChetrt.) Well, Geollenien, we Workmen may not be able to 
talk French with Frenchmrn, and German with Germans; but if our 
tongues aru't skilled, we have our brama — our bauds— and our eyes. 
We can talk to a machine. {CMera.) That speaks all laajguages. A 
lever '■ a lever all over the world— a piston 's a piston. The; talk on 



ihe Nile m well as on the Thames ; and Jack CniiiAKAif— though he 
may be pumled a bit at first — begins to undetfttand Vm as well as JOHX 
Bull. (Cheers.) At thisExliibilion the biidnii and h.'uidsof all the world 
will spTHk one common tongue; and dei)eud upon i^ Lords and Gentle- 
men, the Warkmruof the United Kingdom won't go to the show without 
taking ••nme thoughts and iiotious worth a bit honie with them. {Cheen^ 
Some years ago, there was another sort of Poreign Exhibition in Londoa 
— of a sort, I hope, we shall never have again, — an Exhibition of Foreign 
Emperors, aud Kings, and Generali. 'Tisn't that 1 care about object- 
ing to tbem; but thev wrre brought here after Walerloo — at tbe peace. 
Now, I hope we shall never have another such celebration of ncaoe, 
because to hate it, we must have a war to be^n with. (' Bravo* from 
the French AmhatnaJor.) Instead of the Emperors of Kusaia and 
Austria, and Kings of Pru^ia aud Holland, »nd Hetmans of Cossacks, 
and BOfoKh,— let us have a Congress of Manufacturers; let all those 
kings send their rr^prMcntativcs to the great show-shop in Hvde Park, 
and depend upon it, they 'il have n hearty welcome from the ' Workmen 
of tbe United Kingdom ' " 

Tfa« Bprnker then sat down amidst loud and long- re iterated cheers. 
He was, however, scarcely seated, when he was summoned to t)ie 
presence of pKiiittK Auikkt, who shook him heartily by the hand; 
acknowledging thft prculiur obligations of bin\self ana all his class to 
the fustian JAcket — to labour. 



THE INFANT PRODIGY.— THE WHIG SURPLUS. 




Mt name is Surplus, On the various Bills 
My master something dock' d— a frugal Whig, 
Whose constant care was to increase his store, 
And kefp his overplus, myself, in band ; 
But 1 bad heard of squadroDs, and 1 longed 
To join, on Afric'a coast, some oosllv fleet. 
And the House granted what *tvouId have denied. 
Lord John, who rose one night as bold as hrHss, 
Would not draw in his horns ; when, at his beck, 
A band of waverers from Bei.lamt*s 
Hushed, Itke soft water, down into tbe House, 
Voting in flocks and herds. 

'Twas done, they said, 
For safety and for succour. Hi'rr, alone. 
With long harangue aud speech full of quotations, 
Hover'd about the ministry — to stop 
The wajr ther took. Then beating up his frienda 
Consistuig of a miscellaneous set. 
Went on attacking. The affair Hrrr led : 
Fought, and was cooquer'd. Kre a vote was given 
A whip from Downiug Street hsd done the job, 
Which wore that day the hue which now it wears. 
Hetuming home ia triumph, they diadain'd 
Economy's dull life, and luiTiog heard 
That some null chief was threatening in our eara 
To raise a row on the world'a other aide. 
I left the public chest, and took with me 
Some millions more to bear lae company. 
One sum that runs makes others rnn the faster. 
Voted with this intent, I bur.tt the coffers. 
And— fool'd away — 1 soon stiall go and do 
Some senteleaa de«d to wipe out e'en my name. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



f 




SINGULAR OPTICAL DELUSION. 

GeniUman. "Thim, Love: Do tou 61b that Stej^mer?'* Lad^. "Oh, distikcilt! Thbbe MXt two." 



THE MAYORS AND THE WHONGS. 

Wb b&ve received communications from two Mavorf«, who expreaa 
tl)^mBelvrs hurt at Ihor onii»Mon fiom the Imig list bt htftynri invitpd 
the o;her dny to the Mauaion House. The first, ol tbene cdiiplaiuunts 
is the well'kiiovii Maj/or ^ Qarratt, who, though his whole career has 
been & farce, feela indignant at havinfc been excluded from a nieeMny 
which mtiBt have contained many cbaractera as ludicrous as his own, 
and he does not see why, in his own Garratt, he is not. as good as the 
London Lord Mayor in his drswinff-room. 

The second expOBtul«nt is Ihe Lord Mayor in Rifhard iht^ Third, 
who writes through his represent ative, Mr. Gabkick Giumks, of the 
Stoke Po^is Theatre, and who intiniates tha' he ought to havr rew-ived 
aeardof uiTitation, inasmuch as his elevatioti to tbe Lnrd Ma>oraliy 
dates as far back at tbe year 1826, when he first took office under the 
inonarobT of Mb. Sdhund Kbaic, having been nromoted from the 
"cream-faced loon" in Marbeik, where his "goose look" was regarded 
as a bit of quiet nature, unsurpassed for its truthfulneBs. So thoruupliljr 
did he throw himself into the character of the " cream-faced lof^n," i hat 
he always took m a pint of milk over night, in order to get himself up 
with real cream, which he always regarded as the gmnd feature of the 
part as Sharsfeabe wrote it. 

We certainly think that it was a serious omission to learo out such a 
Mayor as this from the Mansion House Banquet, but we beUeve the 
potentate of the City of London was not to bUnie, though we cannot 
aav who is, and we must therefore l>e satisfied with taking tbe saddle 
off the right horse— or the right Mayor, at any rateu 



TovirG CHiKA. AW CGionitcn, 



iKntuoMcit from Hong-Kong states that "Long Cloths" have 
improved. Trade, in China, appears Ui be still in ita infancy. 



WHAT'S TO BECOME OF THE MARBLE ARCHP 

Now that BucLiuphant Palace is getting info a statoof completeness, 
the Marble Arch is in everybody's mouth, for all are aakinf^ what is to 
be done with it f It baa been stated that tbe process of carting it away 
wiil cost more than the whole concern is worth, and as Joh.n Bvll is 
not in the humour to pay vcrv dearly for another game at marbles, we 
cannot exactly pay how the affair is to be disposed of. Perhaps tbe beet 
mode of dealing with the difficulty will be to take the Arch into the 
Court ot Arches, by which process the most substantial piece of property 
in the whole world conld be effectuftllv got rid of. Somehow or other. 
the monsirouB pile of masonry must, be recrovr d, and the couutr/ will 
be obliged to an] body who will patriotically' give his head to the unsightly 
block, with tbe view of doing away with it. 



4 



THE HEIGHT OF FLUNKEYISM. 

In Mr, Caultle'8 "la/fer DavPamohift;* No. 1., " 7%e PrtteMi 

Time*' Mr. Pvnrk encountered Ibe BUDjoined piece of enigmatical 

phraseology : 

'* O^ttjai^mrJuyitm grown trnenlcDt and tmuceDdant.** 

The interpretation of this dark writing did sorely puEzle Mr. Punch till 
Friday last week, when the Time9 nude the announcement following: — 

" We hare Uw utlifWcUon of innc^inring Owt Ow ICabqdsm of Wsmuvrm, tba 
mo<l opulent tcvmbn* of lh« r.nglUh n'MMiij, bM fijully atUloed th» ol>j«ol of hto 
1U& ftnd li iippoiDted to tbe offins of liord Stewutl, Willi Om ftiU prlrll««« of currlng a 
VUM Ulek abotit, like Puiomidi In th« plAf, wlieii«*er tbe Quvni fflvw a p«rty to 
tba llegw." 

Tlie cruel self- degradation of a nobleman into a lackey is flonkerisni 
which may well be called " truculent." That it is " opaque," or daik» 
and " transcendent," or surpassing all bonnds, ia too obvious to rvquire 
demonstration. 



» 




1 



TABLEAU VIVANT. 



LORD JOHN AS THE INFANT HERCITLES. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



127 




THE GREAT VALUE OF RETIREMENT. 

T retirement » mao gftinB a gre&t good. 
It takes a man awa^ from the oasy 
world, and leavBt lum face to face 
with himself, wlicn be viewa his 
conduct io tbe mirror of hit tbou^hta, 
and, by the aid of reflectioQ, adjusts 
hii morals ; in the same way that a 
young man pulls up his shirt collars 
when, unseen, in some retired comer 
of the street, a fflaas tells bim they 
bare fallen a little too low. I am so 
food of retirement, that, if I were 
Lord Chaiicell9r, nothing should 
prevent me seeking it to-morrow. It 
itittst be »o awcet, I think, to r^tire 
with £5000 a year!— r/fl BwdU of 
th9 Ereier Arcade on Solitude. 



EXTRAORDINARY MEETING OP THE LAW 
AMENDMENT SOCIETY. 

Tuts admirable society, says our reporter, had an extraordinary 
meeting a few nigbta ago: and although we strongly suspect our 
corroapondent of having made the meeting first, and then reported it— 
a U Tom Thumb and the giants— we ncvertlielcMs give bim tbe 
benefit of the " copy " ho has prepared, by inserting tbe account that 
foUowa: — , J 1. L ■ 

LoKD Brouoram, as usual, took the chair, and opened the business 
of the meetiDK by writing two letters at one*, thinking of somelhing 
elw. talking about sundry matters, and exclaiming, "Now then, 
what's the business before us for this evening?" 

Ma. DuNUP rose to present his report on Legal Education. 

LoRii BaoDOBOi— Oh! ah! EsAcrly. I'm sure we are very much 
obliged tn you for coming here, Mh. Duwdp. I dare say you can tell 
us a good deal. Now then, gi»e us the benefit of your experieuce. 

Mn Dmnjp proceeded to state that the system of education for the 
bar was very defective, and nnneoeaaarily elaborate. Ho bad beard 
that a fee of a hundred guineas wii usually given to an Equity Drafti- 
man to teach the student to draw a bill. Whereas, he (Mk. Duutjp) 
had been taught to draw a bill and accept one too, for half the money. 
He bad also heard much from time to time of tbe intricaciea of an 
answer; for a bill and answer usually go together. But he (Mb. 
Duirup) had always one answer to every bill— and tlial was, " Not at 
home," through the letter-box ; or, when tbe answer was in writing. 
"Gone out. lleturn in an hour,** waa the form in which bo answered 
every hill tliat waa served upon bim. ,. ■ . , 

As to interrogatories they had become such a disgostmg matter of 
ronrine, that he bad adopted one uniform practice of refusing everything 
to everybody who asked, and considering that those who did not ask 
did not want anything. When he bad endeavoured to answer an inter- 
rogatory, he (Mh. Dcnup) found he was only opening tbe door to abuse, 
and as he would not stand to be abused, he now opened the door to 
nobody. 'This waa the school in which he bad learnt the law, and such 
waa the report on legal education he was prepared to lay before tbe 
meeting. 

LoKU Brocgham. Very kkkL A verv valuable report in its way, 
no doubt, Mr. Dtjnitp. and 1 sball be glad to have a copy of it. For 
my part. I have a total objection to the present mode, by which pupiU 
give a hundred euineas, or, as the lawyers oaU them, goM-^ht worst 
name in the worm, since trom sucti Qas there proceeds no enlightenment 
whatever. When I went into Mi. (afterwards Chief Justice) Tisdal's 
cbarabers, i was told to copy anything I could catch hold of, and rhc 
result was, I got so sick of copying in early life, that I have since 
become quite an original. At fidmburgh I used to attend Latin 
lectures, and when we were questioned, if the question began with 
hfimttf, we said Btiam ; and if it began with A» we said Non; bo what 
with the Notu and \Ji\t J^onnet, it was a pack of nonsense altogether. 
His lordship having, during this speech, written several more letters, 
rose from his seat, rushed out of tbe room, and left tbe meetiog to 
adjonm itself. 

BAUiT EI&IMQ KXTS&OaDIKAJlT. 
At the Marlborough Street Police Court^ last week, two persons were 
brought up for having pruciised imposition on the Durb op Wel- 
lington. To take in his Grace — if there is any t rulh in proverbs — they 
must have got up, as Sajctixl Pepys says, *' mighty betimes." 

Ah Advocatb fo» the Rjepbal or tui Wihdow-Tax.— *' Open 
the ahutlers, and let u more light."— 71*« LmS Word* qf Oifith. 



THE HOBNAIL SHOE PINCHDTG. 

" Mb.. Pttwch. 

" FucAsa Snr, T rites to inform y;oa that my Wagfs, I am sorry 
to say, is to be lored from 10 shilus to 7 shilns a week, witch vrith a wife 
and 8 children is m bad Jobb. I works for Faemeb Pmcuen, and be 
tells me Corn ha' fell so, that a can't aflbord to gie us tbe Wagis we have 
a had no moor. Wen 1 told un 'twas a hard case, ' Well.* a sez, 'artar 
all you wun't be wnas off than you wus in the old Purtccitsbun timea. 
Peiviabuns and Close has come down so much since then, that 7 Shilna 
will be as much to you now as 10 wus vormerly. Wot you loses as a 
Producer you gains as a Consoomer.* ' Consoomcr!* 1 sex to un« ' tia 
preshus little 1 consooms. Owin to Vree Trade I've oonsoomed a 
liUle Mate now and then o' late, instead o'consoomun nothun but dry 
Bred and Tnturs^ which waa all as I had to oonsoom in the days o' 
Purtecksbun. Now 1 must goo back to Tatura and dry Bred agin, I 
rpose.* 'Sorry for that,' sez PtKcmiR 'But wot ood ye ba me do? 
The Labour Market drops vri' the Com Market. 1 pays you fair 
Market price. Ye doan't expect me to meak ye a prrznt o* dree Sbilns 
a week, do ye V * No Sur.' I sei, * certainly no*.' Catch un makun a 
preznt to anybody of a rarden ! thiaka I ; but I kep that ere thought 
to myrelf. 

"Now, hr. Punch, I doan't nay but if Failmer Pincu bk's proffits drops, 
he bo quite right to lore Wages. Let un cut'em down Right and Left. 
But, drat it, cut 'em down both ways. Here's the Vflrnier, as I may 
say, atween me and the Lanlord; I on one band of un and the Lan- 
lord on t'other. The Yarmer hires Land o' the Lanlord and Labour 
o' me. If he lores the Hire o' Labour, why not the Hire o* Land as 
well P Why begin wi' Hire o' Labour ? For no razon as I can see but 
that poor Labour can't help his self, so tlie wakeat is the fiut to goo to 
the WaU. 

" Inkum bf in the same and prices ledooced laves, they tells me, a 
Surplus. I doan't know as I ever had much of a Surplus in the beat 
o' times, unless you calls a Zmock Frock a Surplus. But wot a Surplua 
tbe Lanloni must have with his Wages kep up and things so cheap as 
they be. Surely bis Surplus could be took in more easy than mine. 
Here's Sib RET^AKI>CHlv^I. Lanlord o*Mji.PiNcnza,wj* somewhera 
about Dree Thousand a Year, lives like a Lord. Low prices, X be told, 
IB a save to the Consoomer. Compared to SiA Kbtvaed, 1 consooms 
arter the rate of a varden rushlile in proposhun to a bomun vierf 
fumus. Here 's a feller as aaves money in consoomun all manner o' 
good thingt. ' Shear and shear alike,' the^ sea, but I be sure be eould 
affoord to have bis wages abear'd afore mme. But Fair Play 's a iool, 
and a pore man is oa like to meet with it as find a Dimond. 1 *ve 
beer'd o' the Fruits o' Vree Trade. I wish there could be made a Apple 
Sass out on 'em as ood be Sass for Gofrse as well as for Gander. Yours 
til Deth— witch i spoae wii be in the Workua. Hobmao." 



A Shot for OoTemment. 

OffB ot the slight objections to the maintenance of the African 
blockade is that a round shot, fired by a Britiah cruiser at a slkve-ship^ 
is «s likely as not to take an unfortunate direction, and go, crashing, 
right through tbe negroes. Anxious to prevcut ibis little inconvenience 
to the blacks from continuing to attend our operations in their behalf, 
tbe Government, Mr. Funch is authorised in stating, will give a band- 
some reward to anybody who shall invent a cannon-ball that can be 
warranted to avoid the captives in tbe slaver, and only liit tbe crew, or 
at lea;st to traverse the negroes without doing them any barm. 



COMTUIVED success OP THE BLDEH BBOTHZB." 

The failure of Mr, Locu Kilo's motion for distributing landed 
propertT, in cases of intestacy, according to the same rules as prevail in 
personal property, leaves the Elder Brother in possession of hll the 
advantages which he has so long enjoyed under tbe law of priuiOgeniture. 



They don't kaow & Joke -when they H«ar One. 

Wb always thought that the smallest joke went the greatest way in 
the House of Commons, and that honourable members were too ready 
to Uugh at tbe tiniest bit of humour. The following jeu-d'o^rii, how- 
ever, was received by them in the gravest manner. 

"MA.Hxn)soN hoped, from a Sense or Kightakd Justice, that the 
Cbanoellorof the Exchequer would," &c. l^^ever mind the remaimder,) 

The House never even as much as smiled ; and yet to bear HuDsojr 
talking of " RiCiRT a.sd JtsTiCB" strikes us as being the richest joke 
in the world. We wonder it was not received with roars I 



TSE TASTE Of SLA^I-BUCAR. 



It is curious that the British palate — in some respects sensitive to 
squeamishness— should not revolt at the smack of the whip perceptible 
in slave-grown sugar. 



]»H 



PUNCH. OH TIIK LONDON CHARIVARI. 



WOOD V. ItUICK 



TiiH <!iUNrri.i4Mi nr 'iiiK lUi iiKgiiiKK tiM kiliiiiritUy (linclMrffrU 
llin iliily itii|MiM<il on WihhL liy UkiiiK Hm ilnly itliofcHlinr (ifT hrirk, amt 
Itft liM Hum liiiill. I'nr liiiM>plr n iiiiitMiim-tir. ul wliicli rvnry unU&nl brick 
will (iinii iMii of Dip roitniUtiiiii. Ily hoimp it Ititn linpii nukk***!'*' ll>«'i 
mIipIih* pMivrtl liniiNPlI wliitt ii Iri'liiiU'iiUy, "r ViiliTHiIyi trritir<l Hbriok| 
III* tilioiilil l)fl nllnivrit In itllit liiHiiiiiiir rrum Sir ('iiAHLrs W(h)|i UiSlk 
riUHi.kii Hull K, witlmiil Hip i \iirii«n ol mi A«t. of Purliiimriil. It* was 
mil III lip RuiiiHiMnl thni Hip 1riii|itiM|c opiHutiinily fur |nnm wuuUbe 

IiUMpil nvri lir IIirI fi'pliti' hiiiuIpiI piitLnf Hip iH)|mliiiioii wliiuliiii lo 
iiml of "piiliriinR m u ilmililp mm^r." iiiiil ii('i'ii|iir« itHrlf in making 
|iiin", iiiHiPi limn h t(i|il Hip .loliiiiuiiinn nlli'iim'ivp of ]^)H'kin|c tHirkttU. 

Wp luivn Mpfivinl npvriHl liumlinli ol |i>(lrt)i, inqiiirinK wlirHirr all 
iliily ttllMin lakpii nil Hip ipkiiI»i liiiikn, nml wlirHirr wp oiimflvf*. aa 
thai r\hwiiilniair inrpnor liiininu rUy "njully liiiok/' luiisl hcUOcforUi 
l)p iHtuaiilpiptl aii,/«f- ilia >:!*"•■ ti, iti oil iluty. 

\\f i*HU only aay Htnl, iih Ui im wi> uir ronrpiunl, wp tin nut mraii in 
imr cIihihoIpi ol *'liii('k" In iivml outM'lvrn ol Hip riruiiitiun au 
UmUMv ptmfriint li) Sin riiiUMH Wnon upon hnrka iu frrurral. 
'i'lip itut> itiipoHpJ upon UN It n ittiti UP owp la oiirarlvi'!*, as wril aa to 
aoiMpI) , Aiiil UK WP i>Hn m'\pi !»• r\iHrlr»i lo pay onrM'lvon, llu' duly 
iniivl iPiuniu III liMvr, HtotiKli vp imii'imip ooiiii'HuHy (ll5oliarf;iiig ll. 
Up«iiIp>, Hip ilulv i« nol >pI l:>kiMi i^lT miiiAKi!*. »»•! a» wr arr the 
gipaunl piililio vpliiolp lot Hip i* tii\p)Hm'p oi pu'ivHiuik Hial la kikhI, 
WP oaiuiol |t> au) moitr i<l lokMiK aT Hip mKilri.bpiCKarilcil as ririiipl 
Iiimi tlui\ 




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c>« ■ '•■' ■»«■■ **' . "■'; '■'*■■'' "v >. .>. *• k«> ■*■».: S. "C^"''. "- 

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»^*^ 1* \ ., J.. ^1 -,rt-^r .iw ■*.•■» wv »v UlC iMEMK. t *:*--<*t j^k". ':jr 



Medicine, and Uiouth, by u Order in Council, nnkinft with a Lieu- 
tenant in tlie Atdit, lie had been obliged by the Admiznltj regulations 
to remain in the Midtbipmen's berth. Owing to the oonatant oonfuaion 
which there prevailed, he had been utterly unable to atudy or to refreah 
hia memory, and hence he had quite forgotten all the anatomy whick he 
once knew. Had he been free of the ward-room he could have kept up 
his knowledge, and the unfortunate result of his loaa of it, which he 
deulored as much a^ an.vbndy, would never have h^pened. 

Mu. UiciiAUU ^rKiTKLY. a young grntlr-man aged IS. Midibipmaa 
on board the Ti-uhnwh, and mesiutate of 1)h. Slice, will deaGhbe the 
peciiliariuen nf the Midihipmen's berth, so as to give an idea of the 
fttcililieii wliich it alTurd!! fur medical and Hurxical studies. 

The PHKsiitKNT of the Colleuk of Sukgeoms will depose that a 
Surgeon iiiual continually renew his anatomy if he would retain it. 
He will confess that, he aliould hiniselt soon forget all he knew of it, 
if he did not frequent tr, by tliougbt aud reading, recal its details to hit 
luiiurs eye. He will declare lh«t it would be impossible for him to 
tliink or read either, amid ihedistriLC'iuns of the Midshipmen's berth; 
and that fur any mental occuijation he should of the two prefiBrthe 
iiiiiKt head. 

Du. Slice will p'-oduc* nuineroiis tesliniouials, and call Tarious 
witnesspy, in prouf of lu^ former u'tuinments aud ci^ualifications. 

The ('uKoNEK will explain to tlie Jury, that it they consider that 
On. Slu'K diJipUyed cuUwhle iccninpe^ency, Ih^y must return a verdict 
of inanftangliTcr against him; hut that n3 man is to be considered 
respunmible for cousoquences arising from the misfortune of losing his 
n»fmory. 

The Jury, after a short consultation, will find "That the deceased 

t BaHMABAS BvKTiNG died of heeiuorrhage through the insbiU^ of 

I Hk. Slk'K to (perform a surgical op* ratien by reason of his having for- 

, giilten his knowledge of auatomy lor tlie want of a tit and proper place 

to mu.iv in on Itoara »liip, owing to the arrangements of the IjQras of 

<he Admiral:)." 



BEHjRAYIANS! Ml-ND YOUR M'AYS. 

\Vk have strong faith in the proverb, " Where there 's a will there's 
a way ;** but we regret to have met wi:h an instance in which we have 
t^eeu h«il9r\i. for bariLg lately the will to pass slung the King's Road, 
HP i*.ui a tind no vav ot dcirg so. 

Ttic Ku'g's Koad. Katon Siuare, is indeed in an alarming state; for 
i: i» as rampant wi'h ruts as a field lately under the plough, and 
vrr»eu*.« to the Ir^veiler a truly bar'ow;ag spec'acie. If a boras 
tenturrs upon it. i&e ^vor anukal ics'arlj experiecces the >!idttf 
Mi.-r%r%$^ lor he IS very «as::y c^vz^ a^d is nc: very easily got ap 

AVe CAnnot under^urd :he reason o: a prmctpal t joro"gfaiiare in the 
■"a*i;vn»bhe kvali'y o: Wk'.c-^ S;uAnf — ;se very tt^n cf Beigravia — 
Ivir.g :e:t in a sU'e of auiv.ost c;ou=.*a:LO^s ruegedn^M, i.n!f«« it is for 
' .' v'x^'^-^ve of c;T:7.f »>".:.e*.h;£f .;^e a tas;« ot tne Ups and I>owbs of 
', e v^ Sfte weathy ;r.-*A— . ia"*. 

We raie. :n ::e ivurw of cur cane*'. t-f*a :re<;-e!::> pu; to the 
vectf**:'> ci ea»* i:s irg * *" t-e lero c: aL'::>:'y. -»; run tmos^iaH 
•». -xin— Iw .. f :.wr r.zi a *** cr n aie ::t. We ^ic laooond 
;-\^,<-. 5V0W, o: »"-»••: we tco y jl;::.» si* *r.e »irf-. :i lie A'P** *• 
.'o? aacru '..roctr. *if a..- :4' Lx.«*"^t^\, ^i k.^^:<'JZi9''^BC ashes 
..* \p#ut:-*; »v :Afe i ..'lec .:-? pA".i:ir: .t\ '^t ^^rtage ^avea^aad 
'.-•^Viec <\tz \tt c?> fit* zi ''V-e-**c-e Fa:'k. W* mtc bcfsai-tiCsS 
4- " ti •-;■ l: ;.'e a. .: u'tr^np* v*' -i? N:-.i-n rt^.izs; w« have 
rro'-nTiprfc ";* ^\—:\.:.ti ■•: a ^las&uv :". a Sar'T*:*; ccz^v^j to the 
^liri. ari icc# :; '.i Twr — "■^r* k.zz a •.»-". :■»: " re lerer' no we 

;.v^:.n :-: ii-i '.t*:^*:.: k:^ :-d 'K^'* r.:.kL 'Lk::. >;.krc. 



A T\i3s« cjcv cut Owxi Tr.iaap>et. 
W » *.»r* *e« i*4fc wv r -fiar ^.: M!11 ar t ^:A*! %■ :»« * ExuacaOK 

see 1. 1^ • i«j rs rw-i :■ .v*-. -.*■ L.fc. :.-.^ 'f-^:. -n ■^rrcra.-r s*i.i 
* I 0.1 »•-■ .xii"*.! "lu 'i.ii..:.'-CiT. *■,-'_.: r-';!-? T.-.-! ".,c ^aicckt rf 
.v.t A. ttf-z ax' : 'L.i-* :• .''^~*<^ "9 :. :-: « .■« ; ."^k.^e . i >. :«» v Tlai't 



m '.-^tjuji^."*. ^s & *Lii.T a.>? 

". ^.-.x ^ «'!.:...■ V :w vnrf. -.lat V.v-. 'j-^.;^ :%' '.in i- iJLCt nccjff w^f 
t » ! :-'. ^'kJ^.tvS lJi» •kc * ..a^ti-wsii t .J. ■«;•... *k*>. »s «^ mapBH 

! -.-iitf — a :a: i^itfc saa Uiai. u^ .wi,;i]M iz Vn^^-^ic Ucaie 4f 




I 



GOOD NEWS FOR GOVERNESSES, 

WKVPR people mhy UUt 
about the dbfiicutfies at 
tending the poailioo of 
a Uorernesi, it is evi- 
dent, if there is failli in 
an advertisement, that 
the task of teachinir " in 
a genlleman's family" 
is a luxury vorth paying 
for. As to liberal aala- 
ries beiD^ offered to Go- 
verneuea, we do not 
wonder at the svitem 
being quite exploded, 
when we find that it is 
considered probable a 
"la-iy" will enter a 
" gentleman's fanaly " 
cm the terms set forth 
in 'he following extract 
frum a late sunplement 
(gratis) of the Tinut .- — 

ANTED, in & frttitlrnian'f familr, ■ LADY, w)io t* deiirou* of meeting 
with I oomTonaltid home, to iindertAlte the EDUCATION of TWO CHILDREN, 
nf tha MfM of leren «nd •iiftit yntA, uiJ vho wculd cuQ5lilcr t\t aboet a» equtntUnt 
to a taiary. She wontd be r0(|ulroil to liwlruci tlicm Id ■□ KnglUb oilur«Uoo, Frvoch, 
snd niule, wlihoot tlis aid nf mnitcn. Must bn U ibe KutmbllAhcd Church. OomI 
raftreooM. Addrau to A. T^ «t , 17, . 



agreeable alteniatire, for there were two or three droTen' doga 

attempting to make a luucheoD off oxtail. "The drover* did their 
utmost to keep poeseMion of the poor creature by holding him in 
tail, but be evidently objected to this new style of drawback on British 
beef, and the more they polled him one way, the more be tugged the 
other. Though he wa» anything but reserved or shy, the difBcnlty 
in drawing him out was tremendous, though the clerks attempted by 
persuasion to oonrince him that his departuro from the Inaurance Office 
would be the very best policy. The poor animal was ultimate!/ ejected, 
and it in not surprising that he wa* very much put out in consequence. 



9^/ 



SELF-EXHIBITION OF LORD BROUGHAM IN 1850. 

PuKCH fau to propose to the workers of tin, iron, or brass of all 
natiois, to send a specimen of the Weathercock BRouGnAit to the 
great industrial show of 1851. It io, we think, difficult to conceive a 
moresni^gestive subject for the matter proposed^ one more provocative 
of the inventive quality of designers ; more certain to call fortli the 
latent resources of meciianics. conjointly in the variety of form, and in 
the ease and rapidity with which a weathercock should obey "ever/ 
little wind that under heaven is blown/' 

The prize weathercock — the thing, from its peculiar oomptexitv, is 
worth at least a thousand sounds ; indeed, how manv national weat Iter- 
vanes have costs hundred limes the sum! — should be paid for, pur- 
chased, and set above the new House of Lords. This wou'd at once 
beautilitvto the building, and a compliment to Lord BaouciLUC 
Like the Duke of Wbllington. his Lordahip would anticipate post- 
humous honours and enjoy his signiKcant monument whilst in the flesh, 
And LotiD BRoncnAH has. a tliousand limes over, earned such 
This notification seems to imply that there is such a general desire testimonial. Ilis last— at least, at the tiate we write, his last— un- 
on the part of well-instructed gentlewomen to undertake the educa'ion conscious effort for such reward was in the House, when he discoursed 
of cbilclren that any one having I he oppoitunity afforded her of enjoying] upon t be promised Exhibition of 1851. Now, it may be remembered — 



such a delicious privilege, would probably ''consider the above 
equivalent to a salary." There is certainly something attractive in the 
surmounting of difficulties, and there may be, therefore, a kind of self- 
compensating principle in the task of attempting to beat information 
into the thick beads of the juvenile members of "a gentleman's 
family." "We shall expect to see shortly an advertisement forapig- 
dnver who will consider the pleasure of thrashing the pig as " equivalent 
to a salary." 

The siipulation in the announcement we have quoted, that the lady 
should be " of the Established Cinirch " ia quite characteristic of the 
sort of thing, for we always Qnd a little bit of religion dragged in at the 
end, to tone down the unchristian complexion of the rest of the adver- 
tisement. The probability, also, is, that the parties who are sosntiouslo 
get a little piety thrown info the bargain with the English education, 
the Frendi, the music, the German, the dancing, and all the rest of it, 
are desirous that in return for the nothing a year which they pay their 
Governess, their children should acquire a little of that religious prin- 
ciple of which thoy themselves have been left destitute. 

An uneducated parent is frequently heard to say, " Though I have not 
much learning myself, I should wish my children to be well taught ; " 
and in the same spirit no doub^ Iba advertiser of "no salary," and 
other hard uncharitable conditions, would be the first to demand 
•* decided piety," or a " religious turn of mind " in his poor victimised 
Governess. 



A BLACKFRIARS BULL FIGHT. 

It is not necessary to travel to Spain in order to get an idea of a 
Bull fight, for, on every Smithfield market day. there is a display of the 
conflict of the Toreadores with real Bulls in the neigbbourhood of Black- 
rriws. The vacant ground on each side of Chatham Place forms an 
admirable arena, where there are frequent contests between the Toro 
and the Pieadore—lhtt Bull and the drover. A few davs ago there 
was a splendid exhibition of human prowess on one sine, and brute 
instinct on the other- with a spice ot canine sagacity superadded, to 
give It a flavour. An active bullock had been playing "Mag's diver- 
sion," with a born accompaniment all the way down Farringdon Street, 
and had been indulging bis faoctious humour at the expense of the 
public, by butting at and making a butt of everybody he met ; when 
suddenly the drover made a blow at the animU's butt-end, and the poor 
creature with a marvellous ioBtinot of self-preservation, turned mto a 
neighbouring house, which proved to be the Cattle Insurance Company. 

The clerk m attendance thought at first that the animal had oome 
with the view of effecting an insurance on bis ovm life, and had almoit 
presented him with one of the usual forms, when, the bullock uncere- 
moniously upset everything in the shape of form by tossing over a 
bench that happened to be in his way, and making for the board-room 
with frightful vclocit;r. The poor brute was a good deal flurried, and 
he had do opportunity of turning himself round, for the space would 
not admit, of the operation, and the only way left him was to back out 
of the difKculty in which he had placed himself. This was a most dis- 



e^pecially by those capable of recollecting every new pattern produoed 
by every new shake of a kaleidoscope — wDat LoBJ) Brougbah uttered 
at the great Westminster gathering in favour of the future show. " It 
would be a marvellous exhibition t We should astonish the foreigner; 
amaxe him ! Not only amaze all aliens with evidences of our manufac* 
luring and mechanical skiil ; but. moreover, should confound and 
humiliate them by exhibiting a specimen of the special constable's 
suff, garlanded with civic oak-leaves, date, * April 10. 1848.' This, 
among other thinn we should do. and great would be the agglomerate 
glory thereof. Hia Lordship deeply pitied the crassitude of any man 
who could doubt it!" 

And now the wind shifts, and the weathercock points to an ill-wind^ 
an east-wind — that cuts as with a rusty knife the olossoms of hope ! 

In the House of Lords, Lord Brougham last week discoursed of th« 
Exhibition. As for the English manufaciurera, they would— 

" No doubt, l«an] someUiliif whettby to Imvrore the fabric of tbclr inumr*cturpi. 
Thcf imold not, howerer, locmuM lb« prlo* oc their onmmodltJn and lusnufsctarai. 
No, do: dovntdimn, dovtrt, tcn«U amm tkefrioMj—t^nd ao much the better wouiil It ha 
for us toe •ooMUMn, had ultimRtolx BO donbtfor thcDKlTot. Tktj/ wouid mat, Vnsmr 
Jlnd tktM w#vftl (nUtt ta>tf sf II leaa fn UU /rwrpecl." 

Every word of this might have acted ai another button upon the 
breeches* pocket of manufacturers and tradesmen ; shut ting up the sub- 
scriptions that otherwise would have come forth. We say, "might 
have acted," had the orator's turnings and shiftings been less notorious. 
The wordf, however, are harmless. No one predicts from the weather- 
oock of to-day what point the wind may blow from to-morrcw. 

Lord Brougham protested against the erection of the required 
building in either of the West-end parka. " In Hyde Park it certainly 
must not be." There was, however, an eastern park. "He thought 
that the building had better be erected in Victoria Park." This sug- 
gestion brought up, of course, the whilom genius of Woods and Forests, 
and especial protector of the poor man's ' bit of green " at all times,— 
the Karl or Carlisle. 



" He miild not an any reaion why thalr UmUhlpa ihODld be more toodur to thn arla- 
tocratical lunca of one portion ot the iDCtn|n)U tbaa thoy wen lo taooe of tbo doaaely- 
popuUiod distYicC la th« mlfbbonibood of Vlotorta Park." 

Wliy, no. And then folks who drive in Hyde Park, may drive a little 
further from London : and, we believe that none of the weavers and 
spinners of Spitalfields keep carriages. Indeed, we almost incline to donbt 
whether they can vindicate their respectability even in a Sunday gig. 

The West-end parks — quoted liORD BROUGnaM— " have been called 
tbe lungs of the metropolis." But, then, it is otherwise with Park 
Victoria. Spitalfields having little use for the belly, can tbe less regard 
a " tubercle " on tbe lungs. 



TEMTSBANCB TOAST. 

Tm papers stale that at the anniversary festival of the Marine 
Society, after dinner "the usual round of toasts was given." Fathrb 
Matitew himself could hardly object to toasts in tbe form of tbe round* 
If the toast of the evening was buttered, it is not likely that any 
member of the Marine Society Rot half seas over. 



Ko. 4b5.\ 



PUNCH, Oli TIIE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




A PICTUEE 01 AXIMEKXrVEHESS, 

A. 27 [C£ LITTLE BIT OF PISH. 



THE MAYORS. AND THEIR COATS OF H^ITL, 

PaETions lo tJj6 recent displny of arplendid liospiulity hj tlie Lotld 
Mayor of LondoD, »bo invited nearly *ll his brotiier Mnyars to a grand 
bddqapt — and turned llie MnaMon House iuto a refjulair mArea' nest, fur 
that nig bb only — cmuinunicfttions were f&rwarded lo the dilfereat towns 
for tba purpose c f iuqolrias: aa to this Arms of the Corporation, wiiU 
wbfcli it was intended to adorn the colunins of the hiitl of fefetivitf, 

Soms of Ihfl provincial Mrtfora were very riiucU puzzled to b*t wliat 
tilt ir heraldic bfciringa renUy -were, and aa Mb.. Bukk:^ was not af; hanJ, 
to be consulted in every case, aotrift df spera^te Kuesae^ were made by 
Bcverftl of tlie beadi of the provincial Oorporationa. Wo pive a f^w 
specimftEis furitished by oar rt^iJOtter, wLo s^oke m to low a tone that 
ve DouJil scATdnh cateh it, though he deserrea to oatcli it if li€ has been 
^tlLy of mlalendilig U9. 

BATit,— A Bun rampan^^ in a Bath Brick-field* Bath-chapa as 
Buppnrlers. 

£riguton.— Six ErigLton rocks on a lozenge, and one box of lozenges 
by ilself, 

CASTEBBtmy. — A Cantcihury on a shield gulePi quartered with a 
MuKic-Btool srffenl, and tiie ntotto Piano-for^e-tcr ia it^ 

Cu£LTENUiM.— Salta csitekini, witli a lozerife « atrierft Ehowing 
that lh« lotenffD may be taken alter the aal^a if reqiiired, 
_ KiBUEitMissTEit.-^A Carpet on a plain p:roiiind, a ruR and tlire* bars 
BtniaLer of polished steel with poker and tongs as eupporter$j and 
appropriate aLaniardi* 

MABJ3ATE. — A pair of iLippers glma^t^ held by a battdng-woman 
naianie^ and two doukey-boya rfgardftui, 

Rte. — A Lion dormant^ with a Rye f&ce.^ 

WiWD30R.— Soap in aquarea, with, a Poor Knight of Windaor latheranii 
and a butcher's boy bluiani. 

Yarmouth,— A herring gules, on three bara aable. 

The above are only a few of those wliieh were sent in to the Mansion 
Houae aa emblems for the Cormthian cr>]iirnna of the Ej^ptiaa Had, 
and politely declined oa the ground of there being na looin lor them. 



AK EXPEDITION THROUGH THE DEBATES, IN SEARCH 
OF CmSHOLM ANSTEY. 

A N expedition haa been formed, of some six hardy individnals, toTmtnre 
m pearch of GHisimLH Anstet. It ia supposed that he is completely 
bat, for lie baa not been beard of for some tmie past. He diuppeared 
last aesaioHj and baa not been seen since. 

Tbe intention is lo set out on the very dav that Parliament opened. 
There ia an inimfnbe tract of barren debates for the expedition to cross, 
and it ia CDuildeni iy asserted Ihat it will never be able to get half-way 
through, it. If any trace is found of him, intimation is instantly to be 
atnt lo the Home of Commons. ^ 

The expedition has our best wishes for its success, thongb we eannot 
help having our f tars as to the result. Is it prudent at this lime of 
the ycar» we A^k, when the Debates are much colder than usual, to 
vgh I urc in search of such an objecbP How will they find a passage through 
immense blocks of speeches, that seem as if they must crush the person 
who comes near them. The six individuals, we are told, are to relieve one 
another, and never more than three persons are to sleep at the same 
tmie^ This arrangement is highly commendable: still, if the torpor 
bhould be too much for their hardy natures, ana they should aU six 
give way to ths feeling of overpowering lassitude that is known to 
attack every one who ventures in those frozen regions»it is horrible to 
think of what niu»t inevitably be their sad fates ! We implore this 
^ ^etieroua half-dozfu of impulsive souls to pause ere they rush into the 
expedition they are so madl;^ bent upon. 

iVc shall from lime to time publish accounts of the expedition as 
tliey reach us, and we only hope that the whole six may return safe. 
We re^et to state that not a single oftlce in the City would insure 
their lives. 



BRITANNIA'S SWEET TOOTH. 

I'm the Genius of Bbitaxnu, and, you know, I rule the waves, 
And I form'd a resolution to put dovm the trade in slaves. 
So I 've fitted out a squadron, and it costs me very dear. 
At the lowest computation full a million pounds a year. 

Yet the slave-trade I'm maintaining all the while I 'gainst it fight, 
I support it with the left hand whilst I strike it with the right; 
Of slave-grown sugar, being cheap, a vast amount I eat, 
I have such a tender conscience, but a tooth so very sweet ! 

Goose's liver is a dainty certain foreigners derive, 
So I have heard, from roasting the unhapp}r goose alive ; 
My laws with punishment condign would visit any wretch 
Who dared the culinary art so cruelly to stretch. 

But were I the chief consumer of the fruit of this abuse, 
I should surely be partaker in the torture of the goose : 
Am I not then an accomplice in the wickedness and shame 
Of lashing into sugar the tormented negro's frame ? 

There is negro in our puddings, in our pies, our cakes, our buns ; 
In our jellies, creams, and custards, there are Adah's sable sons ; 
There 's negro in each cup of tea the smng precisian sips. 
And thinks that he has done no wrong, and wipes his holy Upa. 

I am certain that the trade in slaves my cniisers scarcely touch, 
I repress it very little, and promote it very much; 
If I mean that it should cease, I must renounce my toothsome sin, 
Resolv'd from this time forth to take no slave-grown sugar in. 

But I can't resign cheap sugar : so I 'II keep up my blockade, 
For appearance sake— by way of demonstration and parade : 
Though I must confess I'd rather not be forced to spend the sum 
Of a million pounds per annum to maintain a costly hum. 



OnracT OP Mn. Sttjabt Wortlbt's Maultage Bill.^To spike 
■n ecclesiaitic&l caaon« 



Sacrifice Extraordinary. 
A KBW8PAPEB advertisement announces that 

" A profeuknul gentlemui U Instructed to sacrifice Tn&EB young wand Hobbu 
at half their cost." 

We wonder what deity horses could be sacrificed to F Hnuir, 
perh^ : for when a gentleman marries he is sometimes foroed to give 
up hifl stud. 

THE STETHOSCOPE AT THE NATIONAL CHEST. 

We understand that there is at present an accumulated gold deposit 
at the Bank, which is likely to increase. Nothing has been heard for 
some time of John Bttxi/s tightness of the chest ; but we expect that 
he will soon begin to comnlain of weight and congestion in that region ; 
where there seems to be always something more or less the matter with 
the poor invalid. 



PUNCll, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



131 



OUR LITTLE BIRD 




A flRBlKD IN SBEtP^ CLOTUIKO. 

Puxcii, liaring 
taJtrn asniiitar^ 
survey of I be 
whole country, 
reports a« fol- 
lows: "The dir- 
liest place in 
the United 
KiDRdom ii 
MR.FnnRAKD's 
liiuuth " 

And this re- 
port i» nccoui- 
pftnied with « 
Biulnesii, with a 
f^^intncHs of 
ht'urt ; for 
PuHch^ lifter 
nmcii pftuder- 
in*!, is fttill ffr»- 
veiled for » re- 
medr. How is the nuisance to bo abMed ? By what means of flushing — 
by what extniTaertnt prant of money, exp^^nded upon any quantity of 
cneiuicalsP Will Sia Hobbrt Peel or Mr. Coudkn a'ti;ni|it the i>«rt 
of CuETina, and leap into the ever-open, CTer-widening gulf P Will 
all the aocieUes. unit^ for early closing, endrarour a remedy? For 
ourselves, we can only hit apon one poor chance of sucoeas, the applica- 
tion of neglect. VVbeu Luther wa^ spiritually sublimed, wrouxht by 
the greatness of his work, he heard, he lelU us, a mitfhty noise in the 
next room. "But," said he with an after-thought, ** knowing it was 
only the devil, 1 took no notice nf him ; for there is nothing that so 
irk« the devil as contempt." Will the newspftpcr preai henceforth 
perform the part of Luther to Ferr^nd, I be foul-moutbed and vocifr- 
rons P Will they, for all future time, ttike mercv upon their readers, by 
taking no notice of the noisy man, whose liul bluster was at the town 
of PoDterract ? We hope so. 

However, the press, having imwarily prinied Mil. Fcrrvno's brag, 
it becomes the uneasy duty of i'uncK to disburse a few word^ upon it. 
i'wkiA will linger no lunger on the master than he holds lo ho oarety 
neceasary : for Punch likes not the reek of the Ferhanu nosegay ; his 
flowers of rhetoric are truly flower of brimstone. And bo, wi'h a 
closed nostril, putting aside the bunch of noioon^e epiUicLs culird 
for poli'ical opponents, come we to the Fkrra^nd remedy; and the 
remedy is— the sheep. 

Mk. Feruajd presches a Wool League. The Fleece rrrrus the 
Cotton Tree! Mr Fi^rrand makes the vheep the symbol of KtiRlaiurB 
regi-neratioD. Having shorn it, and spun the wool into the agricultural 
unifonn, he would, no doubt, stretch its parchment info drum-head-, 
and beat dismay through ibe streets of Manchester. Who would have 
thought it P The tall cotton chimnies, levelled with a thundtring craHli 
to (he earth, — pulled down by a line of worsted ! Wh<\t a polit ic spider 
is Fekr.\wii, and with his woollen web, how be will catch and fatten on 
those gdded Qies, Brioiit and <>ovden ! 

The tedious monotony of the time will be pleasantly, hilariously 
broken by the two pftrlics. into which all England will— hint* Ferband 
—immediately divine itself. The li^ht will be a contest of worsted halls 
and cotton balls ! And the contest will be the lierccr, the richer, too, in 
interesting episodes, inasmuch as the principal combatants will be of 
the softer, and, therefore, more pugnacious sex. Kvery other woman 
will bear a flag of worsted — will fight under her own particular banner! 
'* At present," mourns Febrasd, " it is cotton above — cotton below— 
and cotton everywhere." Wait awhile; and inevitably the cotton will 
be wonted. 

Plain-minded people may vainly seek the source of inRpiraf ion whence 
Ferrand drew this deep and bcautilut idea. PmhcH — who knows every- 
thing — can at once reveil the oracle that instrucffd the patriot— it was 
notUin|c less lluui a sheep's head. Fit teacher, Gt pupil! It is a wtrll- 
Kccredited itory, that Mahomet— who. like all truly ftreat men, was 
l)eautifuliy bimple in his taitra— mucli ndmiri'd shoulder of niuitun; 
a di»h, by the way, drliKhtrd in bir auoLltrr R'tal man, who, however, 
wu nut a prophet— George tub Tiiijui, I he I'Vher and Farmer of his 
people. Well. Mauoukt, says the legend, was about to parlake of liis 
larourite diati, and bad made the first prinic lucisiuu, when the yawning 
elioulder found a voice, and cried-" Beware, prophet! For I, your 
much-tored joint, am poisoned. FUt me. and you me," 'i'hos tt was 
that destiny made vocal even a shoulder ol inultou lo preserve the man, 
clioven and beloved by fate. 

And BO it was with prophet Perrand U was at the end of the 
•eoond week of March, when FiKKA.tu— hungry fruoi cuatciu|)Utiuu, 
deep ud keen, of his Ouuutry's wrongs — sat down to dinner. Great 



men. we hare already aaid it, bave simple tastea. The diib best-belored 
by FzRRAVD is sheep's head ; sheep's head, with its buttered brains. 
Of these brains— innocent nutriment I-Ferrand, by way of prefao^ 
partook; and was about to flffb his carving-knife in tbo head itself, 
when the jawsopf-ned, and— (wonderful to report! with the longne 
lying in a separate plate) — the head spoke audibly thus — "Hoa^- 
mouihed Ferrant). dear to clods and men! Take what. I need, and 
with it spin a yam, yea, many vams, and save your mother-land. Yon 
flball go forih in your armour or hose, and win. Accept this as a happy 
omen— I speak without br*ins ; be worthy of your oracle." 

Whereupon, after much selt'-preparalion, i'ERRAiVD went to Ponle- 
frfict, and, first sweetening bis mouth «ith indifcenoos liquorice, he 
then preAched the AVool League ; he then and there enacted the part 
of Shfrpface with stunning applause. Hin one word^-hin nionosvllahic 
battle-crj- — was " Baa-a," a word to be worked in blood-coloured 
worsted on the bannrr of (he farmers — a word at once to float abofo 
and doom the "loplfss" chunnic^ of Munchet>ter 1 

AH tins is vast and comprchennvf, hut. this- thr grrat wool question 
— admits of a still drcpcr considrraiion; of irra'mrnt. deep hs the 
vrave. It wilt be a grand acbievi-m-nt lor Mr. Fkura^su to aivKJe the 
kingdom, arraying native Hannel Against exotic cotton. The feudi of 
the Neiu and the Bianciii will ba cut tnio oblivion by the deeils of 
the two civil armies, the homely yeoman woibicd, ami the suhtlo. 
foreign twist. The bulletins will be of marked mi<1 curious intirest 
It wilt bo delighl-ful, sustnining. lo read of houses invraled by the 
flannel forces, and brought down to their last piece oT cotton, which is 
then hung out of the garret window, in token of parley; the enemr 
being at length permitted lo march cut with juft one pocket-bond- 
kercnief Hying, symbolical of bis sorrow and discoui6Lure. 

All this, we say, will be very delightful, and the really patriotic heart 
glows even by anticipation ; but, there is yet another glory for wool ; a 
glory, it is true, symtwliscd by yew and cypress— for it is a glory of liie 
churohvard. Let the law — the law most ihamefally repealed — be re- 
enacted, making it compulsory upon the dead— for an Act of Par- 
liament is all potent, thinlc some folks, even on the other side of Styx 
— lobe buried in home-grown wool ; in staple flannel as our grand* 
fathers were^ so that even in the grave we shall lienrr>forth defy the 
foreigner, Rnd not be made, as now, unpatriotic innur cofFios, cnnnbling, 
ahamefuUy crumbling, in imported cotton. Then the country chuicli- 
yapd will be, as i^ was wont, a »CRne for commiugling ireditiuion and 
patriotism. For whilst the great public moralist, with clouded eye on 
tombs'oncs, reads the swift decay of all things, his ear is ploAMntly 
smitten by the sheep-bell, and he sees the wellier and the ewes hi ing 
the sweet grass of the heaving mound, and — his eye and heart cheered 
and expanding with the view and thuuph!— he thinks wiih phasure ol 
the wool above the grave, and the wool within it. As it is, wc feel 
that Mn, Ferrand— with his conmrehensive sjmpatUies— must con- 
sider even a country churchyard desecrated by the under-ciup of 
foreign yam. We have now no such poetry as Gkay*s A'/e^; and 
wherefore? We burv in cotton. The poet's true inspiration was 
from flannel. Is not the sheep eanecially the creature of ArouLo ! 

Tom our thoughts where we will, we receive from wool a sweet sig- 
niGcADce— a teaciiing comfort. When thrifty huswifes would lay by 
their savings, what so often the chosen repoeitory as an old stocking? 
The true Savings Bank is made of the fleece. 

Our domestic history is full of anncdotes in glory of the shcco. And 
yet the folks of Manchester will believe the "web of life" to ue made 
of nought but cotton. But ovine triumphs are everywhere about its: 
in the symbolic tbriftiness of old s'ockings, in the blazs and varied 
splendour of illuminated windows. In Thoreton*s Nottirngkamitiiie 
there is asufllcing illustration of the might and wealth of wool. "Oua 
Mr. Barton," sara our author, "a merchant of iho Staple, built a fair 
stone house at Holme, in Nollinshamshire, and a fair clupel like % 
pirisb church. In the windows of his house waa this posie, — 

I ihank G<iD, And flv«r kIikII, 
It t« UiQ Blic«ji hftth paid for «U. 

A thankful and humb!e ackaowledgment of the means vhrrtby he 
got his estate." And so, when Iho victorious Ferrawd shall have 
conducted the great flannel and cotton war to asuccea<fiil issur, so 
would we have his triumph eternised by a rescued and giatrful ouuniry. 
We bouglit a Btenheiin for Marlbokouoh— a Strallifieldsaye for 
Weu.ikotok — why r.ot a Shepherd's Bush for Ferranii? And when 
the estate shall be purchased, and the monumental edifice erected, let 
all its windows be ennched and brightened with »o:iie giilden pone,— 
And furlher decorated with the hern of the verse, the illuminated 
Ferramd in sheep's clothiug! 
This woidd be a sweet sight for all men ; yea, even for 

A LiTTLft Biro. 



T11£ LOTSLT BEX TISmCATBO 

We see a bouk advertised under ( he extraordinary title of " WoMal 
1^ the Nisktrrntu Centoet." We hope this is a satisfactory 
refu'atiun of the absurd fallacy that DO woman CTtr lirea beyond the 
age of forty ! 



You xvia-is-xt. 



132 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CTTARTVARI. 




THE SIGHTS OF LONDON- 

SiA,<— I AM a CQtintry gGniletvan, 
InGrni III health, AtriclcRQ in 
rear^ nnd only occasiottfLlly 
Tiaitiiij the melropoli?, of which 
the dBBRere, and ih nous and 
ihs crctcd^^ Are soTnenhftt too 
muck For niy quipf: ntrTci. But 
At thia st^a'tou of i)aiter. bavin^ 
oc^Asion to i?oin« to Ltrndon, 
where my bdh rcaides^ 1 waa 
indiEC^-d to f nke hid carrtA^e and 
\m H?e darling children for a 
day's siclit-secinff. And of sight- 
Eeein* I have hadj Sir^ enoti(;li, 
310 1 fctr a d&jTp but for mif whale 
i'fe. _ I 

" My Bon'9 leftidence is in tlic 
elvi^Rnt nf ighbQiirhaod of P-rt- 
ni«n &jHwe, and takinqr liij . 
cnrria^e, of which boMi llie 
horse mid driver are perfpc'ly 
a'cndy Aod pnst ihn priiiic of 
lifr, oiir llrst vi^it wa^ to the 
MVutrbrorPLinii, in llie Kcpcnt/a 
Park J where I was told tonii; 
Jipat minlings were exhibifeii, 
aiid I could view some scenes 
&f. Ipftst Df foreif^n cdnrit.riea 
\vi liou' tlie iliin^«T nml fa'igiie 
0' tieTsoiiAl tiiivfl. I pfiiil my 
iihOEipy a1. the; tiilr<iiicd nf the 
huildiTifr, And en'eri'tl \vilh my 
iin^iKiiicioii't \vi]k chrtT^^(ji in^o 
OiB inbrior oC Uie building, Sir, i» i^ hkii iKb ru'ruiic^- 1o I he 
EletisiniftR rnjatcHpB, or wbii,'. I hitv.^ h^cn piv^^n In iiTid(T*;tand ia 
I he init'ation into Ii>ectiij^!&onry. We p'uvgcd out (if the H^ht ittio 
«iich ft profound darkness, ihht my UftrliiiK Axsa Mahia initAti'ly 
began 'M cry. We ri-L'^ we wire in n chB.Dihcr, Sir^ disiily creak- 
inft And mavin^ nnderntnth Ti<t— n horrid siftLsa'iQii ot st a sickness 
ard terror orercnme u<, and 1 wm uhiioat ai frighteued as my poor 
innoceut AnvtA. Maria. 

"The [irfit thing wc paw was a pha^llv view of n chnrfli— t.lie 
rafhcdraloF Sdint Sepulctare'?, at Jericbo, i htlievc ii. Wft^ calJtd — a 
dreary pile, with not a soul iiL it, not so much as a prw-opEHer nr 
v^T^er to whom one could look for refripe from tliP sjliniile nf tha 
disn rJ. Sir, 1 donV cnre to rjwn 1 am frE^li'ened at I>:in(? in achiircli 
alone; \yfA^ once lorkrd up in onr at l.lie a^e of tliir'eui, havintf 
fallen aslppp ihirinir Iho ^ern oo^ and though 1 hiivc never tecti n eliosi, 
they are in my fjiimlv; my grantlninlhur saw oug. I hatf: to look u'. a 
grea', ghAslly, naked rdiiiCj p^vt'd ^iUi (EraTciaioiie*, wnd surroimdcLl 
witheiiitEiphR ftiuJ iicAih*s lirad*, nnd I ownlliAt 1 ILouaht a walk id 
tUti i'nfk TToulii h;ifu Wi n iiiore ilitjcrfid Mmn this. 

"Aa we looked ht thr;, picturf^, the dreary church bt-CMtifl more 
dreary: the thadOA^s of iiigut (by Jiienns of dirtrtina and oontrivanCfs, 
which I heard in the luck par!, ol lite rriyaU^ry tn^kinp an awfid flHpijinn 
apd puJIing) ftll dfcplj and more lerribiy on the accne. it grew jtiLch 
dark; my poor little om-s cIudr convulsively to my knees; an orpHU 
commenced playing a dead march — it was niiduight — tapers prestutly 
bcKAU to flicker in the darkness—the orpan to moan more dismally— | 
and suddenly, by A hideous optical delutiun. the church was made to i 
appear a^ if fidlof people, the altar was ligliled up with a moriuaryi 
illumination, and the dreadful monks were in their stall?. i 

" I have been in churches. I have thought the sermon lonar. 1 never ■ 
thought the real service so long as that painted one which £ witntssed 
an the Tenebrorama. Mv <Iear children whispered, ' Take us out of this '■ 
place. Grandpapa.' I wouhi huve done so. X siarled to get up— (the, 
place biing now dirnly visible to our eyes, Rccuslonied lo the darkness, ■ 
and disclosing 1 wo ot her wru'chf 5 Ixjking on in the twilight besides our- 1 
selves) — I started. 1 say, to get up, when the chtimbcr began to move 
again, and I sank back on my sc/tt, not daring to stir. 

"The next view we saw was the Summit of Mount Arara*. I belJev*, 
or else of a moun'ain in Switzerland, jmt before dawn. 1 can't bear 
looking down from mountains or heights ; when taken to St. Paid*s by 
my dear mother, as a child, I had well-nigh fainted when brought 
out into the outer gallery ; and this view of Mount Ararat is so dreadful, 
so lonely, to like nature, that it was all 1 could do to prevent myself 
from dashing down the peak and plunging into the valley below. A 
etonn, the thunderous rumble of which made me run cold, the fall of 
an ATalanche destroying a village, some lightning, and an eclipse I 
believe of the sun, were introduced as ornRments to this picture, which 
1 would as lief see agdiu as undergo a nightmare. 



" Mors dead than aUtb. I took mv darliog children out of iho pkee, 

&nd tenderly etnbraecd them when I waa out of th« door. 

" The Haidorama is neit by, and my dear Httlc third gr&ndchLld 
inBiated upon seeing it. Sir, wa unsuspfcUng ones went into the 
jjlace, and saw, what ao you t!iink P— the Fdrthquakc of Liabon ! Ships 
were toBsed and dashed about The river before us ia a frightful moniaer. 
Convents and castles toppled down before our eyes and burst into 
Qames. We heard Iho al^rieks of the mariDcrs in the BtDrm, the groani 
of the miserable people being swallowed up or smsflhed in the rocking 
reeling ruins— tremendous darkntss, turid lightning flIlAbe^ And the 
awful booiTiiag of thunderbolia roared in our eArp, dfizzled our eyes^ 
and friffhteiK^d our lenaea bo, that I protest 1 WA3 more dead than ad i to 
when I quitted the premises, and don't know how 1 found myself in mj 
carriage, 

"We were then driven lo the Zoological Gardens, a place which I 
often like lo visit (keeping Kway from the Lirger b^Eutf, mcH as tlio 
beftrs, who I often fancy mayjump from their polca upon oerlain unof- 
fending Christians ; dnd the howling tigrri and lions who are continu- 
ally btilng the kerpera' heads off), ami where I like to look at tfao 
monkiea in the cages Uho Utile rascals I) and the birds of T&rioui 
pLumage, 

"FAJicy my feeling?, Sir, when I saw in thwe gardeaa- m these 
g&rdens frequent ed by nursery *niaids, mother^ and qhddren, an immense 
brute of an elepliai^t ^hout a hundred feel hi;^h rujifhing about with a 
wretched liUle child an liis buclc, and a s^in^le man vainly Fnd?avouriD|t 
to keep him! 1 ntiiTtd a ihriek — I rall<<d my df'ar children round 
ahout. me. And I ani not i^hnnied lo confess i^ Sir. I ran, I ran for 
refuge into a building hard by, where 1 saw- Ah, Sir! I saw aq 
inimcnse hoa tons' ric'or swAllowing a live rAhbil— svAllowing A Jivo 
rnbhir. Sir, and looking as if he would have swallowed one of my little 
boys nlu-TWurd^. Good Heavens i Sir, do we Uvo in a Chriilii^n 
country. And are pKrenta and children to be auhjtcted to sighU like 
liuesc Y 

" (!liir nrit visit— of pleasure, Sir ! bear wjth me whrn\ %by pleamra : 
w.iatoihp Wajtwork in liaker Street, — of which 1 have only to aay, 
tim*, rather th«in hL^ liift &loue in ^-4^^ gidlerj At nj^hl; wiib those 
slaUies, I would consent to he locked np with one of rhe horrid lions 
at <lif> Zoolopic^il n>ir dens.— There is a woman m black there lying on a 
sofa, and wbyse brcn^t henves— there is an old mnn whose h[ad is 

always slowly lurnfng round— there la Her M tv and the U-y-1 

Children looking ji5 if iJiey all had the yellow fever— sights enough to 
terrify rtT/y Christian I should Ihink— sights which, neTcrthelesa, as a 
man and flgraadfftther, I did not mind uadergoiug. 

" Rut my second boy^ Tommy, a prying iitile dsre-devil, full of mis- 
chief, must iii.ii-ii upon our going to wbht. he called the reserved apart- 
ment, where Navoleos's carriage* was, be said, And other ciirioaitica. 
Sir, lierauaed me to pay sixpences for all th^ pfyty, and introduced me 
to whfLt ? — to the Cn\HnEii of Hourohs, Sir !— Ihey 're not nsbaFncdto 
call i*. !-Q — tlif-y 'reproud of the frigliiful titleand the dreadful cihibition 
— HU-i Tthnt did 1 tbi're bj^liold— rtnirderrrs, Sir.— nnirdfirers; some of 
ihcmin their own roM blood^UoHKsntkut's head oJf in a plat^ — 
Mafiat ^tuck ^nd biuedituin a ba.'h — Mu and Mks. Manml^g in a 
fiigtvtfiil collLifjuy wilh Got'iutiisiKii and FiESCiii tbout the infernal 
m^^cliiuc — A!;d nty cliiht, my gnLudchikl, Sir, laughed at my cti otion and 
ttdiciili'd hid grAndl'LLthci s just terror At witncasing this hidcoiii 
flci*tiP ! 

*' Jackv, my fifth, U bound for India— nnd widicd lo seethe Ovrrland 
Journey pomr'rflyed, whxlj, as I also am interca'ed in the future progteaa 
ot that darling ctiild, I was anxious to behold. We came into the Exbibi- 
tion, Sir, just at the moment when the simoom waa represented. Havo 
you ever seen a simoom. Sir ':* Can you hgure to yourself what a simoom is P 
—a tornado of sand in whicli you die before you can say Jack Robinson, 
in which camels, horses, men, are swept into death in an instant — and 
this was tlie ogrei^ahh sight which, as a parent ^nd a man, I was called 
upori to witness ! Shuddtring, and calling my little charges around me, 
I fiui'ted Waterloo PUce, and havinjy treated tlie dear beings to a few 
buns in the l[a\ market, conducted thcni to their last place of amuse- 
ment, vi/., the Panorama, in Leicester Place. 

** A h, Sir ! of what clay arc mortals supposed to be made, that they can 
visit that exliibitionP Dreams I have had in my life, but as that view 
of the Arctic Kcgions, nothing so terrible. My blood freezes as I think 
of that fri((htful summer even— but what to say of the winter P By 
Heavens, Sir, I could not face the sight — the icy picture of eternal 
snow — the livid northern lights, the killing glitter of the stars ; the 
wretched mariners groping about in the snow round the ship; ther 
caused in me such a shudder of surprise and fright— that I don t blusu 
to own I popped down the cortAin after one single peep, and would not 
allow my chUdren to witness it. i 

"Are others to be so alarmed, so misK-d, ?o lcrr»fi«dp 1 l>cseech all 
people who hate nerves to pause ere thry go bight-seeing at the present 
day, and remain, 

" Your Obedient Servant, 

"Gou>.u Mupp." 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



J 33 



A BEAUTIFUL LEASE. 



^v\^v»r i 




RIDGEWATER HOtTSE b«S b»n 

broaght before ParliaiDent; 
LoiLD Ell£5V eke hAviug 
been ch&rged vUli & duire 
to obatrnct the eye-Ai'^ht of 
the public, bv erecting r 

: wall. LOBB KUSSELL c&me 

i> to the rescue ; and he said 
B the wall w&» a very low wail« 
5 and — 

"AlthfMgh Loin Ellsukbx's 

iBue evntained s cUii*o |>«vJllMii'>^ 

tU huSdina of a tntll, then viu no 

im it ' 



which prtvnM Iht 

rwMmg ef a incimdL and Ihoreibra, 
If tb« (Kiv<>nime»t wora to IntUt 
npon tho Hlrlngwnt enfcreommt of 
tlio tcrma of tins Icoso with reapwl 
to thii vaM, 1»iiu ELLEMieU 
mljEht b« driTcn to ralBc A noondt 
wkiek ha amtd earry om ki$\ m» Ju 



How bfautifuUy must a 
Irase be drawn, with wliat a 
perfect roaster/ and eDJo)- 
Dien.1 of cliicnne must a da- 
cunieut be set fortli, tlmt 
"prohlhils tbo buiUiiig of a 
wall," but does aoL prevent 
" the raising of a mound ! " 
ITie wiadora of the Crown grantors in tliis caw is worthy of Boitom's 
beat acting of Ifall ileclf, even after Moticm't longer cars were on ! 



EUREKA! 

PtTNCii has discovered /ie lunatic I From time to time a «ane and 
tliiiikinjr pubUo lias been ontrAfrd by paragrapLi inserted in the papers 
by tbe CiiANC£LLOit or the Exchequer— paragrnphs. arltnowledgiiig 
receipt of cerlaiu aum* — for ihepaymcnt of tlic National Deb*. Grateful 
tliaalTs for apoonfiils lakfu from tlie ocean ! Tlie maniac is now riii- 
corerrd, and is one Mb. Bkkson, whoso caso was heard at Liverpool 
the other day. He weut 

"In AtiKTiAtlfiaL tu tlie TrtftmiiT in LondoD, f«r tlie«Jiprefl« purpow ofpRrliinoffllio 
n*Ui>iULl ili'M ; lie Ill-Ill tUftt it wiut pAid off ; iind lie cnulu do the wuao vltli n struko of 
hU pen on tiU banker, cr wlietxvvr lie pleaml tu put hU Imnd in lib pockot" 

The man wa% bv vrrdir^, returned of unanund miod; and the only 
reason that has iiiducetl Punrk to kdvert to tbe matter i«, 1o put it to 
tlic CHANcrLLOii 'IF THE ExciLEQUKTi whclKfT, a?i a Cliancellor and a 
genlliman, \\f. uiii»ht not, upon tliis di?C(ivery, lo luiud overall mm*, as 
abovenamttl rrreived by him, to tlie lunds of Hftdlaui ? AVc trust Sill 
Petek Laukie. as the very useful Kovemor ot tbat estAblisbment, will 
not, la thifl maiter, permit himself to bo " pat down " by the Minister. 



VEKY POOR SCHOLARS. 

Tin: following advertisement, with its italics and its inverted commas 
—to say nothing of its inverteu grammar—appeared just as we giro it, 
in a Scotch periodical :— 



M 



RS. 



fiCUOLAS-nC ESTABLISEIUKNT, KO. 
-AND Co. liAvc •' V - *' ~ " ■'- - 



f r 



(J uiLnlUus (o Uuslr LUt of • 
aureus in *'M(iJt(yaMfj<ituA" i: ■ 
roNdJi/j/ odnc&ted FnnoliwoniaiL l^^itju'u lum n<'>:cu < 
" Ex^mIUiU Dufi OoMmutMj' wUAi. with tJwlr n^uttt 
wlU 1M aippy to lapply BtamSoi " QrMtkitomty" 



Mid 

ia#- 



1 mi- 



i\rn ariu 



KtiJ " pravtfthlUiU" Uw/ 



A HINT FOR THE PUBLISHERS. 

An the publiabing beason will soon be in full play— which means 
tlial there will be plenty of work — we aiinest Ihe following as titles of 
}>oc>ks, to succeed tbe publication of " People I have Met/' by an 

Aiiterican ; — 

People 1 have Taken djto Cxtstodt. by a Polipenian. 
People that have AIet he Half-way, by an Insolvent. 
Pkoi-le I have Spij^shed, by a !>c»veDger. 
P>:opi.K I H^vF DoNK, by a Jew Bdl-D»sco»nfer, 
Pkupi-b 1 HAVE AnusED, by a 'Bus Conductor. 
Pkople I HAVE Hun Over, by a Butcher's Boy. 
Vs-OYix I HAVE Run Agaijist, by a Sweep. 



Our Money Article. 

"Pat Tfttdr money for cvervthiDg vou liave, and you'H never vet 
into debt," aaya Fiunku.v. or Joseph Humr, or some great economist. 
If this is true with regard to private indiviiluals, how much truer it 
must he when applied to Govemmeuls! Would iAigland be owing her 
National Debt at the present moment, if she had always gone upon the 
system of ready money F If we had our way, no country nhould go to 
war till It bad money sufficient to pay all Ihe expanses. Tbis plan, if 
enforced generally amorigst all nations, would tend more to the atioliiion 
of war Uian anyliiinj^ else. The best Peace Society is, dejiend upon it, 
ReadtMoret. ItisherPrcsidmt.Vice rresiJeut.ii.eudwrsSfcrctarr, 
banker's account, and everything Tbe only difficulty is to know where 
tu nud it 1 



We were not previously aware that " solidity" of a "surpassing" 
order is looked upon as a desirable qualdy in a Governess. We ca**, 
however, understand that, where Blarratiou prices are paid, a ^ovemea^ 
with " a leaa and hungry look " wotdd b? avoided, aa likely to betray 
the meanness of the employer, and that a lady, therefore, with a large 
capital of fat to begin upon, wliich would take a good deut of briupng 
down in a stiniry Tamily, might be more likelv to suit llian one of, 
pbysically speaking, "more slender pretensions. 

The wording of tbe advertisement issued from the Sdtolaatic Esta- 
blishment seems to indicate that all the Icaruing is sent out bo rapidly 
ttiAt there is none left for ordinary use on the promises. As to Syntax, 
{he stock is evidently quite exhausted, and wc almost wonder that there 
is enough Orthograpuy left, on hand to supply Ihe sprllin^ of even a 8lir»fl 
advertisement. We should be glad to nee some of those *' tliorouglily 
eduratod Frenchwonien, English and Scotch of tItelirAt order," whA, 
no doubt, belong to the class of ci'izens of llie world, and nrt* ihun qua- 
lified to be described n<<, at the same timf*, Frsnch, Knpli ' .'cli, 
by the directors of the Scholastic Establishment. 1 ^mg 
porlion of Ihc adveriiscment, announcing some *i... .,..., [)»y 
Governesses, whicb. wi'h their usual c^ve and promptitude, ihev will 
be happy to supply families gratuitously," ia rather myaterious. Whose 
" care and prtimulitudc " are intended lo be iuduiated, and if it is tlie 
"care" of the advertisers, what i^ meant by suppljringaGovfrmesawiih 
"care " — as if the expression alluded In komc article requiring caution 
in the packing f " Gratuitously," too, h a word that adds to our dillU 
ciipy, (or though thcic iaagreat deal of cnupeiitiou among i\ir. nuror* 
tunatc class, wo have not heard that they have commcueed tbe prATlioe 
that ust'd to be con<mou in the old oppoiji>ion coaching days, and that, 
tiiey arc Trying lo run each other ofT the roai to knowledge, by takiag 
pitpils for uoUiing. 

Altogether, the advertisement we have quoted is a specimen of the 
fact that too much cheapness will rifect. its own cure, for we veutiitc lo 
assert that any one really in wnut of cducution, even of the plhinest 
kind, f'jr his children, will nol, if be can appreciate llie llrst chapter of 
(be Grammar, seek, the arltclc he rti^uirrs in Ihe t'coteh "SrhoUstic 
Establish mrul.." 



The World's " Multum in Farvo." 

Wk are told iha*. a Company is on fool for Ihe purpose of buyim? 
up LoKD Bholouam. The object of the purel-nse is to send in tbe 
Hon. Lord a^ tbe forlbcoming Exiiibition ot 1S5L With his Lordship 
lie Company fcrU f uro of winning the great prize, as there is scarcely 
a thing lliat ttc does not know something of; and if they can only keep 
lii II from talking, thf-y feel prrsuadcd they can palm him off as (ho 
hiosI wonderful Kpecinien of iHritish industry. "We arc sorely afn»i ', 
however, tiiat the Companv, let it liave the weal'h of California added 
even to that of Monte-Christo, must be ruined, if it is compelled to 
take Loud Bbougiiam at his own valuation. 



dreadful rourLAivT or o;fE or the irvGs of inr MhTitopoLia. 

Loon DuKCAN complains of encroachments upon the Green Park. 
If these encroachmeuLs are allowrd — and th^y arc very lik*ly lo increase, 
since it appears that the Oillcers cf the Woods and Forests do not 
know the boundaries of the property Ihey are supposed to have the care 
of— theic will soon be no Park left,— and the spot it formerly occupied 
will be known in history as the " Ikvisible-Giuen Park." 



the metbopolitan wateb-butt. 



The noble Eakl of Catlusle presented a petition "from the pari»h 
of Christ Church, SpitallietJs, complaining of the supply of water to the 
metropolis." If the petitioners complain of the iuppl^ of water to 
SpitalfieldS, we are sure they can have very little to complain of. 



■* 



XKW BBADTKO 07 AN r)[J) PARUAUEKTABT LAV. 

Strangehs (iJi/ji u fo iajf, the Roifal Jcademi/) are ordered to with- 
draw from tlie (NuiuMat) 




•%»>Ok 



CA THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



. ^-^.^K OF CHARACTER.-THE SICK BACHELOR. 



"; .^.^ .«ftWfCT it is time to 



-4 Uin,»Bd, as it 

,- iiffv liim. 

; niOTWul a hcATy 



^'V' 
^ \ 



K la m 
' .. n^ I* *mt tlia*. 

xiA>» *iu^m it^^r, 

., .. " \u.ii»*iu: inttmf ol 

', .,, s«v »«i*M« mil" Hii'^rl* 
■ , . v« (iwlfflil of broths, 

. \»i «tU %\\* liprovfltert, 
'. lAiioM*. iradMoienB |_ 

'"•irhMimost cries ovn the unkindnes^ the tyranny 
' * '«xinoJ.ri^»t Draco's Ui»s were wriit^nin m-lk 
\ CSV and yet he rrcon.c's the kmdness he 




reeeired Trom eervants, from every one, when he waa iU at home^ and tho 
Sick Bacuklob closes his eyes to ga^e u^n the liappy picture. 

What a SDUg room ! Every comfort u there that can make (he 
heavy wheels of time roll on as softly as possible. What a neat of 
a bed ! and at the head of it he sees his mother, leaning over him, 
pArting his hair, kissing his forehead, and every minute asking 

him in a voice through 
which the affection 
gushes like tears, "if he 
feels any better?"— he 
sees his sister, nature's 
kindest nurse, sitting up 
withbimall night, moving 
if he moves, anticipating 
every one of his wants, 
gazing into liis face for 
hope, and smiling at him 
sometimes in spite of it, 
coaxing him, like a child, 
to go to sleep, and hold- 
ing his hand between 
hers till he falls into a 
gentle slumber again — 
iie sees his Tatlter couiing 
into the room the first 
thing in the morning, and 
treatling on tip'oe lest 
he slmll awake him— he 
recollects what a mo- 
mfnt of aniiety it wan 
when the Doctor paid hiii 
daily visit, and how every 
one waited in silenc! 
round the curtained t)ed, 
lo hoar what he said, and 
then rushed to cheer him 
and kiss him full of hope 
— he recollects all these, 
and many more little in- 
cidents of love and ten- 
dpTiifR?, for I hey bang round bis childhood, 
like imruorleilfx, which his memory loves lo 
" keep gnen/* 

How differeTit his present illness ! There 
ia no one to comfort liim, to ntake liim 
forget by kindness the prieon-house he is 
couftncd in. His loneliness chills him. It 
Ihniwa a frost round everjtbing, and he 
lbiLk«, an AiiAU thought when he wasaBa* 
ehtlor ithe ffaclielor davs of Adah would 
ninke a mmi curious book) and prayed for A 
wife, that — 

■■ To dip niiint lie to Hvo &lone, 
Uiiliivcd, uikclwrMbcil, and unknoTn." 

The Bachelor is moved ; the rock of his 
p^n:i^itn is Bofietied, and it IS ver> stranKC, 
bui ttjtra— real 1 Pars— bubble up from hia 
)ir£tf, like v&kr from adried-up well in the 
Di'sfrf. 

Ue TiDgs ap;ain, and bv some accident ilie 
Lflnudre ?a hiMR ijim. '1 lie Sick HACiiEi.oii 
has \\U Tnedicine, and lays down his head 
fmtetul for it. 

If be is grateful for a spoonful of medicine, 
yii\\aX «culd Lc be for a kind word or a 
good dinner! 




The Mercantile Press. 



TiTE resignation of the Chairmanship of 
Llovd's has cau!>ed the question to be asked 
in fiterary circles whether any change will 
cectir in tbe i^ditorship of Llo^d^t LUt^ or 
wflether the arrang:ements will contmue 
the same for the management of that racy periodical. We are happy 



to announce, from our ovn peculiar sources of information, that the 
onlv chance in this spicy— and occasiorally all-spicy— journal will be 
the assumption of the motto of "List! Lutl! Oh! Lloyd's LUt!!!** 
f.om Uamlei. 



■P 



mimmm 



^^J^^ 




"AIN'T I VOLATILE?" 

Iiord B — gh— m as Miss Mowcher. 



" Bi,B 6 v<'i7. iivx Ai.ivK ! I'm iikuk axo iiiEiu:, and where sut,5Juke ihe OiNJL'nou'rf iiAi.r-cnowv in the lady' 
HASBKrrtfUUiL AitM VitrRi Wiiir a uattlk 1 am !— Ain't I volatii.c ?**—&■< ** David CoppcrJUlii." 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



^ 




137 



A-BRIDGE-MENT OF ENGLISFI GEOGRAPHY. 

You would imagine lltat Louis Nafoleon, Trom I be time he had 
been in KiigUnd, vould kriiw somettiinfr nhout Kngli>li srograph^, and 
)'cl in one of the recent numbers of Le Aapofrfn, of wliich he ii (he 
repulcd editor or tub-editor, there iipp ara the followinjf miafRkc : — 

" Over the Strata of Heoal mhI Bangnr, betwoen Eaglu<l %ni tnlukA, there rtnui n 

iiiHi>enBlon brldi^u, &cr 

Tliis is not bo bad lo flfart with, but the mistakes grrow thicker and 
thicker as ihe article Rcta longer, till at last we are lold that the 
object of llie new tnbuUr bridge is uoihiug less than to 

"JoiMdrt U M4d:Trlinde A crlut <U la mitrapM* 

And Ihe remainder of Ihfi article proves that one end of the tubular 
bridge is iupporteii on the English coast, and the other on the Irisb. 
Wfl are sure ih&t Mil Stkpiienson will be astoiii.thrd to hear this, and 
will rc-joice that his repuUtioti rests upon a more sulid foundatiuu than 
the bridge in the article in i\it A^apoltOH. It is jast as absurd as if, 
talking of the Pjhsident of the Iiepuduc, we were to say, 

"II /viHf Ut talent* dd nm OncU 4 en^-c yn'ii pouid* Ui-mtme," 

The Btrelcb in the one instance would be nogrealer than in the 
other. The probability is, ihat the author of (he above rich mistake 
had been reading some hiirhly pocTical lendinx article about the 
"tubular bridtcc connecting Enslttnd and Ireland in ihe closest links 
logfther," and thnt he hnd tnkcn it all litendlr. It is only a pity that 
the Uull (iid not make its hpi>earaiica a littlo earlier, l^or, from ita titc, 
it might have hgurcd grandly in the Carnival as the Ba^f-Grai. 



•'Now Beady." 

KSADT Money ! One of the greatest difficulties of life is that Ucady 
Money! It never is ready when you want it! it is like a woman 
who says she is *' perfectly ready," and then rims up stairs to gel her 
gloves, or handkercliicf, or card-case, or something. You wait ten 
niiiiutes, half-an-hour. till at last, tired of wailing, you go without her. 
So It is with Heady Money ! I have wailed for it so long— all my life 
I mar say— Iha' now 1 go without it.— J^w^tf Rtmid, ot prttent on a 
ruti to (he Qac-H^i B^nrk, 



THE INDUSTRY OP ALL N.\T10N8. 

Thb great fathering of 1S51 is cot specifically appointed to include 
living production!^, but wc have, nevertheless, heard of a few that will 
most assuredly present thrmBelvps. The French will contribute a good 
sprinkling of tnrir chevulieri dUHdmirie, and the rursl distriota of 
England will send up their full quota of raw malerial to be dealt wi'h 
or done — as raw material is generally doomed lo be. 

We may perhaps he excusrd for suggesting a few animated sublecta 
that might be added lo the rxhibi'.ion without fear of over-crowdmg, 
as the specimens of the articles we are about lo name would be limited 
by their exceeding rarity. 

A man bom with a silver spoon in his mouth, 

A ditto made of nine t^tlors 

A ditto who has dined wi(h Dpkb ITrMpnnKr. 

A governess who has been wil ing to nccepf, instead of rennjurratiou, 
a comforl&ble home, ami who has found the consideration realised. 

A young gentleman who has been liberally boarded and well educated 
for 10 guineas per annum. 

Somebody wuo has found something lo bis advantage after having 
heard cf ir from Jostrtt AnT._ 

The laughing eye wi'h the light in it. 

A man wi h all hia beat feehngs possessing him. 



THE WOODEN WALLS AND THE WOODEN HEADS OF 
ENGLAND. 

Tne sale of old naval stores in 1819 amounted to £-12,403. 

The sale of old ships amounted lo £2.911. 

The latter item, we think, is iwignificantly small, considering wtiAt 
a perfect hard— first chop, we may say — the Admiralty is in buihling 
ships, and cutting (hem up again. It would not be n bad spi-cnlntiou, 
by the bye, to open a liifle store shop nexf doortothoAdmiraltv, where 
I he new ships might be sold in penny bundles of firewood, and boxes of 
iicifer-matchcs. An Elliott (if there is one left unemploycii) ahfrtild 
be put at the head of the cst&blishmenS and a little black doll, in (be 
shape of Ellenhorougu or Minto, might be sufp^ndrd over the 
doorway, so as to attract the notice of Siit VVii.mau Stsionds, nnd 
the other Government ship- breakers. (Jver the. portico should be 
written, in Ihe pi'ouliar rag and- bottle kind of long spidery letterr, 
the following board :— 

Titis IS Titu Cheap Original Muiisb Store Shop. 

N .B. £ett Price ffiv€nft,r Netoig Launched Menof^War* 



EXHIBITION OF IDLENESS. 

Lonn Bbougbam objects to Hyde Park as jhe site for the proposed 
Exhibition ol the Industry of all Nations. It is but fair, however, that 
Industry should compete with its opposite on the latters own ground. 
For a long scries of years, from February to August, there has been 
held, in the Ring of Hyde Park, a daily Eihibition of Idleness. The 
Industry of all Nations may afTord a lesson to the Idleness of one. It 
mast not be supposed, however, that our lounging fashionables and lazy 
footmen furnish the sole criterion of our Dational Idleness, To form aa 
adequf^^e idea of that qualiry, it is necessary to take into account our 
defecfive drainage, putrescent Thames, thirty thousand s'arving needle- 
women, and multitudinous rogues ; the stupendous result of inattention, 
indifference, and indolence. 



Mr. Ferrand's Real Substitute for the Oom-Law Fleece: 

Mil. W. B. FisKRAXp, at tiie Pontefract Protectionist Meeting last 
weckj is reported to have made the following proposition for the relief 

of agriculture :— 

^' l^t the fArrnvn r>rG rent Brluln and Irflsad enter Irio n voni l^tRur, tntl vf'W 
tliry iril) iioTcr npiiii w«ftr cotton, iftlwr can 1mi pn^vldcd witti linrn nr wtvoUfn Knoda^ 
tnJ lo (no yean tbc cottoD-cplDoen of Ltneuhlra will eompoand. (L«m4 eA««-«.V 

To this suggestion of Mr. FERiuND*a there is little doubt that the 
farmcra will stop their ears— with cotton itself. 



A liaVORTn OP SBNTIKSKT. 

Ws admire a beautiful woman, and in the next breath ask 1k>w old 
she is ? This is very stupid, for the most beautiful thing in the worM 
is the Sun, and about the oldest. ~/fAi-iM after IHitmr, 



golden nni io TRivfLtfiu. 



The best LeUi^rs of introduction, and the best Letters of credit to tnrel 
with, are decidedly £ t, rf. 




133 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




THE BACHELORS* LEAGUE, 

T inuif highly re- 
spectable uninar- 
rieil men, it has 
long been felt as 
a great grievance, 
that they sboald 
be liable to certain 
very heavy duties, 
tvn*i in order to 
rtlrasethemBelves 
fruni these duties, 
n I<Agne basbsen 
foriued by a batch 
of bachelors. A 
frieiiJ, whose sin- 
Mttness of purpose 
nonsists of a pur- 
poiie to remain 
laiiigle as long as 
lie can, has fa- 
voured us wi'h a 
pliinee at a few cf 
the rules laid down 
for the giiidnncs 
of the Lea.^ue of 
Bachelors. 

l«f. K^ery bachelor jeininj? IheLeaEjne is lo cancel all preTioua enuaeeinf'nfs. 
Snd, Kvciy bachelor having subscribed for iWe jeara to the Lcafrue, and wlio, by misfortune, 
shall lifcve incurred n matriinonia! enp^aeemea^ shnll be defended a^ninst uny action for 
breach of promise, and I hua saved from Ine slume and mvsery of K<)iDK through the Court of 
Hymeii, which is t-oo frcquenlly another name for (he Insolvent Court. 

Srd. Coniifcted wifh the Lcai^ue it is intended to establish a Bachelors* Insurance 
Office, to insure einf^l*; men at^ainat marria^'e and flirtatiQn, on the aanie ]jrtricipies as are 
usnaUyitpDitrd to death and fire. An^ memb:'r having visited wilfullir a house ?ith more than 
fvro niarriEigervijle da^ighters wilL in the event of the calamity gf marriage befalliDg 
him, be regarded in the same Uynt as f^io de j^, and liia policy will be viijatpd on account of 
the very bad policy that will have g<iicled him. Any bachelor fallins— in^o matrimony— by 
his own hatid, as \a the case of a written promise to wcfl, will be deprived of all the bene&ts 
of his insurance, and every applicant proponin? to he insured must on^ner the following 
question*, atnong others tiiat will be proposrd to him:— 
Wh^^ 19 your age next birthday? 

At: what age had your father the miflrortnne to marry your molhctf 

Have you been afHicted with the Polka or olher mftnia? are you auhjecn© sentimental 
fitsP have you hreti siddicted to the writinff of annnefaP or have you ever suffered from the 
eacoet^a seti&fmfi in any sbiipe, or at any time whatever ? 

Hav« yo« at any lime in your life been a victim lo the flale, or any olher deadly-lively 
insirumenl? 

Have any of your near relalioni fallen in love at any time:, and if so, Imva they recovered, 
or have their cases ended futallv ? 

If these qucatioDS are all answered in a ia^iafaclory maiiner, anj; member of the 
Bachelor*' titaguc may imure any aniDimL undrr £5^X>0j to be paid wi'liin three months of 
the melancholy teradnatioa of bis SiLtgle career, on proof of wedlock having actually 
overlaken him. 

The Iniurancc a^iost flirtation or fire cannot he effect) d where (he applicant is more than 
ordinarily iDilantniable, and waterin^'places in the season^ bnlls, aiiU picnic parties mus^ be 
CODfiideTcd as doubly or trebly liozardona, and charged accordingly, 

A gre&i moral engine will be kept om the premises^ so Iha^ in case of an alarm of fire, any 
member m^ have cold water thrown upon him without ex.tra preniiuut. 



MEANNKSS REWAKDTO. 

"A MechaKIC,*' describing him^flfa^a forPman ia an Kt^enhive eatabtishment, related 
in a letU;r whick uppeared last week in the 7VffjM^ the followif>if patisfactnry instance of 
propflr snifit on the part of his fellow -workmen. He and they, whoie nu^ili'^ra amount,e(l to 
nrarly 200 mep, had raised a general siibscription for thft purpose of laking thtir wives i 
and families a trip by railway to ihe Hta-caaat. un UNod Fridniy. and returtiiiig on Easter . 
Mondav or Tit es aaj. * Tb^ railway direciori, it miRliL hnvvi brcn fiUpptvscd, would have 
been willing to enlarge their usual ncconmiodation of rt^tum tickets to Iht-SG poor people, 
if but as A piecp of seasonable benevolence^— an Easier olTermg of charity. Forget' ing, how- 
ever, all puch Easier ducF, i hose gentlemen contracted ins) sad of extcjiditig their ordinary 
jibendity in ih\v respfctj and made the rcturri tickets available for oub day only. The men 
indignantly "reyolted" at this "shameful imposition," and their e:tciirsif>n scheme was 
abandoned ; a circumBlance to be regretpted only on nccomat of the good folks' loss of a 
Loliday. A weightier loss, we rejttice to sav, was STiataincd hy tiiB railway companies, who 
were Hdb lo*ers of about £75 from " A Mechanic's" shop alone. By this systpm of "auick 
returns," then, the railway compames are likely to make appropriately "Bninll profits, and 
we hope that a oontiauAlly decreasing income will be the reward of their peraeveranoe in so 
tDcan a Use. 



THE MILITART BILLY TAILOB. 

Billy Tailok wm a poor yonns feIiow» 
Well nigh starred as he ooola bo ; 

And his wrongs he did diskiver 
To a Public fair and free. 

Fiddeioldiday, Tiddeloldidar, te 

Several hundred clothiers' workmen. 

Clad in tatters, thin arrav, 
And they met, for Billy Tailob 

To demand sufficient pay. 
Fiddeioldiday, &c* 

Them to help Ihtir object arter, 
Aldkrman Sidney took the chair. 

The various causes countin' ovofi 
Of their heavv grief and care. 

Fiddeioldiday, &c. 

Yen as he corned to make that sta'eiDCn^ 

Vot he blamed above the rest, 
Wos the uniform-trade, vitch he n'pp'd open. 

And disiiver'd how the troops are dresfc. 
Fiddeioldiday, &c. 

Wen as the Public corned for to bear oa% 

Says they, " Wot kindof trade'sthiihcnr'' 
Says SiDKEY, " 'Tisthetrade of a gallant warrior, 
Who buys so cheap, and who seUs so dear." 
Fiddeioldiday, &o. 

" If *i is the trade of a gallant warrior* 

Tell unto us his rank, we pray." 
*' His rank, kind friends, is that of Colonel, 

Who by clothing gets his pay." 
Fiddeioldiday, &c. 

" If as he gets his pay by clothing, 
That 's a way both mean and near. 

Get up early some fine mominfr* 
Ana upset this trade unfair." 
F'iddeluldiday, &c« 

The ChfonicU got up one 6ne morning, 

Early as by break of day. 
And he saw poor Billy Tailor, 

Working life and soul away. 
Fiddeioldiday, &c. 

Then he call'd for IIuue and Cobdev, 

Vilch did come at his command; 
And he snatch'd poor Billy Tailor 

FVom the clothing Coloners hand. 
Fiddeioldiday, &c. 

Yen as the Public corned for to bear on 't, 
Werry much applauded the shut-np shop, 

Kept BO long as free life-tenant, 
By the gallant Coix)NEL Slop. 
Fiddeioldiday, &c. 



VICES OF SPEECH. 



The contemplated abolition of the Irish Yioe- 
royalt^ ha^ furnished a fruitful theme for com- 
ment in the would-be jocular circles. Some do 
not scruple to affirm that the Government will 
rival Fatiif.r Mathew in the glory of haviniT 
suppressed the National Vice of Ireland. Others 
go 80 far as to say that the Irish wdl be no 
longer able to complain of being impoverished 
by this country when thry cease to be under the 
screw of an Englidi Yice. Some, again, are 
rash enough to predict that, when Ireland has 
no longer a Viceroy, her present lamentable con- 
dition wilt be (juite vice versa. A few bare 
had the desperation to afiirm, that the " golden 
round" of Irish Vice-Sovereignty bat been 
nothing else than a vicious circle. Justioe^ how- 
ever, compels us to state, that, in none of these 
playful liberl ies taken with words, has anything 
been intended in disparagement of tho |nrsent 
Lord-Lieutenant, whose vice-regal career, daring 
the most trying vicissitudes, is allowed on au 
hands to have been perfectly unvitiated. 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



139 



MOCK FOREIGN INTELLIGENCE. 

(From our own Opm^tonAnt, B*lirn¥ui, JfarcM K.) 

ExBX I am, u poor Stnclaik uird to say in 7/arrp Bertram, " like 
lovOjUioiig the roses." Thii is not a mwe/a^OJi deparJer with dip, I 
can iutare tou^ when, between four and six in the afternoon, I taxe 
my Uiunial canter in Hjde Park, amid the flowers of ariatocrafic 
loveineia. "'Tis tme" slightW to vary a Bjrrobic aphorinni. "jour 
Kn^jsh Kiss is very channioff,'' and tbta la a truth that 1 have of 
late amply Tf riOed ; though, for some weeks, the restrictiona of the 
weather olHce bare sadly interfered wiib the attractions of the 
Ring. N'importe: the bracing air creates an appetite, and nuhing 
off^ to a petit dintr with a few choioe spirits at the ClarendoD, 
I indemnify myself for the mangua of the ooular rrpast, by a more 
substantial if lesi sentimental banquet, llie cSttUtm h la Maintenon 
here are very much de mon (^/, hut yon wotild acarcely believe how 
hard it is to get good potatoes. This reminds me ihat the Irish Viceroy 
is to be abolished, as thn national escnleut was like to have been a year 
or two ago — pardon Ihii badinaffe — by the blight. I write eurrente 
ca^MO, woich mast excuse abruptness of transition. Hbr Majesty 
the QuzZN is "tol-lol;" she "showed" at. /)«• /rrwcii/*, the other 
evening, accompanied by the Prince, who is getting rather popular. 
Tbe cares of state seem to sit lightly on VlcTOiiu, and Axbeht 
appears perfectly at his esse, though haWng on his shoulders tbe 
Industrr of All Nations. In this pie, bv I he way, LoHD Baoughav, 
of course, wanted to have his fingers ; failing in which desire he ha» 
been doing all he can to fxmlewrter the concern, aa was to be expected- 1 
All tbe world is langfaing at the sparring-match which took pi are | 
between him and Stanley in the Lords, with reference lo the «piihol 
"Tolatile," applied to the noble and leamrd lord by iho Hrir of I 
Dfrby. The combatants made believe to be "only in fun,*' and I 
*'peppered" one anothrr with inucK seeming lonhonie, exchanging,' 
however, some pretty hard rap?, I can tell you. There are said to be 
various novelties in preparation both at the two Operas and Houses of 
Parliament ; in the one and the other we shall see what we shall see. 
What with Ordnance Estimates. Ireland, — the toujourM perdn'jt of legis- 
lation,— Stamps, Colonies, and Judicial Salaries, besides Kwart's Anii- 
Calcrut motion, the peace proposition of CofinEN, and kuc ffatus <mnf, 
the St. Stephen's imprfsario has his work pretty well cut out for the 
season. I wish Lord Johnny well through it. TalJcing of cutting 
out, the iourneyiiiau taJors are re&ily in a very sad state ; and at a 
meeting of these poor V^arirva of the thimble the other day at the 
London Tavern, Aldzxmav Sidney ascribed their miserable plight in 
a great measure lo the "grinding system" pursued by thu "clothing 
Colonels " who pick their pay out of soldiers* uniforms. The idea of 
these gallant slop-srllers is trh drdle, iCest e« posf The case of tbe 
starring needlewomen is also becoming serious ; as I cannot help 
feeling rather strongly— not hsving eaten anything since lunch. Hey ! 
then, for the Conservative Club, where I "grub" to-day with ^Milord 
AnaUis or two ; so, for the present, addio. 

P.S. Tbe GoRHAH breeze is bv no means lulled yet. Exeter has 
flown at Cai4T£IU}ury in a pamphlet. Puii^potts has been so long in 
hot water that he must now be quile a bimiUi ^Svt^fve. 

[We trust that nothing in the above communication will appear 
impertinent or flippant to those who are familiar with ihe grave and 
respectful tone m which the foreign corresnondents of some of our 
contemporaries are wont to treat the affairs oi oar neighboun.] 



Merit la Sronse. 



TffE Commissioners for the £x}ubition of 185l« have — 

" Decided to Hlcct brooM for Uw material In wtiich the Uedab are tA be txecrtlcd, 
coiutikrljiff UuU meUI to be beUei calculated tluD any other tot the dertlojUDent o[ 
mperior ikiU and IngBealty ta tin mwdaUlo art. and at the ■•» ItaD* tba ne t likely 
to oouUtttte a lartbig memorial ef the Exhlbltloo.'' 

The Commissioners are wise men ; sovereigns, or even half-sovereigns, 
in bronee, would not go so soon as in their present metaL There 
is, however, another reason— a reason I'tinek deeply deplores— for the 
selection of bronze b}rthe Commissioners; it is because the gold and 
silver come so aiowty to. 

WHKEia WITHIN WHBEU. 

Wx understand, that, since a certain noble lord has evinced a desire 
to be looked upon aa of a rather heavr nature, tbe title of BrocghaM 
will be changed into that of SlowCoaoa. 



AjrriDOTI TO xBstmc, 
Thi distinguished chemist, Mr. Puttch^ hai discovered an antidote to 
arsenic, now so often admuiistcred with fatal effect by wives to 
husbanda, Mid parents to children. The form of Mr. PmitcJt*t remedy 
is that of a Bill, to bo introduced into Parliament, limiting the operation 
of Bunal Clubs to paying for the funerals of their deoeaaed members. 





EXPERIMENTS OF OUR -USED-UP" MAN IN SEARCH OP 
EXCITEMENT.— No. 1. 

TRTniG THE TOP OF THI MOKUMEyT ON A WET ATTERMOOir. 



POLICE STATISTICS. 

Some interesting returns have been prepared by the Commissioners 
of City Police, aa to the amount of propertr restored, tires put out, 
children found, and other service rendered by the civic force, but 
otlier facta are omitted, which we consider as equally full of interest. 
We should like to know whether the value of the property stolen 
includes the value of the kisfies stolen by the police themselves from 
the female servants, and whether the number of children found com* 
prises all the children previously lost through a flirtation with tbe nurse 
and the man on duty. Among the firea extinguished, we presume we 
must not look for the flames raised in the breasts of cooks ; and the 
Dumber of houses found insecure will not, of cours^ comprehend those 
where the area gates had been designedly left open for " love to find the 
way " in the gajh of a policeman. In the estimate of the strength of 
the force, allowance is aoubtlesa made for its bttlo weaknesses, though 
on the whole its good conduct, like its dotbee, may be considered 
unifonn. 



The Morndto's KKFiatOTiox.— It has always been a matter of p 
found astonishment to us how our ancestors oouJd hare eaten to 
breakfaat withoat a moroinK newspaper ! 



-'S.t*. t^at,?- 



PUNCH, OR THE LOND ON CIIAttlVARl 

^ 











A "LATTEUDAT" NIGHTJIARE, BROUGHT ON BY READING THOMAS CARLYLE HIS PAMPHLETS. 



RAGS FSRSUS SOAP. 

Tan BiBiior op Exetek is oot. u it appears, to monopoIiBe the 
rif ht mmI cnjo/ment of controversy. Rajs are to hm a ihare, dis- 
puling for it wiUi purple and fine Uoen. The CArotdela — with aome 
wctfibty testimony upon its side — oontendA that the Bagged Schooii 
arr, (or ihe moat part, little other than K&thennga of the dirty, boiue- 
Ics*, and« by conaequence, profli^te yoiinr, for the benefit of shelter^ 
warmth, and co-oprra' ion. Part tea for robbery are arranged under the 
very eyea of the aelfdevoled teachera. From i he school-room to the 
afreet, to "catch" the unconacioua viclims "coming out of chapeJ," ia 
an anxious but rapid transit occaaionally made by the pickporket pupils. 
The good Lord AsntBY puta in a plea for the utility tif the rag 
academy ; but, vitb a faintneis of heart, a certain tone oi deapondency 
that doea not mightily assure one. Uia Lordship arowa that the hope 
of amendrd morals can be bat smalt, when the children from their birth 
have been creaturea of liltb auJ squAlor — human vermin, at once 
fcocictj's reproach and danger. 'IVaching must begin at home. When 
the home is tlie dry arch, the door s'ep, or, aa a paaaing luxury, the 
twopenny lodgiDg-house— poor, indeed, ia the harreat of the sc'iool- 
maater ! Cleanltnesa we take to be one of the beat teadiera — >be 
prime uaher of the school for the poor. There was an old fashion that 
went to bnbe the brain of the learner b^ a subtle appeal to the leannr'a 
stomach: the pupil ate and digested his A. B C. in apicy gingerbread. 
Why will not government place in the handa of lite poor ao alphabet of 
knother substance —namely, untaxed soap ? Truly, the fint im- 
portant syllable for the poor lo learn, is W. A. 8. H. 



A Rabid Propensity for Pence. 

Mil John 0'Contcf.ll ia D:aking a grtat noise about the Irish Vice- 
Royalty being done away with. He need uot be to alarmed, for, if that 
Vice ia removed, a greater one will still exist. Tor we have always cos- 
siilercd the worst Vice of Ireland to be agitation, and that comes much 
more home to bim thiui the one at the Castle ever could or would. We 
are afraid, also, that, as long as Mb. Jouv O'Comkell continues to 
nake his miaerabte penny by it, it ia a kind of Yioe that will nerer 
bt aboUstaod ia Irvland. 



OTJR OCEAN BAILTPFS. 

Wren the execution which Sheritp Palmerston. by the agency of 
his officer Faakeh, at the suit of Davio Pacifico and another agaioat 
Otito, King of Greece, has put into the Pirieus, sha'l haveanawerod its 
purooae. and either the demand of defendants shall bare been discharged, 
or IQB pliiinti/Ta masta and other alicks shall hare been aold off for the 
b.'ncGt of his creditor*, owr Ji-fa squadron might perhaps be sent to levy 
a diatreea upon the United States. There are lilt In matters not yet 
aettled between British subjects and Mississippi. Besides, the crime 
of piracy continnes to be practised to a frightful extent by American 
puoliahera, and ought to be checked, for the intcrefct of literature, the 
true glorv of Kngland. li tliis is not done, Riyja'i Punrh must proceed 
'0 New York, and inflict a m&saacre on the Jonatbanian piratea on his 
own resDonsioility. For the present we leave ihia important matter in 
the bands of Her Maje»ty'8 Stieriff for Foreign Affairs 



TreapAssera, beware! 

A couREsroNORHT of the Timet calls alteotion to iasidtous Iniok-axxd- 
mortMr intentions at Albert Gate. There is a threat oE building— 
building '. 

" I fiur thftt this U BO alr-drawa dssaar of laiiie, for a Ma. Gnrrr bai^aillMr by 
sxetwtMce or parehuM, obUlncd Voa jtowerof bolldlog then." 

Air-drawn dawera we despise. But, we counsel John BrLL to taVo 
wary heed of builJct Cubitt s " dagger of lath " and— plaster ! 



"People's Bditions.*' 

It ia the fashion, and a very good one too. ♦© bring out a People's 
Edition of every thing, at a much reduced price, generally one penny. 
Mb. John O'Connelx. has fallen into the same fashion, and has been 
bringing ou^ but with rather indifferent success, a new £diiiou of his 
father's fp?ecbes at Conciliation Hall. Judging, however, from the 
style of language occasionally indulged in und^r its roof hy certain 
oatriotio gen'lemen, we should be more Inclined to call the series, now 
in eonrse of publicat ion at Conciliation Hall, " Th£ Pboflb's S-BDtnov. 
PWCB Oit* PawxT." 



I 

I 



J 




PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



SlB^— Yon tre »warf that 
fouare a public chn- 
racter, and, as such. 
70ur peraonal ap- 
pearanOQ and habils 
are necessarily Ibc 
subject of iDlerest 
and remark. 1, my- 
self, sav jou ilie 
olber da;r quitlinf! 
the Amencan packet 
tliip S^juihumptoH, 
with your pockets 
cmntnted full of ci- 
giirs vbich Captain 
MoiiGAN had pre- 
^pnted to you, and 
>c;u were sepn pub- 
licly sinokioi; on" 0. 
iliem in the slnsctf 
of Oravestnd after 
you had taken learc 
of the gallant Ctip- 
l«in and liis vessel. 
Sir. you area smoker. 
I ain another. I am 
not ashamed of my 
habit. 1 like ii; 1 
uphold it.: and 1 am 
dtsirous that you 
ilinuld defend it. 

"Ia the Morning 
ChnmieU of Inst 
Saturday, I read a 
leading article, iu 
which men who 
smoke are ca'lcd 
*Bel&«h' and 'nAsty' 
— and are held up to 
general reprobation 
for their practice of 
smokinR npon railways, and, of course, leaTinnc the odour of their cigars in 
the carriajfcs behind them. The Chronicle writer draws a ffarj"! picture 
of the agonised discomfort of a laiiy disinclined to tuhArro, aiidLlurced to 
make a journey of a hundred miles in a carriage imprpjcnaud with its 
fnmes, and by the side of a Rent who had bwn secretly smoking his 
weed up to the time of the eniraoce of his fellow p\8sen^er. 

** There is no doubt that it is unplejisaat for a female disliking tobacco 
to sitbyaman'sside who has just been consuming his ci^ir: but t^ir. it is 
also cl'-ar, that it is nioit unpleasant for a man to ha interrupted in Us 
pastime. Each individual under the circumstances is worthy of a 
genuine pity. 

" 1 put out of the (jiies! ion the epithets of 'selfish' and 'nasty' em- 
ployed by the Chronicler; who does not probably smoke himself. So 
it is aelUah to drink a glass of wine or to eat a luncheon at Sirindon or 
Wotverf-on— but it is naUiral . you do it b^«Ause you are hangrjr or 
tbirs*y, and because yau like it. So it is soKiOi for Mrs. Muscaael to 
perfumt* her pocket-handkerchief with that abominable scent, to me a 
ihousan J limes more odious than the nice wholesome uaturAl fragrance 
witiob fondly lingers about a man's coal and whiskers after he has 
enjoyed a cigar. There is no u^ in catling me names, and saying that 
smoking is nasty. I intend to smoke: all Eurooe smokes : all the 
world smokes:— Tobacco hts oonouered the world, and is an estv 
bliihcd fact of which it is as impossible to get rid as it would be to got 
nd of railrxMids or to return to Protection. 

" The fact being so— it surely becomes the duty of the Statesman to 
admit it, and instead of attempting insinely to repress it., to regulate it 
BO as to afford the least inoonvenienco to the public. You iry to put 
down Suioke by absurd prohibitive laws, and wuat is the consequence ? 
Itpenetratu everywhere. It laughs at your strict orders, it soonu 
your preventive raUwav guards, and eludes your cordons of poUoemen. 
It BOents your closest carriages, it lingers in your flrit-class cushions : it 
sickens your ladi<». and it makes your lAorning Chro/ticU squeamish. 

" Sir, as a smoker I neither wish to make a lady sick, or to witness 
the oualnls of the editor of any newspaper. Give me a place where I can 
indulge in my harmleas habit apart from puking manaood and squesm 
ikh beauty. Give mo a smoking carriage on ine railroad. The Kaucli- 
Eimmer that aocom^anies every train in the German railroads, is worthy 
of a great and pliilosophic nation. It is a fragrant and comfortable 
retreat. It has varnished leather or akin cushions, and tin reoeptacles 
for the smoker's athea. Give us, I say, smoking carriages on our rail- 
nwls : then smokers will not intrude tbemaelves upon scented dandies 



or faminte the mnfEi and lippeta of females. It is not ws who am 
them. It is they who are annoyed because we tmoke. Let us Ira 
Apart, if the ladies don't like us. We douH want their ladyshij 
society : we want our pipes. It is the non-smoking community wb 
ought to petition for smoking carriages more than we: wi don't feel 
inconreTiienco. Let the women of England agitate the matter : t 
their question not onra. 

" And 1 drclare that T, for one (and I am a member of a great 
powerful assoctttion, sworn to the cause), make it a matter of prinni] 
even to ray own personal discomfort soiactimea, to smoke wbeoevt 
can get a chance on a railway. Whenever I see an unoccupied carri 
I pop into it and fumigate it. When the guard come*, and ct 
moniouely expostulates, 1 laugh in his ioDy face. He is a man am 
smoker. Is lie to search my person and take awav uiv case P Id 
him. My cigar is well crushed into the rug under the heel of mv b 
before ho has asked a question; crashed into ibe rug so that ail ' 
scents of Araby can't gei the smell out. And I know of some gt 
martyrs and stnigglers in the cause who expressly use the very rank 
tobscco, in order to advance the principle, wliiob goei on iaoreaa 
and increasing, vimquf afguirii olatdo. 

" lour constant reader and fel]ow^mok«r, 

"CAVBin>inLl 



THE EXHIBITION OF -INDUSrRY.— A HINT, 

Peace waves her olive-branch, and summons round her, 
Array of beads iinhelmed, unwcaponed hands ; 

Cou>mercc. late lightened of the chnins that bound her, 
Speeds bilherwards the gifts of many lands. 

Now, for the first time since the world was parled 
By differing tongue*, round Shinar*s tower of old. 

One nation, horny-hsndod, and s'rong-heartcd. 
The grasp of ftieudship out to all doth hold. 

The giant. Industry, with mighty motion, 
Stirs from Norwegian hills to far Ca'bay ; 

From island unto island of the ocean. 
He calls upon bis sons, and they obey. 

Uammera are falling, forges roaring free. 
The wheels whirl round, the noisy shuttles rattle; 

And far as ear can hear or eye can see, 
The world's astir wilb note of peaceful battle. 

Mind wars with matter in a thousand forms 
And conquers it, ihou^h ne'er so big or brave. 

Till the wild lightning from its house of atorma. 
Descends to do man's errand, like a slave. 

But while with pide such victories we hail. 

And view thnr gathered trophies, let the thought 
Pass from the labour to the luhourer pale, 

That on these miracles of skill tiath wrought. 

From out of gorgeous hues and fabrics rare 
Let the gaunt weaver's face its lesson tooic. 

And all that 'a forged, or wove, or carven there, 
Becomes a leaf of a portentous book-* 

Too often blurred with blood, blotted with tears. 
With sin and sorrow writ, from rim to rim ; 

While they that ought to read, with selfUh fears 
Avert their eyes from oit the record grim. 

It is a palimpsest — fair-writ, beneath 

The red and rugged lettering above, 
Are sweetly-sounding anoient words, that breathe 

Of brotherhood and peace, and joy and love. 

God speed the time when from that volume's face. 
Some reverent hand, with loving heart for guide. 

Sliall those distressful cliaract.era efface, 
And bring to liglit the blessings that they hide. 



An Archbishop*! Orthography. 

DocTOU JoHS'soN, as an extreme Tory and High Churchman, hej 
views generally in accordance with those of ARCHBisnop Lidd. Xa 
nothing could be more utterly at variauoe with Johssok than the sul 
joined passage in a letter of LaUD'a lately published by STLVavO 
Urhak, Genr. : — 

" Yoiir lnrd«blp'« otbnr UXex mad« tiU malntya Mtd mU eli that Mw« Ul^Mltt. "M 
th« feUove iM «tli«r m&d or ftl DeAUm doors m owra aatring« In u ai%y be. 

If AacirBisHOP Laud was a churchman renowned for his n 
was certainly a prelate no less remarkable for hia spelling. 



eadjud 




VIIL— 185a 



142 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 




THE HOKN OF PLATT. 

Bbass. it seems, is not invuiably 
profitable matemlj eTen 
when traded upon in most 
worshipful society. Not ^- 
ways aoes a man blow his 
own trumpet — (some men, 
indeed, are not merely single 
trumpets, but brass bands 
complete)— to his own final 
advantage. The case of Ma. 
Platt— and few men have 
made sweeter noises in the 
world— is a powerful illus- 
tration of the perils that 
environ melodious brass. 
Mb. VhkTt has ip-own old 
upon his horn: and now — 
"having lost, from great and 
continual pressure, thewbole 
of his front teeth,'* he seeks 
to obtain some sort of pro- 
vision by means of a concert 
"to exempt him from the 
Bufferings of an indifferently 
provided for old age. The horn,"— continues the Herald, in the kindest 
spirit— "is an instrument by which but little c&n be accumulated, 
however long Ihe service." In a word, the brass at a man's mouth, 
however exquisite its utterance, cannot be as profitable, as the unseen 
brass in a man's lungs — as the brass armour i» a man's cheek. The 
QuEXN vouchsafes her sympathy to the poorer [worker in brass ; 
f^NCE Albert patronises tne blown-out musician, and many of the 
nobility and ifentrj^ touched by the recollection of Me. Platt's art — 
an art exercised for nearly thirty years — are pledged practically to 
manifest their grateful memory. This is as it should be, alike bo- 
noorable to the people of gold and the veteran dealer in even more 
musical metal ; most musical, moat unprofitable. 

* Let the bright flcnphlm in homing rov, 
Their loud npUfted angel trumpets Mow." 

In how many ears these words will awaken the echo of Pla^tt's horn, 
as its music soared, triumphini; and dallying with its strength and 
sweetness 1 How it seemed lo become vocally spiritualised ; how it 
symiuthised with the singer in her highest flights : how it became like 
a living thing, endowed with supernatural utterance. And at the 
same time — " from great and contmuous pressure ** — the pressure that 
gave forth the divine harmony, the front teeth of the musician were 
paying their existence for the music — gradually giving themselves up 
a certain sacrifice to sweet sounds. Sounds purchased with growing 
canker. 

Has our friend, the reader, ever met with a little book— the auto* 
biography of poor Eulenstein ? In that thin, meagre-looking Uttle 
book, IS a terrible human history. It was the evil destiny of Eolek- 
BTEiN to fall in love with — a jew*s-harp. Passionately in love with 
that most unpromising bit of iron. D*y and night, he wooed the hard, 
unyielding thing, and at lengih made it sing to him most exquisite 
music; at length, he awakened in that twopenny-halfpenny mstrument 
—that pauper thing that come Jew in his most desperate poverty must 
have first fashioned out of marine-store old iron — most marvellous 
harmonies. The Jew's-harp was no longer a schoolbov^s organ of 
annoyance — a big humble-bee grown hoarse— but something even for 
Mercury, with his tortoise lyre, to smile upon. This was a great 
triumph for tlie enthusiast. In the most frightful poverty, he had fol- 
lowed his passion; he had succeeded in his suit; he could touch the 
hsrp, the jew's-harp, to his own wilt ; he had made himself a name and 
—he was toothless. The iron had entered his mouth; his sufferings 
were terrible. He bad put unthought-of melody into the metal, and 
the iron had eaten its revenge. 

And this, in a degree, is the fate of poor Ma. Platt. He has, for 
thirtv year% made crowds of hearts beat thick with his mastery of 
metaj; and— even if he had the fulness of fortune's feast— be wants 
the teeth to enjoy the repast. There is a meaning in this— a sad, 
instructive meaning in the condition of a man of genius— worth, at 
least, the price of a concert ticket, should the prioe m even one pound 
one shilling. 

Hie QcEBV, the Pbivcb, a royal duke, and so forth, will patronise 
the old musician : no doubt many of the wise and good will contribute 
to (he fund sought to be raised for the worn-out artist. If, in ad(Utioa 
to these, the folks who have made their noisy way in the world,— not 
with metallic brass, bat with brass human,-^ they, too^ would oontri* 
bute a moderate offering,— then voold the fund be prosperously 
increased The Horn of Platt would then be the Horn of Plenty. I 



SCENES lEOM TIIE LIFE OF AN XJNPEOTECTED 
FEMALE. 

SH£ HAS A^ EHTEBTIEW WITH HEB JXBAL ABTI8EB. 

Scene.- IV Farlaur in Coram Street SAe hoi skotpH her Atrnt* WtU 
to ket Attobn£T, leho hat covte bg appotn^meni to advite wUh her 
upon it. 

Attornf^ if xiimimTiff ike WHl, and other pe^urt), Hm— hm — hm— yet. 
It niu»t be part of deceased legatee's estate — so it will have to be 
charged with the same lerac^ dutv as a gift in his lifetime, and then, 
you see, it will have to be included in the estate in the estimate for 
paying probate duty tbereon, and be chargeable again with legacy duty, 
because, as you are aware, it's liable to duty in TnoriHs's hands, to 
whom tlie Uj!;atee lert it by bis will. That's satisfactory. 

Uaprotucted Femak [tehae breath and nnder»tandiiig have been tmt- 
pemird during the a&ow, heaving a long sigh). Yes — very — but I don't 
quite understand about it* 

Attomen ilfttrifdin the papers again, and maUng inirieaie calculaiione 
teitA a penetl). Good gracious! iou'?e paid too much probate duty. 
Oil, my deaj- Madam- we must rectifv this at once. 

Ufipfof(cte4 Fm&le. Oli— I 've paid so many things— they told me to 
—and I didn't understand it. [Dejectedfy. 

J Homey, I^et *ft see. iCalculaiing.) Yes, £18 4j/ YouVe entitled 
to £18 4s, We must get your £18 ^. You 'U have no trouble 
about it. 

Vnprotecied Fevmle {a9feh relieved). Oh— indeed— what have I to do, 
if jou please? 

Aitofney. Why, you *11 have to go to the Legacy Duty OflSco — it 's 
wi!hin rhe six monika— and you must produce the probate, and make 
TOUT affidavit — of course, you must swear there was no intention of 
fraud — ^ah — you can swear that before a Master in Chancery. 

Uf'prQt^ded FemaU {bursiing out). Oh— please don't let me get into 
Chancery — oh — now^ 

jiitorne^ {bfandl^^ No— no— a Master «»-traordinary, for taking 
atIidAvit& and actnow led g meats of married women, my dear Madam. 

Unprotected Fanah. But I *m not a married woman — Sir — 

Attorney {(orriciifig kimielf), No— no — anybody can swear an affidavit 
before bim: and then you must subjoin to the affidavit the inventory 
and account— /^r/ you II subscribe. 

UitpTotertfd Female {under ker breath, and in deep agoi^). Dear, dear ! 
How much will tbe eubacription come to P 

Jitorney iche^vlly m Ruing on). No — ^no — your signature only. Then 
we must have the ap^traifiements and valuations duly stamped— uid then, 
my dear Madam, we fihaU go to the Head Office comfortably. 

Ui^roieded FeiimU, Oh— no— don't let us go. I'd rather let them 
keep the EIS 4^. Oh, there are ever so many things to swear, and I 
don t understand iL 

Jifor/tey {"ficottraffiugly). Pooh, pooh! my dear Madam— a mere form. 
Let 'a see {ihovghtJvUy\ ve must show the debts were due and payable 
in law. {Sharply) You've got vouchers for the payments? 

Unprdected Female iclnj^ifig her hands). Oh— what 'a that P I paid 
tUcni all their bills. 

Ji/orney. But you took receipts and legal vouchers P 

fjifproie^fed Fesra/e. Oh — I think I did — but I don't know what 
voiichera are. 

Attorney. There were those mortgages. Let 's see — we shall have to 
produoe tbe morf^a^o deeds. I forget. Had you a re-conveyance of 
th^ premise^', or a re-assignment of the term P 

I' ttprotfdfd Ftvtate {bitterly). Ob — how^wItoknowP Howcanyou? 
Oh — they 're all there. \_Poiniing kelplessly to the heap of papers. 

Attorney {atide). Oh — these women ! By the way, there were some 
collateral Becurities in Boexr's debt. We must' show them to be 
cancelled. 

Unprotected Female. Oh — how ? I 'm sure, I dare say it was, but I 
don't know. Why dou't you take 'em all yourself, and do it, and don't 
fngb'en one. 

Attorney, My dear Madam, yon 're executrix, and we must be regular. 
No judgEQentdehu, I suppose? 

UxproUeied Femnk. On ! what ever's that ?— do you think I know a 
jiidgmcnc debt when I set it P Do look in the papers. 

Att^ntry. Because if so, we must produce office copy, and entry of 
Fati-Tjchon on record, of course. 

Vtiproiected l^nute {itipidfy). Yes— of course— buf, oh, I wish you 
v6uldn'r, I dou't understand what you're talking about. But I'd 
ra'her let them keep the £18 4e. 

Aiiarmey. Then (here are three legacies to the old serranta — 

Unprt/ieeted Female {filad to shorn she CAM do something). Oh— I paid 
them. 

Attorney, I douH see the rroeipfB. 

Unpraieeied AiH/«. Eh P Oh— the M housemaid couldn't irni^ and 
the hous^eener was a veiy respeetable woman. 

Attsfwey. You don't mean to ny, that you've gone and paid the 
legacies, without taking ataaiped raottpti f 



L 



PUNCU, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



Unproteettd FemaU [,i$mocenttp^. Ton know it cftn't m&kc ki\j roalter. 
Tbey 're qaite bonett people, and they M never come again for the ntoney. 

Attornt^. But jon've subjected yourself to i heavy p^nnlty, Ma'aui. 
You vere bound to tiike a receipt, with dale, tr8Utoi''s oauie, ezor's 
name, legatee's name, ainouut and rate of duty. Bear, drar, this is very 
serious ! 

UitproUcUd Female iUarfuUif), Oh — ^bovr is a poor woman to know P 
But nobody will ever 5nd out. 

AUontfv. Then the Irgalecs are liable to a penalty for not giviiiff the 
receipt. rbcy*ll be down on those poor servants, at the Legacy Duty 
Office. And there'll he tbe ten per cent, on the legacy to pay perbups 
—dear me, this is very unrorhinate. 

VwproUclfd Femals (in utter deapair). Oh — why did AuKT Smitiier5 
leave me ber exeouirix? Why diiiu*t she pay tbe servants their legacies 
before she died P Oh — What is to bo Hone P T winh soniehody — 

[714* door opem i^/Hif, and Ma. Jo-nes apj^ars, UNrROTBrxED 
FrMaLB f«eU that a higher potter has mierfertd in her behalf, 
and rmhet to receive Aim, 

Mr. Jones {smilingly). l)o I interrupt business, eh ? 

Unpiotecied Female, Ob — Mr. Jonks— oh, no — oh,I*m so thankful 



you 're come. Ob — do jook at all those papers ! you can't think how 

" ' (1' 
he'd understand it, and act 
p'ease, Mr, Jones P It, 's Aunt Suitheks's will. 



ftlad I am to see you 
ait you've lold me, be 



f iviwK Mil Bit ■tivi'Vi |.Ha|/^ia ; j uii t, 

(7*0 Attornet) Ob. if von 'donly lell Mu. Jones 
e'd understand it, and act for me — won't you. 



}fr. Jone.t {tcho ha.f lo»g felt a cHrmity about that doeume/tt). With 
pleasure, my dear Mfldaiii— with tbe greatest pleasure. 

Unproterted Female {all but gtcing tray). Because, you know, a woman 
can't be expected to understand these things, and I 've no uiale relations 
(bititAittg) lo advise m-— and I've been doing everything wrong, it 
seems — and exposing Uiyself topenallie-', and vouchers, and things— and 
I don't know anything nlwul; it ■ but if ^ou 'It Inlk lo Mb. Smart, n.y 
solicitor. {To Mb. Smart.) This is Mb. Ju.nks, Mil Smart, i'/'o 
Mn. Jo.sEB.) I daresay^Mcan underitandMK Smart. Ob— now, do. 

Mr. Jvttes {gaihntlf). To save you any trcublp, my dear Miss 
SiiiuoGi.hs, ii a pride and a pleasure— now, Ma. Skabt. let 'a see tbe 

IMpffS. 

LSuaBT rtvrf Jo>fJs brg[n threading the legal lub^tifith, the VyfliO- 
TKi I CD Kkmalb fif-1 by, looking un'fh admiration at Jones, and 
littciting Ktlh childlike faith tv hit r<mark4. — Scene closet. 



THE cohnish cadis. 



We have not yet quite abandoned the babits of our forefathers. 
There are boots and breeches among us yet, and the latter sit at the 
seat of justice, and the former walk in her paths, and the 'squires within 
Ibem here and there, in quiet nooks aud comers of the island, still ad- 
minister 'squirearcliical justice. Of this consolatory fact here is a litlle 
piece of evidence, furnished by the Tiaes reporter on the 'Western 
Circuit, writing fro.n Btidmin : — 

" nefore we Uke lean cf tlils i>]ec«i, wo wouU agatn call att^nUon to a clrrumMadrr 
vttlcb. perbapa. may ba conaldemt by many to bn a moKt cxtrabnlioarr iitU.'rfvrcucc 
wttli tb« Ubarty oT Oie Autijtfct Wo find unonir Ui« priaooen tn tbe ntA on foniier 
onlara, •Wii.i.um i^vxcn, cniimKlPd Ui« Ifith of Septemter, ISIS; for a braarb oT Ifao 
tiaaea, for two year*, or unlil be iltftll find aarBtlu (or U« good behAvtour- Wiluam 
Wimuilf, eommlllcd Umi Wh of May, 1K19, a breach of tbo f*«iw, for twolva oalendAr 
DwaDu, or uiiUl b« •hall flna iuretlc» ; Joiijt Wall, Ibo 5tb of Fcbmarr, laJOi b braacti 
of tbo peace, fur twelve calcuilar tmitithii, or onlU bo »bal] find Kurctlca.''* ^^ 

Now the peace is a valuable commodity, but two years virtual im- 
prisonment for its breakage is rather excessive damages. What next •* 
We shall hear, perhaps, of tbe magistrates of Cornwall contl^catinff 
offendem goods and chattels, or ordering delinquents to be bastinadoed 
a It Cadi, rid libitum. It would not be surprising if these gentlemen 
were to set up a little extra-legal fallows, and carry out. thereon, their 
peculiar views of penal disoipline. 



Pro Omnibus Bibo. 

Tira Amencan Ambassador, on returning thinks for his health at 
the Mansion House, said on Easter Mondav, that 

" When the loving cup went round, he 'drank for 22 000000 if his 
countrymen. 

The reports say "Drank with all the honours;" and renUy. after 
such a draught as that, we do not wonder at it. 

But suppose every Ambassador drank to tbo same extent, the Lord 
MaiOB would have to provide drink for all the world * A Mansion 
House dinner would be quite "an Exhibition of the Drinking Industrv 
of all Nations." ' 

Xr SOLK's IX A&MS. 

A Letteb from Sweden says that there is an order for the navy to 
be immedutely put "on a war fooling^' We suppose that the sailors 
will aU have to wear Bluchers or Wellingtons; which is our ide»- 
rathcr a hterai one perhaps— of a war footing. 





THE QUARTEK'S EE VENUE. 

HE returns of the Revenue ar^ 

now before us* and to tho«e 
who are fond of a puizle. com- 
posed of the mjstitication ol bq 
array of figures and facts, we 
can promise an hour's treat, in 

, a contemplation of the official 
document. Tbe best of it is, 
that it is a puszle which never 
ends, for the llelums may l>e 
returned to again and again 
without any solution of the 
myslery. Ave are hsppy to be 
told that the result is satisfac- 
tory, though the balance is on 
the wrong side ; but we can- 
,not very well understand what 

I llicre is satisfsotory in a reduc- 
tion of income ; and. i^bcn we 
come to detail?, the following 
is tbe result of all we cau 
gather : — 

The Customs havedccrcased^ 
from a scarcity, we ttipposs, 
of customers, and there has 
been a falling oft' in sugar.— 
the sweet toolb of John Bull having failed lo exert its usual influPLce. 
Grain and flour have also produced less, — so that the contents of the 
sack hare Bynlpathi!^ed with the sarcbarine. In the Excise there has 
been additional consumption, — to that the depression complained of has 
not mnterially ulTectcd I he »piiitf>, and poverty has bad its gin, if it lias 
also had it« bitters. The A-ssesscd Taxes seem to Imve been paid more 
promptly than usual, and the gatherer has no doubt had his patience 
less tried, aud been able to keep himself and bis rates more thoroughly 
collected. 

The Income-Tax sooms to be in an undulaiing alale, for one vcar it 
goes "up, up, up," and another year it goes "down, down, down," 
out for tlie Quarter just ended, we have relunis that look like 
increased protiis. There is a dccrrase of £8000 in the Posl-Oflice. 
which, if we maybe allowed to adopt tbe usual mysterious stylo oi 
analysing oQicial stfttcments, would show a diminution in letters 
amounting, when divided by 2C, to a failing off of 307 aud a fraction, on 
every letter of the alphabet. 

Though the revenue has decreased on the quarter, it has increased 
on the year, and so long as on a series of dindniahing quarters wo get 
an augmented total, we supoosQ we Imve uoLhing to c.inpUiu of. The 
revenue seems lo have a gooa deal of the frothy buoyancy o( a pot of beer, 
which, though decidedly deficient in quantity, may be made, by a proper 
adjustment of a " hcail," to wear tlie aspect of refreshing redundancV. 

We have a word or two lo say about the Income-Tax, whicli nas 
taken a sudden start that may — or may not— be thus accounted for. 
Taking the whole in round numbers— and we will, for the sake of 
uniforniily, nsc round numbers only— at 000.000.000, it is fair to con- 
clude that every circle — of the nine we have embraced — is recovering 
from the crisis. 

With reference to the decrease, it must be rcmeiubercd we have liad 
no China money this year, nor have we received anything from tbo lliycr 
Flate, BO that the CiiANCEi.LOii ok tiie Exciieqcek's plate and china 
closets are gcting equallv empty. In looking at other commodities 
we must enibrace ibe whole of tliem at once, for we cannot take coflce 
virhout sugar, nor should we think of getting rum into our heads tilt 
we had discussed the loaf, and lome other articles of general consump- 
tion. When the chalT is separated from the corn, when the grain in the 
husk feels the full benefit of the principles of UusKiitsoy, when the 
fancy loaf is as free as the brick, henceforth to be released from duty, 
then, and not till then, will English Industry have fair piny and fair 
work, for all work and no play has made Jack Bdll more dull than be 
ought to be. 



Tbe London Phanaacopoeia. 

NaroLROv, talking of medicine, said, "Water, Air^ and Clennlinen. 
are tbe chief articles in my riiarmacopoeia." But if Napoleom bail 
lived in Ijondon, hia Pharmacopeia would have been very badly 
stocked; for nei*her its air nor its water can l>e reoomnieudrd, from 
their excpssive purity, for cleanliness; though, at the same lime, 
wo nnist confess that tbe water of tbe Thames is. in its way, *'tf 
perfect drug." 

RErt.£CTION OP A LONnON SIGHT^SEEIU 

I wouldn't give two-peaoa to see St. Paul's— if the Dean and 

Chapter didn't make me. 



i 



4 



4 



i 




OUK "USED UP" MAN TAKES A WALK WITH HIS COUSINS IN KENSINGTON GARDENS. 



I 

I 



THR GRATUITOUS EXHIBITIONS OF LONDON. 

In Htis dearth of Bights, opeu Rratuitou&Iv to the public, wc tliit.k it 
our dutv to point Ihe attention of tbe jMiblic to such objects of out of 
door attraclioQ sa hat bo seen upon those easy terms on which a cut 
i« vulgarly supposed to enjoy the privileRe of gazing at rovolty. For 
those who cannot aflford the Zoologtcal Gardens, at one shill'Dir, there 
is the collection of animals known as the Happy Family, in Tr&falmr 
Square ; and though there is a suspicious drowsinefts abnul sHne of the 
inmates of the cage, wiiich leads ub Bometimes to doubt whether the 
apAlhjr of some of 'he antagoniBtic Irihes is Ihc result of discipline or 
drugging, the exhibition posaessea sufficient interest to repay thf 
pNAnenger for n moment's pull up on the pavemrnt. For those of 
active imaginations who can see in the spirting of the ayrioge the 
grandeur of the cai^cade^ there src a few pints to be qu&ifed from 
pleasure's cup in a conleniplatio;n of the paltry piece of lumcockery 
that is going on in the imme(li>ito neighbourhood of the exhibition 
already alluded to. For the lorers of pictorial art who cannot indulge 
their taste hy paying for admission to galleries of paintines, there are 
numerous specimens of the modern masters to be seen in llie course of 
a ramble through the metropolis. There are the illuininatcd vans, for 
inathtice affording gratuitous gUuipsea of the exhibitions they are 
designed to advertise. 

To those who cannot afford to visit the Panorama of the Nile, there 
is a camel, served up like a sandwich between a pair of pyramids, lo be 
seen for nothing at all ; and those who cannot muster a shilling for the 
excursion to Auatralirt and back, under the guidance of NtB. Pnour, 
who inviies the public to enter into bit Australian view?, may eujoy any 
day in Urgent Street a small taste of convicts and kangaroos, in a scrips 
of two tableaux, on a perambul&ling cart, drawn by a boras that would 
have caused IUchahd tub Tiiibd to have repented of his bargaia, bad 
the brute been brought forward when the monarch was offering bis 
kingdom for a specimen of the animal. These tableaux are not only 
amusing but iniitruclive, for one ol them has taught us the fallacy of 
the saying that " a bird in ha!id is worth two in the bush," for we learn 
from the Austraiisn views that Ihe birds iu the bush are of such 
exquisite beauty, that one of tbem is worth any two or any twenty of 
those that wc h^ve ever had in band in this country. 




We need scarcely call attention to Ihe numerous exhibitions of wax- 
work that are scattered all over Ihe t-own at the tailors' doors, and 
which if they do not equal in fearful interest the Chamber of Horrors, 
yet afibrd pleasing illuHtralions of the state of national eostnme in the 
middle of the nineteenth century. 

We say nothing about the Fantoccini i>crfomiancea that abound 
in London, for ihey are only quasi-gratuitous, inasmuch as the thrusting 
of a haf under one s nose amounts lo a sort of douee violfnce, as Lord 
Bkougtia-U calU it, which one is only too glad to get rid of at the 
nacnfice of one's lo«.»se copper. We had nearly forgotten that for those 
who love the bustle and excitement of military soencs, the glitter and 
clutter of camps and courts, there is the daily encampment of a British 
Cohort in the court ->ard of St. James's Palace. There may be seen, for 
nothing, the youn;? Guardsman first smelling Sre from a amoky chimney 
in the ncighhourhoud, and learning while standing by bis colours at bis 
post — the lamp-i>ost in the centre — to bear the heat of the action ; for 
the action, though comparatively trifling, i-* certainly not without heat 
when the sun happens to be rather powerful. Such are a few of the 
smtuitous Exhibuions that London contaius, and we have no doubt 
tliat having put people on the right scent, they hare only to follow 
ilieir noses to find out many others such as ibote ve have drawn 
atteniioa to. 



The Coming Animal. 

A Hippopotamus is waiiing %t Alexandria, to be shipped over to 
England. This will be the first visit ever paid to this country by Ihia 
noble and rare crenlure. Apartments have already been engaged for 
him at the Zoological Gardens, where an artist will wait upon him at 
the very earliest opportunity, with the view of taking bia portrait. 

A ship has been put at the disposal of the Hippopotamus - and the 
captain has received orders to pay him every nossiole attention, and to 
spare no expense in " going the entire animal. ' 

The Rhinoceros lately has been very noisy, and has not slept for 
weeks, the keepers say there is more in this than meets the eye; but 
for ouraclvM, we attribute it to a mejwi spirit of jealousy. The Rhino- 
ceros h evidently afraid that the Hippopotamus will put his noee ont 
of joint. 



i 
4 



i 





PATRON SAINTS FOR THE WORKING CLASSES. 

eab Pumch.— I am a journeyman c«r- 
pcnlcr and joiner. I bare a wife and 
four cbildren. 1 bfg pardon if by so 
callioR them, instead of terming? tliem 
my old woman and kids, or toud^ un«, 
I am usinff lanfruage unsuited to my 
atatiou in life. Let that pass. I took 
the former and two of tbe latter to see 
the National GaUerr and the British 
Miisi'uni on Easter Mondar. 

" If it be asked what tbcre is lo in- 
terest nic at either of those places, 1 
answer, the Pic'ures in one, and the 
Statues, snd Antiquities, and Stuffed 
Animals in the other. I sptnd a 
part of my leisure time in reading, 
and know & little about sucli matter?, 
tboueh not «o macli as I could wish. 

"When I go tolookatapictureorastatuPjIlikc to sit or stand brfore 
it in quiet nnd comfort, (tire my mind to it, and enjoy the thoughts which 
it conjures up: 1 had rather do this thun smoke a pipe. So when I 
examiue curiosities and specimens of natoral history, I wish to do it 
with my attention undisturbed. 

"On Raster Monday both the Museum and Gallery were so crowded 
as to moke it a hard maUcr to move. I got. mere glimpses, which only 
tantalised me, of the wonderful and beautiful things in tbcm. My wife 
nearly fainted with llio heat, and my children, the biggest of wbotn is 
not up to my shouldfr, could scarcely see at all, and were slmo^t stifled 
for nothing. I have read in newspapers of a place called t!ie crush- 
room at theQoEEN's Opera- I suppose ihe Brilish Museum and the 
National Gallery on Easter Monday may have been something like it. 
If 80, my eitpenence on that day was a lesson to me not to envy my 
betters. 

" These tiro exhibitions will continue to be crowdtd in this wav, so 
Jong as they are the only ones open gratis on the few holidays we nave 
in the course of the year. This being the case, such institutions will 
never do us any good; for you don't breathe in improvement with 
the mere air of a room, especially when it is loaded with 800 or 1000 
breaths besides your own. 

"To see thes« places in comfort, and therefore to an;r good purpose, 
what we workpeople want i« a grea^^'r nuniber of hoIidn>s, carJi holi- 
day being only for a certain number at a time ; so that we may take 
pleasure, like labour, in gangs. 

•* This would be no new-fangled system of holidays. We have one 
already cut and dried. Tliere are the Saints' days. Suppose we kept 
Ihem. Not by worshipping the Saints as dcmi-godsj or any nonsense 
of that sort, but by taking heal'hy and useful recreation. Tfic Sainls. 
I suppose, were good folks, and would approve of this way of showing 
rcsptct to them. As it is, their names stand in the Calmdnr, going for 
no more than those of so many directors of a Savings' Bank. I except 
St. Drtvid and Sf . Patrick ; and 1 propose to keep the other Saints' days 
Uke theirs— barring the drink. 

"Iliemsmierl would have the Saints' days kept in, is (his. Formerly, 
every irade almost, had a Saint at the head of it; the wool-combers 
St. BUizr, I think ; the cobblers St. Crispin, and so on. Very well. 
Let each irado observe its own Saint's Day, and do him the honour of 
Tisiting gratuitous cxhibitinns. fetching a pleasant walk in the fields, 
or going a nul or steamboat pilgnmi^ to such places as Windsor or 
Hampton Court. In tlin meantime if anything were known of the 
Saint, to call his history to mind, with a view to take ^ttero from it, 
if worthy of being taken pattern from, would be very nght and proper, 
of course. MjUisns. Spook£B and Pluuptuk would lind that steam- 
boats and trains would load much less on Sundavs, if roasters and men 
would put the ir horses toRelher, and make the above arrangement. 

*' Some trades and callings have no Saints of their own : the Navvies, 
for instance, who came up since the Saints' time. Such trades might 
elect a provisional Saint to serve till they could produce a new one. 
Why cannot Saints be niaJe now, as formerly ? Why not a St. Dobbs, 
stonemason, as well as a St. Ddxstan, blacksmith ? The Saint might 
be an artisan, a tailor, a bookbinder, a piumber'and-glitzitr, a cotton- 
spinBCr — what vou will — who bod led an uncommonly respectable life. 
lie should not ne like the sort of Saint that used to live as a hermit, 
wearing horse-hair next his skin and nrytt changing it; on tbe con- 
tniry, he shou'd be remarkable for having generally had a dean shirt 
I.1-, nnd for having creditably supported a wife and family. When such 
a Rood fellow as this dies— leaving, perhaps, a trifle for his widow and 
children— canonise him. Keep a happy holiday yearly in his honour. 
Call him Hero, if you stick at a title that vou think too serious; but 
if anybody in these hard times deserves to be oouuLed a Saint, it u the 
temperate, honest, iuduatrious Working Man. 

" Yours, JoHV Adaus ." 



monum:ent to ebenezer eluott. 

Thb true-tempered men of ShcfTirld arc about to do a n^-v l.rnnMr f^ 
themselves by honouring the memory of Kbenezeh Kllio i 

whose iron pen dxew up the indictment apainst that public k i- 

Law: and never WAS indicUncnt belter drawn for conviction ; though 
a rare success attended the novel deed, for it was only worded with 
common words, the words themselves hot and glowing with hat* of 
wrong. Elliott struck from hi* subject— as the blttcksmith s'rikea 
from tbe red iron— sparkles ol burning light; and where they fell they 
coufcumcd. llis homely indignation was sublimed by the intennity of 
his honesty: if his words were homely, they were made resist Ic-ta by 
the inexorable purpose that uttered them. But the man bad the true 
heart and soul of the poet, and could love tbe simple and beautiful u« 
paasionately as he denounced the selCeh and the mean. He would turn 
from the coronet of the corn-law landlord, Iho thing he had hamuiered 
vcrv sntall indeed, showing with his beat vehemence, how very, very 
little was ft symbol of socud rank when misused for social wrong, h« 
would turn from the battered bauble, and then from the heart of a 
hedge-flower extract the balm of beauty, and the spirit of love. 

The Corn-Law Hhymcs did greatest service. 1 hey were the earliest 
utterances of a people, contending with a sense of inarticulate suffering. 
They supplied the words ; they eave a voice and meaning lo tbe labour- 
ing heart, and the true poet vinnicAted Ms true mission, by making bis 
spirit pass into the spirits of the many. 

Very secure, indeed, in iJie genius of the Corn-Law were the lordly 
corn-law landlords. ConlernnluouBiy serene the titled Trintolemuaea, 
There wa?, to be sure, a fitful noise — an impatient grunt of the awine 
multitude; impatient of high-priced meal. Yet all went gaily in the 
House; yea, in both Houses of Ijandlords. And, at tbe time, there 
was A plain, strong, vulgar man putting down certain syllables, mea- 
suring out wordy lines — every line the sinew of a Sumpson to pull 
down tbe heathen temple where Monopoly sat enshrined. And these 
words went abroad. They were sung by workmen on their roa*i to 
labour— I hey were chanted at clubs i tuey were droned at the fireside. 
Wrong and indignation were packed into verses, and made portable to 
the smallest faculty. In the meanwhile, what cared tbe laudlord 
Commons, — what the landlord Lords P 

Time rolled on, and Corn-Law was oondenined. The indictment 
drawn by thex>oet, was the draft afterwards ioiprovcd: but EBrsvzEH 
Eluott was the first drawer; and honoured be the men of Sliellicld, 
who seek to do monumental homage to their patriotic poet ! We hare 
plenty of modem statues to tlie sword. It is full lime we had one to 
the oen. 



OUR WIVES AND OUK LITTLE ONES. 

The 7Vm«, in an article deploring the want of gratuitous amuse- 
ments for the people, intimates tliat lliere is at least one squalling baby, 
on an average, in every aparlment of the Nalional Gallery, Our oon- 
tcmporary is unwilling to insist on the exclusion of babies, lest the effect 
should be to prevent tbe admission of those who carry the interesting 
burdens, bat it is gently stated that their squalls do not contribute much 
to a pleasant contemplation of the great masters. It is true that the 

f[reat masters must frequently have attention taken from them by the 
ittlemft-ilers and little mi'^ses in thfir parent*!* arms, but, jjcrhaps a sort 
of machine like an umbrella-stand, mii?ht be placed at thcaoors. m which 
babies could be safely and snugly deposited. Each infant, witu a ticket 
round i's neck, miglit be claimed by the holder of a corresponding 
ticket given at the door, and Ihe infants would, at all events, he safe 
against tiic rifk Ihut aMends umbrellas of bring stolen. If the bsby- 
stand is not approved of by the authorities, we should luggest the 
! adoption of baby-jumpers at tbe doors of our public exhibitions, and 
[thus both parents and offspring could beenjuyiug Lbeirfull swing of 
pleasure at the same moment. 



Agitation at a Discount 

TooR Mn. Joiis 0*Connell declared that when be sees the apathT 
of his countrymen, " his heart is rent." If his heart is rent, there wiU 
be very little for him to take to heart just now, for the repealers are 
evidently desirous of keeping wha'. money they have in their own 
pockets. The son of the A^irator complains bitterly of his having lost 
every atom of the pa-rrntml inlluence which be once hoped to exercise. 



TV'HJiT's in a KAllBf 

Amoko the visitors of rank, fashion, and distinction who "asiisted" 
at the reentry of Sontao at Her Majesty's Theatre lust week we find 
the name of Bsron db Scuehtz. We nmst say that in the brilliant 
assemblage wc observed no one that appeared to us as if he were really 
Bason or Barren of Scukhtz or Shirfa, but perhaps, if there reallj 
was a cose of tbe kind, the individual wore thn collar of some order to 
hide the deficicuoy 




PUNCH. Oil THE LONDON CHARIVARI 



1 



POST-OFFICE DESECRATION OF THE SABBATH. 

It appears that the Maaqitemof Clixeicardb h&s ftlrfrvtyeiTeoted 
or is iihfiui to elTrct. & poaCol arraDKeinent vith F»Dce, by wliich all 
Jcltrre betweca France ami Eneland will be reduced to sixpence, Biid 
further, Ihat the oaid letters will be permitted to c»rry added weigh', 
DAdieiy, balf-wi-ouncc! With these facta published in every news- 
paper, the upaltijr uf iho ardeat. candid folks, who of Intr <ienotiuc«d 
Ihc unrighleousneai of the Post-ffficc infidcU,— appears to Pun^A more 
than perplexing. The French people are notoriously careless of bunday 
observance; therefore is it not plnin that any treaty that shall facilitate 
poatnl intercJMiae between Parm and Loudon, i:"«j/ tend to the postal 
d'*»ecration of au EnRliah Sunday? S'jould any moetin|c be convened 
ui'on the question. Mr. Funch begs leave to state 1 hat thii, hi» last flrc- 
ncir argument, is at the service oi auy bold-faced spfakcr. It it quite 
AS s*roiir, arid bo less lexical, tlian auvthioff hitherto advanced against 
the Sabbath "desecration'* of llio MAiiquEsaor Clambicahdb and 

fiJoWLAtfP HIUm 




N 



PUHCH'S HAND-BOOK TO ffER MAJESTY'S THEATRE. 

HEUE is in (hete 
days a Hand- Book 
from everywhere 
to everywhere 
else, and if any 
one wauts to ro 
anywhere anyhow, 
the enlerpris'ug 
piibli^hersaresiiru 
to furnish him with 
a gtiiJe in post 
octavo, as a sort 
of aign-poat to 
di-ect his move- 
menta. The pil- 
grim about to 
s'art from Ken- 
sington to Knm- 
♦ cliAtko, or from 
P.rnrylothePy- 
frtHii is, will have 
ilm cost of every- 
Ihini; Itiid down 
for liifii, from the 
fure of the first 
'bus lolhc charpe 
for the In^tcatnel. 
Wc defy any one 
startiDgfroinChcl- 
sea to niiss one 
inch of the way to China, if he only provides himso f « i h a nioucni 
Hand'Book. which will lake him up at the Goat and Hoots, and set 
btm down at Ibc sign of the Mandaria and Nine Tails iu the Ccles'ial 
Empire. 

Tuerc is, however, an empire— the delicioub rcAlma of s^ng, to which 
we hare resolved on furnishing a Hand-Book. These real its ar.t con. 
fined within the walls of Uer Majesty's Thfarre. and though the 
dominious are not VMt in extent, thryarc important from the numerous 
objects of interest tlicy contain, and the iafluence they exercisf. 

The laiiS"o^c> costume, and l-abi^s of the population are remarkable 
for their vjiriety, and the produc'iuns of the place present the most 
curious iiihjrcla of study to the lover of art and nature. The scenery 
oombiaea tiie warmth and luxuriance of the South, with the bnld and 
rugged grandeur of the North. The buildings embrace every school of 
architecture, both ancient and modem, while the climate is full of allcr- 
uationi, as sudden, and almost aa severe as those of an English summer. 
We bare often witnessed the graceful paiinewrt gliding over ice, on the 
aame spot that had lately been the floor of a splendid sa/oHt and we bare 
teen the snow-capped mountain occupying, within half an hour, the 
position in which the (retted roof of a banquetting hall had lately been 
Tisibte. ^Ve have witnessed before our very eyes, the furniture of 
nature repUced by the upholstery of art, for we have been startled by 
the sudden disappearance of the mossy bank and the leafy bower, iu 
order to sivc way to the easy chair, and curtained canopy. 

The place we are about to describe is in the centre of the great 
western empire of fashion, and it is watered by the great stream of 
population which flows into it on all sides. It is approached from 
the e&st by the picturesque ridge of mutineers, mustard-pots, and 
pepper-boxes, which have caused the National Gallery to oe so 
generally ineexed at ; and the same approach is refreshed on the 
aouth Side, by those very small beer fouutaini which, almost always 
on tap, are continually throwing cold water on tbe tbeit site in 



Europe. The acceet from the west is niuatly roarked b^ a long line la 

vehicles, all directed to the same pointy and it is by joimng the carafui 

that the traveller is enabled to arrive, in his proper turn, at tbe place of 

)iis destination. Before reaching the spot, lie will he, most probably, 

beset bv a herd of male and female liarbarians, who tiirow themselves 

under the horses' hoofs and the corria^ wheels. wi(h a deterniinaiion 

nnd obi'tinacy, reniiiiding one of nothmit sh<MLof JvuGi:KyAUT. The 

object of this insane aacrillce which, it is calculated, lakes off one per 

Cent, of the toes uf the viotims. it the attempt tO sell certain books, 

purporting to describe what 

will be seen iu the interior. 

This, however, might as well 

be left to the imagination^ as 

for as the books in quest iou 

are concerned; for what book 

can describe such a scene as 

may be passing within, when 

LabLACHE in J)on Patquale — 

that ton of man, aff'rcting the 

man of ton—h raising a laugh 

by his attempts to raise a 

biUet, 

The fraudulent productions 
alluded to are not to be relied 
on, for they are merely the 
t|>^>il8 of a piratical horde, 
who infest the neighbourhood 
for the purpose of waylaying 
the unsuspec'ing traveller. 
Some of the gentler (.onion 
of the neighbouring popula- 
tion come forward with llow- 
eni in their hands, and one 
might fancy oneself among 
those "peasant pirls'* whom 
Byron sp'^aks of "with dark 
blue e}e^" but tbttt ihe eyes 
in Idle prescDt iustanco are 
">"/" frtqueLtW black than blue, and that the shiiU exclamation 
fjf 'Buy a boiik or a book-kay" reminds us that wo nra among a 
bund of strairglers from the adjacent land of cockneydom. At wo 
nefir our dtstinatiou the atmosphere becomes more refined: small 
picktj's of police stave dIT the marauders by the mere production 
of staves. While we gradually descend that little range of mole-hills— 
we cannot call the whole concern put to;5Ctber a mountain— which 
•lopes down from Piccadilly, we liud ourselves passing through a kind 
of I'erracina where every carriage is wavlaid by bandit booksrller* : and 
'here is one who might be considered the Fra Diaoolo of the Hay 
M.orket, if bis velveteens happened, to be green instead of whitey- 
brnvvu. 

The frontier is now nearly gained, and a display of military force 
marks the boundary of a st|Minite domain. The army is no', on a very 
extensive scale, nor is there any standing army, for one part of it is 
always walkin-; to and fro, wbUe the other part is silting down comfort- 
ably before a nre, vbich in a pleasant substitute for the fire of theeneuiy. 
The pttciftc poUcv prcvadmg in the dominions of Opera, or realms of 
Song, precludes Ine necessity for an extensive soldierv, and in fact the 
civil power is parAmount, for the ulmost civility prevails at thefrouticr. 
as well an ftt^tue barrier, where the passiwrtof the travelierwill have to 
be shown. Ibis passport should be procured a few days before setting 
out. and as some of our readers may be unprovided with a passport, 
without which they cannot accompany us to the interior, we eball pro- 
ceed no further at present, for any one who has accompanied ut thus 
far ought not, we think, to be to ungraciously treated as to be left 
outside. 




NO (CONSCIENCE) MONEV RETURNGI). 

In what the Timet ought to coll its " Greenhorn's Corner," it wu 
lately announceJ that 

" Tho CaAXCRUUift or tub Excuagrwi tuu rronirM rram X ttia Ant linir ol a 
t& n'>i«. Ue oaaoot auirar the quMttoa u to lUhlUiy." 

We miss a little appendage, which migbt luive been gracefully added 
to Ihe above announcement, namely : — 

-' Tba CnAXCELLOB or trk F.xchkquih h&g» to b« lafonBed of X'l nddrMs, la onlar 
tliat be maj ratani blm Um bU of B«nk pftiwr." 

The fact of this omission should be a lesson to all those who are 
troubled with any .scruples aa to whether thcirarcounts are quite square 
with their tax-Katlierer. In aqueatian of liability Government takes 
the twncfit of the doubt. Hencefor^'ard, surelv, the most morbidly 
conscientious lax-p»er will not hesitate to use tLe same license, and 
tft/V hesitate before he sends half a note to tlie Kxchequer-Offioe; an 
act of raahness infinitely greater than thrusting one's head half-way into 
a lion'a mouth. 



I 

I 
I 



I 




OUR LITTLE BIRD. 



MILK FROM THE M0DNTMB8. 

To Suuiuh »auiU and about 
twelTe milliona of Spaoish 
human creatures — peoplr,Rll 
deemed rational, witb an ini- 
niortal purpose — to starred, 
celcslial patrons, wa'cli- 
inff tbe de»tii)ies of Spaia 
and the aforesaid millions of 
iiuman bipeds, on their 
course heavenwards — it 
must be a matter dear aa 
daily incense, and daily bread 
and oil io know that — to the 
passing astomalmifnt of the 
late Louis-Philippe, now 
CouwT DE Nbpillt— thfl QoEBN Of SpAtN ifl prosperously living 
towards nia*erpit>, and the consequence thereof is, that — 

"TwoPlty«lcUn«,appoin'*dby tbf Ch»mben(, ItA Mfcdrid on the S4tb alt,»ocIiO(>M, 
lo Uw BiouDi&itu of SluiUnlcr, TVi-o beAltby aunc* to iuokle ibo Itoyal tiifktit." 

An old Spanish writer lays it down aa a doinestio caoon that— if the 
child be a boy. it must have two nurse*. The brace of piiysicianf, 
solemnly despatched by tbe patriotic, pbilosqpiiic CLiambers, in sra'ch 
of mirscB, evidently hope for a man-chdd. It is, doubtless, this exalting 
tispiralion that ctieers them onwards to Santonder. to bring back to 
Madrid mdk from the mouu^aias. 

For our own part, we may be permitted to indulge at this rrry 
momeuf, a sage indifference in tbe matter of tbe sex of the aiifrnst little 
myitory— the small majesty Upeito. We, snow-blooded English, who 
worship neither Bourbon s*int nor Bourbon royalty, may be fairly 
exempt from any palpitation of the heart, whether destiny tosses man 
or woman. Nevertheless, as a general principle, we prefer queens to 
kings. Somehow, the crown is not mute so met.* oric on the head of a 
female, and the sceptre ha« more of the grace and light nr^s of a palm- 
branch. Besides, frugality is a female virtue : queenii, as they are more 
valuable, are ht the same time cheaper. Is it not so ? Tiet us suppose 
— it cannot be tre&sonous towards any holy in St. George's Chapel — 
thftt there biut never hern a Gi^obge tue Fouhth ; but in his stead a 
buxom, good, domestic Gcukuina. How much should we have saved 
in bara cash, and— «rhat as the most moral and pious country under 
tbe sun is, perhaps, of equal consideration — how muob in 'he begotteu 
iniquity of scandalous example ? Again, queens are safer ; their 
thrones more stable. How many a man jerked or tumbled into i he sea, 
has gone down, struggling and shouting, beating tbe waters, and doing 
his best lo ride above them — down be has gone, and no qutsLious 
asked P How many a woman, untowardly cast, upon the same clemcur 
lias floatei like halcyon, unlU rwcucd : floated, without any effort of 
her own. but by an accident of her feminine condition P Her petticoats 
have kept ber up. 

Had ihe aalique law not oblained in France — we olTer this question 
as a Iheais to M. Guizot— might not Louis Puiuppe be itill couuting 
his (we mean ber) money at thei Tuilerieaf 

Therefore, if we maybe allowed the luxury of a liLlle anxiety fur 
Spain at this interesting moment — witb twelve millions of Spanish souls 
in a twitter of teuderest ap^reheusion — if we may send in a fluttering 
wish among tbe millions, it is that Her Majesty Isabella, may 
become mother of a daughter : yes. a little giri— if princesses are ever 
little — even though one of the nurses be sent ba^rk to Santaoder. 

We confess it to be a bold Ibougiit that would lly lo the Asturias— 
that, would dare those mountatnous districts, in a buze and tumult with 
the news of the doctorB, on pilgrimage for mafroa nourishment — of ibe 
purest and healtbiest sort, yes. pure and healthy from the mountains — 
\qx tbe illustrious unknown, tho fleshly, unrevekled magniflcence of tbe 
hot, close, soul-stifling Spantsli court. .Milk from tbe Mountains ! Do 
not tbe Bourbons need it? Could hart pant with hotter thirst for the 
water-course, than the thick, foul blood of the Spanish Bourbon— ^till 
fool with the miasma of unventilated centuries — wght to yearn for 
mountain freshness, could the blessing corne with nuisea f 

A few days since, and what a flutter among the young thriving wives 
of Saatander 1 What visious of glory! What dreams of seraphic 
prioccs and princesses nutsed at tbe chosen, the promoted bosoms of 
nantander: exalted from the mountains ; exalted to — a Court! What 
a grave, aolemn review of flustered, bUok-eyed candidates for the tre- 
mendous honour of suckling or balf-suckling a probable king I Over- 
whelming the glonr of Ihe possibility! Tooc the fo^ter-moiher of a 
king of Spain! Why, witb the awful thought, the mountain spins Like 
a t^, and tbe dazzled sun blinks in heaven ! 

We would take breath, and ask, are the women of Santander. as wet- 
nurses, under the patronage of any particular Spanish saunt, or are they, 
in tbe proeeot Interesting case, pointed at by tbe floger of profane 
knowledge, as the moat robusMbe healthiest of matrons F is their 



milk spiritualised by thn e^pecuU favour of anv Madonna, or is it simply, 
natur^lv, the beat P The two misKioDary puyaiciana may answer, if 
they will. WD cannot. We merely know, upon book- authority, that 
there are rainta, whose particular butinesa it is to watch over the 
interest itig minutes of Spanish princesses. The Virgin has an cbstetrio 
sash, with marvellous comfort in tbe web. at Tortosa; a sash, that 
brings certain and immediate happiness to labouring Infantan. More- 
over, tbe Virgin of O^a has, time out of mind, destroyed worms in 
royal InfantAs. Snakes — (and Spanish Bourbons have been troubled 
with the largerpcut. to the great wmoyauce of their loving subjects,) — 
snakes, we take it^ are beyond her skill. However, in the present case 
— uritli twelve milltons of thoughtful people in a pucker— will tbe Swh 
of Ofia be taken to Madrid f la modem heresy too strong for the irood 
old, Spanish faith ? Seeing, liowever, it is a matter of purest piety, 
it may — on second thoughts— be safely left to grandmother Crbibtina. 

We trust that the pb^-aicians may not have returned to Madrid wiih 
their lacteal treasures discovered at Santander. ere thi% sheet shall have 
flown across tbe Pyrenees fluttering down into the hand of Isabklla. 
Poor thing ! How many an English housemaid, at eight pounds a year. 
wiih tea and sugar, and privilege to see her cousin the carpenicrt on 
Sundavs— how many such a damsel Itas boen happier tban the court- 
laced Queen of Spain! However, common fame is for the ten thou- 
sandth time to be rebuked, and biding her trumpet, with finger in ber 
mouth, must skulk away; for Qukkn Isabkllk, for all his trumpeting 
—sounds that told a flatteriog tale lo Luuis-Philifpe— wilt really be 
a mother- Physicians arc actually despatched for wet-nurses from tho 
mountainous districts of Sanlander. Whereupon, we offer some 
advice j hoping it: may reach Madrid, time eDOOgb for ihe counsel to be 
ripeaea into reali'y. 

W'e herciipon pronose that the two wet-nurses should enter Madrid 
in state. We would have them seated in a carriage ktuck about with 
all fitting devices, drawn by four milk-white mules. Tbey should be 
met — say some three miles from Madrid — by tbe King Oonsor', the 
Ministry, t.be Members of the Chambrs, tjDget her with just a sprinkling 
of people ecclesiastical. The carriage should be followed by two or 
three hundred of Ihe finest of the mountaineers of Santander. At a 
cert^n point the King Consort should address the two uuraei. In 
grave Casiilian spcrch be may observe bow happv he is to see them. 
Flavouring bis words wiUi a pinch of the classical, he may h peak of tbe 
kings suckled by bears and wolves— (omilting tbe unquestionable Rpr.») 
— promising for his child a happier destiny, a more truthful course, 
fostered by such nurses— seeing they are from llio healthiest, and 
strongest of the people ! 

Truly, a pleasant and profitable myth ntight be evolved from the 
homely fact, that the b*be of the pigmy Bourbon — the inrant of a 
dwarfed and miserable line should have the luck to be nursed upon 
Milk from the Mountains. ^ Littlb BtKD. 



THE CHELSEA SQUADRON OF EVOLUTION. 

Previous to the commenoemeut of tbe Penny Steam-Boat Season it 
is customary to turn out the craft for tbe purpose of evolution on the 
Thames, and the following are sonic of tbe resuUe. according to the log 
of a well-known chip of-au-old block, who has been a stoker all his life, 
having been bnm at Stoke Pogis ana educated at 8:oke Newington: — 

April tka 1*/.— On board tbe Daffodil, Signalled the Pol^aniAtu in 
three-fathom mud and one-fathom water. 

9 a. m. — Kan three yards to tho leeward ; fowled a swan ; got out 
the larboard boalbook ; caught a crab; fractured a waterman's scull, 
and missed stays— a pair huugoui. to dry but blown overboard. 

^pMi^ a. m,—T\\e L/i^odil te\)ing otx her jib began jibbing, «bea 
the FofyanthMj. being a cable's length from her spanker, got the cable 
into a knot, which took thirty minutes lo undo, and limited her to the 
rate of i wo knots an hour. 

i io 10. — The Polyanikm got a-ground on a tenpenny nail, having 
gone on a wrong tack, which oroughi her up sharp; and the iJaffodU 
won cleverly by a fljure-hcad. and a bundle of herrings dangling at tbe 
bowsprit. 

The Last of the Gibbet^Fosta. 

The papers tell us that— 

"Tli« lutoftlui Llocwln^blra icibhot-pMts wa« blown dovn by tho lata pUe. It 
vu Uut on whieli, fortr yean ngo, Uio noUrriwu malefaaor, Tom Ottib, «u hung 
La aluUni frr Urn nianl«r, oear Uw aput. vf a yottof wooua Uitt ho oiuriod In tha 
morning Mid klllod hvton Dl|;ht " 

There is a ai^iScant. an instructive omen in this doing of the lato 
gale. Tbe hurricane that: sweeps away tbe Lincolnshire gibbet-post ls 
only propiietic of the public opinion tba% increasing in its might. shaU 
surely blow down every gallows in the kingdom. 



UNpa&ALLiLED MtJNWiCENCE.—Thougb the Gardens were closed, 
the Bears at the Zoological wtre entertained, by order of the Diroolota, 
with a liberal supply of bot-cross buns on Good Friday. ^ 



I:^ 



i 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



NOOKS AND CORNERS OF CHARACTER. 




P 



illCllAllDSON'S GHOST. 

Tax British Drama nods — Sharspbare ^es to sleep nov and then to wake op idl tbe 
utronerr — actors die, — even IIich.vrdson btmself is ttaUiered to hU forefalbers, — but 
lliCHAnnsoN's OAat is always alive. Like the kin^, " The GAosl never dies." 

We hope lie Dever will — for llie OAosi is a very ROod ffllow. He is always to be found on 
the side of \irtiie. When Innocence is oppressed. — and does not know which way fo turn 
to ftToid (be bundle of swords and pouiards that, thick as quills upoa tbe fretful porcupine, are 
pointed at her breast — tlicn the gong is beard— two bars are given in the orcticstra, and Ibe 
Okotl ti^n on to her rescue. Instantly each glittering sword drops to the ground with shame 
— Villany is abashed, and hides his bend at the aide wiup — Virtue nishes to the arms of her 
■paneled lover, and the Rreeu-baize curtaiu ackaowtedgea tbe ptetlioeas uf the taOUau by 
eurfssying to " soft music." 

Ahnzo, Giupartio, RinaUo, owe » deep debt of gratitude to the Gkott, Tluok of tbe 
nnnierous murders their dirks would have been stained with, if it. had not been for bia timely 
apparition. 

The Ghottf however, is most gentle ia his vengeance. His fsco is aa pale as cbalk— his lips 

e the colour of cigar-ashes — but not au angry word Hies from tbeni. He louks a thousand 
unutterable things— but uot to one of ibem does be attempt to eive utterance. He merely 
flaps bia wings— opens tbein to ibe utmost, s'retoh of the table-cloth — but his rcvenf^e goea 
no fnrthcr. After the wrongs that must be locked up in bia ghostly breast, ibis forgiveness 
ahmost touches the sublime I 

SiiAKsrKAHK*>i Ghoit Bpeaks his indignation in the most magnificent blank verse; but 
RiciiAiU)90N'3 leaves bis a blank altogether. Shaksfeake's complaiui of tbe '* tiref/' in 
wbicb be is being roasted every day, like a Spanisii chestnut; he baa n nose to " scent the 
morning air ; " lie has eyes to see the paleness of the glow-worm : be bai painful recoUectiona 
of "a foul, unnatuml, murd«rr," and walks about with a burning desire to have it revenged. 
How dilFerent is IticnAia>80N's Ghost! lou do LOt bear kim complaining. Ue is tomcbodj's 
ghost, but he never lelis you whose. He may be his father's — or bis grandmother's— or tbe 

base traitor's," whose upUfted arm and gxiilty career be liaa suddenly arrested ; but we cannot 
tell: hia lips are as secret as the grave he has that moment come fromi and all we know about 
him is that be is KiCBAKDSoy's Ghost, He is evidently tbe victim ol some frarful crime, but 
he urges no one to blood, in order to avenge it. In fact, so meekly docs he endure bis wrongs, 
that we are inclined to think at times tiiat, be must be the ghost of a murdered deaf-aTid-dumb 
miQ — or of some qu&ker, whose unhappy fame haa escaped the pen of the Newgate Calendar 
historian. 

But these are royatcriea which hang, like a shroud, round the portly frame of the Ghos(, and 
which we can no more tear aside than lift up the veil whether he is — 

" Doomnl for a mrtala time to valk tlio nlffbl ;'' 

though this can be no great hardship, as he never appears on the platform, and his walks have 
generally terminated before midnight. In this mighty particular, does UrciiAUnsoN's Ghott 
hold the advantage over the Sbakspearean and all other Uhosts in the world put tofietber — for, 
where.is Ihey only come out as the clock strikes twelve, he is iu bed at ttiat disreputable hour, 
or else sitting behind the scenes, enjoying his baked shoulder of mutton. 




There is another peculiarity about. Richardson's Oho$i which makes him bold hia bead 
ftbove every other kind of Giiost in his profession— iu fact, so high does he hold his head occa- 
sionally, that it not unfrcqucn'Jy goes out of sight altogctiier. A Ghost is naturally tall— a 



small Ghost of tbe aise of a ofaarity boy would 
make do impression whatever. The audience, 
instead of beLng awed, would only laugh, and cry 
" Bray-vo." The result of the Qkotfi height is, 
that the expression of his fine face is repeatedlr 
lost, a) it is hidden behind the " sky-borders" of 
the theatre, and, if the CIvwh, with his bismuth 
cheekp, were to come on as the Ohotty the au- 
dience would not be a whit the wiser for it. 

This parlial concealment, however, may help 
the imagination. A Ghost caunol be too mys- 
terious. Tbe effect of his sudden apparition would 
be completely lost if he were to parade outside 
the Show with the other characters, and join in 
the dances with UarhquiH and Coinmiiine. There 
is poetry eometimes m a mask, and grirf 1ooIe« 
all the better for a veiL Besides, it is oulv natural 
that a Ghost should bare a cloud upon his coun- 
tenance ! 

The Ghost is most honest in his means of in- 
spiring terror. No shriek behind aunounces his 
arrival. No "sulphurous flames " in tbe light of 
blue tire, torment the eyes and the nostrils of his 
awe-stricken beholders. Everj-tbing with him is 
fair and above-board. No aclor is freer from clap- 
trap. In fact, he does not even come up like most 
Ghosts, through a trap— for the stage is not deep 
rnoueh to allow of such a ghostly contrivance— 
but he quietly slides on from the side — strikes 
the attitude of a flying bat — and stands then so- 
lemnly^ like an astronomer, with his liead sweeping 
tbe skies. He trusts implicitly to his sheet — 
which may be called his theet-ancbor. 

Many an actor might take an improving lesson 
from RicnAiiDSON's Qhost. Did lie ever keep 
the stage wailmg? No! he knows it would be 
all up with the Gbos^, if he did. Did he ever throw 
up his " part? " Was he ever " suddenly indis- 
posed P " Was he ever the cause of '* damning " 
a piece P On the contrary, is it not well known, 
that when the Itisscs bare been CJwryiug every- 
thing before ihem, he has rushed on, and, by 
simply waving his sleeves in their faces, has 
inslan'ly pnt to flight all the geese ? He is the 
Author's Best. Friend and ^ dare say, many a 
manager of a larce theufre regrets he had not 
always kept, like UicnAUDsoK, a Ghost, for simi- 
lar hias-tnouio purpces. 

Then for work! He is on the s'age every 
quarter of an hour— alwava perfect to a letter, 
which, in his case, must be the letter T, for he 
has no sooner struck that elegant attitude, which 
for ages has stood for sign-posts and theatrical 
malediction, than cries of "Applcf, oranges, 
ginger-beer," proclaim the painful fact that the 
tragedy is over, and the comic song is about to 
commence. We are afraid there is no rest but 
the grave" for RicHAnnsoN's Qkost—vnA it is 
debateahie ground, whether even that will yield 
him any. 

What the Gkost mnv be in private life, we have 
,.„ -s of telling. We went down to Greenwich, 
ifter the fair, and a m-vi in the Park was 
i^ _ _ uut to us as Ricuaudson's Ghost. He 
was surrounded by two or three children, and 
ea'iivg his dinner under n tree, off a cloth which 
lookp4 very much like a large sheet. He was 
broad-shouldered, stout, and tall, and was eating 
very heartily for a Ghost. 

A lath of a man iu a chemist's shop was like- 
wise pointed out to us as the object ol our affec- 
tions. He had a tremendom bundle in a napkin 
in his hand, and was buying a box of " Life Pills." 
We could not, help exclaiming : " Alas ! poor 
Ghost ; " and the man turned round and scowled 
with savage paleness nl us. We suspect he is 
the real Ghost. We lelt Greenwich by the very 
next tr<an ! 



" HOW TI«N ! ANT OKE FOR COajKTH ? " 
lUiLWAYs have invaded Greece. Tbe old 
proverb is broken to pieces.— "A'wi lictt omnitu 
adu-f UnntAun," for there isaCorinlh omnibus 
that starts directly the train comes in. 



n 




PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 




THE PROSE R. 

JE88ATB AMD DISC0DB6EB BV DK. BOLOMON PACIFICO. 







I. ON A LADY IN AN OPERA-BOX. 

oiNO the otber Bi^ht 
to the ConiCn^Btoirc 
at Fan's, where there 
ms a ina{?Dificent aa- 
Bembloge of rank and 
fiisbion gatlicred to- 

f [ether to hear Die de- 
[ffiilful perfomiances 
of Madame Sontag. 
I ho friend who cou- 
ferred upon me the 
polite favour of & 
ticket lo the atalle, also 
pointed out to me mho 
were the most remark- 
able peraonaffea round 
about U8. lucre were 
ambassadors. politi- 
cians, and ffentlemeu, 
military and literary; 
there were beauties. 
French, Itusiian, and 
English : there wore 
old ladies who had 
been beauties once, 
and who, by the help 
of a little distance and 
Dolitenesa (and if you 
didn't use your opera-gia-"*, wh'ch is a cruel detector of paint and wrinkles), looked younff and 
handsome still: and a p'nnly of old bucks in the stalls and boxps, well winged, wfll glored, 
and hnlliantW waistcoated, very obsequious to the ladies, and satislied wilU Iheuiselves 
and the worM. 

" Up in the second tier of boxes I saw a very stout, jolly, good-humoured looking lady, 
whose head-dress and ringleta and general appurtenances were nnmistakeably English— ana 
whom, were you to meet her at Timbuctoo, or iu the seraglio of the Grand Sultan amoDgst a 
bevy of beauties collected from all Ihc countries of the earth, one would instantly know to be 
a British female. I do uot menu to Fay, that, were I the Padishah, L would selrct that moon- 
faced houri out of all the lovely society, and make her the Empress or Grand Signora of my 
dominions ; but simply that there U a characier about our countrywomen which Teads one to 
know, recognise, and admire, and wonder at lUtm among all women of all tongues and countries. 
We Imve our British Lion ; we have our Bbitannia ruling the waves; we have our British 
fenwilo.— iho most respectable, the mo^t reinarkahlr, of the women of this world. And now we 
Imvo come to the woman who gives the Bubjecl, though she is not herself the subjcc', of these 
present remarks. 

*' As i ioukt'd ut her wit.b that fond cnriosity and silent pleasure and wonder which she (1 
mean the great British Female) always inspires in my mind, watching her smiles, her ways and 
motions, her alluremeuts and attractive gestures — her head bobbing to this friend whom 
she recognised iu the stalls— her jolly fan hand wag?ins a welcome to that ficquaiatance 
in a neighbouring box— my friend and guide for the evening cauKht her eye. and made 
her a respectful bow. and said to mc with a look of much meaning, *Thut is Mas. 
Trottei^Walkeb-' And from that minute 1 forgot MaDaME Bontao, and thought only 
ofMaa.T.-W. 

'"So tlia*,' said I, 'is Mits. TROTrEiiWALKEn! You have touched a chord in my heart, 
You have brought back old limes lo my memory, and made me recal some of the griefs and 
di«ap|)'>iTilnirnts of my early dayn.* 

"'Hold your tongue, man !' says Tost, my friend, 'Litten ♦« the Somtao ; how divinely she 
is singing! how freah her voice is still I' 

" I Ijoked up at Mrs. Walkkk all the tirue with unabated interest. * Madam/ thought T, 
'you look to be as kind and good-nalured a person as cyca ever lighted upon. The way in 
which you are smiling to th'it young dandy with the double eye-glass, and the rmftrfssemtrnt 
wiih which he returns the salute, shows that your friends are persons of rank and elegance, 
and that you are esteemed by them — giving them, as I am sure from your kind appearance 
you do, good dinners and pleasAnt balls. But 1 wonder what you woultl think il you tucw that 
1 was looking at you? I behold you for the first lime: there are a hundred pretty young 
girU in the house, whom an amateur of mere beauty would examine with much greater 
aatisfao'ion than he would nattirally bestow upon a Udy whose prime is past ; and yet the siglit 
of you interests me, and tickles me so to speak, anti my eye-glass can't remove itself from 
the contemplation of your honest face.' 

" What, 19 it ihat interests me so? What do you tuppose interests a man the most in this 
life? Himself, to be sure. It is at himself he is looking through his opera-glass— himself 
who is concerned, or he would not be walcliiug you so keenly. Aiid now let me confess why 
it is that the lady in the upper box excites me ao^ and why I say, *That is Mrs. Tbottbh- 
Walker, is it ? ' with an air of such deep intereat. 

"Well, then. In theycareighteenhundredandthirtyodd.it happened that I wentio pa« the 
winter at Rome, as we will coil the ci'y. MAJOR-GKNEaii. and Mas. TROTTtiu-WAXKEa 
were also there; and until I heard of them there, I lud never heard that there were such 
people in existence as the tVaeral and the lady — the lady yonder with the large fan in the 
upper boxes. Urs. Walkbb, as became her station in life, took, I dare say, very comfortable 
'odglags, gave dinners and parties to her friends, and hod a night in the week for receptions. 
" Much OS I have travelled and lived abroad, theso eremng reuniotu have never greatly 



fuoinated me. Blan cannot live npon lemonade, 
wax candles, and weak tea. Gloves and white 
neckcloths cost money, and those plaguy shiny 
boots are always so tight and hot. Am I mads 
of mone^, that I can hire a coach to go to one of 
these mr4«M on a rainy Roman night ; or can I 
come in goloshea, ana take tliem off in the ante- 
chamber P 1 am too poor for c«bs, and too vain 
for goloshes. If it bad been to see the girl of 
my heart il luran at the time when there wrni 
((iris, and I bad a heart), 1 couldn't have gone 
in golotbes. Well, not being m love, and not 
liking weak tea and lemonaoo, 1 did not go to 
evening parties that rear at Koote; nor, of later 
years, at Paris, Vienna, Copenhagen, Islington, 
or wherever I may have been. 

" What, then, were my fecliufis when my dear 
and valued friend, Mrs. Coverladb (she is a 
daughter of that venerable peer, the Right 
Honourable the Loio) CouANDiNb), who was 
passing the winter too at Romp, said to me, * My 
dear Dr. pAcirico, wha^ have you done to 
offend Mrs. Tbotter-Walkir ? ' 

*'*I know no person of that name,' I said. 
' I knew Waijler of the Post OSioe, and poor 
Trotter who was a captain in our regimrnt, 
and died under my hands at the Baliamaa. But 
with the Trotter WAiKERa 1 haven't the 
honour of an acquainlance.' 

*' ' Well, it is not likely that you will have that 
honour,' Mhs. CovERtAi>E said. 'Mji5, Walker 
said la^t night that ^he did not wish to niake 
your acquaintance, and that she did not intend to 
receive you.' 

" ' I think she might have waifed until I asked 
her, Madam,' X 5aid. *AVhat have 1 done lo 
her ? I have never seen or heard of her : how 
should I want to get into her house? or attend 
at her Tucsda) s— confound her Tuesdays!' I 
am sorry Lo say 1 said. Confound Msa. Walker's 
Tuesdays, and the conver?a'iou look another 
turn, and it so happened that. 1 was colled nway 
from Rome suddenly, and never set eyes upon 
]ilRS. Walker, or indeed thought about licr 
from that day to this. 

" Strange endurance of human vanity ! a million 
of much more important conversations have 
escaped one since then, riiost likely — but the 
mcu)ory of this little mortification (for such it 
is, after all) remains quite fresh m the niiml, and 
unforgotten, thouE{b it is a frillc, and mnrcttion 
half a score of years old. We forgive injuries, 
we survive even our remorse for great wrongs 
that we ourselves commit; but 1 doubt if we 
ever forgive slights of this nature put upon na, 
or forget circunistanoes in which our aelMove 
had been luado to sufTer. 

" Ulhcrwisc, why should the reinembranoe of 
Mhs. Tkottkr- Walker have remained so lively 
in tbis hosODi? Why should her appearance 
have excited such a keen interest in these eyeaP 
llad Venus or Hllen (ihe tavoiirite beauty of 
Paris) been at the side of Mrs. T.-W., I should 
have looked at the latter more than at the Queen 
of Love herself. Had Mrs Walkeh murdered 
Mrs. Pacifico, or inflicted some mortal injury 
uron me. 1 might forgive her— but for slightP 
Never, Mrs. Trotter- Walker ; never, bjr 
Nemjisib, never! 

" And now, having allowed my p^^soDal wrath 
to explode, let us calmly nioralise for a minute 
or two upon this liiLle circumstance; for there 
is no circumstanc?, however little, that won't 
alTurd a text for a sermon. Why was it that 
Mrs. Gevt.ral Trotter- Walker refused to 
receive Da. S. Pacifico at her parties? She 
had noticed me proba^jly somewhore where I had 
not remarked her ; she did not like my aquiline 
countenance, my manner of taking snuff, my 
Blucher boots, or what not ; or she had seen me 
walking with my friend Jack Raggett, the 
painter, on the Pincio — a fellow wirh a hat and 
beard like a bandit, a shabbv palttol, and % 
great pipe between his teeth. I was not genteel 
euougu for her circle— 1 assanie that to be the 



4 



IMI 



ifarfM 



i 



152 



PUNCH, 



reason ; indeed, Miu. Cotbii].a7>k, with & good-nAtured Binilfl %t my 
oomL woicb 1 owu wu somewb&t ahKbby. gare me to underataod as 
mupn. 

"You Utile know, ni^ worthy iind lady, what a lois you bod thai 
season at Home, in turning up your amiable nose at tbe present writer. 
I could have Ki^rn you uppruptiula anecdotes (with wuicb niy mind 
is stored) of nil the couria of Europe, (besides of Africa, Asia, and Sf. 
Uomin(;o) wbioli 1 lure visited. 1 could bare made tbe General die of 
Uueiiinff after dinner with some of my funny stories, of which I keep a 
book, without which I never travel. I am content with my dinner: I 
can carve beautifully^ and make jokes upon almost any dish at table. 
I oan talk about wine, cookery, hotels all over tbe continent: — any- 
thing you will. I have been fAmilior with Cardinals, lied Republicans, 
Jesuits. German Friuces, and Carbonari ; and what is more, I can listen 
and bold my tongue to admiration. A.h, Madam ! wba*. did you lose 
in refiiaiug to make the acquaintance of Solomon PACirico, M. D. ! 

"And why? because my coat was a trifle threadbare} because 1 
dined at tbe Lepre, witb Raggett and some of thoie otber bandits of 
painters, and bad not tbe money to iiirc a coach and horses. 

*' Gentility is tbe death and destruction of soc'uki happiness amongst 
t)ie middle cbuses in England. It destroys naturalness (if I may coin 
tnch a word) and kindly sympathies. The object of life, as I take it, is 
to be friendly witb everybody. As a rule, and to a pbilosopbical cos- 
mopolife, every man ought to be welcome. I do not mean to your 
intimacy or affeclioD, but to your society; as there is, if we would 
or c uld but discover it, something notable, sometliiug worthy of 
observa'ion, of sympathy* of wonder and amusement in every fellow 
morlal. It I bad b-en Mu. PACirico, travelling with a courier 
and a carriage, would Mm. Waluik have made any objection to me P 
I think not. It was the Bhicber-booU and the worn hat, uid the 
homely companions of (ho individual which were unwelcome to this lady. 
If I had been tbe disguised Dukk ov Pacipico, and not a retired 
army-surgeon, wuuld she huve forgiven herself for slighting nie ? What 
stores of uovelfi, what foisou of plays, are composed upon this theme, — 
the (pieer uld cbaracler in tbe wig and cloak ibnjws off coa*. and spec- 
tacles, and appears suddculv with a star and crown, — a Hajiouh 
Aluascjud, or other Merry Monarch. And straightway wo clap our 
hand-* Jind applaud — what ? — the alar and garUr. 

'* I'jut disguised emperors are not common now-a-days. You don't 
turn away monarclis from your door, auy more tlian angels, unawares. 
Cousi Icr, though, huw manv a good lellow }ou may shut out and sneer 
upon ! what an immense deal of pleasure, frankness, kindness, good 
fellowship, we forego for the sake of our confounded f^eutility. and 
respect lor outward show! Instead of placing our society upon an 
honest footing, we make pur aim almost avowedly sordid. Lotd ia 
of necessity wuii^hed from your society when you measure all your 
guests by a mouey-s'audard. 

"I think of oil ibia— a harmless man— seeing a good-natured looking, 
jolly woman iu the boxes rooder, who thought herself once too ftreat a 
person to associ^ti! with the likes of me. If I give myself airs to my 
neighbour, may I Miiuk of this too, and bs a little more humble ! And 
you, lioneiit friend, who read this— have you ever poobpo'»bcd a man 
ai good rt3 you ? If you fall into tbe society of people whom you are 
pleased to call your inferiors, did you ever sneer? If so, change I iuto 
U, and the fable is narraUd for your own beucflt, by your obedient 
Be^vaa^ 

"Solomon Paciwco.'* 



•GRAND EQUESTRIAN F.ULUKB. 

Tub Evperob op Moeocco has just sent, aa a present to Hxb 
Majestt, nine Arabian horses, which, it is said, are such very poor diminu- 
live-looking ciTHiurrs. tlmt every respfclable dray-horse turned up his 
nose at the cavidcade as it proceeded to the Polaoe. We cannot lay much 
for thp brreiling of the animals that so mi-tbehavcd themselves towards 
tho little str^imnra, but it must be acknowledged that the real Arabians 
are not to be comnarrd »ilh even the humblest hack of British birth 
that ever plunged in a cab, or kicked np "behind and before'* in a 
dust-caH. Wc should frar that Hen Majesty would be much dii- 
appointed at ilie ri t ; an I 'hough a gift hurse may not be looked in the 
mouth, it is probable that ' he Sovereign may soon wish the unprofitable 

Jiresent absent. When Pbikce Albert saw the stud of Arabian 
allures, he must have mentally beirun to whistle to himself, "Oh, give 
lite Unythin^t hut m/ Arab steed ; and it would not have been sur- 
prising liad " GAltonug Dreary Dun'' burst involuntarily from the lips 
of au attendant stable-boy. It is raid that the accoutrements were as 
large again as the horses themselves, and they seemed to be smothered 
in saddle, as if Ibey would not go without a grea*. deal of leathering. 



TH2 XlteUSH AND SPAMISn, 

^ It is gratifying to think that we have renewed our diplomatic rela- 
tions witb Spam. May these Spanish bonds never be (usaolved, and 
may all others be honburiibly liquidated ! 





Among the newspaper wonders, upon which the penny-a-liners some- 
times ameliorate their condition by obtaining an extra meal, we hare 
lately noticed a fivepenny phonomenon — ^just four Hues and a half ia 
length — under the ttUe of a black rainbow. This remarkoble triumph 
of nature over tbe ordinary rules of me'eorology has been seen by aa 
American newspaper's "own correspondent," who has probably not 
heen paritcular to a shade in the view he has taken of the marvel be 
has psuragraplted. We suspect the rainbow is not ao black as it baa 
been painted, though we confess that we have observed in our ova 
pulitical atmosphere au appearance almost equally di&couraging,namrlf, 
that of the rainbow of taxation which spreads entirely across the bkj 
from one horizon lo tbe othrr. The affair looks rather black, but we 
are not without hope ihat the prospect will sooa brighten. 



HOW TO SHUT A CIlAI^TEIl BOX- 
ScETfB. — TJie iintide of a First Class Railwaff Carria^. 

Talkatice lio-e (io Fet.low Passekgek, ffntting out as ih Troim ito/n). 
Good morniug to you, Sir. 

FeUota Frtsaenfftr. Sir, I wish you a good day. {Aside.) Chattering 
fool ! Confound the fellow 1^1 think he could talk a dog's bind leff^ 

Talkatxot Borrt {lurn'iHO to OeMttemaM iiU(Kiomihep*ni»al^**Fmtek ) 
Wonderful inventions Knilroads, Sir? 

Reader of Punch. Oh! Latard's— V«ry I 

TuUcaiive Bore {raiiitg Ait voice). Steam, Sir, I say, — stupendoui 
power ! 

Rea^Ur (f Punrh. Well; I don't know. They say, SiR Robebt Pbrl. 

Titikatios Bore {louder siili). Rapidity of intcrcommunicatioo. Sir — 
destined lo revolutionise Socie'v. 

Reader of Punch. Ob ! shocking doctrines. Desperate set. Can't 
think wiat Lnuis-NApoLKON will do with them. 

Talkative Bore. Dear me ! tbe man's as deaf as a post. {Oieeskim up.) 
Very seasonable weather, Ma'am. 

[Proceeds to injlict kmxelfon iOmeSodg Mm. 

Readtr of Puttek {meJiiaUp), Come — I think 1 've got rid of |kw, my 
friend. 

[Returns to kit " PuHck," $iruQQliKg tcith suppressed taugMtr^- 
oecasiomed, of course, i^ a joke in that periodical. 



newspapera 



Parliamentary Natural Philosophy. 

Condensation op VAroua lakes place when the 
epiloniisc Mr. Disiubli's speeches. 

£vAj^aATiON occurs (among Uonourable Members) whenever M&. 
CHiauntM Amstrt rises to speak. 

Ktolotiom or Hxat is invariably occasioned when anybody comet 
into collision with IjOrd BRorouAM. 



PBOULEU POB FEMAL LEGISLATORS. 

Q. WuT do convicts vary more in sfature than any other descriptloa 



of persons f 
A, BecAuae they are of all 'aiEes. 



(Idiot !) 



i 



l^<^Ri 



11 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



153 



A GKEAT MOKAL LESSON. 

Thokas Sutton, denominated "au lioneat and bard-TOrking fellow " 
until Kdph, ibe murdrrer, «aa convicted, becuiie a thief out of iDteDB« 
curiosity to see the murderer hanged. A great infttuncej this, of the 
beDpfit of example ! Sutton stole two sovereigns, snd went rejoicioit 
OQ bii way to Norwich : there he witmssed the show ; and ihenci*, 
returned 10 London. His morbid hunger sated, his old honesty re 
asserted itself, and remorse ltd hiin (o sell-accusation; be was sutii- 
manly punisiied. Since then, the thief 's band has again been at work, 
and a fortnight ago he was committed, from Lambeth Offioe, for trial, 
again ooufessing his crime ; he had stolen four raws from a marine 
store; and bai now every chance of becoming permanently enrolled 
among her M^ety's convioLS. 

RoOinton Crti$o« has made many a uilor, wlleiofr the boy from the fire- 
eide to the sea. The especial pains taken by a miserable portion of the 
press to *'make the most of a niurder/* c&nuoi hut have &n influence on 
the dormant ambition of the criimnaj. Art, too. has its fatal blandish- 
ments. Macauk TvasiUD offers Scoundrers Corner, with an immor- 
tality in wax. Every day she calls from the columns of the newspapers 
with a voice of silver (exactly eightecn-pence, " Horrors " included)— 
calls to a thoughtful generation to consider and lay well to benrt the 
notoriety, that is the vulgir stimulant of nuserable natures. 1^'hat the 
statue ot^ Nelson is to the tailor, the Murderer in Wax is to the 
unblown scoundrel. Did not Fbedeiiick. Mannino, whofe nsme, 
like morning dew, ever brightens the morning newspapers. — did 
not be, in tbe fireside confidence with his student lodger, dally with 
A forbidden pleasure, when be spoke of KcsH» as tbe prime beauty 
of the Chamber of Horrors P 

What beneHciaily we may owe to tbe imitative bronze of defunct 
heroes, it is hard to guess; what,/w eouira, 'o felonious wax, even 
Mapake T. herself— (should Joseph Hume move for a return)— it i* 



tio less difTicult to calculate. Of one point, however, we lire nure: the 
Home Minister owes Madaue T.'s * Chantbfr" greater attention 
ii bestowed even upon puiny I heal res by the Home police. 



Iban 



CAKELESS JOHN. THE STATE CX)ACHMAN. 

On ! Pray, my Lord Jouv, take care bow you go on, 
For Parliament isn't at play with you ; 

Mind well how you drive, for, as you are alive, 
Your horses are running away with you. 

In one week twice bea^ you another defeat 

Escape by the barest mnjority, 
Because, it would seem, you don't govern your team 

Wiih proper control and authority. 

Why Babpn'O, alaa! did you let, \uilh Ddndar, 
And Bekkelet, tbe claims, so ungraciously, 

Of the naval Asiist-ant-Surgeons resist, 
Unliandsomely. oieauly. meudsciously ? 

The Crown lawyers, pray, why allow in the way 
Of tbe County Courts Bill to stand booUessIy P 

For you were floored (Ut both in this case and th»t, 
Incurring much odium quite fruilessly. 

Why sanction tbe fight for the lax upon light, 
Where Wood, of Ueal-h's Board contraaicforr, 

Was morally sinash'd, and. in fact, all but thrash'd. 
With bis petty numerical victory? 

Look after your steeds, for be spilt you must needs, 
Unless you are much more particular, 

With Phaeton's fate from the chariot of s'ate 
Hurl'd beels over head perpendicular. 



Strongholds of Filth and PoatUence. 

A Ma. W. 8. Hale, the other day at the City Court of Sewers, is 
Tcported to have remarked that — 

** Us tboogbt tbe pomn of Inr&dintr « mkn'9 houM In swih a mtnner m to pnTcnt 
tt ftran being eoy 1onff«r c«lli>d his eaflU«, li«d been somewhat Ubenlty bestowed apnii 
Ibe CcraimhttioDers of dcwen." 

The kind of caiile of which Mn. Hai.e appears to be the champion 
might, if fortified, present an illu<iiraliun of tue saying, "A forty-eight 
pounder at the door of a pig-sty." 



DOING TimrCS BT HALVES. 



Thb town of Belfast seems to be going very fast indeed, for its popu- 
lation hfts increased, pince 1S31. from something over flfty to above one 
hundred thousand. With such a result aa this, snowing an augmentation 
of cent, per cent., we think the name of Belfast should, in referenoe to 
its population, be exchanged for that of Doublin'. 



OUR CHIROPODIST. 

It is not to be supposed that to great a personaga aa FuntA could alto- 
get her escape such an evil as corns, by which— if we are to believe the 
c»mcutter&— all the personages of the best standing in society are 
visited. Stateame:% politicians, nobles, lawyers, and divines, are — 
according to Ibe auvcrtisements — so many martyrs to tboic homy 
excrfflCrnces, which rrnder them literally as wril a« figuratively aniious 
fo avoid having Iheir toes trodden on. Though Punch never sus- 
pected himself to be acorn-grower on an expensive scale,— for ho has 
never known the shoe to ^iuch him under any circums^ancps,— he still 
imagined that, from his illustrious position, he could not be exempt 
from a malady appsrently so peculiar to the most distinguiAhcd i:idi. 
viduals. He therefore sent for his Chiropodist, who produced an article 
worthy to form a supplement I0 the last edition ol EifQimt Erlra'-tt. 
Vunrh was a good deal surprised at Ibe pnxluoe, for, had lie bern 
cultiTftling his oi^ni com, wi'n all the usual high farming operation*. 
ii.cludiiig tlie liarrowin? proocfs of tight boot?, be could not have yielded 
a laiger harvettt to the (.'orn-cutler. 




"OVft CmROPODlST" SXTKACTIKO A «1(0T fBOM Bfl. P0^CB'a TOOT. 



HOMCEOPAllUC STUFFING. 

Two distinct Iioiri(ropathic hospital dinners were reported last week 
in the Morning Voxt i f^one day. Unfortunately, the Post omitted to 
publish Iheir respective bills of fare. It might oe supposed that at a 
uomccopalhic banquet real turtle woidd be served by teaspoonfuls 
instead of tureens. A ringle whitebait would, one imagines, suffice 
the largest company for fish. Venison, we conceive, would be brought 
to table by the small slice, and carved by the fibre. Our notion of a 
bomceopalhic pudding is that of a globule. Chemistry informs us that 
all meat contains infinitesimal ouanti'iesof various substances — sulphur, 
pbospiioru*, (frc , — which are of a medicinal nature. The red panicles 
in itravy include so many honcsopathic doses of iron. What a deal of 
medicine, then, must be taken at every meal, and how qualmish we all 
ought to feel after it, if there is ftuy virtue in bonoeopathic doses! 
Perhaps we (In, and don't know it. Perhaps Loau R. GKO^VEKOl^ at 
one of the aViove- mentioned banquet 5. and tbe Eajil or Essex at the ot her. 
and the various lords and gentlemen over whom they presided, regaled 
themselves on ntilliouths of moutlifuls, and drank toasts in hillionths of 
drops. One thing, however, they did not do. They did not subscribe 
infinitesiuiallv. The total amount of subscriptions announced at one 
dinner was £1 000 ; at the other £800. This liberality is doubtless very 
creditable to the hearts of i^a authors, but can hardly be said to do equal 
honour to their superior Bto^ie^ in which, if they were not occupied by 
delusions, it is prooable that there would be lodgings to let. The best 
ihat can be said of these votariet— or victinris — of honiceopathy, is that 
they have shown great alacrity ia pariing with their money. 



Cabinbt Work avd Wages.— W« anticipate that one re«>mmeu- 
dation made by the Committee on Public Salaries will be, that Ministers 
should in fu'ure be paid, not quarterly, but by the piece, or at so much 
per measure, of legislation. Colonel Sibthoup will probably luggesl 
that the W bigs would be well off if the were paid by * he job. 




I 



OUR "USED UP" MAN HAS A FEW "USED UP" FRIKNDS TO BREAKFAST; AH-ER WHICH THEY DERIVE 
A LIT'lliE REAL ENJOYMENT FROM A DRAMATIC ENTERTAINMENT. 



I 



NAVAL INTELLIGENCE. 

(From Punek't own OorrttfCttJfnL) 

Ou£ read-r^, flmd the service ^euenJIy, nUl l«am with much reg:rel 
that & very proniisiiijf young officer, C— l— s N— i'— b, hiiS undergone 
tlieoenture of bis captain, L — u J — N K — U-, of iht VovHtMp, Wxrte- 
dtctcr, »nd commaaaer of the Channel Fleet. The young gentleman 
was very rouglily questioned in llic qiiarter-deck. 

L—ti J~n, " So, Sir, you Ve been writing to the Tinted? '* 

C-l—s A'-p-r. *' Ye*, my Lord." 

L—4 J—n " Yoit complain of Hta Majustt's beef— of Hkb Ma- 
JEfcTT'a biiouit— of Ukr Majusty's pea-soup, and— I undersiand— fur 1 
iiavc not read th'eso ureciuua letters, that you complain of rbe Com- 
Diuniler of theCbannelFleet— in a word, youoooiplaiu of meF Is this 
discipline, Sir?— 1 ask i^ in this discipline P" 

C—i—i ^'—p—r. " My Lord, it is in bis'ory ihat Auhiiu^l Blakb 
wr*ite to the Times, denouncing the pork of the Conimonwenllh— that 
Dkakh cnrreaponded with the same journal^ on the weevil in Qukek 
Eiir-AKFTn'R biBcuil — and that the immortal Neuwn himself, in a letter 
to the TimfK on ihe pea-¥Oup of Geokge the Tiiiild" — 

l—d J—H. "Don't talk to me. Sir: you're a smart young fellow 
enough, and I reooUeot your srrvicea, when, in the jolly-boat, you cut 
out tbe Pilau^ Egxptian OS ; nevertb<-le8s, discipline must be respecled, 
Yflu will go to the mast head, Sir; and take with you the TVWiand the 
Supphmeni ; gcttiug by heart all the ' Want riaces' <as jou'il want for 
a long linir, I can tell you), before you come down again. Up with 
jou. Sir." 

C i i N—p — r [climbs ike wain shroudt, with " Titnes*' and ** Sup- 
plement** finder hit arm). " Boatswain, pipe all haoda to *boat ship, aud 
ahake a reel out of the best bower.'* 

BotiUtcAin. " Aye, aye. Sir." 

[£ri^ Commamder </ Channel Fleet into cabin. 



EXTRAORDINARY RUNNING MATCH. 

It is not often that our old friend, Ma. Dumdp, enters the sporting 
worlds but he wtLS a few days ago one of the principals inamatcti of a 
vrry <'xciting rharncVr. The conleat was between Mit. DtiNur and 
Hauncy Aauun, an otUcer attacbed to the department of the sberiiTof 
Middlesex. 

The whole alTttir was got up almost impromptu, and consisted of a 
running-match from the corner of Chancery Tjine to the other side of 
the river Thames, the bridge selected beins otj'ional. Bahnbt Aabon 
made his appearance suddenly, which Mn. IJunup look as the signal 
for sterling, as there hnd fdready been a ma'cli of a similar kind 
between the parties, in which the latter had come ofF vicLorious; and 
he knew the former was desirous of trying another experiment. 
Babket carried weight, consisting of n stick and a small slip of parch- 
ment; hut; DuMUT was burdened with nothing but an empty purse; 
and ic Jtad bei-n whisncred in many guartrrs that he would be found to 
want mrtal. Hn had no sooner caught, sight of his aniagouisi, than he 
cut off at a rapid rate, Barket following closely at his lieels, as far as 
the comer of Essex Strcc', when Uunnp sceniea about to give in, for 
he turned sharp round (in coostnuenoe, as we have been since iuformed, 
of the want of metal to go over Waterloo Bridge), where Ihe halfpeiinf 
toll would have brought, him to a staDd-stilt. His opponent Deing 
evidently taken aback by this sndden move, Dunup atHried off again 
at a tcrri6c ral^, and making nil the running through the iatricate 
turnings of WhitcfriarB, he went away at a slapping pace, past the 
glass-works, took a diversion through a broker's sligp, by whicli he cut 
off a comer, and having gaiuefl several yards on bis opponent, won 
cleverly by the length of a writ, which, though it was made to run 
pretty fut into Middlesex, could not run into Surrey. 



AaisTOCRATic EcoKOUT.— We understand that several noble fami- 
lies, finding their incouies reduced, have curtailed the number of pair* 
of breeohea usually iauued to their flunkeys, and thus calculate on 
saving by the end of the year a conaiderable over-plash. 



4 

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



157 



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ADMIBALTY v. ASSIST ANT-SURGEONS. 

tb COLOITEL StBTHOBP. 

KAB CoLOKEts— Lit me 
oonsratulHle ^ou od 
your recent displa/ of 
iDdiscretion. I use (be 
term merely in a Minia- 
terjal lenae. " ladu- 
cretion," according to 
the Cabiuet dictiooary, 
is interference with tne 
Admiralty. Admibal 
NArieu WAS, in tbe firat 
place, »o "indiscreet" 
aa to disclose the eco- 
nomy, ahilitr. method, 
and practical efQcienoy 
for wliioh that buiiness- 
hke department of the 
GoTcraiiient ia nov 
celebrated. Too. most 
appropriate) r, followed 
up his revelaiions with 
a niotion for the reduc- 
tion of Uie number of the Lords of the Admiralty, and for a diminution of their salaries. 

Your motion, my dear Colonel, though it faded, I (fricve to say, was admirably timed. 
Curiously enough, the Admiralty had just be^n exhibiting itself in a peculiarly amiable 
liubt, by resisting Captain Boldero's proposition for the better accommodation of NaTal 
Assistant-Surgeons. You felt this. Colonel. 1 know. Y'ou are not the man U> pooh-pooh the 
claims of these gentlemen, and of their profession. You can understand the importance 
of a class on whose skill may depend the prcserration of a limb. The Admiralty Lords cannot 
— and they have not a Ifg to atand upon. 

I now address yoti, Colont.l SretnoBP, as an oflBcer and a gentleman. As such, what think 
you of the «cus?3 made by persons— supposed to be also officers and gentlemen— for 
restriotinfp adult members of a liberal profession, ranking as lieutenants, to the berth of 
sea-schoolboys f 

Admirai. DtTNDAa, unless the reports belie him, opposed Captain Boldbro'8 molion, 
on the ground that the ward-room was not large enough to admit the Assistant -Surgeons. 
Colonel Sibthobf, I have to ask you a painful question ; was the plea of this honourable 
member and gallant Admiral trtjz ? Here is the answer I get from Mr. IltrME : — 

nplf , OD the groand cf want of room : bat thrM 




" Sm O, ComsLTur, eight « ton years a^ gave tb« 
jfflMn tloe« that tlmo bad been aildad to Iht wanl-roon.** 

May I charitably hope that Adviral Dthtdas— say from inexperience — was merely 
mutaken as to tbe capabilities of the ward-room ? We shall see perhaps. Captain Berkelet. 
standing together inliis chivalry with the Admiral against the poor Assistant-Surgeons, obiected 
likewise to their demands the want of room. But Caftain Bzrrxlet has been foully mis- 
represented by the newspapers, or he argued that 

" It wonUl Im th« gresteit bl'iw to tluj diadpUna of tb« aervloe, If, utwn lb«ir fint tfibsrillf, Uw AasUtant- 
SargoooA were allowed bQ mcaa with the hl$b«r dasi of otBoen." 

To which does Captain Berkelet object, on the part of "the higher class of officers/*— the 
Assistant-Surgeons' room, or their comfiany r 

The following was our candid Captain's reply to a comptaint which related to the porUh 
merely of the midshipmen : — 

" Wall, rappoae that they were leboanMyii, ibej had tbiAr adacatloa moet probably at Rogby, Btmi, Hamv, or 
Mbsr of oar pabHo acbocds ; tbey wm poaHased of gentlmnon'M fte«tli](i, and be ahoald like to know at what aoboot 
Um AMlatant-SurgaouiranbraaKbtiip thai could make tliem one jot Raparlor to tho mldahlpmeQ. Ho dentad that 
tb«7 ware ao, and, aa the oooparlsoa bad been made, bo woald boldly maintatn, that, if thm wai any gain, aa Ikr 
aa aaaoolatloii waa concenud, It waa on Iha side of the AuUtaoVSargeona," 

He would boldlv maintain 1 Very boldly, in faith. I hope« my Colonel, that ^onr bold Captain 

Sglits as boldly aa he argues. Who disparaged the midshipmen's birth and breedmg.as he impliesf 

One more instance of thu gallant gentleman's bravery of assertion. Of the attempt to 

Sromote the Assistant- Surgeons to the ward-room, he pronounces, with a courage worlhy of 
luNCHArsEN, that 

*' It ^u contrary to tbofr tntoDMt, and ha beUered, ffoerany (peaking, tn their dealre alio, that tbey a.hm\d 
be BO placfd." 

Oh ! my dear Colonel Sibthort, it makes me ill ; it gives me a feeling of unspeakable 
nausea, to imagine that this reckless language can have been uttered by "officers and 
gentJemen.'* 

I pass over Sir F. Baring's speech on this subject — the mere stereotyped humbug, 
as Tou know, of office. 

One word more, my Colonel. In the very Tinui which records the above disgraceful sayings, 
I observe, touching matters now onder the Admiralty's consideration, the announcement that 

" It ii Raid that cpaalett«i ara to b« altojfetber abollahad ; and ft la a queetton wlwther the antlqnatm! cnrked 
bat will b« mlalnud Air niw^ nn luanl ohlp." 

Don't you think, Colonel, that the AdmimUy had better confiDe their attention to cocked 
ha's and epauleties, and leave alone ship<biiilding, on art ia which they have no' shone, and 
in which they are not eipert enough to provide aocoramodation for the Assistant-Surgeons? 
I think you will atree with me that they had, as I nhall wilh you, tbat they ought to have 
proportionate salaries. 

Yoors, my dear Colonel, at the verr least, till Dissolution, 



KIRK AND BAILWAY CARRIAGES. 

To the Kzv. Dr. CANTLisn end tit 
Kev. Mjl. Drdiuiond. 

[At a late meeting of the Shareholders of the 
Caledonian Kailway an attempt was made t^ 
stop all Sunday travelling on that line. The 
Sfotntait, in a paragraph headed "The Oppo- 
nents of Sabbath Breaking in Scotland," rrckons 
up the number of corriagea lately oh'-ervcd on a 
Sunday standing at the doora of tue above-named 
reverend gentlemen, and before the principal 
churches.— rirftf " Sramimer" March 30.] 

Candlisu and Druickond, lend 's an ear 
There 's juat a question I wad apeer 
Aneat a point 1 *m nae that clear, 

The noo, concemin'; 
And wad its explicaticn hear 

Frae men o' leomin'. 

The tither day, ye '11 no forget, 
The Caledonian holders met; 
Of unco* godly cliieU a set, 

Araang 'em blelhrin', 
'Gainst Sunday trains, wi' zeal red-bel, 

Barangu'd their brethren. 

Ane, gifted wi' prophetic si^ht, 
Wi' Heaven's decrees familiar quite, 
The famine and potato -blight. 

That thraw'd the nation. 
Imputed to the Sabbath's slight 

An' desecration. 

Drukmond and Candlisil noo, tak' heed. 
The Scotsman neist i chaac d to read ; 
What thence I quote, I hope, indeed, 

Is nought bat error. 
Or else 'twsd gar me shak' wi* dread. 

An' quak* wi' terror. 

The Sunday mom before the last. 
Your gates his correspondent pass'd, 
Where carriages— I stand aghast 

The toTe relatin' ; 
Nae doo^ his pen has ria too fast — 

Were there a-waitin' : 

Forbye a line at ilka kirk, 
Unless he tell a fausehood mirk — 
Hcch ! Sim, but a' this Sunday work 

Is verraawfu*; 
Without evasion, sbitt, or quirk. 

Say, is it lawfu' P 

Gin trains on railways manna tin. 
And engineers and stokers sin, 
Doin', the Sabbath's bounds within, 

A bit of workie, 
May chariot-wbeels o' gentles spin 

Unblamed to kirkie? 

Eh ! gin frae Sunday trains were got 
The famine and the tatie ro% 
I just wad ask what ills may not 

Your congregation, 
Candusii or Drummohp, bring on Soot- 

-lond'a wretched nation P 



Street Luxury. 

We have had pine-apples hawked about in 
wheelbarrows — we have seen goffres sold at the 
comers of the streets like hot potatoes — and 
last Sunday we witnessed in Hungerford Market 
the epicurean sight of iV^i U\ng told at a pMflf 
a-pifcel U'eknotvlbat tiabits of luxuriou*aeat 
led to the downfall of Home, and when wo refleot 
that the ice, whicti generally fetched a shilling, 
and never brings in less than sixpence, ia being 
cold for the price of a common bun, we cannot 
lielp irenibling — it may be Wfakucss, but we 
cannot help it— for the safety of ihe British 
Empire. 



N0.4&8*- 



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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 




AtDE TOL 

T^z Iri&b DevBpApers state that the 
celebrated lii^nUur Adt, who has 
devotnl kiiuHcLf to letteri with greater 
a»siiiui>7 tban &u> niau of his time, has 
juHt, comriv^DCed operhdone on tbe Id- 
imbi^aaU ofLimerick. U^e underttaod 
ha has taken quUe a fresh 5 art, and is 
iLs vigoroni an if be were juat nov in 
tbe JosKPH Har-DAT of bn existence. 
We frar that there are oot many per- 
aaua who i^Eire been cDrkhed fa^ the 
^^s,^. diaet7fer»3 of Uiis individual, 
fltid it would hebptierfor everyone 
recebin^ a eommunicati^jn from him 
to cKensli nO hope of ^ain, but to 
persGTere, quit-e irrespecUve of Adt, in 
Qta own uq-AdtM efforta. 



CmiUiet<rr. " kiL bight, Jm. Pcun ai-qho 1 

Ofd Lady. *^liss.s, &ior I ConDUCToa i I w^m't tjlke CHJUtoK pok 

?JUtCE— THAT I WOW't ! 11*;*K, PO-LICS 1 COftUlTCTOB J " &C. 



I Ve bk&t^p tub old Gal out this tiii&" 



The EATtli bath Bubbles. 

TiiEiL£ are re^rts r.hat gold is, after 
al), not ao plenliful aa it, was eipecfed 
fr> b<: a' California. The diygera are 
fuming' crusu at the prrcions metal 
rormiDg tuRrfly a cnist over the soil, 
■nd ill-natured rntiarka are bfting made 
upon Niitiift, for Imrmpr condescended 
to nse the electrotype process, instead 
of mtLking the ground on? solid raaas 
of the prtcioiLS metals. We hear that 
hoBpi^dity abounda in California, and 
that, wLenerer a strapger presents 
himself, the host, putting a ptok-aie 
into his vieitor's Land, reqaests him 
to sit doxva and pick a bit. 



SCENES FEOM THE LIFE OF AN UNPEOTBCTED FEMALE. 

SHE MARRIES THE INEViTABLE ONE. 



% and tAe Trottehs* oion canisgc, and ft hack cab drive np. Tie 
SMITHEELs'e ^V-mnn is in a large fnvonr, attfi (t stale rfpariutl iuiox- 
katUn. T/m T R0T1BR3* tcftchian iHaks Javmrs /otr ; but h'n uho 
Uen firinkin^ iha *mUh o/^A^ *''fip* tofp'e b^ iDtticiputioH. Thi Uy^ 
PHOTECTBD M in Us TfiOTTERip' ^wfl earnaff!, m(h htr estfxiH 
TiwjTTER, le^o M io giiK her aicay, and iioo of the brid^smui^i^ M I3S 
Suais Trottkh, aM th^ y^UHgttt Misa f Annb) SwiTHBas, a perttM 
of msfutg yiarg, Old Sjhthers, and Mias SAaAiJ, ath4 Miss 
Smituess, oTfli/ Miss GUKSTQNt irre \^ry tipht in thf fiif. Jack 
SinTH £0:5 US f H ihfi enA. He M ttf>(Aitiff ia pftrttjruhr ift thi eirfm&f*^, 
but, bfi^Qf a ihety tunt, nndfond of going ia ffs^ecttiiom^ has ittiuUd 
OH Kcinq Mifla SrauGSLEa '^ turmd off" an he permatt in f^niiing it, 
is the ditgtiit fj hU iuti?rs. {N^^H, For oiHtimei see Ad^fHiseairni) 
TAepArifi heu oiiffhted vUh mmderatl^fracaSf jmt as the tTitdnesday 
morning co^greffalion tomt out. 

Oid Bmiihcri^ Just in time. Nov, Mi^a STRtiGOLKa 

[Ofefing his arm gailanttji. 

Oolite PetB-Opener {»Hh pretU iniereii), 'Ere, Marm — this way, 

Unprotici^d Peviale. Ob, rrAcioos !— heroS the c^DgregJifif>n. Oh— 
how very aonoying ! {Sh* fe&h tk^ it remarked^ and is mich hitri.) Ob 
^f wp ^d onlv wait«^d a quarter of an bottr Ioniser. iS vemt itt^'mUrs qf 
iJk-* co/tgrrffotioit, vh appear o/dejmU^y aid dhin^ftged Aabtls, linger vn 
tk« iteps, and ttceotKpanfi the party info Church,) Oh— 1 aafd w^'d be m 
quar-pr \ no BOon, [Sckke rha^gea to itttrriar ^ ChurcK 

Jack Sntiiketi f/o Miaa Ans'e, K-M^iflf). Sbe ain't resigned* They 
always want a qimrfflr of itu hour, 

Miu JMtte Uevffr^tfi], !)on*t W ah-iunj, JoHN, It. 'a unl'ceJiriif. 

Peli^ PeiO'Opewr, Mm. Wapshot 'a in tbe Westry— and the 11ev> 
SviTHEna 

Otd Smithert {lo^tinff ffi hi4 tpatck}. Ab— we're toonrtim\ I suppose 
we ^ball find llle^l in 'he V^s^ry, 

U/fprQt$c4«d Ftmak {dinging V4rp Hffh/ to Olo SitiTDBHa>, Oli— I 

hope ^0. [Feetir^ tkui JoKis u alittded io. 

[The Cleok appart Aewnng ntttnd tht Feit/y door, and hekoxt ih 

por(f rrp. 

P !iU Fete-O^Me/- {keeping up a ramning c<mme/U at /A^ proceed 
to ike Fettty), This 'ere*a the way ^o the Westry, Sir- There's 
Mb, Tkemlbtt, tlio clerk, Marm. Oh— bless herl—she'e all of a 
tjrmimcL Oh— the dear oretur t {Otrtae^ifig in a vagm icttg to ike btides- 



mmdi, sfid the partf gttteraUyJ) Oh — my dtars, wich may it soon be 
your timis, »omf* on you. Aii^T dessay, 

Utfproierted Fnfmaie {half in eotiioquy, h/i If to fffif!n>d^ aoAo Ukes to anttoer 
Aer}. Oh — shouldn't he be fti the anle, or Hie attar, or eooiewhere P Oh 
— Mr. SMiTiraita, 1 ff-el such a siuking. 

OidSmUk^r {itouti^K Po ah, pooh— it'll soon ba over, {Jside to kit 
iec&nd.) Sft|t« ready, SAttr. 

Fotil* PeisOpener, Is it anythin' I could g^t the dear lady 't 

Jtn:k Smithfrs {to Anh£). She 'a dmnk. iAUuding to PewOpenee. 

Afwj Anie \mu^h ditjmted). Jomf^ how can youF 

Mr. Tremkft 'ia hit aoft and subdued ujtderta/cer'sffUmner). Thl* way, if 
you please, TAit way, Ma'am. {At on^e picking out tho victint. Fisrcefy, 
aAdm jSif otAgrttoire to Polite Pkw^Oj^enbr.I Be off with you 
[l^OUTE Fbw-Openeh tftiret, and indnlgee in agnth of 
swearing outside. 

Unproteeled Femah (eefU "w*" her lu^i niom^'nf). Oil — ^rE-crous me ! 
[Scene ckangrs tc Fettry. The Rev. Grimes Wapstiot itintr^ 
dated by the Hev. SuiTHRfta, who it " to atsiH " him, ike Hbv. 
&. being a remote cov^in <^tfa Unpeotectjed Fbmaue, 

Old ^mihtrs {mttcov^^rtaUti). Where's JowEs, 1 wonder P Eleven 
waB the linfie, and he's geuerally piiac':uAL 

The Ree. Smiihert {vho it qf a ^orid and peticat turm of wtimd). 
" Lovp*s herald ahauld liave wings/* 

Jiirk Smii^t {tehi> icoki Oft the ILev. SKiTEfiflu at a mt^f), JONSS'II 
have a llanaom. 

^fiti Anne 're'n&ntfreti^ij/). Now, JouN. 

Uttproifcied Female. Oh, then he ian't bfl''f. Iwas sure he wasn't. 
Ofide^ir, ilifre'saomtthim? drpadriil. [To Mjsa SjiRah SuiTMEBa,»A0. 
bet'ny her egvai in age, it her eot^dHte.) Oh, SauLI, you know I said 
it was too niiich. 

[S/ie tinki ijUo a chairt aind u taken pouessiOH qf and dealt with hjf 
the hdiet. 

Old Siiifkerf, Ther'^'fl a tab ! 

The Rev. Qrimet WnpuhoL Ah—we're ootutantly disturbed with 
theni. I wisht'd to have tbe wooi^paVement laid down, but the Vestry 
ubjec^ed fn the eipense. 

The ife^. StKithers (fiervoMtif^ Hftd Otide U the ReV. Gbuces WaP- 
SfiOT). It's letting nij. 

The Eeo. &rimet Wi^Moi Hm th jSSmI t<m). I 'to a burial at twelve. 

Old Smtkart {to Rev. Suithbha). 1 say, they must he marri^ beforo 
twelve, mmtn't theyP 



L 



TV R^v. Sailhert. Th»k ** the c»iioivio»l how. ■ 

Jtutt Svnthera {xhoJiiuU U dtlf). then tliere 'a the oh&scft oi a repTiere 
if JoNKS lion't cnmf up t,o tini**. 

ffifnda and eomfbftsfs). Ob — now— don't talk to m« so; it i6n't the 
cldck«. Ifc's 80m«thm(f (freadfiil— I feM ii^-there*« be*n mi •coid^'nt. 
Oh— Mr. SMJTHEits— let 's k^ bofne-;-! wn mirfi I 'tl rifher eo. Oh— 
wlift*. « thr uv? (^rverai qfikr more inq*fi*i(ir>e tort among (hi ccgrfga- 
iwn, hrarifig httr burtls of emviion, are pefpiag (hrongh tke Fesiry door.) 1 
tiitin't- rxp""* fhis of hint — oh dear ! 

Polite Pew-(ip'ner{fm»hing in). Ob. pIciLse, if vou could tend me a 
clotlies-bru4ti, Mr. T&BBiLBTT — her4 *b bsea a coliigion and the gentle- 
nan 'b muilded hisn^lf — ami spiled his 'at. 

Jhprni^i^H FfmaU. Oh I who P 

0// " ■ Isi'MB. JonbbF 

f/r >/tt^. Oh! don't attempt to deceive &i« by ftskinif for 

clolliu;, '».:^..^<,. Oi\y be 'sRot somethitig broke. 

[/< aboni to tusk out, but u ckug to dp her ISm hrideimaid*. 

Enter Ma. &iUTir, Mr. Jones's bent man, verv ptttially cleaned^ and a 
grtod deal out of breath andfiuiUred, 

Smith. It was all ihar. infenial omnibn"^ ' v.../ ;. /.. .< ...../^„- ^ {^ 
%H Church). Oh ! 1 bcR pardon, it 's all ri . out he 

wfifl forced to buy a tiai, aud they c one Ibat 

dlWi him. 

Uof/rofeeted Female. Oh ! he's in achemist's wifh aomethiDB broke. Oh I 
I ou(tlit to go Oh ! now, isn't h« f {PasstoiMtelu adjuri^'g Mb. Smith. 

Svtith. Couipoee yoiiracU. lleallv, it '5 only ma I'X'. and be 'It bf a 
liUle oiftiel. (Mn. Themlett males ineffeHuai attempU to hnish the 
u.Yt mud of Mk. biirni's ttue cat.) Thank you; 1'. ■ of no couw- 
qiteiice. {Jtide /o Jack SHlxuEKa.) How do, Smitmehs? Il was a 
coutouDded omnibus; and our curved fool of a cabman would out in, 
auti »pi[l us — and there *& been such a row ! 

Ja<k Smiiher9, What fun t UoUol here's the other poor fluffcier. 

J^Aier Jones iM a state qf utter daaoUtinH as tc hu Vivend^r teaUtcoai 
and canary kerseymeres, and htBgloces bunt in several place$, 
Jones. I 'in vrry — 
Utiproteeted Female. Oh ! lie 's 8ft\>d ! UrIi— uch ! 

[Gtes of, and ij again dealt rrith by her femaU altendants. 

Jon^s. 1 *ni rcAlly- 1 couldn't hrip— we 've been spilt — but nothing. 

(7o $MITllliR8, iistde, and pointing to the grotip of ladies.) I »ay, 

f houldn't I— eh ? You think uot f (lioteingtoKKX. (iuiMi 5 Wapshot.) 

Very sorry to have kept jou waiting. Sir. How do, hMiTirens? 

[To Reo. g.'Mt. qfihat natne. 
7%f Hev. Smithen [aiide (0 JoHKa). If she 's mueh longer coming to, 
you Ml not be abin to b* n'arried to day. 

Jonei ifo Unprotectkd FF.MATr >/-r.i«/i4 y*^ todies). My dear, kv 
must he niarried before twelve, oti : mu'es to — 

Unprotected Female [recovered, w-.. ■ . I'm ready, DiVlD. 

[TAtf £ndiil pro'-e9si(fH is formed. 
Jones (to fitflTH. aside). By Jote ! Svith, have ^ou the ting f 
Smith (an ^ * 
Jones (in 
dri d at thr :: l: 
Smith (t^ianki^). By Jovr! 

J. ffrt (nhftrbi'd in f'lor^pht of the ring). I *» go back. 
Vttf Oh, he saTfl he *ll go back ! 

Jv" f nation). No— no— 1 don't mean that i 

r, -i','. Oh— what is it? 

itr I '. There's no ring t 

Mi.\< 1 nston). The man has forgotten the ring! 

Un-tuleried FenntU. Oh— d««r — ob — what m fo be doneP — oh ! — 
Fotite Feir-Opener (takirtg qff her ring)- Wich I're^s my own blessed 
ling '■ ' ' i Ipitv(?t, wn<lnng or sm 1 ■. my blessed angels. 

:7'» to the Charrh. St 'oyj, o(d tcomfH, and 

- ..i»uiiiv.e metnUn if the ]i\...... ....v morrmg congregation, 

eroted vp to the roils. 



{_The Youth Pew-Oi'BFEr's rinff ix take* ndpttntage ^tOnd iLL 
IS OVER!— a/ the additioMai expense (f hatf-a-ftoien to the 
PoMTH Pkw-Opkner. 

[ffe P'istover the harrotctng arrne if 
reader that, nottcilhstandirtg th^ 

the UMPJWTtCTfD FEMAXE (/' 

after mavf inefertwal attempti- 
'l^ftonEn.s ' teas a great mcceti. 

(Wt extract the fvllowing graphic account of the abova Scene from a 
morning 0>ntemporarf.) 
"Mauluoc in HiOH IiiPK.— On "Wednesday, the ISth. at 
St. Qeorge's, Bloomsbury, was consummated the Jong-expeoted weddinv 
(which baa been long on the tapts. and lia^ given ri^e to so mfiiir ondtte 
in a weekly newspaper) between David Jokes, Esq. (of the well-known 



^1. No ; yoH 've got it : 

By Jove, il 's in my great coat, that I left to be 



firm of Smith, JovEa, and RosnieoN, com-r&ctnrt and general merchants) 
and the lovely and accomplished Miss MAntiu SrurGOLRs (only ohila 
of the lale Sahukl Staugguls, so much re*tH*c ed iu the comiriffcial 
world). The lovely bride wore an ambiT glace fiilk, with an (iTi> ; .11 

enmiie, Chaxitilly fall, and oranprr flowers, bh" wrh a'tcndc'^ r 

hy the three elegRTil p.nd rlinm.in^ ^fiss Ssiithkra (dftugli' n 

SMirriRRs, of the li 'irrn of Smitiikiis. Gukston, «ud 

KnoiuERs, Turkcj s Trotthr 'd^ugh'er of Tuohai 

TnoTTKR, Ksq), auii .">:. ' lurBA. E^q., 

and second cousin of l^ -, who wore 

attired <•« suite, wore 1 ' '- -"d 

Honi'on veils. After th- I 

by the Kev. Grime.'* ^i s 

Smitoers (a cousin of the lovc-ly and accornplished hntiei, fh«* iwrly 
returned to n n^Acnilicent dejeuner at the (own mansion of TuO)U9 
TrotteK. Ksq., AVoburn Place. Bedford Sauare, whence the happy paii 
proceeded by rnilway to Brighton, for the uoneymoou." 



KING ALFRED GOING. GOING-GONE! 

E felt mentally knocked down by an 
auctioneer's hammer, on reading in 
the liaiapthire IndeLendent \\\t an- 
nouncenitnt following : — 

" The tiniiii nn<) llio n«maln« f>f A\.ritMo 
Tin OiiKAT ar<< to tM tiOtrnA fur »»la ky 
Anetloa on TliiiradBy next, by order of tba 
tovntf lusgtiiUvtea. 

We vriali The inmiori^ility which 
this notice will confer onihu magis- 
tratee of liampaUire were such ai 
they might have earned by erecting 
a filling monument over Alfred's 
dust. A handsome piece of arcni- 
teotute, forming a second Win- 
chester College — a College for the 
County, in which there is not too 
much learning — would have been 
an appropriate tesliniunial to the 
memory of the great pJitron of 
education, ll may be well, bow- 
evrr, that Alfred's burial-place 
Jias pBSied from the possession of 
flift Hampshire magistracy. Per- 
Laps It is now in better Keeping. 
Oiir Southampton contemporary adds— 

•■ Wo abfuld h«T« thmurht Uitt th» lowcrt «leiKh of aeernd*ttoa hul bOM ruobod 
vHea UiQ Bite ol the *plenaid Abboj «li«ra lOi nmuiiu wen deposited vai oovcrod 
with tba buUilluKV ofs brld«v«a" 

F-ncy 'be treadmill revolving and the rogues' hornpipe danced over 
Alprkd's grave ! Had the truly wooden Bench, the authors of this 
desecration, lived in later days, they would perhaps have dug (he hero's 
bones up, and sent them to Andover to be crushed. For the future we 
hope that the people- of Winchester will be enithled without blushing to 
point out to the stranger the spot where Alfred lies. 




/k. l'..e^^ 



. onls tuxuring the 

•ts to ihf. cuttifary, 

'» svyning her name 

}ud iht$t tke breakfast at the 



A HAIL FOR OALirORNlA. 



We find, from a notice to the public, that the Post-OfGoe authoritiea 
have started a aiail to Caiifnmia. We should like to see the vehicle 
ael''cted for the service. We have a strange suspicion that the old 
Hnunslow cab has been fitted up with a new pair of shults to supblv the 

f)lace of those which we dashed to pieces some time ago in afeorful col- 
ision with our shafts of ridicule, aud that this precious set-out has been 
ordered to set out on the first stage towards the diggings. We used 
to find fault wi'h the rate of traTeliin^ by this conceni, but the rate of 
postage it satisfactory. Half-an-ounce is to be 2j. h^d., an ounce, ii.lltf., 
and it will scarcely require an ounce to announcd anything to one's 
friends in Cilifomia, vVe think the Post-Ofllcc authaniies niight ven- 
ture to charge higher, and declare that every letter should be charged 
wi'h its weight in gold, which the Califomians, with their embarrasdet 
rickesses, oould moke no objection to. 



TUE rOBCB OF BABIT. 

The DrKE op Cambridge was the Chairman lately at some oountry 
meeting — it; was either a Burial, or a Teriotal Socic'v, we are not 
eerrain which, — when a resolution was put iiro bis hand. His Hoya) 
Highness immediately rose, and, with his usual good humour, naidi 
" drntlnmen, the ueit Health 1 have to propose — .'* Jt was nnly sfter 
innumerable coughs, and nudgea ol the elbow, thmt the Duke diseovered 
his mistake. 



i 
4 




PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



HANDBOOK TO HER MAJESTY'S THEATRE. 



I 



HiLE we are on the fTontier 
of the re&Itns of song, we 
will furniflh »omc uwful 
ioform&tion as to the mode 
of obUiumg the necesa&ry 
pftasport to enter them. 
It will be iidT»able to re* 
pair to ihe office of the 
Opera Ambasaadrtr, his 
Siiper-Exceliency Mr. Ntj- 
OENT, who, like oihrr diplo- 
matic authorities, is the 
recotcniaed medium for ad- 
mitting all fit applicants to 
an audience. Theae pass- 
ports are issued on the pay- 
ment of such fees as may 
be required. 

Though every facility is 
given to the granlini; of 
pAssporls. there has fre- 
qufnlly been much diffi- 
cult/ in obtaining them. 
for it is the wise policy of 
the gorcmment of the 
realms of aong not to per- 
mit barmODT, which is tbe 
very geniw loei, to be dis- 
turbed by the admission 
of greater numbers Itian 
it is possible to accommo- 
date. 

As the coutinent may be reached by different routes bo are there various modes 
of arriving at the place of destination to which we are furnishing a Hand-Boole. 
Tbe best, T)ut most expensive, course is Ihatwkich avoiits the sometimes rather 
stormy pif. pssaage through the sea uf population, which freouently runs wilh the 
impetuosity of a torrent, through the somewhat narrow channel to which it is 
obliged to confine itself. 

The roughness of this passage is usually at its height after Salter, when, from 
astronomical causei, the stars exercise an influence on the tide of popularity which 
flows rapidly in. and there being two opposite currents, caused by one stream 
rushing pcll-mell from Fall-Mall, and another in the contrary direcLion, there 
is n meeting of both near the centre of attraction, and it is therefore necessary to 
erect barriers or breakwaters to restrain their 
impetuosity. 

Thenavigation is often exceedingly diJGouli, and 
it ia desirable that all very slender craft should 
avoid the attempt to make the Opera pit passage 
in the height of the season ; and it ia exoected 
lha»- this year will be dislinguished by a Trmpeti 
of a very extraordinary character. Experienced 
pilots usually steer their course as much aa 
possible through tbe centre of the stream, for 
otherwise there is danger of being driven out 
of the regular channel. 

Sometimes a stout-bmlt man-of-war may be 
seen making way, with a small Hftht squadron 
under convoy, but the experiment is hazardous ; 
and though we never saw an instance of one 
of the weaker vessels having actually slipped 
ber slays, we have often seen her dhfring along 
wilh grea*- danger to her fiRurehead, and wilh 
tome of her canvas carried away from her. There 
ia also the unpleasant necessity of remaining a 
considerable time in the ofGng until the tide runs 
in. which ir. begins to do a', about seven or half- 
past; hat uutil then it is desirable to !i|rcure a 
good anchorage, which can only be obtained by 
taking up a station at an earlv opportunity. Aa 
the craft are generally rigged out to the best 
advantage, the rigi^iug ia liable to get a little 
out of order^ and the weaker may often be seen 
making their way wilh a loss of bows, and 
labouring rather heavily aatil they get within 
the biu-, where Ihey are called upon to show 
their pennits before going into harbour. 

The more distingnished visitors enter by a much easier route, sdopling the well- 
known pass of tbe Grand Staircase, which leads to an extensive range of upland, 
having all the smoothness of tbe oelebraled tapU ceri nt Versailles, wih an 
atmosphere of tbatre5ned air. for which even the outskirts of Ilcr Majesty's Theatre 



are exclusively remarkable. It will be neeeisary for visitor* 
to bear in miud, that, on entering a new domain, then 
are usually customs and duties to bo observed ; and thera 
are many peculiar customs and duties connected wiLti an 
entrance into the realms of Opera. 

The Gustoma regulations are very rigidly enforced at 
the harrier: but, notwithstanding the vigilance of tha 
officer* on duty, contraband commodities have oocaaiooally 
been smuggled in ; and there have even been cases in 
which that utterly prohibited article, the surtout, has 
been got across the frontier by surreptitious means, such 
as pinning up the skirts so as to avoid detection on the 
outskirts. It would occupy too much space t« furnish a 
list of those objects that are not allowed to pass; bnt 
it maybe stated, that any one who wilfully makes an object 
of ^ himself by his absurdity of costume will be at once 
objected to. 

The law is by this time so well imderstood tliat at- 
tempts to violate it are exceedingly rare, but now and 
then a bold smuggler will advance towards the frontier 
with an umbrella or some other offensive weapon, and 
render it necessary that a seizure should be msde; a pro- 
ceeding whicli is always conducted with a mitture of gen- 
tleness and firmness highly creditable to the authorities. 
The article stopped is not forfeited, but is deposited in 
the hands of the proper oflkier, who takes charge of it 
till the return of the traveller, who id expected to follow 
the customary laws by giving a small customary fee on 
the re-dclivery of the goods seized as contraband. Bon- 
nets are of course prohibited, and, indeed, they are now 
seldom brought as far as tbe frontier, for no one now 
fake<i such a thing into her hrad. or on to ic, when visiting 
this locality. 

The only indispensable luggage consists of a binocular 
lorgnette, which is essential to a due appreciation of the 
numerous beauties of the place now about to be entered. 
By its aid distant objects are brought near, and, tbougik 
distance lends enchantment to some views, the scenea 
we are about to open to the eye of Ihe traveller in 
these favoured regions cannot be brought too near to 
us. Though we are somewhat nrecipitatin^ matters, 
by giving tuus early a glimpse of wnat is passing within, 
we avau ourselves of the power of tbe opera-glass to 



4 





■■9 



PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 



IGl 



A BIT OF MY MIND. 



BIT THB JFIUST.-BEmG MEB. MOUSER'S BIT OP A PREFACE. 



I HAVE been pat upon and provoked to it. 1 niigbt have gone 
down to my ayiDfr day, holdiof? my Tongue to roy end, if it hadn't 
been for the House of Coaimous. Ma. Modsbb — 

Not that B8 a married woman, I would whisper a breath anioat the 
hufth&nd it has pleased Providrnce to allot to me. I hope I Imow oiy 
burden better. But Mb, Mousb& — 

And I 'II be jnri^cd by any of mv acquaintance, whether by so muoh 
u a look I have ever dropt a word of what, gracioui knows ! I might 
hare aaid. No • I hhall never forget what my poor aunt Peacock— ahe 
■wu dreat in a silver-grey lutestring like a board, it could have stood 
upon its own hem — what that good soul said to me the very day I was 
tnarried, when I went up itairs to change before I went into the boney- 
troon with Mouber, in a sulphur po'-chay with two cream-coloured 
horses to Ihe Angel at Twickenham — whether the house is there or 
gone, I won't aay — never shall I forget the words of that dear soul ! 
— never! " Ameua," said she, we were both co'ing all the time, 
" Akrua. my blessed child, you have now changed your condition. 
What IS in store for you, it would be presumptuous ia any of us to say. 
But, my dear babe, let me advise you as a friend, never to ^ive way to 
any thoughts of happiness. It'll be tlie safest. If happiness comes, 
well and good— but, don't expect it. You are now a mruried woman"— 
and here aunt Peacock, giving a shiver that her lutestring rustled 
again, swallowed her tcara — *'a married woman, and life won't bo 
what it wa«, Amelia. AVe were made tu suffer, and must go through 
with i^. But, AUEUA, never forget the greatest jewel in a woman 
is her nroper pride : that is % jewel that will 8Upj>ort you when 
friends foraake. A proper pride is belter than a marriage portion, for 
it's all for a woman's self. Ambua. if you're nipped to bits with red- 
hot pinoera— I dou^t mean to eay " — for X did look at aunt Peacock 
— " I don't mean to say for a certain you will be; but if it should so 
happen, don't say a word, however Mocber may ill-treat you. I don't 
mean to say he will, and I know that — only five minules af(o— he called 
you before all the company his pearl, his rose without a thorn, his cup 
of haMineaa mnmng over at the brim; but all that goes for notliing 
when il comes to plain working-day married life. Therefore, however 
miserable you may be, don't make other people as wise as yourself, if 
your heart's breaking up to bits, put a saiile upon it, as if nothing waa 
the matter. In a word, my dear gul, whatever may be your troubles in 
wedlock, always have on oyster in your mind, and suffer and say 
nothing. These were poor aunt Peacock's words; and at that time 
how little I thought of 'em ! The po* chay's steps were hardly tip— the 
door put to— and we not live minutes on the wnv to the Angel, when 
the words were as clean out of roy mind, u if they d never been spoken. 
But, to be sure, at that time, Mk. Mouskb — 

Nevertheless, it ia not my intention— do, not in the face of red-hot 
nippers tbemaelvca— to say a word that aunt Peacock in her grave 
would shake her head at. I have taken care of my proper pride from 
the tlrst, and it 's grown along with me. The things I have heard, and 
the silence I have Kept, would not be believed 1 Why, there was only 
last Tuesday, when Mils. HonNULOWEtt— I soraetiiuBs think, when that 
woman's talking, she has her own tongue and mine into the barRain — 
when she would tell me all about Hoiindloweb, beginuing with his 
goings-on from the first down to last week only, when he jumped up 
Ike a madman from a sweet bit of cold mutton, and rushing up- 
stairs, shaved himself in a passion, and dreil himself iu a whirlwind, 
and banged the door like a sarage, and went out to dine at a tavern 
oke a hurricane, and came home at last in a condition that men are 
muoh better out— well, when I'd heard it all, looking down as I did 
apoa the woman, and wondering where was her proper pride, to lake 
oer husband from house to house, and to bring up their cold mutton a^ 
'J it was as much other people's concerns as tbeir own — well, when I 
bad heard all this, and, seeing Mhs. Kobnbloweb expected me to talk 
in my turn, and I didn't, ; for though, gracious knows ! if I 'd only liad 
the mind to speak of Mb. Mouseb — 

But no - as I say, red hot pincers should never do it. Yet. when I 
think of tue temptation 1 go through, it is wonderful. More than that, 
I 'ffl sure of it^ all my married friends think me a poor creature with 
not a bit of spirit that does and takes iust what her husband chooses : 
but it 's a sweet consolation iu my triais tluit they know very little of 
Amelia Mouseb, No ; I hear all their troubles, smile upon 'em and 
only double-lock my ova in my own breast. If it was not so ! w!iy, 
there's that man— whom everybody believes to bo an angel at a lire- 
Bide— there is Mil Mouser— 

8tiil, 1 should despite myself for my want of proper pride, if I waa to 
aay a word. And vet to hear how that foolish woman, Mas. Botleb, 
doea go on about Bdtlbr ; for all the world, ai if every woman in life 



St up every morning to do nothing all day but to think of Butlib. 
ow she tired me out on Monday! Sent away another servant, because 
Butleb, happening to say the day before, he thought pink of all colours 
prettiest on a woman, and then the bold slut flaunted it the very neat 
morning in pink, of oourse, as that silly wom^ said, for nothine else 
only to please Botier! Well, whatever I may have felt in mr life, 1 
hope I *ve always followed the advice of poor aunt Peacock. ^' As for 
jeaJousy, my dear,"— she used to say — "it's like the amaU-itox, and 
always disfigures the woman that shows it. Like the amall-pox it 
sometimes comes and can't be helped ; but^, unlike the smallpox, if you 
so will it, yon needn't discover tlie marks. Jealousy may be a burning 
arrow, but let it burn unseen : never pull it out. and expose it before 
company." I am sure, when I see how some of my acquaintance will 
carrv their green eyes— aa somebody calls 'em— into all places, I'm 
doubly gratelul for my proper pride. 1 never speak, but I know this 
fact.— nobody better I'll be bound— I know there's Turks out of 
Turkey. Of oourae, nobody to look at Mm, would think that Me. 
Modbkb— 

Not that, for a moment, I am going to forget what I owe to myself. 
Certainly not. Burning arrows are belter kept for one's own fireside, 
and for one's own husband. Nobody else has any right to 'em. The 
same with everything 'rwixt man and wife. I 'm sure I wouldn't go 
on like Ihat dreadful Mas. Halifax, exposing her husband's pocket, 
and showing how mean, how little he is, wherever she goes. "Would 
you believe it," says she to me — expecting I should care a pin'a-point 
about it — "woiJd you think it. that Haupax, with all the money be 
has, and what he has, though I've been his wife these fifteen years, 
I don't know— with all he has, grudges me I nuiy say as much 
as a new riband P My dear, if he wasn't my own husband, I should 
aav he was a brute, for he thinks a new gown will last for ever. I 
tell him he ought to be ashamed to see me go as I do, when every 
other man's wife comes out. when it's expected of her, like a bed of 
tulips. And for me ! why, look at me!" And then the foolish woman 
supposes I 'm to care how many gowns she liai, or whether she 
has any i^)wu at all. Well, that a woman should be wanting in 
proper pride ! If she was kept like a blackamoor savage, she ought 
to show too much spirit to name it. For my own part, I was always 
above dresa : I had, from a child, a strength of mind bevond ailk aad 
satins. And lucky for me, it's been so. Other^'ise, I am sure that 
MiL Mouseh- 

Notwithstanding, aa 1 have already observed, people should keep 
their troubles, like their meisles, at borne; and not carry 'cm from 
house to house. The same, too, with tbeir conceit. Why, there is 
that Mks. Macaw ! She would — as she calls it — pour her troubles into 
my heart. Trouble; when the foolish creature s as fond of it. a« a 
little girl with a big dolt. Macaw, she says, is ao jealous of her: the 
can't louk out of the window — she can't speak to a single creature. 
"My dear," says she to me, "I know it a only Macaw's iiolatry, 
as he calls it when he's in a good humour— bis idolatry un the 
wrong side. Sill yon must pity me. I do believe he'd like to lock 
me up all day in an irou safe, and take the key out with him I 
Aa 1 tell him sometimed, 1 do think he's jealous of the very 
house-flics — and, my dear, though it is very flattering — we've 
been married twelve years next Michaelmas-very flattering ; still, 
you must pity me. I hope, dear Mas. Mousbr, you don't know 
Irom painful cxpeneoce what a jealoua husband is?" And — for 1 truat 
I've a proper pride in ail things — I smile, and say nothuig. But I 
remember aear aunt Peacock. Jealousy from real love," she used to 
say, "jealousy, Amellv. is wine turned into vinegar. And — it tirnvn't 
be pleasant — stiJ. if it 'a your fate to drink it take it down us if it was 
buttermilk, and aon't make the world lauKu with your wrv faces." 
What a deal I owe to aunt Peacock I For sometimes — not ^ut what 
I hope I 've too much pride to name it ; nevertheless sometimes a saint 
herself with Ma. Mouseu— 

Certainly not ; no. I shall aay nothing— at present— Hut can in any 
wav allude to my husband. I hope I have a better pride. Never- 
theiesf , since mv visit to the Uouse of Commons ; aince I had a look 
at what is called by Moussn himself the Muesty of Parliament— and 
since I heard his Majeaty speak — I feel myself an altered woman. A 
certain boldness, if I may use the word, a beautiful boldness iuducea 
me to break the silence of a life. And — 

The end of it is this — 

I am now determioed to give the world A Bit or kt Mud. 
That's settled. loora for the present. 

Tit H&ite^nckUt, AJUUia M.OUSK&. 



^«i.6ftfe. 




PUNCfJ, OR TITE LONDON CHARIViUtl 



I 



N 



i 

I 




A WORD TO LORD JOHN, UPON A LATE 
DEBATE. 

I jftfffff yllliTiiiqt K A ni,— EvTOT man who comidcrs 

jj Jw^^ "^^^^hi ''**'' pos't'on of B Miiii6t«r in 

I jlffllnlllf mn ^VA thf! present day, the cpasclejs 

calls upon liU tonguf^ and bia 
bminH, the dnily t»irin^ that 
ho gets from the bnll-doga 
of the Hnuse (if ono muy 
80 speak of bonoumble gea- 
tlenieii), must feel ihe sin- 
ceiTst conipassion for that 

Sttiablc being. Now it is 
[r. DiaBAELl who rises and 
(n'TCS the N(ib!e Lord or (he 
Chancellor o? the Ei- 
CHEQUER an airing; then it 
IB Mr. UrUE that pours into 
)nm the shafts of Ins kren 
Mrcasm and polished wit ; 
t hen it is tlie acn( e StRTUour 
who makes a butt of him, aud 
causes theHouse to ringwilh 
laughter, at any rate at some- 
holly's expense : another 
niljht it is an Irish Memher who beards, as Mb- Grattax says, Ihe 
Minister in his place in the House o( Conimous, and exposes the wounds 
he Jias made in the bleeding rarcaas of his oouulry ; or en another even- 
ini, CoBDEN, BiucHT, Gibson rise, figures in hand, pelt the Govern- 
ment with irrrfistihle arilhmctic, and derythem at the multiplication 
table. To each and all the unfortunate Minister has to moke some 
answer. — now to plead for time, now to refuse compliance; to 
deny this statement point-blank, and, when particularly hard-prcised, 
ingeniously lo dodge Irom the other. Sir, when an eccentric author of 
Jale likened vour Lordship to a cock-sparrow or a canary-bird, Ithought 
to myaelf what an uncontforiahle nest it is that poor birrl sleep* in ; 
what an early bird he niust he ; what a life he lias with all (he niis- 
ohieTOua boys in the empire pulling at his tail, and the marksmen of 
the press and nil the spor'smen of the House of Commons firing at him. 
^ou can't BO to take a quiet basin of turtle at the Mansion House but 
sonitbody haa Rsho\ and, ns last week, in the midst of a peaceful dessert, 
when NonNffiis ha^ been sung, and everybody is tranquil,— in full 
trice, old CiuiiLKY NAPiEti turns round and Ores a stern-gun into you. 
Your Lordship will perreive that the tone we adopt is one of good- 
rtaiuic and lender commiseration for the many tiigcrcies of your 
Bitua*ion, and by no means the tone of anger. Between great powers 
such as we two are, a lofty courtesy is becoming, and a saJutc before 
we engiure in auy ditipute. You will remark «ith what kindness wo 
have invariably breu disposed to treat you. A man so pressed as you, 
cannot he supposed to have the be^t of every enooiintcr. Armed ever so 
carefully by anxious subordinates ere you go forth to battle, wadded all 
over br UowniDg Street papers, a man so ahol at, you must be hit 
somewnerc — a champion always called upon to mm out must be 
weary, and be upset by, instead of orerthrowing his adversary. Thus, 
even of oupelvw, it is said, — AliquanHo bonutt ^r- — even of ourselves 
it is sometimes lemarked, " This week's Punch is not so uuconimoDly 
brilliant, bo Iremendousty stunning aa the last." ^Vho can be always 
right, always fresh and in good health, always a conqueror f 

Unwilling then to engage a combat with a man who has so many 
chullcnges every dsy, and is on the ground every evening, we Jiave 
wnilrd wi h some anxiety, and a sincere hope, ihat you would &nd 
crcH*<ion to modify some opinions expressed by you in the House of 
CuniuKins the other night, with regard to the greater porUon of the 
'Jhird Ksta'e of tlie Realm, and also, that respected Fourth Estate to 
which we have the fortune to belong, and the rishts and honour of 
rhtoh we propo'ie most carefully lo maintain. When Mr. Wilneb 
GiBAON made his motion last week for the repeal of ihe excise duty on 
papcr,and the stamp and atlrerti^emeot tax on newspapers in one of 
the ueaieat speeches in which truth was ever agreeanly administered, he 
noticed as a proof that the present pre^s taxes were unjust, not in the 
vliote merely, but iu the pan; cluuisy, inclTcct ire, unequal; weighing 
heavily upon the honest and useful part of the press, and not operating 
upon the dangerous and wicked portion : the fact tliat while the Stamp 
duty was paid by all respectable ioumals which gave Llic proper and 
wholesome news of tbe qav, and wliich, indeed, caanot circulate at all 
without ibat passport, numbers of disreputable, scurrilous, indecent, 
and irreligi'^ua periodicals were printed independent of any stamp at 
all, and r,f course found their way into Ihe houses of the poor who 
could not aford to purchase the more costly stamped publication. 
And, the hunger for reidinff being so great and natural that the 
poor man will feed upon aometbing (as 1 have seen poor people 
eating oettlea and garbage in the hedge*, wbeo the potato 




aaaf» 

t Ix-Ul 



foiled them), hs has reoourse to this poisonons and nnwholeaome meat, 
t)ecau8e the wholesome food is put beyond hta means, by the duty 
which Ihe Govemment levies on it. What happened yesterday in 
the House of Commons, in England, in France; vhat Mr. UtBSOsr 
said in support of bis motion for removing press restrictions; what 
valuable observations your Lordihip supplied aa reasons for retaining 
them — the poor man must not read without paying his penny to the 
State collector : but blasphemy, but indecency, but filthy slander on 
private character, hut vulgar romance and ribal<iry ; but discussions 
political, social, religions, more or less able and Dones^ or rascally 
and incendiary, in wbioh the propriety of every existing institution H 
gainsayed. be it our privR*e property, our wires* chastiU, the House of 
Lordf , and the Queen's throne, or that of Heaven itself : on all (heae 
points the market is open to him, and he is free to purcbatie his meal. 
What a dreadful supply it is I Can any man walk the atreots of our 
great towns without heing frightened at it ? What garbage and poison. 
stale cast-away scraps, and rotten oITal! What huxters to Tind it! 
What an eager busy crowd ! 

These are rlietoncal fJgures, however, and it is bv no means in such 
that Mb. Gibson deals; his are plain statemeuts anu fac's. He reads 
an extract froui one unstamped paper in which the Colonial polic/ of 
the Government is fiercely attackea ; from others against the Qcee:!^ 
and the Church : and from a fourth in which the necessity of anew 
organisation of society is proposed, based on principles not opposed to. 
but in accordance with, nature P This letter w followed by **laughter* 
from the House. Tiie wags ! ther always laugh. Be it ruin, anarchy, 
the Day of Judgment, they must laugh— the subject is so funny! And 
the speaker continues — 

" DAbarred rrotn nwording ficts, the oonductnra of tfao diwp preu vcrn cnmrFlIM lo 
rsck. tbeir braliu for lOfDethin; to czeUn the p—i<c*ui or ctlniiil 
SirnvMaea ttm did noUiioff more thRu act upon tbo oervous t- : 
(DitMDce, the Ttrr^ ^/oorrf;— tbat wu for nervmu pooplo. \i- 
Baoth«r wecUf p«iwr, wliloh emiialncd % horrible aoeount of a. i 
murdorpd by a muilac, And ftDdtber ** rtonr «r real 116)^" namely. 
Cvuiil«B»; or, lh» LlAi of Iala Movtai. (** J7«er, Awr." mtd tau 
lurnnnrd, bj lui emlnout boukMller In M iinobe«ter, th*.t he 10141 over Lin 
BMtnrdur. W,000 or M,0()0 of ttwM pcany ptibJIcatlooi tn tbe worklnj^ <\ ( 

tbam pnlltletl, ncu InHglnaclvv, and name reltfrloni. Tliii bookjellor 1. 1 <• 

did DoC bellw thwe nam one Id fifty of liU eostumen who did not prului i:< i'it'-Iii^jb 
the papori oonUiiiing the leading «rcnta of the day, bat tliey could not aflcinl Um price." 

Now, what is the reply the First Minister of the country makes upon 
this facetiou*) 8ubjpc^ in the midst of this jocular auditory f Lord 
John RussKi.Lsays:— 

" His risbt hen. friend bad ibawn tbe alffcbtef of tba anibunped pspert. uid be re«l 
arUeI«« fmm tbsm to yrove their oitwibleTeDi eharaelar: bat Uwf Memed to him lo be 
M like aonw of tbe article* In the Hamped newipaptiia (A lamgh) that be warocly kaev 
the dUbrenee. Tb«rc wni o character of Losd Qaar nad tut be almoat itiouaUt w» 
vrlitQO t^ JACon Otmwu, or Mme of the vrfien In tlta dally papers. (A UiKgL) For 
hll part, he cmild not very niTirh dUUn^Uh the itl0i>ivnee In tbe etylo which the rl|;bt 
hon. gi>nt]F«niui wlKh<<d Li point cuL TIia (ior«mmontdld not, aa one of tlie depntatlmu 
told him, keep on thin tax to prevent tmowU-dge beiny acqolrad and oooveyod by tbe 
oewspapera. He fslt no appreh«iafiU>u« of that kind ; but he beUered that If tbe tax vera 
taken chT, It Fuald make llule dlflbreoce In the papen." 

So^ this is the way in which tbe head man of the country comprehends 
the silualion!— Instead of meeting the argument, tnruat at him as plain 
as a pikestfifT, the (iovemmeni Champion dodges and ducks under it ! He 
can't very much distinsuish the difference in the style which Ihe Right 
Honourable Gentlemsn wishes to point out; he almost thinks the 
character of Lord Ghet is written by Jacob Omviitm, or some of the 
writers of the daily press ! fie ! for shame I 

As for Jacob Ohxittu, that ingenious person can take care of him- 
self, and 80 can the writers in the daily press, too : between whom and 
the unstamped publicists the Prime Minister can't see any difTtrence, — 
therefore, tbe argument ro doubt is, one is es good as the other ; there- 
fore lot matters stand as they are; therefore let the Newspaper Stamp 
duty remain, and a laugh of course from the House. fie 1 O for shame^ 
we say again. 

What, you can't see that the chief writers of the press in this 
country are men whose education is as good as yours, whoBe talent is 
infinitely greater than yonr% who speak more to the point upon all 
public questions and in better English, and employ a variety of learning 
and acquirement such as not one in a hundred of you, Gentlemen of tha 
House of Commons, can use ? You can't see the difTerence between 
polished wit, and acojmplished Riyle, and skilled logic, and argument 
clear and eloquftnt, and the writings of those who hrtve m vf-r had 
the leisure to learn Ihe use of these weapons of controversy P Do 
you tl'ink, my Lord JOFIN. that you could write three leading srticles 
a week for the TVww or any other newspaper PI he public would snore, 
the paper would die under the infliction. The r»per can afford to 
ti-U the truth, you can only face that \ml of it which suits your pariy: 
the newspaper writer can apeak like a philosopher vou but as a par- 
tisan; and I know of no spectacle more melancholy than that of a 
»reat man, like Sib RontnT Pb»l. in^}»o Iwt atrugglea of the Com 
Law, knowing the right and its inevitable mastery, but bidirg from it 
and avoiding it; bound roiserablr by the fatal compact of party- 
exigency, until that day when he broke from his bondage by a 
noWo act of revolt and recantation. 

And so beoatise there is no difereaoe between th« ityle of the good 



4 



PUNCIf, OR T^E M)iyDON CHAR^VARX 



1^.3 



press and the bad press, tbe poor man's joiirna! is to be tAied still— la it ? TThj not pnt the] 
ttse more tioneslly, and in8tc*d ot mcrrlj hinting as you do in your sperch that a Umc may 
OODM when the present system may bp altered, iay openly that the pecuniary burthens of the| 
eoontry ve snch that it is impossible to forego the revenue produced by the Newspaper 
Stamp Duty, and let the people have their papers untaxed: that though reading is almr 
as neoessary for them as bread, they must wail awhile until they cm have the fair enjoymr ; 
of the former; that though the actual prohikation is productive of inticit* present tnuchiei, 
and pregnant with awful future evil, the State is so poor that it can't afTord to let Truth go 
■ntaxed to those who need it Ihc most; that though tJicy would thrive much belter, and do 
yonr work and their own much better, on wholesome mental food, ibey must go on poisoning 
thcmselTca just now, and dealing with their present pnrveyoni ; that you and the Ciiancbllor 
o? THE ExcHEQUBB CAU 8«e uo remcd? for this misfortune. It may bring rmn down upon 
the whole of us before long ; but in tte meanwhile wo must meet our engagements, and, 
rmi rahm, the public creditor must have his dividend. And, as a professed joker, bavmg 
Bioch experiencft in the hnaineRB, and desirous to conl inue it peaceably, let me intreat your 
Lonisliip to look upon this question as a grave matter, not to be mei by the sneers ot the 
Prime Mintater, or the laughter of the Hoase of Commons. |9(3^C1ft. 



A MEW FROM THE CAT. 




PtmcTT,— Nine tailors, 
it Ik s«id, make a man. 
With more truth it 
might be asserted that 
thirteen men make a 
country magistrate, 
who comprjsfs in bis 
person a judge and 
jury. My friends, our 
Ju?lices of the Peace, 
have been always ra- 
ther >rrf at pcrsowgea ; 
bat by the Larceny 
Summary Jurisdiction 
Bill, it IS proposed to 
increase tneir great- 
ness. The Collective 
"R^iwlom, lately, spent 
the most part 01 an 
ereoing in debating as 
to, whether or not they 
ihould be allowed to 
infl'ct iummary whip- 
ping on young men of 

sixteen. The Tima of the same day contained a bankruptcy case, the nero of which bad 
started a shnm bank, and failed for £<iOOO. paying a dividend of \s. 2^. in the pound. Surely 
here is a case for my application, even at the cart's tail, if a miserable \hd is to be loourged 
for a twopenny-lmlfptMiiiy tbefi, unless it be only the peasant's tlesh that is to be tortured, and 
1 am not to he sutfered, for any viDany, to lacerate the sleek skin which is cherished by 
respectable oloth aud line lines. 

" I am, &c.t no friend of yotirs, truly, 

"The Cat." 



DARKNESS IN ST. DOmNOO. 

Tub French papers make merry with the poor old mountebank EMFHRon of St. Domutgo 
—a potentate who will, we doubt not, be veiy truthfully, and withul econoniic*lly repre- 
sented in the Dnglish metropolis on the Ist of May, next — ^ving, with a fiiuirk, a full and 
particular account of the pilgrimage of the Emperor and Lmpress to celebrate a funera. 
serrice for the souls of the Kruperor's father aud mother, tiesidea this solemnity, there 
was the ceremony of marriage of (he two old negroes, parents of the Kmpress; who, never 
expecting to have a daughter lor Empress, never oared lor ihe respectability ol the marriage 
tie. Well, the dauglnrr is elevated to a throne; and she immediately has a quicker sense 
of religious and social decencies: there is, we take it, little to lauKh at iu this, li would 
be no worse for the imperial character at large, bad the like detioacy ever animated all 
its doings. 

But the parental shades of the Emperor are to be consulted and honoured. Wbereupon 



PICTURES FOR THE PEERS. 

FnoM an answer given by the Prhvter to 
^' 'H: Lacy Etaj^s the other dwy in tha 
tis. it appears that the refreshment-room 
I ir^.iu^ of Ijordi is lo be decorated wiiU 

p: iiig to the Chase. If so, the adorn- 

m< bonis' rrfreshment-room will much 

rrKtmble Ihose often met with in that of another 
pubtie, description of house. To improve the 
Kiojililuiie, these works of art might be *'aried 
b^the introduction of scenes from the Turf, a paa- 
time as lordly as the Chase. "Noblemen Bel- 
ting," "Noblemen Makmglheir Books," perlmp^ 
"A Nobleman Levauling,*' would be appropriate 
subjects. _ " The Billiard Table " and "The Dice- 
Box'* might be added: and in further illuitn- 
tion of the Amusements of the Nobility, these 
paintings might include a view of "CBocKfonn'a 
m the Olden Time." In oonnexiou with the 
Chase, we would pictorially elucidate the Game 
Laws. "The Keeper Shot" and "The Poacher 
Hanged" would be le&sons iu form and colour 
— to the Lords. Many of the themes above 
proposed are now simpljr bistonCAl— let us hope 
that all of them — especially those of the dasa 
last mentioned—wiU soon be so too. 



m 



"THERE BE LAND PIRATES." 

Geografhy now-a-daTs is fearfully outraged, 
the distribution of the different quarters of 
the habitable globe, for we find Calcutta within 
five miiiutea' walk of the Nile; and the Arctic 
Regions next door but, six to New Zealand, 
which IB separated from Australia by a narrow 
neck of cab-stands. 

We like lo see theee Tariona Exhibitions thrir- 
bg, for though ihey are pretty thickly s'udded 
about the West End, there is instruction and 
amusement lo be gleaned from every one, and 
there u abundant room fur all of them. While, 
howerer, we can only applaud competition in a 
good purpose, we object to an)tuing in the 
shape of piracy, and protest therefore against the 
attempt of a A!a. Harvit — we admire Habvet's 
sauce— to prodi by the popuhmty of the Fihibt- 
liou of the Overland Alail, and open a second- 
hand " Gullery of Illustration " in anot her quarter. 
We never eucourage these atteiitpis, because we 
have found from experience that anything, aeek- 
ing to establish a reputation on Ihe lucoessof 
Bomelbinf^ that haa gone before, has usuadly no 
merit of its owu to rely upon. 

OwinH[ to a series of former disappointment! 
under similar circumstances, we snail decline 
taking the trouble to seek out Gallery of lUua- 
tratiun No. 2, its we do not anticipate that we 
shall be re(>aid for the trouble of a visit. 



Time FUea." 



I 



Tni8 Iime4ionourcd tnith has lately received 
rather a literal illnstration. Tbe large clock over 
liie hair-dres!icr's m Oxfoid Street, has suddenly 
disappeared. As it bail underneath it the in* 
scriplioD "Time flies," its flighly conduct is at 
ccQuntcd for. This is only another proof 



L^l ?."!!?„?5^'^^.*u ^^T?5'^_A'i« Fr'\'!!i.^"7^"5>^*=''^:^'^_l^'*!??r:P:£^5? f! Xl^^i?.'!! : of "e" very great difficulty a public clock has to 



in'o ibe woods. Cock, kid, and sheep are kiiled. nnd their niiogted blood offered to the souls 
of faiher and mother; which eouls are duty fixed by the prietU in a vessel of water; and 
when filed, are made to express their thanks for the filial attendance : and further lo assure 
the sacriScers that they are perfectly comfortable, wanting nothing whatever iu the oUier 
world. On this the writer bewaila the awful snperstiiion of poor Saloop, the Kmpkrob of 
St. Dohimgo ! 

Very lemble. this— very humiliating! Suppose we change the Boene. 

The scene Im changed! It is Naples. A f4te-day: tbe ffi(<of Saikt Jastartus. Where- 
upon, with many thousands marvelling at tbe wonder, and blessing themselves that they should 
see it, the congealed blood of ihe Saint thaws in a oottle, and the miracle of the year is per- 
formed — "lo be continued in the next." 

Doth not Saxitt JaKvaxius preach charity for the darkness of poor Kitfsbok SaloopP 



keep time, if we were asked "what was most 
behind tbe age?" we should say. " Next to LoU) 
JouK RvasELL, a public clock.'* 



k STXC14L PIXA. 

A rouwo Ibicf who was charged the other day 
with picking pockets, demurred to the indict- 
ment, "for that, whereas he had never picked 
pockets, but bad always taken them just as Ihey 
came." 





THE CABINET CUUTTI. 



Ih the middle of St. Slepltcn'a 

Tbe pit yawns deep ftnd wide, 
And PuNCiiius, tbe aujfur. 

U •ifkadinicat its side. 
He bat.h walcbed tbe SAcred chicken?, 

IIhUi mnrlcrd ihem turn aw*y 
From flieir oflicial pickings. 

For the drat time to-da}'. 

And PuNCHius li&tli counted up 

The toMin of the whoir, 
or AURuries and omens, 

And icrKtohf>d Ms tvoodea poll ; 
And after rumiiulioD, 

From ttie leat where he doth sit, 
Hiith risen, in explaoAtion 

Of this portentous pit. 

•'Oh. Place-holders and Miuiiten, 

And Whippers-in of Kome, 
Tbia is KeLrenchmeat's pit ttuiL yawaa 

Beneatlt St. Stephen's dome.** 
'Tvas no AssooiaLion 

Financial, out of doors. 
Mor HutfB. nor ILenley hored it. 

Though tney be mighty bores. 

It was a little crack at 6rsl, 

Thaf, in hia scornful play, 
MjlRccs Hillius would leap orer. 

As he passed to the g&ni^-wjky. 
But still it waxed and widiened. 

And blacker, deeper, crew ; 
Till UusstUTs, beneath ttis liAt, 

liOoked bilious and blue. 



CoBDEKiDs, Ibe Tribune, swore, 

The pit ne'er closed would be 
Till they had cast into it. 

Ten raillions £5. d. 
Then a scomrul lauffh laughed UussiLUS, 

And T'almkiistonius sneetei). 
And the stout tribe of Tadpomi, 

They mocked Cobdenius* beard. 

So of the Ordnance Estimatoi', 

And Naval, with regret 
AVere flung in half a niillioD. 

But the pit gaped wider j rt ; 
And Graius whispered Hufisius, 

As he looked round on thtir Irmn, 
" What if we fling into it 

A Treasury Lord or twain? " 

But KussiLt's right sternly chid 

Such radiral remarks : 
" If victims tiiere must be," said hr, 

" Fling in some score of clerks." 
So liaule^s clerks and messengers. 

And all ihat, had no friends, 
They pttclicd in fast and fretly — 

But still the pit extends. 

Beneath the Treasury benches 

It yawneth broad and black. 
Agiiast into its entrails 

Qaxes each Treasure hack ; 
And forced up from the centre 

By pressure from without, 
The solemn boom of Public 

OpimoD swelleth out. 



'• I yawn, and will yawn wider. 

Till ye throw into me 
All idle sineciirists, 

Whftte'er their names may be;l 
Graii or Eliottii, 

I hold in little heed ; 
No blood is sacred in my eyrs. 

Not e*cn of Bedford breed.; 

" Ye think to stay my cravinir 

With poor, hard-norliing hiairea; 
"What already is pas', shaving 

Must submit to closer shaves ; 
Yo fling OTer what the Fcr^ioo 

Of the country ill can epare. 
That Whiflgish lordling prol^et 

May still each keep his chair. 

" I gape, and gape si ill wider. 

And gapinc will go on 
Un'il I swallow up this House 

And Downing Street in one." 
Then up and spoke pale UussiLiTBa 

" My earnestness to prove, 
Lo. a Select Committee 

On Salaries I move ! " 

Then a weeping and a wailing 

Hound Treasury Benches goef, 
Grau and KuoTTii 

In anxious protest rose ; 
But Profectioniits ri«mpattiou» 

In chfcrs their cries did drown, 
for well they felt tiieniselvea had got 

No salariei to out down. 



i 



PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CIIARIVABI. 




To the pit's bUck edire pale Rrssaos 

With hufTifd atcp arnvcs, 
And whi«pen PALMERJTONtrs, 

'• Netds umst wheu cresBure drives." 
Scores leave the Downine Street arnj-ciinirs, 

That they bo well did fill. 
To the act of calm Bucrifiee 

Going — again at their vi 11. 



They stop — they shiver on the brink, 

Nor dare the de-^porate leap, 
Till 1104611.08. heroie, 

Hath pushed them down the steep ! 
Then vith the public voic« in front 

And the private sbovo behind. 
Unto the fate they oaanot help 

Tbej have themselveB resigned. 



I- 
Tlia- -laiqipe 

Id I lie Forttiii. he leiipt down: 
But wliat one Ccbttus ventured then, 

Now tribes of Curtu dare ; 
And ho* many soe'er are swallowed up 

WeVe still enough to spare. 



I 



L 



REPEAL OF THE ADVERTISEMENT DUTY. 

Yestbrdat, an enormous meeting of AdveKisers of all denominationd, 
took plaoe in Palace Yard. M%. Jb5KTNs, as represeoung a class (the 
large class of domestio servants; was unaDimously bellowed to the Chair. 

From what we could gather of the sentiments of the speakers, they 
vere (In frarments) as follow ; 

"A Wet Ntirse, a Rrspectable Young Woman,'* thought it was like 
their impudenes that she couldn't offer to take charre in ine newspaper! 
of a preoioas baby from ihe month, without paying Eighteen Fence duty 
to /iid/ Lord Russell. 

"A Lady's-Miid turned 90" who understands hair-dressing and 
millinery, gave ii upon her honour and word that that Eighteen Pence 
was shameful — abominable — and if the QtTEEN otdy knew it — it was her 
[the Lady's Maid's] opinion— HiR Mjuestt wouldn't permit it, that 
•he wouldn't. 

" A Housekreper to aSingle Gentleman or Tradesman" said they 
had only to be Unanimous to put down the Eighteen Pence for ever 
and for ever. If they wana't attended to this time, she gave 'em warn- 
iog for her part — let the Minis' ry look to his windows ! (C4«w*.) 

A Butler in a ouiei Family where a Footman is kept," said, it wa$ 
well-known that the Orn Laws wa9 repealed, on/y ibat the Eighteen 
Pence might go into the Lord Chancellor's pocket. He liopfrd he 
had always been Loyal — always in his own person rallied round the 
Altar and the Throne,— but the Eighteen Pence on Advertisements was 
a fundamental blow at AabMS rorput. Ue only hoped— it was bis daily 
prayer— that he should not be druv to join the Chartists. 

"A Footman, single-handed," faid it was hinfamons — 
"A Groom, or to Drive a Brongham." cried— "shabby!" 
*' A Waiter to an Hotel " asked, if they vtood the Eighteen Pence, 
"■what ntit were to follow ? "— 

And then began a multitudinous roar, hundreds cf Advertisements — 
idvertisers we should aay— condemning the Eighteen Ptnce. 
"The Natural Standard of Sherry," hiccuped ." stiamef ul— " 
"The Most Aj^provH Shoves" roared "aisguiting" — 
" The Everlaaiiiig (n)ld Pea " would vrrite it. down — 
" A Rcvoluiion in Light " would thow it up— 
" What to Eal." &c. would not digest it— 

And. in fact, every advertising interest— represented and declared 
gfter its peculiar manner— so emphaiicall^ denounced the coutinuatiou 
of tlio Eighteen Pf nny Tax on the ndvorl ising indiLstry and commerce 
of the Country, that — 

The noise of the Meeting coming to the ears of the CnANCELLOR 07 
TUB ExciiEQUBEi. whilst in the ITouse, he was seen to bend over to 
Loao UusSKLL, and heard to say, "I see how it is; we must give 
the £ighteea Pence up. *Tia ooljr a trifle alter all— and— yes, 1 'U 
muukga it.'* 



HOW TO REDUCE TAXATION. 

EvEUT one is anxious to see Taxation reduced, and though nobody 
doubts what, to do, there is nu one who can tell us (or theCiTANCKLLon 
or TUB ExctiKQUEK, which ict much the same thing, for what we lay 
mmt be done, must be done — KeadT ! by the way, be good enough to 
excuse this longparentheeis, IjORD Brouoham has set us the example)* 
how to do it. VVc hhve^ however, l>een fortunate enough to hit. ujion a 
few Taxes which may oe reduced to the perfect satisfaction 01 the 
public at large, and withnut a fiirthinit's io^s to thti revenue, We would 
recommend the total abolition cf the following Taxes: — 

1st. TiiB Tax— on the patience of the House of Commons, when 
11&. Uaquuakt is addresnng it. 

8nd. Thb Tax— on our time, when we are rending the letters of oor- 
Tespondenta enclosing jokes, whose interest is purely antiquarian. 

These Taxfs throw on the parties subject to ttiem. a burden of the 
THost onerous kind, and, in fact, we have some idea at aendit.g our boy 
KB a deputation to Ihe Chancellor or tuk KxcirEQOiriito represent 
the nature of our case, and— following the eiample ui everybody tlse— 
ask him wliat be can do for us. By way of propitiating him, we will 
five him a bint by which he may take off one Tax bgainst which there 
tt some complaint, and impose another that will be a aouroa of enormous 

* ]a aouMueoos of lb* Ivofftb ol this pu«nib«sU, It b*d b«tt«r b* rmi at tlio eud 
sftlMartuT 



revenue. Let him take the tax off knowledge — property so called— and 
lay the tax un ignonnoe, when, if the collection is properly made, the 
product would be so immense, that the national debt might soon be 
paid off, and cash left in hand to go to market with for another oenfcvr* 




AN EDUCATIONAL NOVELTY. 

Thb Education Question 
is now one of 
those numerous 
Qurations of the 
day, which are 
waiting — and 
someof them seem 
likcljr to be kept 
waitingsometime 
— for an answer. 
Some are for 
teaching this and 
tome that, but we 
think there can 
be no doubt in 
the mind of any 
one anxious to 
train up a child, 
that nothing 
would be a s^ 
verer leaaon than 
to carry the in- 
fant mindthrough 
a ref(uUr course 
of railway trains 
as indicated in 
the published 
Time-tables. We 
have had Guides 
to Knowledge of every kind, hnt to us a Railway Guide has been 
liitherto a guide to ignorance, for we have always ri&en from a perUFal 
of that elaborate work wi'h a thorough collision in our brain between 
1^1 the Ups and Downs of Life, from Uie Express to the Parliamentary. 
We begin to fear that no one will ever understand a Hallway Time- 
table, uiiTe«!> he has learnt it in his early youth, for to us it is one of 
the dead languages, in which our primsBTal pedagogue has omitted to 
instruct us. We propose, therefore, for ihe beueGt of the rising 
generation, that those tftblea should be learnt in time, and thus the 
time in the tables may, perhaps, be understood in the days of mature 
manhood. We recommend that one of the large monthly sheets of 
Bradshaw should be put up in every school-room, and that the twys 
should be divided into three classes, in accordance with railwa>' diWsion, 
for f he purpose of studying this intricate branch of knowledge. We may 
perhaps write an addiiional chapter to WiuciNonAM- Keith, or our 
old oriitinal friend Cocker, with the view of furDi.Hhing examples of 
HaiUay Arithmetic. The object would be gained by sometbbg like 
the following : — 

Ko. 1. If the fi^es 9-35, L56-S-44 appear opposite the parliamentary 
train, 9'ate when a atarts, when ii s:oi»s, and when it arrives. 

Nu. S. if an express train is advtrtised to be at ita destination by 
9 o'clock, slate how far it will have proceeded on its journey by a 
quarter post eleven. 

No. 3. Givn the possible number of spoonfuls of a basin of hot soup 
that can be swallowed at the Swindon Station. 

No. 4. If a basin of soup costs one shillinr^ how much is it per 
mouthful for all that you have time to demolish r 

No. 5. When a train is marked in the llme-tahle as arriviagata 
given place at a certain hour, and is stated in the same time-table to 
sFnrt from a less distant place balf-an-hour after ita alleged arrival at 
the more distant place, how is the di/Terence accounted for P 

No. 6. How many times will one engine go into three lugKafffr' 
trucks r 

No. 7. If one third-class carriage is divided by an eipress train, what 
will the passengers come to f 

We might m<i]tiply these instances ad i^^Sms/ms, bat we lea^e the 
subject (or the profusional aritbmettcians to umkiply. 




PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI 



PUNCH'S HAND-BOOK TO HER MAJESTY'S THEATRE. 

na paMport havinK been eited 
at the oarrier bv one of the 
proper officers, irao are dUtin- 
guisbed by no uuifonii but 
unirorm politeness, the interior 
U at length gained, and we find 
ourselves on one of the du- 
meroua ranRRS of boulevards or 
ramparts, ihht rncirole the 
Great Operatic Capital. 

At convenient distanoes along 
the whole line of these boule- 
rardi guides are stationed, who 
are at once in attendance, to 
assist the traveller in reaohiug 
that particular circle to which 
he brings an introduct ion ; for 
tboiU(h an admission into anv, 
implies an eligibility for all; 
ihere is nevertheless a choice 
of circles suited to the accom- 
modation of every rantc and of 
almost every popitet. Ttere is 
in fact, a tier for nearly any 
station, includini? the royal tier 
— the upper tiers for the tiers 
etat; and we have even seen 
on the distant heights, in l)ie 
extreme bock ground of tlie 

Sallery^ a row wliich might be 
enomiOA'cd Iha Soldiers' tier, 
from the occasional military 
occupation of a part of it by 
the SergeRuts belonging to the 
guard of honour; and others 
in attendance on the royal 
visitura. 

The Grand tier is now in 
our eye, and Buch a tier must 
not be unccrora onion sly wiped out by a few words : for it U n tier remarkable for it.i brilliaccy. 
It coniprijirs so many attractive teaturrs, that the late lamented OcoBOe HOBDis hmiself, 
whoiC iuiamutt'ion could have piled Pelioa upon Osta, Olympus on the top of Ihat, the 
Apennines over those, with Ben Lomond as a sort of Upper Benjamin to cover the whole— 
we repeat that even this master of description would have found descrip' ion reduced to a 
state of fceggsry. had he attempted to apply its resources to the locality at which we 
have now arrived, lie iiiii?ht have been etiual to the task of dealing with a shoot iue-box, 
or a liitle box in the country* but tven ha must have failed in doing justice to the boxes 
oOler Mftjeity*s Theatre, lie would no doubt have commenced with ''the abode of royalty* 
consisting of the lodge or loffe of the Queen herself; but he must iacvitably have stumbled 
at the threshold; and as this ungrateful movement would be quite out of place in such a 
scene as this, we decline taking any further on our trip, a couipanion who might have been 
thus awkwardly caught tripping. 

We prefer, therefore, giving the reins to our own Pegasui, and shall at once dash into 
the middle of our description of the grand tier and its inhabitants. The chief ornament 
of this circle is the illuitrious pfrsooage after whom ihe whole locality is nan.ed, and it is 
natural that Tii£ Quken should be, as it were, identified with the theatre of IUh Majestt. 
Thouj^h the realn.8 of Op^ra possess a Uric throne, which is invariably occupied by the 
reigning Queen of SoDg— to whom we auall hereafter allude— there is, nevcrthelesp, an 
imperiun %n impftio; a Sovereign to whom all the lyrical Queens acknowledge alle^ance. 
Her present Majesty has succeeded to the empire of the Opera as to a part of the institu- 
(ioDS that have grown up under her predecessors, from whom they hare oeen handed down 
to her. It has been interwoven with the manners and customs of the people over whom 
•be rules, and whose viiifs to the delightful regions of melody contribute much to the culti- 
vation of their tas'.e in that art, whose charms are said to have the power of soothing that 
turbulent nuisance, "the savage breast," and, in fact, converting even the bears, the boreSj 
and the brutes of society into amiabl<e members of a " happy family." 

The QaiXN instead of rushing tn this place or tlut for the benefit of the waters, the maladty 
either real or imngina\rt, may prolit bv drinking in from time to time the liquid harmony 
that is continuallv gushing lorth, daring the season, from the numerous springs of 
melody that abound in this enohaated spot. la order to preserve the purity and genuine- 
ness of the liauid harmony already mentioned, we may ODservo that it is always supplied 
through the coannels expressly adapted by nature for its conveyance, and that nolning 
in the shaoe of a pump is allowed to remain. We will not go so far as to say that no pump 
has been known in tbese dominions, for there have been one or two instaocei of the kind ; 
but as the pumps want supplying constantly wilh succour, to enable them to make a 
momentary spirt, and are incapable of drawing, they at ouce cease to act, and are soon wholly 
removed. We are, however, passiag too rapidly from the tntiabitants to the productions of 
the place, and we will say a few words of the briUiant circles into which the traveller is now 
introduced. 

liooking to the left on entering, the traveller's eye will light on what may be termed in 
language suited to the locality, the fiUa lUaie^ or royal box. When this is tenanted, the effect 



ia extremely pleasing, for Her Mnjesty's Theatre, 
without H£B Majesty, seems incompletu; and 
though not amounting to a case of iJemifl with 
the part of HamUt left out, there ia no denying 
that the QrEEK seems never so thoroughly at 
home among her subjects as when enjoying witli 
them the same elegant entertainment in her own 
house. Undisturbed by impertinent or obtrusive 
curiosity, she has here an opportunity of mixing 
with her people witnout the gene of Court 
ctitiuette on Ibe one baud, or the annoyance of 
boiftteroiis but well-Keant attentions on the 
other. In these agreeable regions HfBMAJCSTT 
may see and be seen to the oeat advantage ; for 
her graceful emotion at the sorrows of Amiho. 
her not less breaming relish for the humours of 
Don PaiqvaU, her hearty laughter at the fun of 
Lablachb, her delicate appreciation of the de- 
licious singing and exquisite acting of Sontao, 
her genuine enjovment of all she sees and heurs, 
are so many links between herself and those 
around her ; who tlnd out that, though di- 
vided by staliou from their sovereign, ihey set 
in pleasant sympatlues and in honest impulses 
of feeling, very closely allied to her. Here, also, 
the apecable discovery has been made that the 
Rofal children possess the hearty qualities <i 
their mother, for when the PttlNCB at WaL£S 
and the PaufCESs Roya.l were introduced to 
the dominion of Opera, they, like the Queen 
herself, were thrown iuto fits of laughter by 
Lablache. wliose compass of voice is almost 
equal to his compass of body, and who hat hail 
more rral greatness thrust upon him thtn any 
man alive. No wonder that every one should be 
wrapped up in him when he is on the scrne, 
and that attention should be divided between 
Sontag's smiles and his siKe. We ourselves 
liave got this tremendous object so completely 
into our eye, that we must pauie to take out this 
great dot from our eye before we shall be able 
to see our way to proceed further. 



4 



Fancy Slop-Fair. 



There was advcrli^ed the other day in the 
Timet a " Fancy Bazaar," to be held in the llanover 
Square rooms, " for the benefit of the Jjadics' 
Mission to the Jews at Corfu." The lady-pa- 
troneascs of ibis religious Fancy Fair may not 
have known, perhaps, that there are placet called 
Houndsditou and Duke's PUce, rather nearer 
to Hanover Square than Corfu, and containing 
altogether perhaps more Jews, whose oonversion 
— to any iionest persuasion — would, like au 
Adelpbi melodrama, be "of strong domestic 
interest," instead of merely concerning foreigners. 
But a Fancy Bazaar would be of more service to 
our Needlewomen than to our Israelites: and if 
charitable ladies would sell shirts for ineir in- 
digent sisters, they would doubtless obtain prices 
for those manufactures ai fair — very nearly— as 
themselves. 



TUS LIST NAUTICAL BOXAKCB. 

Thb Admiralty alleges that there ia not spaoe 
enough in the ward-room for the naval assistant- 
surgeons. Mr. Punch presents his conplimenls 
to the Lords of the Admiralty, and respectfully 
recommends them to tell that to the Marines. 



DEBXVATION OF LUXUKT. 

Feom Imx, tight — on account of Light, which 
is a neceasitv for cleanliness and health, being 
made, througo the medium of the Windiw Tax, 
an expensive Luxury .which only the hob can 
afford to enjoy. 



"Leb MTaTfcH£s de PAiUS."^Tho gr&ateat 
mystery of Paris wUl be Monsuua Euofelix 
SoE*a election for it. 



4 

i 
i 




PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL 



169 



iB,— T am t ffrett Onmibu*- 
Tr&veller. bccftuae 1 am poor, 
and the OmniboB is the poor 
man's carriage. 

" These carriagM, how. 
erer, are very far from per- 
fect. Amonnt manj other 
drawbacks, I will mention 
one . The Ladim. 

" I nmintAin that Ladiea 
have no right in Omnibasea 
at ail, Thev nerer were in- 
tended for tbem, and at first 
no Lady bad the face to Ret 
into an Omnibus. She would 
aa soon hare thought of 
walking into a Divan — or a 
BiUiard-room— or the Athc- 
nieura— or anv one of our 
clubs. Omnibuses, I lay 
down, were built for men, 
and by men they ought ex- 
ctasivcty to be filled. 

" At present Ladiea are 
interlopers— intruders — and 
1 should not wonder if in 
time they do not make it a 
favour Fo let us ride in our 
own Tchic'es. As it is, I 
never gel into an Omnibus 
that I see fillrd ^rith the 
lovely 5*x. I could no more 
doit than I could passtheday 
in Kxeter ilall. 

" In the first place, I de- 
test babiea in any shape — 
quiet or noisy. If they are 
quiet, they plar with your shirt-frill, or your watch-chain— if they are noisy, they kick your 
bowsers ana clutch your wbitkers. 

•' Now. Sir, it is pretty evident, that if there were no Ladies in an Omnibus, there would 
be no b»bie». By excluding the one, jou virtually ulam tbe door in tbe face of the other. I 
would have babies pay double fare, and twins should not be admitted at. anv price. 

"There are other complaints, however, just as loud as the babies ; — whtcli I do not object 
to, if they happen to be asleep, and you are not requested to bold them on your lap. But a 
Lady takes up twice as much room as a gentleman. Look at her dress! What with her 
hoops, and her flomices, and pelisses, victormes, mantalines, crinolines, and a thousand other 
Una, I defy her not to take room for two, at least. The consequence is, lewhave to suffer. If 
there are two Ladiea on the same side, you will see the gentlemen run up into a corner at the 
end, packed together as tight as a pack of cards. 

" Beaide9>. every Lad^ who gets into an Omnibus has an inseparable altacbment for a 
bundle, a bandbox, a birdcase, and a parcel of tomo sort or other, which ought properly 
lo have gone by the ParceU' Delivery Company. These parcels are always in the gentlemen^s 
way— and if >ou happen to put your foot accidentally into a bandbox, you are sure never to 
hear the last of i^ till you have left the Omnibus. Bo what you will to oblige tbe women, 
th«r are never satisfied. 

• Tbere is but oue remeay for this s'a'e ofjhings. Sir, and with your leave 1 now hasten to 
propose it :— j^^^ ^^^ Ladies hatx ax OmoBDS to xiriMsELVES ! 

"There are carriages exclusivel^r for the Ladies on the railways, why ahoold not tbe same 
ayatem be adopted in the streets with our public vehicles? 

" The conductor should be a Ijody— the driver should be a Lady. 

" The roof inside might be ornamented with twhy-j ampere— or else tbe roof outside provided 
with cradlea — for the convenience of tbe dear babies. 

" The interior should he lined with looking-glasses. 

" Accommodation might be given for knitting, sewing, and croohet-work, 

"At the end of the vehicle, should be exhibited on an embossed card, with little raised 
Cupids kissing one another, and tastefully decorated with ribbons, the following placard:— 
No ScAifDAL Allowed. 

"To oreveut disputes, cverv Lady should pay her fare on getting in, and no money to be 
returned upon the I^ady auadenly discovering she is going in an oppoaite direction to that | 
which she intended. 

' * A stringent law ahoold be made that no Lady is to keep the Omnibua waiting more than five 
minutes, while she is searching in every pocket, bag. aud re) icule, ' for her change.' 

*' Only one bundle to be allowed to each Lady. 

" A separate Omn